Tag Archives: memories

Day 339: Childhood memories influencing my relationship

 

Recently, through working on a mind construct on relationships, I have been looking at and working through through several past memories of relationship experiences and how they have influenced who I am today and how I am living the experience/word of ‘relationship’. As I work with these memories, other memories have been coming up of even earlier childhood experiences that also played into what I ultimately experience/live as my relationships.

 

I see that a great deal of my pursuing relationships and, frankly obsessing over them, was based in experiences as a child where I felt I needed others to take care of me but did not get the proper care/attention that I required. Whether or not I truly needed this care that I felt I did not get is still unclear to me, as I was at a young age where I was vulnerable and couldn’t do certain things for myself, other than perhaps express effectively that I required support – perhaps I did this but still did not get the support I required, hence the urgency and obsession that later developed as my need for fulfillment through a relationship. But this does not change the fact that currently I am an adult and am fully capable of supporting myself in whatever it is that I require, even if this sometimes involves participation with others.

 

And within this obsession/being stuck in past memories wherein I believe that I require the help of another, my tendency has been to utilize relationships from such a starting point, and the major problem here is that this then keeps/prevents me from effectively supporting myself, as I often notice that my relationship can be a distraction from myself/my process and focusing on what really matters – who I am and directing myself to support myself effectively so that I do not need/experience the feeling that I require another to be fulfilled.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a relationship can save me, that I need and require a relationship and for my partner to give certain things such as love, attention, affection and consideration for me and within this, that I have used this point of belief as a way of not focusing on myself and giving to myself that which I require as self support, in self directiveness and self responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give attention to my relationship and put work into my relationship wherein it is from the starting point of making another like me and care for me and be obsessed with me so that I can have them conform to this point of servitude within the belief that I need and require them to be fulfilled

 

When and as I see myself obsessing over my relationship/partner, putting energy, attention and effort into it within the belief that I need a relationship/need a partner to love and obsess over me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a belief that I created from childhood experiences where I felt that I went without sufficient support, attention and consideration, and thus believed that I require to find another and convince them/control/manipulate them or give them sufficient attention in order to ensure that they give me the support/consideration that I believe I require from them – thus I remain here as breath, releasing myself from these memories and the belief that I require another to take care of me, and do not participate in such desires to control another/be fulfilled by another, as these desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to obsess over give attention to, control and have power over another

 

I commit myself to ‘be here for myself’ within awareness as breath, no longer accepting/believing that I am ‘not enough’ for myself and that I require another to fulfill me as I see, realize and understand that I can never be fulfilled by another, that this is an illusion of the mind and that the feelings thereof will never last or fulfill me

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Day 337: Going beyond the mind and the reward of insight

I have talked before in this blog a out how easily the power of habit can take over, where I have found that there exist within me a desire to find a program of behavior that I can just stick to, so I can basically turn myself off and put my mind on autopilot – it is this underlying drive that exist within me, that was created within me through symbolic imprinting of experiences throughout my life, to live a kind of artificial life of artificial intelligence. It is fascinating how we as human beings become so robotized and don’t even realize it, realize that we have this tendency to want to robotize ourselves and find comfort in it.

 

It is an extremely effective control system because even if one has the absolute best of intentions, even if they can speak the gospel in perfect form, this intent/desire to do good is re-routed into the circular living, the circular logic (robots run on codes/programs of logic) where such intents become formatted, where ‘doing good’ becomes limited to only certain activities, and within participating in such activities in ‘autopilot mode’ where it just becomes a robotic pattern of habit, we lose ourselves – we are no longer here as breath in the physical body, but rather just existing within a program that is busy running/playing out. This is crucial because to live a life that is best for all, of real care and love for life – can never be a program, can never be defined only by certain acts – because in doing so, we deny our inherent ability to direct ourselves and live life in a way that is best for all in every moment, self directively – it is as though we do not trust ourselves/give ourselves the confidence to do so, and so abdicate such responsibility to a program. Eventually, the program takes over and becomes warped and a twisted mockery of itself, a shadow of itself, as religion and morality so often does – that is because these are, again, formatted systems of benevolence.

 

We as human beings are set up to do this and so our entire lives and all that we do/participate in become subject to/contextualized by this tendency to live systematically. If there are any criticisms of Destonians being robotic and merely ‘spewing the gospel’ that are valid as observations, it is due to this tendency, that, despite being educated on principles that are truly best for all life, the pre-existing tendency to format and systematize new information and behaviors can still take over – it is easy to ‘talk the Desteni talk’ – living it is a whole other story – just like Christianity or any other cosmology that has valid principles that serve life. The only difference with Desteni is the commitment to constantly self scrutinize and push self to be honest with oneself to ensure that this actually doesn’t happen, as we educate our selves to have a practical understanding of how the mind works in order to prevent this from happening, and hold a steadfast commitment to ourselves and life to persist. We work together and hold nothing as personal or sacred in terms of a moral ‘right and wrong’ – we assist and support each other and cross reference each other and do whatever is necessary to be effective in supporting each other – even if it means saying that which may be difficult for another to hear, within the principle of ‘tough love’.

 

I write about this point because I have had a bit of tough love myself, and found it extremely effective, as I understand how deceptive the mind is in, understanding that I am in fact my own worst enemy – and thus what may seem ‘tough’ about ‘tough love’ sometimes is merely how the mind perceives it.

 

Today, when working on a mind construct – which is extremely challenging because there is nothing programmed/habitual/pattern-based about it, you are walking mind constructs as the memories in your mind that influence you and limit you into patterned living, in real time – I saw the benefit of working in real time, in breaking out of habitual living, even if that habitual living seems just and righteous. It can be extremely difficult to break out at times, but the reward really is simply magnificent. I was having insights and old memories that I had long forgotten come up, I was having ‘aha!’ moments where I gained some deeper understanding into myself and my own mind, which is essentially the key to freeing me from the limitations of my mind, that really keep me enslaved. We tend to identify with our enslavement as something positive just because it becomes to habitual, we feel safe to live in ‘autopilot mode’ because we are taught that it is good and nice and to fear stepping beyond the boundaries of what we know as living life as a programmed robot.

 

But the reward of pushing ourselves beyond our perceived limits really are something that we can appreciate as we have never appreciated anything like it before, if we actually do it.

Day 327: Childhood is a Creation

 

What is childhood? Why do we treat children differently than adults? This is a point that we as a society and loving parents need to open up and look at, for the way that we have come to treat kids as ‘normal’ is something that too often goes unquestioned and unnoticed.

 

Like myself and many others, when you encounter a child, you may adjust your behavior in reaction to their presence. You may become kinder, gentler, speak in a more lovely tone of voice, even become a bit of a character to give off an air of pleasantness. We often revere children for their innocence as being beautiful and as such we tend to want to treat them like gold, to shelter them from the negativity of the world and give them a very positive experience.

 

This point of (reacting to) the innocence of children eventually takes on a life of it’s own, where the extent of the desire to shelter children goes as far as literally hiding the reality of the world from their eyes as censorship, and then even as far as creating illusory fantasy worlds and make-believe stories, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

 

The way that we view children as innocent is primarily an association that is made with their underdeveloped skill-sets, primarily in language skills. However, this lack of skill development and therefore understanding of the world does not speak to their potential – children are just as capable of learning effectively about their world as you and I, and this includes their ability to reason and assess their world critically – it is just an ability less seen because we tend to make a further correlation between their lack of development with, essentially, a lack of potential – we often treat children as not capable, as ‘not ready’. In this way we sell our children short, believing on a deeper level that they are incapable – stupid.

 

Obviously this couldn’t be further from the truth, as the amazing ability of children to learn and adapt shows us – if anything, this way that we treat children is more a reflection of ourselves, and our own ability to give children the education and tools necessary to be able to understand and direct their world without being easily influenced. Because we ourselves were never given these tools, we discount how easy it is for ourselves to be influenced by the world around us, and within lacking this self-directive principle, we fear that the same thing will happen to our children.

 

Why do children watch ‘children’s programs’ and read ‘children’s’ books and tell them ‘children’s stories’ and teach them ‘children’s songs’ that essentially condescend to them and treat them as less than ourselves? It divides adults and children the same way that media that is directed exclusively at one race or gender divides people from each other. It is simply another way of categorizing and separating a group of people from the rest of humankind, to say how they are apparently different and thus should be treated differently, with different rights – the difference however, is that children really cannot stand up for themselves, they can not produce social activists or lawyers to fight for them, they are at the mercy of we as adults and parents to stand up for their rights – in this case a right to simply be treated as an equal to other humans in terms of their intellectual capacity and human potential.

 

From a young age, I resented being condescended to by adults, I did not enjoy people speaking to me slowly, as if I am not intelligent enough to understand speech at a regular pace. I did not enjoy adults speaking to me in lovely tones of voice, like I was an idiot with no real understanding of all facets of life, including it’s darker side. I did not enjoy adults lying to me about things like Santa Claus, like I was stupid enough to believe anything they would tell me. Unfortunately a child’s lack of understanding of their reality does keep them at the mercy of only being as good as what they are informed by, and so children will believe what they are told. For a human race with a cultural disposition that is as hell bent on power, control and greed, children become the easiest targets for us as adults to mold into whatever we want them to be, and too often I have seen children become nothing but pawns and accessories to the ‘perfect life’ that is envisioned by their parents. In a narcissistic culture, everyone feels better about themselves when they have their own personal slave, their own personal pawn that they can have as much power and control over as possible: what better opportunity than to have children? Of course very few are ever honest enough to admit this to themselves, and we cover up the truth of how we treat children as complete subordinates and inferiors, with all kinds of beautiful ideas like love, or justifications that it is in their best interest.

 

In the ‘bigger picture’, this point of sheltering children as much as possible through the creation of what we call ‘childhood’ – which is this world of media and social interaction that children are immersed in – ends up producing adults that are severely handicapped when it comes to ‘facing the real world’. For many, when the illusion of childhood is broken and reality surfaces, it is a great shock, and the reaction is far worse than had it been if we had simply not hidden our children from reality – through the trauma of this contrast, many become disillusioned and jaded. Furthermore, placing children in this fake world of fairy tales and unrealities where they deal with virtually nothing of the real world and are required to make no real significant decisions and take no real responsibility for themselves and their world, we then create an entire adult population of people who are not capable of taking self responsibility for themselves and their world. They would rather crawl back into the illusion and remain hidden there – that is how ‘Peter Pan syndrome’ is created, never wanting to grow up, because as children we become addicted to this experience of childhood, where we essentially lived like God’s in some kind of fantasy heaven – and yet ironically, this is a ‘golden cage’ of enslavement, where we are dis-empowered from our birthright as self responsible and capable human beings, with unlimited potential. With exposure to media happening at younger and younger ages due to technological advancements, and people being immersed in more and more media than ever before, it becomes more and more difficult for we as adults to not be influenced by the fantasy realities that are presented, let alone for children who are encouraged to live in a world of fantasy.

 

I still sometimes catch myself changing my demeanor when speaking to children, reacting to their innocence, which I have been programmed by my culture to naturally react this way to their presence – to be extra kind – but this is fake, it is not real, no matter how nice the lie may seem or how well intended it is. It is an insult to their intelligence and a disrespect to who they are as human beings and an impairment to who they will become as adults. Childhood is a creation, created in our inability and unwillingness to take self responsibility for our own lives and the lives of our children to properly educate them, to properly direct them, to properly put in the time to ensure that they become the strong, intelligent and independent beings that they are capable of being, that we are all capable of being, if only we would give that to ourselves first. In our abdication of ourselves as self responsible beings, we go on ‘autopilot’ and simply follow the trends of what a ‘typical parent does’ and because it is normal, because it is commonplace, we are able to justify this to ourselves. But then, eventually when problems arise in our families, in our society: we wonder what went wrong. We do we live in a world of incompetent and corrupt human beings? Why do we live in a culture of greed, selfishness and self interest? Why do we live in a society of hedonists and addicts, only concerned with their own personal escapes and feelings of happiness?

 

Childhood is a creation that – due to it being installed in the earliest and most critical years of a persons education – remains with us at a subconscious level as we grow older, in terms of its essential tenets of a low level of intellectuality, no concern with self responsibility, and a penchant to focus on the unreal, on that which is illusory. In some culture, this mentality of ‘childhood’ is even glorified, with willful ignorance and incompetence being lauded as traits to be aspired to.

 

Let’s give children what they deserve and require, let’s learn to treat them as real beings, just as capable as ourselves, as equals to ourselves. Let’s give to them what may have never been given to us. As we grow older and the next generation takes over the reins of our world, it is our only hope that our future is one that is entrusted in the hands of those who will do us well, when we find ourselves in reversed roles one day, being at the mercy of their decisions. If we do not, we cannot expect good things of our future and the future of mankind, on the contrary, everything will continue to get worse for our human race, which still struggles to grow up out of it’s infancy.

Day 279: Turning big brother into a breath

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I have 1 student that I work with who has difficulty learning. It is fascinating because while he is capable, and has proven this, whenever he is put to task or instructed, he absolutely can not focus, he can not follow any kind of explicit instructions – he simply ‘turns off’ in a kind of way, although sometimes he may still appear like he is paying attention. It is fascinating how apparent this mental block is, as when I find a way to present things to him ‘casually’, or naturally through points that emerge through conversing with him, he shows that he is perfectly capable as a student. What is fascinating about this mental block is that it seems to be activated any time that work is presented to him some form of instruction, some for of thing that he must follow, some kind of prompt that he must respond to or fulfill – that is when he turns off. What I am suspecting is that through unpleasant schooling experiences, as children are forced into their education, he has developed this defense mechanism. I find it fascinating because I also suspect that at a deeper level, a child knows that the teacher or education is not really working in their best interest and so they simply do not trust them. Because as soon as something is presented within a context of ‘this is educational, we are learning, we are taking on a task’ – you know, when it gets ‘serious and official’.

Now what I also sometimes wonder when I assess another person is: am I really seeing them directly, or am I merely projecting a point of myself onto them – or both?

I see this same point is prevalent in my own life where, whenever I am faced with a new task or challenge, something where I have to move myself – all of a sudden my movement no longer is as fluid and I kind of stop in my tracks, it is like a form of anxiety where all of a sudden I am faced with this looming burden, the burden of hard work. Much of this is based in past experiences where, due to not having proper training, support or understanding, the experience of work was an extremely difficult struggle, and this is what I accepted as the reality of working, unfortunately.

So when this happens, where I am faced with a new task which doesn’t come naturally or easily, like for example doing school work: what I will tend to do is react the information of ‘doing work/school work/I have to get this done/I have to do a good job’ – all kinds of connotations to ‘doing work’ start to come up based on my fears based on my past experiences and before I know it all kinds of thoughts on the point have come up and I react to those thoughts. By trusting these thoughts as the mind, I will have tendency to go further into the mind as fear, looking there for answers/solutions. Now since the mind functions in positive and negative, I will always polarize myself into either one experience or the other. The positive polarity will be where I may have this experience of fear and being overwhelmed but I will ‘muster up the courage’ and ‘fight hard’, or as we say in Canada, “just give’er”. The other polarity is that I will just say ‘fuck this’ and do something else – because of course I don’t want the stressful experience, and what I know of ‘working’ from my past experiences, where I utilized the positive polarity, is that I had to ‘fight hard’, to try hard’, to ‘be prepared for a struggle, a battle’. I know this is why I have given up on myself so many times in life, is because I was just tired of battling, of struggling, and never even conceived that there could be another way.

So this point was raised in with regards to what practical solutions can be utilized when I am faced with doing work and I go into this mental experience. Regardless of what polarity I end up going with, there is a tendency to always stop and think before actually doing the work. I just stop and think about doing it, rather than doing it. I battle with myself within my mind ‘can I do this? Can I not? The positive me is struggling against the negative me and it is an exhausting internal battle – and then if the positive side wins, I will eventually get down to doing the work, but it is interesting how I work when I am in this state. I go into this kind of ‘mode’ where I am ‘over-focused’, as I have called it before, it is like I am so stimulated, so worked up, so focused that I actually can not focus, even though it kind of feels like I am really focused. It is fascinating. It is like a form of anxiety where you have this heightened sense of awareness – but that heightened sense of awareness is rather a form of heightened consciousness – or is that self-consciousness? Within this state, my ability to actually take in information effectively is significantly diminished, as opposed to being in a relaxed state where such tasks become much easier and information is absorbed much more naturally/directly.

What is interesting with my experience, along with so many other experiences that I have sen in the lives of others, is that we all tend to internalize and become the things that we struggled through and endured in our lifetimes. And this is what I did. I internalized ‘big brother’ – the authority figure of the teacher, the principal, the parent – whoever. What I experienced of them, what it was about this experience that I despised, of being forced, of being directed by people who don’t really give a shit, of being essentially policed by teachers to follow their orders within the fear of consequences if I didn’t – I internalized all of these experiences into a ‘big brother’ entity in my head that polices me, where I bully myself and experience (through this voice in my head) the essence of the experience I had in school.

So what I am working on is stopping the experience where, when I am faced with this moment of “ok, time to work now” I stop and go into the experience of thinking/anxiety/fear/questioning myself/looking for ways to do it/looking for ways to get out. What is difficult is that I don’t always see myself when I am stuck in this experience. When I do, it can be as simple as stopping the thoughts, taking a deep breath, and simply moving myself – but that takes practice until it become more natural and the experience of resistance goes away, I’m finding. It is important to identify what exactly are the experiences/feelings/thoughts that I am experiencing so that I can understand them, forgive them and thus see them in the moment when they pop up, so I can stop them effectively. If I can’t see it, I can’t stop it. Aside from writing out the thoughts as they pop up in the moment, there are a few points that I am ware of that keep me from moving myself: “can I do this?” “this looks difficult” “I don’t want to do this, it’s boring, it’s not interesting” “what is the point?” “is this worth the effort?” “this is going to be difficult” “this is not going to be fun” “I have no idea what I’m doing” I’m too tired for this” I can do this later” “I’m going to do this! And it is going to be like this and this and this!” (these last 2 examples demonstrate the negative and positive polarity perspectives of the mind that I have mentioned previously.

Day 274: Insecurity, part 2

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So I mentioned in my last post that recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding come up in my relationship. At the time it happened, I found it very difficult to write about, because I was too overwhelmed by my own mind – this goes to show how important the decisions I make are, how important it is to be clear about my standing/principles and what I will accept and allow or not – consequences are inescapable and can be so severe that handling them might be no easy feat, or we might not even be able to handle them the way we would like to at all.

Basically, what the conflict/misunderstanding consisted of was each of us projecting our fears and insecurities onto each other. As I had mentioned in my last blog, fears and insecurities always stem from an awareness of how we are living and what our actions are. Obviously one of us, or neither of us, were living in a way where we would be satisfied with ourselves, and this turned into fear of loss, expressed as blame and us projecting ourselves onto another. It takes real commitment to live a life where a successful relationship is possible, because one has truly given as they would like to receive. Whenever my commitment to life and living a life that is best for all is not absolute, I end up going into this point of fear of loss, expressed as anger/blame. So to have a successful relationship, I know what is required in terms of my living commitment – absoluteness, otherwise, I know how my dissatisfaction with myself will eat away at me and consume me and all that matters to me. It is the reason why I have failed so many times in the past, so many times that I have come to almost expect like this is how it should be, and thus I resist real commitment as real change.

One point of resistance I have had towards absolute commitment is some idea that it is boring – you know, the idea of ‘sticking to the same old thing’ – because in the past, I had associated consistency with slavery – you know, doing boring and useless shit that did not benefit me, on a consistent and regular basis. It is like I have come to experience inconsistency/failure as some form of excitement, getting stimulated/high off the fear that I create and experience – it is fascinating because as much as I have written about being addicted to the positive, I have never considered that one could actually in fact be addicted to the negative – even while have a degree of understanding that when it comes to the mind/energy, positive and negative are two sides of the same coin – and the positive is not real within that.

I’m sure many experience this about some point in their lives – feeling as though being committed to something is some kind of trap/slavery – but not having learned what it means to live principles that are best for all life, we fail to consider that the fear of being trapped by consistency, is rather us fearing the trap we have created for ourselves already – believing in/subscribing to a life of inconsistency and failure, to such an extent that we believe this is what life is, and even worse, that it is who we are and that we enjoy it.

Life is too short to run away from self responsibility – to making real commitments that challenge us to be the best we can be in service of life. It is fucked that – when faced with challenges/consequences/conflict, the tendency is to want to run away, rather than sort oneself out.

So 2 points here: expecting/accepting failure as normal, and fearing/resisting consistency/absoluteness in my resolve to say consistent in my living application as if it were ‘boring’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that failure is normal, acceptable, to be expected, part of life, and even fun and enjoyable or exciting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear consistency, within a belief that it is boring or I will be trapped/enslaved and that it will be boring/meaningless/pointless/not supportive – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate consistency/ sticking with principles that are best for all life with past experiences of feeling enslaved on a consistent basis, thus associating consistency and sticking to simplicity/basics as boring or enslaving or a trap

I commit myself to stick to principles that are best for all life and be absolute in my resolve to stand, and give as I would like to receive, and to remain consistent in my application of sticking to breath and stopping destructive patterns of self interest where I do not give as I would like to receive – and thus within sticking to the simplicity of principles that are best for self/all life, I do not allow myself to be trapped by the illusion of ‘excitement’ as change as failure to stick to consistency/principles/simplicity as I experience is as ‘boring’ or ‘missing out on something’ – I commit myself to not run away from self responsibility.

Day 233: Guilt, shame, regret

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Today I was listening to an interview, it was a life review from Eqafe.com, and the point of regret and guilt came up. The person mentioned the degree of guilt and regret they experienced for having placed their own self interest above the life of another. It prompted me to realize that the point of guilt and regret exist in me for who I have been in this life. There are these small moments where a memory comes up in my life where I see some mistakes I have made, and the moment is very brief, but the intensity of shame, guilt and regret that I experience is massive, deep-seeded and really not a cool experience. It would be interesting to see to what degree this guilt and regret are influencing the person I am today, because as long as I hold onto any memories of guilt and regret they will influence who I am. Specifically, how are these points contributing to an overall desire to be a good person and help people? Would the appeal of being a ‘good and noble person’ be so much if these points existed within me? Without understanding exactly how it works yet, this is my understanding of the point so far: the greater degree to which being a good person and ‘doing what is right’ is a mental experience where I get a good, positive feeling out of it, the greater the degree to which I am driven to be a good person and do the right thing by my regret and guilt. I mean, there should be no kind of excitement or ‘patting yourself on the back’ for doing the right thing, for being a good person – that would be overcompensating. And so I have to be weary of this tendency to overcompensate because of the things I have allowed in the past, and this is what I am doing self forgiveness on today.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to betray others by placing my own motives, desires and fears above them, and having no integrity/loyalty towards life/as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abandon those around me, family, friends and otherwise, in the name of my self interest and that I have allowed myself to neglect life, just as I had been abandoned and neglected in the name of self interest, for which I became angry and resentful, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within such anger and resentment, copy the same behavior and become equally spiteful towards others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to prioritize taking care of life and ensuring that all are well taken care of, above my own self interest

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to include others in the decision making process of what would be best in life – that I have only made decisions that are best which consider me and how I will always come out on top

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a role of responsibility within my family and social life that is devoid of authority, and purely insisting on that which is best for all – so that I can ensure that I have taken full responsibility and considered others and given others a chance, before I give up on others or abandon others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to act nice to others, because in the past I was not nice and defined myself as not nice because I felt guilty that I was not nice, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act as if I am interested in people and care about them, because in the past I was not interested and did not care and felt guilty about this and defined myself based on this experience

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed guilt and regret to exist within me and to allow it to influence who I am to be as some noble idea of myself which I project

 

I commit myself to give up the pattern of acting nice, pretending I care and chasing high ideals/presenting myself as living by high ideals, through stopping the tendency to want to act on the guilt and regret I harbor from past mistakes

Day 219: Resistance to new learning experiences


When I came into my early teenage years, I began to develop all kinds of addictions, as I was busy trying to find my way into life and adulthood. I had been taught all my life by example, that it was all just about happiness and having good feelings, which is just a reflection of the energy-addicted culture that we have become. Part of the side effects of this is that I began to have a very difficult time focusing at school as I was constantly distracted with my eyes on the prize. This continued to worsen over the years until the point where, by the time I was in my final year or two of highschool, I had an immense resistance to learning anything new – to doing anything new that involved focusing and following orders. This was also created as a kind of defense mechanism where I began to see my addictions as ‘good’ and therefore anything that could possibly take away from them was ‘bad’. I also had some experiences where I could see that my school/teachers were not working in my best interest and so I also lost a large degree of trust in school and teachers/authority figures. The addictions became engrained, normal patterns, and they became ‘the way’. I became a very ‘closed-off’ person in life in general, but this resistance was especially developed in school and work settings.

So this has been an ongoing struggle in my life, where I have a strong tendency to revert to old patterns, and a massive resistance to anything new or unknown. I don’t like doing things I don’t know how to do. I don’t like looking at things I don’t already know about. The only times I wouldn’t resist new information are those few moments where I have, for whatever reasons and circumstances, relaxed and let my guard down enough that I happen to listen absorb something new. But active or structured learning with particular goal outcomes, as long as it was ‘known’ that I am embarking on an endeavor, massive resistance would be triggered.

This also came as a result of having experiences where I attempted to learn new things and found it such a difficult struggle, feelings like I just couldn’t get it or wasn’t capable, like there is some big system that makes sense and everyone can understand but I just can’t  – and then I would go back to an addiction and everything would just be so wonderful again, so this belief and mistrust is deep seeded and I am going to have to recognize that this will be a long term process of self correction, everyday. Deliberately doing things to let go of the resistance and control of the mind as memories from past experiences.

Another dimension to consider is how I only became attentive or eager to learn if I could directly see how it would benefit me, especially in terms of directly supporting my addictions, because in those situations, all of a sudden I was a very eager and capable learner.

Due to the misrepresentation I was given/gave to school, I have taken for granted greatly my own ability to educate myself and explore my reality – no matter how challenging it may be – as a way to grow and expand myself and live to my full potential.

There is no point in holding onto the past this way – no matter how great and positive a memory may seem, it is not positive in fact if it limits me from enjoying/living/experiencing life through learning new things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist new experiences and new information, whether they are presented to me or it is a matter of me resisting going out and having new experiences for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist and demonize new experiences and new information, within the belief that it is taking away from my experience, not realizing that this impression/belief is due to how I have become addicted to certain experiences/memories which I have defined as positive and limit me from reality/myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn and take on new information, only within a context that serves my own self interested goals as addictions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and mistrust schools, teacher and authority figures due to how I perceived/believed them to be ‘against me’ when in fact the only one who was ever against me is me as my addictions and resistance to learning/living

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want/require to have knowledge about something before going into it and investigating it, as part of the resistance/defense mechanism/filtration system I have developed as an aversion to learning new information

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that ignorance is bliss as the remaining within old patterns based on memories which bring me a positive energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into past patterns of resisting new information and experience by being allowing schools and teachers and authority  figures to trigger such a resistance – not realizing that this is due to defining these points as ‘bad’ and negative within my addictions and self imposed limitation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fight for my own limitation as striving for ignorant bliss as a life experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that I’m not good enough or it is too difficult or I cannot do it, with regards to learning new things, not realizing that such limitations are only self imposed and that I did not see before how I had created and imposed them on myself through addictions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take on new experiences simply for the sake of fulfilling a goal or serving myself interest as addictions

I commit myself to make a concerted effort to ‘just go for it’ with new experiences and learn how to simply move into a new experience without resistance, when I am presented with the opportunity – I commit myself to do this until it becomes natural

When and as I see myself resisting the prospect of going into something new, I stop my mind, either as thoughts or a general-resonant experience, I breathe and simply move myself here in the moment as breath into the new point

I commit myself to a long term process of learning to engage in new experiences as a way of life – I commit myself to embrace my full potential by becoming a learning machine

I am now beginning to see, understand and realize how we as humanity have remained so ignorantly blissful and stupid – through addictions that are based in memories of the past