Tag Archives: frustration

Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

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Day 248: Assertiveness and planning daily goals

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I have written about the importance of structuring my living to support myself in becoming more effectively and really living the ideal life I would like to. Namely, utilizing a schedule as a structure to support myself with self direction. In previous writings, I mentioned the weariness of the tendency to be too ‘strict’ with it and have high expectations which just lead me to be disappointed with myself – which I have done in the past with setting schedules/goals for myself. I mentioned utilizing schedules merely as a guideline and not being so struct or allowing myself to get frustrated/disappointed for not following it exactly as planned. Well even that did not go as planned. It really shows the distance between how I have become accustomed to living and what my ideal would be – a huge gap.

What I noticed tonight is that I am able to set for myself daily goals. I will begin doing this the night before a day, so that I have everything arranged and ready to go once I wake up and the day is started. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to set realistic daily goals for myself as a point of self support and be practical in terms of laying out that which is to be prioritized

I commit myself to establish my daily goals/priorities the night before each new day to ensure effective living as the steady progression towards reaching an ideal of how I would really like to live, walking a physical, practical process of self change that takes to time learn how to structure myself and be effective in self movement/self direction 

This leads me to a second point I wanted to touch on today: assertiveness. I noticed a couple days when I was given a sales presentation how assertive the being was in their expression – it was as if the person was talking to themselves, but not incoherently, within a point of self stability and self honest common sense – and I notice how effective it was in terms of providing simple, effective clarity that was directive. So I would also like to establish this point within/as myself. I have had a tendency to confuse assertiveness with aggression, or even the desire to convince people/persuasion – perhaps I have never known what assertiveness is in fact, as an expression of who I really am. I can see now in writing this that assertiveness can be interpreted as aggression because we tend to see those who assert themselves on us as a threat – even if they are able to have a positive impact on our lives because we can really learn from them. I can also see mixing it up with persuasion because one who is assertive can be very persuasive – but persuasiveness can really be acting like a pushover or putting on all kinds of fake expressions that are designed to compromise self and please others in order to persuade them by giving them what they are looking for. 

So what is actual assertiveness?

Noun: assertiveness

|u’sur tiv nus|

Aggressive self-assurance; given to making bold assertions

So here is found the word aggressive, which looks as if it is in alignment with what I had described however even this word can be purified to not have any kind of negative connotations that may have been influenced by past experiences:

 

Adjective: aggressive

|u’gre siv|

Having or showing determination and energetic pursuit of your ends

 

So the determination part of this is cool – the point to purify is the ‘energetic’ point – implying (as the connotation I had originally given to it) that being assertive/aggressive means to be fuelled by energy, and thus not being a self-movement, here as breath in the physical.

 

Why would I have an energetic drive behind assertiveness or the desire to be assertive – one obvious reason would be fear. “What if I don’t get what I want? What if they don’t agree with me?”.

So I will have to redefine assertiveness as a self expression wherein I am stable, and assertive based on a physical understanding/expression of who I am – wherein I am simply recognizing a point and being directive as who I am within/as the point, standing equal and one to the point in self honesty – looking at my thoughts/words to see if I am being self honest, or still attempting to assert myself based on beliefs/desires/fears.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined/believed assertiveness to be a form of energy based aggression wherein I am possessed by a point of fear as desire/self interest _ I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be assertive from a starting point of desire/wanting something/fearing something and to not stop to check whether or not I am being moved by energy or am I in fact moving myself here in self honesty as breath

I commit myself to develop assertiveness as a real self expression of who I am within self honesty as self movement as breath – standing equal to and one with myself/existence as myself to ensure that my words and self movement is in fact directed within a point of equality as self honest expression and common sense understanding – I commit myself to no longer base assertiveness within a point of fear/desire but to rather develop who I am as assertive with myself – I commit myself to assert myself within my own life and directing myself to be effective in self honesty and self trust, thus enabling me to become assertive in my expression 

Day 167: Daily input

I forgive that I’ve not allowed myself to see and live the realization that: what I put into myself will determine who I am and consequently, who I am based on what I accept and allow within and as myself is also the input that I put into others/this world and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that if I want to see a change in others/my world, I must be the change/input into others/this world that assist and support others to change through the input I put into them as that which I live and exist as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have trapped myself into a pattern based on memories, where, based on my memories, I had accepted myself as something ‘less than’ and others/my world as ‘greater than’ and within this, believed that I am too small and weak to overcome this and have any kind of relevant place in this world – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to dedicate myself to the pursuit of success based on my own self accepted and allowed inferiority, and within this process of working to achieved success as power/control/dominance, that I’ve allowed myself to create within myself the experience of achieving success/control/power/dominion as something great/amazing and that I’ve allowed myself to believe that the adrenaline rush which I experience within this – to be real and who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with others when I am able to stop and breathe and be the support/self directive principle they require, and that I have not allowed myself to realize that my frustration is not about them, but rather it is about me and my own inability to support/direct them

I commit myself to put input into myself that has real value as the value of life, as I input into myself the value of life so that I may be and become a being that values life

I commit myself to stop the pattern of wanting to achieve dominance from a starting point of self created inferiority – when and as I see myself pursuing this kind of dominance as power and control, and the adrenaline rush/positive energy high that I get from it – I stop, breathe, I realize that I am here as breath and that I can be nothing more/higher and that anything ‘higher’ is merely coming from a point of existing as lower and thus if I want to be a real being that value and care for life, I must stop my own self created inferiority/superiority complex

I commit myself to stop allowing myself be frustrated with others – when and as I see myself becoming frustrated with others, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this frustration is only about me and my own deficiencies, and I remain here in the moment to be the support/input that others require which I would like to see to create a world that is best for all – I do not participate in judgments related to frustrations about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions