Tag Archives: deception

Day 315: Daily self forgiveness: using the faults of others to justify my reactions

To those who spend their time looking for the faults in others: Quote About Spend Time Looking Faults Others

Just a quick post for today.


Today I had some experiences wherein I was becoming mildly frustrated with ‘the incompetence, bullshit and mischievous ways’ of others – apparently. It is fascinating because as much as I am able to blame others for how I experience myself, they are not ‘making me’ feel anything – everything I experience internally is about no one and nothing but myself.


The tricky part is how the mind uses real things in physical reality to justify and further ‘make real’ that which I am experiencing within myself. Sure, perhaps those who I was dealing with were incompetent, bulshitting and being mischevious, but by focusing on this I am overlooking the real point: the issue was over money, and within dealing with a point about money, fears of mine came up – ‘what ifs’ – which are points of self-doubt that the ego uses so cleverly to again ‘make real’ it’s own desires and beliefs. The only reason I experienced any irritation, frustration and therefore blame/judgment towards others, is because of the fears that dealing with money bring up


So the point here is to stop all reactions/projections/desires related to money and what the point of money really brings up: fear of loss.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose my things and be ‘cheated’ out of having things: money and possessions, and therefore one day find myself ‘without’ and ‘in trouble’ because I have nothing on which to survive – I commit myself to remain here within and as breath when and as this fear arises, as I see, realize and understand that I am only able to do what I am able to do within the necessity to survive and nothing more, and that to ‘over blow’ this point by acting out of fear and thus resorting to mind-tactics to be able to survive such as attacking others or intimidation – I stop, breathe, and do not allow myself to participate in my reactions and fearful projections about what I will do’, and rather remain here as breath until the energy passes and I may continue to support myself in a way that is not out of self interest and self preservation, but in a way that is best for all life and within the consideration/starting point of all life as equal and one


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use other peoples short comings to self righteously justify my own fears and reactions, and self beliefs about how my fears are real and how others are wrong and thus apparently are the reason for why I am reacting – I thus commit myself to, upon reacting to others within situations where I fear losing/loss/being harmed, to stop, and breathe, and not give into my reactions and blame towards others, as I see, realize and understand that this tendency to focus others faults is the ultimate deception that looks and feels ‘so real’ in the eyes of the mind because it may have a grain of truth, yet I am fooling myself my making the association between this and how I experience myself within myself as blame – and thus I do not participate in my reactions/projections onto others as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions


Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

Day 303: Some times we are living in…


One of the greatest things I was ever shown was how the mind has become an absolute trap – that the information which comprise the mind which is that we have been taught through experience in our culture/society, is not taught in my best interest – it is only here to lead me astray, to disempower me, to make sure that I am stuck in the mind that is based on belief, ideas, ideology, opinions, perceptions – never based in reality – so that I am not able to have any real effect in my reality whatsoever.

This is how we are all raised (razed?) and it is no wonder hoards and hoards of people – the vast majority of humans – are essentially useless, ineffective and are thus able to be controlled by a tiny percentage of the population who wield no real power but the ability to have us deceive ourselves within/as our own minds – we control ourselves for them. Having as much of an ego as I did at the time that I found this out, it was a great shock, and in vast contrast to how I had wanted to perceive myself: as being powerful and in control. It is that same ego that felt insulted, ridiculed, embarrassed – which drove me to zealously want to uncover the truth and figure things out.

It was only then later after I did sufficient research from sources less heard, walking a road less traveled, that I began to figure out that ego itself was part of the problem – that no matter what the illusion is that I am trapped in, the essential point is that my delusions were all about ME – self serving, and never in consideration of all life as equal and one. I began to see that the problem is not the brainwashing per say, but the brainwashed, following the religion of self-interest – a game that only a few people in positions of privilege and advantage will ever win.

I sometimes found it difficult to make this connection – between my own weaknesses, fears, insecurities, and the ‘bigger picture’ of the absolute mess that our society/world has become. But the more I let go, I see that it is the combined self-limitations of all people on earth, administered as brainwashing and mind control, that have us collectively creating the world as it is today.

Sometimes we stop because we realize what we are doing to ourselves. Sometimes we stop because we see what we are doing to others. Eventually, stopping becomes a point of common sense that is really what is best for all, and this is what stopping is becoming for me in my process. It is less about my reaction and anger and disgust with what I have seen in the world, and more of a common sense point because the way my life had become was no way of life at all – it had just become normal.

Sometimes it seems so difficult to question what has become normal and the way we have always existed and done things. How much is enough? How much does it take to make us stand up and take self responsibility to sort things out? Everyone has a threshold – no matter how lost, deluded or trapped – everyone has a ‘breaking point’ where they can take no more, once it dawns on us what we have actually been doing. That dawn is upon us and better we open our eyes than to resist what is here.

We all require to take a long, hard look in the mirror, we need it so badly that it should be a top priority in every free moment of our lives, if we actually were to recognize how much life matters. That long, hard look is best done through writing. Is it really such a big deal to question that which we have always trusted? Is it really so hard to consider that maybe there is another way? Is it really so hard to look at our world and consider – maybe this is not working, and maybe I am this which I observe in my external reality – maybe it is me.

Day 298: Removing energetic attachments to process



Currently I am on holiday and am getting a bit of a break from all the stimulation of being engaged in the matrix – work, school, friends, family etc. – so I am able to just come to my computer and write out points as they come up. On three separate occasions I ended up writing about the same essential point, which is process itself (my process of self change through self forgiveness and self corrective application).


The first writing was with regards to the positive/negative relationship that I have developed with process, where I allow my process to be limited and controlled by energetic charges, still trying to get some form of stimulation within my process and justify the stimulation as being necessary and real through the belief that this is how I must move myself, that there can only be self/movement as progress in my process if it is energy based:


on the ‘negative side’: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be intense in order to affect change, meaning that I must use some kind of energy such as anger or vengefulness or contempt as my motivation for affecting change, not realizing that within such a starting point I am only existing as energy and thus change is not real but rather just another way to get energy and live/experience myself as a high, as the mind is so insidious and tricky that it will justify this kind of behavior as rational and good because apparently it makes some kind of change happen, when this is not in fact so


on the positive side: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘be in a good place’ mentally where I feel good and satisfied before I can work on myself/my process/affect any kind of change, or that things must be perfect in my life or everything has to ‘be right’ or that I must have certain wants/demands met before I allow myself to work on myself and affect any real change, believing that I need or require to be stimulated into some kind of positive experience as the experience of positive energy to be able to move myself, as this is just another way for the mind to justify getting what it wants under the guise of ‘doing something good/positive’


I commit myself to not move myself in my process according to energy as positive/negative feelings and to no longer depend on energy for self movement, but rather to breathe through energy and not act on it, even if it is presenting itself/justifying itself as being ‘for the better’/’for change’, I do not follow such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply breathe through the energy


the second entry:


process doesn’t ‘feel good’ for the mind because in essence you are constantly correcting and disproving the mind, and the mind as ego doesn’t like to be wrong – what is then experienced as being ‘hurt’ and ‘unpleasant’ is actually allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as the point is then opened up once the illusions of my mind are shattered, which is experienced as this perception of ‘feeling hurt’


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in process by existing within/as the desire for positive energy wherein I place the condition on my living/application that process must ‘feel good’ as an energetic experience, within the belief that good feelings are what is important in life and that process as self improvement/change should somehow be a positive feeling experience – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make this association and within it, stop myself when facing points that I experience as ‘difficult’ or ‘being hurt’, especially in contrast to this belief, and within this not realizing that the bad feelings, which are essentially just a form of fearing change/tricking myself into not changing, is not real and just another trick of the mind experienced as ‘feeling hurt’/’feeling wronged’ by another, and I no longer allow myself to use this justification as self sabotage/self limitation as I see, realize and understand that this energy is not real but just the mind not wanting to accept the truth and lose illusions, unwilling to accept this experience of ‘being hurt’ and unwilling to support myself to breathe through this experience and keep moving


I commit myself to, in the moment that I am experiencing negative energy as the experience of being ‘hurt’ by others/’having my feelings hurt’, to stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is a trick of the mind as ego to stop self from moving forward through the justification that I don’t want to have negative experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to breathe through such experiences as they are not real, and just the mind fearing to lose itself/lose illusions – and thus when I experience this, I stop the fear through breath and keep moving in humbleness and humility


third entry:


feeling ‘stumped’ investigating words: I was not able to tell whether or not the word ‘process’ carried a positive energetic charge – but when I ‘talk it out’, it is like ‘of course it is good, how could process ever not be good?’ and then I realized ‘well, it is difficult as hell sometimes and not experienced as good!’ – so already I am seeing here how the word can easily get polarized – I also see how in looking at how I view this word, I was actually just trying to view it again, rather than looking at my actual experience of it, meaning: how am I living this word? How am I experiencing it n real time? And this is where reality sets in: I experience process as all kinds of things – specifically, I experience it positively as an idea in the mind, because process is like, awesome, right? lol. And then in reality I experience it as difficult and arduous. So the arithmetic here is quite simple. I am creating the negative experience in reality through the positive experience/definition that I have created within/as the mind – process requires no positive connotation/energetic charge, because after all, process is just common sense. It is who I am and the process of self discovery wherein I remove the layers of systems that limit me and see who I really am – and thus process can in reality carry no positive connotation because it is simply who I am – and thus if I am to live process for real, no connotations/positive energetic charges may be allowed to exist


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have given process/applying myself in process a positive energetic charge/connotation as I see, realize and understand that my process is an expression of who I really am and simple, obvious common sense as the necessity to express myself as who I really am


Thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe where and when I see myself defining/believing/judging process to be a ‘good thing’/positive thing as if it were some kind of tool/commodity for the mind/ego, as I see, realize and understand the common sense of process and that if I continue doing it from a starting point of believing that it is good/positive, I am in fact making process more difficult to effect in my reality because I believe it will be fun (as the mind experience fun as energy) when in fact it is just straightforward physical work/application and carries no energetic charge, and thus I am simply setting myself up for disappointment as this experience will feel negative in contrast to the positive experience that I created in the mind which I then believe/expect process to be – I stop all judgments of process as they arise as my thoughts

Day 288: Male/Female dynamics

Today I was observing some classmates interact. There are 4 classmates of mine, 2 of which are male, 2 of which are female, who I often see interact and I noticed 2 particular instances that I might of normally not noticed if it were not for having started to learn about equality (and gender inequality) through studying the Desteni material. I have been so accustomed to playing the role of being a typical straight male in the western world, that there is so much that I took for granted and just saw as normal – I mean I never even noticed or questioned.

The first observation was one of the guys teasing one of the girls. I don’t even know what it was about, but it was fascinating to see from a distance as the body language was put into focus. It was clearly observable who was teasing who, and the degree of passivity expressed by the female, the degree of ‘no fight back’ and the tendency to just sort of accept the whole thing. I’m not saying that fighting back is the answer, I merely observed this dynamic and realized that I never see the same thing, roles reversed, with females being more outspoken and aggressive, and males just kind of shying away from the imposition and passively playing along with it.

The second observation was when one of the guys put his book down, he perched it on top of the head of one of the girls – and she just sat there with the book on her head – same kind of passive acceptance – until he picked it up off her head again. Now maybe this is just my big ego talking, but I wouldn’t of put up with that shit…unless the girl was pretty enough…that was a joke which illustrates my point.

I noticed that males tend to assume a lot about their behavior and what boundaries are acceptable or not. That males, in some ways, tend to think we can get away with more. I notice an intrinsic tendency to treat females as weaker or more submissive, as if they naturally actually are that passive – this can’t be true because no gender is born with a specific kind of personality, and there is a MASSIVE history of relationship dynamics between men and women – using and abusing each other – that has shaped the way we design our personalities according to our gender.

It is like the whole point with younger people, like teenagers, where when a guy picks on a girl, a common explanation is that ‘it is because he likes you’ – ever heard that one before?

Yes perhaps a the man does like the woman in such cases – but not for the right reasons – they ‘like’ them simply because they have found a person who fits the mold of what the believe they want and this often involves finding someone who is passive and weak enough that the man can have some degree of perceived power and control over them.

I did it.

And I know that I am no exception. But here again is the problem which is that this program is so prevalent that it is one of the base programs of the matrix that we often never even come to question. I’m sure that many men are not even aware that they do this, just as I was not. As men, we have to question our desires and what they really stem from – this is why for instance men cannot just approach women and speak to them directly, they just play all kinds of games instead. I used to be so enthralled/possessed by the image of ‘beautiful women’ that this was all nearly impossible for me to question, and I merely thought my issue with women was purely about lust – when really that lust is just about the addiction to the energetic experience of perceived power over another – the visual image of the woman is just symbolic of one who is also playing the game themselves, they are making it clear that they are ‘game’ or ‘fair game’, and that is why we get so excited by this look, at a more subconscious level.

We as men are going to need to give up our desire to have power and control over another in order to feel some better about ourselves and look at how and why we have created this desire in the first place. For women, I would suggest to stop using the point of being an object to be desired as if there is some kind of power in it – there is none – both sides are fools and slaves in such a game. I have heard many women say that they focus on their looks ‘for them’ and not for others – that is simply not so.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have power and control over another to have an experience where I fell better about myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I have abandoned myself and not given myself the self love, self support and responsibility to live to my fullest and be the best that I can be, which is what created this desire to control others in the first place.


When and as I see myself trying to have power/control over others in relationships – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire is based in a lack of understanding of the problem and an attempt to fix a problem without understanding – thus within breath I see, realize and remember that I am the directive principle and thus to have a better experience of myself, I must live myself to the fullest and stop concerning myself with what others are doing in order to have some kind of power/sway over them.

Day 276: Points to reflect on, simplicity and strictness



There are a few things I am starting to figure out in this process. I have had a few experiences that have shows me these points, but the challenge has been structuring my living and doing so consistently to reflect and incorporate my newfound understandings. One point is that self dissatisfaction is an inevitability when we do not live to our full potential – the degree to which we are dissatisfied with ourselves isn’t as important as understanding that it is a mathematical certainty that the outcome of how we feel in being dissatisfied with ourselves is equal to the degree of input we put in, in terms of the degree to which we abdicate ourselves and give excuses/justifications as to why we can let things slide. There are so many excuses to not strive to be the best we can be. Weakness is like a habit. So this is a lesson to be learned and applied in the moments where desire strikes – to realize ‘where this is all going’ and where it is going to end up’, because of that self dissatisfaction will be expressed in some form or another, usually as self abuse or projecting/abusing others or blaming others.

Another point I understand is how tricky the mind is. We tend to assume that we are the ones who are in total control of our destiny and so sometimes when we are trying to change the demons that exist within us, we forget that the demon itself takes on a life of its own and the demon becomes the observer through which we try and effect change. I have referred to this before as ‘trying to change through the mind’ – it is impossible. This point highlights the importance of working with others in a group and using the support offered to investigate oneself to prevent the observer from taking over – namely, this highlights the importance of doing my DIP assignments and that this should be my past time.

Another point is that it is the fear of loss that the mind uses as it’s power to reason/excuse/justify why we should not stop ourselves from giving into old habits/patterns, why we should not push ourselves to go beyond our preprogramming. And yet: everything is and will be lost – just like the name of my old band – all is lost.

Another point I notice is that there it is not possible to make up for lost time – this plays into the point I mentioned about consequences being inevitable. On top of the consequences that one has to face when they fall, is the fact that this time spent falling is time lost that could have been lived, that could have been better spent creating a self and world that is best for all life. We are given a very limited amount of time here on earth to truly live our lives and make the best of it.

I have written in more depth on these points before – and yet from time to time I need a reminder. As mentioned, the mind is very tricky and this is why I find myself having to ‘get back to basics’ sometimes, because when I fall back into any old habit, even the smallest one, it ends up starting a domino effect of momentum where I begin to fall on other points, and before I know it, they accumulate and I fall off the wagon completely. After just 2 days of not writing to support myself, I find myself here having to get back to square one, to re-establish myself. In a way it is necessary to do this many times in process through breathing – every time a thought comes up, just breathe.

Sometimes I believe that if I am hard enough on myself, that I will be able to ‘grind myself to a halt’, because that’s how I used to deal with points, either judging myself until I stop or forcing myself to stop, like becoming my own policeman and jailor, but I can see that this is unnecessary and is only done when there is no self trust as self honesty, and thus I am not trust worthy and will naturally begin to police/jail myself. Breath is a point of self honesty here where I don’t need to force myself into submission, where I don’t have to make self change some massive effort, but rather simply remain here. Sometimes I link the keys to my process with the more prominent points that I am aware of that I must stop, but that is a deception, that is going back into morality as the policeman, because the mind can deceive in all kinds of whats and all it really comes down to is having thoughts – if I have thoughts, I am self dishonest, I am not here as breath in the physical reality – the only place one can ever live. It is as though the mind was created only to deceive, so that one can make plans ‘outside’ of the physical reality to try and fuck with it.

Anyways, this blog is not the most focused as I have not been focused lately. I did a lot of reading tonight and I read a point with regards to simplicity – keeping things simple. In practical terms, this means breathing when thoughts come up, as mentioned, and also going straight to writing when a point is required to be looked at, and when doing so – keep it simple! That means asking the right questions, asking simple questions, and continue to follow questions and answers to questions with more common sense questions until you’ve gotten to a point of clarity. I have had a tendency to judge myself or my questions/answers in this process, and before I know it I have gone into the mind and once again I am in observer mode. What was also mentioned in the post I had read about simplicity was the point of being strict. This is important within the context of understanding what the situation is here on earth, what it is that needs to be done, and thus realizing – why wait? Why waste time screwing around when time can be better spent elsewhere making a difference? And here I am talking about wasting time both with myself and others – neither should be done. There is always work to be done whether it is with me or with others, the point is to be strict about getting it done. Here again I come back to the aforementioned fear of loss, but I am can always ready and willing to explain why I am taking such a stance, and if one is not willing to hear me out – then there is a bias and right there is my indicator that I am wasting time hearing one who is not willing to hear.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be strict with myself and others in setting boundaries and being self directive in making sure that process is the priority – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time with others in a way where I am not being supportive towards them or myself, but rather follow them and give into their desires out of fear of loss because I fear losing them – when in fact each one is self responsible and each one can only lose themselves and such lostness cannot be forever as it is always energy/entity based.

Looking back in my process, it was the times where I was asked simple common sense questions that assisted and supported me the most – they just had to be the right questions. Also, the times where I was really struct with myself and diligent in stopping habits/patterns/addictions were the times where I made real progress and began to understand myself on a level that goes beyond energy/mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not keep things simple in terms of identifying what is here for fear of facing what is here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not assess what I am participating in and how I am living and what I am accepting and allowing with simplicity and common sense to see whether or not it is relevant/valid within the context of process and the work that is necessary to be done here on earth

I commit myself to keep things simple and stick to the simplicity of breathing and writing

I commit myself to be strict with myself in doing what it takes to stop myself and be effective in my process – including all of my activities, participations and acceptances and allowances, both within myself and in my outer world

I see, realize and understand that that which I accept and allow to be done unto myself as my own self dishonesties/abuses is that which I accept/allow others to do unto me and thus when I deceive myself I am giving others permission to deceive me with effectiveness, because I will not see the deception as I deceived myself and trusted the same energy that all humans use to deceive themselves and others