Tag Archives: fall

Day 322: Wasting a moment



Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?


I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.


Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.


This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all


Day 267: Laziness and energy flow


Throughout this process, sometimes I feel frustrated because I have worked on a point so much, and applied myself to change on this point – and yet may still fall from time to time. I feel like “I have figured this shit out, I know what it’s all about, I know how it works – why do I still fall? What am I missing here?

I have lived a life where basically I was given no real value or support to develop self expression, and in absence of that I developed a shell of a life, a shell of a ‘me’, a fake me to replace the real me to give myself an experience of having lived or having value. That is not life – that is energy and that is what most people seem to be doing to some degree or another – looking for the next high, the next happy experience of themselves. We are hellbent on this feeling that we perceive to be happiness.

Through this ‘fake me’ I have developed, I have developed all kinds of bad habits where the personality lives itself out to get this higher experience of itself – it is basically just ego. In a way these habits are really just a form of laziness, because it is so easy to just fall back into old habits and never have to act/work to live myself, to take on new experiences and self development – that takes far more work/action. As I remember hearing years ago through Desteni portal interviews: laziness is a drug. I see now the practicality and implications of these words more than ever.

I need to be realistic about the fact that stopping these habits take time and absoluteness. They require an absoluteness in my resolve to stand and stop these habits/patterns – both the bigger patterns and the smaller. The smaller points seem insignificant, like I can just let them ‘slide’ and they will be of no consequence or if there is a consequence it will apparently be minor and I can ‘handle it’.

But the fact is that these points begin what could be called a flow of energy. I saw this word ‘flow’ used in this way recently, to explain the accumulation of energy that is built up when we give into seemingly insignificant moments of weakness and desire, and it is a useful word in that its shows how the momentum of the energy is already moving, and from another blog I recently read it was pointed out to me how something that is moving is hard to stop, the more momentum and force it has. 

Seems obvious doesn’t it? Yet we always miss the obvious. So it is best that I not fool myself when I am playing with the fire of energy as seemingly small/harmless habits, thinking that I can handle it, because these are the points that inevitably lead to a big fuckup.

We tend to believe that we are in charge, that we are the masters of our domain – this is simply not so, but rather that voice in our head that tells us this is ego, stepping forth in place of your actual self to deceive you so that you don’t change and it can keep getting what it wants, like an drunk person believing they are in fine condition to drive. 

And there are so many ways to justify it: “just this one time, just a bit, I can handle it, I am stressed, I need to relax, I’m in a bad mood, this will cheer me up!” But as I have mentioned about my past history, these habits and the desire to give into these habits have been formed purely as a compensation for not having lived – replacing the experience of living a life of self value and self expression with a bundle of addictive behavior habits/patterns that give me an energetic experience which I have come to trust and call happiness.

So, this shit is going to take time, coupled with strictness and consistency in terms of what I will or will not allow. It will take time and consistency to stop the habits and to even first establish the new tools/support systems as consistent and unwavering, until they are natural and automated.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is the fuel of personality and with energy, the personality has a certain flow, and that this energy as personality will flow more when I give it more energy, and that this personality is not in fact me but a demonic entity that exist within me that drives me to the brink of my own possessions/obsessions as fears/beliefs/desires and that to give into even a single thought of desire is to build and accumulate energy which fuels the flow of the mind


Thus I commit myself to be strict in not giving into thoughts/moments of desire as I see, recognize and understand that it is only through these small moments that I am able to either damn myself or set myself free, and thus when and as I see thoughts of desire arise – I immediately stop, breathe and let go, to keep breathing if they are persistent until the energy has stopped, and as the energy has dissipated and been diffused through breath I am then able to move me, to express me, to live me a new and see who I am in these new moments of opportunity where I am no longer controlled, influenced and directed by my own weaknesses as thoughts of desire.

Day 189: Is Desteni a scam? Part 3

Here I am continuing with my first hand testimonial on the Desteni group and principles for which it stands and by which its participants live.

Time went on and I my life continued to get more difficult and all kinds of challenges came up. Naturally as this happened, having already found what Desteni shared were practical tools to support myself through my journey, I continued to research the material, trying to better understand myself and the situations I found myself in. One thing I found was that applying myself fully, stopping my habits and addictions and living in complete self honesty, completely forgiving myself, was very difficult. I would want do live one way, and have such strong intent to do so, and then all of a sudden completely fall from my intent back into old ways. There were some points about me that I couldn’t even fathom giving up or changing, some points that I wasn’t even aware of, and some that I simply said ‘I don’t want to give these up – they’re too great!’. This despite me knowing the importance of self change and the vast implications of what it actually would mean to change myself – that this was something that I must do for life, and how shameful it would be if I couldn’t bring myself to do such a thing.

Therefore in the times where I had been weak and consciously strayed from the principles of oneness and equality as what I knew was best, I could never find it within myself to justify my actions and find some way to claim that I was self righteous or that the Desteni message/what was necessary to be done in self change, was in any way flawed. It was I who had become flawed and in light of such principle I was humbled and shamed. Shame here not being an unhealthy thing – because it was shame in the face of the standard of what I knew was best, and therefore how I was letting myself down, how I was ‘letting life down’, if I could put it that way.

After some time of researching the material, I became interested in visiting the farm in South Africa and seeing it all for myself. Eventually, after a year of living in Thailand because of a new job, I got the opportunity to go visit the farm in South Africa. Because of how difficult I was finding my own process, as much as I wanted to go to the farm, I was extremely nervous all the way until I arrived at the farm. Interestingly, the closer I got to the farm, the more my nerves cooled.

The farm was an amazing experience in that I really got to unwind and experience myself in a social environment unlike any other I had ever been in. People enjoyed themselves. They lived simply in terms of there being no social bullshit, no drama. People did not tend to be obsessive with relationships and band together (or quarrel) just for the sake of it, just for the sake of their own egos. Interaction was direct, specific and always supportive. That’s what it was all about, with everyone I interacted with – supporting each other – imagine an entire world community like that. Working on the farm was an experience unlike any other because it was within no hierarchical context, there was never any kind of pressure except for the pressure I had become accustomed to putting on myself. I learned a lot from the people there, every day was interesting, and I would even get some very specific support to assist me with exactly where I was at in my own process – all of this completely free. They were even kind enough to take care of me financially while I stayed on the farm. What other ‘total strangers’ do you know that would do this for you? This is why when some make claims that Desteni is a scam – always from a distance of course – I have to laugh at the absurdity of it. All the support I had ever received was free, in return receiving nothing but personal growth, self improvement, clarity and stability, and in turn being able to assist and support others with that which I had been fortunate to have been given.

Times however even got difficult for myself while on the farm as even here, I was still alone with myself and still my own worst enemy, and I found it hard to completely let go of some of my habits. I had always judged myself intensely for what I had become, and I had always almost expected that one day, someone would come at me and call me out and be like yelling and screaming at me for how fucked I was – but it never happened. I was given complete and utter support for all that I had become, with all my fuckups and imperfections, and all without even a tinge of judgment. Why? because here among Destonians is where the principle of oneness and equality is actually lived.

To be continued in part 4