Tag Archives: truth

Day 319: Self honesty as the starting point for practical action


That I am here in this moment is almost the only thing I can be certain of. Life seems to move so fast and the mind reacts so instantaneously and seemingly naturally that I miss so much of what prompts me to ‘speed up’ and move at a pace where I don’t always really pay attention to what I am doing, what I am saying. This is not to say that I shouldn’t act naturally, but that there are certain things which I see, that if I just gave myself a moment and didn’t give into my mind/fears so automatically, I could then give myself a chance to direct myself more effectively in a way that is less considered/walked: as breath.


When I am honest with myself I can see how I have been programmed to live a life of self-interest – the base mentality that we are all programmed with because as long as we all play and support this game, those who have massive advantages over the rest of us (by virtue of their birthright) will always win a game that we create and support by virtue of our allowance and participation in it. The outflow of this is that I am addicted to certain things in my reality that I experience as “I like doing this” because it gives me some kind of inner experience of nice feelings.


When I look at the basics of these addictions – greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, pride – it is sufficient as a guideline to at least know what not to do, to know what not to participate in – it can just be difficult at times to fully apply myself in not participating in such habits, and also to remain consistent in doing so. And yet when I do, and stick to this basic guideline of not participating in my own selfishness, my own self interest: a whole new world opens up where I can actually live for real, where I can live in a way where my starting point and consideration is what is best for all live, including all as one as me – so essentially, addictions are the ‘food’ of the mind and ego – no matter how seemingly innocent they are or how we may justify them to ourselves.


When I look at my life, there is so much that I can convince myself is important and that I must obsess over, ‘or else apparently I will lose out, apparently I will not survive and thrive if I do not obsess over my own self interest, if I don’t live in constant fear of loss and defeat’. This is the mentality of my culture, my society: compete and win at all costs – fuck everything else, fuck life – we just don’t want to see it that way because we present our self interest and addictions as wonderful, fun, innocent – whatever. When I look at my life, apparently: my job is so important, my relationship is so important, the experience of feelings that I have defined as “love” is so important, whether or not others like me and how they think of me is important, whether I look good or not is so important, whether or not I have lots of money to buy things for myself is important, having lots of fun and great experiences is so important, my family and friends is so important, etc. etc. If this is so – and given that humans were created equal – what does this imply of all the billions of people who live only to suffer and have no chance of ever experiencing success and dignity in any of these points I have previously mentioned? Wouldn’t my priority as a responsible human being then be to work to ensure that all beings on earth are given the same opportunities and rights of those things that I obsess over and believe are so important for myself? It is going to require a great degree to humbleness to accomplish anything of real significance in this way, in this reality.


I have a tendency to over-think things, to procrastinate, to worry and wonder if I am ‘doing things right’ and ‘what is the best way to get this done’ – it is simple – self honesty – you just do it. Do away with all the shit in your life that you have falsely claimed is so important, ‘get a life’ and change your priorities – stop participating in the shit that only makes me feel nice but makes no real difference in the world as the world continues to plummet into hell. Self honesty is extremely simplistic and really just requires us to give up the things we fear and resist giving up.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give priority and value to my own self interest, which includes all of my addictions and activities that I participate in which make no real difference int his reality and just give me the illusion of happiness and fulfillment because they create feelings in me that are based in separation from life as they serve only ego and self interest, and I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to justify such actions as apparently being all in good fun and somehow being that which is best for all by making me happy first.


I commit myself to identify my priorities, what does not require attention and what does, based on the principle of participating in actions and doing whatever is necessary that will accumulatively, eventually and inevitably create a world that is best for all life and to no longer question or doubt or delay myself through over-thinking things and giving into the fearful thoughts and resistance of the mind, and rather act here as breath in self honesty as who I really am as life, where the mind is unable to deceive me by directing me with thoughts that are programmed to only serve self interest


Through directing ourselves as life, our example resonates, and its effect permeates reality like water, in a way that is beyond what we have always known: trying to control ourselves, others and our reality with the mind from a starting point of fear and self interest, as this will never produce a result as a world that is best for all life.

Day 312: Always give the integrity you expect from others

(This post was written with regard to a reaction of anger and frustration I had towards another persons behavior recently, as I judged them as ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘secretive’, fearing what they might possibly do to me)

So about my reaction. It was so strong and intense. It was all about control and being pissed off about ambiguity. The desire to control is pattern, I am seeing. Due to my reaction, it was difficult to write with any clarity, I was completely fucked and the things I was writing were taking things way too far.

What is this control and desire to control about? It is about the fear of ‘what could happen’ – that ‘what if’ fear. It is the fear of what others could do to me. And that is, in a way, just the fear of myself and what I could do to others. It is just memories that haunt me, which have me in this permanent state of paranoia, and before I know it, I am already ready to ‘strike at others’, whether that is anticipating being hurt and how I would strike back, or whether being preemptive of this fear of being hurt my others.

Why is self preservation all that matters? If I did not exist this way, would the ‘what if’ possibility of what others could potentially to do me be of any concern? No. Just the same way it would be pointless to live in constant fear of being hit my a bus. Sure it could happen, it COULD. Does it matter? Not really. Because who I am is all that matters, as it determines how I experience myself for as long as I am here.

What I fear is my own self interest – because, even if faced with the evil of another, how can I possibly trust myself to direct the outcome in a way that is best for all, if I have not transcended the same evil myself?

The ego takes this ‘what if fear’ and projects it very deceptively onto others. But if I give up that which I desire that exist as self interest – what is there to fear of others really? What is there to lose? I just end up becoming intolerant of others because of these fears, I create desires and expectations about what others should be. But as someone said to me once: “always give the level of integrity that you expect.” And – save for situations where it is proven that I am being outright abused by another – this holds true. Nothing else matters and to ‘risk everything’ (in the eyes of the mind/fear) is what will be necessary to give such a thing.

This will be a brief post for tonight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what others can do to me, not realizing that this is in fact the fear of myself as how I am existing, and within this fear, that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control others through placing expectations of how others should be, and that I have rather not accepted and allowed myself to be that which I would like/desire others to be, as I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is the only way to create that which is best for all – to risk everything and live as the example

I commit myself to take self responsibility for myself first and foremost and to investigate and stop my reactions towards others and my desires/expectations of what others should be – and to rather remove such controls, which are birthed in fear, through standing myself as that example and to live with the integrity that I would expect from others as I see, realize and understand that this is in fact what is best for all.

Day 190: Is Desteni a scam? Part 4


Here I am continuing with my testimonial of the Desteni group through first-hand experience and participation within the group and the principles by which it lives.

One of the points that stands out about the Desteni group is that it is a group that lives by principles – not personal preferences. The integrity of this group on principles that are best for all life is unlike I anything I have ever experienced before, because the principles always stand absolute despite any personal principles or self interest one may have, whether they are a member of the group or not. That is not to say that anyone in the group is special, as if we were born that way – no – upon investigating the group one will see that they are ordinary human beings who go through all the same shit as a normal person – the difference is, when a ‘problem point’ emerges with a Destonian, the point is always self-responsibility first, through self honesty.

One great example of this is in how the group does not play favorites with members – all are held to the standard of self honesty and what is best for all life, so Destonians get no preference. If a Destonian is then for instance found in a dispute with an outsider, there is no automatic taking of sides, and if it is found that the Destonian has not been self honest and is acting in ways that is not best for all life, that point is to then be sorted out by that Destonian.

Support is given unconditionally to all, whether they are members of the group or not  – and so the only thing stopping one from getting any support is themselves, because the support is all about self honesty and self responsibility – and who wants to do that?

There are no doctrines or rules to follow – there is only self honesty as only self knows the truth of self, only self is aware of what exactly is going on in ones mind. Within this, there is then no brainwashing in terms of convincing people what to think, rather self education is encouraged and Desteni are a group of real leaders who support others to enable themselves to think independently and figure things out for themselves. Here, the importance of vocabulary and how words are used to deceive and control, is key, as conversely words also hold the key to stopping deception and self deception, and structuring a persons mind in a way that will be beneficial to them and their environment.

After my visit to the Desteni Farm and a couple years of supporting myself with the tools they had been giving freely, I decided to enroll in the newly established Desteni I Process course, which was a way that one could learn and do their process in a structured fashion for a monthly fee. Having found what they provided me thus far to be very effective and already being so grateful for what I had learned and how I had changed, I decided to take the course and really get on with my process. I didn’t know what to expect with the course and it was unlike anything I had ever done before, but the results came steadily and surely. Over time I had come to understand even more about myself and the human mind and how it functions, affecting my entire experience of myself in my world, my personal well being and my overall quality of life.

I eventually came to a point where I could no longer afford the course due to financial limitations, and I worried that I would no longer be able to progress at the steady and sure rate that I had been. Yet again the group was there to support me by providing me the opportunity to continue the course, free of charge –and to this day I am still doing the course, free of charge on a sponsorship. As I had mentioned, the only thing really stopping oneself from engaging in this process is themselves, and any claims that Desteni is some kind of a money making scam are obviously unfounded. I already saw this when I visited the farm for the first time and saw first-hand how they were living.

This is the main ‘end game’ goal that I have heard those who make claims about Desteni without proper research, speak of. And if the claim is not that someone is benefiting financially, the claim is that there is some kind of idolatry going on, that it is either money or fame as the ‘end game’ goal. Particularly that it is Sunette Spies or Bernard Poolman that are gaining all this apparent popularity that somehow benefits them.

Now as I mentioned already, the participants in Desteni stand resolute within the principles of oneness and equality above personality and personal preference – therefore any kind of idolatry is obviously something that is not able to be allowed within the group. Funnily enough, the very first words that Bernard Poolman ever said to me when I met him was ‘stop following me!’.

As well as this, we live in a world where people capitalize on messages of love and light, telling people what they want to hear, that they are special, and finding every way to play to their hearts desires. It doesn’t take much research to see that what Desteni shares doesn’t fall in line with that at all – on the contrary, they are saying we are all equal and thus no one is ‘special’ from that perspective, and they are showing people the absolute mess that the human mind and the world has become due to our complete self interest and delusions of self importance, which completely contradicts the message you so often hear in our consumerist society that tells everyone that ‘everything is just fine’ and ‘you are perfect the way you are’ and ‘learn how to get more’.

What I have found most prominently in those who have claimed that Desteni is somehow a bad thing (usually through simply using the word cult and hoping that it’s common connotation as being a negative word infects those who cannot think freely for themselves) is that they simply have a point in their world that they fear giving up as, in their view, their world is ‘working for them’, and because the fear of failure and the fear of loss is so great, anything that they may perceive as threatening their position of success and exposing the truth of their success – that it was built in a world of lies where good people die for no reason and the greedy and deceitful get rich – will simply be written off as ‘bad’ or a ‘cult’.

Many who might claim to be open minded should check out Desteni and the message they share because it will surely put that claim to the test – do you have the courage to actually study the material seriously, apply the principles and test it all out – or are you going to stand there from a distance and make demonizing claims to incite fear in others who may also not have the courage to really see for themselves?

The fact is that unlike the mass majority of groups and movements who capitalize their fame on sensationalism, Desteni has no claim to fame – because all Desteni is doing is pointing out the truth of existence, what is already here, if people would so dare to open their eyes. It is no secret that humans tend to only see what they want to see and only remember things as they want them to be remembered, that we are our own worst enemies. Desteni, I have found, is not against anyone, save for this ‘enemy’ within you. If one would dare to admit, that they are not perfect, that everything is not ok in their world, that we require correction and improvement, not out of self interest, but because they recognize that life is being ab-used – then Desteni is a simple thing to embrace.


Day 187: Is Desteni a scam? Part 1

My name is Adrian Blackburn and I am here to give my perspective on what is referred to as ‘Desteni’, or the ‘Desteni group’ or even the ‘Desteni cult’ by some. One of the reasons for this is that while there are people on the internet who make claims about what Desteni is, it is important to check the source of who it is that one is getting this information from, as with any research. The reason I insist on sharing my perspective is that I have an actual first-hand perspective on this group, as someone who has studied the material of the group extensively, applied and lived by the principles they are sharing, and involved myself physically with the group in ways that include actually meeting with and participating with others involved in it. This is an important point to look at as I have noticed that many who try to defame and slander this group have no actual experience in any of these research areas, and will even make claims that are outright lies about it as I am able to testify from my first-hand witness report. So if you are an independent researcher who is only looking for the truth, here is my story.

Some background info:

I was born in 1984 in Ottawa Canada, originally in a family of 4 but eventually had experienced 2 divorces in my family life. My mother was a hair stylist and my 2 fathers were professional musicians, so these points had a great influence over who I would become in my older years. As a child I was quiet and spent a fair bit of time by myself, didn’t watch much television and was not really placed intensively into any kinds of hobbies or social activities, save for the ones that I took an interest in, like for instance comic books as a young boy.  I began playing some sports casually at age 10 and eventually became very competitive with American football in my later teen years as like many adolescent males I wanted to be seen as a tough guy and finally found a sport that I could compete well in. At the age of 10 I began really getting into music and this was when I began learning how to play the drums, which I eventually took more and more seriously as I got older, and eventually studied at and graduated from a music college in Brighton, England. I had spent a significant amount of time playing in bands until mid 2007 when my main project that I had been putting everything into for a couple of years, had fallen apart due to egos and infighting.

I stumbled onto Desteni in October of 2007 one night while I was up late watching videos on YouTube. At this point in my life, I was quite disenfranchised with my life and the world I was living in, having recently lost interest and faith in the things that I had previously thought were so important in this world, like girlfriends and heavy metal music, I had been on a bit of journey investigating the side of life that no one really ever looks into: questioning the validity of our world and our way of life as a society, our leaders, our version of history and what we as a society place value on. I started to see that things were not as they seemed and behind the illusions we tend to create in our learned behavior of self importance, there was great, great deception and a hidden truth that held the key to understanding who we are and what is really valuable.

And yet while my interests were set on uncovering truth, little did I realize the extent to which I myself was conditioned to be self obsessed and therefore the ulterior motives I had in my ‘truth seeking quest’: that even within this quest, I was still unwittingly looking for a place within it all where I could be special – maybe the special one that figured it all out, for instance.

So on this evening, although the subject was naturally going to interest me, I really had no idea what I was getting into when I clocked on the link to the first Desteni video I ever saw – which in a way was perfect because I had no preconceived ideas about what I was getting into.

What I stumbled onto blew me away, because here was this person suddenly, without any pretension, suddenly just talking in absolute detail about how the human mind works, the complete mechanics of it directly explained in such simplicity that a child could understand it. I then understood more about myself and how human beings work from watching that 10 minute video than I ever had in all my life throughout all of the knowledge and experiences that I had ever attained. What was particularly striking on a level that was beyond knowing, was how this person was speaking – this part I have always had a bit of difficulty explaining, but having had a life where there is so much deceit and un-clarity in the words that people speak, the words this person spoke were the most pure expression I had ever seen. After this first experience, I had a feeling that I was ‘onto something big’.

Naturally I visited the site, started reading the articles, watching more videos, joined the forum and began reading and asking questions there. Everyday became so fascinating – here I had become so tired with living a life of empty dreams and false promises, and finally I was able to start learning about how things really work in this world, about myself – things that I had always considered ‘the bigger questions in life’ had simply become topics of direct and concise explanation from which we could then discuss and also share our questions or perspectives. It was like discovering the most valuable thing ever in existence – myself.

One of my first reactions was then to share it with everyone I knew, expecting that anyone would naturally be as curious as I was to finally understand the big question: what the hell is really going on in this world? Little did I realize that even this question required the degree of self honesty one was required to have by which they could even realize that: they have no idea what is really going on in this reality (and thus any real sense of what was important, what had value, what they are doing with their lives etc.). To my surprise, what I was sharing was met with very little interest, if any. Most wouldn’t even bother to move themselves to check it out for themselves and some of the only responses I did get were just contemptuous judgments without any real consideration – essentially people just wrote it off. Likely that if I had still been stuck in a point in my life where I was busy with whatever I thought was so important, I would have done the same.

Now as I had mentioned, there was an ulterior motive of ‘how can this all benefit me’ in my discovery of Desteni and part of the excitement that came from researching it came from this. This is where it got interesting, because the more I watched the videos the more that I realized that: ‘oh shit, this isn’t what it is about at all’. As many people do, I had made the mistake of associating  the understanding of fundamental truths with some kind of ‘specialness’, like I was discovering some ‘great higher power’ of this apparently amazing and magnificent truth that was so beyond everyone and everyone – great for me!!!! But in fact, as I watched the video more and more I realized the very intent from which my excitement was based was the exact thing from which the problems on earth are based. The truth was not something magnificent or profound – the truth was a simple explanation that all of the self importance from which I had lived and based my life on was just a lie. I realized that the leaders of humanity which I was busy trying to expose as being deceitful were not in fact the true hidden power that deceives – I realized that this hidden, deceitful power that I was vainly seeking to expose, was myself.

Thus the message of Desteni began to become clear: oneness and equality – and this changed everything. Having seen and considered that point that all life was equal, that I was no better or worse from these other people who I had been focusing my attention on, changed everything. Immediately I had realized that no longer could I ever in self honesty blame anyone again. This was another crucial point that came as one of the main pillars of the Desteni message: Self Honesty. Along with oneness and equality, it became obvious common sense that if I am equal, I am no better and no worse, then it is impossible to blame, because inherent in blame is a point of superiority and inferiority. No longer could I in self honesty say that there were people that I could define as those I like or don’t like, those who are friends or enemies, those who are important or not important – from this point of realization, I had to always take into consideration within all future decisions one point from which all other points would be measured as valid or not – oneness and equality.

Here finally, was the answer to why my life, why this world, had become such a strife – and the solution to end all of the conflict and suffering which I had become so weary of. Now, I simply had to learn more.

This blog will be continued in part 2.

Day 172: Your thoughts determine who you are

Through the Desteni I Process, I have found a unique opportunity, which is to begin writing out my backchat on a daily basis – that means all of my thoughts from the various personalities/characters that exist within and as my mind.

I noticed a fascinating thing about this today, which is the degree to which we take for granted the thoughts we are having, and the degree to which these thoughts are then having an influence over our lives in every way. Imagine, how many thoughts do you have every day? Many. Out of that very large number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take notice of? Very few. Out of that small number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take the time to jot down on a piece of paper or on your computer, to be able to self reflect? Of those thoughts you have jotted down to be able to self reflect, how many do you then deconstruct, to see how they were formed and how they function in specific detail? It is really staggering how much we take for granted, and it is no wonder that we often perceive a simple skill like predicting the future as some mystical magical ability.

So I today I began a ‘backchat diary’ – taking notes of all the thoughts that I can, throughout my day as they come up (a pocket sized not book is useful for this). Another cool point here is that within doing this, you really get to know yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt, in a way that is undeniable, because no matter how you would like to think of yourself, your thoughts will always tell the real story and often a very different story from the self image that we have of ourselves where we tend to only see what we want to.

Taking responsibility for the thoughts we have is really a simple point of self honesty and taking self responsibility for who we are and what we have become, the influence of which we are seeing in our world today, as the complete disaster that it has become. In doing this, one will really get to know themselves and find things, that once reflected upon from a starting point of integrity/equality – is really nasty, unacceptable stuff when contrasted by the people we would like to be and the world we would like to create. Furthermore, as it has been pointed out to me before, we simply do not understand the mechanics of where a thought comes from: where it originated, what purpose it serves, the process it goes through as we think and continue to think and live-out our lives under the influence of these thoughts, becoming characters defined by thoughts whose origin we are not even aware of. Wouldn’t you like to know who you are? Why you are? Why you think the way you do? Why you do the things you do? Why the emotions and feelings that are generated from our constant and continuous thinking feel so real and are so over bearing and consuming all the time?

So, when I say this is a simple point of self honesty and self responsibility, that carries within it no systematic morality connotation of ‘being a good person’ in an altruistic sense – it is simple self honesty where you realize “oh my God, there are these voices in my head that are literally controlling me and determining who I am – and I don’t have a grip on it or even the slightest idea how it all works”. Within this point of self honesty, also exists the basic point of having some self respect.