Tag Archives: sex

Day 332: Self projection – reacting towards others

 

During the last 10 months I have been in a relationship, and for most of that time, it has been a long distance relationship. If anyone has done this, or even if not, I’m sure you can imagine how challenging it is. Complete trust is already a very difficult thing for most people to establish their relationships, so doing it when you actually have no idea what the other person is doing makes it extra challenging. Although I do know enough to know that a relationship should not be about controlling another – that I should rather first focus on myself in establishing self trust, as that is the real point of importance – this knowledge has not always made the experience easier. There have still been plenty of fears and reactions on my part – this knowledge of the importance of focusing on myself first, and that my fears as my thoughts/reactions about are not to be trusted, has mainly just stopped me from making major decisions based on my reactions, which I am grateful for. I am grateful that I did not allow myself to make a rash decision to end the relationship out of a fear or emotional reaction.

 

Now, being back with my partner for a couple months, I can see just how much of my reactions were simply not real, they were just me reacting. It is fascinating how our reactions to others, how we see them, what we believe of them, what we think is going on with them, has absolutely nothing to do with them, it is just ourselves projecting our shit onto them. It seems that this has just become so habitual that we tend to not see it, we live in a total culture of blame, where our desire to control our reality and others is so engrained, where we have given this desire so much power, belief and validity, that it becomes automatic to see and judge others in our reality in a certain way, so that we can justify what we believe they apparently must be or do.

 

Look at how often there is someone or something in our lives that we become obsessed with that is apparently ‘the enemy’, that is apparently ‘wrong’, that apparently must change – this is a very clever deception of the mind because, sure, we know the world and other people are not perfect, so there is a good likelihood that there are problems that exist ‘out there’ outside of ourselves – but to place focus ‘out there’ outside of ourselves and become obsessive is actually the trap that ensnares us to ensure that we never have any effect in changing anything in our reality. I noticed this pattern for myself in my life, that there is always something to be obsessed with that is apparently ‘the problem in my life’, whether it is a person, thing, circumstance – whatever.

 

So this experience has taught me to not judge or assume that I know what is going on with another, and generally speaking, to not even put the focus/emphasis on another so much, but to rather realize that if I am reacting to another, then that another is just serving as a mirror to show me that it is in fact just me reacting, and that I must investigate myself and why I am reacting, that I must investigate the very point of why I am focusing on another so much in the very first place, when it is myself that requires the most attention from myself. We can only change ourselves and it is through the example we live through completely and unconditionally focusing on being honest with ourselves, forgiving ourselves and correcting ourselves, that we can make a difference in the lives of others.

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Day 328: Culture of Ego

https://analphamalesjourneytolife.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/edfc2-femalefalseegosmall.jpg

 

Through utilizing the tool of self honesty as self introspection, I began to see that we live in a society where ego, selfishness and self interest is promoted extensively. It has become so pathological that within our interaction with others, we almost feel obliged to feed each others ego’s by finding ways to make others feel good about themselves. We observe and learn from a young age that: “If I can do something to produce this positive feeling within another person, then they will like me and favor me, I will be rewarded and recognized for this.”

 

People need to be reassured that they are special and that the identities they have created for themselves to survive by ‘being somebody in this world’ are in fact real and valid – people need validation. So we commend males on aspects of their masculinity, like for instance how we worship male athletes. We commend women on their femininity, that they are beautiful and pretty. We even try to commend children with over-exaggerated praise, as if they require the same validation that we as adults do.

 

The reason I am writing about this point is that I have seen this tendency in myself, but especially with regards to recognizing and complimenting female ‘beauty’ – appearances. But we all know how deceiving appearances can be. As aforementioned, the reason when tend to feed each others ego’s is because we believe we can somehow benefit from it, and in the case of a male recognizing the beauty of a female, the intent here is to feed their ego’s, which will hopefully reflect well on the male. Blinded by our own selfishness and desire, what we foolishly fail to realize is that we are partaking in a game of selfishness where everybody is secretly competing for their own self interest, their own personal success that does not regard the success of others equally.

 

Naively, I played the game and extensively fed the ego’s of some of the women that I lusted for – not realizing the true, twisted and evil nature of ego, not realizing the game I was playing and the danger I was placing myself in, by believing that I am partaking in something beautiful and wonderful, because maybe my desires were being met for a time, not realizing the ‘monsters’ within both of us that I was feeding. Ego, the larger it gets, can really take on some monstrous proportions, and that is why, once the veil of love and beauty is lifted because the tricks we use in playing this game no longer work and the energy runs out, things turn nasty and what was once a relationship of fake love turns into hate and war.

 

Of course this true nature of ego is hidden from the eyes, and the game is promoted so extensively as ‘normal’, and the feelings that we get from each other when we stimulate our egos is just so intoxicating , that this all can seem very innocent, far from what I have described above. Unfortunately, many who are intoxicated with these feelings or consumed by the shortsightedness of their own self interest will not consider what I am saying, to prevent calamity. Those who have gone through the consequences of participating in these games, and have the self respect to say ‘enough’, may consider and even relate to what is being shared here. Coming from a male who was raised to be obsessed with female beauty and conditioned to worship and pursue it, if it is possible for me to reconsider, then surely anyone can. Ego has become so ‘picture-based’ and ‘look-based’, that every single time we believe we are just recognizing a pretty picture, we should stop to realize and consider that we are actually recognizing and validating much more than just an image, but rather that we are supporting and validating the ‘image and likeness’ of ego.

Day 321: Desiring intimacy within a relationship

Here I am looking at the point of how I have defined the word ‘intimacy’ as something outside of myself, separate from myself. When I look at the word intimacy, I can see how I have defined this within having a relationship – preferably with my ‘ideal’ relationship partner, which is another point I have written about extensively in previous blog posts. So, I have defined intimacy as something that exists within a relationship, separating myself from intimacy and placing it within a relationship, so that apparently the experience of intimacy is only possible within a relationship. Within the relationship, intimacy is further defined as a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, sex, and ‘deep’ conversations, which is another way of saying conversations that are emotionally charged, usually with the energy of fear.

A long time ago I read a really insightful article on what intimacy really is, with regards to self intimacy – you can check out the article here: http://desteni.org/a/winged-exploring-self-intimacy – this article really opened my eyes to the fact that I have neglected myself, I have avoided self reflection and really facing who I am and what I’ve become, extensively, while in pursuit of love, relationships, and all kinds of ‘higher’ energetic experiences – living a life where I am always looking for the next high because within myself I am ’empty’ in a kind of way, because by not being intimate with myself, I had abandoned myself, and thus was this insatiable appetite for energetic highs through experiences was created, which I then searched out in romantic relationships.

Thus now it is time do bring myself back to myself, to again become intimate with myself in self honesty, facing who I am and what I have become as a living principle of doing what is best for all life, as from this starting point, I can direct myself in a way that is effective in taking all life into consideration, so that my life is not wasted in a bubble of exclusion, but is rather based on the intimate understanding that all life is one and equal, and thus who I am and how I live should be oriented as such.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself with relationships – focusing on my relationship and my partner so that I am not self directive and focused on myself, and giving my attention and concern to my partner and the survival of the relationship, rather than to first be intimate with myself and focus on myself and that what I am living and who I am is that which is best for all life. Thus I commit myself to bring myself back here through breathing, and to focus myself on myself by utilizing tools like breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application – when and as I see myself being prompted to participate in my tendency to look to others/my partner as a way of essentially taking attention away from myself and distracting myself from my only real ‘power’ as an ability to have any real effect in my living and changing this world to a place that is best for all, I stop, and I breathe, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and rather breathe through the fear that drives me to focus on my partner that is justified as the fear of losing the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as something that exists separate from myself, that can only be achieved and experienced through romantic relationships with a beautiful woman, and that I have further defined intimacy within a relationship as touching, kissing, hugging and sex – not seeing and realizing that intimacy is here – it starts with me, alone with myself, being intimate with myself in getting to know myself and standing as life within/principles that consider and are best for all life – thus I commit myself to redefine and live the word ‘intimacy’ as starting with myself, being honest with myself, directing myself, and living a life that takes my self as life/all life into consideration as equal and one, and thus I commit myself to stop the desire to experience intimacy as something separate from myself as sex and sexual touching within a relationship and rather insist that intimacy be expressed from a starting point of self honesty: as self intimacy, equal and one to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as having ‘deep conversations’ with my partner that are emotionally charged, and that I have allowed myself to yearn for this experience/try and create it where I have not first been intimate and honest with myself – thus I commit myself to stop trying to ‘create an experience of intimacy in my relationship as having deep conversations with my partner as a form of trying to control the relationship from a starting point of trying to maintain the survival of the relationship, and rather I begin with self intimacy as self honesty, as the point from which all other self expression as intimacy may emerge, without the fear of losing control of my relationship as the attempt of the mind to try and continue to maintain control by keeping the definition of intimacy as something separate from self within/as a relationship – when/as I see this desire to have an experience of intimacy as deep conversation arise within me, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is the mind trying to control me through maintaining intimacy as something defined separate from self within a relationship, as the mind is extremely tricky in presenting projections of intimacy that appear real and fulfilling – and thus I remain here as breath and do not participate when such desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as creating some kind of experience with my partner wherein we feel like there is a ‘connection’ between us because we have stimulated each other sufficiently into feeling good through having positive thoughts about ourselves, the other and the relationship as such experiences are in alignment with a symbolism of intimacy and love that has been imprinted in my mind through my mind and society – thus I commit myself to no longer define intimacy as purely creating positive experiences with others such as sex or other things that stimulate happy thoughts/feelings, as this can be tricky as it is only giving the mind energy and an experience of happiness but is not necessarily real, as countless relationship experiences have shown me that started out positive this way but ended up negative because once the energy ran out and we were no longer able to stimulate each other through separation (as we had come to know each other better and begin to see that in fact we are not so different and that real ‘love’ is not so elusive and thus exciting) then all of a sudden intimacy and love ceased to exist – thus when and as I see myself desiring to create a positive experience with my partner in some way where we can connect and be stimulated together sufficiently – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire only exists in the pursuit of keeping a relationship alive that is based in separation – and thus I do not participate in this desire of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather commit myself to remain here as breath and act in self honesty as breath in the physical, without fear of loss as the desire for a relationship directing me

Day 320: Strengthening my resolve to stop daily addictive habits

 

What am I experiencing today? I am experiencing the desire for attention, I am experiencing an inability to stop myself when the prospect of having sex arises, I am experiencing desires to eat food that I really don’t need, it just takes good, I am experiencing the desire to smoke weed, I am experiencing resistance to getting down to doing real work like writing and self investigation or school work, excitement over my coffee habit where I get excited about drinking coffee and being productive, but don’t end up being productive. Also the addiction to pro sports thing, pointlessly checking sports updates for entertainment/distraction. I keep justifying the desire to smoke weed as ‘I can handle it, just do a bit once in a while’ or ‘I can put checks an restrictions on it that are out of my control so I have no choice to stop’, but it is like, how can I trust myself on that? Also fears about my relationships and whether or not it is practical or if I am ‘wasting time’ – which I should not project onto my relationship or the other because really a relationship is not even a real thing lol and the other is not to blame. I also notice I have this tendency to worry and be indirect in handling point I am facing by not being simplistic in writing about them, but rather reacting to them in moments of insights/moments where I notice them, or even when I write about them. This is unnecessary as it just takes simple self honesty to see the point with my own 2 eyes and it will then be obvious what to do – self forgiveness and self corrective application. That seems to be it, other than the regular thoughts that arise, which I should really start jotting down in a notebook – I just noticed that I found an excuse not to do this, and so I will in this moment go grab my notebook and a pen, to keep on my person.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to crave and desire attention from others as the stimulation that the mind needs/requires in order to define itself and move itself and have a purpose – when and as I see myself desiring attention from others, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire is the mind looking for self definition, purpose and direction – thus I do not participate in this desire and rather ‘keep my nose to the grindstone’ of directing myself in humbleness to simply continue to apply myself in doing what is really practical/relevant/necessary to be done, point by point

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire for sex when I see myself being stimulated by and reacting to the sight of another’s body and the opportunity/possibility of having sex – thus when and as I see myself having such reactions to the image/feeling/sensation of another’s body and the opportunity to have sex and the excitement at having the opportunity for an energy high, and the desire to act on these reactions: I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see the patterns where sex has become a mental experience/high of wanting an experience of an energetic high which the mind experiences as power, control and good feelings/sensation, and thus I remain here as breath when experiencing such sights or physical contact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to eat food that stimulates my mind because it tastes good, rather than simply giving the body what it requires practically, in gratefulness and humbleness – thus when and as I see myself going for the delicious food because I desire energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the body simply doesn’t need this and that if I do not participate, I will still be here/fine, and thus I do not participate in such desires no matter how the mind justifies it as I see that the mind is tricky and will tempt me in every way possible with thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a habit out of getting coffee as a ‘nice big idea’ because apparently it means I will do work and be more effective, as this is the ultimate deception to actually justify wasting more time once I’ve got coffee, putting my work off and procrastinating further – thus I commit myself to use coffee in a way that is practical wherein I set my plan of what I will be doing once I get my coffee, drink the coffee, and then simply do what I had planned immediately

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste my time, distract myself and generally lose self direction and focus by paying attention to pro sports updates – thus I commit myself to simply stop checking pro sports, and as a support I have already blocked all the pro sports sites I normally visited so that I have the reminder every time I may try to give into my desire, as I see and realize that stopping is sometimes difficult, and yet I am missing nothing of real benefit by simply stopping ‘cold turkey’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to smoke weed as a way of escaping my reality and completely not having to focus on doing anything real or making any real difference in myself and in this world, so I can just escape my reality and create a fantasy reality that is apparently blissful and deny life, just because I have defined myself as weak and incapable and defined making a difference in myself/this world as apparently difficult or not enjoyable – thus I commit myself to stop the desire or act of smoking weed as it is simply impractical – when and as this desire arises, I simply stop and breathe and do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see that it is the mind/ego attempting to destabilize me and that I am in fact not ‘missing out on anything’ by not escaping my reality through smoking weed

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self dishonesties onto my relationship and partner, such as impracticality and lack of self direction, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is in fact no such thing as a ‘relationship’ and that this is only a projection of who I am and how I am living onto this imaginary creation, as well as my partner, and that this point about me can be corrected so that I do not have such negative experiences projected onto things outside of myself – thus I commit myself to take the point I experience towards my relationship, whether it be doubt or fear or dissatisfaction or anger or impracticality or whatever it is, and take these points back to self and correct my living by correcting myself and my relationship with myself so that all other forms of relationship I experience and participate in are a real self expression of myself as that which is effective, directive and best for all life – when and as I see myself experiencing things like this towards my relationship/partner – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am projection me and my relationship with myself and my living application onto my relationship and partner, and thus I do not participate in these projections as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry and think too much about the points I am facing when I have a moment of insight, realization or noticing a point, and then go searching the mind for answers/solutions. When and as I see myself noticing a point or having an insight, and then immediately going into reaction/fear/searching the mind for what to do – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is impractical and only further complicates my process and is unnecessary over-thinking things, and that I can stop all this by simply breathing and also by writing out the point immediately, thus I do not participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as fearing points, reacting to them and trying to solve them with the mind, but rather simple breathe and do self forgiveness or write out the point

Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

Day 308: Re-defining who I am in my relationship to women

When I am bluntly honest and direct with myself about my relationship towards women, within the point of attraction to females, I can say without a doubt that I am existing within a point of desire that is then expressed as lust – and energetic experience where I experience both exhilaration at getting what I desire or the prospect of getting what I desire, and then the other side of the coin, sadness, anger, a feeling of loss when I do not get what I want or do now have any hope/prospects.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined being young and ‘cute’ as being being beautiful, special and ‘worth more’ – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘cuteness’ as being young and small and having a high pitched voice and having certain proportions where there is ‘baby fat’ that makes one look young and pudgy, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have realized the trap of cuteness and defining certain things as cute and giving them a positive energetic charge because subconsciously I am aware that being cute means not being a physical threat and that I have more physical power over that which is cute and thus believe I can control it and do not need to fear it because it can never hurt me – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the deception of ‘cute’ as apparently being desirable and harmless is in fact an insidious way to control me through me being favorable and extra-kind to that which I define as cute within the belief that it is harmless and desirable, as that which I seek to control and have power over because I have it, will end up having power and control over me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined the female body and its shape/curves as being special/more than/desirable because this has been presented to me time and time again through media as being special/desirable, as something that will apparently bring me happiness and fulfillment if I can have access to it and control it because in the mind it is has been turned into a commodity to be sought after, owned and possessed – not realizing the trap, like with any possessions, that that which I give added value to that is not real as commodities will end up possessing me because I then create a dependency where I am ‘less than’ and experience myself as ‘less than/going without/losing something’ if I do not possess such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define women as being desirable within the principle of ‘wanting that which I am not/wanting that which I have separated myself from’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding the desire/need/want/dependency that I have created through defining myself as separate – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire certain attributes of females that I have further defined myself as separate from such as: dark skin, soft skin that feels different, skin that is not mine, differently shaped eyes, cheeks, nose, smaller shoulders, breasts, buttocks, the vagina, female body fat, small body size, female leg shape, lack of body hair, long hair on the head, long eyelashes, long nails, slender hands and arms, differently shaped lips, big lips – everything about the female body that I have defined as desirable because I have defined myself, and within this creating the belief that I must gain access to/control over that which I have defined as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of ‘comfort’ when I have access to/have a feeling of control over that which I have defined as desirable as the female body, wherein I feel comfortable and safe because I have what I believe I need and momentarily subside the fear of losing that which I have defined as needing/valuable – not realizing that this comfort is in fact just the momentary subsiding/escape from the fear of loss

I have seen within me that when I do not get what I want, or I consider the point of giving up all these points which I desire/have defined positively, I go into a kind of sadness, a kind of experience of hopelessness, where it is like my whole world is ending, like I am preparing for some big loss – this I have to realize is based on past experiences where I did not understand that my desires were merely desires – illusory creations – and thus, when giving up the desires, I would have to give up the whole relationship and any/all forms of interactions/communication. This is no longer the case. I am able to only give up that which is illusory and simply continue living and interacting otherwise – it is just that without desire, this living/interaction becomes a different kind of expression – this is something that must not fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of depression/negativity/sadness/seriousness when applying myself to change myself within a relationship or even looking at the prospect of changing myself in the relationship, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply look at such a prospect in the mind rather than acting directly, here in the moment as breath, as when looking at the point in the mind, all kinds of resonant memories are activated wherein change was only understood as the ending of all interaction and the relationship turned sour and I did not in fact change but just went into another relationship of the same kind – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear changing who I am and to simply remain here, rather than to look for a way out of the relationship so that I do not have to change myself in fact.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear transforming my relationship to others and to myself and within this, to fear the transformation of my interactions with others

When and as I see myself reacting to any point about a female which I have defined as being special/different/desirable/of high value/of great importance which pertains to their looks or any aspect of their expression that pertains to such definitions – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am only being stimulated according to how I have defined such people in this way, and that this stimulation is producing the energy that is moving me to act – and thus I do not accept and allow myself to be stimulated by or to act on such points as they arise in my interactions with/observations of females as my thoughts, feelings and emotions about females

When and as I see myself reacting to females within such definitions as they are cute, soft, curvy, well proportioned, dark skinned, feminine sounding, have long hair, slender hands and arms, big or different looking eyes, small body and all other points that fit within the definition of the female archetype that I have created in my mind within a point of separation/fear of loss and the subsequent commodification and valuing of such an archetype that I have separated myself from – I stop, I breathe, I do not act on my reactions to such points as I see these reactions arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself feeling/believing that I need and require to have access to and control over such points as I have commodified them – I stop, breathe and I do not participate in such desires as the fear of loss and the desire to attain as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I remain here as breath, stable and constant, and without fear of loss

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience of myself of sadness/loss/depression/hopelessness/seriousness – I stop and breathe as I realize that such a perception is ‘making more out of things than there really is, because this is how I experienced changes in my relationships in the past, as completely negative and turning into spitefulness and hatred and the complete stopping of any communication due to this – and thus I do not overcompensate for this point of self change as going into this emotional reaction, thus allowing myself to remain here and face the points here in the moment as myself as breath, and no longer look to the mind as negative emotions/feelings/thoughts based on past experiences as a way of not having to take self responsibility here in the moment and direct myself as breath unconditionally and without fear

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I always have the tendency to desire that which I believe I am separate from, only because I have defined myself as separate to it in the first place, based on past experiences, and tat I only desire such points based on this self definition/definition of others as the belief that I am separate/not one/not equal and the fear of loss created within such separation.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that the comfort I experience from attaining/having access to/having control over a woman’s body is in fact only based on this fear of loss and thus to enjoy the experience of having access/control over such things as I have defined them as separate, is only a momentary escape/appeasement from the fear of loss that I have created and am existing within/as

I commit myself to change and transform who I am within relationships and my interactions within females to stand as one and equal, no longer existing within/as separation and fear of loss, and to do this in the moment without the mind guiding me and any backdoors that the fear of loss may try to open – I commit myself to change who I am unconditionally and without fear within the faith and understanding that if I give of myself unconditionally within equality and oneness as that which I would like to receive, that the outcome will always be that which is best for all life.