Tag Archives: relationship

Day 339: Childhood memories influencing my relationship

 

Recently, through working on a mind construct on relationships, I have been looking at and working through through several past memories of relationship experiences and how they have influenced who I am today and how I am living the experience/word of ‘relationship’. As I work with these memories, other memories have been coming up of even earlier childhood experiences that also played into what I ultimately experience/live as my relationships.

 

I see that a great deal of my pursuing relationships and, frankly obsessing over them, was based in experiences as a child where I felt I needed others to take care of me but did not get the proper care/attention that I required. Whether or not I truly needed this care that I felt I did not get is still unclear to me, as I was at a young age where I was vulnerable and couldn’t do certain things for myself, other than perhaps express effectively that I required support – perhaps I did this but still did not get the support I required, hence the urgency and obsession that later developed as my need for fulfillment through a relationship. But this does not change the fact that currently I am an adult and am fully capable of supporting myself in whatever it is that I require, even if this sometimes involves participation with others.

 

And within this obsession/being stuck in past memories wherein I believe that I require the help of another, my tendency has been to utilize relationships from such a starting point, and the major problem here is that this then keeps/prevents me from effectively supporting myself, as I often notice that my relationship can be a distraction from myself/my process and focusing on what really matters – who I am and directing myself to support myself effectively so that I do not need/experience the feeling that I require another to be fulfilled.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a relationship can save me, that I need and require a relationship and for my partner to give certain things such as love, attention, affection and consideration for me and within this, that I have used this point of belief as a way of not focusing on myself and giving to myself that which I require as self support, in self directiveness and self responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give attention to my relationship and put work into my relationship wherein it is from the starting point of making another like me and care for me and be obsessed with me so that I can have them conform to this point of servitude within the belief that I need and require them to be fulfilled

 

When and as I see myself obsessing over my relationship/partner, putting energy, attention and effort into it within the belief that I need a relationship/need a partner to love and obsess over me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a belief that I created from childhood experiences where I felt that I went without sufficient support, attention and consideration, and thus believed that I require to find another and convince them/control/manipulate them or give them sufficient attention in order to ensure that they give me the support/consideration that I believe I require from them – thus I remain here as breath, releasing myself from these memories and the belief that I require another to take care of me, and do not participate in such desires to control another/be fulfilled by another, as these desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to obsess over give attention to, control and have power over another

 

I commit myself to ‘be here for myself’ within awareness as breath, no longer accepting/believing that I am ‘not enough’ for myself and that I require another to fulfill me as I see, realize and understand that I can never be fulfilled by another, that this is an illusion of the mind and that the feelings thereof will never last or fulfill me

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Day 336: Relationships and Conspiracy

 

A while a go I remember watching a documentary by Adam Curtis called ‘The Trap’. It showed how through social engineering humans were being unwittingly influenced to essentially be completely selfish in their motives, conspiring against their fellow man in pursuit of personal gain, and live a life of complete paranoia and distrust of their fellow man within the assumption that their fellow man was living in the exact same way.

 

Now, this isn’t exactly news to me and I’m sure it isn’t news for many people, however it does hold value in substantiating and showing/documenting the way in which we as human beings live and the fact that this this of behavior is engineered, encouraged, promoted by special interest groups who study human beings like lab rats (often using actual lab rats to figure study our behavior patterns), of which the general public is not aware that this is taking place.

 

I mentioned in my last blog how the influence of our societal systems/norms has on relationships, where our relationship pursuits are contextualized by this mentality of seeking personal gain, even at the expense of others, where the people in our lives become commodities, assets to the personal empires we build to ourselves. Well, today a train of thought arose in my mind, where I was considering ‘worst case scenarios’ of my relationship, the fear of it ending and me being at some form of loss and within this, waging how I could come out of it best – basically, in a situation of conflict and deterioration of the relationship, who would ‘come out on top’. I found myself immediately considering each others status within the context of ‘who needed each other more’ and thus, if it ended, ‘who would be losing out more’, and within this, waging that I had the upper hand, having more wealth, status, being a male, coming from a more privileged country, etc. This entire train of thought happened so quickly, I mean I am really just mentioning all the information in a nutshell here, and yet all of this information and the considerations thereof happened in just a moment of thought. That is how dangerous our minds as the automation of brainwashing/conditioning that does not serve us can be. If I had not dealt with it in any way, who knows the consequences that such thoughts may have on my life…it is insanity, nothing less.

 

Through Desteni I have learned the importance of abandoning self interest and the fear of loss, the fear of my demise, through embracing all life as myself as one and equal. Yes, there is a lot of conditioning/brainwashing to behave otherwise and so learning to live this way is a lengthy process that takes hard work and serious commitment. But through establishing this base principle as a directive living principle, I have enabled myself to be able to – in moments such as this – abandon the fear of loss and embrace others as myself, retaining as my starting point the approach of always trying to find a solution that would be best for all, that considers others as equal and one to myself and thus to give to others as I would like to receive as the solution, to give to all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base relationships and the desire to have a relationship in self interest and the pursuit of survival and personal fulfillment wherein I only consider myself as the one to be fulfilled, as such a consideration can only exist within a point of being brainwashed to fear loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value myself and my partner in terms of their appeal as commodities, within the ideal of what would be a ‘valuable’ partner as such values of a person pertain to survival and may increase the chances/likelihood of survival based on their attributes, skills and status and how society values such points and thus how valuable the would be in the eyes of the system and how this would benefit me

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing such a ‘commodity’ as a partner, not realizing that I would not be losing anything but an accessory to my fear of survival

 

And within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play psychological games with myself/with my partner where we compete over who is more valuable and who needs each other more, rather than establishing a relationship of trust based within the principles of mutual consideration as equals as what is best for all, allowing myself to let go of the fear of what I experience as feeling ‘vulnerable’ because I am no longer competing to assert my value and worth within the pursuit and fear of survival in the system – but by embracing what the mind experience as being ‘vulnerable’ I am in fact allowing myself to be stronger than ever by letting go of the fear of loss and fear of others, through stopping the mind as ego and embracing others as myself in giving equal value and consideration to others

 

I compete myself to ensure that my relationship is not a competition, and that all of my relationships with people/interactions are not influence and compromised by this underlying fear of others as the desire to compete as I commit myself to embrace others as myself and always do that which is best for all in giving equal value and consideration to others as myself

 

When and as I see myself entering the fear of loss – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how relationships have become a point of self interest and commodification/control/possession over others, and thus I do not participate in this fear as it arises in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to stop the desire to have other people in my life to serve as commodities to my ego and status wherein I look to associate with others who I see and judge as having value within the eyes of the system – thus I commit myself to judging people based on their value in the eyes of the system as their attributes, skills and status

 

I commit myself to stand as who I am, here as breath in self honesty, despite the fear of loss and in the face of such fears, no matter how intense the energetic experience of fear may be, rather than to instead try and gauge ‘what my chances are to win the game’ or ‘come out on top’ and to try and search for confidence and the ability to direct myself/make choices within evaluating myself and my own worth based on my value/worth in the eyes of the system/as determined by the world system/society – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for self value and confidence to act/direct myself/control my world only based on self definition as mind, and thus I commit myself to embrace the only real value that I have – the value of self as life as breath, here as a physical being with the brief opportunity I have been given to live and realize what life is

 

Day 332: Self projection – reacting towards others

 

During the last 10 months I have been in a relationship, and for most of that time, it has been a long distance relationship. If anyone has done this, or even if not, I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is. Complete trust is already a very difficult thing for most people to establish their relationships, so doing it when you actually have no idea what the other person is doing makes it extra challenging. Although I do know enough to know that a relationship should not be about controlling another – that I should rather first focus on myself in establishing self trust, as that is the real point of importance – this knowledge has not always made the experience easier. There have still been plenty of fears and reactions on my part – this knowledge of the importance of focusing on myself first, and that my fears as my thoughts/reactions about are not to be trusted, has mainly just stopped me from making major decisions based on my reactions, which I am grateful for. I am grateful that I did not allow myself to make a rash decision to end the relationship out of a fear or emotional reaction.

 

Now, being back with my partner for a couple months, I can see just how much of my reactions were simply not real, they were just me reacting. It is fascinating how our reactions to others, how we see them, what we believe of them, what we think is going on with them, has absolutely nothing to do with them, it is just ourselves projecting our shit onto them. It seems that this has just become so habitual that we tend to not see it, we live in a total culture of blame, where our desire to control our reality and others is so engrained, where we have given this desire so much power, belief and validity, that it becomes automatic to see and judge others in our reality in a certain way, so that we can justify what we believe they apparently must be or do.

 

Look at how often there is someone or something in our lives that we become obsessed with that is apparently ‘the enemy’, that is apparently ‘wrong’, that apparently must change – this is a very clever deception of the mind because, sure, we know the world and other people are not perfect, so there is a good likelihood that there are problems that exist ‘out there’ outside of ourselves – but to place focus ‘out there’ outside of ourselves and become obsessive is actually the trap that ensnares us to ensure that we never have any effect in changing anything in our reality. I noticed this pattern for myself in my life, that there is always something to be obsessed with that is apparently ‘the problem in my life’, whether it is a person, thing, circumstance – whatever.

 

So this experience has taught me to not judge or assume that I know what is going on with another, and generally speaking, to not even put the focus/emphasis on another so much, but to rather realize that if I am reacting to another, then that another is just serving as a mirror to show me that it is in fact just me reacting, and that I must investigate myself and why I am reacting, that I must investigate the very point of why I am focusing on another so much in the very first place, when it is myself that requires the most attention from myself. We can only change ourselves and it is through the example we live through completely and unconditionally focusing on being honest with ourselves, forgiving ourselves and correcting ourselves, that we can make a difference in the lives of others.

Day 323: Specifying my interaction with others, part 1

 

Two points to look at for today, which are related: (1) being direct when it comes to moving myself into doing new things/actions that are not preprogrammed and do not necessarily come ‘naturally’ (reading and learning new things, for example), and (2) specifying my interactions with others.

 

The first point came up today when I noticed that I really had to push myself to ‘just go for it’ and ‘jump into’ my school work. I have a habit of setting myself up to do things like school work in my mind (or generally, tasks that don’t always come easy/naturally as they usually involve acquiring new information/doing new things), where I sort of psyche myself up for doing these things – essentially, it is stalling, because usually I end up not going directly into something and rather find distractions, or when I do get into it, I am very indirect, like I am doing it but I am not really ‘here’ – this is most noticeable with reading. This experience due to the thoughts I have about the task, where I project myself forward as doing the task in my mind, so it becomes more of a mental experience, even when I actually do physically engage in it. The solution here obviously being to identify in the moment when I am having these thoughts about what I must do, rather than simply seeing and recognizing directly what must be done, and the simply doing it.

 

The second point, with regards to specifying my actions with others, is doing so within the context of ensuring that my interactions with others are in fact beneficial to accumulating what is best for all – meaning that they have an outcome/result where I actually become a better person within this context. This point is within the greater point of just not wasting the time I have in my life, as it is an easy thing to do with other people, for myself – people can be exciting lol, and so it can be easy to lose sight of what matters/my goals, and difficult to make sure that I am organizing/managing time effectively. This point also came up as part of a consideration within the relationships point. I have written before about the point of ‘the ideal partner’ about how I have defined this ideal in my mind about what kind of partner would please my mind/ego. So the point of specifying my interactions has become relevant within the deception that is this idea of ‘the ideal partner’, where I notice that I often deceive myself and play games with myself, sometimes wondering if I am ‘with the right person’ or ‘if this other person might be better/there might be someone better’ – and within this, I am diverting attention away from me and who I am within relationships. What really matters is who I am, no matter who I am interacting with as it is only me and ‘who I am’ that is able to ensure that the outcome is that which is best for all, and that the interactions taking place with others are specific and worthwhile, as conducive to this goal. So this applies to all forms of relationships, including friendships and families – it is not so much about ‘who the other person is’ but rather who I am and whether or not I am specific and self directive within interaction with others.

 

These points are related in that the first one relates to my interaction with myself: my internal actions that are taking place within me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – my relationship with myself – that determine my external actions as my living application. So this word ‘interaction’ is indeed an interesting one as it is generally used in referring to participating with others, as the ‘inter’ refers to ‘who I am’ internally, which determines my living action when I am with others.

 

I will continue in the next blog with self forgiveness and self corrective statements as specific and livable (practical) guidelines for this point.

Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life