In my last post I did forgiveness on the desire to have a positive experience/interaction with others. This is basically a form of attention, where I give attention to others in a positive way and others give positive attention to me. Fascinatingly now that am writing, I notice that the word attention is at-tension – because when we give attention from the starting point of validating our egos, it puts a strain on us, we are at a point of tension, as I notice that when I do too much of this energetically-charged kind of positive interaction, I end up totally drained and depleted of energy.
When we don’t get the kind of attention and recognition that we are used to getting from others, suddenly we go into a kind of sadness, a kind of loneliness, a kind of depression. The mind basically starts throwing a tantrum because it is simply not getting the energy it requires to validate itself. I mean people don’t like to be alone because it means they are left alone with who they are, without anyone to validate it and make it real for them. You may also notice this with others – the pressure to act and behave a certain way with others, because you know that if you don’t behave in certain ways and act they way they are used to/expect you to, you may have a problem. Suddenly others are not getting what they want and a justification is found to sever communication or end the relationship. I am facing exactly this point, both wanting the attention/recognition/energy, and fearing not giving it to others.
The fact is that we can not continue to exist this way because it is just a conditional relationship that has no real integrity. I mean what is the point in having those kind of interactions, especially knowing that inevitably they will likely end. I mean it is just not sustainable because it is really not about enjoying, experiencing and interacting with others, it is about getting what you want – energy – and so if one person doesn’t do the job, we’ll just go searching for another who will.
The energy and attention that we get is always related in some way to our self definition – who we are as how we have defined ourselves and how others define us. So when we’re getting that attention, is is giving recognition to all that self definition, validating it – without it, we are not being ‘recognized’ as that point of self definition that we have come to exist as.
We are looking for others to validate illusions about ourselves. To feel like we have a big community of friends and family and people all around who like us and care for us and all that good stuff – why is that need and desire to have that experience so great? Because we know the reality of things – we know it is not the truth of our reality, and thus we create the illusion that everything is fine with the positive attention we give to each other. We don’t have to face who we actually are and what we have become in this reality, so we go on validating the illusions of ourselves that we’ve created by acting on them as the starting point of our interaction with others, where everybody is just constantly giving each other a little stroke, fucking each other in the ears with positive attention bullshit. I mean even when we are not getting the positive attention we want, we will throw a tantrum within the awareness that at least some kind of energy will come forth, and will sadly endure even more abuse now in the form of negative attention – anything will do. I mean it is like what is said about celebrities and famous people do: any publicity is good publicity.
This point has also arisen within the context of relationships between two partners, because this is the reason why people get jealous – because we see how our partners do the same shit we’re doing, looking for attention, and when we see them get it from others, we react. And yet somehow we feel it is perfectly fine to get all that attention for ourselves, from whoever we can. Mike McDonald coined the term ‘energy slut’, a term that slightly improves upon and the conventional ‘attention whore’ term – and that is exactly what it is, being a virtual whore for energy – anything and anyone will do. When looking at this point within the context of my relationship, my initial tendency was to make sure that we basically did not do this with others so that we would not be jealous, but then I realize that it is not about who we do it with, that does not somehow justify and validate it. If anything, doing it in a relationship is the most dangerous because that is where people are giving each other massive, intense amounts of energy. My irrational fear is that if I do not continue to feed the relationship this kind of energy, that it will end, but if I continue, it is a certainty that it will end. I mean even if it lasted, it would not be worth it, because it is just asking for a relationship full of problems. Most relationships are really just a form of dependency. We are going to have to change this. We are going to have to learn how to really treat each other, how to really care for real, how to really support, to make real, sustainable agreements that are not based on energy and require upkeep as giving positive attention.
The tendency for me to do this is great. The tendency for me to want this is great. For this reason I also have a tendency to go to the extreme of wanting to be like ‘fuck it, I am totally not going to do that anymore!’, but it is not about that, it is not about saying fuck that thing and then doing another thing – it is about simply breathing through the desire to want to act that way/be treated that way, and not allowing ourselves to be influenced by these energies within us when they arise.
There must be a starting point of who we are in our world and our interactions that is based on reality, that is based on what is best for ourselves and all life and that paves the path of the road to successful and sustainable living. As long as everybody is too busy worried about playing this game, about who they apparently are (or rather, who they believe themselves to be) in this cult of personality, our relationships and our world will continue to be a mess.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and that I have not embraced my aloneness as the unconditional acceptance and embracing of myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go seeking/looking for positive attention from others, and to contextualize all of my behavior by this desire to get attention from others and have a positive experience with others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define others caring for me as giving me attention, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to quantify love and caring as how much energy as attention I am being given, not realizing that I am in fact equating and quantifying how much energy I am getting
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply give into the unexpected/unintended attention others give me because I am too weak to establish and ensure that the interaction is specific, supportive, real, and that which is best for all
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to judge myself and others for being energy sluts
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be an energy slut and within the desire to be an energy slut, want and desire to have other energy sluts
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I judge another for being an energy slut and looking for attention, I am only proving that I am an energy slut through my inability to remain stable and clear and be directive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get stimulated and excited and activate all kind of energies/personalities/opinions/knowledge/beliefs when I am speaking and speak/interact with others, because I know I am in the opportunity zone to get attention from others and thus I go into this entire mental experience where my words are compromised as they are energetically driven from the starting point of wanting/getting attention and wanting a positive outcome/experience
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so easily distracted by other people because I am so concerned with getting attention with them and the kind of attention I will get from them and thus will become super reactive/have a heightened sense of awareness’ because I am being so careful about the point of ‘how do i manipulate this in a way where I will get the attention that I want?’
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how loneliness and missing others is in fact missing the energy I experience when I get attention from others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine my relationships and who I will interact with and who I will be more drawn to, based on who I would like-most to give me attention, based on their status in society/the eyes of others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be seen/regarded as special /important with the point of getting attention from others
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on the substance and content of my relationship and instead just focused on making sure there is lots of attention getting and positive energy transfers
I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand on the behalf of those who are still hopelessly addicted to energy and require attention always through not judging them or reacting to them because I am in fact stopping my own desire for energy/attention/fulfillment/validation from another
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to make myself attractive, likeable and desirable within the eyes of the system so that I can get energy as attention from others
I commit myself to embrace myself here alone and give myself the attention and recognition that I never gave myself – not as a sentiment, but as an actual physical act of ‘living self worth’ by taking on challenges, goals, accomplishing things, expanding myself, growing myself, educating myself, improving myself, working towards outcomes that will be best for my life and the lives of others
I commit myself to give recognition, value and attention to myself as the self honest commitment to stop the mind, stop all weaknesses, stop all fears, stop all desires for attention as energy from others
I commit myself to stop going looking for energy from others and rather, remain here as breath as the physical
I commit myself to not give-in to the desire to get attention when others call upon me by trying to turn it into/contextualize it by some kind of positive energetic experience of giving each other attention and value, and thus I commit myself to ensure that all interactions are specific and supportive to myself and others, and yet I commit myself to watch the tendency to want to ‘force it’ by trying to make others understand this point and if nothing can be done, to simply let it be
When and as I see the desire arise within me to try and make a positive experience and get attention from others, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am just feeding my own weakness and inferiority and remaining addicted to energy and also keeping others enslaved/trapped in energy through not being able to assist and support them, and thus I do not participate in this desire when it arises in the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions
When and as I see myself desiring to have others understand me and what I am doing as a point of trying to ‘save the attention/energy addiction’ and keep things going, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I must first be honest with myself and direct myself and clear my self of any and all points before I am able to effectively understood, and thus I do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as the fear that I will not be understood/will lose attention and energy
I commit myself to stop the tendency/habit of wanting/needing/desiring to get attention from others