Tag Archives: thinking

Day 338: The Freedom of giving up

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I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.

 

The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.

 

But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.

 

From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.

 

So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.

 

Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.

 

The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

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Day 333: Daily habits and thinking

Observe your thoughts for a day, a week, a month” – this was something that I read today that really stuck with me, even though it may seem a simplistic point. I notice that actually, to even observe my thoughts for a whole day is very difficult, because of the nature of thinking: that you are the one doing it, and so while you’re busy doing it, it is difficult to be able to step back and observe what you are doing.

This is where words like determination, dedication and strictness have to be lived and applied, because such a habit of taking note of one’s own thoughts does not happen naturally at all, it takes real effort and concentration, it requires one to be steadfast, almost vigilant, if it is to be done properly. I happen to have started reading this new book on habits and habit formation and that is one of the points that is brought up: that forming new habits take real work and concentration. Over time they become easier to activate as the path has already been walked – practice makes perfect.

Crucial within this is to stop participating in habits that take away from this point of concentrating myself on what matters. It is crucial to actually direct myself here in the moment in making specific decisions where I am fully aware of what I will do and I do it, based on the understanding that deciding on and sticking to certain activities will in fact support me. There is always something there to entertain myself with, there is always someone else to focus on, and then there is always my partner, who is quite frankly very attractive and charming to me – all of these points are things that I experience as nice, good feeling habits that are just so easy to fall into, as they have already been formed – and I notice that when I fall into these habits, because they are based in the energy of the mind, I become like hazy, clouded and unfocused, it becomes very noticeable when I then try to focus myself/concentrate on something. Again, strictness with self, and not fearing that I will ‘lose anything’ is crucial here, because what I tend to do when I fear losing something, is that I may apply myself, but I will kind of ‘try too much, ‘focus too hard’, where I become too intense, obsessive and zealous, because within that fear of loss within giving up old habits, a new energy is created which is then the energy that I end up feeding and building-up in the attempt to stop and change.

This reminds me of an interview series I watched recently from Desteni with regards to Michael Tsarion and his work, where they discussed the point of how we try to be good and not be evil, but how being good takes so much effort and energy because it is only based on judging evil and thus trying to suppress/not be evil. This is simply not necessary and doesn’t work, especially when I have the tools and even some of the experience to be practical and effective in dealing with the mind. So, back the notebook I will keep in my pocket for when thoughts come up, back to breathing as a self support as often as possible and when I see myself falling into old habits – there is no need to judge and then fear – but to simply recognize, breathe and within breath the common sense is always here to move myself directly, in one single moment as breath as I see, understand and realize what it is that I must do – move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to the simplicity of breath in directing myself here in every moment – of being determined to breathe whenever I see myself participating in a habit/pattern/addiction, and to then move myself to make a decision in self honesty in participating in that which is practical and relevant which supports me. I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be disciplined in writing out my thoughts and observing the patterns of my mind as thoughts consistently so that I may begin to know and understand how I work and thus know how to support and change myself effectively

When and as I see myself getting lost in a habit/desire.pattern/addiction, or even the thoughts of participating in it – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand where this is going and that I will only delude myself with energy as the habit/energy takes over and I lose control over my own self directive principle, and thus I remain here as breath and direct myself in self honesty as a decision that self honestly will support me in my process of stopping the mind

I commit myself to stop my habits/patterns/desires/addictions effectively so that I may support myself to understand myself, and thus within stopping I commit and dedicate myself to writing out my thoughts and to observe and write out my thoughts as much as possible, within the commitment of getting to know myself and thus getting to know all beings as the mind, and thus being able to change myself and direct myself and within this, be able to direct and support others effectively, making my existence on this earth relevant as I can actually have an effect on my reality that results in an outcome that is best for all life as change

Day 331: The danger of being lost in thought

 

Today I lost a toe nail. It was on my big toe. I’ve never lost a nail before and I must say, the experience was fucking PAINFUL. I was swimming in the ocean, and I turned around somewhat quickly to move in the other direction and I did not see a rock in the water that was quite tall, and stubbed my toe in just the right way where my toe nail was separated from my toe, although it still held on by just a bit at the bottom. I was on an island tour and it was morning so I had to wait until the tour ended in the afternoon, return to my hotel and then go see a doctor in the clinic to have my toe anesthetized with drugs, and have the toe nail completely removed. The anesthetic injection was extremely painful as well.

 

The reason this happened was due to the fact that when I turned and stubbed my toe, I was not paying attention, I was thinking. I was preoccupied in thought for just a moment and this was enough to fuck up my toe, which will now take some time to heal, and where I must be very careful and am taking drugs regularly because it is exposed without the toe nail.

 

This reminds me of several other times I injured myself in my life, simply because I was lost in the mind, lost in thoughts.

 

I once shattered my metacarpal bone in my hand because I was enraged, I ‘snapped’ due to some angry thoughts I had about another.

 

A few years back I tore a ligament in my leg, playing basketball and lost in the thought of how I was going to win, not paying attention to my body as I was busy watching one of my shots go in the net.

 

I had a motorcycle accident a while ago because I reacted to what the person in front of me was doing, started thinking and didn’t pay attention because of my thinking for a crucial moment.

 

When I was younger I got a concussion playing football, lost and caught up again in thoughts about winning and sacrificing my body for my minds desires.

 

These are just a few examples of what being lost in the mind of thoughts can do, and it is a tiny scope of the consequences of being lost in the mind; it barely accounts for future consequences, peripheral consequences and the consequences it has on the lives of other people and this world. It shows the important of ‘getting back to ourselves’ – getting real with yourself, becoming self honest with yourself about what it is that you are in fact doing with your body/life, and learning to actually direct yourself, here as the breath of a physical being – not a system of the mind that is directed by programmed thoughts and ideas about what is apparently important, about what one should apparently be living, which is always self serving – ego.

 

A bit of pain every now and again can do us good as the consequences of living out ego and not directing ourselves self honestly, if we use that pain and unpleasant experience as motivation/a reality check to look at ourselves and question what we are doing, to realize the error of what we are doing and redirect/re-align ourselves accordingly.

Day 320: Strengthening my resolve to stop daily addictive habits

 

What am I experiencing today? I am experiencing the desire for attention, I am experiencing an inability to stop myself when the prospect of having sex arises, I am experiencing desires to eat food that I really don’t need, it just takes good, I am experiencing the desire to smoke weed, I am experiencing resistance to getting down to doing real work like writing and self investigation or school work, excitement over my coffee habit where I get excited about drinking coffee and being productive, but don’t end up being productive. Also the addiction to pro sports thing, pointlessly checking sports updates for entertainment/distraction. I keep justifying the desire to smoke weed as ‘I can handle it, just do a bit once in a while’ or ‘I can put checks an restrictions on it that are out of my control so I have no choice to stop’, but it is like, how can I trust myself on that? Also fears about my relationships and whether or not it is practical or if I am ‘wasting time’ – which I should not project onto my relationship or the other because really a relationship is not even a real thing lol and the other is not to blame. I also notice I have this tendency to worry and be indirect in handling point I am facing by not being simplistic in writing about them, but rather reacting to them in moments of insights/moments where I notice them, or even when I write about them. This is unnecessary as it just takes simple self honesty to see the point with my own 2 eyes and it will then be obvious what to do – self forgiveness and self corrective application. That seems to be it, other than the regular thoughts that arise, which I should really start jotting down in a notebook – I just noticed that I found an excuse not to do this, and so I will in this moment go grab my notebook and a pen, to keep on my person.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to crave and desire attention from others as the stimulation that the mind needs/requires in order to define itself and move itself and have a purpose – when and as I see myself desiring attention from others, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire is the mind looking for self definition, purpose and direction – thus I do not participate in this desire and rather ‘keep my nose to the grindstone’ of directing myself in humbleness to simply continue to apply myself in doing what is really practical/relevant/necessary to be done, point by point

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire for sex when I see myself being stimulated by and reacting to the sight of another’s body and the opportunity/possibility of having sex – thus when and as I see myself having such reactions to the image/feeling/sensation of another’s body and the opportunity to have sex and the excitement at having the opportunity for an energy high, and the desire to act on these reactions: I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see the patterns where sex has become a mental experience/high of wanting an experience of an energetic high which the mind experiences as power, control and good feelings/sensation, and thus I remain here as breath when experiencing such sights or physical contact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to eat food that stimulates my mind because it tastes good, rather than simply giving the body what it requires practically, in gratefulness and humbleness – thus when and as I see myself going for the delicious food because I desire energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the body simply doesn’t need this and that if I do not participate, I will still be here/fine, and thus I do not participate in such desires no matter how the mind justifies it as I see that the mind is tricky and will tempt me in every way possible with thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a habit out of getting coffee as a ‘nice big idea’ because apparently it means I will do work and be more effective, as this is the ultimate deception to actually justify wasting more time once I’ve got coffee, putting my work off and procrastinating further – thus I commit myself to use coffee in a way that is practical wherein I set my plan of what I will be doing once I get my coffee, drink the coffee, and then simply do what I had planned immediately

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste my time, distract myself and generally lose self direction and focus by paying attention to pro sports updates – thus I commit myself to simply stop checking pro sports, and as a support I have already blocked all the pro sports sites I normally visited so that I have the reminder every time I may try to give into my desire, as I see and realize that stopping is sometimes difficult, and yet I am missing nothing of real benefit by simply stopping ‘cold turkey’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to smoke weed as a way of escaping my reality and completely not having to focus on doing anything real or making any real difference in myself and in this world, so I can just escape my reality and create a fantasy reality that is apparently blissful and deny life, just because I have defined myself as weak and incapable and defined making a difference in myself/this world as apparently difficult or not enjoyable – thus I commit myself to stop the desire or act of smoking weed as it is simply impractical – when and as this desire arises, I simply stop and breathe and do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see that it is the mind/ego attempting to destabilize me and that I am in fact not ‘missing out on anything’ by not escaping my reality through smoking weed

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self dishonesties onto my relationship and partner, such as impracticality and lack of self direction, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is in fact no such thing as a ‘relationship’ and that this is only a projection of who I am and how I am living onto this imaginary creation, as well as my partner, and that this point about me can be corrected so that I do not have such negative experiences projected onto things outside of myself – thus I commit myself to take the point I experience towards my relationship, whether it be doubt or fear or dissatisfaction or anger or impracticality or whatever it is, and take these points back to self and correct my living by correcting myself and my relationship with myself so that all other forms of relationship I experience and participate in are a real self expression of myself as that which is effective, directive and best for all life – when and as I see myself experiencing things like this towards my relationship/partner – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am projection me and my relationship with myself and my living application onto my relationship and partner, and thus I do not participate in these projections as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry and think too much about the points I am facing when I have a moment of insight, realization or noticing a point, and then go searching the mind for answers/solutions. When and as I see myself noticing a point or having an insight, and then immediately going into reaction/fear/searching the mind for what to do – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is impractical and only further complicates my process and is unnecessary over-thinking things, and that I can stop all this by simply breathing and also by writing out the point immediately, thus I do not participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as fearing points, reacting to them and trying to solve them with the mind, but rather simple breathe and do self forgiveness or write out the point

Day 222: Fear of loss – what to do?

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At this very moment I am not feeling comfortable – what am I experiencing – fear – what does it lead back to? Desire. I have desire and this desire is not being directed effectively. Directing desire is a simple application as breath which I must continue to apply and develop as a tool/mechanism through which I am able to move through these tough experiences of desire. If I have no desire, I will have no fear. If I have no fear, obviously I will be able to have quite a cool experience of myself.

Much of the fear also has to do with others in my reality – what if they do not stand? What if I will lose because they are not standing?

The last question is interesting because there is no way another’s not standing can ‘take away from me’ unless I allow it – in other words, if others do not stand, if they ‘turn on me’ or become abusive or ‘leave/abandon me’, it is only me who is able to say “oh God, I am missing out, what a loss!” and of course the common sense question is: if others become what I fear – then why the hell would I fear losing them in the first place?

I understand at this stage, as an idea, that if a relationship ends, it is fine because it was never real in the first place – but living that statement is another story, as the fear of loss certainly exists within me. It is a mental thing in nature, of this I am sure. So because it is mental in nature, that means I had to have created it. How did I create it or how am I currently creating it?

Now I see the point more clearly: if the relationship exists only in our mind as mental projection of ourselves as what we would like to be but are not it living in fact – then naturally within this the fear of loss will be created because we are projecting ourselves as the awareness that we are in fact lost in our own creation.

However the point here that is difficult is to focus the shift from ‘we’ to ‘me’ – in other words, making this stand unconditionally and absolutely. Interestingly enough, while the fear of standing is the fear of loss, losing relationships/not surviving in my society, is that by standing am I in fact making sure that all relationships that I accept and allow will be that which is best for all. By not doing so, I am accepting an existence of relationships that are made to fail, destined for pain and sorrow.

 

The problem lies in how I will tend to define certain individuals as special, based within this fear of loss, because here I am making the association with maintaining positive relationships with these individuals. So it is missing the principle by essentially making the mistake of ‘formatting’/defining the principle as embodied by certain individuals in my life. My standing cannot be limited by who else is willing to stand – and if I am to ever expect that anyone will stand, my stand will have to become unconditional.

I fear that others will not understand and I will lose them, but the fact is that this is the only way – nevermind that fear isn’t even valid in the first place. Within the desire to ‘have them understand’ I am not focusing on me and I will not be clear, and within that, trying to communicate a understanding to another will be impossible because it is I who am not under-standing – standing up within myself. This is the key, whether others understand initially or not – they will do so in time as my standing is absolute.

The fears I am having must be ‘nipped in the bud’ in terms of not allowing a single one to exist within and as me, let alone drive me to action! To be clear that fear is not the point that moves me because if I allow this within myself, I am allowing in another – what I fear is what I attract!

Here I must also watch the tendency to project myself and thus when I do take on a point – be clear that it is focused on the point rather than focusing on the point in another person only – because here I will be speaking from a starting point of separation. Another tendency to look out for is the tendency to want positive feedback or some kind of positive feeling experience from which to base everything that I’m talking about, because the fact is, there is no positive feeling attached to standing, and we are a race all so addicted to positive feelings that standing is not going to feel positive at all – those are the ‘tough moments’ that I am going to have to walk through that will be my test of absolution.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push and exercise the point of walking through desire by breathing through it, not realizing that if I allow any desire to exist, I am allowing harm to be done unto myself by living the self interest that I fear in others, where we neglect each other in our own delusion of self importance

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that IN ALL INSTANCES OF WHAT I FEAR ABOUT OTHERS that I am in fact only fearing that which I am accepting and allowing about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not following or losing system relationships as the systematization of interaction which is created through fear as self dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and define relationships with others within and as my own mind, based on the polarization of living in the survival mode of friends and enemies.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to remain not standing due to the fear of loss is actually creating the fear of loss as what I fear I will create – and that by not standing I am creating certain loss – albeit perhaps in the distant future in some cases – it is inevitable – while not realizing that by standing unconditionally and walking through the fear of loss, am I in fact, for the first time, creating a life that is worth living and sustainable – not matter who it is in relation with

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the fear of loss is a marker of support indicating that I am lost within some point which requires careful attention and consideration

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to certain relationships which I value more than others within the fear of loss – not realizing that it is my relationship to life that must take precedent – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value some relationships more than others – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate my process/self definition with other human beings in my life and allow the people who are in my life to influence my standing as either defining them as supportive to it or taking away from it

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that to have a cool existence where all relationships are sound and no one live in fear of another, I must stand without fear of loss as fear of others as who others may accept and allow themselves to be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the desire to have others understand, not realizing that this desire is a self projection where I am not supporting myself and not realizing that supporting myself is what must be done in order to have effective relationships/interactions that are best for all life – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not stand, I will be completely unable to communicate anything to another and all interaction becomes useless

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on fears, rather than get into the habit of nipping them in the bud immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within a point of un-clarity due to not taking responsibility for my own mind/fear, want to focus on points in another – not realizing that I am limited from being able to actually discuss the point itself WITH another, and thus actually be effective in support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust positive feelings to the extent where if no positive feelings exist, I am not able to move myself – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that standing absolute is not going to feel good and given the nature of how addicted we have become to feelings, it is going to feel like I am going against the grain of all that is good – when in fact it is not so – that is only a resonant experience of the mind not being fed energy

I commit myself to breathe through all desires as I am able to identify them and get into the habit of breathing immediately when I am entering a mind possession as desire

I commit myself to stop the fear of others through standing as a being who consider all life as equal and one and thus do not fear others because I am standing within the principle of what is best for all life, which quite naturally will bring about a world that is best for all life

I commit myself to not give into the self-imposed pressure of behaving systematically in relationships out of fear of loss/judgment/misunderstanding by others – when and as I see myself having a resonant experience of thoughts/feelings/emotions wanting to act out of fear of loss, I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to participate as I see, understand and realize that if I allow fear of loss to exist within and as me, then fear of loss is what I will create

I commit myself to stop the tendency to create relationships within and as my own mind through thoughts/backchat/spoken word that convince myself that there is something ‘more special’ or more profound than what actually exists in fact

I commit myself to stand within and as principles that is best for all life within the context of the mess that we are currently in on earth  – as to absolutely honor life here in this time I am given on earth is to create a reality where all future relationships may be sound

I commit myself to nip fear of loss in the bud, in the moments that I experience through applying the 4 count breath and not allowing my fear of loss to direct me as thoughts/backchat/a feeling/emotional resonant experience

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring for others to understand a point/me/process, I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this tendency is a form of compensation for myself not looking at/facing/standing up within certain points, and thus I do not allow myself to participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather make sure I am clear on the point within myself and live/apply myself accordingly – I commit myself to stop the tendency to focus on points in others and simply focus on the points as equal and one to/as others

I commit myself to stand absolute in my resolve to walk this process and never give into fear as the mind and never allow fear as the negative of the experience not getting the positive energy it is used to determine/define who I will be – thus when and as I see myself having resistance/fear because I am not being positive energy, I stop, I breathe, I see that this resistance is based on how I have come to define/trust positive feelings as energy/the mind and thus I see, realize and understand that this process is going to not ‘feel good’ and be difficult and will even perceived as ‘negative’  and ‘don’t go there’ because of the fear of loss, when in fact that fear of loss is the fear of the mind losing itself – I breathe and I do not participate in the mind as my thoughts/feelings and emotions

Day 172: Your thoughts determine who you are

Through the Desteni I Process, I have found a unique opportunity, which is to begin writing out my backchat on a daily basis – that means all of my thoughts from the various personalities/characters that exist within and as my mind.

I noticed a fascinating thing about this today, which is the degree to which we take for granted the thoughts we are having, and the degree to which these thoughts are then having an influence over our lives in every way. Imagine, how many thoughts do you have every day? Many. Out of that very large number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take notice of? Very few. Out of that small number, how many of those thoughts do you actually take the time to jot down on a piece of paper or on your computer, to be able to self reflect? Of those thoughts you have jotted down to be able to self reflect, how many do you then deconstruct, to see how they were formed and how they function in specific detail? It is really staggering how much we take for granted, and it is no wonder that we often perceive a simple skill like predicting the future as some mystical magical ability.

So I today I began a ‘backchat diary’ – taking notes of all the thoughts that I can, throughout my day as they come up (a pocket sized not book is useful for this). Another cool point here is that within doing this, you really get to know yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt, in a way that is undeniable, because no matter how you would like to think of yourself, your thoughts will always tell the real story and often a very different story from the self image that we have of ourselves where we tend to only see what we want to.

Taking responsibility for the thoughts we have is really a simple point of self honesty and taking self responsibility for who we are and what we have become, the influence of which we are seeing in our world today, as the complete disaster that it has become. In doing this, one will really get to know themselves and find things, that once reflected upon from a starting point of integrity/equality – is really nasty, unacceptable stuff when contrasted by the people we would like to be and the world we would like to create. Furthermore, as it has been pointed out to me before, we simply do not understand the mechanics of where a thought comes from: where it originated, what purpose it serves, the process it goes through as we think and continue to think and live-out our lives under the influence of these thoughts, becoming characters defined by thoughts whose origin we are not even aware of. Wouldn’t you like to know who you are? Why you are? Why you think the way you do? Why you do the things you do? Why the emotions and feelings that are generated from our constant and continuous thinking feel so real and are so over bearing and consuming all the time?

So, when I say this is a simple point of self honesty and self responsibility, that carries within it no systematic morality connotation of ‘being a good person’ in an altruistic sense – it is simple self honesty where you realize “oh my God, there are these voices in my head that are literally controlling me and determining who I am – and I don’t have a grip on it or even the slightest idea how it all works”. Within this point of self honesty, also exists the basic point of having some self respect.

Day 142: What is the big idea behind success?

Within this point of success I have been looking at recently, in terms of effective living application, I have noticed a lot of fear of failure. This fear of failure is generated from not only a self belief of inferiority, but the actual living of self that is influenced by this self belief, and this living of self as inferior (being ineffective) that then reinforces the initial belief of inferiority. What happens when the self belief of inferiority is lived, is that it will activate all kinds of thoughts, feelings and emotions, and when I go into these mental/energetic experiences – I am not here, breathing/living in the physical – how can I be effective in applying myself in doing what I am doing, when I am not even here? This is how a lot of screw ups occur – like a car accident where someone’s attention is diverted from what is here, and the whole task turns into a wreck. Everyone has this experience before, and with regards to things like school and work, I have experienced this extensively. Having lived this self belief of inferiority into physical manifestation has given me all the more reason to believe that it is real, which perpetuates the cycle through a self acceptance as this self belief.

Now what I have noticed is that I have developed other mental mechanisms to compensate for this self acceptance of this self belief, where it is like engrained that ‘I am a fuck up, I cannot do this effectively. Within the fear that is created through this self acceptance, I had developed new mechanisms to apparently help me with a task. Ways of compensating for the actual natural abilities of the physical, that tend to be mental in nature. It is like being lost at sea, and rather than using your abilities to swim to land, finding a life preserver and just floating there, hoping everything will work out, fully accepting that I am lost at sea and within this full acceptance, not considering the actual real physical self that is able to swim, or let alone looking around because maybe there may even be land nearby.

I have noticed for instance that teaching can very easily become this way, because teaching really is such a dynamic thing that takes place from moment to moment, and thus it is vital to be here in every moment of teaching. However I have found this tendency to try to ‘hold onto a life preserver’ – which in this case, would be getting stuck on an idea, and just trying to stick with it, no matter what. It could be to stick with only a particular topic, for instance, or just sticking to one singular form of teaching/explaining this topic. This has occurred extensively with teaching in general, if you have a look in schools, where the pedagogy has become extremely rigid and uniform, and there is like only one way that things can apparently be taught and learned – all just because we’ve completely hung up on this one idea.

Another place in my life I have noticed it is with social interactions, where I may encounter situations where I don’t know how to act or deal with something (notice how messed up it is that I should even have a ‘way that I should act’ in the first place) I will just generally revert to an idea of being some kind of likeable character, where I am nice and friendly and positive and polite – and not actually looking at the real substance of what is taking place, and thus not seeing what would actually be required to be done in this situation.

Yet another place I notice this is when something I am doing is not working, and I am already convinced it should be working, it is like I just try and do it harder, just keep trying, keep pushing and kick up the intensity a notch, leading myself to the inevitable ‘banging my head against a wall’ experience – being so invested in an idea that I might not stop to notice: this isn’t working, time to actually breathe and look at the situation here.

So what this all boils down to is a form of ‘overcompensating’ through utilizing ideas of the mind and going ‘above and beyond’ what is here, by placing ‘higher value’ in ideas of the mind than simply actually being here in the moment to physically apply myself. Yes it is necessary that knowledge may be required to be applied, but when knowledge is actually applied it is done so physically – that’s why we can do so much without having knowledge/ideas attached to it. We have gone way too far with this idea of knowledge being the ‘be all end all’ that it is almost like we believe we are incapable of living without knowledge, and it is based in a lack of self trust where we do not trust ourselves to live and apply ourselves here in the moment – even if we don’t ‘know what to do’. This is extensive, where we believe that we have to know all kinds of things, act all kinds of certain ways, become all kinds of characters, feel all kinds of feelings and energies – just to live and survive!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require some kind of knowledge to help me/save me/guide me/hold my hand, within the self abandonment I have done through accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am inferior and going into the energy of the mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, removing myself from the physical reality here and thus recreating and reinforcing this self belief as inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘going into the deep end’ by allowing myself to jump into the pool of life and trust myself here in the moment unconditionally to apply myself here in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and recreate the fear of failure through a lack of self trust as believing that I must have an idea as a plan/safety net to be able to live, work and apply myself, and depend on this idea and fear not applying the idea correctly/effectively because I’ve allowed myself to believe that if I do not, I will fail apparently – when in fact life can only be lived here, breath by breath and require no knowledge/ideas

When and as I see myself going into an idea/character/personality of what I should apparently do or be within applying myself here in living/working – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this tendency is in fact based in a self belief of inferiority as accepting myself to be less than an idea and thus believing that I depend on this idea to live and apply myself – and I do not participate within and as this idea

I commit myself to ‘jump into the deep end’ of life and stop the fear of failure through applying myself unconditionally here and trusting myself within and as breath to live effectively here, moment by moment