Tag Archives: focus

Day 329: Promoting focus on language through the absence of language

 

Having been in a foreign country the last couple months (Thailand), I often am able to get perspectives on things that I may normally not focus on, being in my own culture, or at least may not focus on in the same way. Having very limited language skills in Thai, I am often unable to understand much of what others are saying. As a result, the overall level of speaking language and listening to language is much less than if I were in Canada.

 

Because one sense (hearing) is limited, I must resort to using whatever other sense are at my disposal, mainly seeing. When we all speak the same language, I find I am more inclined to focus on peoples words more than their actions, and of course this can be deceiving/limiting because people can say whatever they want, while their actions may belie their words. As the old adage goes, ‘actions speak louder than words.

 

Because of the fact that I am looking at members of another culture whose language I can not understand, I find there is more of a tendency to be analytically oriented in my overall approach. What I am prompted to consider within this is: how much do I miss about my own culture, simply because the words that are spoken have been normalized, and I see the people as less ‘foreign/alien’ to me because there is an underlying assumption of sameness and normalcy due to our shared cultural understandings.

 

Certainly there are many points in which people simply have a different way about doing things or a different view on things, but there are so many times wherein I am about to make a judgment about this culture, to say “wow, they are very …..” – to only then stop and realize that whatever judgement I am about to make about them is also true of people in my own culture. Sometimes our sameness is almost identical, in terms of how we are in essence, but the mere fact that this same essence is expressed in a different way/form is sufficient enough to have me see things that I might normally not see about people in my own culture. I mean, even this statement I made in the last sentence: “my culture” – what exactly about it is ‘mine’? Is it truly ‘who I am’? No, It is merely what was taught to me. Does it really serve me? Is it really something that is ideal and thus something I can willingly identify with to call ‘my own’? No. it is just what I am bound to and identify with from a starting point of survival: it is what I know best, and thus where I am most effectively able to operate within in the pursuit of my survival and happiness.

 

Some years ago, when I started learning about the human mind and what is really going on inside of people (inside of myself) and how little can be trusted in this world, I started to become more careful than ever of the words I spoke and the words that others spoke. Sometimes it is easy to fall out of this carefulness about words, about the choices of words we make and what they are really indicating and implying about our selves and our true nature, because as a member of a culture, there is a tendency to want to ‘go with the flow’ in order to have things be easy, go smoothly and ultimately survive without hassle or discomfort.

 

And yet here without much language ability, I am forced to look at what is beyond the words, to find other means of understanding people that are not shrouded in the deception of the words we use to present ourselves in a way that favors our self image we project to the world and hides our true nature.

 

The ways in which my own expression changes as well, being limited in my own ability to ‘hide behind words’ – as I’ve described above. My actions, my body language, my demeanor and disposition show through in a way where I am limited in my ability to ‘paint a picture with words’ that somehow contradicts or even justifies my actual behavior and this overall point of ‘who I really am’.

 

Additionally, when verbal communication does take place between myself and native Thai speakers, it is very limited to simple, basic vocabulary. As a result, when things are explained, the simplicity of the language that is used affords a directness that may not necessarily be achieved – and thus not be as impactful – when using more sophisticated language. Using sophisticated, elaborate and even ‘flowery’ language is another way in which we often ‘hide behind our words’. What is fascinating about Thai language is that the grammar is extremely simple compared to English, which is then taken as being much more ‘direct’, from my perspective. For example, if you were to ask the person you are with “do you want to go eat?”, would be ‘gin khao mai’ – ‘gin’ meaning ‘eat’, ‘khao’ meaning ‘rice’ (general word used for all food) and ‘mai’ simply indicating that this is a question. What is fascinating is how the words ‘you’ and ‘want’ are taken out of the equation, and how this re-contextualizes things in a way where there is not as much emphasis on ‘you’ and ‘what you want‘. This is just a tiny sample of these differences in language use and the orientation/contextualization that such forms of articulation through language imply – I won’t get into this much more as it is beginning to open up another huge point. If you would like to know more about this, I would suggest checking out some translations, or comment to me and I may blog more on this subject.

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Day 323: Specifying my interaction with others, part 1

 

Two points to look at for today, which are related: (1) being direct when it comes to moving myself into doing new things/actions that are not preprogrammed and do not necessarily come ‘naturally’ (reading and learning new things, for example), and (2) specifying my interactions with others.

 

The first point came up today when I noticed that I really had to push myself to ‘just go for it’ and ‘jump into’ my school work. I have a habit of setting myself up to do things like school work in my mind (or generally, tasks that don’t always come easy/naturally as they usually involve acquiring new information/doing new things), where I sort of psyche myself up for doing these things – essentially, it is stalling, because usually I end up not going directly into something and rather find distractions, or when I do get into it, I am very indirect, like I am doing it but I am not really ‘here’ – this is most noticeable with reading. This experience due to the thoughts I have about the task, where I project myself forward as doing the task in my mind, so it becomes more of a mental experience, even when I actually do physically engage in it. The solution here obviously being to identify in the moment when I am having these thoughts about what I must do, rather than simply seeing and recognizing directly what must be done, and the simply doing it.

 

The second point, with regards to specifying my actions with others, is doing so within the context of ensuring that my interactions with others are in fact beneficial to accumulating what is best for all – meaning that they have an outcome/result where I actually become a better person within this context. This point is within the greater point of just not wasting the time I have in my life, as it is an easy thing to do with other people, for myself – people can be exciting lol, and so it can be easy to lose sight of what matters/my goals, and difficult to make sure that I am organizing/managing time effectively. This point also came up as part of a consideration within the relationships point. I have written before about the point of ‘the ideal partner’ about how I have defined this ideal in my mind about what kind of partner would please my mind/ego. So the point of specifying my interactions has become relevant within the deception that is this idea of ‘the ideal partner’, where I notice that I often deceive myself and play games with myself, sometimes wondering if I am ‘with the right person’ or ‘if this other person might be better/there might be someone better’ – and within this, I am diverting attention away from me and who I am within relationships. What really matters is who I am, no matter who I am interacting with as it is only me and ‘who I am’ that is able to ensure that the outcome is that which is best for all, and that the interactions taking place with others are specific and worthwhile, as conducive to this goal. So this applies to all forms of relationships, including friendships and families – it is not so much about ‘who the other person is’ but rather who I am and whether or not I am specific and self directive within interaction with others.

 

These points are related in that the first one relates to my interaction with myself: my internal actions that are taking place within me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – my relationship with myself – that determine my external actions as my living application. So this word ‘interaction’ is indeed an interesting one as it is generally used in referring to participating with others, as the ‘inter’ refers to ‘who I am’ internally, which determines my living action when I am with others.

 

I will continue in the next blog with self forgiveness and self corrective statements as specific and livable (practical) guidelines for this point.

Day 322: Wasting a moment

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Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?

 

I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.

 

Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.

 

This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all

Day 310: No more cappuccinos!

In this blog I will not be continuing chronologically with the topic of my previous blog of redefining ignorance – this will be continued at a later time. The reason for this is that a fascinating point came up today.

Normally, my coffee drink of choice is a cappuccino. I have been drinking cappuccino’s regularly for a couple years or so now. The reason I like them is because I don’t like to put sugar in my coffee – I find it defeats the point. So basically, I justified the cappuccino addiction (as I just saw today that it was in fact an addiction) by saying to myself that I did it to make drinking coffee a little easier, since I don’t take sugar.

As a result, having a cappuccino was something that I saw as my daily ‘treat’, while at the same time I justified this habit/dependency that I had created because it was my way of getting coffee, which I have defined as a good thing, because it helps me focus and do work and blah blah blah.

What I really was not seeing was how this habit was affecting me. I mean, it seems innocent enough, right? The last few days I had been noticing how difficult it was to study, do work and generally focus myself, specifically with things that really matter that need to get done. I would even set very specific and attainable goals for myself for my days, and I just couldn’t stick to what I had planned. I was becoming frustrated with my inability to focus myself and be effective/directive in my daily activities. Sometimes, because of this there will then be side effects where I will do other things/other behaviors will arise to compensate for this. Within this state of being unfocused and in a kind of haze, without realizing it, I was beginning to accept it as my normal state of being, like this is who I am, and this is where the tendency to overcompensate comes in, where I would find ways to become overzealous or ‘psyche myself up’ for my daily activities. I would sometimes become frustrated because it is like I am aware on some level that there is something wrong with me, and yet I was not conscious of what it was at all, and therefore helpless to do anything about it.

Then today, at one point I really felt lost, because I had already had my daily cappuccino, and yet, I just couldn’t focus at all. I felt lost. So I got up and went to the local coffee bar. For whatever reason, I decided to try something new. I wanted a black coffee. This was really interesting because I’m not really sure what the motivation was, other than the appeal of a black coffee being cheaper than a cappuccino. What I had chosen, I didn’t realize, actually turned out to be an espresso. I noticed and had a slight experience of feeling disappointed when I took my coffee and it felt so light lol. But then I gulped down the expresso and went back home. When I got home I decided to study Thai language. As usually, when studying, there were moments of distraction, but I didn’t latch on to them. I stayed the course and studied. The determination that I had all day long as my intent, suddenly had a stronger resolve in performance. I studied quite well and ended up memorizing 10 words that I had previously been struggling with. Then after studying, I was onto the next point, and then the next, and the next. Within all of this, my focus was much better than it been in some time. It was really cool. Six hours later now, the espresso caffeine has worn off for the most part, and yet the focus is still better than it has been in the last few days.

A few key insights I have realized with regards to health and diet are: the mental relationship and the relationship we have to the experience of eating food is paramount. From my perspective, it is this relationship that really plays a crucial role in whether or not foods are healthy for us. Why do I not overeat tons of sugar which could have a detrimental effect on my health? I simply don’t have that kind of strong, positively charged relationship to those kinds of sugary foods that would create an addiction which would cause me to eat past the point of when the body is saying ‘enough’. From what I can tell, the human body functions quite well on it’s own – it is the mental relationship that we develop to foods and things in our world that fucks up what the body would normally otherwise regulate and manage effectively. In this way, it is interesting how one food (or activity, for that matter) may be a problem for one person, while it may totally not affect another person in any negative way whatsoever. That’s why it is sometimes foolish to make blanket statements about the health/food/nutrition.

What is interesting about this addiction is that it was very insidious. It had become most detrimental, purely by virtue of it being a habit, by it becoming normalized, and therefore, unquestionable (or at least very difficult to question with clarity). This point speaks volumes to the way we as human beings live and exist in general – existing in insidious habits and patterns, their lethality being by virtue of the fact that we have just always done things in such a way. This is the main point to take away from this experience. What other habits/patterns have I been overlooking and justifying with ‘a grain of truth and reason’ that it is for a better/higher cause/purpose? I will, in my personal journal, list all such points that I am aware of or suspect.

Furthermore, this point has clearly been holding me back from being effective with other points, so it is interesting to see how sometimes we are trying to correct a point and see that we are unable to, and sometimes need to step back and not obsess/fixate ourselves, so that we can take a look at the bigger picture and consider things outside of our initial frame of mind. It is sometimes surprising to see how when we deal with something that we may have otherwise normally overlooked, we end up finding the key to other things that we are well aware of require a change. It usually always tends to be these things that we take for granted and resist giving up. Like many other addictions/habits/patterns I’ve dealt with, this one, by the end of it’s time, did very little for me. The pleasure I perceived to get from it was very little, and more by virtue of the habit than the actual experience. It just gave me a nice little feeling – but at what cost?

Day 305: What I believe I want in a woman

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have made the association between sex/the experience of orgasm with ‘love’ and being cared for

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the touch of a woman’s skin and body, and that I’ve associated such experiences and having access to such experiences with having a sense of control/power and therefore happiness

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire the touch of another as an energetic addiction to this experience of perceiving that I am in control of what which I only believe will support and take care of me

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn women into commodities and objects that fit a profile of what I apparently want and believe will make me happy and save/make my life whole

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play power/manipulation games wherein I jockey for positions of power with another in order to present myself/assert myself as superior, as a way of having others submit to be able to get what I want – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make judgments on others when I do not get what I want

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go looking for another person who will satisfy my desires and fulfill my addictions when I do not get what I desire/have my addictions fulfilled by my partner, as a way of being spiteful towards my partner for the experience of being angry/frustrated because I am not getting what I believe I want – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire for sex/liking others/desire for interaction/desire for ‘love’ on actual spitefulness towards another – or as the expression goes ‘to find someone on the rebound’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my love for one on my hate towards another – specifically, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my desire/love for a woman/partner on my spitefulness/hate/lack of self acceptance of myself, where I go looking fir fulfillment because I am not recognizing myself fully and living myself to my full potential, which are reflections of self hate, self rejection and beliefs about self not being good enough or inferior

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others (women) and representations on women found in the media, for exciting my desires and ‘teasing me’ by stimulating me into having desires – not seeing and realizing that I am the directive principle within such a point and thus it is up to me whether or not I accept and allow such desires to exist within/as me

 

When and as I see myself looking to another to fulfill my desires for what I have defined as love and caring, looking for a feeling of fulfillment – I stop, I breathe, and I do not continue participating in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such desires are based on how I have not loved myself and recognized and lived myself fully, but rather created beliefs about how others are somehow superior and can therefore save me

 

When and as I see myself thinking/feeling that another is beautiful because of how they look/feel, I stop, I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that such beliefs are actually based on how I have defined perfection in my mind and made associations with perfection/happiness/fulfillment with a certain image/experience of a woman – thus I do not accept and allow myself to participate in such feelings, thought and beliefs about another apparently being beautiful or special

 

When and as I see myself wanting desiring a woman only because I believe it will ‘be good for my life’ as if having a partner is some kind of commodity as part of a greater life plan – I stop, breathe and do not participate in such desires as I see, realize and understand that such beliefs were only designed in fear and survival, where I used an observation of having control over others as apparently being satisfying and making life happier and safer

 

When and as I see myself playing games of power/manipulation/jockeying for position with another as a way to try to get them to do/be what I want as what I have idealized about what roles others must play in my life – I stop, and breathe and do not attempt to do such things as I see, realize and understand that it is impossible to make another do what I want and control them and that this will make me happy because this desire and belief of happiness through control/manipulation is only a belief that I created by using what was presented to me in my world as apparently something that will make me happy

 

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that – due to where the desire for love/affection/attention is coming from, as a place of self neglect, self rejection, and spitefulness towards self and others, that any desire for love as an idea about having someone in my life in a certain way/’role’/character is only based in spitefulness and the beliefs created in spitefulness that having others play such roles in my life will apparently make me happy.

 

When and as I see myself judging/blaming others/women/the media for stimulating my desires and belief about women, love and relationships, I stop, I breathe, and I realize a simple point which is that I am the directive principle and all desires/beliefs are only created, accepted and allowed through/as me and thus if they are allowed to exist within me, then it is because I am allowing them to be, and as such I am not able to blame anyone or anything for stimulating me, no matter how much or how great the attempt to stimulate me may be.

Day 304: Scheduling and the ability to be directive

 

I have written on this point before. It is proving to me a more challenging point as I have not yet been able to actualize that which is ideal. What I have not done consistently is to be persistent on the point, although I’m persisting now – so let’s say I have not been consistently persistent lol.

 

Now I am on vacation, and although it may seem strange to be focused on scheduling and disciplining myself, the truth is that life never stops and I have spent enough tie in my life vacating reality to not be persistent about developing effective work ethic and self application through organization and scheduling. Also, the vacation is a great opportunity to start with this point.

 

How will I go about this? The main ingredient in being effective with scheduling is self honesty and that is also the biggest challenge because there will be moments where I fear to give up whatever is here in the moment because I have to stick to my schedule. Keeping up any habit requires energy, attention and time, so I fear my schedule will take time away from that which I believe I must give attention to. Here self honesty is absolutely crucial because I have to recognize that old systems that I used to survive in the past simply don’t work. For instance – being obsessive about relationships and having a partner – in the past I would obsess over this point within an underlying belief that I could be saved by others, believing that the feeling I got from being immersed in a relationship and feeling ‘loved’/’cared for’ would somehow equate into surviving and having a good life, because this is what I had observed/believed from a young age with my parents and people around me.

 

Of course it does matter to be a part of this world, to truly interact – but relationships as we know them today have becoming a way of ‘interacting within a starting point of how we are different/separate wherein we fulfill fake roles that will apparently please each other. Within such a point, the drive is to become the character I believe I must be as much as possible, as fully as possible, completely immersing my whole life in it so I can live the character in absolutely every single moment – then it must be real! This is the belief system.

 

But with regards to real interaction and real living, it is important to remember the point of quality over quantity. Some of the people who had the greatest impact on my life, who could truly touch me in the core of my being beyond any form of ‘personalized intimacy’ I have ever known, did it swiftly and with effectiveness.

 

So this is the point: effectiveness: and if I am effective with myself and my own living, I am able to be effective in my living/interaction with others, and actually give more value and real meaning to my living here among others, more efficiently and effectively, which means I can do it more, and for more people. Once again, in giving up that which I fear to lose I am in fact gaining, because I am giving myself back to myself through truly living myself, truly taking the opportunities I have been gifted, truly living to my full potential. This point resonates in a way that is also beyond words and as I have found before, I will surely become more effective with my words because rather than trying to control with words, I become the directive principle in my life and thus my words become directive as an expression of myself as the directive principle.

 

Now I will begin scheduling.

Day 284: Focusing on other people

This post is just a few self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of desiring an experience of comfort/escape/security through not being alone, and being in contact with others, focusing on others. The problem with this is that if the living of others can make you feel these positive feelings, then the living of others can also influence me negatively, if there is for instance something about their living which I can not accept because I see it as a problem. So it is fascinating how through the desire for an experience of comfort and security, we end up creating the opposite experience of uneasiness and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time within the belief/justification that “I am tired” or “I need a break” – as I realize how deceptive the mind is in getting oneself to believe that it is necessary to stop and stagnate and not initiate self movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my process is dependent on the process of others – and within this, fearing the fact that others are not actively engaging in process, and fearing having to engage them eventually inevitably when there may be some kind of disagreement or perceived differences – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear is in fact just a fear of myself not being directive enough to be as effective as possible in my process, and that I am only projecting myself as this fear and thus the solution is to stop all fear/judgment/projection of others and simply move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process – as all things – is always experienced alone, by oneself alone – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can run away and escape by utilizing others as a way of generating energy and having some kind of higher experience of myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the key to life and enjoying myself and security and being happy, is being around/with others and being in agreement with others in all things, that I have allowed myself to believe that another can save me or make me happy

I commit myself to direct myself effectively here as breath in moments where I desire to stagnate and do what is not practical within the justification/belief that I must rest or I have ‘free time’

I commit myself to, when and and as I see myself projecting myself onto others – to stop, breathe and direct myself to simply STOP and note the point immediately so I can bring it back to myself and my own life, when I have a moment to write about it – as I see, realize and understand that all concerns/judgments of this nature are always about self, and about the fear of others which is in fact the fear of how I am existing and that the desire to worry about others and focus on them is another trick of the mind to not have me direct myself and look at myself

I commit myself to direct myself as what is necessary to be done in my process in focusing on me and doing what I must do to support and direct myself, and to stop the fear of others misunderstanding/reacting badly to this

I commit myself to focus on me here in sorting myself out, and to no longer use others as some kind of ‘nice feeling safety net’ where I can escape through being with others and focusing on others, or even believing that I am sharing my process with others – that is again how tricky my mind is