Tag Archives: marriage

Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

Advertisements

Day 289: Love is as a dependency and the need for attention

In the last post, I mentioned the point of a need/desire to have a sense/experience of having power and control in a relationship, from either a dominant or submissive position in the relationship as both positions carry their respective bargaining strengths in the negotiating process that relationships have become – a business in a tug-of-war for profit (power).

So from this point I wanted to write about the point of how we get this experience of having control/power through getting attention from others, which we call ‘love’. No matter what it is that we are seeking from others, in order to first get it, we need attention. Sometimes, what exactly we need becomes secondary and just the overall need for attention – as the underlying premise/knowingness that the other is here to submit to you and serve you – will suffice.

I noticed that this way in which we create an importance on getting attention, we then associate the experience of getting attention with ‘love’. You see it everywhere in relationships. You have liked experienced this to some degree or another yourself – where, in an experience where you wanted/believed you needed attention from another person, and did not get it, you suddenly went into an experience of feeling bad or sad or hopeless or like you are not important or ‘unloved’. I mean one could even be something as simple as the last time you sent and instant message to someone and they did not reply – and you took it personally. I have had this experience for as long as I have had relationships and as long as this is the way we are defining ‘love’ and believing that we need this experience of ‘love’, our relationships will always fall because they are always based in dependency and fear of loss. I mean it has been the same pattern in all my relationships – this need for ‘love’ as attention, which just increases and increases, like a drug addiction where you need a bigger dose every time, and then, before you even know it happened, the whole thing has just become complete dependency and control. It all just begins with not being intimate and honest with ourselves and embracing the beings that we are, and then from this, believing that we need others to complete us. We become so possessed by this belief (which is a self-defeating self-belief) that other people sometimes just look so ‘special’ and ‘great’, and we put them on a pedestal and fear to lose them so extensively. What kind of love is that? Then, when the ‘attention love fix’ no longer works, partners goes their separate ways and disengage – suddenly that person who we feared to lose so much is just another normal person. Insanity.

I am not saying that paying attention is not real. When we are able to exist as self fulfilled individuals, without this desire/dependency, then our attention becomes a much more natural, seemingly spontaneous, relevant and supportive act, where it is practical and conducive to life. Because the for of love as attention that we are used to is so fake and so flawed that we tend to just quantify it: “well if this person gives me X amount of attention, then it means they love me X amount” – it is so fake that this is why people can be fake and cheat each other and give the appearance that they care when they are only in fact motivated deep down by their own self interest. It becomes especially hard to see when we ourselves have not cleared ourselves of this point through being completely honest with ourselves.

There are times where, due to this frustration with never being fulfilled in this never ending quest for more and more attention, and the massive problems that it creates, I have wanted to just say “fuck it, fuck all relationships, fuck all people” – and just isolate myself. What I recently realized is that the problem is not with others – although they may share the same destructive habit that I do – the problem is with ME and this belief and desire and the dependency and selfishness and greed that it creates. I don’t have to say ‘fuck others’ – that would suck – what I can say is “fuck this dependency, fuck this self belief, fuck this inferiority and insecurity that has enslaved and controlled me so extensively and made me into a loveless slave master of others” – that is really the point that we don’t need and can give up at any time – and it is amazing – all that we feared losing all along may even end up falling right into our lap – the only difference is that then, the real challenge emerges: creating and designing a real relationship that is not based in dependency and the need to have power and control over others in order to feel good about oneself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look towards others for my own happiness – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this desire stems from the way in which I have abandoned myself and not lived my life to the fullest, unconditionally, which has created this self belief as inferiority and the need for attention which I then experience and believe to be love – thus I commit myself to identify moments in which I am wanting/expecting attention and to see in these moments how I have defined/equated love according to the experience of getting attention – I stop these habits and patterns and tendencies as I see, realize and understand that getting attention from others in no way means love and thus I stop and disengage from all moments where the tendency arises to quantify love as getting attention, as this desire arises within the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath and no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by this desire.

Day 230: Correcting myself within a relationship

https://i0.wp.com/desteniiprocess.com/assets/relationships_course/agreement-2d84b4f79d7dc12cf2d69696afb0f037.jpg

The following is an excerpt from my journal:

How do we change our relationship from a dependency to a support? If we do not do this, we will be damned.

I mean, do either of us want this experience of loneliness anymore? No. do either of us want this experience of not trusting each other anymore? No. I am not advocating a break up – I am advocating that we stick together and support each other in our own processes. We must not have secrets both with ourselves and with each other – and starting with ourselves first is what is important. I cannot ‘demand’ anything from her if she does not even understand what I mean, so certainly I have to make sure she understands where I am coming from and how this all works before I can even propose this, I mean she has to see the importance of this for herself in any case – as do I.

So it is important to not focus on her alone, and yet to not neglect the relationship and focus on myself alone – this will have to be done together, equal and one. We need to get to the bottom of why we are really in this relationship. To have a relationship where we actually grow and make each other stronger, we are going to have to ensure that there is trust and that trust is real. We have to ensure that it is about making each other stronger and not weaker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to have a successful relationship based on past experiences/memories – not taking into consideration that this belief is based on a past belief of what relationships are and who I must be within a relationship, because yes, within such assumptions a successful relationship is impossible – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see what is possible in a relationship when my starting point for a relationship is no longer self-interest/sex/greed, meaning to exist within the relationship without any desires or ulterior motives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my relationship and to exist within/have a relationship from the starting point of fear of loss as fear of not surviving: meaning to design a relationship purely from the starting point of trying to survive and make it in this world, to have financial and moral support and ‘someone in my corner’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’ in my relationships, meaning that I have not allowed myself to simply enjoy another when it is practical to do so, without any desire or dependency, so that we may unconditionally enjoy each other and allow ourselves to support each other to grow and be stronger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I fear about others is in fact that which I fear about myself – thus not realizing that it is important to take ALL points of fear back to self and support self to see how self is living such points and work effectively to stop it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become negative and paranoid within and as my own mind about other people apparently being bad or doing bad things, not realizing that I am projecting myself as past experiences and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to want to ‘jump the gun’ and end the relationship with the person or cut them out of my life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I stick to my process and continue to push myself to walk through tough points and change habits, creating myself anew: that there is nothing to fear in others as the actual fear of myself projected as I am in fact doing what I am able to as what is necessary to sort out myself and my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all relationships are a reflection and extension of myself and thus what really matters within all relationships is who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within my own life and thus from this perspective, it is impossible to try and control or influence others even if my intentions are best, and that the desire to control is only existent when I am not effectively self directive – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to in any way control my relationship or my partner or influence them or have them see things my way

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my relationship/believing that a successful relationship is impossible – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this kind of thinking/feeling is a resonant experience based on past memories of who I was and what I was attempting to create in relationships from a starting point of self-interest – and I do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts/feelings/emotions and simply remain here within/as breath

When and as I see myself fearing loss within my relationship/the experience of myself within a relationship – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear of loss is engrained through past experiences/memories and that I can only fear loss if I am lost and am not directing myself effectively and thus I stop the tendency to go looking outside of myself for solutions and simply face myself here in the moment, and work with who I am to ensure that I can never be lost and thus my relationships will not be lost along with myself – I work with what is here as me/who I am within relationships and stop the tendency/desire to go into the mind looking for solutions

I commit myself to stop making/basing decisions on what will best for the survival of the relationship within the starting point of living for my own survival, and to rather make decisions that are best for all to ensure that the relationship support us individually to be the best individuals that we can be so that we may give back to life

I commit myself to stop all fears of others and always bring the point of fearing something back to self so that I may correct the point within myself and effectively assist/support others within the same point

I commit myself to stop all paranoia and fear of others/fear of loss within my relationships and to simply unconditionally live and give as I see, realize and understand that if I stand/give unconditionally, then the outcome of all my relationships will inevitably be what is best for all life, no matter how that outcome comes about or how long it takes – I commit myself to trust myself in standing by the principles of equality and what is best for all life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective applications such as writing and breathing

I commit myself to work on myself daily in self writing and self corrective application to ensure that I will be the best that I can be and thus all my relationships will be the best they can be within the understanding that to bring about a change in others, I must stand alone and with resolve to support others in realizing themselves and standing up as well

Day 195: In the pursuit of love I have missed Life

One of the most amazing things Bernard was able to do while on this earth was to show us what is possible beyond the reality that we have created and are currently living in. After all, this is the reason why we are gifted with a mind – it is a tool through which we can consider that which is beyond our current situation, our current circumstances, our current point in time, our current state of being and reality.

With regard to my personal process, I have come to see and realize how this ability can be utilized to assist me with the point of letting go of the desire for love, the perfect partner, the living-happily-ever-after fantasy. I’ve begun to see, through the layers of desire, as for instance desires for sex or companionship, that there is an underlying premise within my minds design that I am to eventually find the one and get married, and that this is just the way it is. As far as I was initially aware of, there were just strong desires for sex and an energetic experience through companionship with another, and while I have been questioning and investigating these points, there was still this underlying point of “but I will still find the ‘right one’ and we will have a relationship” and so rather than facing and correcting this underlying point, I would simply try to change the points of desire for sex and companionship but still ‘fit in’ these changed points into the underlying desire for a life partner/relationship, of having that ‘special someone’ in my life.

Now, going back to using the mind as a tool to imagine and consider what is beyond the current reality: it seems like a great undertaking to let go of the desire for a partner in it’s entirety, but what I am able to do is take the principle of oneness and equality of all life on earth to it’s fullest application to imagine what relationships would be like in a world where all life lived as one as equal, and the fact is that in this world, relationships as ‘having that special someone in your life’, simply wouldn’t exist! Families wouldn’t exist, countries wouldn’t exist, all forms of relationships where some are more special and others are less special would cease to exist as all life would live equal and thus live together and love each other as equals.

This is the point that I had not realize I was missing in not facing the prospect of giving up this point in it’s entirety as the desire for a life partner/relationship – that by trying and attempting to make someone special in my world, I was compromising that which could be as my relationships/interaction to all other beings in life. By spending time giving more attention to this one person in my life who I believe is special and ‘what we have together’ as our relationship, I am neglecting all other life and thus my responsibility towards all other life as living equal to it.

I have tried to hold on to this underlying desire and simply alter and mutate it so that I could ‘fit it into my process/ideal of what is best for all life’ – or rather, I have tried to ‘fit my process/ideal of what is best for all life’ into this underlying desire, giving it precedence over my self-responsibility towards life and this process I am in. I have tried to validate this desire by still looking for ‘the right one’, but simply altering this definition of ‘the right one’ to a person that would apparently be conducive to my process. I have not fully embraced process first, unconditionally, and to do that, the desire for ‘everything to work out the way I have it planned’ has to be let go of completely. As Bernard said it is important to risk everything with no guarantee to be able to fully stand up for life, and so it is necessary to let go of this ideal that I will and should eventually find ‘the right one’ and be in a relationship.

It seems like a lot as currently this is the norm and standard in our society, just as it was the norm and standard in my mind which had copied this ideal from society. But what am I really giving up? I am giving up the desire to be special and have a special experience of myself through others, to compensate for where I have not fully embraced life as myself. I am giving up the belief that some are worth more than others (for looks or personality or whatever reason/justification) and therefore require more love/attention than others. I am giving up the lack of attention I am giving to those who require it, and embracing the opportunity to fully embrace everyone as myself, as equal and one – whether I like them or not, whether they are my friend or not, whether they are living with me or not, whether they are in my country or not, whether they agree with me or not – despite all conditions that may allow me to justify why I can not fully embrace other/life as myself.

I have never really imagined life without this relationship or the pursuit of this relationship. But now that I look at it, I can see that this is the freedom that I have not yet allowed myself to give to myself – the freedom from preoccupation of desires through which I have missed life so badly.

Having love can never compare to living life because within love we lose sight of life as our idea of love is based in the principle that one/some are more special than others, and within this we disregard life extensively, what could be of life, and who we could be if we were to actually embrace all life as one and equal to ourselves, by letting go of all illusions that control and enslave us into a lesser expression of ourselves. And this kind of individualization that is through making value judgments of some being more special than others is really the ultimate statement of being a lesser expression of ourselves, because: why else would we be looking for something ‘better’ or ‘more special’ or ‘a higher experience of ourselves’? It can only be possible if we accept ourselves as ‘less than’/not equal to life, and this is something that we have done from very early on in our existence.

It is this point of self interest, of wanting and desiring something more special that has kept me from giving of myself fully to life, because; apparently there is something special/more important that can be attended to/experienced and as long as this exists within the back of my mind, my experience of life is less, it is a struggle, it is something that I don’t fully want to do or embrace because apparently it is less due to there being something better.

I now understand why, about 6 months ago, I had a massive reaction to someone who had been judging me for not having a relationship, as if it were abnormal in a negative sense – because while I had not committed to a relationship as this ideal/norm that we have, I had not fully given up my desire for it, which everyone else has. And I am only ready to face the judgment of those who react to my non-compliance of this ideal/norm if I have fully given it up myself in clarity and absolute self honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to approach having relationships/interactions with a starting point of survival where I am looking to place people into positive and negative categories of friends and enemies as I see as being conducive to my survival – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to approach interactions with women from the starting point of ‘looking for the one’ and whether or not this person would be ‘the right one’ as a candidate for someone to have a relationship with as a preoccupation

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how money, relationships and survival have become the basic preprogramming of my life that were designed to keep me enslaved  through preoccupation of believing that ‘this is what matters and should get my attention’ as my starting point to living life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and alter/mutate my desire to have a special someone/relationship by creating a definition of ‘the one’ that is apparently conducive to my process, using this as a justification as to why I can continue with this search for the one and preoccupation with women and relationships

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a relationship/special someone is normal, natural and what everyone should be doing – not realizing that within this acceptance and allowance, I am creating separation as the norm of life where life is no longer one and equal

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to create a world where all life is equal and none are more special than others, through my living example as giving up the desire to be special and have some as more special than others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss life/not fully embrace life as myself by allowing the belief that some are more special than this belief and allowing myself to pursue the desire to have a ‘higher experience’ through this belief

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all aspects of my life, from everyday interactions with people to work to school – has become a struggle because I have accepted some people/experiences as being better than others and thus as long as this acceptance/allowance continues, I am not fully allowing myself to embrace life and life will be a struggle because apparently living life is ‘less than’/worse than these other experiences I have defined as special and ‘more than’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how my desire for a relationship has held me back from being successful in school, work and life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to fully embrace that to live as I would like to as a life that is best for all where I honor all life as myself in everyway: I am require to give up the desire for a relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by fully giving up the desire for a relationship, the search for a relationship and the ideal/norm that I must have a relationship to complete my life, I am freeing myself to embrace and fully live life as one and equal to it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the search for a relationship and partner – no matter how I have justified it as ‘the right thing to do’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my desire to have a partner as a relationship actually keeps me from fully loving my partner as myself as the starting point is to have a partner – not to assist and support others as myself in equality and oneness – and that this starting point of desire will keep me from assisting and supporting them as who they are

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give precedence to the desire to have a relationship and sex over my process and doing what is necessary to sort myself/this world out

When and as I see myself trying/attempting to form a relationship with another because I believe this is a positive thing that will make me feel good or I have justified it as being good for my life/my process – I stop, I breathe, I see how I have allowed the desire to have a partner/relationship/sex/special someone in my life to exist within me as an engrained pattern/norm – and I do not participate in this tendency to try and form a relationship where the opportunity presents itself simply because it has the appeal of bringing me an apparently positive experience

When and as I see myself wanting to form a relationship because ‘it looks good’ or ‘this is the right person’ as I have justified it as somehow helping me/benefitting me/making me stronger – Is top, I breathe, I see and realize how this is actually the desire for sex/a higher experience which is actually a weakness and makes me dependent – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself approaching interactions with women from the starting point of ‘there could be more’/’this could turn into a relationship maybe’ – I stop, breathe, and I do not allow myself to participate in my interactions from this starting point and motive

When and as I see myself justifying having relationships as being good for my process/good for me/good for the other, no matter what the justification is – I stop, I breathe, and I do not allow myself to create a justification within myself as I must be self honest with myself that it is all based on the desire for sex/a special someone/an experience of something more – I do not allow myself to create such justifications no matter how good or noble they sound as doing what is best for all is about my own process of self honesty

I commit myself to create a world where all can live in love as equals to each other where no one is special and thus no special relationships exist where some are worth more than others – through my own example of embracing all life equally and not creating someone as more special than others in my mind

I commit myself to stop the desire for a relationship and to stop creating relationships as they are based in self dishonesty as the desire for a higher experience of myself as I have not embraced all life as myself here

I commit myself to create a life of ease where there are no special experiences and thus there is nothing I could resist as I have embraced all life as myself through the stopping of the belief that some people/experiences are better than others

I commit myself to embrace school, work, chores, responsibilities and interactions with others through letting go of the desire for/belief in a higher experience of myself

I commit myself to embrace all others as myself without any fears, ulterior motives or desires as the desire for a higher experience of myself through that which I believe I can attain through others as a form of not accepting/embracing myself as life

I commit myself to give up all relationships so that all life can be equal