Tag Archives: interaction

Day 341: Integrity within relationships

 

If you’ve read some of my blogs, you may have noticed that relationships have been a prevalent point for me in my process of self change – the more I open up this point, the more I see how much it has limited my self expression.

 

Due to some fucked up experiences I had as a youngster, and coming from a divorced family, I have polarized my relationships extensively, living in a world of ‘good and bad’ relationships and people, where I’ve become longing for relationships and closeness with other human beings, while being paranoid and jaded about relationships at the same time. What I had never learned how to do was to remain stable, here, within and as breath, wherein I trust who I am and how I have defined myself within my reality, so that no matter what is going on with other people around me, I will always direct myself in a way that is best for all. What others do and how they behave is out of my control, but what I can do is to not participate in this game of love/hate that we play with ourselves, which then become projections onto others in the form of conflict emerging in our relationships. This is how wars start – it always takes two to tango, and until we learn to disengage ourselves and diffuse the situation, it will continue.

 

From a young age we learn that we need others, but when we have experiences where we feel others fail us or we are betrayed, this is where the paranoia and distrust is seeded. Too many times I have gone through the experience of seeking out others for positive relationships, only to end up disappointed and then moving to the opposite polarity: get away from people – yeah, that’s the solution!

 

Not really. Not only do we humans need each other, but if we can learn to actually understand and value each other as equals, we can really make this world an awesome place for everyone. The problem is that in seeking out others from a starting point of fearing loss, of fearing that without some kind of positive energetic experience within a relationship that we will be doomed, we end up creating what we fear. Within such a desire, I realized, it is as though I had already accepted tacitly that the natural state of relationships in life is one of failure, and thus, I must control things in every way possible to ensure the relationship is a positive experience, and that way it will work out somehow. But that really isn’t recognizing relationships for what they really are as an intrinsic part of who we are as human beings.

 

We will always be in relationships of one kind or another, that is inescapable – the question rather then simply who are we within our relationships? Do we fear loss and desire control? Or are we real – real with ourselves first in who we are, what our starting point is and what we’re all about? Are we real in not approaching relationships with fears that create secret desires and ulterior motives? Are we real within relationships that we have the integrity to not give into our fears, and rather face them and forgive them so that the relationship remains honest? Are we real enough to maintain that integrity to not deceive others out of our fear of loss, even if they may be playing the same game and want to be deceived with the same kind of fear-of-loss-based relationship? Many do not even realize they are playing this game and how artificial their relationships have become, and who they are within them that would have them use each other just to feel better about themselves and subside these underlying fears/issues by creating appearance of a positive experience/interaction with others, and you may find, when you get real, that this isn’t ‘good enough’. To be real, we are going to have to decide, with real specificity and self honesty, what is ‘good enough’.

 

It is possible to have real relationships where the commitment to life as what is best for all in equality is ‘good enough’ – but first we have to recognize such a point and stand by it with steadfastness, commitment and resolve before we can ever expect for others to recognize it

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Day 323: Specifying my interaction with others, part 1

 

Two points to look at for today, which are related: (1) being direct when it comes to moving myself into doing new things/actions that are not preprogrammed and do not necessarily come ‘naturally’ (reading and learning new things, for example), and (2) specifying my interactions with others.

 

The first point came up today when I noticed that I really had to push myself to ‘just go for it’ and ‘jump into’ my school work. I have a habit of setting myself up to do things like school work in my mind (or generally, tasks that don’t always come easy/naturally as they usually involve acquiring new information/doing new things), where I sort of psyche myself up for doing these things – essentially, it is stalling, because usually I end up not going directly into something and rather find distractions, or when I do get into it, I am very indirect, like I am doing it but I am not really ‘here’ – this is most noticeable with reading. This experience due to the thoughts I have about the task, where I project myself forward as doing the task in my mind, so it becomes more of a mental experience, even when I actually do physically engage in it. The solution here obviously being to identify in the moment when I am having these thoughts about what I must do, rather than simply seeing and recognizing directly what must be done, and the simply doing it.

 

The second point, with regards to specifying my actions with others, is doing so within the context of ensuring that my interactions with others are in fact beneficial to accumulating what is best for all – meaning that they have an outcome/result where I actually become a better person within this context. This point is within the greater point of just not wasting the time I have in my life, as it is an easy thing to do with other people, for myself – people can be exciting lol, and so it can be easy to lose sight of what matters/my goals, and difficult to make sure that I am organizing/managing time effectively. This point also came up as part of a consideration within the relationships point. I have written before about the point of ‘the ideal partner’ about how I have defined this ideal in my mind about what kind of partner would please my mind/ego. So the point of specifying my interactions has become relevant within the deception that is this idea of ‘the ideal partner’, where I notice that I often deceive myself and play games with myself, sometimes wondering if I am ‘with the right person’ or ‘if this other person might be better/there might be someone better’ – and within this, I am diverting attention away from me and who I am within relationships. What really matters is who I am, no matter who I am interacting with as it is only me and ‘who I am’ that is able to ensure that the outcome is that which is best for all, and that the interactions taking place with others are specific and worthwhile, as conducive to this goal. So this applies to all forms of relationships, including friendships and families – it is not so much about ‘who the other person is’ but rather who I am and whether or not I am specific and self directive within interaction with others.

 

These points are related in that the first one relates to my interaction with myself: my internal actions that are taking place within me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – my relationship with myself – that determine my external actions as my living application. So this word ‘interaction’ is indeed an interesting one as it is generally used in referring to participating with others, as the ‘inter’ refers to ‘who I am’ internally, which determines my living action when I am with others.

 

I will continue in the next blog with self forgiveness and self corrective statements as specific and livable (practical) guidelines for this point.

Day 285: Self support when reacting to another

So today I had a negative reaction to another person in my world, for points that I observed about them that I consider to be not cool and problematic. What is interesting about observation, is that we as humans tend to project ourselves onto that which we are observing. What is even more interesting is that every human being tends to exist the same way in essence, so it can be rather confusing because: here I am in a situation where what I may be observing in another is real: yet if I am reacting to it, my reaction is not real, but rather a projection of myself of how I am actually existing within and as the same point – that is why we tend to react to others by judging and blaming them, rather than having the self directive principle through insight and understanding to be able to assist, support and direct them. So it is always important to take the point back to self, which requires the application of self honesty – identify what it is that self is reacting to, and look for where self may be living out the same points. Once this is done and self is no longer accepting and allowing self to participate in the same points, then it is possible to assist, support and direct another with effectiveness to also stop the same points for themselves. From writing in my journal about today’s experience of reacting to another, I have identified the following points, which pertain to blogs I have been writing recently which have been oriented around the tendency to want to be accepted by others and seen/viewed a particular way where I please others, within a starting point of fear and survival. Here are the points I identified in today’s writing:

Ok, so I have to clarify these points that I am reacting to: the desire to be attractive and be perceived by others as being attractive. The desire to get attention from others and have a nice experience with others. The tendency to use relationship experiences with others as a way of stagnating myself, where my starting point in interaction with others is not specific, direct or self expression, but rather just ‘looking for a good time’, and through creating the experience of ‘just having a good time’, I am drugging myself with distractions and laziness that keeps me from self movement and truly being effective with my time – additional to this, is also the point of not just moving myself because I have to, but developing that point of specificity in moment to moment management wherein each moment accumulates to a point that is practical – I mean, I have things to take care of, sort out, and get done in my time here on earth, and I have to be self honest about assessing whether or not my actions in every moment are conducive to those goals, or not.

Got to get to sleep – will continue this in the next post.

Day 238: The desire for attention from others

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In my last post I did forgiveness on the desire to have a positive experience/interaction with others. This is basically a form of attention, where I give attention to others in a positive way and others give positive attention to me. Fascinatingly now that am writing, I notice that the word attention is at-tension – because when we give attention from the starting point of validating our egos, it puts a strain on us, we are at a point of tension, as I notice that when I do too much of this energetically-charged kind of positive interaction, I end up totally drained and depleted of energy.

When we don’t get the kind of attention and recognition that we are used to getting from others, suddenly we go into a kind of sadness, a kind of loneliness, a kind of depression. The mind basically starts throwing a tantrum because it is simply not getting the energy it requires to validate itself. I mean people don’t like to be alone because it means they are left alone with who they are, without anyone to validate it and make it real for them. You may also notice this with others – the pressure to act and behave a certain way with others, because you know that if you don’t behave in certain ways and act they way they are used to/expect you to, you may have a problem. Suddenly others are not getting what they want and a justification is found to sever communication or end the relationship. I am facing exactly this point, both wanting the attention/recognition/energy, and fearing not giving it to others.

 The fact is that we can not continue to exist this way because it is just a conditional relationship that has no real integrity. I mean what is the point in having those kind of interactions, especially knowing that inevitably they will likely end. I mean it is just not sustainable because it is really not about enjoying, experiencing and interacting with others, it is about getting what you want – energy – and so if one person doesn’t do the job, we’ll just go searching for another who will.

 The energy and attention that we get is always related in some way to our self definition – who we are as how we have defined ourselves and how others define us. So when we’re getting that attention, is is giving recognition to all that self definition, validating it – without it, we are not being ‘recognized’ as that point of self definition that we have come to exist as.

 We are looking for others to validate illusions about ourselves. To feel like we have a big community of friends and family and people all around who like us and care for us and all that good stuff – why is that need and desire to have that experience so great? Because we know the reality of things – we know it is not the truth of our reality, and thus we create the illusion that everything is fine with the positive attention we give to each other. We don’t have to face who we actually are and what we have become in this reality, so we go on validating the illusions of ourselves that we’ve created by acting on them as the starting point of our interaction with others, where everybody is just constantly giving each other a little stroke, fucking each other in the ears with positive attention bullshit. I mean even when we are not getting the positive attention we want, we will throw a tantrum within the awareness that at least some kind of energy will come forth, and will sadly endure even more abuse now in the form of negative attention – anything will do. I mean it is like what is said about celebrities and famous people do: any publicity is good publicity.

 This point has also arisen within the context of relationships between two partners, because this is the reason why people get jealous – because we see how our partners do the same shit we’re doing, looking for attention, and when we see them get it from others, we react. And yet somehow we feel it is perfectly fine to get all that attention for ourselves, from whoever we can. Mike McDonald coined the term ‘energy slut’, a term that slightly improves upon and the conventional ‘attention whore’ term – and that is exactly what it is, being a virtual whore for energy – anything and anyone will do. When looking at this point within the context of my relationship, my initial tendency was to make sure that we basically did not do this with others so that we would not be jealous, but then I realize that it is not about who we do it with, that does not somehow justify and validate it. If anything, doing it in a relationship is the most dangerous because that is where people are giving each other massive, intense amounts of energy. My irrational fear is that if I do not continue to feed the relationship this kind of energy, that it will end, but if I continue, it is a certainty that it will end. I mean even if it lasted, it would not be worth it, because it is just asking for a relationship full of problems. Most relationships are really just a form of dependency. We are going to have to change this. We are going to have to learn how to really treat each other, how to really care for real, how to really support, to make real, sustainable agreements that are not based on energy and require upkeep as giving positive attention.

 The tendency for me to do this is great. The tendency for me to want this is great. For this reason I also have a tendency to go to the extreme of wanting to be like ‘fuck it, I am totally not going to do that anymore!’, but it is not about that, it is not about saying fuck that thing and then doing another thing – it is about simply breathing through the desire to want to act that way/be treated that way, and not allowing ourselves to be influenced by these energies within us when they arise.

 There must be a starting point of who we are in our world and our interactions that is based on reality, that is based on what is best for ourselves and all life and that paves the path of the road to successful and sustainable living. As long as everybody is too busy worried about playing this game, about who they apparently are (or rather, who they believe themselves to be) in this cult of personality, our relationships and our world will continue to be a mess.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and that I have not embraced my aloneness as the unconditional acceptance and embracing of myself.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go seeking/looking for positive attention from others, and to contextualize all of my behavior by this desire to get attention from others and have a positive experience with others.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define others caring for me as giving me attention, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to quantify love and caring as how much energy as attention I am being given, not realizing that I am in fact equating and quantifying how much energy I am getting

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply give into the unexpected/unintended attention others give me because I am too weak to establish and ensure that the interaction is specific, supportive, real, and that which is best for all

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to judge myself and others for being energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be an energy slut and within the desire to be an energy slut, want and desire to have other energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I judge another for being an energy slut and looking for attention, I am only proving that I am an energy slut through my inability to remain stable and clear and be directive

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get stimulated and excited and activate all kind of energies/personalities/opinions/knowledge/beliefs when I am speaking and speak/interact with others, because I know I am in the opportunity zone to get attention from others and thus I go into this entire mental experience where my words are compromised as they are energetically driven from the starting point of wanting/getting attention and wanting a positive outcome/experience

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so easily distracted by other people because I am so concerned with getting attention with them and the kind of attention I will get from them and thus will become super reactive/have a heightened sense of awareness’ because I am being so careful about the point of ‘how do i manipulate this in a way where I will get the attention that I want?’

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how loneliness and missing others is in fact missing the energy I experience when I get attention from others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine my relationships and who I will interact with and who I will be more drawn to, based on who I would like-most to give me attention, based on their status in society/the eyes of others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be seen/regarded as special /important with the point of getting attention from others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on the substance and content of my relationship and instead just focused on making sure there is lots of attention getting and positive energy transfers

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand on the behalf of those who are still hopelessly addicted to energy and require attention always through not judging them or reacting to them because I am in fact stopping my own desire for energy/attention/fulfillment/validation from another

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to make myself attractive, likeable and desirable within the eyes of the system so that I can get energy as attention from others

 I commit myself to embrace myself here alone and give myself the attention and recognition that I never gave myself – not as a sentiment, but as an actual physical act of ‘living self worth’ by taking on challenges, goals, accomplishing things, expanding myself, growing myself, educating myself, improving myself, working towards outcomes that will be best for my life and the lives of others

 I commit myself to give recognition, value and attention to myself as the self honest commitment to stop the mind, stop all weaknesses, stop all fears, stop all desires for attention as energy from others

 I commit myself to stop going looking for energy from others and rather, remain here as breath as the physical

 I commit myself to not give-in to the desire to get attention when others call upon me by trying to turn it into/contextualize it by some kind of positive energetic experience of giving each other attention and value, and thus I commit myself to ensure that all interactions are specific and supportive to myself and others, and yet I commit myself to watch the tendency to want to ‘force it’ by trying to make others understand this point and if nothing can be done, to simply let it be

 When and as I see the desire arise within me to try and make a positive experience and get attention from others, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am just feeding my own weakness and inferiority and remaining addicted to energy and also keeping others enslaved/trapped in energy through not being able to assist and support them, and thus I do not participate in this desire when it arises in the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself desiring to have others understand me and what I am doing as a point of trying to ‘save the attention/energy addiction’ and keep things going, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I must first be honest with myself and direct myself and clear my self of any and all points before I am able to effectively understood, and thus I do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as the fear that I will not be understood/will lose attention and energy

I commit myself to stop the tendency/habit of wanting/needing/desiring to get attention from others

Day 237: Stepping up my application and tying up loose-ends

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The are points in my process which I have been leniently allowing and letting slide for quite some time now and it’s time to really step up my application, because even though I am able to fool myself that these points are more ‘minor’ and justify that which the idea that I have changed in the more ‘major’/significant ways, the fact is that even the tiniest fall//thought can fuck up everything and even lead to falls back into the ‘major’ points in my process. By ‘points’, here I am referring to addictions/habits/patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as which require self correction. Time to get strict about bullshit and let myself really live and have some fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define living as being recognized by others positively/getting positive attention from others/impulsing others to feel positive and by association of that, to recognize me positively – I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to be limited/controlled/influenced/defined by the belief that I require this kind of experience to be able to survive, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience is real and always want to try and make that happy experience happen with others or to fear not having that experience with others or to fear when I am not having that experience with someone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor my process by giving positive values or negative values in the form of thought/reaction/backchat to that which I have defined as ‘doing well in process and not doing well in process’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a positive feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not smiling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn music and playing/listening to music into a crutch and a trap/limitation wherein I abuse music by using it as a way to boost my ego, as a way of compensating for my inferiorities in terms of where I lack skill/abilities/self confidence, by essentially drowning-out my reality by immersing myself in the drug of the experience I have when I listen to music and play music as an energetic experience, allowing myself tom in brief moments, be driven by a thoughts that bubble up as I am participating – I commit myself thus to watch who I am within the experience of playing music and to also be clear on my starting point as to why I am moving myself to participate in music 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life/process would be better or easier if I were in a relationship agreement with a Destonian

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my well-being and the well-being of others by allowing myself to fear not participating in energy/consciousness when interacting with other people within the belief that if I do not, others will reject me and I will not survive and have a pleasant experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to selfishly always want and desire to have an experience that is pleasurable as a form of energetic high as any form of mental experience/energy that takes me away from being here in the physical world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to qualify and judge my interactions/relationships/participations with others based on whether or not they agree with me or have the same principles as me 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define love and living as having friendship connections with others and within this, want and desire to ‘connect’ with others as friends a s form of having a positive energetic experience of myself that is like a drug of ecstacy that gives me a higher experience of myself that is experienced as positive until the energy fades and reality sets in again – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make good’ on instances in the past where relationships failed or I harbor some degree of guilt and regret and within that, want to ‘reconnect’ and forgive each other and have everything be ok between us, not realizing within this that making amends is not about the other and establishing a connection with the other, it is about who I am and correcting the nature of myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be directive with others when I see points come up that require assistance/support/direction by justifying what they are living as ‘cute’ and treat the point jokingly as if it is irrelevant, acceptable and a funny thing, simply because I fear to actually act and what may be involved in taking action which may challenge a being/contradict them, as I fear how the other may react or that they will not like me or they will reject me – thus I commit myself to stop allowing abuse in the name of ‘oh isn’t that cute and harmless’ and to direct that which I see as abuse/abuse in-the-making, rather than trying to support the other from a starting point of positivity, believing that I will have a better chance to convince them/support them if I am positive and make them feel good/positive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take that which I have defined as having value in my own mind based on my own self interest, and to impose it on others and insist that it has value and that they should recognize that value, as I now see, realize and understand that to present anything as ‘more than’ what it actually is in fact (but rather as a personalized value judgment/opinion) is actually brainwashing, no matter how well intended it may seem or how much I believe in the value I have given to that which I am sharing, as any form of presenting something as ‘the gospel’/special/profound/more than what it really is, is always indoctrination, deception and brainwashing 

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind energy in all of the smaller addictions that I have already identified in my life but have not completely let go of because I have deemed them as ‘small’ and ‘insignificant’ and thus being apparently ‘harmless’

I commit myself to stop making/looking for an energetic experience in my interpersonal relationships with other people, in my daily activities of watching videos, reading or writing, when playing the drums, when talking to my girlfriend, friends and family, with animals, the animal kingdom, nature, with anything in this reality with which I am creating some kind of energetic experience/relationship to 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is not real as anger is just energy which always fades in time and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others being mad at me and this madness being real/everlasting, when in fact, it is not who they are and can never be real as who they are

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within my fear of survival and desire to survive/have everything be ok/have positive experience and interactions with others in my world, I am in fact miss others completely and not seeing who they really are at all, and in no way considering them as life as equals as how they in fact exist and are experiencing themselves and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to neglect others who require assistance and support just as I require assistance and support

I commit myself to stop all fear as self interest as the fear of surviving/others and to thus stop neglecting myself and others as life as who we really are