Day 341: Integrity within relationships

 

If you’ve read some of my blogs, you may have noticed that relationships have been a prevalent point for me in my process of self change – the more I open up this point, the more I see how much it has limited my self expression.

 

Due to some fucked up experiences I had as a youngster, and coming from a divorced family, I have polarized my relationships extensively, living in a world of ‘good and bad’ relationships and people, where I’ve become longing for relationships and closeness with other human beings, while being paranoid and jaded about relationships at the same time. What I had never learned how to do was to remain stable, here, within and as breath, wherein I trust who I am and how I have defined myself within my reality, so that no matter what is going on with other people around me, I will always direct myself in a way that is best for all. What others do and how they behave is out of my control, but what I can do is to not participate in this game of love/hate that we play with ourselves, which then become projections onto others in the form of conflict emerging in our relationships. This is how wars start – it always takes two to tango, and until we learn to disengage ourselves and diffuse the situation, it will continue.

 

From a young age we learn that we need others, but when we have experiences where we feel others fail us or we are betrayed, this is where the paranoia and distrust is seeded. Too many times I have gone through the experience of seeking out others for positive relationships, only to end up disappointed and then moving to the opposite polarity: get away from people – yeah, that’s the solution!

 

Not really. Not only do we humans need each other, but if we can learn to actually understand and value each other as equals, we can really make this world an awesome place for everyone. The problem is that in seeking out others from a starting point of fearing loss, of fearing that without some kind of positive energetic experience within a relationship that we will be doomed, we end up creating what we fear. Within such a desire, I realized, it is as though I had already accepted tacitly that the natural state of relationships in life is one of failure, and thus, I must control things in every way possible to ensure the relationship is a positive experience, and that way it will work out somehow. But that really isn’t recognizing relationships for what they really are as an intrinsic part of who we are as human beings.

 

We will always be in relationships of one kind or another, that is inescapable – the question rather then simply who are we within our relationships? Do we fear loss and desire control? Or are we real – real with ourselves first in who we are, what our starting point is and what we’re all about? Are we real in not approaching relationships with fears that create secret desires and ulterior motives? Are we real within relationships that we have the integrity to not give into our fears, and rather face them and forgive them so that the relationship remains honest? Are we real enough to maintain that integrity to not deceive others out of our fear of loss, even if they may be playing the same game and want to be deceived with the same kind of fear-of-loss-based relationship? Many do not even realize they are playing this game and how artificial their relationships have become, and who they are within them that would have them use each other just to feel better about themselves and subside these underlying fears/issues by creating appearance of a positive experience/interaction with others, and you may find, when you get real, that this isn’t ‘good enough’. To be real, we are going to have to decide, with real specificity and self honesty, what is ‘good enough’.

 

It is possible to have real relationships where the commitment to life as what is best for all in equality is ‘good enough’ – but first we have to recognize such a point and stand by it with steadfastness, commitment and resolve before we can ever expect for others to recognize it

Day 324: What is really important in my life?

Recently I find myself having an experience of weariness, I have grown weary of my life, about some aspect of the way I am living. Identifying this experience of ‘weariness’ (which is kind of like a form of being bored/having grown disinterested) is important because I can see that this is what leads to the experience of me wanting to escape my reality. The tendency to escape started a long time ago, for the same reasons: there was something about my life (perhaps many things) that I was dissatisfied with, and not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to direct myself and not having any tools to support myself with – and having many options presented to me as ways that I can escape my reality, like TV, relationships, games etc. – I resorted to escaping my reality. Eventually these escapes would become addictions habits which become extremely difficult to break. But it all started with this experience of being ‘fed up’ and unsatisfied with my life.

So now here I am recognizing this point again and the subsequent desire to escape reality. My dissatisfaction with ‘life’ is really self dissatisfaction. This is because I know that so many things I have become focused on in life are really not important, they are superficial, selfish and self-serving, and really make no difference in the ‘bigger picture’ of life. Maybe it is not normal to be dissatisfied with ‘having a regular life’ – to be bored with living a life of self-interest where my main focus is just surviving, entertaining myself and keeping myself happy – maybe it is not normal to want to focus on the world around me and want to make it a better place – but to just survive becomes really boring – in fact, my survival on this earth is virtually guaranteed, and having already busied myself with massive amounts of entertainment in my life, I can’t help but feel like I am just wasting my life away if I don’t do something more, try something radically different. I mean, to just live a life pursuing my own happiness and thrills: is this really all there is? This is not to mention that in a world that is based on the cut-throat principle competition and ‘winner takes all’, my happiness is having to come at the expense of others, and I have to subscribe to this game where I am living in constant fear and spitefulness towards my fellow man, always trying to get ahead and be the winner. I’m tired of this.

And yet I fear loss. I fear that if I change my living, that if I stop participating in this game, where all my relationships are just ways where we stimulate each others ego’s and help each other try and feel good about ourselves and win this big game called ‘the human race’, where all my entertainment just serves to make me feel good by playing on my insecurities or excite me based on my suppressed fears. I fear that others will misunderstand because in fact: to be a better person and make a difference in the world requires a great degree of integrity and hard work, and it is the kind of work that gets no attention, no recognition or praise, because the only kind of work that seems to get any recognition in this world is the kind of work that appeals to peoples ego’s, to people’s self interest. To do what is best for all life is not an example that appeals to any-one because it is work that is not designed in the best interest of only the one person – it is best for all – and so no one ego will be stimulated and excited by this. I mean being stimulated into excitement by something is always ego, and as I write this I wonder how few people even understand what I am saying.

I fear to walk ‘the road less traveled’ because pleasing people, following the crowd and getting attention from others by stimulating their ego and living as my own ego are things that I have associated with success and being successful. It takes a great deal of humbleness to simply do the work that will make the world a better place. The work will largely go unnoticed and this is unnerving for me because from a very young age I have associated success with ‘getting noticed’. And yet, this is not necessarily the case at all – this is the version of success that we are brainwashed with in the media as popularity and ‘stardom’. To simply ‘set my nose to the grindstone’, put my head down and do the work that has to be done, and give up all forms of stimulation, of desiring attention – will be a great challenge that will not come without resistance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ‘my life’ and accepting the truth about life: that life is not ‘mine’ – life is not a commodity to be owned, gained, acquired and competed for, where I focus only on my own pleasure and personal gain which I experience as ego/mind as being stimulated/excited into feelings of happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to let go of my life as my own self interest and to live a life that is best for all is the only thing that will give me any real satisfaction and wholeness: where I am fulfilled because I no longer live for the insatiable void that is created by existing in self interest, and happiness/fulfillment is no longer experienced as an energetic experience, because I accept myself as whole/fulfilled/enough, by living the statement of being satisfied/having enough, by living in humbleness and shifting my priorities so that they are aligned with that is best for all life, and within such fulfillment/humbleness, I make the living statement that I am self satisfied by focusing on the needs of others and giving of myself so that the real needs of others can be fulfilled

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that relationships and entertainment that only stimulates me and makes me happy are useless in the long term and are essentially a dead end road

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to walk away from a life of self interest and to let go of that which is based/created in self interest is going to be difficult, and cpme with resistance, and will experienced as an immense experience of ‘fear’ where it feels like ‘my world is going to fall apart’ and that this is the trap that the ego sets up as a self-experience to keep self from ever breaking out of the mind-control of self interest – and that freedom will only come as I give it: by walking through such experiences and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to give into the fears of ego, as the desire for self fulfillment within the belief that “I need this or I will not be happy/will not be a success/may not survive in this world”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be popular and have positive relationships with others where we must stimulate each other positively in order to survive and have a successful life and within this, to believe that it is good and noble to be the best at stimulating others positively because this is what will apparently bring me success and happiness and fulfillment – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate popularity and getting attention with success/happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to simplicity of breath and the simplicity of what is here in this world as a guideline for my living and what is important and what are my priorities in life

I commit myself to focus on doing what is best for all life and to put in the time and do the work necessary and to take seriously my commitments to life as if they were the most important job that I have ever had: as I see, realize and understand that in reality, when I step beyond the brainwashing of fear/self interest of the mind, in fact my work/job/money/survival/relationships are not important, and the most important thing in this world in fact is to make a difference to change the systems and stop the massive amount of suffering that exists in this world

I commit myself to live the statement of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ with regards to making a difference in this world: meaning that my focus should not be so much on ‘what should I do’, but rather my starting point and priorities, as my recognition of what really matters and what is really important, as I see, realize and understand that if I am truly self honest about what matters in life and what does not, then the ‘what should I do’ will become obvious and come naturally, as I will simply no longer be sidetracked by the bait of self interest as desire that keeps me from recognizing what is important and acting accordingly

When and as I see myself experiencing the fear of loss and the experience of ‘my world is falling apart/I am losing everything’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the trap of the ego where it uses the addiction of pleasure and stimulation as happy feelings as a trap to never break out of the mind control of self interest and to live in a way where I am simply satisfied with being taken care of and having everything I need, so that I may then work towards the betterment of all life in humbleness as I am no longer controlled by always wanting more – and thus when this fear/experience arises as my thoughts, feeling s and emotions, I remain here as breath and do not participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather continue to breathe until the energy stops to see and prove to myself that: I am still here, I do not fear to lose the mind/energy/addiction, and that I can exist and be fulfilled in simply being satisfied by existing here as breath with a body that is taken care of and has all its needs met, and so I continue down this road less traveled by living as breath in simply supporting the physical body, in humbleness as the consideration of all life as equal and one, and in gratefulness to be here in this body/life with the opportunity to make a difference

Day 320: Strengthening my resolve to stop daily addictive habits

 

What am I experiencing today? I am experiencing the desire for attention, I am experiencing an inability to stop myself when the prospect of having sex arises, I am experiencing desires to eat food that I really don’t need, it just takes good, I am experiencing the desire to smoke weed, I am experiencing resistance to getting down to doing real work like writing and self investigation or school work, excitement over my coffee habit where I get excited about drinking coffee and being productive, but don’t end up being productive. Also the addiction to pro sports thing, pointlessly checking sports updates for entertainment/distraction. I keep justifying the desire to smoke weed as ‘I can handle it, just do a bit once in a while’ or ‘I can put checks an restrictions on it that are out of my control so I have no choice to stop’, but it is like, how can I trust myself on that? Also fears about my relationships and whether or not it is practical or if I am ‘wasting time’ – which I should not project onto my relationship or the other because really a relationship is not even a real thing lol and the other is not to blame. I also notice I have this tendency to worry and be indirect in handling point I am facing by not being simplistic in writing about them, but rather reacting to them in moments of insights/moments where I notice them, or even when I write about them. This is unnecessary as it just takes simple self honesty to see the point with my own 2 eyes and it will then be obvious what to do – self forgiveness and self corrective application. That seems to be it, other than the regular thoughts that arise, which I should really start jotting down in a notebook – I just noticed that I found an excuse not to do this, and so I will in this moment go grab my notebook and a pen, to keep on my person.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to crave and desire attention from others as the stimulation that the mind needs/requires in order to define itself and move itself and have a purpose – when and as I see myself desiring attention from others, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire is the mind looking for self definition, purpose and direction – thus I do not participate in this desire and rather ‘keep my nose to the grindstone’ of directing myself in humbleness to simply continue to apply myself in doing what is really practical/relevant/necessary to be done, point by point

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire for sex when I see myself being stimulated by and reacting to the sight of another’s body and the opportunity/possibility of having sex – thus when and as I see myself having such reactions to the image/feeling/sensation of another’s body and the opportunity to have sex and the excitement at having the opportunity for an energy high, and the desire to act on these reactions: I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see the patterns where sex has become a mental experience/high of wanting an experience of an energetic high which the mind experiences as power, control and good feelings/sensation, and thus I remain here as breath when experiencing such sights or physical contact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to eat food that stimulates my mind because it tastes good, rather than simply giving the body what it requires practically, in gratefulness and humbleness – thus when and as I see myself going for the delicious food because I desire energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the body simply doesn’t need this and that if I do not participate, I will still be here/fine, and thus I do not participate in such desires no matter how the mind justifies it as I see that the mind is tricky and will tempt me in every way possible with thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a habit out of getting coffee as a ‘nice big idea’ because apparently it means I will do work and be more effective, as this is the ultimate deception to actually justify wasting more time once I’ve got coffee, putting my work off and procrastinating further – thus I commit myself to use coffee in a way that is practical wherein I set my plan of what I will be doing once I get my coffee, drink the coffee, and then simply do what I had planned immediately

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste my time, distract myself and generally lose self direction and focus by paying attention to pro sports updates – thus I commit myself to simply stop checking pro sports, and as a support I have already blocked all the pro sports sites I normally visited so that I have the reminder every time I may try to give into my desire, as I see and realize that stopping is sometimes difficult, and yet I am missing nothing of real benefit by simply stopping ‘cold turkey’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to smoke weed as a way of escaping my reality and completely not having to focus on doing anything real or making any real difference in myself and in this world, so I can just escape my reality and create a fantasy reality that is apparently blissful and deny life, just because I have defined myself as weak and incapable and defined making a difference in myself/this world as apparently difficult or not enjoyable – thus I commit myself to stop the desire or act of smoking weed as it is simply impractical – when and as this desire arises, I simply stop and breathe and do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see that it is the mind/ego attempting to destabilize me and that I am in fact not ‘missing out on anything’ by not escaping my reality through smoking weed

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self dishonesties onto my relationship and partner, such as impracticality and lack of self direction, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is in fact no such thing as a ‘relationship’ and that this is only a projection of who I am and how I am living onto this imaginary creation, as well as my partner, and that this point about me can be corrected so that I do not have such negative experiences projected onto things outside of myself – thus I commit myself to take the point I experience towards my relationship, whether it be doubt or fear or dissatisfaction or anger or impracticality or whatever it is, and take these points back to self and correct my living by correcting myself and my relationship with myself so that all other forms of relationship I experience and participate in are a real self expression of myself as that which is effective, directive and best for all life – when and as I see myself experiencing things like this towards my relationship/partner – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am projection me and my relationship with myself and my living application onto my relationship and partner, and thus I do not participate in these projections as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry and think too much about the points I am facing when I have a moment of insight, realization or noticing a point, and then go searching the mind for answers/solutions. When and as I see myself noticing a point or having an insight, and then immediately going into reaction/fear/searching the mind for what to do – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is impractical and only further complicates my process and is unnecessary over-thinking things, and that I can stop all this by simply breathing and also by writing out the point immediately, thus I do not participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as fearing points, reacting to them and trying to solve them with the mind, but rather simple breathe and do self forgiveness or write out the point

Day 317: The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following Principles:

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 274: Insecurity, part 2

 

So I mentioned in my last post that recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding come up in my relationship. At the time it happened, I found it very difficult to write about, because I was too overwhelmed by my own mind – this goes to show how important the decisions I make are, how important it is to be clear about my standing/principles and what I will accept and allow or not – consequences are inescapable and can be so severe that handling them might be no easy feat, or we might not even be able to handle them the way we would like to at all.

Basically, what the conflict/misunderstanding consisted of was each of us projecting our fears and insecurities onto each other. As I had mentioned in my last blog, fears and insecurities always stem from an awareness of how we are living and what our actions are. Obviously one of us, or neither of us, were living in a way where we would be satisfied with ourselves, and this turned into fear of loss, expressed as blame and us projecting ourselves onto another. It takes real commitment to live a life where a successful relationship is possible, because one has truly given as they would like to receive. Whenever my commitment to life and living a life that is best for all is not absolute, I end up going into this point of fear of loss, expressed as anger/blame. So to have a successful relationship, I know what is required in terms of my living commitment – absoluteness, otherwise, I know how my dissatisfaction with myself will eat away at me and consume me and all that matters to me. It is the reason why I have failed so many times in the past, so many times that I have come to almost expect like this is how it should be, and thus I resist real commitment as real change.

One point of resistance I have had towards absolute commitment is some idea that it is boring – you know, the idea of ‘sticking to the same old thing’ – because in the past, I had associated consistency with slavery – you know, doing boring and useless shit that did not benefit me, on a consistent and regular basis. It is like I have come to experience inconsistency/failure as some form of excitement, getting stimulated/high off the fear that I create and experience – it is fascinating because as much as I have written about being addicted to the positive, I have never considered that one could actually in fact be addicted to the negative – even while have a degree of understanding that when it comes to the mind/energy, positive and negative are two sides of the same coin – and the positive is not real within that.

I’m sure many experience this about some point in their lives – feeling as though being committed to something is some kind of trap/slavery – but not having learned what it means to live principles that are best for all life, we fail to consider that the fear of being trapped by consistency, is rather us fearing the trap we have created for ourselves already – believing in/subscribing to a life of inconsistency and failure, to such an extent that we believe this is what life is, and even worse, that it is who we are and that we enjoy it.

Life is too short to run away from self responsibility – to making real commitments that challenge us to be the best we can be in service of life. It is fucked that – when faced with challenges/consequences/conflict, the tendency is to want to run away, rather than sort oneself out.

So 2 points here: expecting/accepting failure as normal, and fearing/resisting consistency/absoluteness in my resolve to say consistent in my living application as if it were ‘boring’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that failure is normal, acceptable, to be expected, part of life, and even fun and enjoyable or exciting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear consistency, within a belief that it is boring or I will be trapped/enslaved and that it will be boring/meaningless/pointless/not supportive – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate consistency/ sticking with principles that are best for all life with past experiences of feeling enslaved on a consistent basis, thus associating consistency and sticking to simplicity/basics as boring or enslaving or a trap

I commit myself to stick to principles that are best for all life and be absolute in my resolve to stand, and give as I would like to receive, and to remain consistent in my application of sticking to breath and stopping destructive patterns of self interest where I do not give as I would like to receive – and thus within sticking to the simplicity of principles that are best for self/all life, I do not allow myself to be trapped by the illusion of ‘excitement’ as change as failure to stick to consistency/principles/simplicity as I experience is as ‘boring’ or ‘missing out on something’ – I commit myself to not run away from self responsibility.

Day 243: The joy of work

Today, before writing my blog, I got that feeling again like have nothing to write. This is partly because I have been doing work all day – from the moment I woke up to now, I have been busy with both school work and job work, and because I have been so busy, I haven’t ben having many experiences and thus not many as many reactions/thoughts or accumulated energy as I might on a normal day. Then I realized, this is then the point to blog about.

Because earlier tonight I noticed a particular thing: as much as I tend to think, believe, say and complain that I hate working and doing school work and even justify such things with beliefs/knowledge – I actually enjoy working. I enjoy who I am within working, and how I experience myself after a hard days work. I am happier when I work. He thing is, this enjoyment is not an energetic experience as I’m used to defining my enjoyment – it is a physical experience, of living, applying myself, applying my gifts and talents, and expanding the person I am. It is participating in things that I have no energetic attachment to, that I have not developed a dependency on. It is in doing these things that I actually step out of my daily habits/participations and expand myself. There is a noticeable difference between the end of a day like today, and the end of a day where I am racing around, moving from one habit/pattern/addiction to the next – they are the kind of days where I am exhausted at the end of the day and yet I am so mentally stimulated that I can’t sleep. Perhaps it is fitting; that I have simply not earned that good nights rest. I even notice the degree to which I am less concerned and worried about pointless, trivial shit that normally occupies my mind as thoughts.

I would like to work with this degree of discipline, commitment and resolve everyday. It has always been a nice ideal of mine. I always sort of wanted to, at the very least, learn how to be like that in my old age, using the idea/excuse that by this time, I will be ‘past’ my young stupid years and will be ready to give up interests associated with youth and become like a wise, well read quiet old person. This is just a pipe dream, and even if it were true; why wait for this ind of ideal to be realized?

The truth is that I am able to live with this kind of steadfastness in self-application and really live/work to my full potential, if I allow myself to give myself the discipline to do so. I am able to do this without making a ‘thing’ out of it, like turning it into the kind of aforementioned dream/ideal. All it takes is self honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hard work is the key to contentment and fulfillment, and serves as an effective way to stop and get out of the mind which drives me to follow old habits/patterns/addictions

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to push myself in every moment that I am faced with choice/challenge, to work hard and apply myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live to my full potential and apply myself in hard work by using the excuse/justification/idea of having ‘free time’ and thus believing that I can just ‘relax’ and that this ‘relaxation’ will apparently make me better – when in fact this is only a temporary, illusory feeling/escape

I commit myself to realize the real value of hard work through a physically lived realization and exploration of myself, applying myself in every opportunity that I have to do work

I commit myself to push myself to engage in hard work until the behavior becomes natural and automated as common sense

I commit myself to stop the belief that there is ‘nothing to do’ or something better to do, and rather be proactive in looking for ways in which I can apply myself in living by working hard, as there is always hard work that needs to be done and I see, realize and understand this point that every moment is an invaluable opportunity to do hard work and really live

Day 228: Freedom through structure – building a life

It is a natural human expression to create, yet this has been long lost in the way that we live as a society on earth. I mean there are a few on this earth who are allowed to create because they have money and are funded somehow to create to serve a purpose (the rich people in the world).

When you look at the things that we build, they are in essence reflections of what is already here as nature. For instance while we have the humans building machines and robots, we can see the biological robots that nature produces. Everything in nature reflects the same basic principles of creation – it is as if everything is designed, built, structured in a specific way that facilitates a specific expression. Our whole environment is a learning experience, in that regard. The point I am raising in this blog is why we don’t learn from it, and specifically, why do we not structure our living, just as nature has structured us to facilitate our living? Without these human bodies – structured forms – nothing would be possible. Sometimes we fool ourselves and give it a negative connotation as if the limitations of the body are some form of negative trapping, which is a point that should really be re-evaluated given the nature of the human as being something that really needs some boundaries.

I have never had much of a structured life save for my schooling experience growing up,  as well as basic needs being met when I was younger, like bathing and eating. The latter are obvious examples of how structure I really quite a cool thing – you structure you’re eating habits, you’re going to be well fed. If you structure your sleeping habits, you’re going to be well rested. However due to negative associations I had made with being structured, from negative past experiences like school, I really began to deviate from any and all forms of structure, the more I grew into my teen years and beyond, to the point where I wanted absolute ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ – but there is no such thing as free will and free choice when it does not fall within a context of self responsibility and your responsibility towards life – any ‘free choice’ that does not consider life is rather the freedom to abuse.

So it has been ‘normal’ for me to exist for this way for quite some time, as I’m sure it is for many people – we tend to only get serious about having structure in our lives when our survival is depending on it. However it has been introduced to me that structuring my life through developing and utilizing a schedule is paramount in creating and living the kind of life that I really want to. I had been avoiding this point because I know that it means I am getting real about this process I am in, getting real about what I really ideally want to do with my life, and most importantly, I have been avoiding it because I know that getting real means to completely stop with all the bullshit in my life – even the tiniest bit of it. Basically, I know that a schedule will stop that, so I have resisted it.

By working through a lot of my old addictions/patterns/habits, this opportunity through clarity to now structure my life has become more of an accessible reality, and at this point, it is within reach, it is as accessible as I make it. I am able to structure my entire living, every minute of every day, if I choose to, so that it is guaranteed that I live the life that I really want to, a life that I am satisfied with where I let nothing slide and I truly live to my full potential and accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Taking away the experience of feeling like I am missing out on something or that there is ‘something more’. This is all not to mention the stopping of the shit I allow in my life and the effect that would have, to live with less fear and anxiety because I know within myself that I am truly living and taking nothing for granted.

As mentioned before, I still have resistance to applying myself in the moment, but the more I work through that, the more effective I become at it and see the reality of being able to successfully follow a schedule as within reach. Today I finalized a tentative schedule to work with, and it is actually amazing how much is able to be accomplished in a day, when time is used effectively.

We tend to take granted our ability to create ourselves, to such an extent that I’m sure many will find it hard to fathom that it is even possible to do so, just as I did. It took real work, self honesty, self forgiveness and sticking to my process to even get to this point of making it possible to begin recreating myself. Within the recognition of life and recognizing ourselves as life, one and equal, anything is possible, no matter how long it takes or what you have to do to get there, because one is valuing themselves in fact and will do whatever it takes to honor oneself within such a recognition – how could we justify not giving ourselves that right? Just as life has given us the opportunity to exist and express through the structure we are endowed with, so too are we able to give ourselves the structure of a being that will ensure that this opportunity is not squandered – the opportunity to live – you only get it once.

Day 200: Standing and facing myself within a relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in relationships based on the fear of loss and that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am to make the decision that is best for all, I must not allow the decision to be compromised by desire as the fear of loss

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand resolute and unwavering in principles that are best for all life, no matter how great the fear of being alone/fear of loss may be – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my process and the principles that I am to live by top create a world that is best for all to be compromised by relationships as the fear of losing relationships/fear of being alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my standing within the principles as what is best for all to be compromised by personality as how certain personalities in my world relate/are linked to survival and the fear of loss – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must survive and that my survival is linked to/dependent on certain personalities to support me and exist within my life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear committing to a relationship because in fact how things progress and whether it is successful or not depends on me and who I am/the decisions I make, thus I forgive myself to fear committing and to use the excuse of whether or not the prospect looks good or not (as if I am not the one who determines that point) because I know that to commit and have a successful relationship means that I must love my partner as myself and do unto my partner as I would want her to do to me, and knowing that I must give up all desires and get real about sexuality and relationships to make it no longer about me and any desires to have power/control/dominate

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a relationship because I fear that I will not change if I allow myself to have a relationship – this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be single by justifying it as being ‘easier to change’ when in fact I place myself in a position of isolation where I am not forced to see and face the consequences of who I am reflected to me through living/interacting with another

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that whether or not a relationship is a supportive thing in my life is based on my starting point and who I am within experiences – and that if I am self honest, anything is possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn a relationship/my partner into a commodity to support my ego and survival rather than live practically within a relationship as a point of facing myself through intimacy and interaction with another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to play a dominant role in relationships where I am looking at how I can benefit/take advantage

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place my self-interest above what is best for both people in the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that somehow my partner will magically be at the same level of understanding as me and to judge my partner for not being at the same level of understanding as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to support my partner as my equal as that which is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I fear losing a relationship, then the relationship is never real in the first place and thus if I fear losing a relationship, it is me that is lost as I fear losing an illusion

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base who I am and how I feel on the relationship – meaning on how the other person on the relationship is feeling, and that I’ve allowed myself to depend on their feelings to direct myself, rather than stand within principles that I know are best for all – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to allow how another feels to influence who I am is to allow fear of loss/survival to influence me as I have linked how the other feels to my survival as needing/requiring them to ‘feel good’ and to ‘keep them happy’ in order to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my relationship partner is special as creating something ‘more than’ from which I base my survival as depending on having

I commit myself to get to the bottom of my fear of loss so and never again allow it to influence and compromise me and my relationships

I commit myself to stand within the decision to stick to living the principles/my process as what is best for all, not depending on my relationship, who I am with or where I am or how I am feeling

When and as I see myself fearing losing a relationship/displeasing my partner/fearing my partner feeling bad – I stop, I breathe, I see how this fear of loss is based on survival as the belief that I need and require a relationship to survive – and thus I do not participate in this fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to face myself both within relationships – as being self honest about who I am within them – and alone as I am always here alone in fact- thus I commit myself to face my fear of loss and desire both within relationships and here alone as it is for me to face me, and not look to others to save me or solve my problems for me

I commit myself to stop my desire for power and control within my relationships/interactions with others

I commit myself to see and insist where agreements can be made that is best for all and to do so unconditionally – not fearing losing another or what they may think of me

When and as I see myself judging my partner for not understanding me/not being at the same level of understanding me – I stop, I breathe, I see how this is me resisting wanting to take self responsibility in having to support my partner and come to an understanding through being the living example of the principles that I stand for as that which is best for all

When and as I see myself believing that my partner is special – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize how this is a form of commodification where I am making someone ‘more than’ as I see fit to support my survival/fear of loss/ego – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in this belief as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 198: Stopping desire as the sustenance of the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into those moments where I fear losing a point and will act to preserve a point of dependency/addiction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear applying myself in process/resist applying myself in process because I fear to lose something, that I have not allowed myself to continue to apply myself and learn, not considering that the only way the desires will stop is if I do continue to apply myself and learn – thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that as long as I fear applying myself, I will always remained trapped in my own self dishonesty’s and will never understand what life really is as I never allowed myself to let go of that which holds me back from seeing and understanding

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the problem that is my limitation as my desires and the solution that is to apply myself in process and study – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself in believing that there is not enough time to apply myself in process, not realizing that time is created, I create time and thus having enough time is a matter of being self honest and applying myself, that this is not just my main priority, but my only real priority

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is much, much more to life, myself and others than desire

I forgive myself that I’ve never actually allowed myself to meet, experience and enjoy those who I have only ever seen as being here to help serve and fulfill my desires

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give priority to my process in every moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough time for process or other things, and to resist keeping myself as busy as possible with that which supports me because I am keeping a backdoor to have time available to fall, to fuck around and keep giving into pointless desires

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ensure that my process is specific in doing exactly what is necessary/relevant as that which will support me to bring about a real change in myself as what is best for all life, and that I have not realize that if I am not specifying my process this way but rather just fulfilling an obligation of what I feel is ‘right’, then I am in fact just justifying my abuse/self deception and wasting my time/life on earth

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to face/consider the truth of the enslavement that everything in this world that is pre-programmed actually represents, right down to my very name which was branded on me and thus the self deception and foolishness of taking pride/attaching value to my name/how others recognize my name as my point of ego

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the extent to which my ego as consciousness/thought/backchat has enslaved me as the way to feed my ego as the idea of me and keep it alive and thus that I have not done everything in my power in every moment where I have free choice to get out

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to realize that in every moment of facing a desire/addiction, I am facing the decision as to whether or not to keep the ego/my enslavement alive, or not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that thoughts and backchat are in essence the desire of the ego as that which the mind seeks to create as real to keep the illusion of itself alive, and that thoughts and backchat indicate where I am ‘less than’/inferior as the mind and thus consequentially a desire for fulfillment/validation will be created

I commit myself to stop self enslavement in all its forms as desire as feeding my mind energy and to do everything in every possible moment where I have free choice to stop desire and stop feeding the ego/participation in the mind as thoughts./backchat/desire

I commit myself to stop the ego through stopping thoughts/backchat/through stopping desire, as the living application of understanding/applying what I have learned about the mind, how it functions and thus how to free myself from it

I commit myself to stop taking pride in/desiring that which enslaves me and keeps me trapped in cycles of time – I commit myself to embracing every new moment and that which it brings/the opportunity I have within it, when and as I let go of the repetition/living in the past of giving into desires

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that desire is memory based – and thus I commit myself to investigate where exactly desires where formed within me as certain memories/events

Day 171: A life of servitude and inferiority: part 3

I commit myself to stop making value judgments on myself/others based on their monetary/status worth within the eyes of the current world system – when and as I see myself having thoughts/judgments about myself/others based on this point – I stop, breathe, and do not participate in such value judgments

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to act perfect and feeling the need to act perfect and impress others/do something ‘special’ to make an impression on others – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this tendency is based on a long established habit of believing that I can only be recognized by the mind as someone ‘special’ who impresses the mind by triggering reactions within the mind – and I do not participate within this want/desire/urge as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself worrying/fearing what others think of me as judgments – and within this the subsequent urge to prepare myself and behave in a certain way that will change their judgments from negative to positive – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a fear within the belief that I cannot direct the mind here as life – and thus I do not participate within this fear and subsequent desire, as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about what others may be thinking –rather I breathe here and allow myself to direct myself/others here in the moment

When and as I see myself believing that being alone is better/wanting to be alone/by myself as an escape from the stress/pressure of being around others – I stop, I breathe, I realize that I have associated memories of being alone and relaxing for a moment due to being removed from an environment where I believed that I must act a certain way that is fearful in nature, and thus this is only a perception based on who I believed I must be and thus, the belief that being alone is not real as it is based on a false belief of who I must be around others – thus I do not participate in this temptation of the desire to be alone and away from others, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to build self trust through the stopping of the tendency to participate within the desire to act in character/fear that I must be some special/impressive character – and by breathing here through this desire and directing myself within the moment as breath as the stopping of participation within these character constructs

I commit myself to recognize/value myself as life as who I am through no longer participating within characters/ideals of perfection as what I believe others want me to be which is based on fear and the belief that I will not be recognized as life – realizing here within life that being recognized as life, starts with me here in the moment, every moment