Day 296: Self monitoring and the observer

 

I have been a very competitive person for a very long time. Whatever I did in life, I wanted to be the best. My success was always measured in how others were not as good as me, apparently. If I found that I could not be the best at something, I would likely stop competing and look for another way to be the best. This has sabotaged me greatly in my process. I mean it has compromised everything about my daily living and my self response-ability to life, where everything just becomes a competition that is about me winning – even what I consider ‘doing right’ as being one who is actively engaging their process. It makes it extremely difficult to establish real self trust and self honesty because I become uncertain as to whether intentions are truly what is best for all, or what is best for me, through expecting that taking actions that are best for all will somehow reflect well on me.

 

Well, fortunately I have found out that it doesn’t – very few people actually seem to care about what is best for all life and the few people who are impressed by one who appears to be a ‘good person’ is really just impressed and excited because maybe it means there is a chance that you will be easier to take advantage of than the next person.

 

As my process unfolds and I tend to learn from consequences of operating under false pretenses such as this one, it is becoming much more of a common sense, practical living application – instead of a ‘great big idea’. There is nothing special about process and the more that is understood, the more effective I am able to be. The more I am able to understand the practical common sense outflows of the decisions I make, the more I am able to direct myself in simplicity and directness.

 

So, often times within this whole point I have had a tendency to ‘want to figure things out’ – to ‘get it done’, like, almost instantly – this is how the mind works because it tends to never factors in practical physical reality. It is like I never want to make a mistake or reveal that I am flawed. Within this starting point, I have become pre-emptive – like I am actually looking for points to deal with, but in fact what I am doing is looking for points to react to. Here writing this, I now see that this implies how I have always assumed that my movement and action in live must be within some context of reacting to something. Within this point of reaction there is no real self movement or self direction – fear is just the sole motivator. Or is that soul motivator?

 

I received some support on this point recently – although the support was somewhat indirect and I did not necessarily see it at the time – in the video “Losing a Moment of Inspiration – Losing a Part of Self” – I suggest to watch it, even if it does not seem relevant or the insight doesn’t register immediately, as it did not for me.

 

Within this whole point of competition ad wanting to be the best, making almost over-zealous, looking for points about myself to react t and deal with, I notice that the tendency is to look at points through the mind and to trust the mind within this observing. Even sitting down to write, it is like I will scan the mind for stuff to write about, like asking the mind: “what is relevant here?” – so I am in essence trying to solve the problem with the problem. This was the point raised in the video where we tend to try to look at our insights and the things we notice about ourselves, only through the mind!

 

So what I am seeing here is the importance of this process being a physically lived/applied process – not that this information is new to me lol. But it’s application certainly is. It is as if I have trusted the mind so much that I fear to allow myself ti simply sit down and write, here in the moment, simply expressing myself naturally here, physically, without any ideas or expectations. As long as I am still referencing the mind, no change will be possible, no matter how seemingly noble my intent may be.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in referencing the mind as to what is important/relevant in my process/life, and that I have allowed myself to be motivated and driven only by fear, living in a reactive state – thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and live the understanding that all that exist in the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions are of no real substance, support, and are not trustworthy, but are rather just indicators of my own twisted creation called the mind which does not deal with things in real reality but only in the mental reality where the mind always wants to win, and I commit myself to live with the understanding that no thought, feeling or emotion can ever be trusted but are merely experiences that may be explored through self writing as a physical act, here in the moment, which are the key to understanding myself and what is beyond the limitations of the mind if I allow myself to let go of the fear of living without the mind.

Day 272: What can I do to take self responsibility?

Today I am writing a self support blog for some tough times I have been going through. They have been mentally tough more than anything, although it is having real effects on my physical reality because it is becoming quite difficult to focus. I’m going to keep this one short because a lot of the writing I will continue to due will be in my personal journal. What I will say in this blog post however is: QUESTION EVERYTHING – including yourself. Question if the things you are doing and participating in and a part of, tacitly or actively, are really real, if they are really trustworthy, if they are really self honest, if they are really what is best for all life. Do not compromise yourself for bullshit, because you fear to lose something or someone. If you do, you are going to experience regret like you wouldn’t believe – the consequences are brutal.

When things get tough – support yourself and be self honest about where you can make improvements and where you are not being self honest with yourself. Don’t blame others and when things get tough – breathe breathe breathe, then, sit down and write. Don’t stop writing until you’ve gained some composure and clarity, and don’t act on your thoughts, feelings and emotions, no matter how vivid and intense they seem. I made this mistake today and things could have been less stressful if I had taken a step back and really faced myself.

If we are to ever have any hope that other people will sort themselves out, we have got to sort ourselves out. Yes, the world has gone mad – and we are the world. I get frustrated and feel I have to ‘draw a line’ with others when they refuse to take any self responsibility or change or insist on remaining spiteful – but the truth is that I have to draw that line with me first, to give myself that boundary through taking self responsibility and looking at myself. Sometimes I feel like the answers don’t exist within me, they are somewhere out there, buried in the outer world issue or people I am dealing with – but that is not so – I am my own answer and I have been all a long.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to face myself before facing others when dealing with an issue or conflict, and for allowing myself to act on thoughts/feelings/emotions in dealing with another rather than stabilizing myself through breath and sitting down to write

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and feel like I don’t have the answers or I don’t know what to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the problems I experience exist solely in others, while not looking at/realizing the fact that my experiences are my own, and that this is the only point in which I am able to work and take self responsibility – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be self righteous in believing that I am doing more/trying when others aren’t

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only place I am able to effect change when I am experience problems is within myself – and that I have not allowed myself to realize that this is the key to enabling me to see the situation with clarity and without emotional attachment/fear/blame, and thus direct the problem with ease

When and as I see myself wanting to fix the problem ‘out there’ in something/someone else – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a trap to keep me enslaved to my own mind and not solve the problem in fact, and that I am missing the point that the problem exist within me and that the only way to take directive principle is to face myself in breathing/writing – thus I do not give into the desire to change the problem ‘out there’ as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy, but rather be self directive in seeing what I can change about myself/where I can take self responsibility and lead by example

I commit myself to give as I would like to receive, no matter what others are doing around me and to no longer use the excuse of what others are doing to not stand up and live the life of integrity that I really want to

I commit myself to identify reactions and deal with them immediately

I commit myself to question things in writing when I am having an experience of uneasiness/unclarity/uncertainty

Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?

 

Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality

Day 244: Making connections

 

One thing that I notice about myself in the way that I have been changing in this process is that I have become much, much more attentive to others than I have ever been. I have come to see the that there is much, much more to people than what meets the eye, and I was only enabled to see this in others once I began to recognize it about myself, within a process of becoming intimate with myself and learning to be honest with myself. I find myself glad, even eager sometimes to just sit with people and listen to them, to get to know them and their experiences, their feelings, their thoughts – everything – and this has been coming at a more unconditional level where it is not about opinions of finding others who agree with you – I will gladly sit there and listen to anyone because it is really an invaluable learning experience, and an opportunity for support.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I even like it too much. I mean when I have such interactions, I tend to come out of them with some really nice feelings and thoughts. The intensity of this has decreased dramatically from what it used to be, but I still see it there. Conversely, sometimes where I want to connect and it just isn’t happening, I mean the person just isn’t interested or maybe I am approaching the interaction with too much eagerness/gusto, I can then feel not so good and have some not-so-nice thoughts.

 

One of the reasons that ‘connecting with others’ this way, you could call it, has a sort of ‘place in my heart’ in terms of having an energetic charge/experience to it, is that this is the kind of attention, recognition and support that I felt I never got. Not only never got, but was promised, expected, and never received. Yes it is a sad thing, that life in general does not receive the value, recognition, attention and support it requires, to say the least, but taking my past experiences of this and allowing them to influence who I am today is really useless and limiting. There is a song about this very subject that, when I listen to it, brings up all kinds of feelings/reactions, you can check out the lyrics here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3liCmuiPTY – the significance of this experience with the song is really just that obviously, because I have such reactions, this point of past experience is still having an influence on me today.

 

So it is not like I am going to change this point of interacting with others, I mean that is a part of me that is here to stay in terms of the attention/recognition point, but the extra ‘feeling experience’ that I get out of it is something to deconstruct. So much of that happy feeling of ‘oh wow, we have just connected and we understand each other better now!’ is taking a reality of events and making something ‘more’/extra out of it than what it is. This energetic feeling experience is actually based on separation. It is based on how we have already accepted within ourselves definitions of ourselves that separate us which we are currently busy believing and living-out. It is like the sigh of relief you experience when you fear someone due to how you misunderstand them through each one having defined each other as separate, and then all of a sudden, because a connection is made, you realize that ‘oh, this fear isn’t real, they’re just like me!’ it is in that moment of relief/realization that one may tend to mindfuck themselves and make something more out of it than what it is. We’ll tend to cling onto that feeling/moment and believe in it and even give it names like ‘love’.

 

But if such separation didn’t exist, would such a mental experience exist? If you were already equal, would it possible for a connection to be made? Wouldn’t be necessary, would it?

 

Still, equality is something that starts with self, done by self, for self. It is necessary for one to equalize themselves within and as themselves – meaning to actually be equal to that which you are as the physical body, by living it completely – not living in alternate dimensions/realities of the mind. Only through stopping ideas/beliefs/definitions of ourselves can we see and understand what our equality really means, and what it means to be equal to others. You don’t have to have the agreement of others to be equal to them. They might not even understand who they are…yet. But if you understand who you really are, you understand who others really are, and those who have done the work for themselves this way may have to serve as an example/support for others in the meantime by standing as that example of equality, no matter what the others may believe of you and themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the feeling/energetic/thought experience that I get from making connections and relationships with others is in fact based on a form of separation, wherein I experience a sense of relief that ‘everything is ok’, because my experience with them is positive which contradicts the fears that exist deep in my mind, and negative expectations that stem from such beliefs

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make enough connections or that if the connection is ‘strong enough’ as the feeling/thought/energetic experience I have with others, that my life will be better and everything will be ok because I am apparently now loved

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ensure that my interactions with others is effective and specific as conducive to the process of self realization

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anxiety as the fear of others as a way of activating all kinds of character/personalities to entertain, endear and impress others in some way

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for equality in experiences with others instead of establishing equality within and as myself as breath as the starting point

 

I commit myself to check in the moment what my starting point and experience is with another in interacting with them, and to rid myself of any secret desires/mental experiences that I am having in my interaction with others

 

I commit myself to stop the positive mental experience of thoughts/feelings as energy with others due to my interaction with them, as I see understand and realize that such thoughts are actually based in separation as deeply engrained self definitions/definitions of others and that the positive mental experience is only in contrast to such separation as the temporary/illusory relief of fear through believing that we now ‘understand each other’, when and as I see such thoughts/feelings/energies arise, I stop and I breathe, as to stand equal to others in fact means to stand equal to and as myself as the physical, and I stop and give up this desire to make a connection with others and have a positive illusory mental experience of myself – rather, I live positivity, I live support, I live equality and oneness, in whatever capacity is necessary to be effective in actual physical reality

Day 225: Deconstructing the mind

Today there will be just a couple statements of self forgiveness and self corrective application which I had written earlier in the day in my journal. I am currently working on a mind construct that is covering a more ‘personal point’ and thus will be keeping it for myself. After all, this process is about self, done for self, by self, here as a physical act in the moment.

What I am working on at the moment is called a mind construct. A mind construct is essentially a method of deconstructing current patterns/habits/addictions that are based in ideas, beliefs, perceptions about ourselves and our reality that were created through past experiences that we will harbor and carry with us today as memories, stored within and as the subconscious mind. Being subconscious in nature, we tend to not see how these memories are still influencing our behavior and how we experience ourselves currently in our living and daily participation in reality. So in essence, in working on a mind construct one is busy peeling back the layers of their mind as accumulated memories to see how one has constructed themselves as their consciousness, determining/influencing how one experience, perceive and behave in their reality.

This is done as a physical process and requires self honesty – so you don’t have preconceived ideas of what your working with or what the outcome will be – you simply walk through the mind as past memories and this is why it is such a revealing process, revealing you to yourself as that which we tend to take for granted that control and influence us as these accumulated memories. You discover how much you have forgotten, how much you have ignored, how much you are compromised, everything that you have been through that you still carry with you and will have the tendency to run away from because while there is a deep awareness that something is not right – you have no idea what that something is and how it works.

I learned how to do mind constructs through the Desteni I Process – a course that I began a few years ago which has assisted me tremendously in understanding myself and coming to grips with myself and my reality, providing clarity from which I can live and express life more freely in ways I had never before imagined – without the self imposed limitations of my own mind as within our own minds, we have become our own worst enemies.

I recommend to try the Desteni I Process if you want to see what’s on the other side.

Now, for today’s self forgiveness and self corrective application statements:

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and seek attention and recognition from others, as a way of feeding the mind as ego as the illusion that I am living something as value due to how I am presented to others and viewed by others/myself – not realizing that this pattern was developed over years where I had no direction, no understanding of myself and my world, no effective life skills or training, and thus developed a fear of/aversion to living myself fully here in the moment and applying myself fully without any distractions in the back of my mind of there being something ‘better’ that I could be doing that creates this experience of loneliness and the desire for attention

I commit myself to immerse myself fully in living and daily applications as self directive principle as breath

Day 171: A life of servitude and inferiority: part 3

I commit myself to stop making value judgments on myself/others based on their monetary/status worth within the eyes of the current world system – when and as I see myself having thoughts/judgments about myself/others based on this point – I stop, breathe, and do not participate in such value judgments

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to act perfect and feeling the need to act perfect and impress others/do something ‘special’ to make an impression on others – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this tendency is based on a long established habit of believing that I can only be recognized by the mind as someone ‘special’ who impresses the mind by triggering reactions within the mind – and I do not participate within this want/desire/urge as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself worrying/fearing what others think of me as judgments – and within this the subsequent urge to prepare myself and behave in a certain way that will change their judgments from negative to positive – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a fear within the belief that I cannot direct the mind here as life – and thus I do not participate within this fear and subsequent desire, as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about what others may be thinking –rather I breathe here and allow myself to direct myself/others here in the moment

When and as I see myself believing that being alone is better/wanting to be alone/by myself as an escape from the stress/pressure of being around others – I stop, I breathe, I realize that I have associated memories of being alone and relaxing for a moment due to being removed from an environment where I believed that I must act a certain way that is fearful in nature, and thus this is only a perception based on who I believed I must be and thus, the belief that being alone is not real as it is based on a false belief of who I must be around others – thus I do not participate in this temptation of the desire to be alone and away from others, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to build self trust through the stopping of the tendency to participate within the desire to act in character/fear that I must be some special/impressive character – and by breathing here through this desire and directing myself within the moment as breath as the stopping of participation within these character constructs

I commit myself to recognize/value myself as life as who I am through no longer participating within characters/ideals of perfection as what I believe others want me to be which is based on fear and the belief that I will not be recognized as life – realizing here within life that being recognized as life, starts with me here in the moment, every moment

Day 158: Sports and competition as a mental game

A couple days ago, I decided to go out and play some basketball. It has been quite some time since I’ve played, as the last time I played I had a serious ankle injury that kept me away from the game for some time.

I ended up playing 1 on one with a competitive basketball player, a guy who played for the local university who was much bigger and more skilled at the game than was. Now I noticed an interesting thing: playing the game and competing had becoming for me nothing but a mental experience, meaning that it became about nothing but my own ego, which is rooted in fear of loss and the consequent desire to win. Unfortunately, the game has become about nothing but winning, and what I noticed after this guy beat me yesterday was that, the game is absolutely no fun when you lose! It’s a shitty experience – why? And how can the fun of winning be a real fun when it is simply based on the fear of loss?

Another thing which I had noticed before when I had my injury, is that within the desire to win, the human body – that which is real and which I depend on for my very existence – becomes completely neglected, and is made sacrifice to the pursuit of winning. I literally had destroyed part of my physical body, just because I was trying to win, just because I was trying to get this mental high experience of ‘oh, I’ve won, I am so great now, I feel so much better that I have put on this very convincing show to compensate for my own accepted and allowed inferiority.

And when I went back to play yesterday, this was very easy to see. This guy, being much bigger and physically aggressive, literally beat up on me as he worked towards his own victory – and I took the abuse, I allowed it. I even pushed my physical body beyond its limits with regards to my cardiovascular capacity, pushing myself when I was already too tired to continue (again I have not played in a very long time) – all just to ‘win’.

The fact is that this has become an engrained habit over time because throughout the course of my life, I had become accustomed to being the one in the winning position, and when this is the association that a person makes with the game they play because they tend to be the winner, it becomes very dangerous because there is a completely skewed view of what the game really is as its true nature – you actually begin to believe that you like the game, that it is a part of your life, of who you are – yet you are only seeing one side of the coin, you are not considering the ‘losers side’ and even that the ‘winner’ is just a loser who uses another loses to feel like a winner by contrast.

All of this, even despite the fact that looking back I had abused my body extensively even en route to ‘victory’. It is amazing the chemicals, the endorphins and what not (I’m not sure about the proper scientific names) that the body can produce – all from the mental experience of ‘I am winning!’- to mask the pain and hardship that one is actually putting the body through. The body becomes so disregarded for the mental experience of winning that we come up with motto’s like “no pain, no gain” – like we actually enjoy the pain! Because apparently, we are winning – we will see about that when the consequences of neglecting the body take their toll…

As an example of this, I watched a mixed martial arts fight recently, where one man had the other man at his mercy, he could do nothing but protect himself from the attacks of the aggressing man, and so the referee stopped the fight and the aggressing man was declared the winner and defending man the loser. However, when the fight was over, the defending man who was declared the ‘loser’, had minor bumps and bruises on his body, while it was revealed that the man declared the ‘winner’ had dislocated and torn one of his big toes out of place – a horrendous injury and sight to see. He could not walk properly, and was looking now at months of rehab and healing where his foot and walking would not be the same. While the other man was fine…the ‘loser’ – that is like amazingly delusional shit. And yet, no one seemed to even notice this, let alone notice that both men were in fact losers for the mere fact that they would deliberately abuse their bodies all in the name of the success and the pursuit thereof. As has been said before, there are no winners in war.

Perhaps one day, we can make sports and competition real – meaning that we can re-define ourselves and what sports/competition is as a purely physical exercise where we learn to move as one and equal to our physical bodies, developing skill, ability, presence and self trust within this, where competition is to simply be competent as the competence of the physical body, moving in self trust, equal to and one. But for now, it is time to stop and investigate how we were brought up to think this way, how we have defined competition and sport because we are literally destroying ourselves for a pipe dream.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse and disregard my physical body within the desire to have an experience of being a ‘winner’ and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of loss to exist within me and from this, create the desire to win as a mental escape from the inferiority/fear of loss which I experience myself as within.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a positive association with pain, putting the body through stress/hardship, and the adrenaline rush which is produced within this experience, not realizing that this is the deception that has been created within the mind to keep me enslaved in competition.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined competition, sport and winning as something that is personalized where I am attempting to compensate for accepted and allowed inferiority’s through using others and the idea of them ‘losing’ and myself ‘winning’.

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to compete and ascertain the experience of ‘winning’ – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept and allow myself to participate within these desires as I see, realize and understand that I am compensating for accepted and allowed inferiority’s – rather, I support myself as my physical body to stop all inferiority’s and develop myself into a being of excellence that excels in the name of life – and not as self interest as inferiority.

I commit myself to stop the desire to compete as an individualized ego in the name of self preservation of the ego as separated, mental experience/entity, and to stand here as life, one and equal, no longer separate from self, creating within this the desire to compensate for this separation I have accepted and allowed through the pursuit of the mental experience of winning/superiority – I stand here as equal.