Tag Archives: receive

Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

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Day 252: Giving to receive

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Today I was quite irritated. It was not a nice experience. Fucked up my whole day and made it difficult to concentrate on work. I retraced by steps and tried to see how it all started – drawing from both recent memory/experiences and also long term memory/experiences from things that happened to me way back in my life which have had an effect on the person I am today and how I view things.

The irritation was based on a point of feeling ‘unfulfilled’ – like I just was not satisfied. But it had to do with the behavior of another, where I had blamed another for this experience of being unsatisfied. When in fact it was me who created this experience through desiring to have a particular kind of experience with this person in the first place, by having certain expectations and desires about this person and my experience with them. Wanting to experience something positive. It is fascinating how through our desire to create a positive experience, we actually create the exact opposite – or maybe we do create the positive experience for a time, but then set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment through setting this experience as the new standard which we then impose and expect to be met, and the expectation isn’t met. 

Not only this, but by living in such a way where we impose these expectations on others/our reality, we end up getting imposed on the same way. Eventually it just turns in a bunch of relationships where everyone is just using each other for the experience they want. When someone brings us this experience, we play favorites with them and then they are apparently the people that we like’ or ‘love’ and all of a sudden we have given this person an ‘added value’, where they are all of a sudden ‘special’ or ‘more important’ than other people – but it’s not hard to look around at our world and see how these ‘special’ relationships always end up: in disappointment, anger, bitterness and resentment. We then distance ourselves and try to avoid those people who do not bring us such an experience.

It does not make sense to live this way. What matters is to see past the current circumstance we live in, because this world is not an equal playing ground and thus we have driven by a systematized way of living of having ‘friends and enemies’ based on how people suit our wants, needs and desires. Is this really a fair way to regard others, given the fact that no one really has control over where they are born, what their conditions are and thus whether or not they are able to be ‘of worth’ to others or not?

Sometimes it is difficult to understand why others do not live up to our expectations, when it seems like such a simple thing to us to do so – but it is necessary to again recognize that this world is not an equal playing ground and thus while it might come of ease for some to be of greater service/value to others, it may be extremely difficult for others to be of such service/value based on the little value/service they were given in life.

Sometimes we forget our privilege and what comes naturally to us as ‘respect’ and ‘caring for others’ does not come as easily for some others. Living a life of value should thus be measure by what we are able to give to others – not what we are able to take – because those who are in a position to give receive the greatest reward and fulfillment that is beyond any kind of material reward or feeling of reward. Conversely, those who are limited in what they can give and do for others are those who suffer the most because it is only a reflection of what they have been given and thus even a reflection of what they give to themselves. 

The real mistake that I had made was giving to receive. Giving with the expectation that giving will always be equal in form – how can it be equal in form, when again, I am able to give more than others may be able to, due to the advantages I was born into in this life? Giving should thus not be measured in such a way. Giving should be unconditional. Giving should not be about having an expectation of some kind of return, even if the return is feeling good about ourselves for the fact that we gave – giving can only exist within the framework of our understanding and education, as a reflection of ourselves that we understand the very real circumstances which I have outlined, that plague and haunt our relationships and interactions. In other words, giving should only be the common sense recognition of sharing of ourselves that which is required to be shared to assist and support others where assistance and support is required. If we start splitting hairs about who gives more, or who we should give to and who not to give to, or which form of giving is right or wrong – we will never make any real progress, and rather still allow ourselves to be limited to and enslaved by the conditions that we are born into, which we have inherited from those who went before us.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give out of the desire to receive, to want to have a particular kind of positive energetic experience, and that I have allowed myself to disappoint myself through such a desire, in wanting/expecting a positive experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define giving within a moral context as ‘being right’ to give and quantify it as apparently, the more you give, the better you are – not taking into consideration that those who are able to give more are only able to do so because they are born into a world system where they are set up in such a way that they are always taking more, and never questioning the inequality and injustice that makes thiefs look good and charitable

We do this at a massive scale, for instance in western countries whose wealth is built on generations of abuse and manipulation, and then we come as saviors to the places who have been rendered destitute by such corruption

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that giving is simply a recognition of the reality of this world and that within such an understanding it may be necessary to support/direct/assist certain points, and that this is to in no way be defined by pre-existent conditions of identity/self definition

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have limited and defined giving/caring/support to certain forms that I express and within this, believing that if this exact same form/action is not reciprocated, that I am not being cared for/respected/supported/given to, not realizing that I am being self righteous in defining giving/caring/support to what which I am able to do, putting myself on a pedestal as being apparently superior 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give to/support/care for others unconditionally, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play favorites with those who I support/give to through defining them as special, based on how much I believe they may be able to give to me

I commit myself to give unconditionally as a recognition of what is necessary to be done to assist/support others, in whatever form is necessary, and to whomever necessary – even and especially if it is me what requires to give to me, so that I can then be more effective in giving to/supporting others

I commit myself to stop giving only to receive as having secret desires to receive as my starting point to receive, and to stop creating expectations for myself to be fulfilled, which always lead to disappointment

When and as I see myself trying to create a positive experience with others – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand this tendency to give within a morality context of trying to make a ‘positive experience’ for myself and the other, and how this is will only lead to disappointment as the giving is still based in desire and self interest, under the guise of morality – and this I do not participate in my desire to create this kind of experience and give in this way, as it arises in my thoughts/feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/experiencing myself as if I am not being given to/cared for/loved/supported and thus experiencing a point of disappointment/anger/frustration – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand how this is a reflection of how I have not in fact given of myself to myself and others, through acting from a starting point of desire, and how I have set myself up for this disappointment – and thus I do not allow/participate on such thoughts/feelings/emotions, but rather give myself the support through breath and writing to see why I am experiencing myself in such a way and what exactly it is that I have created as a desire for myself, and how I have sabotaged myself through giving from a starting point of wanting to take/receive