Tag Archives: ego

Day 331: The danger of being lost in thought


Today I lost a toe nail. It was on my big toe. I’ve never lost a nail before and I must say, the experience was fucking PAINFUL. I was swimming in the ocean, and I turned around somewhat quickly to move in the other direction and I did not see a rock in the water that was quite tall, and stubbed my toe in just the right way where my toe nail was separated from my toe, although it still held on by just a bit at the bottom. I was on an island tour and it was morning so I had to wait until the tour ended in the afternoon, return to my hotel and then go see a doctor in the clinic to have my toe anesthetized with drugs, and have the toe nail completely removed. The anesthetic injection was extremely painful as well.


The reason this happened was due to the fact that when I turned and stubbed my toe, I was not paying attention, I was thinking. I was preoccupied in thought for just a moment and this was enough to fuck up my toe, which will now take some time to heal, and where I must be very careful and am taking drugs regularly because it is exposed without the toe nail.


This reminds me of several other times I injured myself in my life, simply because I was lost in the mind, lost in thoughts.


I once shattered my metacarpal bone in my hand because I was enraged, I ‘snapped’ due to some angry thoughts I had about another.


A few years back I tore a ligament in my leg, playing basketball and lost in the thought of how I was going to win, not paying attention to my body as I was busy watching one of my shots go in the net.


I had a motorcycle accident a while ago because I reacted to what the person in front of me was doing, started thinking and didn’t pay attention because of my thinking for a crucial moment.


When I was younger I got a concussion playing football, lost and caught up again in thoughts about winning and sacrificing my body for my minds desires.


These are just a few examples of what being lost in the mind of thoughts can do, and it is a tiny scope of the consequences of being lost in the mind; it barely accounts for future consequences, peripheral consequences and the consequences it has on the lives of other people and this world. It shows the important of ‘getting back to ourselves’ – getting real with yourself, becoming self honest with yourself about what it is that you are in fact doing with your body/life, and learning to actually direct yourself, here as the breath of a physical being – not a system of the mind that is directed by programmed thoughts and ideas about what is apparently important, about what one should apparently be living, which is always self serving – ego.


A bit of pain every now and again can do us good as the consequences of living out ego and not directing ourselves self honestly, if we use that pain and unpleasant experience as motivation/a reality check to look at ourselves and question what we are doing, to realize the error of what we are doing and redirect/re-align ourselves accordingly.

Day 328: Culture of Ego



Through utilizing the tool of self honesty as self introspection, I began to see that we live in a society where ego, selfishness and self interest is promoted extensively. It has become so pathological that within our interaction with others, we almost feel obliged to feed each others ego’s by finding ways to make others feel good about themselves. We observe and learn from a young age that: “If I can do something to produce this positive feeling within another person, then they will like me and favor me, I will be rewarded and recognized for this.”


People need to be reassured that they are special and that the identities they have created for themselves to survive by ‘being somebody in this world’ are in fact real and valid – people need validation. So we commend males on aspects of their masculinity, like for instance how we worship male athletes. We commend women on their femininity, that they are beautiful and pretty. We even try to commend children with over-exaggerated praise, as if they require the same validation that we as adults do.


The reason I am writing about this point is that I have seen this tendency in myself, but especially with regards to recognizing and complimenting female ‘beauty’ – appearances. But we all know how deceiving appearances can be. As aforementioned, the reason when tend to feed each others ego’s is because we believe we can somehow benefit from it, and in the case of a male recognizing the beauty of a female, the intent here is to feed their ego’s, which will hopefully reflect well on the male. Blinded by our own selfishness and desire, what we foolishly fail to realize is that we are partaking in a game of selfishness where everybody is secretly competing for their own self interest, their own personal success that does not regard the success of others equally.


Naively, I played the game and extensively fed the ego’s of some of the women that I lusted for – not realizing the true, twisted and evil nature of ego, not realizing the game I was playing and the danger I was placing myself in, by believing that I am partaking in something beautiful and wonderful, because maybe my desires were being met for a time, not realizing the ‘monsters’ within both of us that I was feeding. Ego, the larger it gets, can really take on some monstrous proportions, and that is why, once the veil of love and beauty is lifted because the tricks we use in playing this game no longer work and the energy runs out, things turn nasty and what was once a relationship of fake love turns into hate and war.


Of course this true nature of ego is hidden from the eyes, and the game is promoted so extensively as ‘normal’, and the feelings that we get from each other when we stimulate our egos is just so intoxicating , that this all can seem very innocent, far from what I have described above. Unfortunately, many who are intoxicated with these feelings or consumed by the shortsightedness of their own self interest will not consider what I am saying, to prevent calamity. Those who have gone through the consequences of participating in these games, and have the self respect to say ‘enough’, may consider and even relate to what is being shared here. Coming from a male who was raised to be obsessed with female beauty and conditioned to worship and pursue it, if it is possible for me to reconsider, then surely anyone can. Ego has become so ‘picture-based’ and ‘look-based’, that every single time we believe we are just recognizing a pretty picture, we should stop to realize and consider that we are actually recognizing and validating much more than just an image, but rather that we are supporting and validating the ‘image and likeness’ of ego.

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others


Nothing moves unless I move myself


I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.


The following is from my journal entry for today:


we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience


When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete


I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow


When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself


When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’


I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real


When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me


when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Day 313: Male ego desires and control in a relationship

Here is the description of the ultimate female partner from the perspective of the male ego:

My ideal woman. My ideal woman should be sexy and beautiful, young and cute. She should be very innocent but a devil when I want her to be. Meaning she should be well behaved and never have a single impure thought, super innocent, but when I want her to basically be my own personal slut, she should be that. She should be completely loyal and love me to an obsessive degree, catering to my every whim. Of course she should never be disloyal and or change from this, so I don’t want any unpredictable behavior, and so of course I don’t want her doing drugs or hanging out with the wrong crowd who could influence her in any other way that may have her deviate from being the person that I want her to be. She should always be pleasant and never have a problem, and if there ever was one, she should tell me and deal with it in an absolute perfect way. I don’t want to have any tough confrontations, because that is too scary, I might feel like I could lose here!

It’s all about control. It is all about self interest and of course it is never about what is best for all. Self serving and self preservation is all that matters in the eyes of the mind/ego. How do I know this? Well, I am human, and I am a male. I am not saying that all males are like this, but many secretly are like this, and really just try and get as much out of this as they possibly can. The same way we as individuals try to get ‘the best out of life that we can for ourselves’ – why would our relationships be any different? What is that feeling when you get a great deal at the shopping mall all about? “yes, I won! I got a great deal, it was a bargain” – but did you ever stop and ask yourself – who had to lose? If it is a great deal for me, if it wasn’t a total fair and equal exchange, then who lost out while I benefitted? It is a simple arithmetic.

Much self forgiveness is required, point by point – here I will start with ‘the ideal woman’ that every man wants.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to have a woman that only suits my self interest and beliefs about what will please me and make me happy, because I fear to face myself and be alone with myself and thus want someone to constantly stimulate me into some kind of a positive experience and never break the flow of energy of positive feelings so that I can stay drugged forever with positive feelings and never actually have to face reality, learn, grow and become a better being for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to ‘have it both ways’ with a woman where I want her to be pure and innocent with all others but then be willing to do any deviant or nefarious act so long as it is within the context of what I believe I want and what makes me happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to have a woman obsess over me and cater to my every whim and believe I am/treat me like I am a God, and if I so happen to treat a woman like a Goddess within this context, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only do so because this is what I want in return, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give up the act and let her see me as a regular person/equal within the self trust that I will stand for life and support her in all ways to see, realize and understand the value that she and I as life both have and share

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over loyalty and obedience and a partner being the things I believe I want her to be, only because it stimulates/feeds my mind/ego with the energy it needs to be able to exist, and within this, that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify such controls as being in her best interest by associating it with her being a ‘good’ and ‘loyal’ and ‘trustworthy’ person who ‘never does anything bad’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for my partner to never do any drugs or anything devious or be influenced by others, but from a starting point of wanting to control her because I fear that she may not be the loyal servant that I want who will give me everything I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I want, need and desire a woman who fits all of my criteria that is easy to control and is perfect and never has problems and is always pleasant and never confronts me or gives me difficult challenges – as I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my positive energy experience and believing that a relationship with a woman must be a positive energy experience, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to be challenged is actually quite cool because it gives me an opportunity to look at myself and become a better person who is able to be more effective and directive in caring for life

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship and always take points of challenge/conflict/emotional reaction back to myself so that I may correct and improve myself and thus have a more enjoyable experience of myself and relationships that is actually real and not energy/illusion based

I commit myself to let go of any criteria/ideals that I have created about my girlfriend needing to be perfect, sweet, innocent, pleasant, harmless, obedient and never making mistakes – I commit myself to stand as the being that I would like to see others stand as and no longer blame others for their shortcomings but rather trust myself in self honesty to stand as the example, no matter how difficult it seems and how intense the fear may be of how another is living and what they may do to me

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to control my girlfriend because I fear that she may harm me, and even justify this fear/desire to control as it being ‘good for her life too’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire to control is just the ego fearing unpredictability so that I do not have to stand for/as life with integrity – thus I do not participate in this desire to control my partner as it arises within my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself wanting to escape/give up on the relationship because I see that my partner is having problems/is not perfect/is doing things that may have negative/unpredictable consequences in the future – I stop, I breathe, I see how I am deceptively trying to escape the situation using the ‘what if’ fear and that I am only doing this and focusing on another not being perfect because I myself do not want to give up the fear of what others may do to me and rather stand unconditionally as the example as what is best for all life – and thus I do not participate in this desire to give up and remain here as the living example, by not giving into this desire/justification/deception, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions would have me do

When and as I see myself wanting desiring to treat my partner like a Goddess – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is only ‘giving to get’ and that I fear if I do not do this, she will not think I am special too and treat me like a God and might leave and thus I could lose my energetic experience with this person – and thus I allow myself to remain here as breath, treating my partner as an equal through showing her who I really am, with the self trust that by showing her who I really am in self honesty as life, that the value of life may be realized as this gives the only chance that we could ever share real life as equals and one – thus I do not participate in this deceptive desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to embrace the challenges of being in a relationship, and to embrace another with all their flaws and fuck-ups, through embracing and facing myself and all my fuck ups with self honesty and self corrective application, so that no matter what another does/is living, I remain here, trustworthy with/as life

Day 267: Laziness and energy flow


Throughout this process, sometimes I feel frustrated because I have worked on a point so much, and applied myself to change on this point – and yet may still fall from time to time. I feel like “I have figured this shit out, I know what it’s all about, I know how it works – why do I still fall? What am I missing here?

I have lived a life where basically I was given no real value or support to develop self expression, and in absence of that I developed a shell of a life, a shell of a ‘me’, a fake me to replace the real me to give myself an experience of having lived or having value. That is not life – that is energy and that is what most people seem to be doing to some degree or another – looking for the next high, the next happy experience of themselves. We are hellbent on this feeling that we perceive to be happiness.

Through this ‘fake me’ I have developed, I have developed all kinds of bad habits where the personality lives itself out to get this higher experience of itself – it is basically just ego. In a way these habits are really just a form of laziness, because it is so easy to just fall back into old habits and never have to act/work to live myself, to take on new experiences and self development – that takes far more work/action. As I remember hearing years ago through Desteni portal interviews: laziness is a drug. I see now the practicality and implications of these words more than ever.

I need to be realistic about the fact that stopping these habits take time and absoluteness. They require an absoluteness in my resolve to stand and stop these habits/patterns – both the bigger patterns and the smaller. The smaller points seem insignificant, like I can just let them ‘slide’ and they will be of no consequence or if there is a consequence it will apparently be minor and I can ‘handle it’.

But the fact is that these points begin what could be called a flow of energy. I saw this word ‘flow’ used in this way recently, to explain the accumulation of energy that is built up when we give into seemingly insignificant moments of weakness and desire, and it is a useful word in that its shows how the momentum of the energy is already moving, and from another blog I recently read it was pointed out to me how something that is moving is hard to stop, the more momentum and force it has. 

Seems obvious doesn’t it? Yet we always miss the obvious. So it is best that I not fool myself when I am playing with the fire of energy as seemingly small/harmless habits, thinking that I can handle it, because these are the points that inevitably lead to a big fuckup.

We tend to believe that we are in charge, that we are the masters of our domain – this is simply not so, but rather that voice in our head that tells us this is ego, stepping forth in place of your actual self to deceive you so that you don’t change and it can keep getting what it wants, like an drunk person believing they are in fine condition to drive. 

And there are so many ways to justify it: “just this one time, just a bit, I can handle it, I am stressed, I need to relax, I’m in a bad mood, this will cheer me up!” But as I have mentioned about my past history, these habits and the desire to give into these habits have been formed purely as a compensation for not having lived – replacing the experience of living a life of self value and self expression with a bundle of addictive behavior habits/patterns that give me an energetic experience which I have come to trust and call happiness.

So, this shit is going to take time, coupled with strictness and consistency in terms of what I will or will not allow. It will take time and consistency to stop the habits and to even first establish the new tools/support systems as consistent and unwavering, until they are natural and automated.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is the fuel of personality and with energy, the personality has a certain flow, and that this energy as personality will flow more when I give it more energy, and that this personality is not in fact me but a demonic entity that exist within me that drives me to the brink of my own possessions/obsessions as fears/beliefs/desires and that to give into even a single thought of desire is to build and accumulate energy which fuels the flow of the mind


Thus I commit myself to be strict in not giving into thoughts/moments of desire as I see, recognize and understand that it is only through these small moments that I am able to either damn myself or set myself free, and thus when and as I see thoughts of desire arise – I immediately stop, breathe and let go, to keep breathing if they are persistent until the energy has stopped, and as the energy has dissipated and been diffused through breath I am then able to move me, to express me, to live me a new and see who I am in these new moments of opportunity where I am no longer controlled, influenced and directed by my own weaknesses as thoughts of desire.

Day 263: The desire to act as reACTions



For a long time in my life I have had tendency to be reactive, I mean, this generally describes most people, but in my case I use the expression ‘jump the gun’ – because it is the kind of thing that we call ‘taking initiative’ or ‘acting first’ or ‘act quickly’ – it is based on competitive conditioning and based on the notion that if I am the first to act, the first to get there, the first to do the right thing, the first to have the answer – if I am first and I act now, I will be the winner apparently. Within the context of our currently world system, this is unfortunately true in many cases, however, these systems are busy collapsing and they simply don’t work any more, which is why I am looking at this point and recognize that it requires to be addressed and stopped. It comes from the kind of conditioning we get in for instance school when children are stimulated to want to be the first one to raise their hand and give the correct answer to the teacher. 

Of course this point of wanting to be first and win is based on the fear of loss, and when I look at examples of how this point arises in my daily experiences as my thoughts, the fear of loss as motivation becomes evident. It came up today (and has come up a few other times recently, as thoughts do tend to be patterned) as the fear that another person would not understand something that is crucial to understand – that they would not ‘get it’, and as a result this would apparently not be good for them. This is a form of mental projection as it is in fact me that perceives them ‘not figuring it out’ to be bad for me, through projecting some ideal that others must understand that which matters to me – as if I am looking for agreement in some worldview – what is the point of this? If I were really about supporting others, I would stop this fear within myself – in fact I would only focus on myself and stopping all fears within myself so that I can stand as the living example for others – whether they take to it or not and realize a point of self responsibility or not should not dictate who I am and my own process – and ultimately, if I am really standing absolutely, then it would be a certainty that inevitably – all will understand, all will ‘get it’, because my standing is so absolute that I will stand as the example eternally, for as long as required to support life as myself.

So, within this point of reacting/initiating/taking immediate action, I see now that I have equated/associated talking/action with ‘making a difference for the better’, in a kind of what where it is like more is better, faster is better than slower – this is how this fear as the desire to act/react is justified. But it is fascinating, because I have noticed for instance that sometimes I have spoken a lot, too much, and spoken more and more, and even got to the point of repeating myself – and yet no impact is made in the lives of others. Conversely, I have seen times where I have remained silence when no speaking/action is necessary as it would simply not be effective at particular times, and then when I do speak when it is appropriate, it may take only a few simple words to very effectively assist, support and direct another. 

I can see that we as a society to tend to talk – a lot – and get nothing done. Nothing really changes. It looks lively, it is very stimulating, it can be exciting and entertaining – but is it real, in terms of actually making real progress, in terms of really experiencing and expressing ourselves?

So I have copied this behavior and often times it is this behavior that stimulates me to just copycat – there is that pressure sometimes (which I really place on myself) to respond, like I must respond, I must validate this person and all they have talked about which reflects what they believe and how they think – or else maybe they won’t like me so much, maybe I won’t get favoritism from them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that more is better than less, that faster is better than slower, within the desire to act quickly/react/initiate, based within the fear of loss and the belief that if I am not the first to act and act quickly and act a lot, then I will apparently lose – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project this fear of loss onto others as the fear of them losing, not seeing, realizing and understanding that my fear of others losing/not finding their way is actually a projection of myself because I am not standing absolutely and from this perspective I am creating this scenario by not standing and thus ensuring that neither of us will self realize/find our way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply copy and mimic others as the act of speaking a lot and making a lot of commotion/energy/interaction/stimulation, only because I fear how others will react if I do not and that I will disappoint them or that they will see me as not valuable or not contributing – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always believe that acting/reacting/talking is always the solution and always going to make a difference

I commit myself to stop the tendency to react and want to speak and say the right things and to justify such desires with the fear of loss as the belief that I must act and help others, as I see, realize and understand that such a reaction is a projection of myself within the awareness that I must stand for/as myself

When and as I see myself talking a lot/having the desire arise to talk/react/act quickly/say a lot – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this behavior as reaction is not effective as it is based in fear if loss and copying others and thus it is not directive, and thus I assess immediately in he moment if speaking/acting is in fact effective or if I am just doing it out of fear as a desire to appease others and pacify my own fears – and thus when I see myself reacting, I do not participate in these reactions/the desire to react as it arises in actions, words, thoughts, and energy

Day 238: The desire for attention from others


In my last post I did forgiveness on the desire to have a positive experience/interaction with others. This is basically a form of attention, where I give attention to others in a positive way and others give positive attention to me. Fascinatingly now that am writing, I notice that the word attention is at-tension – because when we give attention from the starting point of validating our egos, it puts a strain on us, we are at a point of tension, as I notice that when I do too much of this energetically-charged kind of positive interaction, I end up totally drained and depleted of energy.

When we don’t get the kind of attention and recognition that we are used to getting from others, suddenly we go into a kind of sadness, a kind of loneliness, a kind of depression. The mind basically starts throwing a tantrum because it is simply not getting the energy it requires to validate itself. I mean people don’t like to be alone because it means they are left alone with who they are, without anyone to validate it and make it real for them. You may also notice this with others – the pressure to act and behave a certain way with others, because you know that if you don’t behave in certain ways and act they way they are used to/expect you to, you may have a problem. Suddenly others are not getting what they want and a justification is found to sever communication or end the relationship. I am facing exactly this point, both wanting the attention/recognition/energy, and fearing not giving it to others.

 The fact is that we can not continue to exist this way because it is just a conditional relationship that has no real integrity. I mean what is the point in having those kind of interactions, especially knowing that inevitably they will likely end. I mean it is just not sustainable because it is really not about enjoying, experiencing and interacting with others, it is about getting what you want – energy – and so if one person doesn’t do the job, we’ll just go searching for another who will.

 The energy and attention that we get is always related in some way to our self definition – who we are as how we have defined ourselves and how others define us. So when we’re getting that attention, is is giving recognition to all that self definition, validating it – without it, we are not being ‘recognized’ as that point of self definition that we have come to exist as.

 We are looking for others to validate illusions about ourselves. To feel like we have a big community of friends and family and people all around who like us and care for us and all that good stuff – why is that need and desire to have that experience so great? Because we know the reality of things – we know it is not the truth of our reality, and thus we create the illusion that everything is fine with the positive attention we give to each other. We don’t have to face who we actually are and what we have become in this reality, so we go on validating the illusions of ourselves that we’ve created by acting on them as the starting point of our interaction with others, where everybody is just constantly giving each other a little stroke, fucking each other in the ears with positive attention bullshit. I mean even when we are not getting the positive attention we want, we will throw a tantrum within the awareness that at least some kind of energy will come forth, and will sadly endure even more abuse now in the form of negative attention – anything will do. I mean it is like what is said about celebrities and famous people do: any publicity is good publicity.

 This point has also arisen within the context of relationships between two partners, because this is the reason why people get jealous – because we see how our partners do the same shit we’re doing, looking for attention, and when we see them get it from others, we react. And yet somehow we feel it is perfectly fine to get all that attention for ourselves, from whoever we can. Mike McDonald coined the term ‘energy slut’, a term that slightly improves upon and the conventional ‘attention whore’ term – and that is exactly what it is, being a virtual whore for energy – anything and anyone will do. When looking at this point within the context of my relationship, my initial tendency was to make sure that we basically did not do this with others so that we would not be jealous, but then I realize that it is not about who we do it with, that does not somehow justify and validate it. If anything, doing it in a relationship is the most dangerous because that is where people are giving each other massive, intense amounts of energy. My irrational fear is that if I do not continue to feed the relationship this kind of energy, that it will end, but if I continue, it is a certainty that it will end. I mean even if it lasted, it would not be worth it, because it is just asking for a relationship full of problems. Most relationships are really just a form of dependency. We are going to have to change this. We are going to have to learn how to really treat each other, how to really care for real, how to really support, to make real, sustainable agreements that are not based on energy and require upkeep as giving positive attention.

 The tendency for me to do this is great. The tendency for me to want this is great. For this reason I also have a tendency to go to the extreme of wanting to be like ‘fuck it, I am totally not going to do that anymore!’, but it is not about that, it is not about saying fuck that thing and then doing another thing – it is about simply breathing through the desire to want to act that way/be treated that way, and not allowing ourselves to be influenced by these energies within us when they arise.

 There must be a starting point of who we are in our world and our interactions that is based on reality, that is based on what is best for ourselves and all life and that paves the path of the road to successful and sustainable living. As long as everybody is too busy worried about playing this game, about who they apparently are (or rather, who they believe themselves to be) in this cult of personality, our relationships and our world will continue to be a mess.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and that I have not embraced my aloneness as the unconditional acceptance and embracing of myself.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go seeking/looking for positive attention from others, and to contextualize all of my behavior by this desire to get attention from others and have a positive experience with others.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define others caring for me as giving me attention, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to quantify love and caring as how much energy as attention I am being given, not realizing that I am in fact equating and quantifying how much energy I am getting

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply give into the unexpected/unintended attention others give me because I am too weak to establish and ensure that the interaction is specific, supportive, real, and that which is best for all

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to judge myself and others for being energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be an energy slut and within the desire to be an energy slut, want and desire to have other energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I judge another for being an energy slut and looking for attention, I am only proving that I am an energy slut through my inability to remain stable and clear and be directive

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get stimulated and excited and activate all kind of energies/personalities/opinions/knowledge/beliefs when I am speaking and speak/interact with others, because I know I am in the opportunity zone to get attention from others and thus I go into this entire mental experience where my words are compromised as they are energetically driven from the starting point of wanting/getting attention and wanting a positive outcome/experience

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so easily distracted by other people because I am so concerned with getting attention with them and the kind of attention I will get from them and thus will become super reactive/have a heightened sense of awareness’ because I am being so careful about the point of ‘how do i manipulate this in a way where I will get the attention that I want?’

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how loneliness and missing others is in fact missing the energy I experience when I get attention from others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine my relationships and who I will interact with and who I will be more drawn to, based on who I would like-most to give me attention, based on their status in society/the eyes of others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be seen/regarded as special /important with the point of getting attention from others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on the substance and content of my relationship and instead just focused on making sure there is lots of attention getting and positive energy transfers

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand on the behalf of those who are still hopelessly addicted to energy and require attention always through not judging them or reacting to them because I am in fact stopping my own desire for energy/attention/fulfillment/validation from another

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to make myself attractive, likeable and desirable within the eyes of the system so that I can get energy as attention from others

 I commit myself to embrace myself here alone and give myself the attention and recognition that I never gave myself – not as a sentiment, but as an actual physical act of ‘living self worth’ by taking on challenges, goals, accomplishing things, expanding myself, growing myself, educating myself, improving myself, working towards outcomes that will be best for my life and the lives of others

 I commit myself to give recognition, value and attention to myself as the self honest commitment to stop the mind, stop all weaknesses, stop all fears, stop all desires for attention as energy from others

 I commit myself to stop going looking for energy from others and rather, remain here as breath as the physical

 I commit myself to not give-in to the desire to get attention when others call upon me by trying to turn it into/contextualize it by some kind of positive energetic experience of giving each other attention and value, and thus I commit myself to ensure that all interactions are specific and supportive to myself and others, and yet I commit myself to watch the tendency to want to ‘force it’ by trying to make others understand this point and if nothing can be done, to simply let it be

 When and as I see the desire arise within me to try and make a positive experience and get attention from others, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am just feeding my own weakness and inferiority and remaining addicted to energy and also keeping others enslaved/trapped in energy through not being able to assist and support them, and thus I do not participate in this desire when it arises in the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself desiring to have others understand me and what I am doing as a point of trying to ‘save the attention/energy addiction’ and keep things going, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I must first be honest with myself and direct myself and clear my self of any and all points before I am able to effectively understood, and thus I do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as the fear that I will not be understood/will lose attention and energy

I commit myself to stop the tendency/habit of wanting/needing/desiring to get attention from others

Day 227: What does a Destonian mean when we say ‘stop the mind’?

It is fascinating the kind of reaction a statement such as this gets from some of the haters, and I notice that much of it weighs solely on semantics – the meaning we give to the word ‘mind’.

More commonly in western societies, the mind is given positive connotations: it is seen as the answer, something of real value and we had better use it or lose it. “have you lost your mind?” is what we say when someone does something insane. “use your mind….think for yourself!” we say of the value we give to thoughts and how they apparently serve us. After all, you don’t want to me a “mindless zombie”, would you? Fascinating that so much of this reaction is based purely on a blind energetic charge that we give to a single word.

Funnily enough, that with all of the minds in the world, all 7+ billion , it just doesn’t seem to be enough to make sure that everyone on this planet has food to eat, a roof over their head, an opportunity to work, to go to school, to have healthcare and other forms of support that are human necessities. So much for the ‘power of the mind’, because even if it does serve self, and that seems to work for a while – it won’t last – you will see.

Contrastingly, when you look at some old philosophies from the far east on the mind, a different approach can be found –  that the mind is something to silence, to be conquered, to be vanquished, to be transcended.

We tend to miss this point because we have taken for granted what the input has been that has created our minds – how our minds have been developed and influenced in ways that are destructive towards ourselves and all other life around us. And if one really looks at it, this mind is the thing that dominates us in every way. We are in no way directing your thoughts, on the contrary, they are directing us, they simply pop up and most of the time we don’t even notice. It is that voice in your head that tell you that you are not good enough, it is that feeling that tells you that you need something to be complete, it is that emotion that makes you fear others and your reality so extensively that you will spitefully take every measure to ensure that you are the one who will win over others.

This is why it is called mind control – and we are going to have to remove another false connotation here that mind control is something that someone is doing ‘to you’ – that is not the case. While society provides us with the example, it is we that copy it, and we do so from such a young age that we tend to even forget that it was we who allowed it in the first place.

Before you know it, one day we are all grown up and it is the mind that is in control. We trust it to such an extent that to even question it will be viewed as something that is evil, something that is done only by evil dictators and totalitarians. But who is the dictator really? Isn’t the statement of “this is me, this is MY mind and this is THE way, don’t ever question it, that is wrong!” an absolute statement of a totalitarianist dictatorship?

If a being has any true autonomy left, they would allow themselves the right to question their own mind, they would pursue the path of writing to see what is really taking place within and as their own mind and if you really look at it, I mean look at your thoughts, you’ll see that they are always judgmental in nature, always coming in the form of either positive or negative judgment call – the mind is calling you out – now it is time to call out the mind!

I understand that this has become such a difficult thing to question because the mind requires fuel to keep it alive and that comes in the form of living/repeating patterns/habits/addictions that are designed and scripted by the mind – the mind sets us on a path to feed its own logic, a path of logic, and we become pathological in the way we live out these patterns/habits/addictions that feed the mind, it is pathological, and as anyone who has been taken to the depths of their pathology as addictions can attest to, it can become really pathetic.

However what I am seeing more and more, the less and less I give into the wants and desires of my mind, those tough moments where I literally have to breathe until the desires go away – and sometimes that is really tough, you can feel and experience it like you’re losing everything, life a kind of death is around the corner – it is in those moments that you do not give in, that you no longer allow the mind to influence, control and direct you – that you grow the most, that you transcend the mind and break free from the grip it has on you. It is a kind of death – the death of your jailor who is a character you have created as your mind, and thus it is the birth of your freedom.

The cool thing about all of this is that you don’t have to take anyone’s word on it, after all we are weary of taking the words of others at face value because we know deep down that words as knowledge are the scripting tools of the mind and how mind control is administered. You can go test this shit out for yourself. Try to stop the mind, try to stop your thoughts from popping up – you will see how difficult it is, you will see the extent to which it is in control and you are not. Some will even go to the extent of convincing themselves that just because they cannot stop, then this is just ‘the way it is’ and that it is not possible to stop the mind.

The answer exist within each one as the truth of themselves but it requires self honesty to get to the bottom of what is really going on here. It is the greatest challenge one could ever undertake – to challenge themselves as each one has become their own worst enemy. You have to give yourself that gift of self honesty as the awareness to challenge your own mind and everything that you have ever believed in – you have to give yourself the gift of self forgiveness.

Day 213: Facing tough situations

I feel so sick today, I hate it. I just want to sleep and play games and eat junk food. The thing is that playing a game takes as much energy as much energy as reading or doing some work, so being sick isn’t really an excuse to fuck around. I feel dopey as well and this may be because of the pain killer medication I took, which makes focusing a bit challenging, and unfortunately because of my illness, coffee is not an option. Being sick also affects my mood, I’m not happy and I feel whiny. But of course it’s not something I can take out on others. I am just going to have to ‘tough this out’ – it reminds me of all the other people around the world who just have to ‘tough out’ really difficult conditions.

In a few days I will be back in Canada, living a life of hard work with my University responsibilities, and being cash strapped, living with just what I need. Really it’s an ideal opportunity to support myself in this process of stopping the mind – just doing my work, then my process work and taking care of other responsibilities, and that’s it. It is obviously a challenge to the mind because the mind wants something ore, whether it is the addiction to sex, to eating delicious foods that stimulate me, to entertaining myself, to participating in social interactions that stimulate me and make me feel special, to participating in substances that give me a higher experience of myself, to partying, to – whatever! It is all just ways to give me an energetic experience – one that I really don’t need. I know that I’ve got to get real about stopping my mind, really silencing myself within myself, and that the odds are really stacked against me, so to assist me in stopping all the shit that’s in the mind, it does really help to stop all the stimulus, to stop participating in all the desires I have. There is nothing wrong with taking care of myself and my body – in fact that is what I have neglected in the pursuit of desires. That will be all for today – I am in a lot of pain and unfocused due to the meds at the moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the mind and what it will really take to give up the mind for real as the stopping of all participation in my desires

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to fully do that which I would like others to do for me – assist and support me through giving up their own desires as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to work only for a reward and feel as though I deserve a reward for my work as the fulfilling of desires/self interest and thus to justify fulfilling desires with the fact that I have worked

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something ‘more’ than doing my work/supporting the physical body/doing what is necessary to be done as the desire for a reward as a way to stimulate my ego/mind as an experience of myself as something more

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in the desire for something more and participating in this desire is neglecting my physical body and the physical reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the humbling experience of not getting what I want as support for the physical body as the stopping of feeding my mind/ego

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see the link between tough situations, feeling bad and my desires for energy/stimulation/a higher experience of myself

I commit myself to stop justifying desires through feeling bad or being in tough situations/conditions

I commit myself to do my work, tend to daily responsibilities, take care of my physical body – and expect nothing else, no reward, and to not desire anything beyond what is here as an experience of ‘more than’ what is here

When and as I see myself justifying my desire for something more as a deserved reward – I stop, I breathe, I see that I am deceiving myself and looking for ways to neglect the body/the physical reality to be able to please and satisfy the desires/cravings of the mind, and I stop my participation in these justifications/desires

I commit myself to live as the physical and breathe through the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, no matter where I am, what I am doing, how I feel, or what justifications may come up

Day 209: Commodifying life


In the game that we have made out of life we have turned everything into commodities from which we can benefit somehow, either directly or indirectly. We commodify everything from nature, to animals, to objects that we create and produce, to other people, to even ideas. This has become a way of life on earth, a way to survive as the current context of the our life experience on earth and how the economy functions is that of survival. I mean there are really only 2 days to live: the first being our current way that we live where we are obsessed with ourselves and our own self interest, always operating in a way that will ensure only our survival, success and benefit – or the new way which is what the Equal Life Foundation is proposing, which is to live in a way that is best for all life, which obviously would include self, but not putting self above others as the primary point or having some form of higher priority.

In my family, I was taught by all those who came before me that ‘love is everything’ and that relationships in the family were of the utmost importance – all this despite how actually fucked up and dysfunctional my family has always been. My grandfather was known for being a brutally abusive alcoholic and my grandmother turned a blind eye and could not find it within herself to stand up to any of the abuse that went on in the family. In fact the relationship between the grandparents became so abusive that it was some of their children who took it upon themselves to stand up for my grandmother and remove her from the abusive relationship, with my grandfather angrily chasing them from behind in his car.

Now they key point in my grandmother who allowed so much abuse was love. She was obsessed with love. She was a being of pure love and light bliss. She was all hugs and kisses and nice words and always giving out delicious food and candy. It was always a big love in, interacting with her, as I remember as a child she would become so consumed by her excitement and feelings of love when we would visit her. Except that one time she washed my mouth out with soap when I was a toddler for swearing – fuck that was an awful experience lol.

The energetic experience of love was her drug and her escape from this reality, along with all the things that she loved like food and her family which brought her these feelings. She wasn’t much one for standing up when it mattered most, facing the darkness when courage was needed. I remember one moment in particular where one of my aunts was sobbing in tears while we were visiting my grandmother and my mother becoming so angry at my grandmother because while this was going on, my grandmother was just as lost and consumed in her experience of love and bliss as ever, completely disregarding and not even noticing what my aunt had been going through at the moment, just a few feet away from her sitting on another couch.

So to establish this point loud and clear – the love that was taught and lived in my family was rather a form of escapism and self interest to be able to turn a blind eye and not have to take responsibility and face one’s reality. Love is a really powerful drug, as anyone who studies the effects of ‘love’ in our world can quickly see, it is responsible for amazing things and some of the most brutal atrocities ever perpetrated and allowed. Wasn’t it that Van Gogh artist guy who cut off his ear for love? I think that was his name. Crazy shit.

So anyways, this love as it was understood and lived was passed on down to new generations – albeit unwittingly – down to my mother and her siblings and then down to me and my sister.

As a child it made me extremely weak and dependent, to the point where I became ashamed of my relationship with my mother because it really represented this weakness as this lovey-dovey ‘I need you and you need me’ bullshit kind of relationship. I saw from an early age how weak it made me and I was ashamed of this, especially in world where the reality is that you have got to have a thick skin, independence and personal resolve in order to have any kind of life worth living.

Not only this, but I saw at a young age that this love was bullshit, as there were some traumatic events that exposed the truth of all this love shit: that it wasn’t true, that my mother was not in fact this ‘being of love’ that she had presented herself to be. So from a young age I was extremely weary of it all. And yet eventually in my teens this weakness continued to develop itself without me necessarily being aware of it because while I had associated this point with my mother and lost faith in her, I still went on looking for the same point in other people, to experience the drug of love in relationships with other people.

This post is particularly about how we commodify the people in our lives in order to get this experience of love as a drug as self interest which I’m talking about – it is a total addiction. We are addicted to our commodities, we are addicted to the stuff we possess (or believe we do). We are constantly using each other in some way or another and in the case of relationships it is often to get the experience of ‘love’ as the drug we have become so addicted to.

Within this, we will also look for those who will produce the strongest experience of love, those whose love will be ‘more potent’ as a drug, because of the status they hold. It’s just the same way that someone feels good if they have a nice new car, but they will feel even better if they have a nice new and really expensive luxury car. We will, based on how society gives more value to some people based on their looks, their status, their financial standing, their possessions, their skills, want and desire those who have a higher value in the eyes of society based on how we as a society give value to human beings, as commodification. I mean the experience of ‘love’ that one gets from a rich, good looking person with a high level job and skill set, is going to be much better from the experience of love you’ll get from an uneducated homeless person. Some might say ‘but I don’t want that rich person, I’m happier with what I have’ – that is only a matter of circumstance because the reality is that you can’t have the best one and therefore you have to settle and you have to protect the fact that you settled as if it is your will because otherwise it will expose you limitation and your value in societies eyes because you’re not able to get the more highly valued and therefore attractive partner. I mean it is like saying “I wouldn’t want to be the richest person in the world” – of course you would! But you can’t so you have to settle and make it look like you wanted it that way because that protects your value and the reality of your value as it was given to you by your society as ‘not being the best’.

The truth is that everyone can be the best. But as long as we are busy commodifying ourselves and the world around us in an attempt to make us ‘more special’, then we will not allow ourselves to become the best we can be because we are living from a starting point of inferiority and wanting to compensate for that through possessions we acquire and monuments we build to ourselves. I have never had a family to call my own (lol) but I can certainly understand the point of ego that a parent or a grandparent can have and the experience that their possessions as commodities as their children/family members give them. I can relate to it from the relationship point of being a ‘boyfriend’, where I have commodified my partners and can take some kind of pride in saying ‘look at me, I have this girlfriend, she is mine, and she is a great one too!’ No different from someone showing off their shiny new sports car. Are we so depraved that we will allow this to exist? Or will be allow ourselves to stop commodifying the world around us as something that is ‘more than’ and live as equals to the world around us? I mean have a look even if you have all this wonderful stuff, you are actually making the statement that ‘I am less than this stuff’ because after all your greatness is dependent on having all that stuff – no high paying job, no bank account full of money, no amazing skills, no girlfriend, no family, no cars, no stuff – and suddenly the human lives as if it has no value as society has defined it – obviously observable in for instance homeless people in the world who are socially neglected, demonized and given no value, worth or unconditional support.

The fact is that this way of living will never satisfy, no matter how much we accumulate, no matter how great our families are, no matter how beautiful or special our relationship partner is, no matter how beautiful our homes are, now matter how great our jobs and status are, etc. it is the opposite of satisfying it is bolstering this lack of self recognition that exist within us that was our starting point all along.

So, pertaining to my own relationships, this point has to be lived, as if I fear to ‘lose my relationship’, then I can know one thing: it was never real in the first place as it was just a commodity, I mean that’s why the idea even exist in the first place that you have it and therefore you could lose it. What a crazy idea, as if we have some kind of magical ownership over the things around us in our environment. Ownership really is a state of mental delusion, not real. Through this belief we enslave the world around us, we enslave the animals, we enslave other humans, we enslave ourselves to our idea of dependency on things to satisfy and validate our egos. I don’t want anyone to be my slave anymore, because I don’t want to be a slave.