Tag Archives: body

Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.

Day 299: I, Fear…

Today I sat down to write out all my fears with regards to a certain point I am facing my life and certain experiences I am having, as this was suggested to me by another as a means of self support. It was simplistic, I just sat down and wrote “I fear…….I fear……I fear….” – all the fears that I experience. I mean it is not that hard to do if one just sits down and is honest with themselves about what it is that they fear. We are actually all surprisingly aware of this, if we actually give ourselves a moment to have a look. It was a cool experience to ‘get everything out’ and within this process it has allowed me to get a grasp and a perspective on the points I am facing/experiencing in a way that I normally would have not gained, through for instance just thinking about the point. Even talking out loud about things isn’t quite as effective because self expression can be limited to/compromised by the presence of another and how we feel/experience/define ourselves in relation to their presence.


What I then did was write self forgiveness statements on all the fears, taking the point that I feared back to myself by forgiving myself for the same points that I fear in others as they exist within myself. In just doing this, I felt a kind of release from a tension that I had been experiencing but was almost unaware of because the tension had become me, it had become what I lived and experienced as ‘normal’.


I then wrote corrective application statements and this is where it got interesting, because here I had to actually create, I had to actually design my living application in a way where it is actually me, for the first time, considering what would make practical sense in terms of what would be best for myself and all life. Here I was finding alternatives from the ways that I normally deal with things, which have never really gotten me anywhere but further into the mess I was already in.


So this was a point that I wanted to share due to such effective self support being so simplistic in nature – the problem however is that the mind tends to work solely on ideas and always wants some kind of idea to be satisfied with without ever actually going into physical practical reality to do any real work. It is a way that we stop ourselves from ever really moving ourselves towards corrective action or if we do, we just end up doing it with a pre-conceived idea that suits the mind. When we allow ourselves to move in physical simplicity, and just write, it is amazing what can step forward and how aware and directive we are actually capable of being.


It can be challenging to get to this point, and admittedly, I am on vacation now and not busy being engaged/stressed by things like school, work, family, friends and all the stuff that is part of our day to day living. The problem I found is that being so engaged/stressed, when I finally do have a little bit of free time to sit down and write and give myself some much needed self support, I will tend to not want to do it, but rather just find other ways to have an experience of ‘escaping’ the daily challenges/experiences of my reality. Now with having ample free time, it is a bit easier. However, given the necessity/dire need to support ourselves, that who we are is of utmost importance (even though we do not recognize this and give ourselves very little real value), it is critical that we make the time to give ourselves this self support, no matter what the conditions or circumstances. We believe that by ignoring such things and just escaping our reality through various forms of entertainment, that things will be better, when this is proven time and time again to not be true, and life just becomes more stressful, more of a grind.


We fear to live physically, to let our hands and body do the work, to move ourselves without any mind controlling us or telling us what to do and how we should live. It is akin to stepping into the unknown – and yet, this is all despite knowing full well that the way we are currently living is simply not ideal – nowhere close – the extent to which this point is realized being completely dependent on how much we choose to accept and allow ourselves to delude ourselves from reality and escape it, rather than facing it head on with the will, self trust, self honesty, strength and resolve to make it better. As we exist already in fear and self dishonesty, we are already lost, and so one literally has nothing to lose by facing that which one fears.

Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?


Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality

Day 205: Stopping the sexualization and commodification of the female body

I’m going to have to lead by example and this will take real specific work to diffuse all the points of each and every pattern that I am stuck in. Today I checked out the word paradox because while I had a vague idea of what the word means, my understanding of it is limited as I have never really used the word.

Ok so I am back looking at the patterns involved in my relationships and sexuality. I have before talked about images in the mind and now I am looking at the point of how I have ‘created’ the image in my physical world – meaning that the images are already here in the physical world but that I have given extra value and meaning to these images. I notice it now especially since I am in a relationship, because within the relationship agreement there is the trust within the agreement that my partner and I won’t go out fucking other people, and since the relationship has started I notice how much I am actually looking at women’s bodies when I go out into public, and specifically focusing in on particular parts of the bodies. Of course everybody seems to be doing this to some degree or another, both men and women. We tend to refer to this sexualization of body parts in our minds as ‘objectification’ but that inherently doesn’t necessarily mean much because an object is really just an object – rather use the word ‘commodification’ because of the way these objects are turned into objects of desire for possession in a perception of personal gain.

Now I notice that when I am observing these body parts, it is stimulating a mental image as an impression of that image that arises as a thought, with all kinds of values/definitions/beliefs/ideas attached to it, which then charges me energetically as I go throughout my day doing this. I have now began to stop looking when I am in public when I notice that I am doing it, but at times it is very tempting to just continue looking – that ‘what if’ point of ‘what if I will find something more’. That something more is again as I have described, simply in the mind as the mental points as information/ideas/definitions/beliefs that I have associated with these body parts and the physical pictures I see of them. That something more is the ‘heavenly experience’ of being mentally charged through looking at them the ‘rush I get’ because essentially it is creating a point of friction within me which is then experience as excitement, like an adrenaline rush.

Now while I am busy working to stop the images in the mind, to stop looking at the pictures I see when I’m in my world going about my daily living, what is probably the most challenging is to not engage in this experience when I have physical access to the body parts, and I can through this physical touch/interaction, then experience the mental energy that I have mentioned about how I have defined these body parts in my mind, through physical touch – that is probably the most addicting because it is almost like I have made the images in my mind real because the association is so embedded where I touch – then automatically the mental information is triggered and then before I know it, my sexuality/intimacy is a mental experience.

Now what is fascinating about this whole experience is how similar it is to the way we commodify and take possession of the things in our environment/world in our capitalistic way of life – meaning that much of the excitement of the experience of these things is due to how much we have separated ourselves from them, and this act of separating ourselves from them is solidified through our desire to then have an experience of ownership/possession over them. We always tend to want what we don’t have. Let’s just take a look at a simple thing like breasts, for instance. Is it any different from that beautiful shiny new car that your neighbor has that you desire all the more simply because you (and he) believe and perceive that he has ownership over it and you don’t?

That is what the excitement of sexuality between men and women has become – the perceptual experience of attaining access to (or preferably some kind of ownership of) that which we perceive ourselves as separate from. “I don’t have that – I want it!” I mean if I had a pair of breasts then it probably wouldn’t be such an exciting thing to look at breasts would it? And in the cases where it is still the case that one with breasts likes to look at other people with breasts, this would then be more about how we have separated ourselves from each other as living beings/individuals, and even furthermore how we have separated ourselves from ourselves as life, through the creation of mental entities of ourselves called the mind. So as I investigate I see that this is extensive as the stopping of all objectification/commodification relates back to self definition that is created in fear of death/survival, but for now I will have to stick to dealing with the point at hand as each point of the mind can only be dealt with one by one.

There is a lot of research out there with which one can support themselves to see and understand how our sexuality has been developed by outside factors and mental information and the degree to which it controls us, if one is looking for it – for instance I suggest to study the work of Robert Jensen – however if one is not willing to give themselves the basic self respect of trying to understand themselves and facing the reality that you do in fact have a mind that controls your perception of reality (and inherent in that would be that your reality isn’t real because after all, reality is not a perception) then unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to help you get out of the mess that you can’t even admit you’re in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the physical body through creating a mental image of myself that is self-serving in terms of an image that I see as beneficial to my survival, containing within it certain traits that I have copied due to apparently being beneficial towards my chances of surviving and successful in this world as society has defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the female body as the differences in shape, namely in the legs, buttocks, hips, waist, breasts/chest, neck, arms and facial features – within this not realizing that these are chemical conditions which are then only given added value through how I/society have defined them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give added to value to the female body through defining it as ‘more than’ the male body and giving it added value do to the perceived exclusivity of it through defining it as separate from me/not me/not innately inhabited/possessed by me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to commodify a female body – or even my own male body – into something that I can apparently own or possess based on the desire to acquire it within a survival construct, due to how society has given extra value to the body as a commodity to be used in self interest and personal gain.

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by images/the touch of the female body or even my own body – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize how this has become a form of commodification/objectification/possession based in fear/self interest/survival – and I do not allow myself to participate in the thoughts/mental energy that is generated through the experience of seeing/touching them

I commit myself to touch and embrace the female body without a desire for an energetic experience and to embrace it as myself through breathing through the energies/thoughts/mental images arise through this experience – within this I commit myself to stop the expectation for an experience of ‘something more’ and to give up/breathe through the fear/belief that I am letting go of an experience of ‘something more’/something better

I commit myself to see what is beyond the mind as how I have come to define/experience the physical and the human body

I commit myself to stop giving added value to the female body and parts of the female body which I believe myself to be separate from simply because I am not having a perceptual experience of ‘possessing them’ through not touching/accessing them

When and as I see myself becoming excited/stimulated by the image/touch of female the female body and female body parts like breasts, buttocks and legs – I stop, I breathe, I do not continue my participation/movement based within this energy arising/stimulation, and rather breathe through it so that my movement is not creating a form of friction within me as energy/stimulation of the mind – I stop the mind control and move me here as breathe

Day 194: Die well, Bernard Poolman

I’m here to speak about Bernard Poolman, who passed away on August 11, 2013. When I heard of the news at first, I had to re-read the words a few times to make sure that this is what I was actually reading. I was flabbergasted. In shock and disbelief. I didn’t expect it at all, I mean I had even thought before about what it might be like in the future one day when I am in my 50’s and Bernard is in his 70’s, what life would be like then. This was totally unexpected as there was no kind of illness leading up to his death. My initial reaction was to try and make sense of it – how it happened or what it means, so that I can understand it sufficiently to make some kind of value judgment on it.

The truth is that in reality death is just another part of life. Life is life and has no beginning or end as it is life, and thus with every death as an ending, there is also a new beginning. As I am writing this, I am reminded that Bernard was actually the person who assisted me to open my mind and see death in a different light – not as something negative to be feared and avoided as we are taught to, but to embrace the opportunity that presents itself within change.

There was some sadness within my reaction to Bernards death, but interestingly enough I noticed that there was actually a part of me that kind of wanted to be sad. The fact is that (once again, as I remember Bernard once saying) sadness is pointless, and if I really look at it self-honestly, the desire to cry is really a selfish thing. I say this because Bernard was a being who truly lived every breath like it was his last: he did everything possible while he was alive on this earth to support me and all life to self-realize. He had already since a long time ago given me and everyone else the necessary tools to be able to create a life of perfection, to create a heaven on earth for myself and all of my brothers and sisters. He truly did everything possible to enable people rather than be dependent on him, and for this reason, I or no one else require Bernard to be around any longer for us to do what is necessary to be done to create a world that is best for all.

The only reason I could find for wanting him to stay is to have some sense of security, that ‘everything is ok because Bernard is here and he is almighty’ – which would then be the exact opposite of his message and a selfish thing because as long as I have this warm feeling rooted in dependency, then I will not change.

Bernards death drives this point to home. It is like a father figure dying in the sense that there is this cold, hard realization that ‘oh shit, I am on my own now, it is all up to me’ – and it is perfectly fitting because again, this was the message all along and it only reflects to me where I had missed the point of it.

It is funny how even in death Bernard has me looking at myself in self honesty. Everything he ever did always lead towards this same outcome: to support others to realize themselves and take responsibility for themselves, and I have never met a being that was so selfless and so impersonal, and yet was ‘so close to me’ – although these words are insufficient to explain this because it was more than that: with Bernard, if even for a moment of being with him or in his presence, you truly experienced what equality was and could be, what it was like to be beyond separation, and one with and equal to another being that is truly you, living in another individualized expression. I had never experienced anything like it.

Of course I will miss him and his expression, but within living oneness and equality, nothing is truly missed because again, the point is not to stand as separate to this point but to actually become one with and equal to it.

So getting past how I relate to the death of Bernard, I would like to speak more on the actual man he was, for anyone who is interested to know from my own personal account. I first encountered Bernard through the Desteni forums in October 2007. He didn’t often write large posts nor did he need to – I was always amazed at how powerful and directive his words could be, and yet with so few words and such simplistic terminology. The things he would say rang throughout existence as they were words that seemed to encompass an understanding of life in it’s entirety – and so within this the words would also ring true in my own life. The kind of words that applied directly to everybody’s life which everyone could relate to, providing us with clarity and stability along with intrigue and fascination. In a short time and with a few simple words, Bernard had already changed my life and opened my eyes to new perspectives that I had never before fathomed, yet explained everything that I had been experiencing in my life and that I had yearned to understand. After some time of asking questions on the Desteni forums, the first words he had ever spoken to me “you will not understand with the mind” were groundbreaking and spoke volumes to me, having vast implications over my life and how I would perceive everything in my life from this point onwards.

I knew that although I did not always fully grasp what this man was saying, that his words and his message were something that I really had to come to understand if I was ever to understand myself and this world, which he had already shown me, there was much, much more to it than I was aware of. Through very tough times I was extremely fortunate to have him here, and despite being a person as dedicated, committed and busy as he was (he once mentioned to me that he gets about 1000 e-mails a day) he was always there to assist me when called upon. There were never any pleasantries or small talk with Bernard, something that might be unnerving, and yet it was never needed as the substance of your interaction with Bernard spoke for itself – no reaffirmations were ever need to convince yourself that your experience with him was a positive thing, as is so commonly the case in all other day to day interactions with people.

Through the stability and purity of his words, Bernard showed his trustworthiness and there was not a single human being that I would have trusted with my life any more than him. And when I say ‘my life’ – I do not mean in terms of my survival or self interest – quite the opposite, as in that sense he posed the greatest threat! And yet despite any fear of loss or change, Bernard always has and always will stand as the reassuring example and stability that this is process of self change that I am undertaking is what must be done, that this is who I really am.

In March of 2010 I was fortunate enough to go to the Desteni farm and meet Bernard face to face. When I walked into the kitchen of the main house for the first time, he happened to be walking directly towards where I had come in, immediately stuck out his hand to shake mine and said “stop following me”, which was something that was written on a graphic T-shirt I was wearing at the time, and coincidentally this statement made from my shirt related directly to my process. There were many of these kinds of funny moments. I was initially very nervous to be meeting what I considered such a great man, and yet by the time came that I actually met him, all of that completely vanished and it was unexpectedly natural and fluid, it is like his presence allowed me to really be myself, and contrary to how I can be, I found myself extremely quiet in his presence, as if every word I could speak, before I could speak it, was reflected back to myself and so before my mouth even opened, I knew whether or not I was talking shit.

I noticed that Bernard moved very fluidly in everything that he did, he was always working hard at something, he was extremely dedicated and yet always cool, and he was always being followed by about 10 dogs! Surely they also enjoyed the stability of his presence. Having conversation with him was fascinating – he would show me things about myself that I was not even aware of, he would explain things about myself and existence that I could barely fathom, and within this it was always implied that he had the faith in me to eventually get what he was saying, despite how small or insignificant I may believe myself to be. Bernard was a person who had absolute faith in the potential of the human, despite all evidence pointing to the opposite, despite how much we may not believe in ourselves, he did. And while I had some fascinating discussions about the ‘bigger picture’ of life, no conversation or task was ever too small for Bernard. As an example, there was a time that I was trying to figure out how the fizzy drink machine in the kitchen worked. He showed me effectively how to use it and that was it. A seemingly small thing and yet it shattered any kinds of delusions of grandeur I may have had about him.

I always expected Bernard to be ‘hard on me’, being aware that he was not one to accept anything less than ‘who you really are’ – and yet he never judged me, and was actually very gentle in giving me just exactly what was needed to assist me with a point – nothing more, nothing less. Bernard had truly given himself up in service of life, and all the most acclaiming words are not enough to describe what it is like to experience a being that is so trustworthy and so pure. It was not about what he did, it was about who he was, as all of his actions indicated that this was no acting job; he had truly gone inside himself and sorted himself out as the creation of who he was. He was that person that everyone wished they could be, the image and likeness of perfection that is possible for every human to become – and by no magical means; he had dedicated himself and walked through his own process of doing whatever it took, of giving up whatever was necessary to do what is best for all life and to be a being who could be trusted with life and was the true image and likeness of God.

It was an amazing experience, and yet it was very normal. It was very ‘special’ by contrast of what the human has become, something flawed and evil in nature, but in terms of what life should be like, it was just normal. He didn’t have super powers, he couldn’t fly or do things that would make you go ‘ooh ahh, look at how special he is and superior to everybody’, he had no extraordinary skills or talents or gifts put on display, he was, as he explained, ‘just a beast’, and his mind was darkness. “There is nothing, just darkness” He said to me about what goes on in his mind. And yet with no mind, this man had been more capable and effective than any human being I had ever met. With any person in any given moment, he seemed to know exactly what was going on with that being and exactly what to say which would be something that resonated right through the core of your being and prompted a response.

And throughout all the chaos and bleakness of our world and our future, he provided a faith that was rooted in reality and thus a stability through certainty, that eventually, we would find our way, that I would find my way, because there was only one way; life as all as one as equal – and now that we know the way, we are on our way through the process that is taking place on earth. One of the earliest things I remember reading that he said about his own story was that ‘if anyone else had been in my position, they would have done the same thing – that is the faith I have in man’.

Some of you who know of my time living and working in Thailand may also be curious to know that it was Bernard who encouraged me to undertake this experience, which I initially had declined, and I am forever grateful for it as it has been an invaluable life changing experience. It was also Bernard that encouraged me to take on the Desteni I Process course, when I initially did not participate because I believed I was not capable of doing it – this was another life changing decision.

I suppose I could go on and on about the implications of Bernards time here on earth and what he had done to change this world to become a better place and a place that is best for all life. He has shown us how significant we are, within the point of ‘who we are’ – that you matter and that your life can be of great consequence, if you are able to let go of the illusion of self as ego and embrace yourself as the physical, as that which is really life. It is a tough process and yet the most rewarding thing a person could ever undertake.

My main experience with regards to Bernards death is one of regret – but again, this is more of a self reflection of a point that already exist within me, so here Bernards death is assisting me to look at myself. As an ongoing point, which I also experienced with regard to my time spent on the farm, I regret not having done more, not having applied myself more, not having lived as Bernard did as his equal; having done everything possible to honor life in every single moment of my existence. Even in his death he stands. He stands as the example, something that can never disappear or be forgotten as its effects are here and will remain here as those who walk in his stead. And so even in death has his message remained consistent: let’s get this done! That to honor life and sort out our world is still priority #1. Bernards death has lit a fire under my ass to really have me question myself, just as he did in life – am I doing everything I possibly can to stand for life?

Bernard once joked about how when we say ‘good bye’, we are actually saying ‘good buy’ – and to rather say ‘die well’. To the mind this may sound appalling, but if you really look at it, it is a self honest statement because everybody dies, and everybody would like to die well and we would all like each other to die well because that would mean that we lead a life on earth that was worth living, where we honored all other life as ourselves as equals. Bernard was a being who truly died well.

Die well, Bernard. You will be missed, but your message and what you stood for will not.

Day 137: re-defining entertainment and relaxation part 2

How have I defined entertainment, relaxation, and leisure time/activities? Basically things that stimulate me in a way where I feel good. I know myself well enough to know what those points are, as they have become habitual. While I am always looking for that good feeling based on what stimulates me – and preferably I want that good feeling-high to be as strong as possible – I mainly am doing all of this, whether it is a great high or not, as an escape from my reality. That is the main point – a distraction from what is here as I am still integrating points into/as myself where I am learning to actually enjoy myself, and what really enjoyment really is/means. While giving up the addictions, in the transition phase, real practical living – doing things that actually improve my life/the life of others – seems like ‘work’ and not fun and boring, but that is just the mind. I have walked through this experience many times before already and thus it must always be taken into account, every time that I am integrating a new point of living me.

So, what is the actual definition of entertainment, relaxation and leisure?

Entertainment: An activity that is diverting and that holds the attention


1. (physiology) the gradual lengthening of inactive muscle or muscle fibers

2. A feeling of refreshing tranquility and an absence of tension or worry

3. Freedom from activity (work, strain or responsibility)


1. Time available for ease and relaxation

2. Freedom to choose a pastime or enjoyable activity

Well, it looks like entertainment is the same for me as it would be for anyone – although I am able to re-define this point, it looks as though it’s current incarnation is purely as this point of escape that I had discussed. Relaxation has a physical aspect to it that is quite cool, in terms of seeing what in my world would then actually in fact relax me. While this would involve tranquility as an absence of fear/worry/tension/friction due to not being stimulated, it is not to be confused with the self deception created by participating in the positive stimulation points, as I discussed in my previous blog, that create relaxation as only a feeling as a perceptual experience in the mind. Leisure would obviously be the time available for relaxation, however again it is not to be confused with the feeling/perceptual experience of ‘freedom’ produced by the positive stimulation of points of entertainment that distract me from my reality.

While I will be continuing in the next blogs with self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of entertainment, relaxation and leisure, I have today for instance already taken a small step in self support of re-defining entertainment, by compiling a list of educational/supporting films/documentaries to watch, as things I can do while I give the body a break/rest, that will not stimulate and excite the mind.

It is important to note that this is a process/transition that involves changes in large parts of my life, habits that take up a large portion of my daily living that have been engrained over time, and thus while it will be important to direct myself in self honesty in every single moment, that I am not to be hard on myself – only self honest here in the moment, and to support myself with breathing throughout.

Day 121: Beliefs about sleep and nutrition – how much do we really understand about health?

Today, I woke up early after not much sleep – somewhere under 6 hours, as I had to get up early and I went to bed late, and it took me a while to get to sleep. Waking up was hard as hell, I felt so tired and groggy, and just wanted to sleep more, but I pulled myself out of bed to get to school and really once I made the decision to get up, got a coffee and went on with my day, it was actually cool and the grogginess and lethargy went away. Sometimes the grogginess doesn’t go away throughout the day and the day is difficult until I get some sleep, but strangely enough sometimes I will be groggy and tired all day, but then when the time comes to sleep, I can’t sleep.


My whole day was actually pretty cool energy-wise – I expected that I was going to be super tired and want a nap when I got home from school, but I didn’t. I thought about it, like ‘maybe I need to rest’ – even before I got home from school, almost anticipating it as something I should do because of when I got up and the knowledge of how many hours of sleep I got. But I simply continued with my day, did some studying, went to work and came home and it is only now that my body is starting to feel a bit tired, at nearly 12am. How well work went really surprised me, normally it can really feel like more of a drag than it really is. Not only did I notice a lack of fatigue, but I noticed how I was calm throughout my day and effective in my work because of this.


There have been so many experiences I noticed lately like this – regarding sleep and nutrition – where I keep having ideas about what I should or shouldn’t do, what is ideal and what is not – that just get shattered through my daily experiences, leaving me to question – wtf? How does this really work?


The fact is that I don’t know anything about how it really works other than assumptions that I make, through making associations with how I feel/experience with things in my outside environment, like sleep and food – somewhat randomly – where I look for the most likely thing to associate this experience with and sort of attribute this experience to it – it is a kind of form of blame.


What can I actually do, practically, effectively? I can work with the body – the one thing I am actually aware of! I can pay attention to the body is experiencing itself – give it rest when it needs rest, food when it needs food. Seems simplistic, doesn’t it? But what can complicate this is the mind, as the mind tends to create its own kind of food and hunger, and its own kind of tiredness and need for rest. In fact, these things are really just food as addiction to stimulation, and rest as lethargy and laziness.


I have a hard time distinguishing these two things, except for one telling point – the desire for food and sleep as mental addictions always comes up as a thought – “oh I am hungry, I want to eat this thing, oh I want to lie down and maybe I should rest”. Today for instance I got a craving for McDonalds, which I simply did not act on from too many experiences of eating McDonalds that felt shitty afterwards, so being aware of the consequences I did not do this, but I really had the desire to. Breaking addictions is a process, as the desires still come up and it will take a process of disengagement for those processes to come up less and less, and less intensely so. I would rather not learn through the consequence of having a shitty experience, so I am able to identify the nature of these desires as whether they are mental/based in thought or not, as a way of being pre-emptive and pro-active.


I really enjoyed not feeling so tired all day, not just this, but there was a kind of clarity that I haven’t had in a while, as I find that since I had been just letting myself sleep until I wake up, which would usually be 8 hours or so, there was like a kind of mental ‘wall’ – it is difficult to explain, but it is like it was hard to focus on anything and everything was difficult, I resisted everything and I became sluggish. Perhaps this is not so much based in the number of hours of sleep, but the very nature of being sluggish and not being pro active in general. Just sleeping until I wake up, and then sort of stumble through my day until I finally HAVE to do stuff. It really is a kind of laziness-drug lethargy, which would explain this ‘wall experience’ I’m having. Perhaps it is time to start a schedule where I wake up and do so with purpose – to give my life purpose and meaning where I wake up and want to wake up because I have activities that I would like to participate in. This, like giving up the addictions, may be a process, but I’m sure that being active and living with real purpose is something that I could get used to.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to self indulgence and laziness and food and sleep.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in my desires/addictions of the mind as not questioning my thoughts but instead just following them as if they are real.


I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to give my life meaning and purpose through self direction as planning my days with activities that are fulfilling and meaningful which would have make the act of waking up more enjoyable as living a life with fun activities that have meaning and purpose.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in or give any attention to ideas/beliefs/thoughts/perceptions/knowledge about sleep and eating as what is apparently healthy or ideal


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot break the addiction to sleep and food and live a life of meaning and fun and activity


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself in every moment and be proactive instead of only doing things when I am absolutely forced to/it is necessary


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create beliefs through arbitrary associations between how I experience myself and my outer world as food/sleeping in a search for answers outside myself as knowledge


When and as I see myself searching for answers by creating associations with how I experience myself with things in my outer world as food/sleeping – I stop, I breathe, I realize and understand that the mind does not understand the body and only seeks answers ‘out there’ separate from it as knowledge/ideas/beliefs/opinions – and I do not participate in the creation of these associations


When and as I see myself having thoughts/ideas/perceptions/opinions/beliefs/knowledge about sleep and eating, I stop, I breathe, and I do not allow myself to participate in the mind


I commit myself to support the body only in what it actually physically needs/requires


I commit myself to schedule myself and direct myself in every moment throughout my days and in this way, give my life purpose and meaning and learn a new kind of fulfillment and fun that is based within the context/starting point of self honesty and what is best for all life


I commit myself to break the habit of food and sleep addiction as lethargy and addiction to stimulation and move myself no matter how difficult it may seem in that moment – I move myself and breathe until this energy passes