Tag Archives: process

Day 340: Writing as a tool

 

In the past I had kind of a mystical idea about writing self forgiveness. It made complete sense to me to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allow myself to be and become as I could see that what I had become did not serve me and was not really who I was, but was just an idea of who I am and how I should live that I copied from my society and those who came before me, in order to fit in and survive. But when I would do self forgiveness, aside from understanding what needed to be forgiven, I had vague idea about it, like if I just wrote the forgiveness then there would be this magical shift within myself where suddenly all of my desires and habits would just stop and I would just sort of magically change. I did not see the importance of being specific in exactly how that self forgiveness would be lived in real time.

 

My self forgiveness was impractical and that is what I am focusing on at the moment – making sure that writing is a self directive tool, akin to how, for instance, a scientist may use writing as a tool in his process of discovery and testing things out. The scientist will observe what is going on and then take notes so he can understand the habits/qualities/properties etc. of something, then will attempt and try different things to try and achieve whatever it is he is trying to achieve, but in that process, will use writing along the way to script and outline what he is going to do, and also to write about the effectiveness of it, what worked and what didn’t, why it did or didn’t work etc.

 

The same thing applies to my writing in my process. Yes, sometimes I will write blogs on general points that give general insights or perspectives or stories on certain points, but for myself, in being practical in moving forward in my process, remember what this process is all about in the first place: changing myself to live a life that is best for me and all life, so that I can practically correct myself and live life anew, it is crucial that I use writing effectively in real time: that means to write about real events, to write about the actual thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience, to outline, point by point, what are the mental processes that unfolded so that when the same point arises, I can see the point and ‘stop the mind in it’s tracks’ as these same habitual mental processes unfold.

 

I remember someone once pointing out to me that I can’t even remember all the thoughts I had yesterday, and it was true, and I didn’t necessarily see the relevance of this (other than the obvious point of how oblivious/controlled I am), which he then pointed out to me: that that would be self honest. To actually remember, is an act of self honesty – not ignoring what transpired and what happened that formed who I am now and what I do/how I behave now, so actually see and understand what created me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be impractical in my use of writing, believing that if I simply write and do self forgiveness, then things will just magically change and be better, within defining such acts as simply ‘good’ without considering how the point of writing must be a practical tool to identify and forgive patterns, and then script exactly how I would walk the process of change practically in real time, and to use writing to directly support and facilitate this process

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not utilize writing as a specific tool to support myself and direct myself and establish my self change in walking my process, then there is no point in writing at all, as I would then be justifying my mistakes through the belief that I am doing something good and changing while no actual practical change is taking place

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with who I am and what I have become as all of the mistakes that I make and everything that is wrong with me, and judge myself because of this, and that within being overwhelmed, I attempt to try and deal with everything at once, and become unspecific and vague and too broad in my writing, and that I have not allowed myself to stop, breathe, and give myself patience and time to deal with myself one point at a time, within the certainty and commitment of applying myself every day to make progress, point by point in effectiveness, until it is done

 

I commit myself to ensure that my writing is effective in taking on one point at a time, and working with the actual points as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience in my daily living so that I can investigate what has transpired, how it played out, and thus how I can correct myself practically the next time such a point arises in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to write with self direction and specificity

 

I commit myself to not try and take on too many points at a time and look at a point too broadly, and simply work with what is here as my inner experiences of the mind, as I see, realize and understand that I now have the tools to practically do so with effectiveness, and commit myself to walk this process and walk through the resistance that I may experience to utilizing such tools

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Day 309: Re-defining ignorance, part 1

 

 

Like all living words, when lived and applied in a way that is best for all life, any word can have it’s usefulness. Here I would like to look at the word ignore/ignorance.

 

In the past I had used it as a defense mechanism, both passive and passive-aggressive – and so this word was useless and quite destructive to my life. ‘Passive’, meaning to simply ignore the things that matter, so that I can just remain in self interest and focus only on what I believe pleases me. To remain dumb and uneducated, unaware and disconnected, believing that this somehow serves me. The ‘passive-aggressive’ side of ignorance is more of an act in situations where I may observe something that troubles me, that I don’t like, that I react to, and within this, go into an expression of spitefulness as ignoring the person or thing that I observe/experience this way – a way of saying ‘fuck you’ without actually saying it – basically abandoning something. I had done this because I feared that which I observed and within fearing it, judged it and defined it/the person as being that which I observed, believing that this is all it/the person will ever be, and thus the ‘fight or flight’ system is engaged, fight and flight essentially being one and the same through the act of saying ‘fuck you’ by ignoring.

 

So the point is to never abandon a person and ex-communicate, and even hold a grudge, as people so often do when there are hard times and conflict or traumatic experiences. And yet, there are moments where the best way to support an individual s to leave them to their own devices for a moment – but with the faith that if I stand absolute in equality to this person and do not judge, that I will remain here, stable and constant in my standing with open arms, the person will inevitably eventually come to a point of understanding/realization, and our time will finally come to coexist and share the gift that we both are as life.

 

This is a massive point, I deal with it a lot in my interpersonal relationships and realize that this extends to pretty much all my relationships in my life. We are all in different points of understanding in our process, we resist change, we are stuck in habits that are, quite frankly destructive and evil – and yet this is just illusion from the perspective of the fact that we are simply lost, we are brainwashed, it is not who we really are as life. All illusions end eventually.

 

In fear and judgment of what we have become, the tendency is to want to try and control – but that tendency is only birthed from a fear we have created of ourselves within the awareness that our own standing, self forgiveness and self corrective application are not absolute. The fear can be strong, because of course there is some pretty wicked shit out there that we observe people living out. We sometimes call this attempt at controlling others/that which we observe in the outside world ‘love’ or ‘caring’ – but that is a self righteous excuse to continue this pattern of judgment, fear and control, which is in effect, useless and just keeps the cycle going. The hardest thing to do is to focus on self absolutely and stand so absolutely that nothing in our exterior world will shake us from our foundation of life.

 

After writing this last paragraph, I stepped away from my computer for a moment and realized something about the last paragraph that I wrote is actually pertains to a side effect, of what I realized is the main point in fact: living the word ‘ignore’ in a way that is real is more with regard to this overall tendency to react that I have mentioned – when thoughts in the mind that are judgmental, reactionary and fearful arise. And here I am not saying: ignorance is bliss. Hell no. All thoughts and inner experiences that we have require attention, they are here, they influence us, we can not deny them and to ignore their existence in the traditional sense (the ‘passive ignoring’ I mentioned) is foolish. Rather, to ignore effectively would be to simply recognize such inner experiences for what they are, and to not act on them and giving into the temptation to follow them, no matter how strong the fear or self doubt may appear. It would be to step back for a moment, breathe, and give ourselves the ‘breathing room’ that will only then enable us to begin to look at these experiences more effectively, deconstruct them and direct ourselves effectively. This takes practices, because it is like we are addicted to our minds/fears, the trust in our own illusions runs deep.

 

I will continue to practical self forgiveness and self corrective statement sin the next blog.

Day 298: Removing energetic attachments to process

http://andrewsdesteniiprocess.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/its-time-to-stop-carrying-the-past-investigate-self-with-desteni-i-process-resize.jpg

 

Currently I am on holiday and am getting a bit of a break from all the stimulation of being engaged in the matrix – work, school, friends, family etc. – so I am able to just come to my computer and write out points as they come up. On three separate occasions I ended up writing about the same essential point, which is process itself (my process of self change through self forgiveness and self corrective application).

 

The first writing was with regards to the positive/negative relationship that I have developed with process, where I allow my process to be limited and controlled by energetic charges, still trying to get some form of stimulation within my process and justify the stimulation as being necessary and real through the belief that this is how I must move myself, that there can only be self/movement as progress in my process if it is energy based:

 

on the ‘negative side’: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be intense in order to affect change, meaning that I must use some kind of energy such as anger or vengefulness or contempt as my motivation for affecting change, not realizing that within such a starting point I am only existing as energy and thus change is not real but rather just another way to get energy and live/experience myself as a high, as the mind is so insidious and tricky that it will justify this kind of behavior as rational and good because apparently it makes some kind of change happen, when this is not in fact so

 

on the positive side: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘be in a good place’ mentally where I feel good and satisfied before I can work on myself/my process/affect any kind of change, or that things must be perfect in my life or everything has to ‘be right’ or that I must have certain wants/demands met before I allow myself to work on myself and affect any real change, believing that I need or require to be stimulated into some kind of positive experience as the experience of positive energy to be able to move myself, as this is just another way for the mind to justify getting what it wants under the guise of ‘doing something good/positive’

 

I commit myself to not move myself in my process according to energy as positive/negative feelings and to no longer depend on energy for self movement, but rather to breathe through energy and not act on it, even if it is presenting itself/justifying itself as being ‘for the better’/’for change’, I do not follow such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply breathe through the energy

 

the second entry:

 

process doesn’t ‘feel good’ for the mind because in essence you are constantly correcting and disproving the mind, and the mind as ego doesn’t like to be wrong – what is then experienced as being ‘hurt’ and ‘unpleasant’ is actually allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as the point is then opened up once the illusions of my mind are shattered, which is experienced as this perception of ‘feeling hurt’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in process by existing within/as the desire for positive energy wherein I place the condition on my living/application that process must ‘feel good’ as an energetic experience, within the belief that good feelings are what is important in life and that process as self improvement/change should somehow be a positive feeling experience – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make this association and within it, stop myself when facing points that I experience as ‘difficult’ or ‘being hurt’, especially in contrast to this belief, and within this not realizing that the bad feelings, which are essentially just a form of fearing change/tricking myself into not changing, is not real and just another trick of the mind experienced as ‘feeling hurt’/’feeling wronged’ by another, and I no longer allow myself to use this justification as self sabotage/self limitation as I see, realize and understand that this energy is not real but just the mind not wanting to accept the truth and lose illusions, unwilling to accept this experience of ‘being hurt’ and unwilling to support myself to breathe through this experience and keep moving

 

I commit myself to, in the moment that I am experiencing negative energy as the experience of being ‘hurt’ by others/’having my feelings hurt’, to stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is a trick of the mind as ego to stop self from moving forward through the justification that I don’t want to have negative experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to breathe through such experiences as they are not real, and just the mind fearing to lose itself/lose illusions – and thus when I experience this, I stop the fear through breath and keep moving in humbleness and humility

 

third entry:

 

feeling ‘stumped’ investigating words: I was not able to tell whether or not the word ‘process’ carried a positive energetic charge – but when I ‘talk it out’, it is like ‘of course it is good, how could process ever not be good?’ and then I realized ‘well, it is difficult as hell sometimes and not experienced as good!’ – so already I am seeing here how the word can easily get polarized – I also see how in looking at how I view this word, I was actually just trying to view it again, rather than looking at my actual experience of it, meaning: how am I living this word? How am I experiencing it n real time? And this is where reality sets in: I experience process as all kinds of things – specifically, I experience it positively as an idea in the mind, because process is like, awesome, right? lol. And then in reality I experience it as difficult and arduous. So the arithmetic here is quite simple. I am creating the negative experience in reality through the positive experience/definition that I have created within/as the mind – process requires no positive connotation/energetic charge, because after all, process is just common sense. It is who I am and the process of self discovery wherein I remove the layers of systems that limit me and see who I really am – and thus process can in reality carry no positive connotation because it is simply who I am – and thus if I am to live process for real, no connotations/positive energetic charges may be allowed to exist

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have given process/applying myself in process a positive energetic charge/connotation as I see, realize and understand that my process is an expression of who I really am and simple, obvious common sense as the necessity to express myself as who I really am

 

Thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe where and when I see myself defining/believing/judging process to be a ‘good thing’/positive thing as if it were some kind of tool/commodity for the mind/ego, as I see, realize and understand the common sense of process and that if I continue doing it from a starting point of believing that it is good/positive, I am in fact making process more difficult to effect in my reality because I believe it will be fun (as the mind experience fun as energy) when in fact it is just straightforward physical work/application and carries no energetic charge, and thus I am simply setting myself up for disappointment as this experience will feel negative in contrast to the positive experience that I created in the mind which I then believe/expect process to be – I stop all judgments of process as they arise as my thoughts

Day 296: Self monitoring and the observer

 

I have been a very competitive person for a very long time. Whatever I did in life, I wanted to be the best. My success was always measured in how others were not as good as me, apparently. If I found that I could not be the best at something, I would likely stop competing and look for another way to be the best. This has sabotaged me greatly in my process. I mean it has compromised everything about my daily living and my self response-ability to life, where everything just becomes a competition that is about me winning – even what I consider ‘doing right’ as being one who is actively engaging their process. It makes it extremely difficult to establish real self trust and self honesty because I become uncertain as to whether intentions are truly what is best for all, or what is best for me, through expecting that taking actions that are best for all will somehow reflect well on me.

 

Well, fortunately I have found out that it doesn’t – very few people actually seem to care about what is best for all life and the few people who are impressed by one who appears to be a ‘good person’ is really just impressed and excited because maybe it means there is a chance that you will be easier to take advantage of than the next person.

 

As my process unfolds and I tend to learn from consequences of operating under false pretenses such as this one, it is becoming much more of a common sense, practical living application – instead of a ‘great big idea’. There is nothing special about process and the more that is understood, the more effective I am able to be. The more I am able to understand the practical common sense outflows of the decisions I make, the more I am able to direct myself in simplicity and directness.

 

So, often times within this whole point I have had a tendency to ‘want to figure things out’ – to ‘get it done’, like, almost instantly – this is how the mind works because it tends to never factors in practical physical reality. It is like I never want to make a mistake or reveal that I am flawed. Within this starting point, I have become pre-emptive – like I am actually looking for points to deal with, but in fact what I am doing is looking for points to react to. Here writing this, I now see that this implies how I have always assumed that my movement and action in live must be within some context of reacting to something. Within this point of reaction there is no real self movement or self direction – fear is just the sole motivator. Or is that soul motivator?

 

I received some support on this point recently – although the support was somewhat indirect and I did not necessarily see it at the time – in the video “Losing a Moment of Inspiration – Losing a Part of Self” – I suggest to watch it, even if it does not seem relevant or the insight doesn’t register immediately, as it did not for me.

 

Within this whole point of competition ad wanting to be the best, making almost over-zealous, looking for points about myself to react t and deal with, I notice that the tendency is to look at points through the mind and to trust the mind within this observing. Even sitting down to write, it is like I will scan the mind for stuff to write about, like asking the mind: “what is relevant here?” – so I am in essence trying to solve the problem with the problem. This was the point raised in the video where we tend to try to look at our insights and the things we notice about ourselves, only through the mind!

 

So what I am seeing here is the importance of this process being a physically lived/applied process – not that this information is new to me lol. But it’s application certainly is. It is as if I have trusted the mind so much that I fear to allow myself ti simply sit down and write, here in the moment, simply expressing myself naturally here, physically, without any ideas or expectations. As long as I am still referencing the mind, no change will be possible, no matter how seemingly noble my intent may be.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in referencing the mind as to what is important/relevant in my process/life, and that I have allowed myself to be motivated and driven only by fear, living in a reactive state – thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and live the understanding that all that exist in the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions are of no real substance, support, and are not trustworthy, but are rather just indicators of my own twisted creation called the mind which does not deal with things in real reality but only in the mental reality where the mind always wants to win, and I commit myself to live with the understanding that no thought, feeling or emotion can ever be trusted but are merely experiences that may be explored through self writing as a physical act, here in the moment, which are the key to understanding myself and what is beyond the limitations of the mind if I allow myself to let go of the fear of living without the mind.

Day 291: Resistance and writing no matter what


Lately I have had a lot of resistance to writing and it has accumulated over time to the point where I had found it very difficult to even just sit down and write again. From some of the progress I have made through writing in the past, I can see that I have set a kind of standard for myself that is very high – in terms of the quality of my insights and the way they are articulated – to the point where writing as a mere self support tool, where I am still ranting and raving about things and getting to know myself, has been left by the wayside. It is a constant challenge in process because as long as we are in process, we should be humbled, and that is a difficult thing for the mind as ego to accept – it latches onto even this point of trying to change myself for the better to make it some kind of personal competition.

One of the biggest resistances I have had to writing in my process is the point of giving up stimulation – moments that I feel like they are my own, where I can do what I want and be selfish and just do things which I believe pleasure me. This resistance to give up these moments becomes extra difficult with process because within process, I am facing myself – there is nowhere to run and hide and I have to actually face and direct that which I am dealing with on a daily basis – effectively! Sometimes the day can seem so tough, the reactions can seem so vivid that the last thing I feel like doing is writing about them. Within living in a way which is reactionary, I am a slave to my reactions and have this experience of being a slave, of having to do all kinds of things in my daily life which I don’t want to do – but it is not really about doing those things, it is about who I am within doing those things, as a reactive being.

I can also see how experiences wherein I used the ego to ‘hype’ the idea of changing/becoming better has deterred me, where I followed a pattern of getting motivated, having that energy fade when things get difficult or I fall or miss a point, and then from that failure, being disappointed and discouraged, and not persevering through this experience, but rather, turning towards the positive – old habits of ‘positive stimulation’ which are really just coping mechanisms and escapes. I have failed to neglect and employ the real positive of getting down to supporting myself as necessary. Resistance is a point that it seems I will be dealing with for quite a long time, so it is best to get to know this point intimately.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully investigate the point of basic resistance, within the belief that old coping systems will suffice and that I can postpone facing the inevitability of having to stand, walk and support myself in actions

I commit myself to investigate the basic point of resistance as I experience without shame, self judgment and expectations of myself, but rather to simply walk the point as a way of supporting myself through getting to know myself, in all it’s detail

I commit myself to daily writing no matter what – without any preconceived ideas or expectations – but simply as a self expression, here alone as unconditional self support

Day 291: Self Forgiveness from March 27, 2014

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a ‘picture-perfect’ ideal of a woman will satisfy me and make me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to possess beauty and to treat beauty like a commodity to be attained

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘what I want’ in a woman based on the selfish desire to have power, control and commodities, and not based in what will support me to be the best man I can be as a man who cares for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so controlled by my selfish desire for a good life and the fear of failure that I will just look for nice things that make me feel happy and forget about others and only consider myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear another person, like for example my partner in my relationship, becoming selfish and controlled by their own desire for happiness and success and will forget me in this process – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to understand that my fear of another person doing this to me is in fact a fear about myself doing it to others, and that the only way to stop this fear is to ‘treat others how I want others to treat me’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate sexual desires with people who present images of beauty

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and influenced by images of ‘beautiful people’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that when I make beauty into a commodity that I desire, I will want to experience this beauty because I fear loss, I fear to not be loved and I fear to be alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and to fear not being loved by another

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not love myself, I can not love another and that if I desire to have love from others because I do not love myself, I will be weak because I my want for love will be more important than others and my need for love will stop me from loving myself and others

Day 284: Focusing on other people

This post is just a few self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of desiring an experience of comfort/escape/security through not being alone, and being in contact with others, focusing on others. The problem with this is that if the living of others can make you feel these positive feelings, then the living of others can also influence me negatively, if there is for instance something about their living which I can not accept because I see it as a problem. So it is fascinating how through the desire for an experience of comfort and security, we end up creating the opposite experience of uneasiness and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time within the belief/justification that “I am tired” or “I need a break” – as I realize how deceptive the mind is in getting oneself to believe that it is necessary to stop and stagnate and not initiate self movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my process is dependent on the process of others – and within this, fearing the fact that others are not actively engaging in process, and fearing having to engage them eventually inevitably when there may be some kind of disagreement or perceived differences – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear is in fact just a fear of myself not being directive enough to be as effective as possible in my process, and that I am only projecting myself as this fear and thus the solution is to stop all fear/judgment/projection of others and simply move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process – as all things – is always experienced alone, by oneself alone – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can run away and escape by utilizing others as a way of generating energy and having some kind of higher experience of myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the key to life and enjoying myself and security and being happy, is being around/with others and being in agreement with others in all things, that I have allowed myself to believe that another can save me or make me happy

I commit myself to direct myself effectively here as breath in moments where I desire to stagnate and do what is not practical within the justification/belief that I must rest or I have ‘free time’

I commit myself to, when and and as I see myself projecting myself onto others – to stop, breathe and direct myself to simply STOP and note the point immediately so I can bring it back to myself and my own life, when I have a moment to write about it – as I see, realize and understand that all concerns/judgments of this nature are always about self, and about the fear of others which is in fact the fear of how I am existing and that the desire to worry about others and focus on them is another trick of the mind to not have me direct myself and look at myself

I commit myself to direct myself as what is necessary to be done in my process in focusing on me and doing what I must do to support and direct myself, and to stop the fear of others misunderstanding/reacting badly to this

I commit myself to focus on me here in sorting myself out, and to no longer use others as some kind of ‘nice feeling safety net’ where I can escape through being with others and focusing on others, or even believing that I am sharing my process with others – that is again how tricky my mind is