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Day 320: Strengthening my resolve to stop daily addictive habits

 

What am I experiencing today? I am experiencing the desire for attention, I am experiencing an inability to stop myself when the prospect of having sex arises, I am experiencing desires to eat food that I really don’t need, it just takes good, I am experiencing the desire to smoke weed, I am experiencing resistance to getting down to doing real work like writing and self investigation or school work, excitement over my coffee habit where I get excited about drinking coffee and being productive, but don’t end up being productive. Also the addiction to pro sports thing, pointlessly checking sports updates for entertainment/distraction. I keep justifying the desire to smoke weed as ‘I can handle it, just do a bit once in a while’ or ‘I can put checks an restrictions on it that are out of my control so I have no choice to stop’, but it is like, how can I trust myself on that? Also fears about my relationships and whether or not it is practical or if I am ‘wasting time’ – which I should not project onto my relationship or the other because really a relationship is not even a real thing lol and the other is not to blame. I also notice I have this tendency to worry and be indirect in handling point I am facing by not being simplistic in writing about them, but rather reacting to them in moments of insights/moments where I notice them, or even when I write about them. This is unnecessary as it just takes simple self honesty to see the point with my own 2 eyes and it will then be obvious what to do – self forgiveness and self corrective application. That seems to be it, other than the regular thoughts that arise, which I should really start jotting down in a notebook – I just noticed that I found an excuse not to do this, and so I will in this moment go grab my notebook and a pen, to keep on my person.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to crave and desire attention from others as the stimulation that the mind needs/requires in order to define itself and move itself and have a purpose – when and as I see myself desiring attention from others, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire is the mind looking for self definition, purpose and direction – thus I do not participate in this desire and rather ‘keep my nose to the grindstone’ of directing myself in humbleness to simply continue to apply myself in doing what is really practical/relevant/necessary to be done, point by point

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire for sex when I see myself being stimulated by and reacting to the sight of another’s body and the opportunity/possibility of having sex – thus when and as I see myself having such reactions to the image/feeling/sensation of another’s body and the opportunity to have sex and the excitement at having the opportunity for an energy high, and the desire to act on these reactions: I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see the patterns where sex has become a mental experience/high of wanting an experience of an energetic high which the mind experiences as power, control and good feelings/sensation, and thus I remain here as breath when experiencing such sights or physical contact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to eat food that stimulates my mind because it tastes good, rather than simply giving the body what it requires practically, in gratefulness and humbleness – thus when and as I see myself going for the delicious food because I desire energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the body simply doesn’t need this and that if I do not participate, I will still be here/fine, and thus I do not participate in such desires no matter how the mind justifies it as I see that the mind is tricky and will tempt me in every way possible with thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a habit out of getting coffee as a ‘nice big idea’ because apparently it means I will do work and be more effective, as this is the ultimate deception to actually justify wasting more time once I’ve got coffee, putting my work off and procrastinating further – thus I commit myself to use coffee in a way that is practical wherein I set my plan of what I will be doing once I get my coffee, drink the coffee, and then simply do what I had planned immediately

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste my time, distract myself and generally lose self direction and focus by paying attention to pro sports updates – thus I commit myself to simply stop checking pro sports, and as a support I have already blocked all the pro sports sites I normally visited so that I have the reminder every time I may try to give into my desire, as I see and realize that stopping is sometimes difficult, and yet I am missing nothing of real benefit by simply stopping ‘cold turkey’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to smoke weed as a way of escaping my reality and completely not having to focus on doing anything real or making any real difference in myself and in this world, so I can just escape my reality and create a fantasy reality that is apparently blissful and deny life, just because I have defined myself as weak and incapable and defined making a difference in myself/this world as apparently difficult or not enjoyable – thus I commit myself to stop the desire or act of smoking weed as it is simply impractical – when and as this desire arises, I simply stop and breathe and do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see that it is the mind/ego attempting to destabilize me and that I am in fact not ‘missing out on anything’ by not escaping my reality through smoking weed

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self dishonesties onto my relationship and partner, such as impracticality and lack of self direction, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is in fact no such thing as a ‘relationship’ and that this is only a projection of who I am and how I am living onto this imaginary creation, as well as my partner, and that this point about me can be corrected so that I do not have such negative experiences projected onto things outside of myself – thus I commit myself to take the point I experience towards my relationship, whether it be doubt or fear or dissatisfaction or anger or impracticality or whatever it is, and take these points back to self and correct my living by correcting myself and my relationship with myself so that all other forms of relationship I experience and participate in are a real self expression of myself as that which is effective, directive and best for all life – when and as I see myself experiencing things like this towards my relationship/partner – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am projection me and my relationship with myself and my living application onto my relationship and partner, and thus I do not participate in these projections as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry and think too much about the points I am facing when I have a moment of insight, realization or noticing a point, and then go searching the mind for answers/solutions. When and as I see myself noticing a point or having an insight, and then immediately going into reaction/fear/searching the mind for what to do – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is impractical and only further complicates my process and is unnecessary over-thinking things, and that I can stop all this by simply breathing and also by writing out the point immediately, thus I do not participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as fearing points, reacting to them and trying to solve them with the mind, but rather simple breathe and do self forgiveness or write out the point

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Day 314: Correcting addiction, desire and dependency within relationships

 

There are two points that I highlighted in my life as points to write about, that appear to be very much connected. One is my reaction to my girlfriend joking about breaking up with me, and the second is the fact that I reacted (within myself, not so overtly) to a relative talking about Thai-westerner relationships being based in money, being scandalous – the whole point of people using each other.

 

I can’t deny that desires exist within me that play out in my relationships, especially my relationship with my partner, the sexual and close-bond relationship. I can see how we as human beings use the closeness of relationships – being preoccupied with each other, focusing our attention on each other constantly – and love, as a way of not having to face ourselves, to not actually grow within relationships but rather stagnate and diminish. Fascinating that stagnation is actually diminishment.

 

I can’t deny that I don’t do this, because I am very attracted to my partner in many ways. It is as though through separating myself from myself, by not wanting to face myself and what I have become, I look for that closeness in others, I focus on the likeable and positive qualities of another to get this experience of satisfaction when I know everything is not ok, both within myself and within this world. Here I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but simply refer to the fact that we as human beings live in constant fear and that’s what our thoughts, feelings and emotions are all about – this constant state of fear and desire (fear always breeds desire) that we live in.

 

In fact I am really attracted to my partner, to the point where it is noticeably difficult to focus on what is important in life. Not in ‘my life’ – in life.

 

So the other point of reacting to a joke of losing her is just an outflow of this point – not wanting to lose my distraction, my escape, my drug that keeps me blind from reality. This is not to say that it is wrong to be with her in some way – actually, it is quite cool and opportunistic to be able to face myself in a relationship – it is that the whole notion of ‘losing her’ is not real because I don’t ‘have her’ in the first place – that is projection of the illusion I am living in where in fact, the ‘idea of a relationship’ has me. The entire experience of escaping reality through positive feelings (or sometimes negative, you can’t have the first without the second) is the ‘relationship’ that has got control over me, the idea/experience that has got control over me – an idea, a figment of the imagination that is not even real, is controlling my entire perception and way that I live! I have written on this point recently about how relationships in themselves are actually just a belief system, a religion – they’re not even real but just a figment of the imagination. We are always alone with ourselves in fact – yet we are all one, here together in our aloneness.

 

And it is this reality that I would like to start living in, the only reality that there is – the physical reality where we are simply here together. The problem is that, as my second reaction showed, I fear giving up the illusion, simply saying ‘no’ to the temptation to focus on another and get distracted and moving on to the next point that requires my attention in actual fact. It sometimes seems so difficult to break away from this habit because I tell myself that my girlfriend is so attractive and that there are so many nice things about her, but I know that within this positively charged viewpoint, I am only seeing what I want to see and not seeing her/life for what it really is in its entirety. Sometimes when a habit is so engrained, it seems impossible to go about life another way. But I have already proven to myself that it is possible. Quitting ‘cold turkey’ is challenging because this tendency/habit/pattern of focusing on my partner is really engrained t the point of being automated. It will be important to be strict and yet patient with myself.

 

I forgive myself tat I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my relationships as a way of escaping my reality and truth of myself, and not having to actually face myself and take self responsibility, through focusing on both the positives or negatives of another person that I’ve actually convinced myself are real, and used their behavior as evidence of this, when in fact what all humans including myself are currently living is not real, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my dual nature of the mind as characters of good and evil onto other people and not having to then face myself and correct my own inner demons that present themselves as characters of good and evil, by judging the same points in other people, playing deceptive games with myself where I am constantly judging and essentially saying ‘look at that person, they are so good!’ or ‘look at that person, they are so bad!’ which is essentially just the same bullshit game – fearing that which I am and diverting myself from the truth of me by focusing on the apparent good and bad of others

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad as pictures and associate these pictures with the ones I like/agree with/am similar to as the good, and the ones I don’t like/agree with/am not similar too as the bad, within this not realizing that these are just characters projections that I have created through association/belief while in fact, all are equal as life

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define/judge my girlfriend as both good and bad characters, and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to thus be attracted to the good characters and repelled by the bad characters, not seeing and realizing that I am playing games with myself that limit me from ever seeing life direct, as equal and one, by not stopping these projections and rather recognize life firstly within myself and thus in others as well

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this energetic relationship I have towards others and my partner, and thus to fear ‘losing the relationship’ or to desire to be ‘more close within the relationship’ for that matter, not realizing that there I am trying to experience myself within these projections of good and bad characters, when the only real interaction and communication that can exist would be through standing here unconditionally as equals and not accepting anything else as mental projections of each other that we only see in our minds perception of the physical

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to touch and have physical sensation/experience of the good character that I have defined my partner/others as, while I have wanted to avoid and escape the bad characters that I have defined or may define others – including my partner – as

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my partner as beautiful and special and treat her as such, as something desire to be experienced and close to, not realizing that this definition is only created within the context of wanting to escape reality/the truth of myself and not actually see life/myself for what it really is and that real closeness/experience of another can only exist when you see another for real/as yourself and without illusions of perception

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the pattern of being distracted/preoccupied by my partner as if I will ‘miss out on something’ and constantly wanting to experience her in some positive way and be distracted by such experiences – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it will be impossible or difficult to break this habit as I have been doing it for so long

 

When and as I see myself playing games with myself where I am judging others/my partner as good or bad – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that I am playing games with myself and fucking with myself by projecting my inner self onto others and through this, creating beliefs about others that are not in fact true, so that I can be deluded and not have to face myself, as the mind is tricky in this way and will use ‘evidence’ that I see in others, which is in fact my own projections of myself, to fool me into believing that what I see and believe and experience on a mental level is real – thus I do not participate in such thoughts/judgments about others as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to identify the moments in which I judge another/react to how I have already defined another as either good or bad, or in the case of a partner in a relationship, as attractive/desirable or undesirable, and to not act on such desires, but rather stop and breathe when I see myself possessed by sch desires in the moment, to remain here as breath as I see, realize and understand that such actions only further engrain these beliefs/projections/desires and thus I will be strict in not participating in these desires as energy, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, within this, prove to myself that I can in fact live real love through standing as equal and one myself and others

 

I commit myself to stop justifying my addictions to my partner of focusing on my partner and looking for positive energetic experiences with my partner with the idea that ‘it is ok because we are in a relationship’ as I see, realize and understand that I am justifying and normalizing addictive behavior that in fact destroys relationships as it drives me to lose control by placing my addiction for positive energy experiences above all life

 

When and as I see myself judging my partner as beautiful and desirable or undesirable/someone I must avoid – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that the judgments of beautiful and desirable are based on programming/past memories of what I believe will apparently satisfy me and make me happy and bring me a positive energy experience with which I can escape myself/not face myself, and that the judgments of undesirable/to be avoided are based on observing behaviors which I only fear because they reflect to me the nature of me, or additionally the fear that I cannot change/direct such a nature within me and thus cannot direct it in another, and thus this too is another way of not having to face myself and stand unconditionally in support of myself and others/my partner as life – thus I do not participate in either of these judgments nor do I act on them, when I see them arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 267: Laziness and energy flow

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Throughout this process, sometimes I feel frustrated because I have worked on a point so much, and applied myself to change on this point – and yet may still fall from time to time. I feel like “I have figured this shit out, I know what it’s all about, I know how it works – why do I still fall? What am I missing here?

I have lived a life where basically I was given no real value or support to develop self expression, and in absence of that I developed a shell of a life, a shell of a ‘me’, a fake me to replace the real me to give myself an experience of having lived or having value. That is not life – that is energy and that is what most people seem to be doing to some degree or another – looking for the next high, the next happy experience of themselves. We are hellbent on this feeling that we perceive to be happiness.

Through this ‘fake me’ I have developed, I have developed all kinds of bad habits where the personality lives itself out to get this higher experience of itself – it is basically just ego. In a way these habits are really just a form of laziness, because it is so easy to just fall back into old habits and never have to act/work to live myself, to take on new experiences and self development – that takes far more work/action. As I remember hearing years ago through Desteni portal interviews: laziness is a drug. I see now the practicality and implications of these words more than ever.

I need to be realistic about the fact that stopping these habits take time and absoluteness. They require an absoluteness in my resolve to stand and stop these habits/patterns – both the bigger patterns and the smaller. The smaller points seem insignificant, like I can just let them ‘slide’ and they will be of no consequence or if there is a consequence it will apparently be minor and I can ‘handle it’.

But the fact is that these points begin what could be called a flow of energy. I saw this word ‘flow’ used in this way recently, to explain the accumulation of energy that is built up when we give into seemingly insignificant moments of weakness and desire, and it is a useful word in that its shows how the momentum of the energy is already moving, and from another blog I recently read it was pointed out to me how something that is moving is hard to stop, the more momentum and force it has. 

Seems obvious doesn’t it? Yet we always miss the obvious. So it is best that I not fool myself when I am playing with the fire of energy as seemingly small/harmless habits, thinking that I can handle it, because these are the points that inevitably lead to a big fuckup.

We tend to believe that we are in charge, that we are the masters of our domain – this is simply not so, but rather that voice in our head that tells us this is ego, stepping forth in place of your actual self to deceive you so that you don’t change and it can keep getting what it wants, like an drunk person believing they are in fine condition to drive. 

And there are so many ways to justify it: “just this one time, just a bit, I can handle it, I am stressed, I need to relax, I’m in a bad mood, this will cheer me up!” But as I have mentioned about my past history, these habits and the desire to give into these habits have been formed purely as a compensation for not having lived – replacing the experience of living a life of self value and self expression with a bundle of addictive behavior habits/patterns that give me an energetic experience which I have come to trust and call happiness.

So, this shit is going to take time, coupled with strictness and consistency in terms of what I will or will not allow. It will take time and consistency to stop the habits and to even first establish the new tools/support systems as consistent and unwavering, until they are natural and automated.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is the fuel of personality and with energy, the personality has a certain flow, and that this energy as personality will flow more when I give it more energy, and that this personality is not in fact me but a demonic entity that exist within me that drives me to the brink of my own possessions/obsessions as fears/beliefs/desires and that to give into even a single thought of desire is to build and accumulate energy which fuels the flow of the mind

 

Thus I commit myself to be strict in not giving into thoughts/moments of desire as I see, recognize and understand that it is only through these small moments that I am able to either damn myself or set myself free, and thus when and as I see thoughts of desire arise – I immediately stop, breathe and let go, to keep breathing if they are persistent until the energy has stopped, and as the energy has dissipated and been diffused through breath I am then able to move me, to express me, to live me a new and see who I am in these new moments of opportunity where I am no longer controlled, influenced and directed by my own weaknesses as thoughts of desire.

Day 265: Depending on others to be happy

 

 

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I have made the mistake recently, yet again, of depending on another for how I was going to feel and experience myself, for what I was going to do. I have done this enough times, actually it is really just lie a way of life, where how I am and who I am is determined by others and the standing of others. We do this constantly as a state of survival, we have yet to mastered the art of ‘being in this world but not of this world’: doing what we’re required to do to survive, but only because we have not lost ourselves within it and simply recognize that to even be ourselves and make a difference, we are going to have to do what is necessary to survive – not to actually take those requirements and go ‘ok this is the way my life should be, this is what matters, this is what is important, this is what life is – all about everyone else and fitting in to survive’.

I have developed these systems to interact with people where I actually become very good at the survival game and getting peoples attention and getting people to like me and shit like that, and for anyone who has ever wanted to be popular because they have never experienced it: it sucks. It kills you on the inside, because you’re fitting in and doing well is all just based on what you think others want to you to be. Then we (I) can further the fuck up by feeling good about ourselves when we get all that recognition and attention for being something we’re not. I mean, the flip side of all this is in a certain perspective I don’t even like people, I want to get as far away from them as possible, so there is this polarization where I love people, for how I feel and who I can be in the cult of personality, and then I hate people because in truth I hate myself for having been dishonest with myself and compromising myself so extensively.

It is like being a celebrity where you lose touch with who you really are to such an extent that you actually trust that feeling you get for being liked by others, and before you know it, this feeling becomes all that matters, and you start throwing a tantrum and acting up when you don’t get it.

I mean if there is one thing I know, it is that the mind LOVES energy, it absolutely feeds off of it. Most of my life, for as long as I can remember, this has been all that life is about, getting this energy, getting high essentially. If anyone reading this knows what I mean by this mental energy, and feels like they’re not getting enough or can get more or there is something that you think if you do it, it will make you happy because it will give you this great experience: stop, don’t go there, you may as well start a heroin habit because that is all one in such a circumstance is looking for in essence: the greatest high. And if you think climbing mount everest is a ‘clean high’, I’ve got to bear the news that your mind can produce lots of strong drugs too that simply use another kind of physical input as stimulus.

When I really get back to myself, what do I enjoy? Practicality. The simplicity of function, the simplicity of self expression. Enjoyment is not something I do, it is who I am. Happiness is not something I make or find or create – it is who I am – and only by accepting myself as something which I am not, can the desire to find happiness be created – the pursuit of happiness is an illusion!

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend on others to make me happy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to copy the ways of the world by expecting others to conform to me in some way to please me, the same way I have made myself conform to what others want by internalizing the belief that others must like me and that making other feel good/feel good about me is all that matters. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe feelings to be real and something that must be participated in and if I do not, I will be rejected by others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy practicality and the simplicity of function, the simplicity of placing myself effectively and doing whatever is necessary to be done in this reality, without bias or expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be a personality to survive, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must react to others to survive and that the quicker I react, the more likely I will survive – when in fact survival is pointless and there is really no point in being on earth unless you are giving as you would like to receive

I commit myself to recognize and live by the law of my being: that who I am is determined by what I accept and allow of myself to be and do both within as thought and without as deed – regardless of others as others have no directive principle in who I am and how I experience myself – thus I hold the key to me in every moment

I commit myself to not do my process from any past starting point of wanting to please others under the guise of ‘helping others’ – recognizing that each one can only help themselves 

I commit myself to stop trying to make something positive out of my interaction with others and always look for a positive outcome that reflects well on me

I commit myself to enjoy the simplicity of breath as me as who I am and to grow and transcend limitations through breath so that there is no mindfuck about it, and to continue this physical (not mental) process of walking as breath in my actions/interactions/work/new endeavors

I commit myself to decide to I am by living the words that I am unconditionally in every moment

Day 221: Living in Survival mode part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world for my life experiences and feeling as though no one cared for me and like I had no opportunity in this world – when in fact I am equally responsible as I copied this behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents, family members, friends, and relationship partners for how I experienced myself with them in the past – not seeing and realizing who I was in the past equally responsible as equal contributor to the negative experiences I had

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to blame as a form of escapism, running from the truth of what I have accepted and allowed in my life and the harm I have caused myself and others, and within this, want and desire to run away from my reality as my past memories which I still carry with me, attempting to run away from myself as my past which I have not yet faced – not realizing that the desire to escape is in fact a form of blame and ignorance of what I have accepted and allowed in my time on earth thus far

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as though I have no value, no opportunity, am not good enough, will never have a good life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is always going to be a struggle because this is how I experienced it/believed it to be in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to give up on myself and escape reality, not realizing that this is based on a past belief where I accepted that life must always be a difficult struggle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at others in my world because of the disillusionment of expecting that others will help me or support me or save me – not realizing that this was based on a belief that this was the way things worked, that I must be helped and saved, within the misunderstanding of how myself and who I was and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that much of my anger towards others is due to my own failings and self dishonesties in life and within that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become, want and desire others to conform to it and serve/abide by/conform to/recognize/validate/give power to who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as that which I believe I am and believe I desire and must be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire for the world to take responsibility for who I am and take care of me/serve me, not realizing that I can only stand for me as me and that this desire may likely have been birthed through the anger of feelings though I did not get the support from others I required at the times I needed it most/or even believed that I required/needed support from others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my environment in terms of conditions such as the things around me, how much I have access too, and how many opportunities I am given in the system – not realizing that I am not required to limit who I am based on my immediate surroundings and my particular situation/allocation/circumstances in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live the full consideration of the fact that I still carry many memories within me from past experiences and the extent to which such experiences as memories as able to influence me as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is unacceptable to trust the mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions because it is the influence that my past as memories is having on me today

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept it as normal that eventually, everything is going to ‘take a turn for the worse’ and become terrible in my life, expecting that everything will fail such as my relationships or finances or jobs – not realizing that this expectation is based on how I had defined life through my past experiences and the massive influence these memories have on me as this expectation – within this expectation, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become pre-emptive and ‘jump the gun’ by ending things/making things go bad/giving up on things/not sticking with things, because I expect it will not last/all go bad anyways, not realizing that such actions are a statement of self sabotage and giving up on myself rather than remaining here, sticking to principles and practical corrective application to direct myself and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to isolate myself/escape/run away/create my own paradise/secret paradise, not realizing/taking into full consideration how tough experiences in the past and who I was within such experiences are what influence me to have this desire, through a belief that the world is bad and no good is ever possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear other and believe that everyone/the world is my enemy and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control, dominate and be spiteful towards others in order to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that no one will ever understand/honor life, based on how I have defined humans in the past and how humans currently exist – not realizing that this fear is based on the acceptance that who we are currently is real, and not as a result of a whole life story of experience and accumulated memories

I commit myself to give up my bias towards others

I commit myself to not rush or give up on this process of self correction and sorting out this reality

I commit myself to work with others as much as possible and to not push others who are not ready out of my own fear that we will never make it, based on the belief that we are eternally fucked

I commit myself to work with myself and others with patience and understanding within the consideration and remembrance that this is a process and that I am not always going to know what to do

I commit myself to stop the tendency to always act and push to get things done immediately, not realizing that this is out of the fear that nothing will ever change, based on how I have defined reality in my own mind based on past experiences

I commit myself to never again run away from my reality out of spite and blame and rather remain here and work with what is here, as equal and one and without fear

I commit myself to move myself and be proactive in taking responsibility for myself and my reality by never again believing/expecting/wanting that others will do it for me

I commit myself to no longer be defined by those who are in my environment and my environment itself through working towards the understanding that all life is me as me as one and equal, and specifically to no longer base who I am and who I will be on factors that apparently indicate what my chances of survival are, apparently

I commit myself to stop the belief/expectation that inevitably, eventually things will always take a turn for the worse because of how I have judged my world/fellow human beings – not realizing that I am able to remain here and trust myself within my reality, no matter where I am situated – within this I commit myself to stop the tendency to want to escape my reality and the tendency to preemptively end relationships or give up on things

I commit myself to stick with things as long as I am able to/as long as it is effective

I commit myself to stop resisting others/my reality and remain here in my reality, interactive with others and to remain as who I am within all situations so that I may be of support/do what is best for all life

When and as I see myself defining my reality as ‘designed to fail’ and expecting it to fail and wanting to ‘fuck it’ or ‘give up on it’ or ‘end things preemptively’ or ‘force it to change instantly’ – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is based on many past experiences where I saw life as fucked and hopeless and constant fight for survival and within this, believed that I must strike first and fuck things up first before anyone else can so that I can be the dominant one/controller apparently – and I do not participate in this pattern of wanting to repeat old behavior of isolating myself, giving up, and resisting the world/reality/applying myself/taking self responsibility

Day 209: Commodifying life

https://i2.wp.com/www.nature.com/embor/journal/v13/n1/images/embor2011232i1.jpg

In the game that we have made out of life we have turned everything into commodities from which we can benefit somehow, either directly or indirectly. We commodify everything from nature, to animals, to objects that we create and produce, to other people, to even ideas. This has become a way of life on earth, a way to survive as the current context of the our life experience on earth and how the economy functions is that of survival. I mean there are really only 2 days to live: the first being our current way that we live where we are obsessed with ourselves and our own self interest, always operating in a way that will ensure only our survival, success and benefit – or the new way which is what the Equal Life Foundation is proposing, which is to live in a way that is best for all life, which obviously would include self, but not putting self above others as the primary point or having some form of higher priority.

In my family, I was taught by all those who came before me that ‘love is everything’ and that relationships in the family were of the utmost importance – all this despite how actually fucked up and dysfunctional my family has always been. My grandfather was known for being a brutally abusive alcoholic and my grandmother turned a blind eye and could not find it within herself to stand up to any of the abuse that went on in the family. In fact the relationship between the grandparents became so abusive that it was some of their children who took it upon themselves to stand up for my grandmother and remove her from the abusive relationship, with my grandfather angrily chasing them from behind in his car.

Now they key point in my grandmother who allowed so much abuse was love. She was obsessed with love. She was a being of pure love and light bliss. She was all hugs and kisses and nice words and always giving out delicious food and candy. It was always a big love in, interacting with her, as I remember as a child she would become so consumed by her excitement and feelings of love when we would visit her. Except that one time she washed my mouth out with soap when I was a toddler for swearing – fuck that was an awful experience lol.

The energetic experience of love was her drug and her escape from this reality, along with all the things that she loved like food and her family which brought her these feelings. She wasn’t much one for standing up when it mattered most, facing the darkness when courage was needed. I remember one moment in particular where one of my aunts was sobbing in tears while we were visiting my grandmother and my mother becoming so angry at my grandmother because while this was going on, my grandmother was just as lost and consumed in her experience of love and bliss as ever, completely disregarding and not even noticing what my aunt had been going through at the moment, just a few feet away from her sitting on another couch.

So to establish this point loud and clear – the love that was taught and lived in my family was rather a form of escapism and self interest to be able to turn a blind eye and not have to take responsibility and face one’s reality. Love is a really powerful drug, as anyone who studies the effects of ‘love’ in our world can quickly see, it is responsible for amazing things and some of the most brutal atrocities ever perpetrated and allowed. Wasn’t it that Van Gogh artist guy who cut off his ear for love? I think that was his name. Crazy shit.

So anyways, this love as it was understood and lived was passed on down to new generations – albeit unwittingly – down to my mother and her siblings and then down to me and my sister.

As a child it made me extremely weak and dependent, to the point where I became ashamed of my relationship with my mother because it really represented this weakness as this lovey-dovey ‘I need you and you need me’ bullshit kind of relationship. I saw from an early age how weak it made me and I was ashamed of this, especially in world where the reality is that you have got to have a thick skin, independence and personal resolve in order to have any kind of life worth living.

Not only this, but I saw at a young age that this love was bullshit, as there were some traumatic events that exposed the truth of all this love shit: that it wasn’t true, that my mother was not in fact this ‘being of love’ that she had presented herself to be. So from a young age I was extremely weary of it all. And yet eventually in my teens this weakness continued to develop itself without me necessarily being aware of it because while I had associated this point with my mother and lost faith in her, I still went on looking for the same point in other people, to experience the drug of love in relationships with other people.

This post is particularly about how we commodify the people in our lives in order to get this experience of love as a drug as self interest which I’m talking about – it is a total addiction. We are addicted to our commodities, we are addicted to the stuff we possess (or believe we do). We are constantly using each other in some way or another and in the case of relationships it is often to get the experience of ‘love’ as the drug we have become so addicted to.

Within this, we will also look for those who will produce the strongest experience of love, those whose love will be ‘more potent’ as a drug, because of the status they hold. It’s just the same way that someone feels good if they have a nice new car, but they will feel even better if they have a nice new and really expensive luxury car. We will, based on how society gives more value to some people based on their looks, their status, their financial standing, their possessions, their skills, want and desire those who have a higher value in the eyes of society based on how we as a society give value to human beings, as commodification. I mean the experience of ‘love’ that one gets from a rich, good looking person with a high level job and skill set, is going to be much better from the experience of love you’ll get from an uneducated homeless person. Some might say ‘but I don’t want that rich person, I’m happier with what I have’ – that is only a matter of circumstance because the reality is that you can’t have the best one and therefore you have to settle and you have to protect the fact that you settled as if it is your will because otherwise it will expose you limitation and your value in societies eyes because you’re not able to get the more highly valued and therefore attractive partner. I mean it is like saying “I wouldn’t want to be the richest person in the world” – of course you would! But you can’t so you have to settle and make it look like you wanted it that way because that protects your value and the reality of your value as it was given to you by your society as ‘not being the best’.

The truth is that everyone can be the best. But as long as we are busy commodifying ourselves and the world around us in an attempt to make us ‘more special’, then we will not allow ourselves to become the best we can be because we are living from a starting point of inferiority and wanting to compensate for that through possessions we acquire and monuments we build to ourselves. I have never had a family to call my own (lol) but I can certainly understand the point of ego that a parent or a grandparent can have and the experience that their possessions as commodities as their children/family members give them. I can relate to it from the relationship point of being a ‘boyfriend’, where I have commodified my partners and can take some kind of pride in saying ‘look at me, I have this girlfriend, she is mine, and she is a great one too!’ No different from someone showing off their shiny new sports car. Are we so depraved that we will allow this to exist? Or will be allow ourselves to stop commodifying the world around us as something that is ‘more than’ and live as equals to the world around us? I mean have a look even if you have all this wonderful stuff, you are actually making the statement that ‘I am less than this stuff’ because after all your greatness is dependent on having all that stuff – no high paying job, no bank account full of money, no amazing skills, no girlfriend, no family, no cars, no stuff – and suddenly the human lives as if it has no value as society has defined it – obviously observable in for instance homeless people in the world who are socially neglected, demonized and given no value, worth or unconditional support.

The fact is that this way of living will never satisfy, no matter how much we accumulate, no matter how great our families are, no matter how beautiful or special our relationship partner is, no matter how beautiful our homes are, now matter how great our jobs and status are, etc. it is the opposite of satisfying it is bolstering this lack of self recognition that exist within us that was our starting point all along.

So, pertaining to my own relationships, this point has to be lived, as if I fear to ‘lose my relationship’, then I can know one thing: it was never real in the first place as it was just a commodity, I mean that’s why the idea even exist in the first place that you have it and therefore you could lose it. What a crazy idea, as if we have some kind of magical ownership over the things around us in our environment. Ownership really is a state of mental delusion, not real. Through this belief we enslave the world around us, we enslave the animals, we enslave other humans, we enslave ourselves to our idea of dependency on things to satisfy and validate our egos. I don’t want anyone to be my slave anymore, because I don’t want to be a slave.

Day 191: Insulating myself from my fears and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to escape onto the ‘highroad’ of being one of the ‘successful’ people on earth wherein I am insulated from the fear of survival/threat of not surviving by having a stable/’normal’ home and job and that I have used these circumstances and things around me to get a sense/feeling/experience of comfort/safety/security, not realizing that this feeling/experience actually comes in contrast to the fear of surviving and that I can only have this feeling/experience and want/desire this feeling experience if I am still allowing the fear of survival within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the comforts of having a privileged life and a comfortable experience to separate myself from the reality of the experience that many millions of people are having on earth; a miserable experience where life is a strife and all about survival, living in absolute fear and despair – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to escape this reality through privilege, not realizing that the excitement of the experience I get from being privileged and is worthless and not real if it is only me experiencing it and not everyone

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to remain within a survival mindset wherein making a living and ‘how good of a living can I make for myself’ becomes the only thing that matters and the standard from which I base all of my decisions – not realizing that my survival and comfort is merely a means to an end and only one mouth fed out of many who are not fed – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my living conditions, standards and history of ‘how successful am I’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the same, constantly and consistently, not dependant on my conditions/terms of living in terms of what I have or do not have and what societal standard I am living within

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my process and within the moment of being overwhelmed, finding ways to escape myself through doing the easy thing, which often tends to be entertaining or preoccupying myself with things that are not important

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in any given moment I have 2 choices – the first is to continue to do the easy thing which is to ignore what is here and preoccupy/distract myself with entertainment or physical pleasures/comforts, because by doing the easy thing nothing is changing, I am wasting my time, diminishing and squandering my opportunity live change in this world – the second choice is to challenge myself in every moment to do that which is necessary to be done as that which is pertinent here and if that point is not clear, then to stand here and breathe and have a look at myself/my world as what is here and from this, then see how I must move/place myself – and that this second choice is ‘the hard way’ because it is going to come with the challenge of the fear of loss, fearing losing a feeling or experience that I have grown addicted to and within this I must stand here as the breath – proving to myself that I am self sufficient and am all that is required to exist here and move myself – no longer allowing myself to be moved/controlled by feelings/emotions as energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to go ‘above and beyond’ the call of duty and compensate for not doing what is necessary to do here and not giving attention to what is necessary to be done here as that which I must do/face in self honesty, through instead focusing my attention on other matters which seems noble and important and can be regarded as ‘good deeds’ according to our current accepted and allowed system morality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my personal success within the system to give myself and others the experience and impression that ‘everything is ok and fine’ when it in fact is not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to use ‘free moments of time’ where there are no tasks to attend to, to educate myself and enjoy myself and exploring my world through education

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on personal fears that are based in circumstances of personal wealth in relation to survival, and use these fears to justify not living in a way that is best for all life, rather than making decisions based on that which would be best for all life equally, based on principles that is best for all, lived in integrity

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the security blanket of feelings that I have isolated myself in from the world as a way of perceiving that I am escaping the reality of my situation and circumstances in the world – not realizing that it is does not make sense to fear giving up an illusion as giving up the illusion is my only opportunity to make my life and the life of others that which is best for myself and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat doing that which must be done to support myself/life as some kind of chore/task, within the fear of giving up my security blanket of feelings/energy and within this, to make doing what is necessary to be done seem so difficult and un-enjoyable as if there were something better, and then to tend to want to rush/race through such tasks wanting to ‘get them done’ so that I can ‘get back to that which is apparently more enjoyable to do’ – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is nothing ‘more’ enjoyable to live here as breath as that which I am

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that words are alive as the words that I am living as my programming as my thoughts/backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to specify every action within my process to ensure that it is absolutely what is best in terms of working with what is here and relevant, rather than simply busying myself and giving myself the feeling that I am apparently doing something good

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be diligent and direct in applying myself within my process unless there is an absolutely valid reason in self honesty as to why I am not at the moment able to apply myself in my process – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat applying myself in process as only being defined by participating in certain tasks when in fact applying myself in process is an entire way of life wherein I decide in every moment to act on principles which are best for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insulate myself from my fears through the experience/feeling/illusion of success and wealth

When and as I see myself in moments wherein I have 2 decisions to make and I am wanting/desiring/inclined to make the ‘easy’ decision of going into entertainment – I stop, I breathe, I embrace myself here within and as breath and embrace/accept the lack of feelings/energy that is not being fed and thus I accept myself here living as the physical, without dependency on energy to ‘feel like everything is ok’

When and as I see myself wanting to do good deeds – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire is a form of compensating for where I have not taken responsibility for myself – and I do not participate in this desire but rather look for how I can find and address that which I am not giving my full attention to where it is needed