Tag Archives: self dishonesty

Day 336: Relationships and Conspiracy

 

A while a go I remember watching a documentary by Adam Curtis called ‘The Trap’. It showed how through social engineering humans were being unwittingly influenced to essentially be completely selfish in their motives, conspiring against their fellow man in pursuit of personal gain, and live a life of complete paranoia and distrust of their fellow man within the assumption that their fellow man was living in the exact same way.

 

Now, this isn’t exactly news to me and I’m sure it isn’t news for many people, however it does hold value in substantiating and showing/documenting the way in which we as human beings live and the fact that this this of behavior is engineered, encouraged, promoted by special interest groups who study human beings like lab rats (often using actual lab rats to figure study our behavior patterns), of which the general public is not aware that this is taking place.

 

I mentioned in my last blog how the influence of our societal systems/norms has on relationships, where our relationship pursuits are contextualized by this mentality of seeking personal gain, even at the expense of others, where the people in our lives become commodities, assets to the personal empires we build to ourselves. Well, today a train of thought arose in my mind, where I was considering ‘worst case scenarios’ of my relationship, the fear of it ending and me being at some form of loss and within this, waging how I could come out of it best – basically, in a situation of conflict and deterioration of the relationship, who would ‘come out on top’. I found myself immediately considering each others status within the context of ‘who needed each other more’ and thus, if it ended, ‘who would be losing out more’, and within this, waging that I had the upper hand, having more wealth, status, being a male, coming from a more privileged country, etc. This entire train of thought happened so quickly, I mean I am really just mentioning all the information in a nutshell here, and yet all of this information and the considerations thereof happened in just a moment of thought. That is how dangerous our minds as the automation of brainwashing/conditioning that does not serve us can be. If I had not dealt with it in any way, who knows the consequences that such thoughts may have on my life…it is insanity, nothing less.

 

Through Desteni I have learned the importance of abandoning self interest and the fear of loss, the fear of my demise, through embracing all life as myself as one and equal. Yes, there is a lot of conditioning/brainwashing to behave otherwise and so learning to live this way is a lengthy process that takes hard work and serious commitment. But through establishing this base principle as a directive living principle, I have enabled myself to be able to – in moments such as this – abandon the fear of loss and embrace others as myself, retaining as my starting point the approach of always trying to find a solution that would be best for all, that considers others as equal and one to myself and thus to give to others as I would like to receive as the solution, to give to all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base relationships and the desire to have a relationship in self interest and the pursuit of survival and personal fulfillment wherein I only consider myself as the one to be fulfilled, as such a consideration can only exist within a point of being brainwashed to fear loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value myself and my partner in terms of their appeal as commodities, within the ideal of what would be a ‘valuable’ partner as such values of a person pertain to survival and may increase the chances/likelihood of survival based on their attributes, skills and status and how society values such points and thus how valuable the would be in the eyes of the system and how this would benefit me

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing such a ‘commodity’ as a partner, not realizing that I would not be losing anything but an accessory to my fear of survival

 

And within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play psychological games with myself/with my partner where we compete over who is more valuable and who needs each other more, rather than establishing a relationship of trust based within the principles of mutual consideration as equals as what is best for all, allowing myself to let go of the fear of what I experience as feeling ‘vulnerable’ because I am no longer competing to assert my value and worth within the pursuit and fear of survival in the system – but by embracing what the mind experience as being ‘vulnerable’ I am in fact allowing myself to be stronger than ever by letting go of the fear of loss and fear of others, through stopping the mind as ego and embracing others as myself in giving equal value and consideration to others

 

I compete myself to ensure that my relationship is not a competition, and that all of my relationships with people/interactions are not influence and compromised by this underlying fear of others as the desire to compete as I commit myself to embrace others as myself and always do that which is best for all in giving equal value and consideration to others as myself

 

When and as I see myself entering the fear of loss – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how relationships have become a point of self interest and commodification/control/possession over others, and thus I do not participate in this fear as it arises in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to stop the desire to have other people in my life to serve as commodities to my ego and status wherein I look to associate with others who I see and judge as having value within the eyes of the system – thus I commit myself to judging people based on their value in the eyes of the system as their attributes, skills and status

 

I commit myself to stand as who I am, here as breath in self honesty, despite the fear of loss and in the face of such fears, no matter how intense the energetic experience of fear may be, rather than to instead try and gauge ‘what my chances are to win the game’ or ‘come out on top’ and to try and search for confidence and the ability to direct myself/make choices within evaluating myself and my own worth based on my value/worth in the eyes of the system/as determined by the world system/society – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for self value and confidence to act/direct myself/control my world only based on self definition as mind, and thus I commit myself to embrace the only real value that I have – the value of self as life as breath, here as a physical being with the brief opportunity I have been given to live and realize what life is

 

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Day 321: Desiring intimacy within a relationship

Here I am looking at the point of how I have defined the word ‘intimacy’ as something outside of myself, separate from myself. When I look at the word intimacy, I can see how I have defined this within having a relationship – preferably with my ‘ideal’ relationship partner, which is another point I have written about extensively in previous blog posts. So, I have defined intimacy as something that exists within a relationship, separating myself from intimacy and placing it within a relationship, so that apparently the experience of intimacy is only possible within a relationship. Within the relationship, intimacy is further defined as a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, sex, and ‘deep’ conversations, which is another way of saying conversations that are emotionally charged, usually with the energy of fear.

A long time ago I read a really insightful article on what intimacy really is, with regards to self intimacy – you can check out the article here: http://desteni.org/a/winged-exploring-self-intimacy – this article really opened my eyes to the fact that I have neglected myself, I have avoided self reflection and really facing who I am and what I’ve become, extensively, while in pursuit of love, relationships, and all kinds of ‘higher’ energetic experiences – living a life where I am always looking for the next high because within myself I am ’empty’ in a kind of way, because by not being intimate with myself, I had abandoned myself, and thus was this insatiable appetite for energetic highs through experiences was created, which I then searched out in romantic relationships.

Thus now it is time do bring myself back to myself, to again become intimate with myself in self honesty, facing who I am and what I have become as a living principle of doing what is best for all life, as from this starting point, I can direct myself in a way that is effective in taking all life into consideration, so that my life is not wasted in a bubble of exclusion, but is rather based on the intimate understanding that all life is one and equal, and thus who I am and how I live should be oriented as such.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself with relationships – focusing on my relationship and my partner so that I am not self directive and focused on myself, and giving my attention and concern to my partner and the survival of the relationship, rather than to first be intimate with myself and focus on myself and that what I am living and who I am is that which is best for all life. Thus I commit myself to bring myself back here through breathing, and to focus myself on myself by utilizing tools like breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application – when and as I see myself being prompted to participate in my tendency to look to others/my partner as a way of essentially taking attention away from myself and distracting myself from my only real ‘power’ as an ability to have any real effect in my living and changing this world to a place that is best for all, I stop, and I breathe, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and rather breathe through the fear that drives me to focus on my partner that is justified as the fear of losing the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as something that exists separate from myself, that can only be achieved and experienced through romantic relationships with a beautiful woman, and that I have further defined intimacy within a relationship as touching, kissing, hugging and sex – not seeing and realizing that intimacy is here – it starts with me, alone with myself, being intimate with myself in getting to know myself and standing as life within/principles that consider and are best for all life – thus I commit myself to redefine and live the word ‘intimacy’ as starting with myself, being honest with myself, directing myself, and living a life that takes my self as life/all life into consideration as equal and one, and thus I commit myself to stop the desire to experience intimacy as something separate from myself as sex and sexual touching within a relationship and rather insist that intimacy be expressed from a starting point of self honesty: as self intimacy, equal and one to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as having ‘deep conversations’ with my partner that are emotionally charged, and that I have allowed myself to yearn for this experience/try and create it where I have not first been intimate and honest with myself – thus I commit myself to stop trying to ‘create an experience of intimacy in my relationship as having deep conversations with my partner as a form of trying to control the relationship from a starting point of trying to maintain the survival of the relationship, and rather I begin with self intimacy as self honesty, as the point from which all other self expression as intimacy may emerge, without the fear of losing control of my relationship as the attempt of the mind to try and continue to maintain control by keeping the definition of intimacy as something separate from self within/as a relationship – when/as I see this desire to have an experience of intimacy as deep conversation arise within me, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is the mind trying to control me through maintaining intimacy as something defined separate from self within a relationship, as the mind is extremely tricky in presenting projections of intimacy that appear real and fulfilling – and thus I remain here as breath and do not participate when such desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as creating some kind of experience with my partner wherein we feel like there is a ‘connection’ between us because we have stimulated each other sufficiently into feeling good through having positive thoughts about ourselves, the other and the relationship as such experiences are in alignment with a symbolism of intimacy and love that has been imprinted in my mind through my mind and society – thus I commit myself to no longer define intimacy as purely creating positive experiences with others such as sex or other things that stimulate happy thoughts/feelings, as this can be tricky as it is only giving the mind energy and an experience of happiness but is not necessarily real, as countless relationship experiences have shown me that started out positive this way but ended up negative because once the energy ran out and we were no longer able to stimulate each other through separation (as we had come to know each other better and begin to see that in fact we are not so different and that real ‘love’ is not so elusive and thus exciting) then all of a sudden intimacy and love ceased to exist – thus when and as I see myself desiring to create a positive experience with my partner in some way where we can connect and be stimulated together sufficiently – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire only exists in the pursuit of keeping a relationship alive that is based in separation – and thus I do not participate in this desire of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather commit myself to remain here as breath and act in self honesty as breath in the physical, without fear of loss as the desire for a relationship directing me

Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

Day 284: Focusing on other people

This post is just a few self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of desiring an experience of comfort/escape/security through not being alone, and being in contact with others, focusing on others. The problem with this is that if the living of others can make you feel these positive feelings, then the living of others can also influence me negatively, if there is for instance something about their living which I can not accept because I see it as a problem. So it is fascinating how through the desire for an experience of comfort and security, we end up creating the opposite experience of uneasiness and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time within the belief/justification that “I am tired” or “I need a break” – as I realize how deceptive the mind is in getting oneself to believe that it is necessary to stop and stagnate and not initiate self movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my process is dependent on the process of others – and within this, fearing the fact that others are not actively engaging in process, and fearing having to engage them eventually inevitably when there may be some kind of disagreement or perceived differences – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear is in fact just a fear of myself not being directive enough to be as effective as possible in my process, and that I am only projecting myself as this fear and thus the solution is to stop all fear/judgment/projection of others and simply move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process – as all things – is always experienced alone, by oneself alone – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can run away and escape by utilizing others as a way of generating energy and having some kind of higher experience of myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the key to life and enjoying myself and security and being happy, is being around/with others and being in agreement with others in all things, that I have allowed myself to believe that another can save me or make me happy

I commit myself to direct myself effectively here as breath in moments where I desire to stagnate and do what is not practical within the justification/belief that I must rest or I have ‘free time’

I commit myself to, when and and as I see myself projecting myself onto others – to stop, breathe and direct myself to simply STOP and note the point immediately so I can bring it back to myself and my own life, when I have a moment to write about it – as I see, realize and understand that all concerns/judgments of this nature are always about self, and about the fear of others which is in fact the fear of how I am existing and that the desire to worry about others and focus on them is another trick of the mind to not have me direct myself and look at myself

I commit myself to direct myself as what is necessary to be done in my process in focusing on me and doing what I must do to support and direct myself, and to stop the fear of others misunderstanding/reacting badly to this

I commit myself to focus on me here in sorting myself out, and to no longer use others as some kind of ‘nice feeling safety net’ where I can escape through being with others and focusing on others, or even believing that I am sharing my process with others – that is again how tricky my mind is

 

Day 201: Relationship sabotage and porn: establishing a new self based on principles

Love_system

I have written in recent previous posts about how I have – for as long as I can remember – tried to make something ‘more’ out of my experiences within relationship, some kind of ‘larger than life experience’ in my interactions and sexual activity with my relationship partner. I noticed this in the last time that my partner visited where I was actually taking memories from my past and super-imposing them onto my present moment in order to have this kind of higher experience. I’m sure it is a very common experiences within relationships, and that is why it tends to always be the men and women that can present the greatest illusion of excitement as something ‘larger than life’ to their prospective partners that tend to get the most ‘action’ – but the problem here is obviously that it is all just based on image projection as nothing can in fact be ‘larger than life’ – life is life and is all inclusive and thus no part of life can be ‘higher than’ life itself.

It is no wonder why so many of my past relationships – and so many relationships of so many people – have all gone through the same pattern of ‘starting off high’, on an energy high as the two partners are excited about their ‘larger than life’ ideas that they have of each other in their own minds, and then eventually the ideas fade as reality sets in and the idea gets harder and harder to maintain as the energy used to feed the idea/relationship runs out, and eventually it all turns sour and the relationships end. I don’t want to repeat this pattern, I am tired of this kind of bullshit and heartache.

It is also no wonder that the same thing happens with sexuality as sexuality is really part of the whole relationship experience, where it starts off with excitement but as it continues, it takes higher and higher levels of energy and excitement to satisfy this energy high, and therefore for higher levels of excitement, higher levels of stimulus are required. Through a bit of recent study I have been seeing (to an even greater extent than I have in the past) the influence that porn has and the role it plays in this ‘upping the ante’ of sexual stimulus, as I have seen the same progression in my own life, where when I was younger I would be aroused/stimulated by relatively tame sexual images/acts, and over the years that progressed to more intense sexual images/acts, where the more tame stuff no longer satisfies.

This has also given me an insight as to why something like erectile dysfunction becomes so common in men because this ‘upping the ante’ of sexual stimulus/content is a constant progression, even if the progression is slow and in very small increments, one will ALWAYS need to step up the level – it is simply the nature of the relationship to sex and sexuality as something that exist within the mind which is experienced as energy which is stimulated and produced in the mind through images and other sensory triggers. As long as the mind requires new and higher levels to stimulate itself and thus the body into arousal – as one has already developed a relationship system where the bodies arousal is dependent on sexuality constructs within the mind – then the same old thing won’t cut it anymore, like for instance if you continue having sex in the same way, or with the same partner.

The fact is that due to how my relationships have been compromised by fear, the fear of loss and the subsequent and ever increasing desire for ‘something more’ – I have never in fact had a real relationship and if this continues and is not corrected, I will never have a real relationship, and more so I will never be real and live/experience life for real.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the fear of loss, believe that I must continue within the same relationship patterns of behavior as I have in the past, believing and fearing that if I do not, I will not have a partner or a successful relationship – when in fact the reverse is true – that it is my old belief about relationships, how they should be and how I should behave, that has destroyed all of my past relationships and will sabotage future relationships if I continue, as they are all based in fear and thus the desire for a ‘higher experience/someone special’ – thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I continue with the same patterns, then all of my relationships will be doomed and that the only possible way to have successful relationships is to base them on a self that is in fact living the principles of oneness and equality as what is best for all, a self without fear or fear of loss – here I do not allow myself to be compromised by the possibility or event of losing a relationship as any relationship lost due to myself living principles that is best for all as oneness and equality – were never real in the first place and thus I embrace the benefit of losing an illusion to embrace life

I commit myself to stop the mockery that has been created as my relationships with others that are based in fear and fear of loss as the ever increasing quest for stimulus as an experience of something higher/something more and to stop these unsustainable relationships/unsustainable ways of interacting within relationships as this desire for an energetic experience, and to stand within and as breath as the physical in self honesty, devoid of all memories that may influence my standing as a real physical being, as the principles of oneness and equality as that which is best for all life

Day 198: Stopping desire as the sustenance of the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into those moments where I fear losing a point and will act to preserve a point of dependency/addiction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear applying myself in process/resist applying myself in process because I fear to lose something, that I have not allowed myself to continue to apply myself and learn, not considering that the only way the desires will stop is if I do continue to apply myself and learn – thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that as long as I fear applying myself, I will always remained trapped in my own self dishonesty’s and will never understand what life really is as I never allowed myself to let go of that which holds me back from seeing and understanding

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the problem that is my limitation as my desires and the solution that is to apply myself in process and study – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself in believing that there is not enough time to apply myself in process, not realizing that time is created, I create time and thus having enough time is a matter of being self honest and applying myself, that this is not just my main priority, but my only real priority

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is much, much more to life, myself and others than desire

I forgive myself that I’ve never actually allowed myself to meet, experience and enjoy those who I have only ever seen as being here to help serve and fulfill my desires

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give priority to my process in every moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough time for process or other things, and to resist keeping myself as busy as possible with that which supports me because I am keeping a backdoor to have time available to fall, to fuck around and keep giving into pointless desires

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ensure that my process is specific in doing exactly what is necessary/relevant as that which will support me to bring about a real change in myself as what is best for all life, and that I have not realize that if I am not specifying my process this way but rather just fulfilling an obligation of what I feel is ‘right’, then I am in fact just justifying my abuse/self deception and wasting my time/life on earth

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to face/consider the truth of the enslavement that everything in this world that is pre-programmed actually represents, right down to my very name which was branded on me and thus the self deception and foolishness of taking pride/attaching value to my name/how others recognize my name as my point of ego

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the extent to which my ego as consciousness/thought/backchat has enslaved me as the way to feed my ego as the idea of me and keep it alive and thus that I have not done everything in my power in every moment where I have free choice to get out

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to realize that in every moment of facing a desire/addiction, I am facing the decision as to whether or not to keep the ego/my enslavement alive, or not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that thoughts and backchat are in essence the desire of the ego as that which the mind seeks to create as real to keep the illusion of itself alive, and that thoughts and backchat indicate where I am ‘less than’/inferior as the mind and thus consequentially a desire for fulfillment/validation will be created

I commit myself to stop self enslavement in all its forms as desire as feeding my mind energy and to do everything in every possible moment where I have free choice to stop desire and stop feeding the ego/participation in the mind as thoughts./backchat/desire

I commit myself to stop the ego through stopping thoughts/backchat/through stopping desire, as the living application of understanding/applying what I have learned about the mind, how it functions and thus how to free myself from it

I commit myself to stop taking pride in/desiring that which enslaves me and keeps me trapped in cycles of time – I commit myself to embracing every new moment and that which it brings/the opportunity I have within it, when and as I let go of the repetition/living in the past of giving into desires

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that desire is memory based – and thus I commit myself to investigate where exactly desires where formed within me as certain memories/events