Tag Archives: habit

Day 337: Going beyond the mind and the reward of insight

I have talked before in this blog a out how easily the power of habit can take over, where I have found that there exist within me a desire to find a program of behavior that I can just stick to, so I can basically turn myself off and put my mind on autopilot – it is this underlying drive that exist within me, that was created within me through symbolic imprinting of experiences throughout my life, to live a kind of artificial life of artificial intelligence. It is fascinating how we as human beings become so robotized and don’t even realize it, realize that we have this tendency to want to robotize ourselves and find comfort in it.

 

It is an extremely effective control system because even if one has the absolute best of intentions, even if they can speak the gospel in perfect form, this intent/desire to do good is re-routed into the circular living, the circular logic (robots run on codes/programs of logic) where such intents become formatted, where ‘doing good’ becomes limited to only certain activities, and within participating in such activities in ‘autopilot mode’ where it just becomes a robotic pattern of habit, we lose ourselves – we are no longer here as breath in the physical body, but rather just existing within a program that is busy running/playing out. This is crucial because to live a life that is best for all, of real care and love for life – can never be a program, can never be defined only by certain acts – because in doing so, we deny our inherent ability to direct ourselves and live life in a way that is best for all in every moment, self directively – it is as though we do not trust ourselves/give ourselves the confidence to do so, and so abdicate such responsibility to a program. Eventually, the program takes over and becomes warped and a twisted mockery of itself, a shadow of itself, as religion and morality so often does – that is because these are, again, formatted systems of benevolence.

 

We as human beings are set up to do this and so our entire lives and all that we do/participate in become subject to/contextualized by this tendency to live systematically. If there are any criticisms of Destonians being robotic and merely ‘spewing the gospel’ that are valid as observations, it is due to this tendency, that, despite being educated on principles that are truly best for all life, the pre-existing tendency to format and systematize new information and behaviors can still take over – it is easy to ‘talk the Desteni talk’ – living it is a whole other story – just like Christianity or any other cosmology that has valid principles that serve life. The only difference with Desteni is the commitment to constantly self scrutinize and push self to be honest with oneself to ensure that this actually doesn’t happen, as we educate our selves to have a practical understanding of how the mind works in order to prevent this from happening, and hold a steadfast commitment to ourselves and life to persist. We work together and hold nothing as personal or sacred in terms of a moral ‘right and wrong’ – we assist and support each other and cross reference each other and do whatever is necessary to be effective in supporting each other – even if it means saying that which may be difficult for another to hear, within the principle of ‘tough love’.

 

I write about this point because I have had a bit of tough love myself, and found it extremely effective, as I understand how deceptive the mind is in, understanding that I am in fact my own worst enemy – and thus what may seem ‘tough’ about ‘tough love’ sometimes is merely how the mind perceives it.

 

Today, when working on a mind construct – which is extremely challenging because there is nothing programmed/habitual/pattern-based about it, you are walking mind constructs as the memories in your mind that influence you and limit you into patterned living, in real time – I saw the benefit of working in real time, in breaking out of habitual living, even if that habitual living seems just and righteous. It can be extremely difficult to break out at times, but the reward really is simply magnificent. I was having insights and old memories that I had long forgotten come up, I was having ‘aha!’ moments where I gained some deeper understanding into myself and my own mind, which is essentially the key to freeing me from the limitations of my mind, that really keep me enslaved. We tend to identify with our enslavement as something positive just because it becomes to habitual, we feel safe to live in ‘autopilot mode’ because we are taught that it is good and nice and to fear stepping beyond the boundaries of what we know as living life as a programmed robot.

 

But the reward of pushing ourselves beyond our perceived limits really are something that we can appreciate as we have never appreciated anything like it before, if we actually do it.

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Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment

 

A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.

 

Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.

 

What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.

 

I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.

 

This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.

 

Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.

 

Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.

 

We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust

 

Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

Day 333: Daily habits and thinking

Observe your thoughts for a day, a week, a month” – this was something that I read today that really stuck with me, even though it may seem a simplistic point. I notice that actually, to even observe my thoughts for a whole day is very difficult, because of the nature of thinking: that you are the one doing it, and so while you’re busy doing it, it is difficult to be able to step back and observe what you are doing.

This is where words like determination, dedication and strictness have to be lived and applied, because such a habit of taking note of one’s own thoughts does not happen naturally at all, it takes real effort and concentration, it requires one to be steadfast, almost vigilant, if it is to be done properly. I happen to have started reading this new book on habits and habit formation and that is one of the points that is brought up: that forming new habits take real work and concentration. Over time they become easier to activate as the path has already been walked – practice makes perfect.

Crucial within this is to stop participating in habits that take away from this point of concentrating myself on what matters. It is crucial to actually direct myself here in the moment in making specific decisions where I am fully aware of what I will do and I do it, based on the understanding that deciding on and sticking to certain activities will in fact support me. There is always something there to entertain myself with, there is always someone else to focus on, and then there is always my partner, who is quite frankly very attractive and charming to me – all of these points are things that I experience as nice, good feeling habits that are just so easy to fall into, as they have already been formed – and I notice that when I fall into these habits, because they are based in the energy of the mind, I become like hazy, clouded and unfocused, it becomes very noticeable when I then try to focus myself/concentrate on something. Again, strictness with self, and not fearing that I will ‘lose anything’ is crucial here, because what I tend to do when I fear losing something, is that I may apply myself, but I will kind of ‘try too much, ‘focus too hard’, where I become too intense, obsessive and zealous, because within that fear of loss within giving up old habits, a new energy is created which is then the energy that I end up feeding and building-up in the attempt to stop and change.

This reminds me of an interview series I watched recently from Desteni with regards to Michael Tsarion and his work, where they discussed the point of how we try to be good and not be evil, but how being good takes so much effort and energy because it is only based on judging evil and thus trying to suppress/not be evil. This is simply not necessary and doesn’t work, especially when I have the tools and even some of the experience to be practical and effective in dealing with the mind. So, back the notebook I will keep in my pocket for when thoughts come up, back to breathing as a self support as often as possible and when I see myself falling into old habits – there is no need to judge and then fear – but to simply recognize, breathe and within breath the common sense is always here to move myself directly, in one single moment as breath as I see, understand and realize what it is that I must do – move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to the simplicity of breath in directing myself here in every moment – of being determined to breathe whenever I see myself participating in a habit/pattern/addiction, and to then move myself to make a decision in self honesty in participating in that which is practical and relevant which supports me. I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be disciplined in writing out my thoughts and observing the patterns of my mind as thoughts consistently so that I may begin to know and understand how I work and thus know how to support and change myself effectively

When and as I see myself getting lost in a habit/desire.pattern/addiction, or even the thoughts of participating in it – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand where this is going and that I will only delude myself with energy as the habit/energy takes over and I lose control over my own self directive principle, and thus I remain here as breath and direct myself in self honesty as a decision that self honestly will support me in my process of stopping the mind

I commit myself to stop my habits/patterns/desires/addictions effectively so that I may support myself to understand myself, and thus within stopping I commit and dedicate myself to writing out my thoughts and to observe and write out my thoughts as much as possible, within the commitment of getting to know myself and thus getting to know all beings as the mind, and thus being able to change myself and direct myself and within this, be able to direct and support others effectively, making my existence on this earth relevant as I can actually have an effect on my reality that results in an outcome that is best for all life as change

Day 322: Wasting a moment

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Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?

 

I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.

 

Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.

 

This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life

 

One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.

 

What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?

 

And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle

 

I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience

Day 273: Insecurity

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Today, before writing this, I experienced a feeling like I don’t know what to write about, as I often do when I go to write my blog. I always walk through this experience now because I know too well that there is all kinds of shit that requires my attention, so sometimes I will read blogs or listen to interviews/watch videos to get the ball rolling. The word ‘insecurity’ had come up recently in a song I discovered that I really liked, it is called ‘Soulmate’ by the band ‘No Use for a Name’ (the word soulmate referring to deep seeded insecurity) and I really liked the lyrics when I read them. They struck a chord with me (har har). Then tonight, I read a blog about insecurity and relationships, and recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding in my relationship, so after reading this blog it was like ok, time to look at this point of insecurity.

I suppose it is a normal thing, and just as I have not questioned it for so long, I’m sure neither have so many others who constantly live within such a point. What is insecurity? Fear of loss, the certainty that the future outcome of one’s life is one that is not desirable. It is intertwined with fear and anxiety, where -based on the way we live, and who we accept and allow ourselves to be – we create a life of insecurity with fear and anxiety as our main experience of ourselves. The fear and anxiety can then easily turn into anger when the prospect of real loss looms or even appears to loom and threatens our security – but our security can only ever be threatened if we are in-security (insecure) to begin with.

How do I create the experience of insecurity as a mathematical certainty of a future outcome that is not best? By living a life where I abdicate my self responsibility, where I do not stand in my own stead of self responsibility, living the life and creating a self that would be ideal, but rather look to/depend on others to do such a thing. We tend to believe that we can attain an ideal self/experience of self by depending on/drawing from the world around us. Just like we are conditioned to believe that we can buy our happiness, or that having a relationship will complete us, or that if we get that great new house/car/toy/job/whateverthefuckyoulike, then everything will apparently be great in our lives. The more we believe that we are not sufficient, that we can do do it for ourselves, that we can not be self responsible – we go looking outside of ourselves and this is such a great fall that we create that crippling experience of insecurity, where we obsess about controlling out reality and getting what we desire.

When abdicate ourselves and our ability to take self responsibility and live a life of real value that considers all life in equality, we create this kind of demonic/vampiric entity that needs to be fed to stay alive, and before you know it, we just become consumers, obsessed with consuming goods and whatever it is that will fill that endless void, that insatiable appetite – it will never be enough because it is a void that we created in the first place! This entity will then do anything it can to hold onto its food source, its energy source. It is insecure because it knows that – as something that was created – it is temporary. We abandon ourselves and let the demons/vampires take over, and then wonder why we are so insecure, why enough is never enough.

So, what would then happen if we did not abandon ourselves, but rather took self responsibility and do all in our power to ensure that we are creating a self/world that is best, with an outcome that is certain to be best for all life? In my experience, the more I give up, the less insecure I am. Conversely, the more I hold onto old habits/patterns/addictions and don’t get real about taking responsibility to create a life/self that is best for all – the more insecure I am, and the more I depend on others/things I have separated myself from, to fulfill me. That is no way to live. And this is a deep awareness of what we are accepting and allowing in our lives, it may not necessarily be something that one is aware of in their conscious mind.

So I have found this is the key to stopping all insecurity – stand up and take self responsibility for one’s life in stopping old vices as habits/patterns/addictions, and rather take self directive principle and create a self/world that is best for all life – then you will have all the security one could ever need because it has been created so.

That’s all for today. To be continued.