Tag Archives: freedom

Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment

 

A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.

 

Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.

 

What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.

 

I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.

 

This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.

 

Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.

 

Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.

 

We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust

 

Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

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Day 326: The value of ranting and raving

 

Tonight I began working on a ‘mind construct’ – this is a technique used to deconstruct the knowledge and information of the kind which comprises the beliefs, opinions, ideas and perceptions that exist in the mind which create what is referred to as the ‘mind consciousness system’ – here I am using specific terminology that I have learned through the Desteni I Process. It is a self help and life coaching course which teaches practical tools which one can use to deconstruct their own mind, to be able to life a life if clarity that is not directed and controlled by the mind as the mind has been created and programmed by us with the influence and taint of our society and culture. A ‘mind construct’ is an invaluable tool that allows one to look at themselves in a way that is not biased and takes real work here in the physical – no guessing games or spiritual tricks, it is real technical/mechanical stuff.

 

The first part of doing a mind construct is simply to rant and rave – to let the mind rant and rave about whatever the point is that one is facing. The purpose of this is to provide one with the real, candid stuff of the mind, which one can then use and utilize as the content that of the mind that will be worked with and deconstructed. This is the part of the mind construct I have worked on tonight.

 

As usual, the ranting and raving provided me with an initial sense of relief, of just being able to ‘speak my mind’ in a way where I am not suppressing myself or hiding from myself or fearing how I might be judged. It is rare in this world that we give ourselves moments in our lives where we can be truly open and candid. But one of the other reasons we do not do this is the fact that we fear what we will uncover and discover – because everyone knows the truth of themselves is not so nice.

 

But this fear of ranting and raving, this fear of facing ourselves only comes from a perspective of not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to change it – we fear that when we rant and rave, it will be from a starting point of believing in what we are ranting and raving about, and thus may be further influenced by that mentality if we rant and rave – therefore not having the self trust, self-assurance and fearlessness of knowing that whatever it is that we uncover/discover: we can correct it, we can change it. This is understandable – we are taught in every possible way to not focus on ourselves, to not be insightful, to focus only on the superficial and the world around us – and if one does happen to be insightful and want to investigate themselves deeper, we are certainly not given any tools with which we can correct and direct that which we uncover/discover within ourselves.

 

But this education now here, if one is looking for it, in the Desteni I Process, or even DIP Lite, which is completely free. There are those out there who have the know-how and the willingness to teach and support others because they themselves have made a commitment to themselves to support themselves and other to make this world a place that is best for all life. There is no more reason to run, to hide, to fear, to avoid, to suppress, to judge – the solution and the tools are here – we simply have to be willing to give those tools to ourselves, to give ourselves back to ourselves, to realize that – even if don’t know yet – there is something more to this life than what we have accepted and allowed – will we accept and allow ourselves to go further and dig deeper? That is a question that we owe it to ourselves to answer with great care and consideration.

Day 301: Relationships as God, Religion and Savior

 

In my dream last night, I was with another, I’m pretty sure it was a woman in a car, although my recollection of that is vague, and basically I was getting pissed off because I was looking for water and I just didn’t have time/patience for BS, for asking questions or whatever it was that just didn’t seem so important cause it felt like I was dying of thirst. In reality my body was actually very dehydrated and I ended up drinking a bunch of water as soon as I woke up. This whole experience is fascinatingly symbolic. Is the vehicle my relationship? Am I in it with my girlfriend who is the woman? Is my not having patience tolerance indicative of my disinterest in her ideology? Is the thirst for water my thirst for life and the dire situation life is in, in need of attention and support? Is my waking up and finally drinking water in physical reality indicative of the necessity to wake up from/break out of illusions of the mind so that I can realize/actualize my understanding, priorities and ambitions?

 

With a little more insight into this dream – I keep interpreting that which I am coming to understand as ‘fight or flight’ – like I have to make a major decision that ‘we cannot be together’ but that is silly – I’m apprehensive to say this because it is like I fear that I am just convincing myself of that because I want to hold onto the relationship, I want to stay in hope – that could be so – but what about changing myself within it? This is the key and I am aware that my tendency to want to part with others has limited me from being able to work with others and within this, work on myself and learn. I keep wanting to make rash decisions, and yet I fear that what I am living now is a rash decision, as the intense desire to want to make things good, to make things ‘work out’. The mind is always taking me from one polarity to the other and the fact is that the truth is in the middle – we are both just beings, just here on earth, stuck in our own shit. The challenge is to be of support even when I am not getting what I want, when I am not being positively stimulated, and to also not go looking for it. The challenge is to support only where possible and step back otherwise – the challenge is to not try and help just because I want some kind of specific outcome for myself because I fear loss/some negative experience. This is the case with any human being and is a learning curve I really have to go through – live and let live – let them be – do my work and step back – without fear of loss. This dream does not necessarily symbolize my relationship with my partner – the same essential points can be seen in all relationships. This is where I see the value in walking with another.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire and attempt to try and control my relationship/partner – which includes that which I see as ‘positive’ attempts to make the relationship better/alive/strong through stimulating myself and my partner positively within the context of trying to have a successful relationship – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’, and keep interaction practical, here, in the moment and without fear of loss as my starting point – I commit myself to ‘live an let live’, meaning that I commit myself to stop trying to stimulate the relationship positively and move the relationship within positivity as I see that this is based in fear of loss and not practical, but rather just based on the idea of love which is only a belief created and utilized within the fear of loss

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire/tendency to want to make a rash decision that ‘we can’t be together’ or ‘it won’t work’ is actually based on an experience of disappointment and disillusionment where I am brought back to reality through traumatic events which contrast the desire and hope I have created within making ‘big plans’ and creating ‘big ideas’ about me and my partner and our future – thus I commit myself to stop the tendency to ‘get ahead of myself’ and try to create and design an ‘ideal future’ for me and my partner as I see, realize and understand that this is done in fear of loss and not practical, and instead I commit myself to walk a physical process of establishing self trust and trust with another where I no longer allow fear/reactions to direct me/my relationship but rather work in self honesty and understanding, here as breath

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to even believe in relationships – to believe that they exist, that they are real, as I was conditioned to believe in the idea/ideal of a relationship as the love/romantic relationship with a ‘special someone’ – and to within this, play games within myself where I judge myself/my partner within this paradigm/belief of a relationship, where, if it fits the image/belief/ideal, I get a positive feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a positive energetic experience, and if it is not fitting the image/belief/ideal, I get a negative feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a negative energetic experience – not realizing that none of this is real, it is just based on the belief/ideal of a relationship that was designed in fear of loss during a time in my life where I felt I could never trust human beings and that if I did not find some kind of form of security, I would lose/die/have a negative experience – thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a relationship is just a belief, an energetic body/entity that is created within the fear of loss/fear of others, and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, we are just two beings, two earthlings who are here, finding ourselves in the mess we have put ourselves in where we are our own worst enemies and thus do not require saviors, such as in the form of a relationship/partner/positive energetic experience of another, but instead require real practical support and solutions here as equals so that we may assist and support each other for real, establishing self honesty and self trust and thus honest and trust within our interaction, as I see, realize and understand that this goes far beyond what the illusion/fantasy of a relationship could ever be

 

It is fascinating how relationships function just like a religion, a god, a savior – as they depend on our belief and subscription/participation in order to exist.

Day 299: I, Fear…

Today I sat down to write out all my fears with regards to a certain point I am facing my life and certain experiences I am having, as this was suggested to me by another as a means of self support. It was simplistic, I just sat down and wrote “I fear…….I fear……I fear….” – all the fears that I experience. I mean it is not that hard to do if one just sits down and is honest with themselves about what it is that they fear. We are actually all surprisingly aware of this, if we actually give ourselves a moment to have a look. It was a cool experience to ‘get everything out’ and within this process it has allowed me to get a grasp and a perspective on the points I am facing/experiencing in a way that I normally would have not gained, through for instance just thinking about the point. Even talking out loud about things isn’t quite as effective because self expression can be limited to/compromised by the presence of another and how we feel/experience/define ourselves in relation to their presence.

 

What I then did was write self forgiveness statements on all the fears, taking the point that I feared back to myself by forgiving myself for the same points that I fear in others as they exist within myself. In just doing this, I felt a kind of release from a tension that I had been experiencing but was almost unaware of because the tension had become me, it had become what I lived and experienced as ‘normal’.

 

I then wrote corrective application statements and this is where it got interesting, because here I had to actually create, I had to actually design my living application in a way where it is actually me, for the first time, considering what would make practical sense in terms of what would be best for myself and all life. Here I was finding alternatives from the ways that I normally deal with things, which have never really gotten me anywhere but further into the mess I was already in.

 

So this was a point that I wanted to share due to such effective self support being so simplistic in nature – the problem however is that the mind tends to work solely on ideas and always wants some kind of idea to be satisfied with without ever actually going into physical practical reality to do any real work. It is a way that we stop ourselves from ever really moving ourselves towards corrective action or if we do, we just end up doing it with a pre-conceived idea that suits the mind. When we allow ourselves to move in physical simplicity, and just write, it is amazing what can step forward and how aware and directive we are actually capable of being.

 

It can be challenging to get to this point, and admittedly, I am on vacation now and not busy being engaged/stressed by things like school, work, family, friends and all the stuff that is part of our day to day living. The problem I found is that being so engaged/stressed, when I finally do have a little bit of free time to sit down and write and give myself some much needed self support, I will tend to not want to do it, but rather just find other ways to have an experience of ‘escaping’ the daily challenges/experiences of my reality. Now with having ample free time, it is a bit easier. However, given the necessity/dire need to support ourselves, that who we are is of utmost importance (even though we do not recognize this and give ourselves very little real value), it is critical that we make the time to give ourselves this self support, no matter what the conditions or circumstances. We believe that by ignoring such things and just escaping our reality through various forms of entertainment, that things will be better, when this is proven time and time again to not be true, and life just becomes more stressful, more of a grind.

 

We fear to live physically, to let our hands and body do the work, to move ourselves without any mind controlling us or telling us what to do and how we should live. It is akin to stepping into the unknown – and yet, this is all despite knowing full well that the way we are currently living is simply not ideal – nowhere close – the extent to which this point is realized being completely dependent on how much we choose to accept and allow ourselves to delude ourselves from reality and escape it, rather than facing it head on with the will, self trust, self honesty, strength and resolve to make it better. As we exist already in fear and self dishonesty, we are already lost, and so one literally has nothing to lose by facing that which one fears.

Day 258: 24-Hour Abstinence Challenge

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When titling this blog, it took a few tries until I got the spelling of this word correct. Normally I am decent when it comes to spelling – I have sometimes wondered if my inability to spell a words spells the fact that I haven’t grasped that word, both in the memory of copying the word itself as well as the definitions/concepts it embodies.

In recent blog posts I have written about prioritizing that which is important, about living my life to it’s full potential, living without regret, in a way where I don’t end my days feeling unfulfilled and wanting for more. Within this, I have more clearly identified for myself that which I would like to do, what are some things I would like to get done and accomplish, some ways I would like to live. I have also identified what is problematic in my life, in terms of old habits that have no real value, and only serve to keep me from full transitioning into a new being, a new way of living life – I could really do so much more if I did not allow such pointless things to hold me back. 

As it has always been for me in this process, stopping any old habit is the same as stopping an addiction – it does not come naturally at all, or without resistance and withdrawal. I have screwed myself in the past by not being realistic about how to go about stopping long-standing habits/addictions, where I ended up getting false expectations and creating ideals about how well I was going to do, and then only ended up in disappointment and discouragement. Stopping a habit/addiction had become a form of abstinence that was really just a suppression, where I would try really really hard to just stop and keep stopping and the whole thing was very energetically driven and tiring – and eventually I would fail – yet I set myself up for failure.

I have began to learn how to walk practically, within the understanding that change is a process that requires more than just stopping, that I require support through writing and doing the necessary study and investigation to ensure that I am stopping with understanding. When I have stopped other habits/addictions in the past, because it came so unnaturally, with so much resistance, I had to actually first do a 24 hour abstaining period, just to break the habit and physically come to terms with stopping – in a way, I had to make decisions that were a form of tough love on myself, not giving myself any other options. Usually, after breaking the habit initially, things would get easier over time, and at the very least, I was giving myself a window to support myself, with clarity, without any backdoors or ulterior motives, or being under the influence of still being dead-smack in the middle of a habit/pattern, just in between doses.

24 hours really isn’t much to ask, either. It is the least I can do, and I owe it to myself, to life, to give myself the chance – no matter how much I resist, or feel as though I am ‘missing out on something’ – I mean that is just withdrawal talking. Thus I am dedicating myself to a minimum of 24 hours of stopping old habits/patterns that really contribute nothing to life. I won’t discuss here the specifics of what some of these habits are – one could gather from reading past blogs, or just use your imagination – I am a fairly ‘normal guy’ when it comes to time-wasting habits – but it doesn’t so much matter what we are wasting our time with as it does the fact that we are wasting away the bit of time we are gifted with while here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance to break free from old habits/patterns that serve to keep me lost and from completely making the transition into a new life, using the experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I cannot do it, as a justification, due to past experiences where I set myself for disappointment and failure by not being practical about how to go about stopping habits/addictions – within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test the point of stopping through giving myself the time and space to stop with simple commitments that are manageable and reasonable to ask of myself and do, to give myself the breathing room/time/space to support myself with more clarity than I otherwise would have while stuck in the middle of a habit/pattern, not realizing and understanding that stopping must be accompanied with self study and understanding, and not enforced on the physical like some unreasonable ultimatum, imposed with force as a for of suppression

I commit myself to live 24 hours without giving into an old habit/pattern of wasting time with various distractions/entertainments/preoccupations and to, within this experience, support myself with breathing and writing – when and as I see the desire to participate in an old pattern arise in my thoughts : I stop, I breathe, I remember my 24 hour commitment to myself as life, I see and understand that the desire to participate in old habits/patterns is simply the mind having withdrawal and using the illusion/belief that I am ‘missing out on something’ – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these thoughts/this energy as desire, and continue to move myself throughout my day, here as breath.

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.

Day 226: Energy is a slippery slope – finding freedom in structure

Reflecting back on my day today I noticed how much more I probably could have done with it. I am finding it is crucial to challenge myself to live to my full potential, not waste time, and really make constructive use out of every moment that I am given here on earth. So what happened?

I let things slide. I did not put limits and boundaries on the fun I was having, the self interest I was indulging in. Self interest can work in self-honest moderation within the consideration/understanding of all life as equal to yourself, but given that we are raised to live the exact opposite of that, it is important to be careful on that point because it can really be taken too far quite easily. The main point is that I did not prioritize ‘what is best for all’ ahead of what I want. Even if those two points are in conflict with/contradictory to one another, it is only by putting what is best for all ahead of your self interest that would allow one the opportunity challenge their self interest.

So I didn’t, and before I knew it, the day flew by with all kinds of fuzzy nice experiences and warm feelings, but very little was accomplished in terms of positive  ACTIONS – that is the deceptive thing about positive feelings and positive thinking  – it is purely a mental experience, you are mental.

I should know this already, in fact I do know that self interest and stimulating yourself in such a way that makes you experience positive feelings is a slippery slope, I mean I have really learned this the hard way with past experiences with addictions to drugs and sex and shit like that. That is not a recommended experience. Now I am seeing it manifest in ‘smaller way’ as this example of today, but even then, the experience is still not a cool one. The more aware of this you become, the more you become aware of and thus begin to value even the smallest moments. So what is the difference between wasting 5 minutes of your life, a day, a week – it is all just a matter of degree. In that 5 minutes you could have made the world a better place than it is today, in 5 minutes you could have made yourself a better person that you were 5 minutes earlier.

Every single moment is so valuable that all it takes is a single moment of thought, of having a desire for some kind of experience, that that is all it takes to set a person off onto their socio-path of desire and self interest. And of course we can find all kinds of ways to justify our self interest: I need it, just a little, I’m tired, I need to relax, I don’t feel good and this will make me feel better, a little won’t hurt, I worked hard and I deserve it – etc.

It is already hard enough to change our habits that are formed from desires without having already given into, let alone when you start to give into them, it is like, too late, the energy is already flowing, and it just feels oh so good – I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop!

So this is the reason I am seeing more and more how important it is to set boundaries, guidelines, and specifically, to implement a schedule in my life as a fail-safe to make sure that this is impossible. This is an important point I realized a while ago with regards to the nature of the mind – that you are your own worst enemy and you literally have to take measures sometimes to ensure that abuse is not possible/not able to be allowed in the short term, until the abuse/self interest point has been sorted out and one can again be trusted with life as this time we are given here on earth.

Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create a schedule for myself and be patient in understanding that this is a process of developing a schedule, and thus it is not to be limited by a schedule as I may fear, but rather to see how I can structure myself in a way where living is effective and enjoyable – to ensure that I can manage both to be the best that I can be and take responsibility for my world, and to also enjoy myself as an individual within my world experience, ensuring that these two points no longer conflict with one another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that a schedule may limit me as I allowed it to/experienced it to in the past, and to instead simply work with a schedule within the understanding that it serves purely as a guideline of support to living the life that I have always dreamed of, but never knew how to structure and create effectively – after all, inherent in creation is structure, inherent in the ability to express in freedom is having the structure from which to express self

I commit myself to design and develop a schedule as a structured support/guideline, and to work with this point within the principles of freedom and self expression – not limiting myself to it, but rather working with it as I work with myself: a work in progress