Tag Archives: lovers

Day 336: Relationships and Conspiracy

 

A while a go I remember watching a documentary by Adam Curtis called ‘The Trap’. It showed how through social engineering humans were being unwittingly influenced to essentially be completely selfish in their motives, conspiring against their fellow man in pursuit of personal gain, and live a life of complete paranoia and distrust of their fellow man within the assumption that their fellow man was living in the exact same way.

 

Now, this isn’t exactly news to me and I’m sure it isn’t news for many people, however it does hold value in substantiating and showing/documenting the way in which we as human beings live and the fact that this this of behavior is engineered, encouraged, promoted by special interest groups who study human beings like lab rats (often using actual lab rats to figure study our behavior patterns), of which the general public is not aware that this is taking place.

 

I mentioned in my last blog how the influence of our societal systems/norms has on relationships, where our relationship pursuits are contextualized by this mentality of seeking personal gain, even at the expense of others, where the people in our lives become commodities, assets to the personal empires we build to ourselves. Well, today a train of thought arose in my mind, where I was considering ‘worst case scenarios’ of my relationship, the fear of it ending and me being at some form of loss and within this, waging how I could come out of it best – basically, in a situation of conflict and deterioration of the relationship, who would ‘come out on top’. I found myself immediately considering each others status within the context of ‘who needed each other more’ and thus, if it ended, ‘who would be losing out more’, and within this, waging that I had the upper hand, having more wealth, status, being a male, coming from a more privileged country, etc. This entire train of thought happened so quickly, I mean I am really just mentioning all the information in a nutshell here, and yet all of this information and the considerations thereof happened in just a moment of thought. That is how dangerous our minds as the automation of brainwashing/conditioning that does not serve us can be. If I had not dealt with it in any way, who knows the consequences that such thoughts may have on my life…it is insanity, nothing less.

 

Through Desteni I have learned the importance of abandoning self interest and the fear of loss, the fear of my demise, through embracing all life as myself as one and equal. Yes, there is a lot of conditioning/brainwashing to behave otherwise and so learning to live this way is a lengthy process that takes hard work and serious commitment. But through establishing this base principle as a directive living principle, I have enabled myself to be able to – in moments such as this – abandon the fear of loss and embrace others as myself, retaining as my starting point the approach of always trying to find a solution that would be best for all, that considers others as equal and one to myself and thus to give to others as I would like to receive as the solution, to give to all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base relationships and the desire to have a relationship in self interest and the pursuit of survival and personal fulfillment wherein I only consider myself as the one to be fulfilled, as such a consideration can only exist within a point of being brainwashed to fear loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value myself and my partner in terms of their appeal as commodities, within the ideal of what would be a ‘valuable’ partner as such values of a person pertain to survival and may increase the chances/likelihood of survival based on their attributes, skills and status and how society values such points and thus how valuable the would be in the eyes of the system and how this would benefit me

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing such a ‘commodity’ as a partner, not realizing that I would not be losing anything but an accessory to my fear of survival

 

And within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play psychological games with myself/with my partner where we compete over who is more valuable and who needs each other more, rather than establishing a relationship of trust based within the principles of mutual consideration as equals as what is best for all, allowing myself to let go of the fear of what I experience as feeling ‘vulnerable’ because I am no longer competing to assert my value and worth within the pursuit and fear of survival in the system – but by embracing what the mind experience as being ‘vulnerable’ I am in fact allowing myself to be stronger than ever by letting go of the fear of loss and fear of others, through stopping the mind as ego and embracing others as myself in giving equal value and consideration to others

 

I compete myself to ensure that my relationship is not a competition, and that all of my relationships with people/interactions are not influence and compromised by this underlying fear of others as the desire to compete as I commit myself to embrace others as myself and always do that which is best for all in giving equal value and consideration to others as myself

 

When and as I see myself entering the fear of loss – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how relationships have become a point of self interest and commodification/control/possession over others, and thus I do not participate in this fear as it arises in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to stop the desire to have other people in my life to serve as commodities to my ego and status wherein I look to associate with others who I see and judge as having value within the eyes of the system – thus I commit myself to judging people based on their value in the eyes of the system as their attributes, skills and status

 

I commit myself to stand as who I am, here as breath in self honesty, despite the fear of loss and in the face of such fears, no matter how intense the energetic experience of fear may be, rather than to instead try and gauge ‘what my chances are to win the game’ or ‘come out on top’ and to try and search for confidence and the ability to direct myself/make choices within evaluating myself and my own worth based on my value/worth in the eyes of the system/as determined by the world system/society – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for self value and confidence to act/direct myself/control my world only based on self definition as mind, and thus I commit myself to embrace the only real value that I have – the value of self as life as breath, here as a physical being with the brief opportunity I have been given to live and realize what life is

 

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Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 300: Attraction

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Throughout my process I have been shown the importance of words and being specific with words. A long time ago I was introduced to etymology, and then the art of playing with words. This proved to be both fun and interesting, where you find things like the word ‘LIE’ right in the middle of the word ‘belief’, or that the word ‘good’ is just an extra ‘o’ away from ‘god’ while ‘devil’ is just the adding of the letter ‘d’ to ‘evil’. From this experience I became more accustomed to focusing on the ‘bigger terms’, like the ones that are more obvious or prevalent, and therefore maybe more ‘fun’ to look at and play with. What I haven’t done as much is incorporate this act of playing with words into my process as a practical tool within my process. There are many, many words that are part of my daily vocabulary which keep coming up, that I simply don’t look at.

 

Today the point of attraction came up in discussion with regards to my process. Or rather, the word attraction came up. What is attraction – when is it real? This is what I asked because the fact is that I experience attraction, but I really don’t know how it works. How can I allow myself to not even understand something that influences and controls my behavior on a daily basis?

 

Attraction

At traction

at ration

irration

at action

attack tion

attack I on

 

In a discussion today I was given some direction on this point in understanding that attraction (here I’m talking more specifically with regards to relationship/romantic attraction) is based on one’s pre-programmed design – based on this design they will like certain stuff or not like certain stuff, and they will be either attracted or repelled, accordingly. This is where ‘at traction’ comes in – I am on the right track, on the train tracks of my pre-programmed life design of what I like and don’t like, with good traction, like I’m stuck on the tractor beam pulling me along the journey of my preprogrammed fate.

 

Now this is a point I find extremely difficult to question, because it is like I don’t even know why I like the things I like, I don’t even know why I am attracted to certain things. Even more, I felt like I had already dealt with this point of letting go of the stuff I am attracted to, of giving up the stuff I believe I like – and yet here I still am living it. This is indicates the importance of being thorough in one’s process and not getting any ideas about what has to be dealt with and how to accomplish it. This is a process that can only be done in real time – as points come up, I deal with them practically. This has also been a challenge as I have found that the ingrained tendency to want to give up on myself/life is what drives me to do what I mentioned – sort of take on a point, try o get it done, get an idea about it that I am getting it done, and then it is like ‘ok, I have transcended the point now, I’m ready to change – this has been dealt with’. This can be especially so when certain points are related to others points, like in this case, the point of women and attraction – they are not necessarily one and the same, even though they may under the same umbrella of ‘relationships’ – several points may end up revealing themselves within this overall point, and each one has to be dealt with in specificity – and I have the time to do it.

 

So it is time for me to investigate this point on my own, in real time – to look at what I am experiencing with regards to attraction, currently in my life – what I am attracted to and all the points/reasons why/experiences of it. This is going to be interesting.

Day 282: Why do things turn sour when I desire to have a good relationship?

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After doing some ranting and raving today – giving myself the time and patience to just write out what I am experiencing emotionally, what my fears, worries and concerns are – I began to see even more into this point of being a people-pleaser and the belief that if I give others what they want and stimulate them into a positive experience of themselves, they will view me well and thus I will be rewarded. So, this is clearly beginning to look like a big point for me, the desire to be someone special in the eyes of others.

Recently I had an experience where essentially a person became angry with me for no real reason other than their own frustration – it was one of those times, you know, you have probably experienced it before, where someone just flips out on you and you totally did not see it coming as it was undeserving. As a result of this person becoming angry, they have decided to try and extort me as this person holds some material assets of mine as the person had offered to me to hold onto these things for free. I accepted, perhaps unwittingly. The person then began asking me if they could have some of the items, and I said I was unable to give it to them, not thinking anything of it – and this was the point where the person snapped, as if I had wronged her. All of this came as a surprise as the person is actually considerably affluent compared to myself. If I knew it was that big of a deal, I would have given the stuff – but not having very much money at all at this point in time did not incline me to say ‘yes’. The person is now trying to extort me through telling me that if I want my things, I must pay them rent. None of this is justified in any way – not even according to a system that is already grossly unfair – but as I’m finding out lately, there exist people who will simply only ever attempt to take advantage of others and they most often come with a smile on their face.

Anyways, not sure if all those details matter, but this experience bothered me. I tried to tell myself things, like I did not care about the stuff, to be able to let go of the experience of emotions and feeling and thoughts that I was going through, but it persisted and here I am writing about it today. What I found through ranting and raving about the point was that the essence of what made me react was the experience of another becoming angry at me and losing something as a result of this. So, the same way I have associated being perceived positively by others with having success and gains in life, I have associated being perceived negatively by others with loss and possibly ‘losing out’ and having a more difficult life because of my loss. Why have I never allowed myself to live in a way where others can simply recognize who I am for who I really am? Why has the recognition of who I am never been real, simple, direct? I mean there is a vast difference between something thinking your great, versus simply recognizing a point – which should have no added energetic perceptual value of ‘this person is great’ or ‘this person sucks’.

Because I have never recognized myself as who I really am as a physical being, I have identified with the mental projection which is thus what I influence and encourage others to only recognize me as. This is the only background I am able to account for that explains why this experience with this person happened: I made the kind of impression that would have this person like me because they realized that I was the kind of person they could expect to please them – and perhaps even take advantage of – and all of a sudden when I can no longer be taken advantage of, the person goes into the opposite polarity mental experience.

I’ve utilized personality characters that I specifically designed to make a positive impression on people and get attention and become a popular person – however this system is one that is not sustainable as it is not real and always inevitably moves to the opposite polarity as I have demonstrated above. It is also the same reason why my relationship life has been a revolving door and I have met people who do the same as I – and we just end up trying to please each other so we can get something, eventually and inevitably ending up resentful towards each other when it no longer works. This tendency to stimulate others is really habitual, and comes up as like a form of fear of others/anxiety, so I am going to have to stop the fear of not doing this and no longer bully myself into submitting myself to what I believe others want me to be, of fearing how others might react to me for just being me, just being here – that fear is rather the fear of how I am currently existing because deep down I know that if I am existing this way, then eventually people are going to react negatively to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the engrained habit of reacting to others out of fear of others as the belief that I must be something/someone that I am not in order to be liked by others and thus survive, is actually a sure path to having others not liking me and threatening my life because it will always inevitably end up in hate and disdain and a parting of ways because the positivity was never real in the first place, but only based on fear of others based on how I believe myself to be separate from others through self interest and ego.

I commit myself to stop the tendency to react to others in a way where I am pleasant and attempt to stimulate them in a positive way, like for instance saying nice things that I know they will like because it feeds their ego or being entertaining or making jokes – any kind of point of stimulation – when the desire to react to others this way arises because I feel an internal fear/pressure to react to others this way, I stop, I breathe and I continue to do this no matter how tough it is or how intense the fear is or no matter how long it lasts, as I see, realize and understand that this fear is not real, it is not me but just what I believe I must be – I breathe until the energy passes and I do not accept and allow myself to give into this desire to be stimulating as an internal pressure that I place on myself from a starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not given myself the self love, self honesty, self trust, and self support to not give into the desire to have others like me and rather live a life of real value, even though it is not ‘exciting’ or ‘stimulating’ to others, to actually instead remain here as breath no matter what comes up

Day 230: Correcting myself within a relationship

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The following is an excerpt from my journal:

How do we change our relationship from a dependency to a support? If we do not do this, we will be damned.

I mean, do either of us want this experience of loneliness anymore? No. do either of us want this experience of not trusting each other anymore? No. I am not advocating a break up – I am advocating that we stick together and support each other in our own processes. We must not have secrets both with ourselves and with each other – and starting with ourselves first is what is important. I cannot ‘demand’ anything from her if she does not even understand what I mean, so certainly I have to make sure she understands where I am coming from and how this all works before I can even propose this, I mean she has to see the importance of this for herself in any case – as do I.

So it is important to not focus on her alone, and yet to not neglect the relationship and focus on myself alone – this will have to be done together, equal and one. We need to get to the bottom of why we are really in this relationship. To have a relationship where we actually grow and make each other stronger, we are going to have to ensure that there is trust and that trust is real. We have to ensure that it is about making each other stronger and not weaker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to have a successful relationship based on past experiences/memories – not taking into consideration that this belief is based on a past belief of what relationships are and who I must be within a relationship, because yes, within such assumptions a successful relationship is impossible – and within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see what is possible in a relationship when my starting point for a relationship is no longer self-interest/sex/greed, meaning to exist within the relationship without any desires or ulterior motives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my relationship and to exist within/have a relationship from the starting point of fear of loss as fear of not surviving: meaning to design a relationship purely from the starting point of trying to survive and make it in this world, to have financial and moral support and ‘someone in my corner’

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’ in my relationships, meaning that I have not allowed myself to simply enjoy another when it is practical to do so, without any desire or dependency, so that we may unconditionally enjoy each other and allow ourselves to support each other to grow and be stronger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which I fear about others is in fact that which I fear about myself – thus not realizing that it is important to take ALL points of fear back to self and support self to see how self is living such points and work effectively to stop it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become negative and paranoid within and as my own mind about other people apparently being bad or doing bad things, not realizing that I am projecting myself as past experiences and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the tendency to want to ‘jump the gun’ and end the relationship with the person or cut them out of my life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I stick to my process and continue to push myself to walk through tough points and change habits, creating myself anew: that there is nothing to fear in others as the actual fear of myself projected as I am in fact doing what I am able to as what is necessary to sort out myself and my world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that all relationships are a reflection and extension of myself and thus what really matters within all relationships is who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within my own life and thus from this perspective, it is impossible to try and control or influence others even if my intentions are best, and that the desire to control is only existent when I am not effectively self directive – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to in any way control my relationship or my partner or influence them or have them see things my way

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my relationship/believing that a successful relationship is impossible – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this kind of thinking/feeling is a resonant experience based on past memories of who I was and what I was attempting to create in relationships from a starting point of self-interest – and I do not allow myself to participate in such thoughts/feelings/emotions and simply remain here within/as breath

When and as I see myself fearing loss within my relationship/the experience of myself within a relationship – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear of loss is engrained through past experiences/memories and that I can only fear loss if I am lost and am not directing myself effectively and thus I stop the tendency to go looking outside of myself for solutions and simply face myself here in the moment, and work with who I am to ensure that I can never be lost and thus my relationships will not be lost along with myself – I work with what is here as me/who I am within relationships and stop the tendency/desire to go into the mind looking for solutions

I commit myself to stop making/basing decisions on what will best for the survival of the relationship within the starting point of living for my own survival, and to rather make decisions that are best for all to ensure that the relationship support us individually to be the best individuals that we can be so that we may give back to life

I commit myself to stop all fears of others and always bring the point of fearing something back to self so that I may correct the point within myself and effectively assist/support others within the same point

I commit myself to stop all paranoia and fear of others/fear of loss within my relationships and to simply unconditionally live and give as I see, realize and understand that if I stand/give unconditionally, then the outcome of all my relationships will inevitably be what is best for all life, no matter how that outcome comes about or how long it takes – I commit myself to trust myself in standing by the principles of equality and what is best for all life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective applications such as writing and breathing

I commit myself to work on myself daily in self writing and self corrective application to ensure that I will be the best that I can be and thus all my relationships will be the best they can be within the understanding that to bring about a change in others, I must stand alone and with resolve to support others in realizing themselves and standing up as well

Day 214: Severing ties

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I have said before that if I lose a relationship, then there is no real loss as it was never real in the first place if it is lost – I mean, that which is of life is that which is real – so how can life be lost? Life is always here. However I am finding the reality of living this statement somewhat difficult. Not nearly as immensely as I used to as I have been working through this point of fear of loss, but it is still a challenge.

There is an old relationship in particular which has already been over for something, that is now ‘totally lost’, meaning that we could not end on amicable terms. There is that desire for things to end well and ‘stay friends’, but that didn’t happen. The problem is that the relationship was never real to begin with, and although I have wanted and attempted to make it real, in the end that is not possible – I can only make myself real. We can all only make ourselves real.

Because the relationship was not real and the other person was not able to/willing to change their starting point, I found myself being a bit angry and upset by it, which is still pertaining to the fear of loss – so what I am reacting to in them not changing their starting point is still me not having changed my starting point completely, within understanding. Because the fact is that if our relationship is ending, with the focus being on self correction and self change, then it really does not matter if we continue to communicate or not, because the relationship will have ended benefitting us in that we became better people because of it, that it benefitted all of our future interactions with others – this is worth much more than holding onto the remnants of the past, which is likely makes as the ‘let’s stay friends’ bit.

I have said goodbye to many people in my life, will be saying goodbye to many more and eventually I will have to say goodbye to everyone – what is important is that I say goodbye on better terms, having learned from my time with them/my time on this earth and made the most of it. After all, what is the pint of holding on to something if one is not in the position to be trusted to do what is best within that position?

This process is about self – no matter where I am, what I am doing or who I am with – I breathe, I am here.

Day 126: Revenge of the pretty woman – part 4

stylish photography of gorgeous asian women31
In this part, I am writing self corrective statements based on the self forgiveness statements I wrote in the previous blog, and what I have learned overall about myself through a recent experience where I was contacted by an ex girlfriend.

When and as I see myself going into thoughts/feelings/emotions of blame towards another such as an ex girlfriend based on the belief that I have been ‘hurt’ by them and any subsequent justifications of this such as having been lied to by them or used by them – I stop, I breathe – I realize that I am one and equal to this person and thus blame is useless as I am equally responsible and only able to direct myself to effect change in that which I see, and that this blame of focusing on what is wrong with another is only a way of shifting attention away from what I must change about me – and I do not participate within the mind as these thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself judging another as being fake – I stop, I breathe – I see that this judgment is about me and that I am simply required to see what is ‘fake’ in my own life and correct it – and thus I do not participate in this judgment of others as my thoughts, feelings or emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to be with my ex or a woman like my ex as part of a relationship fantasy wherein I believe that this ‘ideal partner’ will somehow make me/my life better and save me from my own fears and inferiorities, and when and as I see myself acting on this desire – I stop, I breathe – I realize that this is simply an engrained habit that must be stopped through my non-participation over time – and I do not allow myself to act on/participate within these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself trying to control my ‘love life’ as the desire to have a partner and maintain a partner or my prospective attempts at finding a partner – I stop and breathe, and realize that this attempt to get a partner and control my love/relationship life this way is based in fear, inferiority and the fear of loss wherein I believe that I MUST find some kind of ideal partner – I do not participate in this desire to control and manipulate myself/others/a situation as it arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring another who I believe has ‘done me wrong’ such as my ex girlfriends to ‘explain themselves to me – I stop, breathe and do not act on/participate within this desire as I see, understand and realize that this is based within the belief that another is responsible for how I feel and a desire to justify the mistakes I had made in the relationship so that I am not required to correct myself and who I am through having another take the blame so that I can move on and continue making the same mistakes within the belief that it was the other who was wrong – I do not act on these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I stand here, self responsible for who I am in every moment so that I may create a better life and through this create a world that is best for all life

I commit myself to stop relationships that are based in self interest, dependency, fear, weakness, inferiority, fear of loss, control, desire, possessiveness, manipulation, deception

I commit myself to create relationships and interactions with others from a starting point of self honesty as what is best for all – here within and as the physical existence and to not allow any mind interference as I stop it in the moment when it arise and do not participate

I commit myself to stand as life as one and equal to all life where no relationships can exist that are not best for all life

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.org

www.equalmoney.org