Tag Archives: loss

Day 341: Integrity within relationships

 

If you’ve read some of my blogs, you may have noticed that relationships have been a prevalent point for me in my process of self change – the more I open up this point, the more I see how much it has limited my self expression.

 

Due to some fucked up experiences I had as a youngster, and coming from a divorced family, I have polarized my relationships extensively, living in a world of ‘good and bad’ relationships and people, where I’ve become longing for relationships and closeness with other human beings, while being paranoid and jaded about relationships at the same time. What I had never learned how to do was to remain stable, here, within and as breath, wherein I trust who I am and how I have defined myself within my reality, so that no matter what is going on with other people around me, I will always direct myself in a way that is best for all. What others do and how they behave is out of my control, but what I can do is to not participate in this game of love/hate that we play with ourselves, which then become projections onto others in the form of conflict emerging in our relationships. This is how wars start – it always takes two to tango, and until we learn to disengage ourselves and diffuse the situation, it will continue.

 

From a young age we learn that we need others, but when we have experiences where we feel others fail us or we are betrayed, this is where the paranoia and distrust is seeded. Too many times I have gone through the experience of seeking out others for positive relationships, only to end up disappointed and then moving to the opposite polarity: get away from people – yeah, that’s the solution!

 

Not really. Not only do we humans need each other, but if we can learn to actually understand and value each other as equals, we can really make this world an awesome place for everyone. The problem is that in seeking out others from a starting point of fearing loss, of fearing that without some kind of positive energetic experience within a relationship that we will be doomed, we end up creating what we fear. Within such a desire, I realized, it is as though I had already accepted tacitly that the natural state of relationships in life is one of failure, and thus, I must control things in every way possible to ensure the relationship is a positive experience, and that way it will work out somehow. But that really isn’t recognizing relationships for what they really are as an intrinsic part of who we are as human beings.

 

We will always be in relationships of one kind or another, that is inescapable – the question rather then simply who are we within our relationships? Do we fear loss and desire control? Or are we real – real with ourselves first in who we are, what our starting point is and what we’re all about? Are we real in not approaching relationships with fears that create secret desires and ulterior motives? Are we real within relationships that we have the integrity to not give into our fears, and rather face them and forgive them so that the relationship remains honest? Are we real enough to maintain that integrity to not deceive others out of our fear of loss, even if they may be playing the same game and want to be deceived with the same kind of fear-of-loss-based relationship? Many do not even realize they are playing this game and how artificial their relationships have become, and who they are within them that would have them use each other just to feel better about themselves and subside these underlying fears/issues by creating appearance of a positive experience/interaction with others, and you may find, when you get real, that this isn’t ‘good enough’. To be real, we are going to have to decide, with real specificity and self honesty, what is ‘good enough’.

 

It is possible to have real relationships where the commitment to life as what is best for all in equality is ‘good enough’ – but first we have to recognize such a point and stand by it with steadfastness, commitment and resolve before we can ever expect for others to recognize it

Day 338: The Freedom of giving up

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I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.

 

The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.

 

But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.

 

From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.

 

So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.

 

Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.

 

The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

Day 306: Pleading with others

 

Today I noticed a particular thought pattern that was occurring in my mind, which I have noticed before but never pinpointed and addressed. Upon having a moment of fear arise – the fear of what another might do and the fear that I will be harmed – I saw myself suddenly go into imaginings about how I would plead with this person to see things another way – my way – and to have some sort of realization that would change their mind and course of behavior. This was real Hollywood bullshit, straight out of a movie where I envision myself becoming very endearing, dramatic, heartfelt, really ‘putting it all out there and showing my deepest feelings’ – that is like, really manipulative bullshit that needs to stop immediately. It doesn’t work and it’s not real. There is only common sense as what is best for all and to give something some personalized, moralistic connotation is just deception and manipulation, no matter how good it sounds or how well intended it is.

 

There is an additional consequence as well, where I actually further build up the fear existent within me by not actually directing it but rather tacitly allowing it through just finding ways to appease it, and then, I build myself up in hope – fascinating to see such a correlation between fear and hope – and then of course I build myself up for a big disappointment when I don’t get what I want and the manipulation isn’t effective. Then the fear ultimately ends up as anger.

 

Yesterday I wrote about the point of spitefulness – which is basically the behavior that is the result of the accumulation experiences of anger – and how that leads to a false desire for ‘love’ – trying to escape the negative, the truth of myself, by chasing that which has been presented to me as positive: the ideal life including the ideal relationship. So it is fascinating to begin to see how all of these points intertwine – fear, hope, love, anger.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to – upon having a moment of fear as reaction to a belief of another, based on what I may have observed about them – go into imaginings about how I can manipulate the person, using pleading with them, as a way of utilizing a fake persona wherein I am endearing, heartfelt and dramatic, trying to appeal to them ‘softly’ and hoping that they will feel empathy and a kind of ‘caring’ that is also fake because it is just based invoking their own inner feelings of guilt by presenting a sorry image to them, hoping that they will ‘come to their senses’ of empathy

 

I see, realize and understand that I only believe that such manipulation tactics may work because they seem to have worked in the past – thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that such manipulation tactics are actually effective and will still work

 

When and as I see myself wanting to utilize pleading and ways of invoking empathy through presenting a sorry, heartfelt, endearing presentation of myself as a way of manipulating them to not be/do that which I fear – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the game of manipulation that I am playing and that it simply doesn’t work as it is not real/directive/self honest but actually just a reflection of me accepting/allowing/giving into my own fears/beliefs/judgments/opinions, and as such, having this acceptance as my starting point will in fact resonate through me from the core of my being and only invoke fears in another, which were the cause of my fears in the first place! Fearing who others are because others are living/acting out of fear – thus I do not go into such imaginings or act on them, I stop and breathe and not give into my fearful desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Another quick point written in my journal today:

 

A reaction is just a reaction == not real! Breathe breathe breathe, walk it off – until it is done and you may then be able to get to the bottom of it.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have ignored the moment in which I had a reaction to another where I did not get what I wanted, not realizing how this intense moment of reaction would greatly affect me and my perception/thinking throughout the course of my day

 

thus, I commit myself to – when I have such emotional reactions of feeling rejected/not getting what I want – to stop and breathe, and realize that I have gone into a reaction and to deal with it immediately if necessary or as soon as possible, within the understanding and consideration of the fact that this is a reaction occurring here and that if I do not direct myself in such moments of reaction, I am setting myself up unnecessarily for hard times – thus I do not accept and allow such reactions to exist within me as I see, realize and understand that they are just reactions which need/require to be directed, and I apply myself to direct all reactions and not give into my reactions as the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 303: Some times we are living in…

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One of the greatest things I was ever shown was how the mind has become an absolute trap – that the information which comprise the mind which is that we have been taught through experience in our culture/society, is not taught in my best interest – it is only here to lead me astray, to disempower me, to make sure that I am stuck in the mind that is based on belief, ideas, ideology, opinions, perceptions – never based in reality – so that I am not able to have any real effect in my reality whatsoever.

This is how we are all raised (razed?) and it is no wonder hoards and hoards of people – the vast majority of humans – are essentially useless, ineffective and are thus able to be controlled by a tiny percentage of the population who wield no real power but the ability to have us deceive ourselves within/as our own minds – we control ourselves for them. Having as much of an ego as I did at the time that I found this out, it was a great shock, and in vast contrast to how I had wanted to perceive myself: as being powerful and in control. It is that same ego that felt insulted, ridiculed, embarrassed – which drove me to zealously want to uncover the truth and figure things out.

It was only then later after I did sufficient research from sources less heard, walking a road less traveled, that I began to figure out that ego itself was part of the problem – that no matter what the illusion is that I am trapped in, the essential point is that my delusions were all about ME – self serving, and never in consideration of all life as equal and one. I began to see that the problem is not the brainwashing per say, but the brainwashed, following the religion of self-interest – a game that only a few people in positions of privilege and advantage will ever win.

I sometimes found it difficult to make this connection – between my own weaknesses, fears, insecurities, and the ‘bigger picture’ of the absolute mess that our society/world has become. But the more I let go, I see that it is the combined self-limitations of all people on earth, administered as brainwashing and mind control, that have us collectively creating the world as it is today.

Sometimes we stop because we realize what we are doing to ourselves. Sometimes we stop because we see what we are doing to others. Eventually, stopping becomes a point of common sense that is really what is best for all, and this is what stopping is becoming for me in my process. It is less about my reaction and anger and disgust with what I have seen in the world, and more of a common sense point because the way my life had become was no way of life at all – it had just become normal.

Sometimes it seems so difficult to question what has become normal and the way we have always existed and done things. How much is enough? How much does it take to make us stand up and take self responsibility to sort things out? Everyone has a threshold – no matter how lost, deluded or trapped – everyone has a ‘breaking point’ where they can take no more, once it dawns on us what we have actually been doing. That dawn is upon us and better we open our eyes than to resist what is here.

We all require to take a long, hard look in the mirror, we need it so badly that it should be a top priority in every free moment of our lives, if we actually were to recognize how much life matters. That long, hard look is best done through writing. Is it really such a big deal to question that which we have always trusted? Is it really so hard to consider that maybe there is another way? Is it really so hard to look at our world and consider – maybe this is not working, and maybe I am this which I observe in my external reality – maybe it is me.

Day 296: Self monitoring and the observer

 

I have been a very competitive person for a very long time. Whatever I did in life, I wanted to be the best. My success was always measured in how others were not as good as me, apparently. If I found that I could not be the best at something, I would likely stop competing and look for another way to be the best. This has sabotaged me greatly in my process. I mean it has compromised everything about my daily living and my self response-ability to life, where everything just becomes a competition that is about me winning – even what I consider ‘doing right’ as being one who is actively engaging their process. It makes it extremely difficult to establish real self trust and self honesty because I become uncertain as to whether intentions are truly what is best for all, or what is best for me, through expecting that taking actions that are best for all will somehow reflect well on me.

 

Well, fortunately I have found out that it doesn’t – very few people actually seem to care about what is best for all life and the few people who are impressed by one who appears to be a ‘good person’ is really just impressed and excited because maybe it means there is a chance that you will be easier to take advantage of than the next person.

 

As my process unfolds and I tend to learn from consequences of operating under false pretenses such as this one, it is becoming much more of a common sense, practical living application – instead of a ‘great big idea’. There is nothing special about process and the more that is understood, the more effective I am able to be. The more I am able to understand the practical common sense outflows of the decisions I make, the more I am able to direct myself in simplicity and directness.

 

So, often times within this whole point I have had a tendency to ‘want to figure things out’ – to ‘get it done’, like, almost instantly – this is how the mind works because it tends to never factors in practical physical reality. It is like I never want to make a mistake or reveal that I am flawed. Within this starting point, I have become pre-emptive – like I am actually looking for points to deal with, but in fact what I am doing is looking for points to react to. Here writing this, I now see that this implies how I have always assumed that my movement and action in live must be within some context of reacting to something. Within this point of reaction there is no real self movement or self direction – fear is just the sole motivator. Or is that soul motivator?

 

I received some support on this point recently – although the support was somewhat indirect and I did not necessarily see it at the time – in the video “Losing a Moment of Inspiration – Losing a Part of Self” – I suggest to watch it, even if it does not seem relevant or the insight doesn’t register immediately, as it did not for me.

 

Within this whole point of competition ad wanting to be the best, making almost over-zealous, looking for points about myself to react t and deal with, I notice that the tendency is to look at points through the mind and to trust the mind within this observing. Even sitting down to write, it is like I will scan the mind for stuff to write about, like asking the mind: “what is relevant here?” – so I am in essence trying to solve the problem with the problem. This was the point raised in the video where we tend to try to look at our insights and the things we notice about ourselves, only through the mind!

 

So what I am seeing here is the importance of this process being a physically lived/applied process – not that this information is new to me lol. But it’s application certainly is. It is as if I have trusted the mind so much that I fear to allow myself ti simply sit down and write, here in the moment, simply expressing myself naturally here, physically, without any ideas or expectations. As long as I am still referencing the mind, no change will be possible, no matter how seemingly noble my intent may be.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in referencing the mind as to what is important/relevant in my process/life, and that I have allowed myself to be motivated and driven only by fear, living in a reactive state – thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and live the understanding that all that exist in the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions are of no real substance, support, and are not trustworthy, but are rather just indicators of my own twisted creation called the mind which does not deal with things in real reality but only in the mental reality where the mind always wants to win, and I commit myself to live with the understanding that no thought, feeling or emotion can ever be trusted but are merely experiences that may be explored through self writing as a physical act, here in the moment, which are the key to understanding myself and what is beyond the limitations of the mind if I allow myself to let go of the fear of living without the mind.

Day 273: Insecurity

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Today, before writing this, I experienced a feeling like I don’t know what to write about, as I often do when I go to write my blog. I always walk through this experience now because I know too well that there is all kinds of shit that requires my attention, so sometimes I will read blogs or listen to interviews/watch videos to get the ball rolling. The word ‘insecurity’ had come up recently in a song I discovered that I really liked, it is called ‘Soulmate’ by the band ‘No Use for a Name’ (the word soulmate referring to deep seeded insecurity) and I really liked the lyrics when I read them. They struck a chord with me (har har). Then tonight, I read a blog about insecurity and relationships, and recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding in my relationship, so after reading this blog it was like ok, time to look at this point of insecurity.

I suppose it is a normal thing, and just as I have not questioned it for so long, I’m sure neither have so many others who constantly live within such a point. What is insecurity? Fear of loss, the certainty that the future outcome of one’s life is one that is not desirable. It is intertwined with fear and anxiety, where -based on the way we live, and who we accept and allow ourselves to be – we create a life of insecurity with fear and anxiety as our main experience of ourselves. The fear and anxiety can then easily turn into anger when the prospect of real loss looms or even appears to loom and threatens our security – but our security can only ever be threatened if we are in-security (insecure) to begin with.

How do I create the experience of insecurity as a mathematical certainty of a future outcome that is not best? By living a life where I abdicate my self responsibility, where I do not stand in my own stead of self responsibility, living the life and creating a self that would be ideal, but rather look to/depend on others to do such a thing. We tend to believe that we can attain an ideal self/experience of self by depending on/drawing from the world around us. Just like we are conditioned to believe that we can buy our happiness, or that having a relationship will complete us, or that if we get that great new house/car/toy/job/whateverthefuckyoulike, then everything will apparently be great in our lives. The more we believe that we are not sufficient, that we can do do it for ourselves, that we can not be self responsible – we go looking outside of ourselves and this is such a great fall that we create that crippling experience of insecurity, where we obsess about controlling out reality and getting what we desire.

When abdicate ourselves and our ability to take self responsibility and live a life of real value that considers all life in equality, we create this kind of demonic/vampiric entity that needs to be fed to stay alive, and before you know it, we just become consumers, obsessed with consuming goods and whatever it is that will fill that endless void, that insatiable appetite – it will never be enough because it is a void that we created in the first place! This entity will then do anything it can to hold onto its food source, its energy source. It is insecure because it knows that – as something that was created – it is temporary. We abandon ourselves and let the demons/vampires take over, and then wonder why we are so insecure, why enough is never enough.

So, what would then happen if we did not abandon ourselves, but rather took self responsibility and do all in our power to ensure that we are creating a self/world that is best, with an outcome that is certain to be best for all life? In my experience, the more I give up, the less insecure I am. Conversely, the more I hold onto old habits/patterns/addictions and don’t get real about taking responsibility to create a life/self that is best for all – the more insecure I am, and the more I depend on others/things I have separated myself from, to fulfill me. That is no way to live. And this is a deep awareness of what we are accepting and allowing in our lives, it may not necessarily be something that one is aware of in their conscious mind.

So I have found this is the key to stopping all insecurity – stand up and take self responsibility for one’s life in stopping old vices as habits/patterns/addictions, and rather take self directive principle and create a self/world that is best for all life – then you will have all the security one could ever need because it has been created so.

That’s all for today. To be continued.

Day 265: Depending on others to be happy

 

 

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I have made the mistake recently, yet again, of depending on another for how I was going to feel and experience myself, for what I was going to do. I have done this enough times, actually it is really just lie a way of life, where how I am and who I am is determined by others and the standing of others. We do this constantly as a state of survival, we have yet to mastered the art of ‘being in this world but not of this world’: doing what we’re required to do to survive, but only because we have not lost ourselves within it and simply recognize that to even be ourselves and make a difference, we are going to have to do what is necessary to survive – not to actually take those requirements and go ‘ok this is the way my life should be, this is what matters, this is what is important, this is what life is – all about everyone else and fitting in to survive’.

I have developed these systems to interact with people where I actually become very good at the survival game and getting peoples attention and getting people to like me and shit like that, and for anyone who has ever wanted to be popular because they have never experienced it: it sucks. It kills you on the inside, because you’re fitting in and doing well is all just based on what you think others want to you to be. Then we (I) can further the fuck up by feeling good about ourselves when we get all that recognition and attention for being something we’re not. I mean, the flip side of all this is in a certain perspective I don’t even like people, I want to get as far away from them as possible, so there is this polarization where I love people, for how I feel and who I can be in the cult of personality, and then I hate people because in truth I hate myself for having been dishonest with myself and compromising myself so extensively.

It is like being a celebrity where you lose touch with who you really are to such an extent that you actually trust that feeling you get for being liked by others, and before you know it, this feeling becomes all that matters, and you start throwing a tantrum and acting up when you don’t get it.

I mean if there is one thing I know, it is that the mind LOVES energy, it absolutely feeds off of it. Most of my life, for as long as I can remember, this has been all that life is about, getting this energy, getting high essentially. If anyone reading this knows what I mean by this mental energy, and feels like they’re not getting enough or can get more or there is something that you think if you do it, it will make you happy because it will give you this great experience: stop, don’t go there, you may as well start a heroin habit because that is all one in such a circumstance is looking for in essence: the greatest high. And if you think climbing mount everest is a ‘clean high’, I’ve got to bear the news that your mind can produce lots of strong drugs too that simply use another kind of physical input as stimulus.

When I really get back to myself, what do I enjoy? Practicality. The simplicity of function, the simplicity of self expression. Enjoyment is not something I do, it is who I am. Happiness is not something I make or find or create – it is who I am – and only by accepting myself as something which I am not, can the desire to find happiness be created – the pursuit of happiness is an illusion!

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend on others to make me happy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to copy the ways of the world by expecting others to conform to me in some way to please me, the same way I have made myself conform to what others want by internalizing the belief that others must like me and that making other feel good/feel good about me is all that matters. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe feelings to be real and something that must be participated in and if I do not, I will be rejected by others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy practicality and the simplicity of function, the simplicity of placing myself effectively and doing whatever is necessary to be done in this reality, without bias or expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be a personality to survive, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must react to others to survive and that the quicker I react, the more likely I will survive – when in fact survival is pointless and there is really no point in being on earth unless you are giving as you would like to receive

I commit myself to recognize and live by the law of my being: that who I am is determined by what I accept and allow of myself to be and do both within as thought and without as deed – regardless of others as others have no directive principle in who I am and how I experience myself – thus I hold the key to me in every moment

I commit myself to not do my process from any past starting point of wanting to please others under the guise of ‘helping others’ – recognizing that each one can only help themselves 

I commit myself to stop trying to make something positive out of my interaction with others and always look for a positive outcome that reflects well on me

I commit myself to enjoy the simplicity of breath as me as who I am and to grow and transcend limitations through breath so that there is no mindfuck about it, and to continue this physical (not mental) process of walking as breath in my actions/interactions/work/new endeavors

I commit myself to decide to I am by living the words that I am unconditionally in every moment

Day 264: The desire for love makes us weak

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I have heard it is said that people who are not touched and cuddled and given affection when they are infants will develop into some form of sociopath, cold and indifferent to human life.

In terms of how we define ‘caring’ and being ‘warm’ this is true: people who are not taught how to show affection and care in this particular way, will not do so. Does this mean they do not care for or harbor ill will towards their fellow man? Or does it just mean that they will not reproduce the same norms to show affection (and the keyword there is show) like nice touching, smiling, using pleasant tones of voice?

Because for all of the love and affection that goes around this way, for all of the people that show love and affection in this way to their neighbors and people in their immediate environment who can visibly see it: the world is still a mess. In fact while they are busy showing that love, the world continues to plummet into its plight without anyone coming up with a practical solution to stop it.

What would a practical solution involve? More hugs and kisses? More kind words and pleasant tonalities? Or is the last thing the world needs is this kind of love? Doesn’t the world rather require practical solutions for all the deception and evil that exist and has become systematized and scripted as our societal/legal/economic conventions?

Wouldn’t it actually be sociopathic to just focus on this kind of love/affection while ignoring these realities of our world and what may actually be necessary to be done to sort it out? I mean, given the state that the world is in, and the definition of a sociopath hinging on a clear apathy and indifference to the suffering of others, wouldn’t a sociopath then be anyone who is not taking practical steps to correct the systems in this world that are so destructive towards life?

Furthermore, if we are not doing this, but rather operating under beliefs about how this world works and that more ‘love’ as affection (as how we have defined it) is the answer, we are not only not making a difference, we are further helping this world along into it’s plight by feeding some belief that we have depended on to justify why we do not actually take real responsibility for our world. The false solution, for many of us, becomes a bubble and hiding place from which real love and caring can never be discovered.

That’s the place that I have found myself stuck in and I am virtually having to write a book to see how I have become stuck in this place, where I am starting to see that I was put in this place at a very early age when all kind of people around be were finding all kinds of ways to stimulate me into having this feeling/experience of love, this positive energetic experience, that becomes so addictive that by adulthood a person will be a total slave to their desire to get this feeling back and experience it again and will design their entire life around getting this experience, in whatever form – through friends, stuff, food, drugs, activities – whatever floats your boats and makes you feel warm and fuzzy.

I have seen in my own life how the desire for this feeling/energetic experience of love basically makes us evil. Nevermind the indirect harm done through focusing on attaining this experience: look at the lengths human beings will go to fulfill their obsessions – it is on this basis that an unimaginable amount of harm has been done in this world. The desire for love makes us weak. How the hell can I ever be of assistance and support to another when I have not even transcended by own personal desires/dependencies for recognition and attention? How can I understand others and how this world works sufficiently to make a difference if I can not even understand where my own problems, desires and limitations come from? It is a crippling addiction, to say the least.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the desire to be stimulated into a positive mental experience to control me and to have abdicated my responsibility towards myself and life, to actually live for real in the real world within a real awareness/practical understanding of how it works

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire for love and affection is a weakness that has been developed since a young age of experiences where I was stimulated into this feeling by adults and I accepted this stimulation and to believe it is real, that it is who I am and that this is what life is – and that I have not allowed myself to realize that to stop this addiction is going to take a lengthy process of not feeding the mind with positive energy stimulation and to investigate and understand when a desire for positive energy stimulate is persistent

I commit myself to no longer put my desire for love as how I have defined it as a positive stimulation experience above who I am, who I will be and what I will do in this world, I commit myself to stop lacing this desire above life and allowing this desire to control me

Day 222: Fear of loss – what to do?

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At this very moment I am not feeling comfortable – what am I experiencing – fear – what does it lead back to? Desire. I have desire and this desire is not being directed effectively. Directing desire is a simple application as breath which I must continue to apply and develop as a tool/mechanism through which I am able to move through these tough experiences of desire. If I have no desire, I will have no fear. If I have no fear, obviously I will be able to have quite a cool experience of myself.

Much of the fear also has to do with others in my reality – what if they do not stand? What if I will lose because they are not standing?

The last question is interesting because there is no way another’s not standing can ‘take away from me’ unless I allow it – in other words, if others do not stand, if they ‘turn on me’ or become abusive or ‘leave/abandon me’, it is only me who is able to say “oh God, I am missing out, what a loss!” and of course the common sense question is: if others become what I fear – then why the hell would I fear losing them in the first place?

I understand at this stage, as an idea, that if a relationship ends, it is fine because it was never real in the first place – but living that statement is another story, as the fear of loss certainly exists within me. It is a mental thing in nature, of this I am sure. So because it is mental in nature, that means I had to have created it. How did I create it or how am I currently creating it?

Now I see the point more clearly: if the relationship exists only in our mind as mental projection of ourselves as what we would like to be but are not it living in fact – then naturally within this the fear of loss will be created because we are projecting ourselves as the awareness that we are in fact lost in our own creation.

However the point here that is difficult is to focus the shift from ‘we’ to ‘me’ – in other words, making this stand unconditionally and absolutely. Interestingly enough, while the fear of standing is the fear of loss, losing relationships/not surviving in my society, is that by standing am I in fact making sure that all relationships that I accept and allow will be that which is best for all. By not doing so, I am accepting an existence of relationships that are made to fail, destined for pain and sorrow.

 

The problem lies in how I will tend to define certain individuals as special, based within this fear of loss, because here I am making the association with maintaining positive relationships with these individuals. So it is missing the principle by essentially making the mistake of ‘formatting’/defining the principle as embodied by certain individuals in my life. My standing cannot be limited by who else is willing to stand – and if I am to ever expect that anyone will stand, my stand will have to become unconditional.

I fear that others will not understand and I will lose them, but the fact is that this is the only way – nevermind that fear isn’t even valid in the first place. Within the desire to ‘have them understand’ I am not focusing on me and I will not be clear, and within that, trying to communicate a understanding to another will be impossible because it is I who am not under-standing – standing up within myself. This is the key, whether others understand initially or not – they will do so in time as my standing is absolute.

The fears I am having must be ‘nipped in the bud’ in terms of not allowing a single one to exist within and as me, let alone drive me to action! To be clear that fear is not the point that moves me because if I allow this within myself, I am allowing in another – what I fear is what I attract!

Here I must also watch the tendency to project myself and thus when I do take on a point – be clear that it is focused on the point rather than focusing on the point in another person only – because here I will be speaking from a starting point of separation. Another tendency to look out for is the tendency to want positive feedback or some kind of positive feeling experience from which to base everything that I’m talking about, because the fact is, there is no positive feeling attached to standing, and we are a race all so addicted to positive feelings that standing is not going to feel positive at all – those are the ‘tough moments’ that I am going to have to walk through that will be my test of absolution.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push and exercise the point of walking through desire by breathing through it, not realizing that if I allow any desire to exist, I am allowing harm to be done unto myself by living the self interest that I fear in others, where we neglect each other in our own delusion of self importance

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that IN ALL INSTANCES OF WHAT I FEAR ABOUT OTHERS that I am in fact only fearing that which I am accepting and allowing about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not following or losing system relationships as the systematization of interaction which is created through fear as self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and define relationships with others within and as my own mind, based on the polarization of living in the survival mode of friends and enemies.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to remain not standing due to the fear of loss is actually creating the fear of loss as what I fear I will create – and that by not standing I am creating certain loss – albeit perhaps in the distant future in some cases – it is inevitable – while not realizing that by standing unconditionally and walking through the fear of loss, am I in fact, for the first time, creating a life that is worth living and sustainable – not matter who it is in relation with

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the fear of loss is a marker of support indicating that I am lost within some point which requires careful attention and consideration

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to certain relationships which I value more than others within the fear of loss – not realizing that it is my relationship to life that must take precedent – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value some relationships more than others – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate my process/self definition with other human beings in my life and allow the people who are in my life to influence my standing as either defining them as supportive to it or taking away from it

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that to have a cool existence where all relationships are sound and no one live in fear of another, I must stand without fear of loss as fear of others as who others may accept and allow themselves to be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the desire to have others understand, not realizing that this desire is a self projection where I am not supporting myself and not realizing that supporting myself is what must be done in order to have effective relationships/interactions that are best for all life – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not stand, I will be completely unable to communicate anything to another and all interaction becomes useless

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on fears, rather than get into the habit of nipping them in the bud immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within a point of un-clarity due to not taking responsibility for my own mind/fear, want to focus on points in another – not realizing that I am limited from being able to actually discuss the point itself WITH another, and thus actually be effective in support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust positive feelings to the extent where if no positive feelings exist, I am not able to move myself – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that standing absolute is not going to feel good and given the nature of how addicted we have become to feelings, it is going to feel like I am going against the grain of all that is good – when in fact it is not so – that is only a resonant experience of the mind not being fed energy

I commit myself to breathe through all desires as I am able to identify them and get into the habit of breathing immediately when I am entering a mind possession as desire

I commit myself to stop the fear of others through standing as a being who consider all life as equal and one and thus do not fear others because I am standing within the principle of what is best for all life, which quite naturally will bring about a world that is best for all life

I commit myself to not give into the self-imposed pressure of behaving systematically in relationships out of fear of loss/judgment/misunderstanding by others – when and as I see myself having a resonant experience of thoughts/feelings/emotions wanting to act out of fear of loss, I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to participate as I see, understand and realize that if I allow fear of loss to exist within and as me, then fear of loss is what I will create

I commit myself to stop the tendency to create relationships within and as my own mind through thoughts/backchat/spoken word that convince myself that there is something ‘more special’ or more profound than what actually exists in fact

I commit myself to stand within and as principles that is best for all life within the context of the mess that we are currently in on earth  – as to absolutely honor life here in this time I am given on earth is to create a reality where all future relationships may be sound

I commit myself to nip fear of loss in the bud, in the moments that I experience through applying the 4 count breath and not allowing my fear of loss to direct me as thoughts/backchat/a feeling/emotional resonant experience

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring for others to understand a point/me/process, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this tendency is a form of compensation for myself not looking at/facing/standing up within certain points, and thus I do not allow myself to participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather make sure I am clear on the point within myself and live/apply myself accordingly – I commit myself to stop the tendency to focus on points in others and simply focus on the points as equal and one to/as others

I commit myself to stand absolute in my resolve to walk this process and never give into fear as the mind and never allow fear as the negative of the experience not getting the positive energy it is used to determine/define who I will be – thus when and as I see myself having resistance/fear because I am not being positive energy, I stop, I breathe, I see that this resistance is based on how I have come to define/trust positive feelings as energy/the mind and thus I see, realize and understand that this process is going to not ‘feel good’ and be difficult and will even perceived as ‘negative’  and ‘don’t go there’ because of the fear of loss, when in fact that fear of loss is the fear of the mind losing itself – I breathe and I do not participate in the mind as my thoughts/feelings and emotions

Day 220: Living in survival mode

Throughout all of my life it has been communicated to me in almost every form possible that life is all about survival, as opposed to actually living and expressing myself. However for this blog I’m looking at a particular period in my life that kind of finalized/engrained fully this mentality within me.

When I was about 22 years old, after numerous failed attempts at having successful jobs or academic pursuits, along with several failed relationships that has been central to my life, I was given an opportunity by a family member to work a job. Because the family member had assisted me, and I was comfortable, treated with some respect and paid a semi-decent wage, I really took well to the job and for the first time, found some peace in the workplace. It was the only anchor of stability in my life at this time, and this lasted maybe for about 8 months. Then the business was sold and I lost my job.

I was assisted by the family member who did provide me with cheap living accommodations, but given that the job was the only point of stability I had, my life took a real turn for the worse. I had no job, no money, no future prospects, I was addicted to drugs, and still had all kinds of messed up relationships in my life. Hell, the place I had moved to was a poor neighborhood so I even began to identify with this as being my reality. I have not taken into full consideration the impact that this experience had on me in terms of how I had come to accept that “well, this is it, you’re an adult now, welcome to life, it is going to be really shitty” – this was now how I based myself and projected my future, based on an idea of life where failure and hardship is the way it was going to be. That resources were always scarce, so I should obsess over money. That life was shit, so I should just escape and do lots of drugs. That every relationship I had ever known was fucked therefore ‘fuck-relationships!’ That I had no skills or education therefore I am useless and have no opportunities. That I could never expect that anyone would ever come and assist and support me because if that was the way the world worked, I wouldn’t have been in the mess I was in.

Basically, I got a tiny glimpse at what most people in this world are currently enduring at this very moment you read this. It was fortunate in that it was a real experience that allowed forced me to consider others and reality more, and completely destroyed any disillusions of positivity that I could spin on my reality. However, again, the problem is that I have not up until this point faced the full impact that this experience had on me, and is still currently having on me today.

The fact is that while I may have been ‘hard done by’ as I may want to believe I have – so too did I do harm to others in my life and so too did I not stand up for myself/life when harm was being done. I accepted it. I copied it. I internalized it. I became it.

What I am now currently busy with is stopping the tendencies/habits/patterns that I had developed from y life experience – to isolate myself, to want to run away, to want to delude myself with happy feelings or drugs, to hate everything and everyone, to blame everything and everyone, to feel like I have no value, to feel like I’m worthless, to feel like I’m inferior to everyone, to feel that I must fear others, to fear that I must be spiteful towards others, to think that everyone is against me and everyone is my enemy.

I will be continuing with self forgiveness statements in the next blog.