Tag Archives: fear of others

Day 312: Always give the integrity you expect from others

(This post was written with regard to a reaction of anger and frustration I had towards another persons behavior recently, as I judged them as ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘secretive’, fearing what they might possibly do to me)

So about my reaction. It was so strong and intense. It was all about control and being pissed off about ambiguity. The desire to control is pattern, I am seeing. Due to my reaction, it was difficult to write with any clarity, I was completely fucked and the things I was writing were taking things way too far.

What is this control and desire to control about? It is about the fear of ‘what could happen’ – that ‘what if’ fear. It is the fear of what others could do to me. And that is, in a way, just the fear of myself and what I could do to others. It is just memories that haunt me, which have me in this permanent state of paranoia, and before I know it, I am already ready to ‘strike at others’, whether that is anticipating being hurt and how I would strike back, or whether being preemptive of this fear of being hurt my others.

Why is self preservation all that matters? If I did not exist this way, would the ‘what if’ possibility of what others could potentially to do me be of any concern? No. Just the same way it would be pointless to live in constant fear of being hit my a bus. Sure it could happen, it COULD. Does it matter? Not really. Because who I am is all that matters, as it determines how I experience myself for as long as I am here.

What I fear is my own self interest – because, even if faced with the evil of another, how can I possibly trust myself to direct the outcome in a way that is best for all, if I have not transcended the same evil myself?

The ego takes this ‘what if fear’ and projects it very deceptively onto others. But if I give up that which I desire that exist as self interest – what is there to fear of others really? What is there to lose? I just end up becoming intolerant of others because of these fears, I create desires and expectations about what others should be. But as someone said to me once: “always give the level of integrity that you expect.” And – save for situations where it is proven that I am being outright abused by another – this holds true. Nothing else matters and to ‘risk everything’ (in the eyes of the mind/fear) is what will be necessary to give such a thing.

This will be a brief post for tonight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what others can do to me, not realizing that this is in fact the fear of myself as how I am existing, and within this fear, that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control others through placing expectations of how others should be, and that I have rather not accepted and allowed myself to be that which I would like/desire others to be, as I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is the only way to create that which is best for all – to risk everything and live as the example

I commit myself to take self responsibility for myself first and foremost and to investigate and stop my reactions towards others and my desires/expectations of what others should be – and to rather remove such controls, which are birthed in fear, through standing myself as that example and to live with the integrity that I would expect from others as I see, realize and understand that this is in fact what is best for all.

Day 207: The reward of giving up self interest and desire

I find this process to be a challenge in every moment because in every moment there is a choice to be made which is to stick with a decision I am making. It is not a decision you make and then everything is just fine and you can go back to how your life always has been – you make the decision and then the challenge is to live by the principles that you have decided on in every moment. To stop your desires. To stop your fears. To stop your greed. To stop all of the nasty shit that is going on in your mind and to do everything possible to expose, investigate and understand what is going on in your mind as necessary to be able to stop it. Initially in my process I would just judge my thoughts and suppressed them without fully understanding them, but I am realizing more and more than a point cannot be stopped if it is not understood, so within this, dedication and commitment to do the work is key.

It is very challenging at times because you are busy living it out and that ‘living it out’ gives you all the momentum needed and all the reasons and justifications necessary to give up and live real change. This resistance was so engrained within me that I didn’t even know I was experiencing it until someone else pointed it out to me.

But while I have made much mention of how difficult this task is, I have not focused as much on the reward of it all. When you do stick with it and do what is necessary to be done, it is extremely rewarding – a whole new world and way of experiencing yourself opens up which, in contrast to life as we know it being such a hardship/hell, is like living in heaven. Living without fear because you have stopped your evil ways is like a heaven.

That is why we live in so much fear – we fear ourselves within others – we are constantly seeing who we are within ourselves as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become, projected into others, and then we fear this mental projection of ourselves and before we know it we are having all kinds of nasty thoughts. We start constructing defense mechanisms, saying nasty things about others in our minds, comparing ourselves to them and making them superior in our minds, plotting and scheming. It is really no way to experience oneself, it is not what we can call ‘life’ or ‘living’.

Living without the fear of others (as the actual fear of ourselves) is quite awesome. Living without anger and hatred in our hearts – which is actually just an offense/defense mechanism of fear – is really the way that we would all like to experience ourselves – even if some so completely lost and consumed in their experiences of fear/anger may not realize it. This mechanism serves to facilitate our fear in an attempt to control, so that we do not ‘lose’ that which we fear losing which our creation as ego and that which we believe we possess, so in a way this all starts with the idea of ourselves and self interest, and the desire for more that is birthed in self interest and the idea of acquiring possessions to facilitate, feed and bolster our self definition.

Putting the rewards of the personal experience of letting go of all this shit aside, the world is in quite a mess and the consequences of not doing this will be quite dire for each one, even if we may not fathom it. Things are really bad in the word right now and there is really no limit to how bad it can get. ‘Have a heart’ as the saying goes, because I mean after all without a heart, you won’t exist any longer.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is always fear, indirectly, as from creating a point of self definition as ego/mind, the fear of loss (and subsequent desire for ‘more’/to control/possess/dominate) is then created and from this fear of loss, anger and even violence is created, whether physical or in words/thought, as the mechanism to protect that which I fear losing

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear others because I fear myself as that which I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as and thus they key to stopping all fear of others is to stop my desires, greed and self interest as ego/mind – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the reward of giving up desire as ego/mind as this is what I have been yearning for, for as long as I can remember, as this is peace and freedom, heaven

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all judgments, comparisons, attacks and justifications of judgments that exist in my mind are all forms of abuse that in fact exist as fear as the fear of changing myself/losing what I have created

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the inability to trust others/doubting/fearing others is actually based in a lack of self trust as not giving up my own desires and not being honest with myself within this

I commit myself to stop all anger as fear and fear of loss that exist within my mind

I commit myself to stop all desires that exist within the mind as desire is that which create and sustain fear within me

I commit myself to stop all the judgments, projections, comparisons and justifications that exist as thoughts in my mind which seek to protect my ego as desire and self interest, preventing me from changing and giving myself the gift of heaven on earth as living without fear

I commit myself to stop the fear of others by trusting myself and thus trusting others, and creating this self trust through being self honest in stopping all desires as they come up in the moment as my thoughts

When and as I see myself fearing/not trusting others – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is about me as it pertains to self trust as self honesty as not giving up my own desires – and thus I do not participate in this fear/lack of trust but rather take the point back to self – I give myself the gift of not fearing others and trusting others completely through trusting myself as being honest within myself in giving up desires/thought as the mind

When and as I see myself becoming angry with others – I stop, breathe and I realize that this is me trying to protect my ego from having to change/take the point back to self and thus I do not accept and allow myself to become angry but rather use this experience of anger as a gift to see where I am still trying to protect my mind/ego as desire/self dishonesty