Day 267: Laziness and energy flow

Throughout this process, sometimes I feel frustrated because I have worked on a point so much, and applied myself to change on this point – and yet may still fall from time to time. I feel like “I have figured this shit out, I know what it’s all about, I know how it works – why do I still fall? What am I missing here?

I have lived a life where basically I was given no real value or support to develop self expression, and in absence of that I developed a shell of a life, a shell of a ‘me’, a fake me to replace the real me to give myself an experience of having lived or having value. That is not life – that is energy and that is what most people seem to be doing to some degree or another – looking for the next high, the next happy experience of themselves. We are hellbent on this feeling that we perceive to be happiness.

Through this ‘fake me’ I have developed, I have developed all kinds of bad habits where the personality lives itself out to get this higher experience of itself – it is basically just ego. In a way these habits are really just a form of laziness, because it is so easy to just fall back into old habits and never have to act/work to live myself, to take on new experiences and self development – that takes far more work/action. As I remember hearing years ago through Desteni portal interviews: laziness is a drug. I see now the practicality and implications of these words more than ever.

I need to be realistic about the fact that stopping these habits take time and absoluteness. They require an absoluteness in my resolve to stand and stop these habits/patterns – both the bigger patterns and the smaller. The smaller points seem insignificant, like I can just let them ‘slide’ and they will be of no consequence or if there is a consequence it will apparently be minor and I can ‘handle it’.

But the fact is that these points begin what could be called a flow of energy. I saw this word ‘flow’ used in this way recently, to explain the accumulation of energy that is built up when we give into seemingly insignificant moments of weakness and desire, and it is a useful word in that its shows how the momentum of the energy is already moving, and from another blog I recently read it was pointed out to me how something that is moving is hard to stop, the more momentum and force it has. 

Seems obvious doesn’t it? Yet we always miss the obvious. So it is best that I not fool myself when I am playing with the fire of energy as seemingly small/harmless habits, thinking that I can handle it, because these are the points that inevitably lead to a big fuckup.

We tend to believe that we are in charge, that we are the masters of our domain – this is simply not so, but rather that voice in our head that tells us this is ego, stepping forth in place of your actual self to deceive you so that you don’t change and it can keep getting what it wants, like an drunk person believing they are in fine condition to drive. 

And there are so many ways to justify it: “just this one time, just a bit, I can handle it, I am stressed, I need to relax, I’m in a bad mood, this will cheer me up!” But as I have mentioned about my past history, these habits and the desire to give into these habits have been formed purely as a compensation for not having lived – replacing the experience of living a life of self value and self expression with a bundle of addictive behavior habits/patterns that give me an energetic experience which I have come to trust and call happiness.

So, this shit is going to take time, coupled with strictness and consistency in terms of what I will or will not allow. It will take time and consistency to stop the habits and to even first establish the new tools/support systems as consistent and unwavering, until they are natural and automated.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is the fuel of personality and with energy, the personality has a certain flow, and that this energy as personality will flow more when I give it more energy, and that this personality is not in fact me but a demonic entity that exist within me that drives me to the brink of my own possessions/obsessions as fears/beliefs/desires and that to give into even a single thought of desire is to build and accumulate energy which fuels the flow of the mind

 

Thus I commit myself to be strict in not giving into thoughts/moments of desire as I see, recognize and understand that it is only through these small moments that I am able to either damn myself or set myself free, and thus when and as I see thoughts of desire arise – I immediately stop, breathe and let go, to keep breathing if they are persistent until the energy has stopped, and as the energy has dissipated and been diffused through breath I am then able to move me, to express me, to live me a new and see who I am in these new moments of opportunity where I am no longer controlled, influenced and directed by my own weaknesses as thoughts of desire.

Day 237: Stepping up my application and tying up loose-ends

 

The are points in my process which I have been leniently allowing and letting slide for quite some time now and it’s time to really step up my application, because even though I am able to fool myself that these points are more ‘minor’ and justify that which the idea that I have changed in the more ‘major’/significant ways, the fact is that even the tiniest fall//thought can fuck up everything and even lead to falls back into the ‘major’ points in my process. By ‘points’, here I am referring to addictions/habits/patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as which require self correction. Time to get strict about bullshit and let myself really live and have some fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define living as being recognized by others positively/getting positive attention from others/impulsing others to feel positive and by association of that, to recognize me positively – I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to be limited/controlled/influenced/defined by the belief that I require this kind of experience to be able to survive, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience is real and always want to try and make that happy experience happen with others or to fear not having that experience with others or to fear when I am not having that experience with someone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor my process by giving positive values or negative values in the form of thought/reaction/backchat to that which I have defined as ‘doing well in process and not doing well in process’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a positive feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not smiling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn music and playing/listening to music into a crutch and a trap/limitation wherein I abuse music by using it as a way to boost my ego, as a way of compensating for my inferiorities in terms of where I lack skill/abilities/self confidence, by essentially drowning-out my reality by immersing myself in the drug of the experience I have when I listen to music and play music as an energetic experience, allowing myself tom in brief moments, be driven by a thoughts that bubble up as I am participating – I commit myself thus to watch who I am within the experience of playing music and to also be clear on my starting point as to why I am moving myself to participate in music 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life/process would be better or easier if I were in a relationship agreement with a Destonian

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my well-being and the well-being of others by allowing myself to fear not participating in energy/consciousness when interacting with other people within the belief that if I do not, others will reject me and I will not survive and have a pleasant experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to selfishly always want and desire to have an experience that is pleasurable as a form of energetic high as any form of mental experience/energy that takes me away from being here in the physical world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to qualify and judge my interactions/relationships/participations with others based on whether or not they agree with me or have the same principles as me 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define love and living as having friendship connections with others and within this, want and desire to ‘connect’ with others as friends a s form of having a positive energetic experience of myself that is like a drug of ecstacy that gives me a higher experience of myself that is experienced as positive until the energy fades and reality sets in again – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make good’ on instances in the past where relationships failed or I harbor some degree of guilt and regret and within that, want to ‘reconnect’ and forgive each other and have everything be ok between us, not realizing within this that making amends is not about the other and establishing a connection with the other, it is about who I am and correcting the nature of myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be directive with others when I see points come up that require assistance/support/direction by justifying what they are living as ‘cute’ and treat the point jokingly as if it is irrelevant, acceptable and a funny thing, simply because I fear to actually act and what may be involved in taking action which may challenge a being/contradict them, as I fear how the other may react or that they will not like me or they will reject me – thus I commit myself to stop allowing abuse in the name of ‘oh isn’t that cute and harmless’ and to direct that which I see as abuse/abuse in-the-making, rather than trying to support the other from a starting point of positivity, believing that I will have a better chance to convince them/support them if I am positive and make them feel good/positive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take that which I have defined as having value in my own mind based on my own self interest, and to impose it on others and insist that it has value and that they should recognize that value, as I now see, realize and understand that to present anything as ‘more than’ what it actually is in fact (but rather as a personalized value judgment/opinion) is actually brainwashing, no matter how well intended it may seem or how much I believe in the value I have given to that which I am sharing, as any form of presenting something as ‘the gospel’/special/profound/more than what it really is, is always indoctrination, deception and brainwashing 

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind energy in all of the smaller addictions that I have already identified in my life but have not completely let go of because I have deemed them as ‘small’ and ‘insignificant’ and thus being apparently ‘harmless’

I commit myself to stop making/looking for an energetic experience in my interpersonal relationships with other people, in my daily activities of watching videos, reading or writing, when playing the drums, when talking to my girlfriend, friends and family, with animals, the animal kingdom, nature, with anything in this reality with which I am creating some kind of energetic experience/relationship to 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is not real as anger is just energy which always fades in time and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others being mad at me and this madness being real/everlasting, when in fact, it is not who they are and can never be real as who they are

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within my fear of survival and desire to survive/have everything be ok/have positive experience and interactions with others in my world, I am in fact miss others completely and not seeing who they really are at all, and in no way considering them as life as equals as how they in fact exist and are experiencing themselves and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to neglect others who require assistance and support just as I require assistance and support

I commit myself to stop all fear as self interest as the fear of surviving/others and to thus stop neglecting myself and others as life as who we really are

Day 227: What does a Destonian mean when we say ‘stop the mind’?

It is fascinating the kind of reaction a statement such as this gets from some of the haters, and I notice that much of it weighs solely on semantics – the meaning we give to the word ‘mind’.

More commonly in western societies, the mind is given positive connotations: it is seen as the answer, something of real value and we had better use it or lose it. “have you lost your mind?” is what we say when someone does something insane. “use your mind….think for yourself!” we say of the value we give to thoughts and how they apparently serve us. After all, you don’t want to me a “mindless zombie”, would you? Fascinating that so much of this reaction is based purely on a blind energetic charge that we give to a single word.

Funnily enough, that with all of the minds in the world, all 7+ billion , it just doesn’t seem to be enough to make sure that everyone on this planet has food to eat, a roof over their head, an opportunity to work, to go to school, to have healthcare and other forms of support that are human necessities. So much for the ‘power of the mind’, because even if it does serve self, and that seems to work for a while – it won’t last – you will see.

Contrastingly, when you look at some old philosophies from the far east on the mind, a different approach can be found –  that the mind is something to silence, to be conquered, to be vanquished, to be transcended.

We tend to miss this point because we have taken for granted what the input has been that has created our minds – how our minds have been developed and influenced in ways that are destructive towards ourselves and all other life around us. And if one really looks at it, this mind is the thing that dominates us in every way. We are in no way directing your thoughts, on the contrary, they are directing us, they simply pop up and most of the time we don’t even notice. It is that voice in your head that tell you that you are not good enough, it is that feeling that tells you that you need something to be complete, it is that emotion that makes you fear others and your reality so extensively that you will spitefully take every measure to ensure that you are the one who will win over others.

This is why it is called mind control – and we are going to have to remove another false connotation here that mind control is something that someone is doing ‘to you’ – that is not the case. While society provides us with the example, it is we that copy it, and we do so from such a young age that we tend to even forget that it was we who allowed it in the first place.

Before you know it, one day we are all grown up and it is the mind that is in control. We trust it to such an extent that to even question it will be viewed as something that is evil, something that is done only by evil dictators and totalitarians. But who is the dictator really? Isn’t the statement of “this is me, this is MY mind and this is THE way, don’t ever question it, that is wrong!” an absolute statement of a totalitarianist dictatorship?

If a being has any true autonomy left, they would allow themselves the right to question their own mind, they would pursue the path of writing to see what is really taking place within and as their own mind and if you really look at it, I mean look at your thoughts, you’ll see that they are always judgmental in nature, always coming in the form of either positive or negative judgment call – the mind is calling you out – now it is time to call out the mind!

I understand that this has become such a difficult thing to question because the mind requires fuel to keep it alive and that comes in the form of living/repeating patterns/habits/addictions that are designed and scripted by the mind – the mind sets us on a path to feed its own logic, a path of logic, and we become pathological in the way we live out these patterns/habits/addictions that feed the mind, it is pathological, and as anyone who has been taken to the depths of their pathology as addictions can attest to, it can become really pathetic.

However what I am seeing more and more, the less and less I give into the wants and desires of my mind, those tough moments where I literally have to breathe until the desires go away – and sometimes that is really tough, you can feel and experience it like you’re losing everything, life a kind of death is around the corner – it is in those moments that you do not give in, that you no longer allow the mind to influence, control and direct you – that you grow the most, that you transcend the mind and break free from the grip it has on you. It is a kind of death – the death of your jailor who is a character you have created as your mind, and thus it is the birth of your freedom.

The cool thing about all of this is that you don’t have to take anyone’s word on it, after all we are weary of taking the words of others at face value because we know deep down that words as knowledge are the scripting tools of the mind and how mind control is administered. You can go test this shit out for yourself. Try to stop the mind, try to stop your thoughts from popping up – you will see how difficult it is, you will see the extent to which it is in control and you are not. Some will even go to the extent of convincing themselves that just because they cannot stop, then this is just ‘the way it is’ and that it is not possible to stop the mind.

The answer exist within each one as the truth of themselves but it requires self honesty to get to the bottom of what is really going on here. It is the greatest challenge one could ever undertake – to challenge themselves as each one has become their own worst enemy. You have to give yourself that gift of self honesty as the awareness to challenge your own mind and everything that you have ever believed in – you have to give yourself the gift of self forgiveness.

Day 200: Standing and facing myself within a relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in relationships based on the fear of loss and that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am to make the decision that is best for all, I must not allow the decision to be compromised by desire as the fear of loss

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand resolute and unwavering in principles that are best for all life, no matter how great the fear of being alone/fear of loss may be – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my process and the principles that I am to live by top create a world that is best for all to be compromised by relationships as the fear of losing relationships/fear of being alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed my standing within the principles as what is best for all to be compromised by personality as how certain personalities in my world relate/are linked to survival and the fear of loss – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must survive and that my survival is linked to/dependent on certain personalities to support me and exist within my life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear committing to a relationship because in fact how things progress and whether it is successful or not depends on me and who I am/the decisions I make, thus I forgive myself to fear committing and to use the excuse of whether or not the prospect looks good or not (as if I am not the one who determines that point) because I know that to commit and have a successful relationship means that I must love my partner as myself and do unto my partner as I would want her to do to me, and knowing that I must give up all desires and get real about sexuality and relationships to make it no longer about me and any desires to have power/control/dominate

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a relationship because I fear that I will not change if I allow myself to have a relationship – this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be single by justifying it as being ‘easier to change’ when in fact I place myself in a position of isolation where I am not forced to see and face the consequences of who I am reflected to me through living/interacting with another

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that whether or not a relationship is a supportive thing in my life is based on my starting point and who I am within experiences – and that if I am self honest, anything is possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn a relationship/my partner into a commodity to support my ego and survival rather than live practically within a relationship as a point of facing myself through intimacy and interaction with another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to play a dominant role in relationships where I am looking at how I can benefit/take advantage

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place my self-interest above what is best for both people in the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that somehow my partner will magically be at the same level of understanding as me and to judge my partner for not being at the same level of understanding as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to support my partner as my equal as that which is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I fear losing a relationship, then the relationship is never real in the first place and thus if I fear losing a relationship, it is me that is lost as I fear losing an illusion

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base who I am and how I feel on the relationship – meaning on how the other person on the relationship is feeling, and that I’ve allowed myself to depend on their feelings to direct myself, rather than stand within principles that I know are best for all – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to allow how another feels to influence who I am is to allow fear of loss/survival to influence me as I have linked how the other feels to my survival as needing/requiring them to ‘feel good’ and to ‘keep them happy’ in order to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my relationship partner is special as creating something ‘more than’ from which I base my survival as depending on having

I commit myself to get to the bottom of my fear of loss so and never again allow it to influence and compromise me and my relationships

I commit myself to stand within the decision to stick to living the principles/my process as what is best for all, not depending on my relationship, who I am with or where I am or how I am feeling

When and as I see myself fearing losing a relationship/displeasing my partner/fearing my partner feeling bad – I stop, I breathe, I see how this fear of loss is based on survival as the belief that I need and require a relationship to survive – and thus I do not participate in this fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to face myself both within relationships – as being self honest about who I am within them – and alone as I am always here alone in fact- thus I commit myself to face my fear of loss and desire both within relationships and here alone as it is for me to face me, and not look to others to save me or solve my problems for me

I commit myself to stop my desire for power and control within my relationships/interactions with others

I commit myself to see and insist where agreements can be made that is best for all and to do so unconditionally – not fearing losing another or what they may think of me

When and as I see myself judging my partner for not understanding me/not being at the same level of understanding me – I stop, I breathe, I see how this is me resisting wanting to take self responsibility in having to support my partner and come to an understanding through being the living example of the principles that I stand for as that which is best for all

When and as I see myself believing that my partner is special – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize how this is a form of commodification where I am making someone ‘more than’ as I see fit to support my survival/fear of loss/ego – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in this belief as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 182: Working with backchat as the inner voices

Today through my lesson in the DIP Pro course, I was learning about how backchat works – that means the thoughts in my head that I am having about myself and others, like another voice in my head, speaking back to me. What a strange thing, because there is only me, if one look at it objectively in the physical reality. So then having voices in my head, talking back to me as if there is more than one ‘me’, would indicate a form of multiple personality disorder. And really, who doesn’t have this?

I have learned about how the personalities are entities that I have developed for the sake of survival in different situations and environments, and that these mind personalities were passed on to me by my parents, and in this way I have become an exact copy of my parents, which is quite a scary thing – and this statement I am making has nothing to do with my parents per say but more about the fact that I am just a copy – that these thoughts and ideas can not be me, that is impossible, because it was just copied from those who went before me, without any real awareness of what I was doing. Having said this, it is interesting because I notice that in the moments in my life where I took on a particular point, there was a degree of awareness of what I was doing, of what I was accepting and allowing, but it is as though I immediately turned away from this awareness, turning my back on my self, turning my back on self honesty – so it is no wonder that this kind of behavior becomes pathological and ‘first nature’ and before one knows it, it is simply who they are and any memory or remembering of how they became this way is long lost, and unwittingly they simply believe ‘this is me’ to such an extent that there is not even an awareness that they are actually just believing it.

So within this learning experience has also been stressed the importance of keeping a backchat diary, to actually in the moment of backchat occurring, jot down what is happening and keep a record of it – and already I am noticing particular patterns in my thoughts – this is where it becomes even more clear as to what a scary scenario this all is – I mean, patterns, repeating themselves! Like a robot, a computer – it puts into even greater control the extent to which we are not in fact what our egos would have us believe we are.

Another important point I am seeing within all of this is how crucial it is to not participate in backchat, to not feed it or act on it, because it is obviously an untrustworthy thing by nature, and can have really destructive consequences as the machine is essentially taking me on a ride and I am in no way what whatsoever in any kind of control. Many ‘what if’s’ may come up, as in ‘but what if there is some validity to this point’ or any form of temptation to pursue it as if there may be answers there, so I am going to begin applying myself in stopping those justifications.

The really cool thing about working with backchat is that this is the real shit. Often I (and I’m sure many others) have wanted to and even attempted to sit down and sort themselves out but even then it is quite a challenge because we have no idea how to or where to start, and even in trying to be self honest proves difficult as we have already become self dishonest in nature. In other words, the very thing we are using to look at and assess ourselves with, is our delusion as our mind – and thus it cannot see itself for what it is, clearly – WE cannot see ourselves for what we are, clearly. With backchat – you are physically taking it out on paper and looking at it – no mind – and here is the really shit, the actual factual truth of what is in your mind, whether you like it or not.

This is the place to be, to work to sort ourselves out. I suggest if you have not yet, sign up for the Desteni I Process – you have no idea how much more there is ‘to you’ that you’re missing out on.

 

I commit myself to keep utilizing my backchat diary every day and every moment that I am able to when backchat occurs, so be able to see the patterns, and then correct the patterns with self forgiveness and self corrective application so that I may stop them/not participate within them with clarity, awareness and understanding.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall to the temptation of the justification of ‘what if this thought has a point/validity/answers/will benefit me?’ – Thus, when and as I see myself participating in backchat and feeding it or wanting to feed it or participate in it – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is not me, but rather it is my mind as an entity designed to limit, control and enslave me, and I do not participate in this desire to give power to backchat by participating in it as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 172: Your thoughts determine who you are

Through the Desteni I Process, I have found a unique opportunity, which is to begin writing out my backchat on a daily basis – that means all of my thoughts from the various personalities/characters that exist within and as my mind.

I noticed a fascinating thing about this today, which is the degree to which we take for granted the thoughts we are having, and the degree to which these thoughts are then having an influence over our lives in every way. Imagine, how many thoughts do you have every day? Many. Out of that very large number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take notice of? Very few. Out of that small number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take the time to jot down on a piece of paper or on your computer, to be able to self reflect? Of those thoughts you have jotted down to be able to self reflect, how many do you then deconstruct, to see how they were formed and how they function in specific detail? It is really staggering how much we take for granted, and it is no wonder that we often perceive a simple skill like predicting the future as some mystical magical ability.

So I today I began a ‘backchat diary’ – taking notes of all the thoughts that I can, throughout my day as they come up (a pocket sized not book is useful for this). Another cool point here is that within doing this, you really get to know yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt, in a way that is undeniable, because no matter how you would like to think of yourself, your thoughts will always tell the real story and often a very different story from the self image that we have of ourselves where we tend to only see what we want to.

Taking responsibility for the thoughts we have is really a simple point of self honesty and taking self responsibility for who we are and what we have become, the influence of which we are seeing in our world today, as the complete disaster that it has become. In doing this, one will really get to know themselves and find things, that once reflected upon from a starting point of integrity/equality – is really nasty, unacceptable stuff when contrasted by the people we would like to be and the world we would like to create. Furthermore, as it has been pointed out to me before, we simply do not understand the mechanics of where a thought comes from: where it originated, what purpose it serves, the process it goes through as we think and continue to think and live-out our lives under the influence of these thoughts, becoming characters defined by thoughts whose origin we are not even aware of. Wouldn’t you like to know who you are? Why you are? Why you think the way you do? Why you do the things you do? Why the emotions and feelings that are generated from our constant and continuous thinking feel so real and are so over bearing and consuming all the time?

So, when I say this is a simple point of self honesty and self responsibility, that carries within it no systematic morality connotation of ‘being a good person’ in an altruistic sense – it is simple self honesty where you realize “oh my God, there are these voices in my head that are literally controlling me and determining who I am – and I don’t have a grip on it or even the slightest idea how it all works”. Within this point of self honesty, also exists the basic point of having some self respect.

Day 171: A life of servitude and inferiority: part 3

I commit myself to stop making value judgments on myself/others based on their monetary/status worth within the eyes of the current world system – when and as I see myself having thoughts/judgments about myself/others based on this point – I stop, breathe, and do not participate in such value judgments

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to act perfect and feeling the need to act perfect and impress others/do something ‘special’ to make an impression on others – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this tendency is based on a long established habit of believing that I can only be recognized by the mind as someone ‘special’ who impresses the mind by triggering reactions within the mind – and I do not participate within this want/desire/urge as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself worrying/fearing what others think of me as judgments – and within this the subsequent urge to prepare myself and behave in a certain way that will change their judgments from negative to positive – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a fear within the belief that I cannot direct the mind here as life – and thus I do not participate within this fear and subsequent desire, as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions about what others may be thinking –rather I breathe here and allow myself to direct myself/others here in the moment

When and as I see myself believing that being alone is better/wanting to be alone/by myself as an escape from the stress/pressure of being around others – I stop, I breathe, I realize that I have associated memories of being alone and relaxing for a moment due to being removed from an environment where I believed that I must act a certain way that is fearful in nature, and thus this is only a perception based on who I believed I must be and thus, the belief that being alone is not real as it is based on a false belief of who I must be around others – thus I do not participate in this temptation of the desire to be alone and away from others, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I commit myself to build self trust through the stopping of the tendency to participate within the desire to act in character/fear that I must be some special/impressive character – and by breathing here through this desire and directing myself within the moment as breath as the stopping of participation within these character constructs

I commit myself to recognize/value myself as life as who I am through no longer participating within characters/ideals of perfection as what I believe others want me to be which is based on fear and the belief that I will not be recognized as life – realizing here within life that being recognized as life, starts with me here in the moment, every moment

Day 170: A life of servitude and inferiority: part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as an inferior being whose sole purpose is to serve my masters – as those who I see as being superior to me, based on a perceptual illusion of them having power over me such as higher money/status within the eyes of society, and thus those who I fear as I believe that I depend on them for my survival – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival is based on those who, within the eyes of the current system, are recognized as having more power (money) than me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define those who have more money as superior to me and thus myself as inferior to them, producing a state of fear/subservience within/as myself

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enter a state of anxiety when others are around wherein I feel the need to impress them/act perfect – rather than allow myself to breathe here and act natural

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that the tendency to play a perfect character is compensation for other character flaws that exist within and as me and thus if the tendency to go into the perfect character arises, then I can know one thing: that I am still accepting and allowing other character flaws within/as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be self conscious and that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that this is in fact a defense mechanism that prevents me from learning/growing

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the experience of relief/release when I am alone and with the activities that I do when alone to ‘relax’, are in fact worsening the experience I have of myself when I go out into this world as I am then continuing to not face myself and see/understand/stop the reasons why it is so stressful to be around others, by using this experience of enjoyment of being alone/activities in being alone as an escape/compensation for character flaws that make being around others stressful

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted this polarized system of ‘work and play’ – where I try to be the one perfect character of what people apparently want and then want to be another character where I can let loose and have no responsibility – as normal – rather than stopping both sides of this cycle as these characters

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be some perfect character that does everything right and pleases others, within the belief/fear that others will not recognize me as life and thus, that I must be this character

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the fear of survival to drive me to play characters within the belief that it is only characters that will receive recognition and value – and within this that I have not accepted myself as life here within ad as my interactions with others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the tendency to not trust others in valuing me as life equally is in fact a lack of trust in myself, created through the belief that I must be some character to survive/be accepted, rather than trusting myself here as who I am to direct myself/others in every moment with common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to copy the disregard, neglect and inconsideration that was shown to be by others at a young age, through disregarding, not considering and neglecting myself by believing that I must be some character as an idea/ideal of perfection, based on what I believe others want me to be – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to design characters and ways of living that are based on ideals of perfection based on what I believe others want, as a survival mechanism, in fear of survival

Day 144: What is the big idea behind success? Part 3

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not exhibiting the kind of character that others like or focusing on the kind of knowledge that others value within the context of fearing failure to be accepted by the group, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate fitting in with the group with survival and thus fearing failing to be accepted and like and being rejected by the group with not surviving, creating the idea of not fitting in as ‘the worst thing I could do’ and thus feel a strong urge/necessity to access characters/personalities/knowledge in the attempt to be liked/accepted by others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – within the context of wanting to be accepted by/fit in with the group – define making a mistake as the worst possible thing I could do, and that I have not allowed myself to make mistakes and trust myself within living and potentially make mistakes, within the context of utilizing mistakes to learn to live more effectively

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that stagnating within the fear of making mistakes is much worse than living and making mistakes because in fact my whole life has already become one big mistake and thus it must be LIVED to even be able to see what requires to be learnt/corrected – not realizing that not allowing myself to live and make mistakes within self trust is in fact further accepting myself as inferior because I do not trust myself to learn and improve, giving myself the trust opportunity that I can become better

 

When and as I see myself going into characters/personalities and latching on to knowledge/ideas which I will believe will please others within the fear of making mistakes and not being accepted/surviving within the group – I stop, I breathe, I allow myself to stand alone here in self trust and self honesty and live unconditionally, and I do not allow myself to participate in this fear of the mind as these characters/knowledge – I realize that I do not require personalities/knowledge to live and trust myself in self honesty to live here as the physical, without ideas

 

I commit myself to walk my process as a physical process and live without dependency on knowledge and characters/personalities to survive

 

When I see myself suppressing myself/stagnating because I fear making a mistake – I stop, I breathe, I allow myself to live naturally here even if I make mistakes initially as I trust myself to be self honest and learn from my mistakes, I realize that I will never learn if I suppress myself and that I must face who I am currently here in the moment – I do not participate in this idea of the mind of trying to be a certain ‘perfect character that does not make my mistakes’ and thus, I stop suppressing myself/stagnating

 

I commit myself to stop suppressing myself through ‘perfect characters’ of what I would like/project myself to be within the acceptance/allowance of my own inferiority/imperfection, and to live naturally even if I make mistakes – I commit myself to live naturally here as who I am, even if it means making mistakes initially as I trust myself to learn from myself through facing myself

 

Day 132: I can’t do it on my own – part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and fear that I will not be able to support myself and direct myself effectively in my life in common sense as doing what is necessary to survive as well as living a fulfilled life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to form a relationship/friendship from a starting point of lack/fear of survival/believing that I cannot support myself and survive effectively alone and thus believe that I require relationships to be taken care of

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with others for not being sufficient/good enough within the context of what I want them to be/do for me within the belief that I require/depend on others to live and survive and ‘get what I want’ in life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to control and mold my environment and those around me from a starting point of believing that I am not capable and thus require help/others to do things for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self belief of incapability/lack/inferiority onto others as the belief that others also require help/to be saved and cannot succeed on their own

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not investigate all possible options to educate myself on something and all possible means of supporting myself, before seeking help from others as a form of laziness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the deception of laziness – that if I always get others to do things for me, I will never learn for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the fear of being alone is based within inferiority/lack/the belief that I can’t do it on my own and thus if I am to stop this fear of being alone, I must direct myself here in self honesty when I am both alone as well as with others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in culturally with others, in the things I do, the ways I dress, act, the interests I take – all within a greater survival mechanism that exist as the fear that I cannot ‘do it on my own’ and thus must be liked/approved/seen highly/accepted  by others so that I may use them to get what I want and have them do things for me where I do not believe I can stand on my own

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stimulate my personality as who I have defined myself within my culture so that I may further ingrain my personality and function through it as a survival mechanism within the belief that I cannot survive on my own as who I really am as the self directive principle, but rather require to live as a personality which will then be recognized by other personalities who will then hopefully do things for me as long as I play the personality game well enough to be one of the personalities that ends up ‘on top’ so that the lower caste of personalities will do my bidding

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to –within the belief that I cannot direct myself here and do things on my own as the self directive principle in self honest common sense – believe that I need/require to feel good and have nice feelings by stimulating my personality, to be able to do things – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make an association with feeling good and the ability to do things, believing that feeling good is what is required to enable me to do things – not realizing that this is not self direction/self movement but rather being directed by energy, which is simply not sustainable or who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my reality and through this separation as self definition/personality, not stood one and equal to my reality and thus believed that I must have control over that which I have separated myself from as others/my world in order to survive, creating the belief that I am inferior/existing in lack and therefore, cannot live, survive and do things on my own as the self directive principle

 

This blog will continue in part 3 where I will begin to write self corrective statements on the point of ‘I can’t do it on my own’.