Tag Archives: lazy

Day 322: Wasting a moment

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Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?

 

I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.

 

Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.

 

This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all

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Day 290: “Just Keep Moving” – Persistence

Today the word persistence was brought to my intention – it is sticking with me at the moment because this is a word that I can see will be important to learn and integrate into my living, if I am going to ever really create the life that is best for all life. It goes hand in hand with consistency, another important point that has been difficult for me to learn and integrate in my process – perhaps I have not been persistent enough to be consistent.

Another reason why this word struck a chord for me is that my mind interferes with my process a whole fucking lot – meaning, even though the process is about stopping the mind, I have been using it for so long that I do not necessarily always see myself and from what starting point I am acting from, so I will tend to make the mistake of trying to solve my problems with the mind, even by turning ideas of stopping the mind into mind systems that misdirect me – do you still follow me? It’s a tricky situation, because I have a tendency to constantly judge things and the more I think and judge, the less I see that I am judging and try to use judgments as thoughts to try and direct myself/my world – not a recommended way.

I have seen the importance within this of doing physical work – or in other words, living, but it is living without the mind, being here as just a physical being, directing myself in the moment without my mind influencing me and using physical actions to support myself, such as for instance writing.

This is where persistence is require, because it is so easy to just get lazy. To just sit there and think, and every moment that I spend not moving myself, not directing myself, not doing an activity that is specifically supportive to me within the context of my process – is another moment accumulated thinking. I often trap myself into sitting around and thinking by believing that ‘rest and quiet is what I need’ (doing nothing) because apparently I need it, or I am not ready, or I can’t do it, or what if I fail? – these are the excuses I use with myself.

But I noticed something very interesting today. Today was a day where I scheduled myself to be very busy, where, from 8am to 5pm, I had a number of different things to do which all took maybe 30 minutes to 2 hours each. Because of this constant movement, and essentially ‘having no time to stop and think’, I had to simply live – and it was rather cool. I can see the difference in my beingness, my awareness, when I have spent time living in the mind versus when I have spent time really living as just a physical being – the latter is really a cool experience, the former, not cool at all.

So I see that the key to supporting myself is to be persistent with myself – to push myself to move, to live, no matter what – and that this does not need to be a stressful or difficult experience. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the things that I have to do during the day and this is another reason for sometimes giving up on myself and stalling/thinking/procrastinating. But I can only live one moment at a time – an old cliché – once again, the answers to life are so simple – they only require to be lived and applied in a world where the mind complicates everything.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind to move me and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be persistent in moving myself in every single moment, through the fear of living and the fear of failure or making a mistake – I allow me to move me and live here, without self doubt, fear or any form of mind interference as thought – I commit myself to, when and as I see myself in moments where I am stagnant/not moving/not working towards something, to recognize such moments and immediately find a point within which I can move myself – and to not further stall by trying to decide which point to do or how it will be done or any other form of mind projecting – but to simply, stop thinking, breathe, and move myself onto the next activity in the moment.

 

Day 267: Laziness and energy flow

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Throughout this process, sometimes I feel frustrated because I have worked on a point so much, and applied myself to change on this point – and yet may still fall from time to time. I feel like “I have figured this shit out, I know what it’s all about, I know how it works – why do I still fall? What am I missing here?

I have lived a life where basically I was given no real value or support to develop self expression, and in absence of that I developed a shell of a life, a shell of a ‘me’, a fake me to replace the real me to give myself an experience of having lived or having value. That is not life – that is energy and that is what most people seem to be doing to some degree or another – looking for the next high, the next happy experience of themselves. We are hellbent on this feeling that we perceive to be happiness.

Through this ‘fake me’ I have developed, I have developed all kinds of bad habits where the personality lives itself out to get this higher experience of itself – it is basically just ego. In a way these habits are really just a form of laziness, because it is so easy to just fall back into old habits and never have to act/work to live myself, to take on new experiences and self development – that takes far more work/action. As I remember hearing years ago through Desteni portal interviews: laziness is a drug. I see now the practicality and implications of these words more than ever.

I need to be realistic about the fact that stopping these habits take time and absoluteness. They require an absoluteness in my resolve to stand and stop these habits/patterns – both the bigger patterns and the smaller. The smaller points seem insignificant, like I can just let them ‘slide’ and they will be of no consequence or if there is a consequence it will apparently be minor and I can ‘handle it’.

But the fact is that these points begin what could be called a flow of energy. I saw this word ‘flow’ used in this way recently, to explain the accumulation of energy that is built up when we give into seemingly insignificant moments of weakness and desire, and it is a useful word in that its shows how the momentum of the energy is already moving, and from another blog I recently read it was pointed out to me how something that is moving is hard to stop, the more momentum and force it has. 

Seems obvious doesn’t it? Yet we always miss the obvious. So it is best that I not fool myself when I am playing with the fire of energy as seemingly small/harmless habits, thinking that I can handle it, because these are the points that inevitably lead to a big fuckup.

We tend to believe that we are in charge, that we are the masters of our domain – this is simply not so, but rather that voice in our head that tells us this is ego, stepping forth in place of your actual self to deceive you so that you don’t change and it can keep getting what it wants, like an drunk person believing they are in fine condition to drive. 

And there are so many ways to justify it: “just this one time, just a bit, I can handle it, I am stressed, I need to relax, I’m in a bad mood, this will cheer me up!” But as I have mentioned about my past history, these habits and the desire to give into these habits have been formed purely as a compensation for not having lived – replacing the experience of living a life of self value and self expression with a bundle of addictive behavior habits/patterns that give me an energetic experience which I have come to trust and call happiness.

So, this shit is going to take time, coupled with strictness and consistency in terms of what I will or will not allow. It will take time and consistency to stop the habits and to even first establish the new tools/support systems as consistent and unwavering, until they are natural and automated.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is the fuel of personality and with energy, the personality has a certain flow, and that this energy as personality will flow more when I give it more energy, and that this personality is not in fact me but a demonic entity that exist within me that drives me to the brink of my own possessions/obsessions as fears/beliefs/desires and that to give into even a single thought of desire is to build and accumulate energy which fuels the flow of the mind

 

Thus I commit myself to be strict in not giving into thoughts/moments of desire as I see, recognize and understand that it is only through these small moments that I am able to either damn myself or set myself free, and thus when and as I see thoughts of desire arise – I immediately stop, breathe and let go, to keep breathing if they are persistent until the energy has stopped, and as the energy has dissipated and been diffused through breath I am then able to move me, to express me, to live me a new and see who I am in these new moments of opportunity where I am no longer controlled, influenced and directed by my own weaknesses as thoughts of desire.

Day 246: Being a hardliner

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It is important within this process to understand that the mind has a will of its own, and that will is not in alignment with who we really are as physical beings (= you are your own worst enemy). Throughout the day, having interactions with other people, watching things, reading – there are all kinds of things that we do and participate in that stimulate the mind into thoughts, and we are not even necessarily aware that this is happening all the time – in fact more often than not, we are not aware of this point.

The mind gets ‘messy’ – meaning that all this stimulation and thinking affects your physical performance. I find that I am not nearly as efficient when I ‘let this point slide’ of being stimulated, and not grounding myself within the point of being stimulated. There is always something fun to do, that feels nice, that is entertaining, that takes you away from reality and further into that place of mental stimulation – and as long as the mental stimulation has a positive charge as the ‘things you like’ or ‘your special interests’, then it just ‘feels good’ to give into it. It is a slippery slope for this reason, and also the fact that our world is set up in such a way where we are so over-saturated with entertainment – everywhere you look, someone is trying to get a reaction out of you so that you will like their shit.

Messages of real value are not entertaining – they are enriching in the truest sense that you actually learn and grow from them. Do you learn and grow from things you already know and like? Of course not, you stagnate – but as long as it feels nice, who cares, right?

Depends on how you want to experience yourself. Depends if you like living a life of mediocrity and never being satisfied with yourself and your world because you did not allow yourself to live to your full potential you instead allowed yourself to be weak and give into temptation.

So this is an important point as I see all the stimulation from my day today, having accumulated and all of a sudden – there is resistance to blogging, to studying, my focus isn’t as sharp as it normally could be, etc. The need to draw lines for myself becomes important here. I mean, it is important to be self-directive and give yourself a reality check once in a while and ask ‘what am I actually doing right now? Is it conducive to the live I would like to live and the potential/goals I would like to reach? What is the practical support value of what I am allowing myself to engage in, or desiring to engage in? Is it making me better? What will it lead to?

Thus – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to direct myself in the moment and support myself with breath and self assessment as to whether I am in fact living, or just allowing myself to be moved/influenced by energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘let things slide’ because I am having a ‘good time’ with another, justifying this point of distraction/diversion from what is important within the idea that I am learning or growing or making connections – not realizing within this that I am able to be directive with others in terms of making the most out of my time with them, which does not have to equate to spending loads of time ‘shooting the shit’ with them

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to set goals for myself in terms of what I want to accomplish in a days work and within this, use time as a tool/guideline to support myself within the practical realization that there is only a limited amount of time to be able to live and do all that I want to do

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to set strict boundaries for myself – even if I am having ‘free time’ – that I have not accepted and allowed myself to set boundaries and limits to free time in self-honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself in my starting point and who I am within engaging in something and thus assessing whether or not I am just giving into the slippery slope of good feelings and energy, or if I am actually being self directive

I commit myself to set boundaries as time limits/timeframes/timelines to ensure that I do not waste time and get lost in the mess of thoughts, feelings and emotions from stimulating myself through interactions and forms of entertainment

I commit myself to check in periodically within myself, based on the need to in the moment see if I am in fact moving myself and directing myself in activities that support me and allow me to grow/expand, or if I am just following old patterns of getting lost in stimulation as entertainment 

I commit myself to walk myself in self honest common sense to live a life of excellence through setting boundaries and goals for myself wherein I walk a new path of self expansion

I commit myself to be directive in my interaction with others, both within myself and thus outwardly as well, to ensure that interaction is effective, useful and supportive – giving up within this desire to simply ‘have fun’ and get lost in good feelings while entertaining each other