Tag Archives: positive

Day 301: Relationships as God, Religion and Savior

 

In my dream last night, I was with another, I’m pretty sure it was a woman in a car, although my recollection of that is vague, and basically I was getting pissed off because I was looking for water and I just didn’t have time/patience for BS, for asking questions or whatever it was that just didn’t seem so important cause it felt like I was dying of thirst. In reality my body was actually very dehydrated and I ended up drinking a bunch of water as soon as I woke up. This whole experience is fascinatingly symbolic. Is the vehicle my relationship? Am I in it with my girlfriend who is the woman? Is my not having patience tolerance indicative of my disinterest in her ideology? Is the thirst for water my thirst for life and the dire situation life is in, in need of attention and support? Is my waking up and finally drinking water in physical reality indicative of the necessity to wake up from/break out of illusions of the mind so that I can realize/actualize my understanding, priorities and ambitions?

 

With a little more insight into this dream – I keep interpreting that which I am coming to understand as ‘fight or flight’ – like I have to make a major decision that ‘we cannot be together’ but that is silly – I’m apprehensive to say this because it is like I fear that I am just convincing myself of that because I want to hold onto the relationship, I want to stay in hope – that could be so – but what about changing myself within it? This is the key and I am aware that my tendency to want to part with others has limited me from being able to work with others and within this, work on myself and learn. I keep wanting to make rash decisions, and yet I fear that what I am living now is a rash decision, as the intense desire to want to make things good, to make things ‘work out’. The mind is always taking me from one polarity to the other and the fact is that the truth is in the middle – we are both just beings, just here on earth, stuck in our own shit. The challenge is to be of support even when I am not getting what I want, when I am not being positively stimulated, and to also not go looking for it. The challenge is to support only where possible and step back otherwise – the challenge is to not try and help just because I want some kind of specific outcome for myself because I fear loss/some negative experience. This is the case with any human being and is a learning curve I really have to go through – live and let live – let them be – do my work and step back – without fear of loss. This dream does not necessarily symbolize my relationship with my partner – the same essential points can be seen in all relationships. This is where I see the value in walking with another.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire and attempt to try and control my relationship/partner – which includes that which I see as ‘positive’ attempts to make the relationship better/alive/strong through stimulating myself and my partner positively within the context of trying to have a successful relationship – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ‘live and let live’, and keep interaction practical, here, in the moment and without fear of loss as my starting point – I commit myself to ‘live an let live’, meaning that I commit myself to stop trying to stimulate the relationship positively and move the relationship within positivity as I see that this is based in fear of loss and not practical, but rather just based on the idea of love which is only a belief created and utilized within the fear of loss

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire/tendency to want to make a rash decision that ‘we can’t be together’ or ‘it won’t work’ is actually based on an experience of disappointment and disillusionment where I am brought back to reality through traumatic events which contrast the desire and hope I have created within making ‘big plans’ and creating ‘big ideas’ about me and my partner and our future – thus I commit myself to stop the tendency to ‘get ahead of myself’ and try to create and design an ‘ideal future’ for me and my partner as I see, realize and understand that this is done in fear of loss and not practical, and instead I commit myself to walk a physical process of establishing self trust and trust with another where I no longer allow fear/reactions to direct me/my relationship but rather work in self honesty and understanding, here as breath

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to even believe in relationships – to believe that they exist, that they are real, as I was conditioned to believe in the idea/ideal of a relationship as the love/romantic relationship with a ‘special someone’ – and to within this, play games within myself where I judge myself/my partner within this paradigm/belief of a relationship, where, if it fits the image/belief/ideal, I get a positive feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a positive energetic experience, and if it is not fitting the image/belief/ideal, I get a negative feeling/thoughts/outlook which is just a negative energetic experience – not realizing that none of this is real, it is just based on the belief/ideal of a relationship that was designed in fear of loss during a time in my life where I felt I could never trust human beings and that if I did not find some kind of form of security, I would lose/die/have a negative experience – thus I commit myself to see, realize and understand that a relationship is just a belief, an energetic body/entity that is created within the fear of loss/fear of others, and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, we are just two beings, two earthlings who are here, finding ourselves in the mess we have put ourselves in where we are our own worst enemies and thus do not require saviors, such as in the form of a relationship/partner/positive energetic experience of another, but instead require real practical support and solutions here as equals so that we may assist and support each other for real, establishing self honesty and self trust and thus honest and trust within our interaction, as I see, realize and understand that this goes far beyond what the illusion/fantasy of a relationship could ever be

 

It is fascinating how relationships function just like a religion, a god, a savior – as they depend on our belief and subscription/participation in order to exist.

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Day 298: Removing energetic attachments to process

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Currently I am on holiday and am getting a bit of a break from all the stimulation of being engaged in the matrix – work, school, friends, family etc. – so I am able to just come to my computer and write out points as they come up. On three separate occasions I ended up writing about the same essential point, which is process itself (my process of self change through self forgiveness and self corrective application).

 

The first writing was with regards to the positive/negative relationship that I have developed with process, where I allow my process to be limited and controlled by energetic charges, still trying to get some form of stimulation within my process and justify the stimulation as being necessary and real through the belief that this is how I must move myself, that there can only be self/movement as progress in my process if it is energy based:

 

on the ‘negative side’: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be intense in order to affect change, meaning that I must use some kind of energy such as anger or vengefulness or contempt as my motivation for affecting change, not realizing that within such a starting point I am only existing as energy and thus change is not real but rather just another way to get energy and live/experience myself as a high, as the mind is so insidious and tricky that it will justify this kind of behavior as rational and good because apparently it makes some kind of change happen, when this is not in fact so

 

on the positive side: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘be in a good place’ mentally where I feel good and satisfied before I can work on myself/my process/affect any kind of change, or that things must be perfect in my life or everything has to ‘be right’ or that I must have certain wants/demands met before I allow myself to work on myself and affect any real change, believing that I need or require to be stimulated into some kind of positive experience as the experience of positive energy to be able to move myself, as this is just another way for the mind to justify getting what it wants under the guise of ‘doing something good/positive’

 

I commit myself to not move myself in my process according to energy as positive/negative feelings and to no longer depend on energy for self movement, but rather to breathe through energy and not act on it, even if it is presenting itself/justifying itself as being ‘for the better’/’for change’, I do not follow such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply breathe through the energy

 

the second entry:

 

process doesn’t ‘feel good’ for the mind because in essence you are constantly correcting and disproving the mind, and the mind as ego doesn’t like to be wrong – what is then experienced as being ‘hurt’ and ‘unpleasant’ is actually allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as the point is then opened up once the illusions of my mind are shattered, which is experienced as this perception of ‘feeling hurt’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in process by existing within/as the desire for positive energy wherein I place the condition on my living/application that process must ‘feel good’ as an energetic experience, within the belief that good feelings are what is important in life and that process as self improvement/change should somehow be a positive feeling experience – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make this association and within it, stop myself when facing points that I experience as ‘difficult’ or ‘being hurt’, especially in contrast to this belief, and within this not realizing that the bad feelings, which are essentially just a form of fearing change/tricking myself into not changing, is not real and just another trick of the mind experienced as ‘feeling hurt’/’feeling wronged’ by another, and I no longer allow myself to use this justification as self sabotage/self limitation as I see, realize and understand that this energy is not real but just the mind not wanting to accept the truth and lose illusions, unwilling to accept this experience of ‘being hurt’ and unwilling to support myself to breathe through this experience and keep moving

 

I commit myself to, in the moment that I am experiencing negative energy as the experience of being ‘hurt’ by others/’having my feelings hurt’, to stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is a trick of the mind as ego to stop self from moving forward through the justification that I don’t want to have negative experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to breathe through such experiences as they are not real, and just the mind fearing to lose itself/lose illusions – and thus when I experience this, I stop the fear through breath and keep moving in humbleness and humility

 

third entry:

 

feeling ‘stumped’ investigating words: I was not able to tell whether or not the word ‘process’ carried a positive energetic charge – but when I ‘talk it out’, it is like ‘of course it is good, how could process ever not be good?’ and then I realized ‘well, it is difficult as hell sometimes and not experienced as good!’ – so already I am seeing here how the word can easily get polarized – I also see how in looking at how I view this word, I was actually just trying to view it again, rather than looking at my actual experience of it, meaning: how am I living this word? How am I experiencing it n real time? And this is where reality sets in: I experience process as all kinds of things – specifically, I experience it positively as an idea in the mind, because process is like, awesome, right? lol. And then in reality I experience it as difficult and arduous. So the arithmetic here is quite simple. I am creating the negative experience in reality through the positive experience/definition that I have created within/as the mind – process requires no positive connotation/energetic charge, because after all, process is just common sense. It is who I am and the process of self discovery wherein I remove the layers of systems that limit me and see who I really am – and thus process can in reality carry no positive connotation because it is simply who I am – and thus if I am to live process for real, no connotations/positive energetic charges may be allowed to exist

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have given process/applying myself in process a positive energetic charge/connotation as I see, realize and understand that my process is an expression of who I really am and simple, obvious common sense as the necessity to express myself as who I really am

 

Thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe where and when I see myself defining/believing/judging process to be a ‘good thing’/positive thing as if it were some kind of tool/commodity for the mind/ego, as I see, realize and understand the common sense of process and that if I continue doing it from a starting point of believing that it is good/positive, I am in fact making process more difficult to effect in my reality because I believe it will be fun (as the mind experience fun as energy) when in fact it is just straightforward physical work/application and carries no energetic charge, and thus I am simply setting myself up for disappointment as this experience will feel negative in contrast to the positive experience that I created in the mind which I then believe/expect process to be – I stop all judgments of process as they arise as my thoughts

Day 287: Positive Illusions and the desire to control

Recently stress has been occurring in my life due to my attempts to control things that are simply out of my control. I have been attempting to control things from the starting point of believing that “this thing is a good thing, and thus I must hold onto it, I must maintain and sustain it”. It is really only due to this belief that I have struggled and become so stressed because if I were to let go of this belief, I would not simply fear losing the point but rather consider who I am without it and who I will decide to be without .

By believing that this point is ‘good’ from a starting point of believing that I need it or that I will be worse-off without out it or I am missing something. So much needless stress and anxiety could have been averted if I had simply questioned my belief.

I know I am being vague and not specific about what exactly this particular point is, but it is interesting because now that I see the principle of what I am describing through being general/vague, I can see how it applies to so much in my life, so many others points, and also applicable to so many other people in this world. It is the one thing that keeps us from really changing for the better: the belief that what we already have is positive. We hold onto positive illusions and fear the negativity of reality, when in fact the only positivity that can ever exist, exists within letting go of all illusions, no matter how seemingly positive, and simply remaining here in physical reality so that we can direct it in a way that is best for all life.

Now what remains for me is only the fear of others judging and misunderstanding me for letting go of/disengaging in what is believed to be positive. But if I fear this point, if I react to this point, it is only showing that I too still fear letting go of this point and have doubt/uncertainty about it. If I am ever to expect others to come to the same understanding or to be able to support others in any way to break free of their own positive illusions, I have to be absolute in my standing, I can not allow myself to fear or react when others judge or misunderstand. Even if I go into the other extreme/polarity of fighting with others or trying to prove something to others, I am in fact tacitly still supporting these positive illusions by fearing losing them or still believing that they are so real that I fear their might and power over me through their power and might over others – when others are really just under positive illusions, nothing more, no matter how real they make it seem.

Thus the point is to remain honest with self in every breath, to not react or fear but rather trust self through self honesty, and simply explain or clarify to those who misunderstand/judge if necessary or even possible – in many cases I will need to be ready to have others simply judge, misunderstand, get nasty even – and still just remain here within and as breath, trusting myself, being honest with myself, and within this, establishing myself and what is really real in this reality as my self directive principle – I trust myself to remain here in self honest common sense and do not allow myself to be influenced by the grip of fear from the positive illusions I have created which only serve to enslave me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of that which I believe is positive, or to try to fight to let go of it or somehow prove that it is not positive – when in fact all that is necessary is to remain here within and as breath and direct myself to not give into fear/desire. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require a point that I have defined as positive/good that exist outside/separate from myself in order to live and thus fearing that if I lose this point, I will somehow be worse off or damned.

I commit myself to no longer stand by that which I have come to believe is positive, and when the tendency/urge arise to act on this belief as actions that are designed to sustain and maintain these positive illusions that I have created – I stop, I breathe, I remain here as breath and I do not allow myself to succumb to fear as self doubt, but rather trust myself through sticking to breath and giving myself the credit and self support that I do not require points of positivity that exist separate from me in order to live and have a fulfilled, dignified life – thus I do not give into this fear as desire to hold onto, defend or fight for illusions, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I embrace myself here in self trust as breath.

Day 282: Why do things turn sour when I desire to have a good relationship?

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After doing some ranting and raving today – giving myself the time and patience to just write out what I am experiencing emotionally, what my fears, worries and concerns are – I began to see even more into this point of being a people-pleaser and the belief that if I give others what they want and stimulate them into a positive experience of themselves, they will view me well and thus I will be rewarded. So, this is clearly beginning to look like a big point for me, the desire to be someone special in the eyes of others.

Recently I had an experience where essentially a person became angry with me for no real reason other than their own frustration – it was one of those times, you know, you have probably experienced it before, where someone just flips out on you and you totally did not see it coming as it was undeserving. As a result of this person becoming angry, they have decided to try and extort me as this person holds some material assets of mine as the person had offered to me to hold onto these things for free. I accepted, perhaps unwittingly. The person then began asking me if they could have some of the items, and I said I was unable to give it to them, not thinking anything of it – and this was the point where the person snapped, as if I had wronged her. All of this came as a surprise as the person is actually considerably affluent compared to myself. If I knew it was that big of a deal, I would have given the stuff – but not having very much money at all at this point in time did not incline me to say ‘yes’. The person is now trying to extort me through telling me that if I want my things, I must pay them rent. None of this is justified in any way – not even according to a system that is already grossly unfair – but as I’m finding out lately, there exist people who will simply only ever attempt to take advantage of others and they most often come with a smile on their face.

Anyways, not sure if all those details matter, but this experience bothered me. I tried to tell myself things, like I did not care about the stuff, to be able to let go of the experience of emotions and feeling and thoughts that I was going through, but it persisted and here I am writing about it today. What I found through ranting and raving about the point was that the essence of what made me react was the experience of another becoming angry at me and losing something as a result of this. So, the same way I have associated being perceived positively by others with having success and gains in life, I have associated being perceived negatively by others with loss and possibly ‘losing out’ and having a more difficult life because of my loss. Why have I never allowed myself to live in a way where others can simply recognize who I am for who I really am? Why has the recognition of who I am never been real, simple, direct? I mean there is a vast difference between something thinking your great, versus simply recognizing a point – which should have no added energetic perceptual value of ‘this person is great’ or ‘this person sucks’.

Because I have never recognized myself as who I really am as a physical being, I have identified with the mental projection which is thus what I influence and encourage others to only recognize me as. This is the only background I am able to account for that explains why this experience with this person happened: I made the kind of impression that would have this person like me because they realized that I was the kind of person they could expect to please them – and perhaps even take advantage of – and all of a sudden when I can no longer be taken advantage of, the person goes into the opposite polarity mental experience.

I’ve utilized personality characters that I specifically designed to make a positive impression on people and get attention and become a popular person – however this system is one that is not sustainable as it is not real and always inevitably moves to the opposite polarity as I have demonstrated above. It is also the same reason why my relationship life has been a revolving door and I have met people who do the same as I – and we just end up trying to please each other so we can get something, eventually and inevitably ending up resentful towards each other when it no longer works. This tendency to stimulate others is really habitual, and comes up as like a form of fear of others/anxiety, so I am going to have to stop the fear of not doing this and no longer bully myself into submitting myself to what I believe others want me to be, of fearing how others might react to me for just being me, just being here – that fear is rather the fear of how I am currently existing because deep down I know that if I am existing this way, then eventually people are going to react negatively to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the engrained habit of reacting to others out of fear of others as the belief that I must be something/someone that I am not in order to be liked by others and thus survive, is actually a sure path to having others not liking me and threatening my life because it will always inevitably end up in hate and disdain and a parting of ways because the positivity was never real in the first place, but only based on fear of others based on how I believe myself to be separate from others through self interest and ego.

I commit myself to stop the tendency to react to others in a way where I am pleasant and attempt to stimulate them in a positive way, like for instance saying nice things that I know they will like because it feeds their ego or being entertaining or making jokes – any kind of point of stimulation – when the desire to react to others this way arises because I feel an internal fear/pressure to react to others this way, I stop, I breathe and I continue to do this no matter how tough it is or how intense the fear is or no matter how long it lasts, as I see, realize and understand that this fear is not real, it is not me but just what I believe I must be – I breathe until the energy passes and I do not accept and allow myself to give into this desire to be stimulating as an internal pressure that I place on myself from a starting point of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not given myself the self love, self honesty, self trust, and self support to not give into the desire to have others like me and rather live a life of real value, even though it is not ‘exciting’ or ‘stimulating’ to others, to actually instead remain here as breath no matter what comes up

Day 238: The desire for attention from others

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In my last post I did forgiveness on the desire to have a positive experience/interaction with others. This is basically a form of attention, where I give attention to others in a positive way and others give positive attention to me. Fascinatingly now that am writing, I notice that the word attention is at-tension – because when we give attention from the starting point of validating our egos, it puts a strain on us, we are at a point of tension, as I notice that when I do too much of this energetically-charged kind of positive interaction, I end up totally drained and depleted of energy.

When we don’t get the kind of attention and recognition that we are used to getting from others, suddenly we go into a kind of sadness, a kind of loneliness, a kind of depression. The mind basically starts throwing a tantrum because it is simply not getting the energy it requires to validate itself. I mean people don’t like to be alone because it means they are left alone with who they are, without anyone to validate it and make it real for them. You may also notice this with others – the pressure to act and behave a certain way with others, because you know that if you don’t behave in certain ways and act they way they are used to/expect you to, you may have a problem. Suddenly others are not getting what they want and a justification is found to sever communication or end the relationship. I am facing exactly this point, both wanting the attention/recognition/energy, and fearing not giving it to others.

 The fact is that we can not continue to exist this way because it is just a conditional relationship that has no real integrity. I mean what is the point in having those kind of interactions, especially knowing that inevitably they will likely end. I mean it is just not sustainable because it is really not about enjoying, experiencing and interacting with others, it is about getting what you want – energy – and so if one person doesn’t do the job, we’ll just go searching for another who will.

 The energy and attention that we get is always related in some way to our self definition – who we are as how we have defined ourselves and how others define us. So when we’re getting that attention, is is giving recognition to all that self definition, validating it – without it, we are not being ‘recognized’ as that point of self definition that we have come to exist as.

 We are looking for others to validate illusions about ourselves. To feel like we have a big community of friends and family and people all around who like us and care for us and all that good stuff – why is that need and desire to have that experience so great? Because we know the reality of things – we know it is not the truth of our reality, and thus we create the illusion that everything is fine with the positive attention we give to each other. We don’t have to face who we actually are and what we have become in this reality, so we go on validating the illusions of ourselves that we’ve created by acting on them as the starting point of our interaction with others, where everybody is just constantly giving each other a little stroke, fucking each other in the ears with positive attention bullshit. I mean even when we are not getting the positive attention we want, we will throw a tantrum within the awareness that at least some kind of energy will come forth, and will sadly endure even more abuse now in the form of negative attention – anything will do. I mean it is like what is said about celebrities and famous people do: any publicity is good publicity.

 This point has also arisen within the context of relationships between two partners, because this is the reason why people get jealous – because we see how our partners do the same shit we’re doing, looking for attention, and when we see them get it from others, we react. And yet somehow we feel it is perfectly fine to get all that attention for ourselves, from whoever we can. Mike McDonald coined the term ‘energy slut’, a term that slightly improves upon and the conventional ‘attention whore’ term – and that is exactly what it is, being a virtual whore for energy – anything and anyone will do. When looking at this point within the context of my relationship, my initial tendency was to make sure that we basically did not do this with others so that we would not be jealous, but then I realize that it is not about who we do it with, that does not somehow justify and validate it. If anything, doing it in a relationship is the most dangerous because that is where people are giving each other massive, intense amounts of energy. My irrational fear is that if I do not continue to feed the relationship this kind of energy, that it will end, but if I continue, it is a certainty that it will end. I mean even if it lasted, it would not be worth it, because it is just asking for a relationship full of problems. Most relationships are really just a form of dependency. We are going to have to change this. We are going to have to learn how to really treat each other, how to really care for real, how to really support, to make real, sustainable agreements that are not based on energy and require upkeep as giving positive attention.

 The tendency for me to do this is great. The tendency for me to want this is great. For this reason I also have a tendency to go to the extreme of wanting to be like ‘fuck it, I am totally not going to do that anymore!’, but it is not about that, it is not about saying fuck that thing and then doing another thing – it is about simply breathing through the desire to want to act that way/be treated that way, and not allowing ourselves to be influenced by these energies within us when they arise.

 There must be a starting point of who we are in our world and our interactions that is based on reality, that is based on what is best for ourselves and all life and that paves the path of the road to successful and sustainable living. As long as everybody is too busy worried about playing this game, about who they apparently are (or rather, who they believe themselves to be) in this cult of personality, our relationships and our world will continue to be a mess.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and that I have not embraced my aloneness as the unconditional acceptance and embracing of myself.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go seeking/looking for positive attention from others, and to contextualize all of my behavior by this desire to get attention from others and have a positive experience with others.

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define others caring for me as giving me attention, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to quantify love and caring as how much energy as attention I am being given, not realizing that I am in fact equating and quantifying how much energy I am getting

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply give into the unexpected/unintended attention others give me because I am too weak to establish and ensure that the interaction is specific, supportive, real, and that which is best for all

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to judge myself and others for being energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be an energy slut and within the desire to be an energy slut, want and desire to have other energy sluts

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I judge another for being an energy slut and looking for attention, I am only proving that I am an energy slut through my inability to remain stable and clear and be directive

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get stimulated and excited and activate all kind of energies/personalities/opinions/knowledge/beliefs when I am speaking and speak/interact with others, because I know I am in the opportunity zone to get attention from others and thus I go into this entire mental experience where my words are compromised as they are energetically driven from the starting point of wanting/getting attention and wanting a positive outcome/experience

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so easily distracted by other people because I am so concerned with getting attention with them and the kind of attention I will get from them and thus will become super reactive/have a heightened sense of awareness’ because I am being so careful about the point of ‘how do i manipulate this in a way where I will get the attention that I want?’

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how loneliness and missing others is in fact missing the energy I experience when I get attention from others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to determine my relationships and who I will interact with and who I will be more drawn to, based on who I would like-most to give me attention, based on their status in society/the eyes of others

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be seen/regarded as special /important with the point of getting attention from others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on the substance and content of my relationship and instead just focused on making sure there is lots of attention getting and positive energy transfers

 I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stand on the behalf of those who are still hopelessly addicted to energy and require attention always through not judging them or reacting to them because I am in fact stopping my own desire for energy/attention/fulfillment/validation from another

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to make myself attractive, likeable and desirable within the eyes of the system so that I can get energy as attention from others

 I commit myself to embrace myself here alone and give myself the attention and recognition that I never gave myself – not as a sentiment, but as an actual physical act of ‘living self worth’ by taking on challenges, goals, accomplishing things, expanding myself, growing myself, educating myself, improving myself, working towards outcomes that will be best for my life and the lives of others

 I commit myself to give recognition, value and attention to myself as the self honest commitment to stop the mind, stop all weaknesses, stop all fears, stop all desires for attention as energy from others

 I commit myself to stop going looking for energy from others and rather, remain here as breath as the physical

 I commit myself to not give-in to the desire to get attention when others call upon me by trying to turn it into/contextualize it by some kind of positive energetic experience of giving each other attention and value, and thus I commit myself to ensure that all interactions are specific and supportive to myself and others, and yet I commit myself to watch the tendency to want to ‘force it’ by trying to make others understand this point and if nothing can be done, to simply let it be

 When and as I see the desire arise within me to try and make a positive experience and get attention from others, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am just feeding my own weakness and inferiority and remaining addicted to energy and also keeping others enslaved/trapped in energy through not being able to assist and support them, and thus I do not participate in this desire when it arises in the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself desiring to have others understand me and what I am doing as a point of trying to ‘save the attention/energy addiction’ and keep things going, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I must first be honest with myself and direct myself and clear my self of any and all points before I am able to effectively understood, and thus I do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as the fear that I will not be understood/will lose attention and energy

I commit myself to stop the tendency/habit of wanting/needing/desiring to get attention from others

Day 237: Stepping up my application and tying up loose-ends

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The are points in my process which I have been leniently allowing and letting slide for quite some time now and it’s time to really step up my application, because even though I am able to fool myself that these points are more ‘minor’ and justify that which the idea that I have changed in the more ‘major’/significant ways, the fact is that even the tiniest fall//thought can fuck up everything and even lead to falls back into the ‘major’ points in my process. By ‘points’, here I am referring to addictions/habits/patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as which require self correction. Time to get strict about bullshit and let myself really live and have some fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define living as being recognized by others positively/getting positive attention from others/impulsing others to feel positive and by association of that, to recognize me positively – I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to be limited/controlled/influenced/defined by the belief that I require this kind of experience to be able to survive, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience is real and always want to try and make that happy experience happen with others or to fear not having that experience with others or to fear when I am not having that experience with someone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor my process by giving positive values or negative values in the form of thought/reaction/backchat to that which I have defined as ‘doing well in process and not doing well in process’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a positive feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not smiling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn music and playing/listening to music into a crutch and a trap/limitation wherein I abuse music by using it as a way to boost my ego, as a way of compensating for my inferiorities in terms of where I lack skill/abilities/self confidence, by essentially drowning-out my reality by immersing myself in the drug of the experience I have when I listen to music and play music as an energetic experience, allowing myself tom in brief moments, be driven by a thoughts that bubble up as I am participating – I commit myself thus to watch who I am within the experience of playing music and to also be clear on my starting point as to why I am moving myself to participate in music 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life/process would be better or easier if I were in a relationship agreement with a Destonian

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my well-being and the well-being of others by allowing myself to fear not participating in energy/consciousness when interacting with other people within the belief that if I do not, others will reject me and I will not survive and have a pleasant experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to selfishly always want and desire to have an experience that is pleasurable as a form of energetic high as any form of mental experience/energy that takes me away from being here in the physical world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to qualify and judge my interactions/relationships/participations with others based on whether or not they agree with me or have the same principles as me 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define love and living as having friendship connections with others and within this, want and desire to ‘connect’ with others as friends a s form of having a positive energetic experience of myself that is like a drug of ecstacy that gives me a higher experience of myself that is experienced as positive until the energy fades and reality sets in again – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make good’ on instances in the past where relationships failed or I harbor some degree of guilt and regret and within that, want to ‘reconnect’ and forgive each other and have everything be ok between us, not realizing within this that making amends is not about the other and establishing a connection with the other, it is about who I am and correcting the nature of myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be directive with others when I see points come up that require assistance/support/direction by justifying what they are living as ‘cute’ and treat the point jokingly as if it is irrelevant, acceptable and a funny thing, simply because I fear to actually act and what may be involved in taking action which may challenge a being/contradict them, as I fear how the other may react or that they will not like me or they will reject me – thus I commit myself to stop allowing abuse in the name of ‘oh isn’t that cute and harmless’ and to direct that which I see as abuse/abuse in-the-making, rather than trying to support the other from a starting point of positivity, believing that I will have a better chance to convince them/support them if I am positive and make them feel good/positive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take that which I have defined as having value in my own mind based on my own self interest, and to impose it on others and insist that it has value and that they should recognize that value, as I now see, realize and understand that to present anything as ‘more than’ what it actually is in fact (but rather as a personalized value judgment/opinion) is actually brainwashing, no matter how well intended it may seem or how much I believe in the value I have given to that which I am sharing, as any form of presenting something as ‘the gospel’/special/profound/more than what it really is, is always indoctrination, deception and brainwashing 

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind energy in all of the smaller addictions that I have already identified in my life but have not completely let go of because I have deemed them as ‘small’ and ‘insignificant’ and thus being apparently ‘harmless’

I commit myself to stop making/looking for an energetic experience in my interpersonal relationships with other people, in my daily activities of watching videos, reading or writing, when playing the drums, when talking to my girlfriend, friends and family, with animals, the animal kingdom, nature, with anything in this reality with which I am creating some kind of energetic experience/relationship to 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is not real as anger is just energy which always fades in time and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others being mad at me and this madness being real/everlasting, when in fact, it is not who they are and can never be real as who they are

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within my fear of survival and desire to survive/have everything be ok/have positive experience and interactions with others in my world, I am in fact miss others completely and not seeing who they really are at all, and in no way considering them as life as equals as how they in fact exist and are experiencing themselves and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to neglect others who require assistance and support just as I require assistance and support

I commit myself to stop all fear as self interest as the fear of surviving/others and to thus stop neglecting myself and others as life as who we really are

Day 224: Clinging on to positivity part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a positive energetic charge to that which I see as contributing to my own personal survival – whether it be the things I say, how I appear or present myself to others, the things I do or accomplish, the things I write, the people around me, the things in my environment and the places and the environment that I am in – limiting myself to an existence of survival where I am then moving between points which I see as positive and negative and never actually standing here, stable as breath

I commit myself to stop ‘talking up’ and giving extra positive value to things, people, places, experiences and events in my world as a form of inflating my own ego, in the attempt to create a sense of self/life that is better than it is in fact as a form of wanting to escape/not face/not take responsibility for my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that pride is my downfall, and that pride is only created through identifying myself/my life as positive and within this, the fear of loss is created where I fear to lose that which I am defining as positive

I commit myself to stand stable in the face of stimulation as that which I see as positive/contributing to my survival

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by creating something positive out of/giving a positive energetic charge to things in my reality is a trap where I then become stuck and limited to that which I see as positive, as this value judgment is rooted in fear of the negative of my reality and eventually turns into an obsession, the further I travel down this road of believing/perceiving/convincing myself of the positivity that I have attached to things in my world – whether it be myself, others people, places or things.

When and as I see myself obsessing over/thinking about/trying to create/trying to attract the positive – I stop, I breathe – I let go of my desire as it is in fact rooted in fear, belief and escapism and I do not participate in this desire/obsession

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy life and every moment here by assessing self honestly what my priorities are and thus what is necessary to be done here in the moment, and simply going into it physically and within this, allowing myself to enjoy my reality and not try to attract the positive but simply live and experience all facets of life, without expectation, pre-judgment or preference

I commit myself to let go of the bias of that which I tend to define as positive and within this, stop obsessing over the positive and give myself the strength as clarity to stand here alone, embracing myself, accepting myself and stopping all fears that I will be alone/lost/have a bad experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is that which I desire as the positive that is making my life a struggle, and the foolishness of the belief that these things will ‘make me happy’ that is based on memories of enjoyment in the past which I associate with these things in my life

I commit myself to walk through the fears of letting go of/not obsessing over/not constantly trying to create the positive, to be able to see, realize and understand the freedom from bias as the desire for a positive experience and what is means to remain here as breath and stand as life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to place myself effectively as required in my world, do my work, and walk away – without adding any extra value judgments as positive or negative to the experience, so that I am free to move from experience to experience without bias or resistance

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am allowing the fear of loss to control, influence and direct me and the detrimental effects it is/will have on my well being and quality of life and future

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make things out to be more positive than they are in fact by judging them/adding an extra positive value to them in my mind to cover up the fact/escape the reality of the fact that I am actually living in a world that is quite a mess which will require hard work, dedication, fearlessness and clarity to be able to sort out

I commit myself to stand without fear through stopping my participations in things that is based on fear as the desire to create a positive experience for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by attempting to create/attract/attain/experience the positive as I have defined it in my mind, I am in fact creating/attracting/attaining/experiencing the negative as that which I desire/have defined as positive is in fact based on fear and the desire to escape

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look towards things, people, places and experiences which I have defined as positive to help me/save me from myself as the negative/fear that exist within me – not seeing, realizing or understanding that is useless and futile as it is only me who is able to support me and save me from myself

Thus I commit myself to, in the moments of feeling lonely and yearning for the positive as an experience or someone/something to save me, to stop, breathe, and even support myself with writing if necessary, so that I do not participate in this desire to experience the positive and I can be free to live without the dependency of having a mental energetic charge

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not stand absolute and alone in supporting myself to stop the addiction to the positive as the mind/a mental experience of myself through things/people/places/events/experiences which I have defined as positive in my world, I am useless to support another and I am useless in terms of having any opportunity to enjoy myself/my reality without bias

I commit myself to stop adding positive values to things in my world, and to stop chasing the things which I have already defined as positive so that I may learn to see that that which I have defined as positive which I have for so long believed and perceived I depend on in order to survive, is not real, and does not in fact support me but rather harms me and those around me as it is based in fear/fear of loss