Tag Archives: who am I

Day 267: Laziness and energy flow


Throughout this process, sometimes I feel frustrated because I have worked on a point so much, and applied myself to change on this point – and yet may still fall from time to time. I feel like “I have figured this shit out, I know what it’s all about, I know how it works – why do I still fall? What am I missing here?

I have lived a life where basically I was given no real value or support to develop self expression, and in absence of that I developed a shell of a life, a shell of a ‘me’, a fake me to replace the real me to give myself an experience of having lived or having value. That is not life – that is energy and that is what most people seem to be doing to some degree or another – looking for the next high, the next happy experience of themselves. We are hellbent on this feeling that we perceive to be happiness.

Through this ‘fake me’ I have developed, I have developed all kinds of bad habits where the personality lives itself out to get this higher experience of itself – it is basically just ego. In a way these habits are really just a form of laziness, because it is so easy to just fall back into old habits and never have to act/work to live myself, to take on new experiences and self development – that takes far more work/action. As I remember hearing years ago through Desteni portal interviews: laziness is a drug. I see now the practicality and implications of these words more than ever.

I need to be realistic about the fact that stopping these habits take time and absoluteness. They require an absoluteness in my resolve to stand and stop these habits/patterns – both the bigger patterns and the smaller. The smaller points seem insignificant, like I can just let them ‘slide’ and they will be of no consequence or if there is a consequence it will apparently be minor and I can ‘handle it’.

But the fact is that these points begin what could be called a flow of energy. I saw this word ‘flow’ used in this way recently, to explain the accumulation of energy that is built up when we give into seemingly insignificant moments of weakness and desire, and it is a useful word in that its shows how the momentum of the energy is already moving, and from another blog I recently read it was pointed out to me how something that is moving is hard to stop, the more momentum and force it has. 

Seems obvious doesn’t it? Yet we always miss the obvious. So it is best that I not fool myself when I am playing with the fire of energy as seemingly small/harmless habits, thinking that I can handle it, because these are the points that inevitably lead to a big fuckup.

We tend to believe that we are in charge, that we are the masters of our domain – this is simply not so, but rather that voice in our head that tells us this is ego, stepping forth in place of your actual self to deceive you so that you don’t change and it can keep getting what it wants, like an drunk person believing they are in fine condition to drive. 

And there are so many ways to justify it: “just this one time, just a bit, I can handle it, I am stressed, I need to relax, I’m in a bad mood, this will cheer me up!” But as I have mentioned about my past history, these habits and the desire to give into these habits have been formed purely as a compensation for not having lived – replacing the experience of living a life of self value and self expression with a bundle of addictive behavior habits/patterns that give me an energetic experience which I have come to trust and call happiness.

So, this shit is going to take time, coupled with strictness and consistency in terms of what I will or will not allow. It will take time and consistency to stop the habits and to even first establish the new tools/support systems as consistent and unwavering, until they are natural and automated.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is the fuel of personality and with energy, the personality has a certain flow, and that this energy as personality will flow more when I give it more energy, and that this personality is not in fact me but a demonic entity that exist within me that drives me to the brink of my own possessions/obsessions as fears/beliefs/desires and that to give into even a single thought of desire is to build and accumulate energy which fuels the flow of the mind


Thus I commit myself to be strict in not giving into thoughts/moments of desire as I see, recognize and understand that it is only through these small moments that I am able to either damn myself or set myself free, and thus when and as I see thoughts of desire arise – I immediately stop, breathe and let go, to keep breathing if they are persistent until the energy has stopped, and as the energy has dissipated and been diffused through breath I am then able to move me, to express me, to live me a new and see who I am in these new moments of opportunity where I am no longer controlled, influenced and directed by my own weaknesses as thoughts of desire.


Day 264: The desire for love makes us weak


I have heard it is said that people who are not touched and cuddled and given affection when they are infants will develop into some form of sociopath, cold and indifferent to human life.

In terms of how we define ‘caring’ and being ‘warm’ this is true: people who are not taught how to show affection and care in this particular way, will not do so. Does this mean they do not care for or harbor ill will towards their fellow man? Or does it just mean that they will not reproduce the same norms to show affection (and the keyword there is show) like nice touching, smiling, using pleasant tones of voice?

Because for all of the love and affection that goes around this way, for all of the people that show love and affection in this way to their neighbors and people in their immediate environment who can visibly see it: the world is still a mess. In fact while they are busy showing that love, the world continues to plummet into its plight without anyone coming up with a practical solution to stop it.

What would a practical solution involve? More hugs and kisses? More kind words and pleasant tonalities? Or is the last thing the world needs is this kind of love? Doesn’t the world rather require practical solutions for all the deception and evil that exist and has become systematized and scripted as our societal/legal/economic conventions?

Wouldn’t it actually be sociopathic to just focus on this kind of love/affection while ignoring these realities of our world and what may actually be necessary to be done to sort it out? I mean, given the state that the world is in, and the definition of a sociopath hinging on a clear apathy and indifference to the suffering of others, wouldn’t a sociopath then be anyone who is not taking practical steps to correct the systems in this world that are so destructive towards life?

Furthermore, if we are not doing this, but rather operating under beliefs about how this world works and that more ‘love’ as affection (as how we have defined it) is the answer, we are not only not making a difference, we are further helping this world along into it’s plight by feeding some belief that we have depended on to justify why we do not actually take real responsibility for our world. The false solution, for many of us, becomes a bubble and hiding place from which real love and caring can never be discovered.

That’s the place that I have found myself stuck in and I am virtually having to write a book to see how I have become stuck in this place, where I am starting to see that I was put in this place at a very early age when all kind of people around be were finding all kinds of ways to stimulate me into having this feeling/experience of love, this positive energetic experience, that becomes so addictive that by adulthood a person will be a total slave to their desire to get this feeling back and experience it again and will design their entire life around getting this experience, in whatever form – through friends, stuff, food, drugs, activities – whatever floats your boats and makes you feel warm and fuzzy.

I have seen in my own life how the desire for this feeling/energetic experience of love basically makes us evil. Nevermind the indirect harm done through focusing on attaining this experience: look at the lengths human beings will go to fulfill their obsessions – it is on this basis that an unimaginable amount of harm has been done in this world. The desire for love makes us weak. How the hell can I ever be of assistance and support to another when I have not even transcended by own personal desires/dependencies for recognition and attention? How can I understand others and how this world works sufficiently to make a difference if I can not even understand where my own problems, desires and limitations come from? It is a crippling addiction, to say the least.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the desire to be stimulated into a positive mental experience to control me and to have abdicated my responsibility towards myself and life, to actually live for real in the real world within a real awareness/practical understanding of how it works

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire for love and affection is a weakness that has been developed since a young age of experiences where I was stimulated into this feeling by adults and I accepted this stimulation and to believe it is real, that it is who I am and that this is what life is – and that I have not allowed myself to realize that to stop this addiction is going to take a lengthy process of not feeding the mind with positive energy stimulation and to investigate and understand when a desire for positive energy stimulate is persistent

I commit myself to no longer put my desire for love as how I have defined it as a positive stimulation experience above who I am, who I will be and what I will do in this world, I commit myself to stop lacing this desire above life and allowing this desire to control me

Day 172: Your thoughts determine who you are

Through the Desteni I Process, I have found a unique opportunity, which is to begin writing out my backchat on a daily basis – that means all of my thoughts from the various personalities/characters that exist within and as my mind.

I noticed a fascinating thing about this today, which is the degree to which we take for granted the thoughts we are having, and the degree to which these thoughts are then having an influence over our lives in every way. Imagine, how many thoughts do you have every day? Many. Out of that very large number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take notice of? Very few. Out of that small number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take the time to jot down on a piece of paper or on your computer, to be able to self reflect? Of those thoughts you have jotted down to be able to self reflect, how many do you then deconstruct, to see how they were formed and how they function in specific detail? It is really staggering how much we take for granted, and it is no wonder that we often perceive a simple skill like predicting the future as some mystical magical ability.

So I today I began a ‘backchat diary’ – taking notes of all the thoughts that I can, throughout my day as they come up (a pocket sized not book is useful for this). Another cool point here is that within doing this, you really get to know yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt, in a way that is undeniable, because no matter how you would like to think of yourself, your thoughts will always tell the real story and often a very different story from the self image that we have of ourselves where we tend to only see what we want to.

Taking responsibility for the thoughts we have is really a simple point of self honesty and taking self responsibility for who we are and what we have become, the influence of which we are seeing in our world today, as the complete disaster that it has become. In doing this, one will really get to know themselves and find things, that once reflected upon from a starting point of integrity/equality – is really nasty, unacceptable stuff when contrasted by the people we would like to be and the world we would like to create. Furthermore, as it has been pointed out to me before, we simply do not understand the mechanics of where a thought comes from: where it originated, what purpose it serves, the process it goes through as we think and continue to think and live-out our lives under the influence of these thoughts, becoming characters defined by thoughts whose origin we are not even aware of. Wouldn’t you like to know who you are? Why you are? Why you think the way you do? Why you do the things you do? Why the emotions and feelings that are generated from our constant and continuous thinking feel so real and are so over bearing and consuming all the time?

So, when I say this is a simple point of self honesty and self responsibility, that carries within it no systematic morality connotation of ‘being a good person’ in an altruistic sense – it is simple self honesty where you realize “oh my God, there are these voices in my head that are literally controlling me and determining who I am – and I don’t have a grip on it or even the slightest idea how it all works”. Within this point of self honesty, also exists the basic point of having some self respect.