Tag Archives: laziness

Day 322: Wasting a moment

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Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?

 

I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.

 

Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.

 

This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all

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Day 290: “Just Keep Moving” – Persistence

Today the word persistence was brought to my intention – it is sticking with me at the moment because this is a word that I can see will be important to learn and integrate into my living, if I am going to ever really create the life that is best for all life. It goes hand in hand with consistency, another important point that has been difficult for me to learn and integrate in my process – perhaps I have not been persistent enough to be consistent.

Another reason why this word struck a chord for me is that my mind interferes with my process a whole fucking lot – meaning, even though the process is about stopping the mind, I have been using it for so long that I do not necessarily always see myself and from what starting point I am acting from, so I will tend to make the mistake of trying to solve my problems with the mind, even by turning ideas of stopping the mind into mind systems that misdirect me – do you still follow me? It’s a tricky situation, because I have a tendency to constantly judge things and the more I think and judge, the less I see that I am judging and try to use judgments as thoughts to try and direct myself/my world – not a recommended way.

I have seen the importance within this of doing physical work – or in other words, living, but it is living without the mind, being here as just a physical being, directing myself in the moment without my mind influencing me and using physical actions to support myself, such as for instance writing.

This is where persistence is require, because it is so easy to just get lazy. To just sit there and think, and every moment that I spend not moving myself, not directing myself, not doing an activity that is specifically supportive to me within the context of my process – is another moment accumulated thinking. I often trap myself into sitting around and thinking by believing that ‘rest and quiet is what I need’ (doing nothing) because apparently I need it, or I am not ready, or I can’t do it, or what if I fail? – these are the excuses I use with myself.

But I noticed something very interesting today. Today was a day where I scheduled myself to be very busy, where, from 8am to 5pm, I had a number of different things to do which all took maybe 30 minutes to 2 hours each. Because of this constant movement, and essentially ‘having no time to stop and think’, I had to simply live – and it was rather cool. I can see the difference in my beingness, my awareness, when I have spent time living in the mind versus when I have spent time really living as just a physical being – the latter is really a cool experience, the former, not cool at all.

So I see that the key to supporting myself is to be persistent with myself – to push myself to move, to live, no matter what – and that this does not need to be a stressful or difficult experience. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the things that I have to do during the day and this is another reason for sometimes giving up on myself and stalling/thinking/procrastinating. But I can only live one moment at a time – an old cliché – once again, the answers to life are so simple – they only require to be lived and applied in a world where the mind complicates everything.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to move me and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be persistent in moving myself in every single moment, through the fear of living and the fear of failure or making a mistake – I allow me to move me and live here, without self doubt, fear or any form of mind interference as thought – I commit myself to, when and as I see myself in moments where I am stagnant/not moving/not working towards something, to recognize such moments and immediately find a point within which I can move myself – and to not further stall by trying to decide which point to do or how it will be done or any other form of mind projecting – but to simply, stop thinking, breathe, and move myself onto the next activity in the moment.

 

Day 267: Laziness and energy flow

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Throughout this process, sometimes I feel frustrated because I have worked on a point so much, and applied myself to change on this point – and yet may still fall from time to time. I feel like “I have figured this shit out, I know what it’s all about, I know how it works – why do I still fall? What am I missing here?

I have lived a life where basically I was given no real value or support to develop self expression, and in absence of that I developed a shell of a life, a shell of a ‘me’, a fake me to replace the real me to give myself an experience of having lived or having value. That is not life – that is energy and that is what most people seem to be doing to some degree or another – looking for the next high, the next happy experience of themselves. We are hellbent on this feeling that we perceive to be happiness.

Through this ‘fake me’ I have developed, I have developed all kinds of bad habits where the personality lives itself out to get this higher experience of itself – it is basically just ego. In a way these habits are really just a form of laziness, because it is so easy to just fall back into old habits and never have to act/work to live myself, to take on new experiences and self development – that takes far more work/action. As I remember hearing years ago through Desteni portal interviews: laziness is a drug. I see now the practicality and implications of these words more than ever.

I need to be realistic about the fact that stopping these habits take time and absoluteness. They require an absoluteness in my resolve to stand and stop these habits/patterns – both the bigger patterns and the smaller. The smaller points seem insignificant, like I can just let them ‘slide’ and they will be of no consequence or if there is a consequence it will apparently be minor and I can ‘handle it’.

But the fact is that these points begin what could be called a flow of energy. I saw this word ‘flow’ used in this way recently, to explain the accumulation of energy that is built up when we give into seemingly insignificant moments of weakness and desire, and it is a useful word in that its shows how the momentum of the energy is already moving, and from another blog I recently read it was pointed out to me how something that is moving is hard to stop, the more momentum and force it has. 

Seems obvious doesn’t it? Yet we always miss the obvious. So it is best that I not fool myself when I am playing with the fire of energy as seemingly small/harmless habits, thinking that I can handle it, because these are the points that inevitably lead to a big fuckup.

We tend to believe that we are in charge, that we are the masters of our domain – this is simply not so, but rather that voice in our head that tells us this is ego, stepping forth in place of your actual self to deceive you so that you don’t change and it can keep getting what it wants, like an drunk person believing they are in fine condition to drive. 

And there are so many ways to justify it: “just this one time, just a bit, I can handle it, I am stressed, I need to relax, I’m in a bad mood, this will cheer me up!” But as I have mentioned about my past history, these habits and the desire to give into these habits have been formed purely as a compensation for not having lived – replacing the experience of living a life of self value and self expression with a bundle of addictive behavior habits/patterns that give me an energetic experience which I have come to trust and call happiness.

So, this shit is going to take time, coupled with strictness and consistency in terms of what I will or will not allow. It will take time and consistency to stop the habits and to even first establish the new tools/support systems as consistent and unwavering, until they are natural and automated.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is the fuel of personality and with energy, the personality has a certain flow, and that this energy as personality will flow more when I give it more energy, and that this personality is not in fact me but a demonic entity that exist within me that drives me to the brink of my own possessions/obsessions as fears/beliefs/desires and that to give into even a single thought of desire is to build and accumulate energy which fuels the flow of the mind

 

Thus I commit myself to be strict in not giving into thoughts/moments of desire as I see, recognize and understand that it is only through these small moments that I am able to either damn myself or set myself free, and thus when and as I see thoughts of desire arise – I immediately stop, breathe and let go, to keep breathing if they are persistent until the energy has stopped, and as the energy has dissipated and been diffused through breath I am then able to move me, to express me, to live me a new and see who I am in these new moments of opportunity where I am no longer controlled, influenced and directed by my own weaknesses as thoughts of desire.

Day 256: garbage in, garbage out

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I originally titled this post ‘input, output’ – but then realize that I could probably write much more interesting posts about the importance of supporting oneself and how we only get what we give. Well this post has the same theme, but is more focused on the downfalls of the shit that I tend to put into myself, which made me remember that expression, garbage in, garbage out – we must do enough of that as human beings that it has become an idiomatic expression. We really put the ‘idiot’ back in IDIOmaTic expression.

I would like to say more in today’s post, would like to share some more in depth, well re-searched and insightful stuff for you, but the fact is that after a day of not supporting myself, I really don’t have much to offer, which I am regretting in this moment. I used the excuse that I worked hard today, because I have been working since 8 this morning to about 8 this evening, and yet, not only did I not support myself, but in the absence of self support, I filled that time void with shit instead, falling back into old patterns of concerning myself and preoccupying myself with things that do not matter, are not relevant, and do not support me.

So it is like anything this way, if I do not support myself, if I am not diligent in ensuring that I do the research necessary to support myself, that I do not do the necessary input to support myself, to expand myself – then only garbage comes out. It is fascinating because I felt like I could just take ‘the middle of the road’ and not do anything, as if doing nothing would be fine, and it is like “I will take a rain check on this one, and support myself later – there will be no consequences to that” – and yet I see that if I am not supporting myself to live life in such a way where every single moment is a real self expansion, a real personal growth, a real new experience – then not only am I stagnating –  am actually diminishing.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to support myself in remaining diligent with my process and applying myself in ways necessary such as research, study, and self investigation, to be able to expand, grow and continue moving within my process and to justify this with the idea that I have worked hard and the belief that I can do nothing and it will be of no consequence – not realizing that there are always consequences of regret that I have allowed myself to diminish further

Thus I commit myself to remain steadfast and diligent in my self application in this process, to not use excuses and justifications of having worked hard or feeling as if I deserve a break as a way of shifting my priorities and focus – when such thought arise as the desire to shift priorities and escape my self responsibility to myself/life, I stop them, I breathe, and I do not participate in these thoughts or this energetic experience of wanting to escape, as I see, realize and understand that I am only sabotaging and deceiving myself from actually growing and living life

Day 140: Afraid of success = afraid of responsibility


With my life becoming busier more and more recently, and myself slowly but surely ‘climbing the ladder of success’, I noticed that much of my fear/anxiety/resistance to really applying myself to the utmost and living to my full potential, actually has to do with a fear of being successful. Yes, there is an element of pure laziness in this, but what is this laziness actually based in? I realized tonight that this whole fear of applying myself and becoming successful is actually based in the fear of the responsibility that comes with it.

One aspect of this that has scared me, is my own self interest. In a way I feared an ascent to success because of the nature of the person that I have been in the past within this process. Previously in my life, this ascent was spiteful and competitive in nature, where I cared only about my own self interest and would step over anyone who got in my way to get to where I wanted to be. As I have been correcting these points as myself interest, this fear has began to dissipate and self trust has been developing slowly but surely.

However, with a ‘new me’ pursuing a successful life, I know now the responsibilities that come along with being successful, as I would not be able to live with myself and look in the mirror with dignity and respect, if I did not sue my position of success/power to the best interest of all life. I know that with ever step forward, I will have to remain self honest and stop all points of self interest that would have be abuse my success/power.

So this is where resisting success and going out there into the world and applying myself/living to my full potential is created, because it is so much easier to excuse oneself from taking self responsibility when we play the ‘helpless’ character. “What can little old me do, I’m just a poor failure in life, I could never be of help in sorting this world out”. While this in itself is a lie, it seems like a better excuse in the minds eye, and wallowing in self pity and an inability to actualize self change can be a consuming experience.

Thus:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for myself by becoming a successful being in this world system who actually has the power/influence to make a difference and lasting change in this world. Within this I forgive myself that I have used the excuses of powerlessness/inferiority and self pity to not fully apply myself and live to my full potential.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate competition with self interest and thus fearing becoming competitive and competent, not realizing that competition does not intrinsically imply self interest and that I am able to compete and be successful in the world system, within the starting point of what is best for all life as utilizing success and a position of power/influence to create a new world that is best for all life

I commit myself to fully apply myself and live to my full potential in becoming competitive, competent and successful within the world systems so that I may rise to a position of power and influence so that I may have an effect in creating a world that is best for all life – within this, I commit myself to remain self honest here, within and as breath, and self investigation through self writing, as I work slowly but surely to ascend to a position of power so that I may be trusted with life and to always do what is best for all life

Day 122: Addictive personality: Pro Sports

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Yesterday I wrote about my relationship with food and sleep which opened up a bigger point of ‘who I am’ in my world, of being lazy, sluggish, and generally resistant to living and applying myself which had become an engrained kind of way of life, where I will for instance be lazy and sluggish with sleep or some forms of entertainment, and then want to go to the other extreme of moving very ‘fast’ where I want to be very stimulated and do interesting and exciting things that stimulate me, like for instance eating certain food or doing certain activities – entertainment also plays a part within this, oddly enough.

 

What supported me in developing this perspective – aside from investigating through how I experience myself and live through writing in self reflection – was a video I watched my Matti Freeman where he talks about people doing things like extreme sports that is actually based in an experience of boredom and experiencing self as ‘less than’. I had seen this point before of how people do things like this because they are so depraved that the go looking for thrills, but Matti explains this in his video very clearly and with effective language that shows the extent of how this mind construct works, in terms of it’s origin point and subsequent play-outs – as I am still beginning to see how this relates to my life, even though it is not in extreme cases like extreme sport thrill seeking. I suggest you watch this video.

 

2013 – Secret to a Life without Boredom:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1wbgOx065A

 

This is an overall societal/cultural condition that does exist within everyone’s life to some degree or another, and while it can even be seen in the effect on natural living experiences like sleeping and eating, there are also obviously some things that we do outright just to have this experience. One of those things for me is watching pro sports.

 

I remember a time when pro sports really did not interest me at all. I remember my step father getting tickets to go see a game and he offered me to go with my sister. Little did I know at this age (12) that pro hockey was a big deal and these were ‘hot tickets’ and why they were surprised I didn’t want to go. Eventually, I started going to games in my teen years with my step father. I didn’t know much about hockey, but everyone else seemed to. I just knew that if the home team scores or wins, that is good, and if the other team scores on us or wins, that’s bad. I would jump up and applaud like everyone else. At this time I had already started playing American football competitively too, so overall sports started to become a ‘bigger deal’ in my teen years, whereas when I was young I played soccer and baseball, or games in gym class but didn’t really care that much, other than again the vague notion that winning was good/fun.

 

As we kept going to these hockey games, they became more intense. Our local hockey team started making the playoffs and there was a big rivalry with the Toronto hockey team. As people look back at this time, it is considered some of the ‘golden years’ of entertainment as far as its history goes, with the rival being so intense. And it was. The games were crazy and the fans were crazy – a real competitive cult like mentality, where people got so carried away with this game. This is where the love of watching sports – hockey in particular – stuck with me. I became a ‘fan’ of my home team and have always followed them ever since.

 

Obviously since I started learning about equality, self honesty, self forgiveness, and the complete mess that our world is in right now and how that works – through mind control and cult mentality/brainwashing – my perspective has changed somewhat on this in terms of it obviously being what it is as just another aspect/manifestation of this problem we have in our world. Conditioning people to be competitive, spiteful, distracting us from the real things that matter in life with pointless entertainment where we literally do the same thing and play the same game over and over again, engraining repetitiveness and narrow-mindedness as a way of life – all as an overall societal and CULTural way of life.

 

So while this experience isn’t nearly as intense as it used to be for me, I am not as emotionally invested, I still have a habit of checking out games and highlights and things. The world of sports is amazing this way because there is SO MUCH sports media that one could literally waste their entire days entertaining themselves with sports media, and I’m sure some people in this world do.

 

It is a pointless habit really. As I mentioned, it does not even bring me the same kind of excitement or thrills that it used to. At this point it is more simplistically about distracting and preoccupying myself with pointless stuff that doesn’t matter – going back to the whole ‘laziness as a way of life’ point. And I have used this ‘pointless stuff’ aspect of it to even justify it as being an ok thing to do, as if it has no consequence, like “oh well it is just mindless entertainment, like I spend enough time working and doing serious real world stuff, I just want to kick back and have some mind numbing entertainment for a little while”. But the fact is, it doesn’t numb my mind, it stimulates my mind which numbs me through having me preoccupied and stimulated with really pointless shit that has no real positive consequence for me or anyone.

 

I decided to bring up this point as something that I can change relatively easily and immediately – although even this is an engrained habit and there will still be the desire to tend to want to ‘go back there’ and watch sports – because this is one of the easier things to change, whereas sorting out my relationship with things like sleep, food or sex may be a longer process. Following pro sports is something I can simply stop, and Today I am making a commitment to myself to stop watching pro sports for at least 21 days – to see who I become during this time and who I am at the end of this period – as certainly stopping any engrained habit/pattern is sure to bring a real change to one’s life in terms of how they perceive and experience themselves and their world.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to watch and follow sports

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that participating in watching sports is time wasted where nothing in my life actually improves as I am simply engaging in a mental experiences that resonantly excites old memories of times where I believed I enjoyed being a sports fan because of the feeling/experience I created through associating a myself with competing athletes, and teams

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create positive associations between myself and competing athletes where I live vicariously through them through the ups and downs of watching them win or lose, or doing ‘neat tricks’ that are apparently impressive – not realizing that it is all just done for money and serves to simply distract people from what is real/important while a small few run away with all the money

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that professional athletes are superior or interesting or that the skills they exhibit are interesting or exciting as they only serve to do the same essential thing over and over again – that is to compete, win and make money

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive association with all the colors and logos of sports teams that act like beacons representing fun and entertainment apparently

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to justify participating in sports as apparently having no consequence because it is just pointless entertainment – not realizing the consequence of the mental effect it is having on me through engraining mind constructs of inferiority/superiority and laziness/the desire for stimulation

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that when I am watching pro sports I am resting – not seeing the obvious fact that it is actually stimulating my mind as stirring up energy

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to live vicariously through pro athletes through brining up past memories of being a competitive athlete and wanting to be recognized as an athlete through believing that athletes/athletics are cool – just because everyone else believes it is so

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that pro sports is just another cult that does not have the best interests of life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear not participating in pro sports as entertainment believing that life will be more boring or dull – not realizing that this is in fact the addictive personality of the mind speaking and projecting itself and that giving up watching pro sports with have absolutely no negative consequences whatsoever in my life

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to follow pro sports through websites, television and radio, participating in this habitual action or coming up with ideas/justifications/beliefs as to why this is acceptable to participate in – I stop, I breathe and I do not participate within and as this desire

 

I commit myself to stop watching/following pro sports for a minimum of 21 days to see who I am within this experience of giving up watching pro sports

 

www.desteni.org

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