Tag Archives: school

Day 338: The Freedom of giving up

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I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.

 

The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.

 

But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.

 

From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.

 

So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.

 

Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.

 

The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

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Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

Day 304: Scheduling and the ability to be directive

 

I have written on this point before. It is proving to me a more challenging point as I have not yet been able to actualize that which is ideal. What I have not done consistently is to be persistent on the point, although I’m persisting now – so let’s say I have not been consistently persistent lol.

 

Now I am on vacation, and although it may seem strange to be focused on scheduling and disciplining myself, the truth is that life never stops and I have spent enough tie in my life vacating reality to not be persistent about developing effective work ethic and self application through organization and scheduling. Also, the vacation is a great opportunity to start with this point.

 

How will I go about this? The main ingredient in being effective with scheduling is self honesty and that is also the biggest challenge because there will be moments where I fear to give up whatever is here in the moment because I have to stick to my schedule. Keeping up any habit requires energy, attention and time, so I fear my schedule will take time away from that which I believe I must give attention to. Here self honesty is absolutely crucial because I have to recognize that old systems that I used to survive in the past simply don’t work. For instance – being obsessive about relationships and having a partner – in the past I would obsess over this point within an underlying belief that I could be saved by others, believing that the feeling I got from being immersed in a relationship and feeling ‘loved’/’cared for’ would somehow equate into surviving and having a good life, because this is what I had observed/believed from a young age with my parents and people around me.

 

Of course it does matter to be a part of this world, to truly interact – but relationships as we know them today have becoming a way of ‘interacting within a starting point of how we are different/separate wherein we fulfill fake roles that will apparently please each other. Within such a point, the drive is to become the character I believe I must be as much as possible, as fully as possible, completely immersing my whole life in it so I can live the character in absolutely every single moment – then it must be real! This is the belief system.

 

But with regards to real interaction and real living, it is important to remember the point of quality over quantity. Some of the people who had the greatest impact on my life, who could truly touch me in the core of my being beyond any form of ‘personalized intimacy’ I have ever known, did it swiftly and with effectiveness.

 

So this is the point: effectiveness: and if I am effective with myself and my own living, I am able to be effective in my living/interaction with others, and actually give more value and real meaning to my living here among others, more efficiently and effectively, which means I can do it more, and for more people. Once again, in giving up that which I fear to lose I am in fact gaining, because I am giving myself back to myself through truly living myself, truly taking the opportunities I have been gifted, truly living to my full potential. This point resonates in a way that is also beyond words and as I have found before, I will surely become more effective with my words because rather than trying to control with words, I become the directive principle in my life and thus my words become directive as an expression of myself as the directive principle.

 

Now I will begin scheduling.

Day 279: Turning big brother into a breath

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I have 1 student that I work with who has difficulty learning. It is fascinating because while he is capable, and has proven this, whenever he is put to task or instructed, he absolutely can not focus, he can not follow any kind of explicit instructions – he simply ‘turns off’ in a kind of way, although sometimes he may still appear like he is paying attention. It is fascinating how apparent this mental block is, as when I find a way to present things to him ‘casually’, or naturally through points that emerge through conversing with him, he shows that he is perfectly capable as a student. What is fascinating about this mental block is that it seems to be activated any time that work is presented to him some form of instruction, some for of thing that he must follow, some kind of prompt that he must respond to or fulfill – that is when he turns off. What I am suspecting is that through unpleasant schooling experiences, as children are forced into their education, he has developed this defense mechanism. I find it fascinating because I also suspect that at a deeper level, a child knows that the teacher or education is not really working in their best interest and so they simply do not trust them. Because as soon as something is presented within a context of ‘this is educational, we are learning, we are taking on a task’ – you know, when it gets ‘serious and official’.

Now what I also sometimes wonder when I assess another person is: am I really seeing them directly, or am I merely projecting a point of myself onto them – or both?

I see this same point is prevalent in my own life where, whenever I am faced with a new task or challenge, something where I have to move myself – all of a sudden my movement no longer is as fluid and I kind of stop in my tracks, it is like a form of anxiety where all of a sudden I am faced with this looming burden, the burden of hard work. Much of this is based in past experiences where, due to not having proper training, support or understanding, the experience of work was an extremely difficult struggle, and this is what I accepted as the reality of working, unfortunately.

So when this happens, where I am faced with a new task which doesn’t come naturally or easily, like for example doing school work: what I will tend to do is react the information of ‘doing work/school work/I have to get this done/I have to do a good job’ – all kinds of connotations to ‘doing work’ start to come up based on my fears based on my past experiences and before I know it all kinds of thoughts on the point have come up and I react to those thoughts. By trusting these thoughts as the mind, I will have tendency to go further into the mind as fear, looking there for answers/solutions. Now since the mind functions in positive and negative, I will always polarize myself into either one experience or the other. The positive polarity will be where I may have this experience of fear and being overwhelmed but I will ‘muster up the courage’ and ‘fight hard’, or as we say in Canada, “just give’er”. The other polarity is that I will just say ‘fuck this’ and do something else – because of course I don’t want the stressful experience, and what I know of ‘working’ from my past experiences, where I utilized the positive polarity, is that I had to ‘fight hard’, to try hard’, to ‘be prepared for a struggle, a battle’. I know this is why I have given up on myself so many times in life, is because I was just tired of battling, of struggling, and never even conceived that there could be another way.

So this point was raised in with regards to what practical solutions can be utilized when I am faced with doing work and I go into this mental experience. Regardless of what polarity I end up going with, there is a tendency to always stop and think before actually doing the work. I just stop and think about doing it, rather than doing it. I battle with myself within my mind ‘can I do this? Can I not? The positive me is struggling against the negative me and it is an exhausting internal battle – and then if the positive side wins, I will eventually get down to doing the work, but it is interesting how I work when I am in this state. I go into this kind of ‘mode’ where I am ‘over-focused’, as I have called it before, it is like I am so stimulated, so worked up, so focused that I actually can not focus, even though it kind of feels like I am really focused. It is fascinating. It is like a form of anxiety where you have this heightened sense of awareness – but that heightened sense of awareness is rather a form of heightened consciousness – or is that self-consciousness? Within this state, my ability to actually take in information effectively is significantly diminished, as opposed to being in a relaxed state where such tasks become much easier and information is absorbed much more naturally/directly.

What is interesting with my experience, along with so many other experiences that I have sen in the lives of others, is that we all tend to internalize and become the things that we struggled through and endured in our lifetimes. And this is what I did. I internalized ‘big brother’ – the authority figure of the teacher, the principal, the parent – whoever. What I experienced of them, what it was about this experience that I despised, of being forced, of being directed by people who don’t really give a shit, of being essentially policed by teachers to follow their orders within the fear of consequences if I didn’t – I internalized all of these experiences into a ‘big brother’ entity in my head that polices me, where I bully myself and experience (through this voice in my head) the essence of the experience I had in school.

So what I am working on is stopping the experience where, when I am faced with this moment of “ok, time to work now” I stop and go into the experience of thinking/anxiety/fear/questioning myself/looking for ways to do it/looking for ways to get out. What is difficult is that I don’t always see myself when I am stuck in this experience. When I do, it can be as simple as stopping the thoughts, taking a deep breath, and simply moving myself – but that takes practice until it become more natural and the experience of resistance goes away, I’m finding. It is important to identify what exactly are the experiences/feelings/thoughts that I am experiencing so that I can understand them, forgive them and thus see them in the moment when they pop up, so I can stop them effectively. If I can’t see it, I can’t stop it. Aside from writing out the thoughts as they pop up in the moment, there are a few points that I am ware of that keep me from moving myself: “can I do this?” “this looks difficult” “I don’t want to do this, it’s boring, it’s not interesting” “what is the point?” “is this worth the effort?” “this is going to be difficult” “this is not going to be fun” “I have no idea what I’m doing” I’m too tired for this” I can do this later” “I’m going to do this! And it is going to be like this and this and this!” (these last 2 examples demonstrate the negative and positive polarity perspectives of the mind that I have mentioned previously.

Day 243: The joy of work

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Today, before writing my blog, I got that feeling again like have nothing to write. This is partly because I have been doing work all day – from the moment I woke up to now, I have been busy with both school work and job work, and because I have been so busy, I haven’t ben having many experiences and thus not many as many reactions/thoughts or accumulated energy as I might on a normal day. Then I realized, this is then the point to blog about.

Because earlier tonight I noticed a particular thing: as much as I tend to think, believe, say and complain that I hate working and doing school work and even justify such things with beliefs/knowledge – I actually enjoy working. I enjoy who I am within working, and how I experience myself after a hard days work. I am happier when I work. He thing is, this enjoyment is not an energetic experience as I’m used to defining my enjoyment – it is a physical experience, of living, applying myself, applying my gifts and talents, and expanding the person I am. It is participating in things that I have no energetic attachment to, that I have not developed a dependency on. It is in doing these things that I actually step out of my daily habits/participations and expand myself. There is a noticeable difference between the end of a day like today, and the end of a day where I am racing around, moving from one habit/pattern/addiction to the next – they are the kind of days where I am exhausted at the end of the day and yet I am so mentally stimulated that I can’t sleep. Perhaps it is fitting; that I have simply not earned that good nights rest. I even notice the degree to which I am less concerned and worried about pointless, trivial shit that normally occupies my mind as thoughts.

I would like to work with this degree of discipline, commitment and resolve everyday. It has always been a nice ideal of mine. I always sort of wanted to, at the very least, learn how to be like that in my old age, using the idea/excuse that by this time, I will be ‘past’ my young stupid years and will be ready to give up interests associated with youth and become like a wise, well read quiet old person. This is just a pipe dream, and even if it were true; why wait for this ind of ideal to be realized?

The truth is that I am able to live with this kind of steadfastness in self-application and really live/work to my full potential, if I allow myself to give myself the discipline to do so. I am able to do this without making a ‘thing’ out of it, like turning it into the kind of aforementioned dream/ideal. All it takes is self honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hard work is the key to contentment and fulfillment, and serves as an effective way to stop and get out of the mind which drives me to follow old habits/patterns/addictions

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to push myself in every moment that I am faced with choice/challenge, to work hard and apply myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live to my full potential and apply myself in hard work by using the excuse/justification/idea of having ‘free time’ and thus believing that I can just ‘relax’ and that this ‘relaxation’ will apparently make me better – when in fact this is only a temporary, illusory feeling/escape

I commit myself to realize the real value of hard work through a physically lived realization and exploration of myself, applying myself in every opportunity that I have to do work

I commit myself to push myself to engage in hard work until the behavior becomes natural and automated as common sense

I commit myself to stop the belief that there is ‘nothing to do’ or something better to do, and rather be proactive in looking for ways in which I can apply myself in living by working hard, as there is always hard work that needs to be done and I see, realize and understand this point that every moment is an invaluable opportunity to do hard work and really live

Day 242: Supporting the physical body with rest

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This process has been about understanding the mind so that we can change who we are as human beings, to stop the abuse that we are accepting and allowing to be done unto ourselves and this world. It is about stopping illusions of self/reality so that we can actually learn what it means to honor life.

Well, I have been quite exhausted lately, and while I have been working hard, there is always a certain amount of anxiety that is associated with my work as an underlying fear, as the driving force to survive. It is this fear of survival that ironically drives me to exhaustion, to a point where I am too hard on the body and simply do not give it the support it needs, and have a tendency to push the capacity of the body to its limits. Part of this is the way in which I will tend to polarize work and play, where work becomes this stressful activity, and play becomes this illusionary escape from that stress, so rather than moving the body within a point of consistency, it is like I am slamming on the accelerator of a car, then slamming on the breaks, then on the accelerator again, then on the breaks again……

 

Recently I have not taken the time to get a good, long nights sleep, knowing that I have needed it. It has actually gotten to the point today where I can not even do my work due to the tiredness. The fear is that I have too much work to do and thus I fear it not getting done, or not getting done as well as i’d like it to. And yet, what is the point of completing this work or doing it well, if it is at the expense of the physical body that gives me the ability to live and do work in the first place? That is like the same way we sacrifice the earth and nature for the economy, with fear and survival as the driving force.

So, tonight I’m going to sleep early.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to work myself to the point of exhaustion, within the context of fear of survival, not realizing within this the importance of supporting the body, and that it is asinine to place value on things such as school/grades over my physical body, and that one should never have to come at the expense of the other

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive school to be a stressful experience wherein I must push my body to the limits, which only then drives me to the other extreme of wanting to escape and ‘relax’, starting a cycle of stop and go, losing consistency – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fuel the perceived stressful experience of school by trying to escape and do pointless activities that only stimulate my mind and do not support the body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place experiences above reality – as for instance wanting the perfect grade or wanting to just ‘chill out’ and do nothing/pointless activities to escape from standing within consistency and stability in applying myself in my school work

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not push my body to the point of exhaustion, and if I do not make school a stressful experience, I will apparently not do well – as the repetition of past patterns wherein I believed that this was what my experience/participation in school should be

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to se, understand and realize that it is the neglect of the physical body and the stressful experience of living within fears and chasing addictions that makes school so difficult, and thus by participating in these points, I am in fact creating this experience of school and myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that pursuing goals and that which I define/believe/perceive as positive and desire, is useless if I do not honor and take care of the physical body first 

I commit myself to sleep and take practical care of the body and make supporting the body a priority above all other things, to stop sacrificing the physical body in the name of fear and desire, no matter how great the fear is that I must do otherwise and sacrifice my body 

I commit myself to prioritize supporting the physical body above pursuing mental addictions

I commit myself to stop sacrificing my body in the name of addictions and fears, be they positive or negative

 

Day 220: Living in survival mode

Throughout all of my life it has been communicated to me in almost every form possible that life is all about survival, as opposed to actually living and expressing myself. However for this blog I’m looking at a particular period in my life that kind of finalized/engrained fully this mentality within me.

When I was about 22 years old, after numerous failed attempts at having successful jobs or academic pursuits, along with several failed relationships that has been central to my life, I was given an opportunity by a family member to work a job. Because the family member had assisted me, and I was comfortable, treated with some respect and paid a semi-decent wage, I really took well to the job and for the first time, found some peace in the workplace. It was the only anchor of stability in my life at this time, and this lasted maybe for about 8 months. Then the business was sold and I lost my job.

I was assisted by the family member who did provide me with cheap living accommodations, but given that the job was the only point of stability I had, my life took a real turn for the worse. I had no job, no money, no future prospects, I was addicted to drugs, and still had all kinds of messed up relationships in my life. Hell, the place I had moved to was a poor neighborhood so I even began to identify with this as being my reality. I have not taken into full consideration the impact that this experience had on me in terms of how I had come to accept that “well, this is it, you’re an adult now, welcome to life, it is going to be really shitty” – this was now how I based myself and projected my future, based on an idea of life where failure and hardship is the way it was going to be. That resources were always scarce, so I should obsess over money. That life was shit, so I should just escape and do lots of drugs. That every relationship I had ever known was fucked therefore ‘fuck-relationships!’ That I had no skills or education therefore I am useless and have no opportunities. That I could never expect that anyone would ever come and assist and support me because if that was the way the world worked, I wouldn’t have been in the mess I was in.

Basically, I got a tiny glimpse at what most people in this world are currently enduring at this very moment you read this. It was fortunate in that it was a real experience that allowed forced me to consider others and reality more, and completely destroyed any disillusions of positivity that I could spin on my reality. However, again, the problem is that I have not up until this point faced the full impact that this experience had on me, and is still currently having on me today.

The fact is that while I may have been ‘hard done by’ as I may want to believe I have – so too did I do harm to others in my life and so too did I not stand up for myself/life when harm was being done. I accepted it. I copied it. I internalized it. I became it.

What I am now currently busy with is stopping the tendencies/habits/patterns that I had developed from y life experience – to isolate myself, to want to run away, to want to delude myself with happy feelings or drugs, to hate everything and everyone, to blame everything and everyone, to feel like I have no value, to feel like I’m worthless, to feel like I’m inferior to everyone, to feel that I must fear others, to fear that I must be spiteful towards others, to think that everyone is against me and everyone is my enemy.

I will be continuing with self forgiveness statements in the next blog.