Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

Day 256: garbage in, garbage out

I originally titled this post ‘input, output’ – but then realize that I could probably write much more interesting posts about the importance of supporting oneself and how we only get what we give. Well this post has the same theme, but is more focused on the downfalls of the shit that I tend to put into myself, which made me remember that expression, garbage in, garbage out – we must do enough of that as human beings that it has become an idiomatic expression. We really put the ‘idiot’ back in IDIOmaTic expression.

I would like to say more in today’s post, would like to share some more in depth, well re-searched and insightful stuff for you, but the fact is that after a day of not supporting myself, I really don’t have much to offer, which I am regretting in this moment. I used the excuse that I worked hard today, because I have been working since 8 this morning to about 8 this evening, and yet, not only did I not support myself, but in the absence of self support, I filled that time void with shit instead, falling back into old patterns of concerning myself and preoccupying myself with things that do not matter, are not relevant, and do not support me.

So it is like anything this way, if I do not support myself, if I am not diligent in ensuring that I do the research necessary to support myself, that I do not do the necessary input to support myself, to expand myself – then only garbage comes out. It is fascinating because I felt like I could just take ‘the middle of the road’ and not do anything, as if doing nothing would be fine, and it is like “I will take a rain check on this one, and support myself later – there will be no consequences to that” – and yet I see that if I am not supporting myself to live life in such a way where every single moment is a real self expansion, a real personal growth, a real new experience – then not only am I stagnating –  am actually diminishing.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to support myself in remaining diligent with my process and applying myself in ways necessary such as research, study, and self investigation, to be able to expand, grow and continue moving within my process and to justify this with the idea that I have worked hard and the belief that I can do nothing and it will be of no consequence – not realizing that there are always consequences of regret that I have allowed myself to diminish further

Thus I commit myself to remain steadfast and diligent in my self application in this process, to not use excuses and justifications of having worked hard or feeling as if I deserve a break as a way of shifting my priorities and focus – when such thought arise as the desire to shift priorities and escape my self responsibility to myself/life, I stop them, I breathe, and I do not participate in these thoughts or this energetic experience of wanting to escape, as I see, realize and understand that I am only sabotaging and deceiving myself from actually growing and living life

Day 253: What the hell is wrong with you?!

Today I am writing about self righteousness, as I am noticing it’s outflows in various forms. It is a form of blame, and tends to be experience as like a ‘wtf’ kind of reaction towards others, when I am seeing a point that is fucked, and yet I am reacting to the point because of how it somehow relates to me, where I am somehow living the same point without necessarily realizing it – it is only when it is presented in another, perhaps in a different form, that it becomes obvious because it is not me, it does not have the exact same look and feel as my own shit, but it is the same in essence.

Now it is obviously pointless to live this way because I mean, sure, the whole world is fucked, people are fucked beyond belief, but if we live in judgment and blame, we are literally never going to get anything accomplished in terms of affecting any real change. It is simply not effective to judge and blame others for who they are as what they have become and believe themselves to be, when I have not taken responsibility for my own self as what I have become and who I believe myself to be.

As long as I am reacting – I am ineffective in directing a point, as it shows that I have not yet cleared/directed myself effectively. As long as I am looking to make a point or prove a point, I know that I have abdicated my self-responsibility to such a level that I am actually going out and trying to change the point in others as a form of self righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so accustomed to blaming and judging others, within the desire to be special/better than others, within the fear and pursuit of survival, that I have actually created a character of self righteousness that will focus on the mistakes others are making, without first actually implicating myself and looking at where I have made/am making mistakes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the experience of reacting to others, not take the point back to self and write myself so that I can see how I created this experience for myself, how the negative experience started out as a positive one, based in desire and positive energy as a form of delusion/escapism from reality, and that I have allowed myself to act on such reactions, believing them to be real in self righteousness, rather than sorting myself out, and not being satisfied to move on and speak with others/direct others until I am %100 clear and have directed the point – as until this is done, I am only speaking to my own detriment and the detriment of others 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe the experience of judgment and blame in thought to be real – and that I have not fully embraced my reaction as reflection of myself, being strict in stopping my experience and immediately working it out until I am clear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let greed/wants/desires, to not have to change, to be special, to live a life or unequal privilege, sabotage me into wanting to blame others and be superior, while not in fact taking self responsibility for who I am, to rather in this way create a self/world that is best for all life 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself judging/blaming others, to immediately stop and not give any power/attention thought to more judgment blame, as I see, realize and understand that any and all reactions are in fact about me, and thus to even be effective in directing others and sorting out this shitty experience of judgment/blame, I commit myself to immediately look at my reactions, breathe, and work them out through self writing, taking a moment to step outside of myself and look at how it all started, to write about how I feel as being about me, and not an actual reflection of what I am experiencing of others, committing myself to do this until I am sorted out and clear, and not making any excuses to stop myself or avoid/not take self responsibility as sorting myself out

Thus I commit myself to never again speak out of reaction, or act out of reaction, but to rather give myself the patience, and give to myself/others the support and understanding necessary by always working shit out before I continue to react or act on such reactions or believe them to be real in any way – thus I commit myself to never give power/attention to what others are doing as a form of blame, as all are equally responsible and that which we are angry about/fear in others, we are the same in essence, and thus from this perspective it does not matter what others do, but rather who self is and what self does, because only by supporting self and taking self responsibility on the point for/as self, is one able to then direct others at a physical level in self honesty and common sense

Day 212: Utilizing dreams to face and correct the mind

Early this morning I had a crazy dream – I have had a few in recent times that were very intense, the kind of dreams about things that you really fear happening, so I am glad every time to wake up and find out it was just a dream. However a dream gives indications as to what is going on in one’s mind, so if I don’t check this stuff out, it may eventually become a reality.

In this particular one, it was about some assignment I had submitted for school, where I received a poor grade – and when I checked it out, it turned out that the assignment was a mess. There were half pages missing due to my printer malfunctioning, there were loads of spelling and grammar errors – all of it indicating that I really didn’t check over my work before submitting it. I immediately went to justifications (well the printer didn’t work/it’s not my fault) and then finally to anger, where I made a scene in the class. This is unnecessary and ineffective, but I am essentially trying to salvage the moment when it has already been lost, when much more progress could instead be made in the long run if I take self responsibility, correct myself and improve myself, preventing this kind of thing from ever happening again.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into blame and justifications for where I have fallen/not taken a point into consideration/not lived equal to a point/not taken responsibility – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the moment, not realizing that it is already lost as consequence from past decisions made, and within this fear, to try and attempt to throw a temper tantrum to make my argument as justification/blame seem more real and have myself believe in it

I commit myself to apply myself and take full responsibility for myself in doing whatever is necessary to be done so that I do not face future consequence for doing all that I am capable of doing

When and as I see myself justifying/blaming others for where I have fallen/not taken full responsibility/not fully applied myself – I stop, I breathe, I do not participate in the desire to justify, blame and throw temper tantrums in an attempt to salvage what has already been lost, and rather I see where I can learn from the mistake to improve myself forevermore – and thus I breathe through my reactions of blame/justification until the thoughts/energy passes

Day 207: The reward of giving up self interest and desire

I find this process to be a challenge in every moment because in every moment there is a choice to be made which is to stick with a decision I am making. It is not a decision you make and then everything is just fine and you can go back to how your life always has been – you make the decision and then the challenge is to live by the principles that you have decided on in every moment. To stop your desires. To stop your fears. To stop your greed. To stop all of the nasty shit that is going on in your mind and to do everything possible to expose, investigate and understand what is going on in your mind as necessary to be able to stop it. Initially in my process I would just judge my thoughts and suppressed them without fully understanding them, but I am realizing more and more than a point cannot be stopped if it is not understood, so within this, dedication and commitment to do the work is key.

It is very challenging at times because you are busy living it out and that ‘living it out’ gives you all the momentum needed and all the reasons and justifications necessary to give up and live real change. This resistance was so engrained within me that I didn’t even know I was experiencing it until someone else pointed it out to me.

But while I have made much mention of how difficult this task is, I have not focused as much on the reward of it all. When you do stick with it and do what is necessary to be done, it is extremely rewarding – a whole new world and way of experiencing yourself opens up which, in contrast to life as we know it being such a hardship/hell, is like living in heaven. Living without fear because you have stopped your evil ways is like a heaven.

That is why we live in so much fear – we fear ourselves within others – we are constantly seeing who we are within ourselves as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become, projected into others, and then we fear this mental projection of ourselves and before we know it we are having all kinds of nasty thoughts. We start constructing defense mechanisms, saying nasty things about others in our minds, comparing ourselves to them and making them superior in our minds, plotting and scheming. It is really no way to experience oneself, it is not what we can call ‘life’ or ‘living’.

Living without the fear of others (as the actual fear of ourselves) is quite awesome. Living without anger and hatred in our hearts – which is actually just an offense/defense mechanism of fear – is really the way that we would all like to experience ourselves – even if some so completely lost and consumed in their experiences of fear/anger may not realize it. This mechanism serves to facilitate our fear in an attempt to control, so that we do not ‘lose’ that which we fear losing which our creation as ego and that which we believe we possess, so in a way this all starts with the idea of ourselves and self interest, and the desire for more that is birthed in self interest and the idea of acquiring possessions to facilitate, feed and bolster our self definition.

Putting the rewards of the personal experience of letting go of all this shit aside, the world is in quite a mess and the consequences of not doing this will be quite dire for each one, even if we may not fathom it. Things are really bad in the word right now and there is really no limit to how bad it can get. ‘Have a heart’ as the saying goes, because I mean after all without a heart, you won’t exist any longer.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is always fear, indirectly, as from creating a point of self definition as ego/mind, the fear of loss (and subsequent desire for ‘more’/to control/possess/dominate) is then created and from this fear of loss, anger and even violence is created, whether physical or in words/thought, as the mechanism to protect that which I fear losing

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear others because I fear myself as that which I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as and thus they key to stopping all fear of others is to stop my desires, greed and self interest as ego/mind – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the reward of giving up desire as ego/mind as this is what I have been yearning for, for as long as I can remember, as this is peace and freedom, heaven

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all judgments, comparisons, attacks and justifications of judgments that exist in my mind are all forms of abuse that in fact exist as fear as the fear of changing myself/losing what I have created

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the inability to trust others/doubting/fearing others is actually based in a lack of self trust as not giving up my own desires and not being honest with myself within this

I commit myself to stop all anger as fear and fear of loss that exist within my mind

I commit myself to stop all desires that exist within the mind as desire is that which create and sustain fear within me

I commit myself to stop all the judgments, projections, comparisons and justifications that exist as thoughts in my mind which seek to protect my ego as desire and self interest, preventing me from changing and giving myself the gift of heaven on earth as living without fear

I commit myself to stop the fear of others by trusting myself and thus trusting others, and creating this self trust through being self honest in stopping all desires as they come up in the moment as my thoughts

When and as I see myself fearing/not trusting others – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is about me as it pertains to self trust as self honesty as not giving up my own desires – and thus I do not participate in this fear/lack of trust but rather take the point back to self – I give myself the gift of not fearing others and trusting others completely through trusting myself as being honest within myself in giving up desires/thought as the mind

When and as I see myself becoming angry with others – I stop, breathe and I realize that this is me trying to protect my ego from having to change/take the point back to self and thus I do not accept and allow myself to become angry but rather use this experience of anger as a gift to see where I am still trying to protect my mind/ego as desire/self dishonesty