Tag Archives: money

Day 338: The Freedom of giving up

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I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.

 

The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.

 

But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.

 

From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.

 

So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.

 

Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.

 

The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

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Day 319: Self honesty as the starting point for practical action

 

That I am here in this moment is almost the only thing I can be certain of. Life seems to move so fast and the mind reacts so instantaneously and seemingly naturally that I miss so much of what prompts me to ‘speed up’ and move at a pace where I don’t always really pay attention to what I am doing, what I am saying. This is not to say that I shouldn’t act naturally, but that there are certain things which I see, that if I just gave myself a moment and didn’t give into my mind/fears so automatically, I could then give myself a chance to direct myself more effectively in a way that is less considered/walked: as breath.

 

When I am honest with myself I can see how I have been programmed to live a life of self-interest – the base mentality that we are all programmed with because as long as we all play and support this game, those who have massive advantages over the rest of us (by virtue of their birthright) will always win a game that we create and support by virtue of our allowance and participation in it. The outflow of this is that I am addicted to certain things in my reality that I experience as “I like doing this” because it gives me some kind of inner experience of nice feelings.

 

When I look at the basics of these addictions – greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, pride – it is sufficient as a guideline to at least know what not to do, to know what not to participate in – it can just be difficult at times to fully apply myself in not participating in such habits, and also to remain consistent in doing so. And yet when I do, and stick to this basic guideline of not participating in my own selfishness, my own self interest: a whole new world opens up where I can actually live for real, where I can live in a way where my starting point and consideration is what is best for all live, including all as one as me – so essentially, addictions are the ‘food’ of the mind and ego – no matter how seemingly innocent they are or how we may justify them to ourselves.

 

When I look at my life, there is so much that I can convince myself is important and that I must obsess over, ‘or else apparently I will lose out, apparently I will not survive and thrive if I do not obsess over my own self interest, if I don’t live in constant fear of loss and defeat’. This is the mentality of my culture, my society: compete and win at all costs – fuck everything else, fuck life – we just don’t want to see it that way because we present our self interest and addictions as wonderful, fun, innocent – whatever. When I look at my life, apparently: my job is so important, my relationship is so important, the experience of feelings that I have defined as “love” is so important, whether or not others like me and how they think of me is important, whether I look good or not is so important, whether or not I have lots of money to buy things for myself is important, having lots of fun and great experiences is so important, my family and friends is so important, etc. etc. If this is so – and given that humans were created equal – what does this imply of all the billions of people who live only to suffer and have no chance of ever experiencing success and dignity in any of these points I have previously mentioned? Wouldn’t my priority as a responsible human being then be to work to ensure that all beings on earth are given the same opportunities and rights of those things that I obsess over and believe are so important for myself? It is going to require a great degree to humbleness to accomplish anything of real significance in this way, in this reality.

 

I have a tendency to over-think things, to procrastinate, to worry and wonder if I am ‘doing things right’ and ‘what is the best way to get this done’ – it is simple – self honesty – you just do it. Do away with all the shit in your life that you have falsely claimed is so important, ‘get a life’ and change your priorities – stop participating in the shit that only makes me feel nice but makes no real difference in the world as the world continues to plummet into hell. Self honesty is extremely simplistic and really just requires us to give up the things we fear and resist giving up.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give priority and value to my own self interest, which includes all of my addictions and activities that I participate in which make no real difference int his reality and just give me the illusion of happiness and fulfillment because they create feelings in me that are based in separation from life as they serve only ego and self interest, and I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to justify such actions as apparently being all in good fun and somehow being that which is best for all by making me happy first.

 

I commit myself to identify my priorities, what does not require attention and what does, based on the principle of participating in actions and doing whatever is necessary that will accumulatively, eventually and inevitably create a world that is best for all life and to no longer question or doubt or delay myself through over-thinking things and giving into the fearful thoughts and resistance of the mind, and rather act here as breath in self honesty as who I really am as life, where the mind is unable to deceive me by directing me with thoughts that are programmed to only serve self interest

 

Through directing ourselves as life, our example resonates, and its effect permeates reality like water, in a way that is beyond what we have always known: trying to control ourselves, others and our reality with the mind from a starting point of fear and self interest, as this will never produce a result as a world that is best for all life.

Day 315: Daily self forgiveness: using the faults of others to justify my reactions

To those who spend their time looking for the faults in others: Quote About Spend Time Looking Faults Others

Just a quick post for today.

 

Today I had some experiences wherein I was becoming mildly frustrated with ‘the incompetence, bullshit and mischievous ways’ of others – apparently. It is fascinating because as much as I am able to blame others for how I experience myself, they are not ‘making me’ feel anything – everything I experience internally is about no one and nothing but myself.

 

The tricky part is how the mind uses real things in physical reality to justify and further ‘make real’ that which I am experiencing within myself. Sure, perhaps those who I was dealing with were incompetent, bulshitting and being mischevious, but by focusing on this I am overlooking the real point: the issue was over money, and within dealing with a point about money, fears of mine came up – ‘what ifs’ – which are points of self-doubt that the ego uses so cleverly to again ‘make real’ it’s own desires and beliefs. The only reason I experienced any irritation, frustration and therefore blame/judgment towards others, is because of the fears that dealing with money bring up

 

So the point here is to stop all reactions/projections/desires related to money and what the point of money really brings up: fear of loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose my things and be ‘cheated’ out of having things: money and possessions, and therefore one day find myself ‘without’ and ‘in trouble’ because I have nothing on which to survive – I commit myself to remain here within and as breath when and as this fear arises, as I see, realize and understand that I am only able to do what I am able to do within the necessity to survive and nothing more, and that to ‘over blow’ this point by acting out of fear and thus resorting to mind-tactics to be able to survive such as attacking others or intimidation – I stop, breathe, and do not allow myself to participate in my reactions and fearful projections about what I will do’, and rather remain here as breath until the energy passes and I may continue to support myself in a way that is not out of self interest and self preservation, but in a way that is best for all life and within the consideration/starting point of all life as equal and one

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use other peoples short comings to self righteously justify my own fears and reactions, and self beliefs about how my fears are real and how others are wrong and thus apparently are the reason for why I am reacting – I thus commit myself to, upon reacting to others within situations where I fear losing/loss/being harmed, to stop, and breathe, and not give into my reactions and blame towards others, as I see, realize and understand that this tendency to focus others faults is the ultimate deception that looks and feels ‘so real’ in the eyes of the mind because it may have a grain of truth, yet I am fooling myself my making the association between this and how I experience myself within myself as blame – and thus I do not participate in my reactions/projections onto others as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Day 304: Scheduling and the ability to be directive

 

I have written on this point before. It is proving to me a more challenging point as I have not yet been able to actualize that which is ideal. What I have not done consistently is to be persistent on the point, although I’m persisting now – so let’s say I have not been consistently persistent lol.

 

Now I am on vacation, and although it may seem strange to be focused on scheduling and disciplining myself, the truth is that life never stops and I have spent enough tie in my life vacating reality to not be persistent about developing effective work ethic and self application through organization and scheduling. Also, the vacation is a great opportunity to start with this point.

 

How will I go about this? The main ingredient in being effective with scheduling is self honesty and that is also the biggest challenge because there will be moments where I fear to give up whatever is here in the moment because I have to stick to my schedule. Keeping up any habit requires energy, attention and time, so I fear my schedule will take time away from that which I believe I must give attention to. Here self honesty is absolutely crucial because I have to recognize that old systems that I used to survive in the past simply don’t work. For instance – being obsessive about relationships and having a partner – in the past I would obsess over this point within an underlying belief that I could be saved by others, believing that the feeling I got from being immersed in a relationship and feeling ‘loved’/’cared for’ would somehow equate into surviving and having a good life, because this is what I had observed/believed from a young age with my parents and people around me.

 

Of course it does matter to be a part of this world, to truly interact – but relationships as we know them today have becoming a way of ‘interacting within a starting point of how we are different/separate wherein we fulfill fake roles that will apparently please each other. Within such a point, the drive is to become the character I believe I must be as much as possible, as fully as possible, completely immersing my whole life in it so I can live the character in absolutely every single moment – then it must be real! This is the belief system.

 

But with regards to real interaction and real living, it is important to remember the point of quality over quantity. Some of the people who had the greatest impact on my life, who could truly touch me in the core of my being beyond any form of ‘personalized intimacy’ I have ever known, did it swiftly and with effectiveness.

 

So this is the point: effectiveness: and if I am effective with myself and my own living, I am able to be effective in my living/interaction with others, and actually give more value and real meaning to my living here among others, more efficiently and effectively, which means I can do it more, and for more people. Once again, in giving up that which I fear to lose I am in fact gaining, because I am giving myself back to myself through truly living myself, truly taking the opportunities I have been gifted, truly living to my full potential. This point resonates in a way that is also beyond words and as I have found before, I will surely become more effective with my words because rather than trying to control with words, I become the directive principle in my life and thus my words become directive as an expression of myself as the directive principle.

 

Now I will begin scheduling.

Day 257: Looking for fulfillment

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This has been an ongoing point for me for quite sometime, although through being introduced to Desteni, and being shown what I am really capable of – that I can break free of my own self limitations through self honesty and self forgiveness in writing – I have begin to see that I can stop this experience of wanting fulfillment, of yearning for something to ‘complete me’.

I experienced the beginnings of reating this experience for myself when I was younger. I would often be left to my own devices without any real forms of direction, instruction or education, and had this experience of just like ‘being here’ – kind of like boredom, but more an experience of like – there is just nothing, like is this all there really is to life?

I remember experiencing this in my late teen years, or at least an outflow of it, when I would stay up really late at night, seemingly for no reason, just entertaining myself or listening to music or looking at things on the internet – like I was looking for this experience, this something that would fulfill me, in contrast to what I had normally experienced of life.

As I mentioned, when I found Desteni – well, life got really interesting, to say the least, suddenly I started to realize that there is so, so much more to myself and life, that I had never before given value to, recognized the value of, and that giving it this recognition was the key to living a life worthwhile. I began to see what real living actually is, and for the first time, began to learn how to stop this yearning experience – because looking for fulfillment is after all a desire – I began to see what life could be like without desire…it is beyond what one can imagine, having lived in a state of perpetual desire for so long.

And yet, learning to live this way is a process, there is all this work to be done to understand how my desires how, how I have created them, rationalized them, justified them – and so they don’t just disappear so easily. If I am not careful it is easy to fall back into old pattern and before I know it, my time is wasted and oopsie! There is this desire for fulfillment, back again.

So the key to stopping this desire to really live my days to their fullest. It is really as simple as that. Within this, I do have to be realistic about moving myself this way and to not overcompensate and become obsessively goal oriented, like possessed with the desire to make money and be successul and ‘live life to the fullest’ in that sense – no, that is a recipe for burnout. But I am able to make common sense decisions, in self honesty, to support myself – prioritizing what is necessary to be done, however not within the context of survival, or fear of loss as I am so used to doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of wanting/looking for fulfillment through not giving myself/life the value and recognition it deserves in prioritizing what actually is necessary to be done in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into overdrive through being driven in life by money and fear of loss, not realizing that this is compensation for not living and only fooling myself with the feeling/illusion that I am apparently living

I forgive myself that I have not acepted and allowed myself to give myself adequate support for my process and self expansion, not only throughout my day by taking care of daily responsibilities, but also ensuring that the proper amount of time is set aside for me to be able to support myself, investigate myself and do the necessary writing/work to expand myself

I commit myself to fulfill myself by living to my full potential, both through taking care of daily responsibilities, but also prioritizing in self honest common sense, what matters, what is relevant to my process and also giving myself the time and space necessary to support myself through writing and whatever other means necessary to support the physical and support myself to understand myself – standing-under and within myself as who I really am 

When and as I see myself going into overdrive as a heightened/excited state of mind were I am stimulated and having thoughts – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand how my energy I am experiencing is in fact a form of anxiety driven by fear of loss as the desire for money, and thus I see in the moment how my particular thoughts are specifically influenced/dictated by money and the drive to get money, and thus I no longer accept and allow myself to be driven by the desire for money as survival/fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 249: Fear of going to hell

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Before I get this blog started I just wanted to say: It is so important to prioritize oneself and give oneself the assistance and support self requires. We find all kinds of reasons/excuses to not do this, but it is really the point that everyone requires and that this world requires in order to make this world a place that is best for all life – self support, self intimacy, self honesty, self forgiveness, self love. The difference it makes in my life to do this – and make sure I always have time to do this and to do it right, meaning to really make the effort to explore oneself as how self experience self, as the thoughts, emotions, feelings, habits, patterns we experience – is massive.

Now onto todays point. I had a massive fear overtake me, when I thought about how it is possible that things I have done in my past could come back to hurt me. I was going to say ‘haunt’ me, but that is really the case as I am already haunted by memories as past experiences that have shaped who I am today. I mean like, people being angry with me for mistakes I have made in the past, maybe even being physically affected/harmed. But I mean, what is the point of such a fear? If it happens, it happens – why would it be relevant as a fear in my mind?

All fear leads to one place – giving up – and this process is really about changing yourself and doing what is best for all life, unconditionally – risking everything to make sure I have done everything I possibly could to make this world a place that is best for all life. Because while I do fear what could happen in this life, it is what happens at death that I fear most: having to face myself at the end of my days knowing that I have forsaken life. I have experienced regret enough times to know that it is inevitably and inescapable. Knowing this – that consequence is inescapable in some form or another – only drives me to further ensure that I am effective in my process and making a real difference.

In fact, what I fear is what billions of beings on earth are experiencing, which is extreme pain and suffering – because there is a deep awareness that by living a life of self interest/desire, I am in fact creating and sustaining those conditions and inflicting them on others, and thus I fear this being done unto me because it is what I am doing unto others.

I also had an experience today where I got excited about another new job where I will be making decent money. There is definitely a point of ego attached to this and this is going to have to stop, because such a point is actually based in inferiority and let’s face it: the money I am making is not mine, nothing of this world and how it really functions makes anything ‘mine’, in reality. I will have to give it all up eventually. Are we so stupid that we will actually blind ourselves from this inevitability and just pretend it isn’t true and just go “fuck it – weeeeeee!” and ‘enjoy the ride while it lasts’ of having money and privilege? Within this, we do not realize that the greater we escape reality, living life as if it is some joy ride, the harder the fall back to reality will be in the end.

It is fascinating that the 2 most prominent point I experienced today were a fear, and a desire – they are really 2 sides of the same coin.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am living this life ‘for me’ and within this, get excited about ‘my life, my money, my success, my pleasures, my entertainment, my excitement, my stuff, my anything’ – as the belief that I could actually ever own anything, as if I will be here forever – not realizing that I am here for a limited amount of time to learn a lesson – how to give to all life as myself, as equal and one, to finally learn what it is to be life as one and equal to this existence, even within the limitations of the physical body design.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the fear of being hurt in this life or having any kind of bad experience, whether in the physical body or at death, is in fact the fear of loss within the awareness that I am existing in self interest in spite of life

Thus I commit myself to stop living in a way that is based on my own desires as fears, as the desire to be successful, to have money, power, status, sex, attention, or anything of this nature, as I see, realize and understand that I am here on this earth for one reason only – to stand up from that which I have accepted and allowed of myself to become and in fact learn what it means to honor life as one and equal to and as life

I commit myself to identify points where I am still allowing desire to continue and why I am allowing it to continue and what the rational/justification/fear/belief is behind it so that I can live without fear and truly make the most of this time I have ben given on earth to make this world a place that is best for all life as myself, one and equal

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the tendency to want to have others understand me, which is still a way of enabling/maintaining my self interest as the desires I have created and rather stick to the principles of self honesty and self forgiveness in application as breath

I commit myself to apply myself unconditionally, no matter what the threat, what the fear of loss or hurt is, and risk everything to honor life as what it means to in fact stand up for life with real integrity and dedication – as if I were in the shoes of another who desperately requires help as billions of people/animals are in trouble, I would want those who are able to, to stand for me

Hell is already here on earth, folks. Time to stop what we have allowed and create ourselves anew.

Day 245: What is the context of our personal challenges?

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No matter what goes on in this world and how bad things get, we humans are a stubborn lot and we just don’t seem to learn, just can’t seem to manage to figure out that message that guys like Jesus left us 2000 years ago to love our neighbours as ourselves. It seems like this system of control that we have created for ourselves to keep us blind, dumb and stupid to what is really going on in this world. It’s December now and here in Canada masses of people will be busy brainwashing themselves with the illusion of created with Christmas with feelings of love while the worlds plight descend to a new low. What magnificent beings of love and light we are.

Is it really so hard to see what is going on? Are we really so weak and pathetic that we can’t even stand to look at ourselves and reality in the face? Are we really so evil that we can continue living lives of hedonism and self interest and turn a blind eye, not implicating ourselves as equal contributors to the mess that this world is in?

Everyone has it within themselves to rise to these challenges – and the world will become a more and more challenging place to exist in – but it is like people we have allowed ourselves to become so weak, so disconnected from ourselves, we have given our power away to ‘higher powers’ (whatever form each person’s ‘higher power’ comes in is variable) so extensively that standing up for life, literally looks impossible. Imagine that – brainwashing that is so effective and pervasive that we actually believe that making this world into a place that is best for all life is impossible. We have come to love our self abuse, our plight – we identify with it, we believe it is us, just because it is all that we’ve ever known.

This pathology of weakness carries on and on and we spend our lives running from reality, doing whatever it takes to not have to consider and investigate what is really going on in this world. That is why every now and then, some trauma is quite useful, as life’s way of showing you what the fuck is really up. What happens in situations of trauma? We can either fold and crawl back under a rock with our tails between our legs – or we can sand up. Have you ever had a tough experience in life, a cold, hard dose of reality, and realized that you simply have to act, to stand up? I mean, what else is there to do?

I understand how hard it is to change. I understand how difficult it is to get out of your own illusion. I understand how hard it is to give up the things you think you like, that give you that nice little feeling of happiness that we’re so addicted to. I am challenged by it everyday and my past habits/patterns/addictions echo with me every day in my mind as waning thoughts that gradually decrease in intensity every time that I do not accept and allow myself to participate in them. We are our own worst enemies, and within that, we are a threat to life. While giving up your self interest and learning to honor life seems like such a difficult thing – what is it worth to you, to stop the suffering that exists in this world? How important are your little vices and preferences and belief when compared to the absolutely monolithic scale of suffering that is taking place on earth, without anyone even really noticing or caring? The petty shit we constantly preoccupy ourselves with is really nothing when you see what it really going on 

There are consequences to all of this. We are in big shit. I mean, really big shit. We may as well give up everything now because it is going to be taken away from us sooner or later. Everyone dies, but not everybody is prepared to die. We will have to give up everything inevitably, and yet no one wants to give up everything. How stupid is that? And yet we cling onto the illusion that we can hold onto it all and that we can even ‘own’ it – ownership being a form of human delusion unto itself – not realizing that the more we cling on, the more we lose, the more we lose ourselves to an illusion, and then we just become losers. Addicted to the happy feelings and thought that we believe to be so real, like a ‘loser’ drug addict – it really makes people pathetically weak. Do we actually believe money will save us? Do we actually believe that positive thinking and happy feelings with save us? We know they are all fleeting. We’ve all experience this. And yet, we just don’t seem to get it. 

The best trauma for all of this is breath – stop the illusions that exist in your mind as your thoughts,, feelings and emotions, because they are just fear anyways. It is a ‘pro-active’ way of facing the inevitable end, because rather than having things end horribly as an experience because you’re being forced to give up your illusions, you are rather doing it for yourself, slowly but surely – not to mention that in the meantime, you are learning about life and how to care for life and how to enjoy life – and not even to mention making this place a better place for all other life, if that is at all on your radar.

This post is not meant to judge, because we ALL do this in some capacity of another. It is a reminder to self of the actual seriousness and scope of what we are a part of – this all means much more than you or I, this world is much bigger than we as individuals – but perhaps we don’t see that because we have not even realize that who we really are is much bigger than who we believe ourselves to be, as the illusions we have created of ourselves in separation to life. What seems like each persons greatest most insurmountable challenge – that which they could hardly even conceive that they are capable of doing because it is apparently so beyond them – is they key to finding out who we really are as life. Challenge yourself. Challenge everything. Embrace a bit of trauma every now and again – be it from your own gentle wake up call of breath, or the harsh hand of consequence – face it all, and have fun.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand what is actually at stake with regards to my process and transcending points of self-limitation

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that process does not have to be so difficult if it is self directive, that it does not have to be a point of ‘pushing’ myself through resistances because I have given them power, but rather that I am able to simply stop, breathe, recognize what must be done, and simply walk this point in doing whatever is necessary to be done, as a simply recognition in self honesty and self trust

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others may think of me – and that I have not allowed myself to look at my own illusions to see what is really real and what is of real value/importance/priority

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid the inevitable – giving up everything and becoming part of the process that is taking place here on earth

I commit myself to stop the mind through breath and embrace all that I experience as ‘trauma’, in contrast to the illusion that I have created within/as myself as the mind – I commit myself to give myself the support I require to stop all illusions as breath and employ tools like self honesty, and self forgiveness in written word, spoken word and deed

When and as I see myself wanting to follow the mind and using excuses/justifications as to why I can apparently follow the mind without consequences – I stop, I breathe, I realize the actual context of reality that I exist within and that I am actually creating myself and my consequences as this world in every moment, and thus I do not allow myself to participate in such delusions as my thoughts, feeling and emotions

I commit myself to continue to educate myself to give myself the strength and resolve to stand as life, by giving myself the education of life – to exist here purely within/as the physical, equal and one – stopping all illusions as fear and inferiority