Tag Archives: desire

Day 339: Childhood memories influencing my relationship

 

Recently, through working on a mind construct on relationships, I have been looking at and working through through several past memories of relationship experiences and how they have influenced who I am today and how I am living the experience/word of ‘relationship’. As I work with these memories, other memories have been coming up of even earlier childhood experiences that also played into what I ultimately experience/live as my relationships.

 

I see that a great deal of my pursuing relationships and, frankly obsessing over them, was based in experiences as a child where I felt I needed others to take care of me but did not get the proper care/attention that I required. Whether or not I truly needed this care that I felt I did not get is still unclear to me, as I was at a young age where I was vulnerable and couldn’t do certain things for myself, other than perhaps express effectively that I required support – perhaps I did this but still did not get the support I required, hence the urgency and obsession that later developed as my need for fulfillment through a relationship. But this does not change the fact that currently I am an adult and am fully capable of supporting myself in whatever it is that I require, even if this sometimes involves participation with others.

 

And within this obsession/being stuck in past memories wherein I believe that I require the help of another, my tendency has been to utilize relationships from such a starting point, and the major problem here is that this then keeps/prevents me from effectively supporting myself, as I often notice that my relationship can be a distraction from myself/my process and focusing on what really matters – who I am and directing myself to support myself effectively so that I do not need/experience the feeling that I require another to be fulfilled.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a relationship can save me, that I need and require a relationship and for my partner to give certain things such as love, attention, affection and consideration for me and within this, that I have used this point of belief as a way of not focusing on myself and giving to myself that which I require as self support, in self directiveness and self responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give attention to my relationship and put work into my relationship wherein it is from the starting point of making another like me and care for me and be obsessed with me so that I can have them conform to this point of servitude within the belief that I need and require them to be fulfilled

 

When and as I see myself obsessing over my relationship/partner, putting energy, attention and effort into it within the belief that I need a relationship/need a partner to love and obsess over me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a belief that I created from childhood experiences where I felt that I went without sufficient support, attention and consideration, and thus believed that I require to find another and convince them/control/manipulate them or give them sufficient attention in order to ensure that they give me the support/consideration that I believe I require from them – thus I remain here as breath, releasing myself from these memories and the belief that I require another to take care of me, and do not participate in such desires to control another/be fulfilled by another, as these desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to obsess over give attention to, control and have power over another

 

I commit myself to ‘be here for myself’ within awareness as breath, no longer accepting/believing that I am ‘not enough’ for myself and that I require another to fulfill me as I see, realize and understand that I can never be fulfilled by another, that this is an illusion of the mind and that the feelings thereof will never last or fulfill me

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Day 338: The Freedom of giving up

https://i0.wp.com/www.freedom-connection.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Giving-Up-w-400.jpg

 

I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.

 

The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.

 

But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.

 

From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.

 

So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.

 

Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.

 

The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

Day 335: Are we creators, or consumerist clones?

 

From an early age observed other kids in my neighborhood and how every single other kid seemed to have more than I did. When I am self honest and I really look back at some of my long-forgotten childhood memories I see that there were instances where I observed how those who had more seemed to be ‘better off’ somehow, like they were more successful somehow, had more fun, even behaved as if they were superior to me somehow – and then there were the television commercials that presented the stuff that they had (at this age it was mostly toys) as being the most amazing things – so I really had this sense of missing out on something and that I needed to get that which I did not have.

 

We all seem to go through this basic point through varying extents because to a degree, the amount of wealth we are born into does have a significant impact on the overall quality of our lives and the experience of ourselves, at least within the context of the socioeconomic climate that we live in of competition and hierarchy.

 

A common result of this is the “the grass is greener on the other side” syndrome – where what we believe we desire doesn’t so much have anything to do with the thing itself, but more so with the underlying status of it, and the fact that it is in the hands of another and not ourselves. We tend to want what others have.

 

The reason I am bringing this point up is that – if you have read some of my past blogs posts, you’ll see that I’ve written quite extensively on relationships – and my interest is how this underlying psychological condition of ‘wanting what we don’t have’ plays a significant role in how relationships so often end up being about having control over another.

 

In our world, everything has become commodified – from nature to people to animals – we are so deluded by ‘the way of the world’ of competition and the desire to be dominant and have power and control, that virtually everything that is a part of our life becomes an acquisition in the pursuit of the personal empires we build for ourselves. I was completely unaware of this point within myself until another pointed it out for me – how I had the idea of what ‘a perfect life’ would be in my mind, as I observed in my reality what it mean to be ‘successful’ – the perfect house, car, wife, family, toys – possessions – we tend to not see this about ourselves and how we live because we become possessed by our possessions and the pursuit thereof – that’s why it is called brainwashing, because you don’t know you’re brainwashed (usually until reality gives you a hard smack in the face, if you don’t take it upon yourself proactively to investigate yourself).

 

My interest at this point is how this point of ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ and desiring humans as commodities for relationships fuels the so-called ‘physical attraction’ between men and women. Each gender has what the other does not. And if the attraction is homosexual rather than heterosexual, the point is still that one is desiring access to something that another has.

 

I have not investigated this point in depth, but to ignore the way in which we are socialized and it’s influence on the way we think, feel and experience ourselves, towards ourselves and others, would be foolish. We may not understand how, we may not yet know why, and so this directly indicates that there is ‘more than meets the eye’ in terms of the underlying reason for why we are the ways that we are. After all, we are only actually aware of about %10 of our minds as the conscious mind. Most of us, if asked the question why we like what we like tend to answer “because I like it” – this is called circular logic, something we tend to attribute to those who subscribe to something religiously. Are our likes, desires and preferences our religions? Has the desire to acquire possessions and consume our way to happiness not become a way of life on earth?

 

Letting go of desire is liberating to the nth degree, but as I have found, is not always so simple as the programming/conditioning of our culture/society exist at mostly a subconscious level – but what is possible is to make a commitment to work towards understanding ourselves sufficiently to be able to let go, and to make the commitment to ourselves to be ready to let go – we will lose everything anyways – and if there is any real ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ why we are here on earth it is to show us that – that the fear of loss and subsequent desire to feel ‘alive’ through consuming, acquiring possessions and building monuments/legacies to ourselves is the greatest con we have ever convinced ourselves of, the greatest cosmic joke we have played on ourselves. What we perceive as ‘losing everything’ – that which we feat most – is giving up nothing for everything because we give up a lie to be able to embrace the truth: that there is nothing to gain: and within that, there is nothing to lose.

 

We can continue to believe that the systems of win and loss that we have indoctrinated ourselves with are real, or we can stop playing games with ourselves, grow up and take self responsibility in realizing that we are the source of it all to begin with, that there is no religion – theological, consumerist or otherwise – there is only us, and that which we experience of ourselves in this reality is only ever based on that which we create and give to ourselves. This truth of creation applies to absolutely ever facet and level of our lives and our selves. To see where we have abdicated and given away this power of ourselves is the journey to understanding what it means to create.

Day 332: Self projection – reacting towards others

 

During the last 10 months I have been in a relationship, and for most of that time, it has been a long distance relationship. If anyone has done this, or even if not, I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is. Complete trust is already a very difficult thing for most people to establish their relationships, so doing it when you actually have no idea what the other person is doing makes it extra challenging. Although I do know enough to know that a relationship should not be about controlling another – that I should rather first focus on myself in establishing self trust, as that is the real point of importance – this knowledge has not always made the experience easier. There have still been plenty of fears and reactions on my part – this knowledge of the importance of focusing on myself first, and that my fears as my thoughts/reactions about are not to be trusted, has mainly just stopped me from making major decisions based on my reactions, which I am grateful for. I am grateful that I did not allow myself to make a rash decision to end the relationship out of a fear or emotional reaction.

 

Now, being back with my partner for a couple months, I can see just how much of my reactions were simply not real, they were just me reacting. It is fascinating how our reactions to others, how we see them, what we believe of them, what we think is going on with them, has absolutely nothing to do with them, it is just ourselves projecting our shit onto them. It seems that this has just become so habitual that we tend to not see it, we live in a total culture of blame, where our desire to control our reality and others is so engrained, where we have given this desire so much power, belief and validity, that it becomes automatic to see and judge others in our reality in a certain way, so that we can justify what we believe they apparently must be or do.

 

Look at how often there is someone or something in our lives that we become obsessed with that is apparently ‘the enemy’, that is apparently ‘wrong’, that apparently must change – this is a very clever deception of the mind because, sure, we know the world and other people are not perfect, so there is a good likelihood that there are problems that exist ‘out there’ outside of ourselves – but to place focus ‘out there’ outside of ourselves and become obsessive is actually the trap that ensnares us to ensure that we never have any effect in changing anything in our reality. I noticed this pattern for myself in my life, that there is always something to be obsessed with that is apparently ‘the problem in my life’, whether it is a person, thing, circumstance – whatever.

 

So this experience has taught me to not judge or assume that I know what is going on with another, and generally speaking, to not even put the focus/emphasis on another so much, but to rather realize that if I am reacting to another, then that another is just serving as a mirror to show me that it is in fact just me reacting, and that I must investigate myself and why I am reacting, that I must investigate the very point of why I am focusing on another so much in the very first place, when it is myself that requires the most attention from myself. We can only change ourselves and it is through the example we live through completely and unconditionally focusing on being honest with ourselves, forgiving ourselves and correcting ourselves, that we can make a difference in the lives of others.

Day 328: Culture of Ego

https://analphamalesjourneytolife.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/edfc2-femalefalseegosmall.jpg

 

Through utilizing the tool of self honesty as self introspection, I began to see that we live in a society where ego, selfishness and self interest is promoted extensively. It has become so pathological that within our interaction with others, we almost feel obliged to feed each others ego’s by finding ways to make others feel good about themselves. We observe and learn from a young age that: “If I can do something to produce this positive feeling within another person, then they will like me and favor me, I will be rewarded and recognized for this.”

 

People need to be reassured that they are special and that the identities they have created for themselves to survive by ‘being somebody in this world’ are in fact real and valid – people need validation. So we commend males on aspects of their masculinity, like for instance how we worship male athletes. We commend women on their femininity, that they are beautiful and pretty. We even try to commend children with over-exaggerated praise, as if they require the same validation that we as adults do.

 

The reason I am writing about this point is that I have seen this tendency in myself, but especially with regards to recognizing and complimenting female ‘beauty’ – appearances. But we all know how deceiving appearances can be. As aforementioned, the reason when tend to feed each others ego’s is because we believe we can somehow benefit from it, and in the case of a male recognizing the beauty of a female, the intent here is to feed their ego’s, which will hopefully reflect well on the male. Blinded by our own selfishness and desire, what we foolishly fail to realize is that we are partaking in a game of selfishness where everybody is secretly competing for their own self interest, their own personal success that does not regard the success of others equally.

 

Naively, I played the game and extensively fed the ego’s of some of the women that I lusted for – not realizing the true, twisted and evil nature of ego, not realizing the game I was playing and the danger I was placing myself in, by believing that I am partaking in something beautiful and wonderful, because maybe my desires were being met for a time, not realizing the ‘monsters’ within both of us that I was feeding. Ego, the larger it gets, can really take on some monstrous proportions, and that is why, once the veil of love and beauty is lifted because the tricks we use in playing this game no longer work and the energy runs out, things turn nasty and what was once a relationship of fake love turns into hate and war.

 

Of course this true nature of ego is hidden from the eyes, and the game is promoted so extensively as ‘normal’, and the feelings that we get from each other when we stimulate our egos is just so intoxicating , that this all can seem very innocent, far from what I have described above. Unfortunately, many who are intoxicated with these feelings or consumed by the shortsightedness of their own self interest will not consider what I am saying, to prevent calamity. Those who have gone through the consequences of participating in these games, and have the self respect to say ‘enough’, may consider and even relate to what is being shared here. Coming from a male who was raised to be obsessed with female beauty and conditioned to worship and pursue it, if it is possible for me to reconsider, then surely anyone can. Ego has become so ‘picture-based’ and ‘look-based’, that every single time we believe we are just recognizing a pretty picture, we should stop to realize and consider that we are actually recognizing and validating much more than just an image, but rather that we are supporting and validating the ‘image and likeness’ of ego.

Day 321: Desiring intimacy within a relationship

Here I am looking at the point of how I have defined the word ‘intimacy’ as something outside of myself, separate from myself. When I look at the word intimacy, I can see how I have defined this within having a relationship – preferably with my ‘ideal’ relationship partner, which is another point I have written about extensively in previous blog posts. So, I have defined intimacy as something that exists within a relationship, separating myself from intimacy and placing it within a relationship, so that apparently the experience of intimacy is only possible within a relationship. Within the relationship, intimacy is further defined as a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, sex, and ‘deep’ conversations, which is another way of saying conversations that are emotionally charged, usually with the energy of fear.

A long time ago I read a really insightful article on what intimacy really is, with regards to self intimacy – you can check out the article here: http://desteni.org/a/winged-exploring-self-intimacy – this article really opened my eyes to the fact that I have neglected myself, I have avoided self reflection and really facing who I am and what I’ve become, extensively, while in pursuit of love, relationships, and all kinds of ‘higher’ energetic experiences – living a life where I am always looking for the next high because within myself I am ’empty’ in a kind of way, because by not being intimate with myself, I had abandoned myself, and thus was this insatiable appetite for energetic highs through experiences was created, which I then searched out in romantic relationships.

Thus now it is time do bring myself back to myself, to again become intimate with myself in self honesty, facing who I am and what I have become as a living principle of doing what is best for all life, as from this starting point, I can direct myself in a way that is effective in taking all life into consideration, so that my life is not wasted in a bubble of exclusion, but is rather based on the intimate understanding that all life is one and equal, and thus who I am and how I live should be oriented as such.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself with relationships – focusing on my relationship and my partner so that I am not self directive and focused on myself, and giving my attention and concern to my partner and the survival of the relationship, rather than to first be intimate with myself and focus on myself and that what I am living and who I am is that which is best for all life. Thus I commit myself to bring myself back here through breathing, and to focus myself on myself by utilizing tools like breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application – when and as I see myself being prompted to participate in my tendency to look to others/my partner as a way of essentially taking attention away from myself and distracting myself from my only real ‘power’ as an ability to have any real effect in my living and changing this world to a place that is best for all, I stop, and I breathe, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and rather breathe through the fear that drives me to focus on my partner that is justified as the fear of losing the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as something that exists separate from myself, that can only be achieved and experienced through romantic relationships with a beautiful woman, and that I have further defined intimacy within a relationship as touching, kissing, hugging and sex – not seeing and realizing that intimacy is here – it starts with me, alone with myself, being intimate with myself in getting to know myself and standing as life within/principles that consider and are best for all life – thus I commit myself to redefine and live the word ‘intimacy’ as starting with myself, being honest with myself, directing myself, and living a life that takes my self as life/all life into consideration as equal and one, and thus I commit myself to stop the desire to experience intimacy as something separate from myself as sex and sexual touching within a relationship and rather insist that intimacy be expressed from a starting point of self honesty: as self intimacy, equal and one to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as having ‘deep conversations’ with my partner that are emotionally charged, and that I have allowed myself to yearn for this experience/try and create it where I have not first been intimate and honest with myself – thus I commit myself to stop trying to ‘create an experience of intimacy in my relationship as having deep conversations with my partner as a form of trying to control the relationship from a starting point of trying to maintain the survival of the relationship, and rather I begin with self intimacy as self honesty, as the point from which all other self expression as intimacy may emerge, without the fear of losing control of my relationship as the attempt of the mind to try and continue to maintain control by keeping the definition of intimacy as something separate from self within/as a relationship – when/as I see this desire to have an experience of intimacy as deep conversation arise within me, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is the mind trying to control me through maintaining intimacy as something defined separate from self within a relationship, as the mind is extremely tricky in presenting projections of intimacy that appear real and fulfilling – and thus I remain here as breath and do not participate when such desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as creating some kind of experience with my partner wherein we feel like there is a ‘connection’ between us because we have stimulated each other sufficiently into feeling good through having positive thoughts about ourselves, the other and the relationship as such experiences are in alignment with a symbolism of intimacy and love that has been imprinted in my mind through my mind and society – thus I commit myself to no longer define intimacy as purely creating positive experiences with others such as sex or other things that stimulate happy thoughts/feelings, as this can be tricky as it is only giving the mind energy and an experience of happiness but is not necessarily real, as countless relationship experiences have shown me that started out positive this way but ended up negative because once the energy ran out and we were no longer able to stimulate each other through separation (as we had come to know each other better and begin to see that in fact we are not so different and that real ‘love’ is not so elusive and thus exciting) then all of a sudden intimacy and love ceased to exist – thus when and as I see myself desiring to create a positive experience with my partner in some way where we can connect and be stimulated together sufficiently – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire only exists in the pursuit of keeping a relationship alive that is based in separation – and thus I do not participate in this desire of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather commit myself to remain here as breath and act in self honesty as breath in the physical, without fear of loss as the desire for a relationship directing me

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words