Tag Archives: progress

Day 322: Wasting a moment

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Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?

 

I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.

 

Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.

 

This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all

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Day 241: Real progress in a real process

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It is important in this process to not get ‘too’ comfortable, because after all, process is about making progress, but we have this tendency to want to look back on our progress, give ourselves a pat on the back, and then use that feeling to justify stagnation. It is important to push oneself to be proactive and not pretend as if ‘everything is OK’ – no matter how many ways there may be which we can justify that. Within such a point, we are only fooling ourselves and consequence always comes.

It is important to understand: that which we accept and allow ourselves to be and do, is that which we accept and allow others to be and do – we are giving that permission simultaneously. That which we allow others to be and do is always then a reflection of what we accept and allow of ourselves. This is being show to us in our world, everyday, we just choose not to see it, and even if we are currently unable to see it, we tend to choose to never find out.

So it is important that this process equates to progress: real change, not just making our lives better for a moment as the quick fix we are so used to employ. It is important to make sure one’s application in process is really dealing with the pertinent points that require attention and real solutions, that it is self-directed. How much of our daily lives are actually self directed, and how much of it is just us doing the stuff we are accustomed to normally doing, or just doing/focusing on the things we like doing that make us feel nice – that is not self direction, that is dependency and influence.

The problem with getting out of this and getting real about self change is that it is something we have never actually done before, it feels alien, if you could even give it a feeling-name, I mean it is beyond feeling alien – we just don’t know until we do it. It seems impossible for this reason.

But did you know, that you can be the best support that you could ever get for yourself? Did you know, that it is really not so scary to let go of the dependency of other people and things to validate/recognize you? That it is not really so bad to let go of the idea that you need others to love you and give you attention to fulfill you? Not only is it not so bad – it is a relief. A relief from chasing after something that you can never get, and that never completely satisfies you anyway. Did you know that there is a point of fulfillment that is far beyond what we have ever defined as fulfillment? It is yourself – but only through self honesty and facing that which we have become and are currently living, can we move beyond it into a new existence where no fear and desire as personal weakness can ever exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be absolute in self direction due to the fear of loss that manifest itself as thought, each and every single time that I am facing the opportunity to apply myself and support myself

I commit myself to direct myself and work to ensure that I am taking on points in my process effectively and that this is my main priority, to ensure that actual progress is being made, and that I am not falling into the trapping of creating a pattern of actions that don’t equate to real self change, so that ever day truly is a new day, and every breath truly is well spent, and I am in fact becoming a better person  

Day 193: Improving my performance at work


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job due to not performing up to expectations, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to fear losing my job due to lack of performance implies that I do not believe that I am capable of performing up to standard or doing what it takes to learn how to perform up to standard

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others such as my boss or students when my ego is hurt because I am challenged for something being inadequate which must be improved or corrected – not realizing that this is in fact an opportunity to improve myself if I allow myself to be humble and let go of the fear of not being perceived as perfect

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to present myself to others as perfect

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to question others around me/my situation/my world, in terms of them being ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘not dependable’, simply because I fear change/looking at myself/being challenged/being exposed, and within this believing that my success and experience is dependent fully on where I am/my situation/others around me, not realizing that it is me that determines who I am and thus what my experience is in a particular environment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to push others to realize their own potential in terms of gently finding ways to impulse them and sometimes being patient with them – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘they are not capable/they don’t want to do it/if I make them, they will not like me’ to justify my own giving up on my effort to encourage and prompt my students

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form opinions about teaching and learning in a scramble to defend my ego because I feel threatened and thus my survival comes into question at a subconscious level

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, worrying about what I will only DO to improve my experience at work, not realizing that my experience/performance is based on who I am, both inside and outside of work and thus to improve my experience/performance at work I must improve the person I am as my habits and behavior outside of work as the two points are not mutually exclusive – I am the same person no matter where I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it will be too boring if I only have conversation at my work with my students, not realizing that just because my initial efforts to do conversation are slow and quiet, does not mean that it will continue this way and that even if it is to improve, the only way is to push the point and insist on speaking and explaining the things necessary to speak

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my students/not put in the work to encourage them to speak – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am projecting myself onto them as the belief that they are not capable, as my own self belief of not being capable because there is an element of the unknown in trying, with no certain outcome – and yet if I give up, there is a certain outcome of failure – and thus I do not participate in the desire to give up and the justifications I have made for it as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – rather I direct myself here from a starting point of breath as silence and embrace the unknown within the certainty of self movement in any situation, with any interaction, and any participant

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others and justify my inadequate performance – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is in fact me wanting to resist improving myself and having a better experience of myself – and thus I do not participate in my desires to resist change and criticism as my thoughts, feelings and emotions which seek to justify why I am right and others are wrong

I commit myself to improve my teaching experience and let go of the belief that if I really put effort into every moment, that it will apparently be difficult and draining

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that putting effort into every moment will be draining and compensate for this by using personality/characters to try and please others, not realizing that the reverse of this is true; that putting real effort in as self movement is easy and that compensating with personalities/characters within fear and inferiority as the belief that ‘I can’t do it’ is in fact difficult draining

I commit myself to be the best teacher possible within the terms of what is expected of me as a teacher and to put the real effort in to do this, and to stop compensating with efforts that are based in using my personality/characters to try and make the situation better by manipulating feelings, thus even if I am not sure what to do to improve my situation and do what is expected of me, I commit myself to find out what exactly is expected of me