Tag Archives: deceive

Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

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Day 276: Points to reflect on, simplicity and strictness

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There are a few things I am starting to figure out in this process. I have had a few experiences that have shows me these points, but the challenge has been structuring my living and doing so consistently to reflect and incorporate my newfound understandings. One point is that self dissatisfaction is an inevitability when we do not live to our full potential – the degree to which we are dissatisfied with ourselves isn’t as important as understanding that it is a mathematical certainty that the outcome of how we feel in being dissatisfied with ourselves is equal to the degree of input we put in, in terms of the degree to which we abdicate ourselves and give excuses/justifications as to why we can let things slide. There are so many excuses to not strive to be the best we can be. Weakness is like a habit. So this is a lesson to be learned and applied in the moments where desire strikes – to realize ‘where this is all going’ and where it is going to end up’, because of that self dissatisfaction will be expressed in some form or another, usually as self abuse or projecting/abusing others or blaming others.

Another point I understand is how tricky the mind is. We tend to assume that we are the ones who are in total control of our destiny and so sometimes when we are trying to change the demons that exist within us, we forget that the demon itself takes on a life of its own and the demon becomes the observer through which we try and effect change. I have referred to this before as ‘trying to change through the mind’ – it is impossible. This point highlights the importance of working with others in a group and using the support offered to investigate oneself to prevent the observer from taking over – namely, this highlights the importance of doing my DIP assignments and that this should be my past time.

Another point is that it is the fear of loss that the mind uses as it’s power to reason/excuse/justify why we should not stop ourselves from giving into old habits/patterns, why we should not push ourselves to go beyond our preprogramming. And yet: everything is and will be lost – just like the name of my old band – all is lost.

Another point I notice is that there it is not possible to make up for lost time – this plays into the point I mentioned about consequences being inevitable. On top of the consequences that one has to face when they fall, is the fact that this time spent falling is time lost that could have been lived, that could have been better spent creating a self and world that is best for all life. We are given a very limited amount of time here on earth to truly live our lives and make the best of it.

I have written in more depth on these points before – and yet from time to time I need a reminder. As mentioned, the mind is very tricky and this is why I find myself having to ‘get back to basics’ sometimes, because when I fall back into any old habit, even the smallest one, it ends up starting a domino effect of momentum where I begin to fall on other points, and before I know it, they accumulate and I fall off the wagon completely. After just 2 days of not writing to support myself, I find myself here having to get back to square one, to re-establish myself. In a way it is necessary to do this many times in process through breathing – every time a thought comes up, just breathe.

Sometimes I believe that if I am hard enough on myself, that I will be able to ‘grind myself to a halt’, because that’s how I used to deal with points, either judging myself until I stop or forcing myself to stop, like becoming my own policeman and jailor, but I can see that this is unnecessary and is only done when there is no self trust as self honesty, and thus I am not trust worthy and will naturally begin to police/jail myself. Breath is a point of self honesty here where I don’t need to force myself into submission, where I don’t have to make self change some massive effort, but rather simply remain here. Sometimes I link the keys to my process with the more prominent points that I am aware of that I must stop, but that is a deception, that is going back into morality as the policeman, because the mind can deceive in all kinds of whats and all it really comes down to is having thoughts – if I have thoughts, I am self dishonest, I am not here as breath in the physical reality – the only place one can ever live. It is as though the mind was created only to deceive, so that one can make plans ‘outside’ of the physical reality to try and fuck with it.

Anyways, this blog is not the most focused as I have not been focused lately. I did a lot of reading tonight and I read a point with regards to simplicity – keeping things simple. In practical terms, this means breathing when thoughts come up, as mentioned, and also going straight to writing when a point is required to be looked at, and when doing so – keep it simple! That means asking the right questions, asking simple questions, and continue to follow questions and answers to questions with more common sense questions until you’ve gotten to a point of clarity. I have had a tendency to judge myself or my questions/answers in this process, and before I know it I have gone into the mind and once again I am in observer mode. What was also mentioned in the post I had read about simplicity was the point of being strict. This is important within the context of understanding what the situation is here on earth, what it is that needs to be done, and thus realizing – why wait? Why waste time screwing around when time can be better spent elsewhere making a difference? And here I am talking about wasting time both with myself and others – neither should be done. There is always work to be done whether it is with me or with others, the point is to be strict about getting it done. Here again I come back to the aforementioned fear of loss, but I am can always ready and willing to explain why I am taking such a stance, and if one is not willing to hear me out – then there is a bias and right there is my indicator that I am wasting time hearing one who is not willing to hear.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be strict with myself and others in setting boundaries and being self directive in making sure that process is the priority – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time with others in a way where I am not being supportive towards them or myself, but rather follow them and give into their desires out of fear of loss because I fear losing them – when in fact each one is self responsible and each one can only lose themselves and such lostness cannot be forever as it is always energy/entity based.

Looking back in my process, it was the times where I was asked simple common sense questions that assisted and supported me the most – they just had to be the right questions. Also, the times where I was really struct with myself and diligent in stopping habits/patterns/addictions were the times where I made real progress and began to understand myself on a level that goes beyond energy/mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not keep things simple in terms of identifying what is here for fear of facing what is here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not assess what I am participating in and how I am living and what I am accepting and allowing with simplicity and common sense to see whether or not it is relevant/valid within the context of process and the work that is necessary to be done here on earth

I commit myself to keep things simple and stick to the simplicity of breathing and writing

I commit myself to be strict with myself in doing what it takes to stop myself and be effective in my process – including all of my activities, participations and acceptances and allowances, both within myself and in my outer world

I see, realize and understand that that which I accept and allow to be done unto myself as my own self dishonesties/abuses is that which I accept/allow others to do unto me and thus when I deceive myself I am giving others permission to deceive me with effectiveness, because I will not see the deception as I deceived myself and trusted the same energy that all humans use to deceive themselves and others