Tag Archives: others

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

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Day 315: Daily self forgiveness: using the faults of others to justify my reactions

To those who spend their time looking for the faults in others: Quote About Spend Time Looking Faults Others

Just a quick post for today.

 

Today I had some experiences wherein I was becoming mildly frustrated with ‘the incompetence, bullshit and mischievous ways’ of others – apparently. It is fascinating because as much as I am able to blame others for how I experience myself, they are not ‘making me’ feel anything – everything I experience internally is about no one and nothing but myself.

 

The tricky part is how the mind uses real things in physical reality to justify and further ‘make real’ that which I am experiencing within myself. Sure, perhaps those who I was dealing with were incompetent, bulshitting and being mischevious, but by focusing on this I am overlooking the real point: the issue was over money, and within dealing with a point about money, fears of mine came up – ‘what ifs’ – which are points of self-doubt that the ego uses so cleverly to again ‘make real’ it’s own desires and beliefs. The only reason I experienced any irritation, frustration and therefore blame/judgment towards others, is because of the fears that dealing with money bring up

 

So the point here is to stop all reactions/projections/desires related to money and what the point of money really brings up: fear of loss.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lose my things and be ‘cheated’ out of having things: money and possessions, and therefore one day find myself ‘without’ and ‘in trouble’ because I have nothing on which to survive – I commit myself to remain here within and as breath when and as this fear arises, as I see, realize and understand that I am only able to do what I am able to do within the necessity to survive and nothing more, and that to ‘over blow’ this point by acting out of fear and thus resorting to mind-tactics to be able to survive such as attacking others or intimidation – I stop, breathe, and do not allow myself to participate in my reactions and fearful projections about what I will do’, and rather remain here as breath until the energy passes and I may continue to support myself in a way that is not out of self interest and self preservation, but in a way that is best for all life and within the consideration/starting point of all life as equal and one

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use other peoples short comings to self righteously justify my own fears and reactions, and self beliefs about how my fears are real and how others are wrong and thus apparently are the reason for why I am reacting – I thus commit myself to, upon reacting to others within situations where I fear losing/loss/being harmed, to stop, and breathe, and not give into my reactions and blame towards others, as I see, realize and understand that this tendency to focus others faults is the ultimate deception that looks and feels ‘so real’ in the eyes of the mind because it may have a grain of truth, yet I am fooling myself my making the association between this and how I experience myself within myself as blame – and thus I do not participate in my reactions/projections onto others as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

Day 312: Always give the integrity you expect from others

(This post was written with regard to a reaction of anger and frustration I had towards another persons behavior recently, as I judged them as ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘secretive’, fearing what they might possibly do to me)

So about my reaction. It was so strong and intense. It was all about control and being pissed off about ambiguity. The desire to control is pattern, I am seeing. Due to my reaction, it was difficult to write with any clarity, I was completely fucked and the things I was writing were taking things way too far.

What is this control and desire to control about? It is about the fear of ‘what could happen’ – that ‘what if’ fear. It is the fear of what others could do to me. And that is, in a way, just the fear of myself and what I could do to others. It is just memories that haunt me, which have me in this permanent state of paranoia, and before I know it, I am already ready to ‘strike at others’, whether that is anticipating being hurt and how I would strike back, or whether being preemptive of this fear of being hurt my others.

Why is self preservation all that matters? If I did not exist this way, would the ‘what if’ possibility of what others could potentially to do me be of any concern? No. Just the same way it would be pointless to live in constant fear of being hit my a bus. Sure it could happen, it COULD. Does it matter? Not really. Because who I am is all that matters, as it determines how I experience myself for as long as I am here.

What I fear is my own self interest – because, even if faced with the evil of another, how can I possibly trust myself to direct the outcome in a way that is best for all, if I have not transcended the same evil myself?

The ego takes this ‘what if fear’ and projects it very deceptively onto others. But if I give up that which I desire that exist as self interest – what is there to fear of others really? What is there to lose? I just end up becoming intolerant of others because of these fears, I create desires and expectations about what others should be. But as someone said to me once: “always give the level of integrity that you expect.” And – save for situations where it is proven that I am being outright abused by another – this holds true. Nothing else matters and to ‘risk everything’ (in the eyes of the mind/fear) is what will be necessary to give such a thing.

This will be a brief post for tonight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what others can do to me, not realizing that this is in fact the fear of myself as how I am existing, and within this fear, that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control others through placing expectations of how others should be, and that I have rather not accepted and allowed myself to be that which I would like/desire others to be, as I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is the only way to create that which is best for all – to risk everything and live as the example

I commit myself to take self responsibility for myself first and foremost and to investigate and stop my reactions towards others and my desires/expectations of what others should be – and to rather remove such controls, which are birthed in fear, through standing myself as that example and to live with the integrity that I would expect from others as I see, realize and understand that this is in fact what is best for all.

Day 311: Re-defining ignorance, part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to utilize ignorance as a way of escaping my reality and fulfilling self interest within the notion that ‘ignorance is bliss’, wherein if I just ignore my reality and remain uneducated while preoccupying myself with entertainment and useless distractions, I believe that my life and experience of myself will somehow be better, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give ignorance a positive charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use ignoring people as a weapon within an energetic experience of spitefulness wherein I use ignoring someone as a way of saying ‘fuck’ – within this I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stop and realize that I am in fact reacting towards another and that this is only out of fear of what another can do to me which is in fact just the fear of myself as how I exist within my own thoughts about others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that is in fact impossible from a certain perspective as I require to interact with others in order to exist and co-exist and that ignoring others is not the answer as that which is bothering me which I fear is not others in fact by my own thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus it is pointless to ignore others when in fact I am the creator of my experience and it is my thoughts which disturb me – not others – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ignore others within/as a point of blame and as a way of not having to face myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try and ignore my own thoughts by focusing on others and then trying to ignore others – not seeing and realizing that the only thing that is necessary to ignore is the desire to give into my own reactions/thoughts and that this is the only way that ignoring can ever be valid: ignoring the desire to ignore others and react/give into my thoughts/feelings/emotions as this is useless and not self directive

I commit myself to take self responsibility for my own thought and to not ignore them and remain ignorant to the truth of myself as my own reactions as thoughts/feelings/emotions – and within this, I commit myself to stop the tendency to ignore others as a way of believing my inner reactions to be real and believing that others are the problem, and thus the tendency to want to ignore others as a way of being spiteful/saying ‘fuck you’

when and as I see myself wanting/desiring to ignore others/my reality – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to is in fact my own fears as my thoughts/feelings emotions that may only present themselves as being about others when they are in fact about me and how I am existing and that the only solution here is to direct my attention to my own reactions and forgive/correct them, by investigating what was the reaction, what was it’s nature and what is it showing me about me, which holds the key to correcting such a point and no longer fearing others/creating the desire to ignore others – thus I take self responsibility for who I am and do not give into the desire to ignore others within blame, as this desire arises as my thoughts/feelings/emotions

I commit myself to remain here and face my thoughts and stop all tendencies to ignore my thoughts and my inner and outer reality – I remain here within the understanding that I am the directive principle/creator of how I experience myself and thus I am able to direct myself as I would like accordingly always as long as I remain here, aware, facing myself and all that is here without fear of myself, projected as the fear of others

Day 297: Directing myself = directing my reality

https://i2.wp.com/media1.annabrixthomsen.com/2012/06/we-write-to-change-the-world.jpg

I noticed an interesting point today which is that every aspect of our participation in this reality is a form of agreement – it is a stance, a statement, and expression of the principles that we are living and embody. This is the case by virtue of the fact that the human species exist as one organism as a whole, and as part of nature and the eco-system and the universe in the bigger picture. This is also so whenever we are more directly engaged/interacting with others. Most of the time it is not explicit. It is rather an intrinsic part of who we currently are as the decisions we have made as who we decide to be – what matters to us, what our values are, what we deem acceptable and unacceptable. This then resonates from us and is also reflected in our daily living – however we tend to only see the parts of each other that we would like to put on public display and don’t see the whole story. How is trust possible when this is the case?

 

The decision of who we are – what we will accept and allow ourselves to create ourselves and our world as – is critical to all other facets of our existence. What I noticed tonight is the point that everything hinges on this point – all of our interactions with others, how they will go, our participations in what we contribute to our world and thus what the world gives us in return, is all dependent on who we are. We cannot exist as one thing, and expect to experience another. We cannot expect that we will have effective relationships and effective interactions with others if we do not first establish these points with ourselves – and when we do, these relationships and experiences/interactions are essentially fake. Because then we are trying to create something – whatever we believe we want or we believe is ideal – outside of ourselves. It may last a while, but this is not the truth of ourselves and the truth always comes out sooner or later.

 

My experience and relationship with others hinges entirely on who I am. It is foolish to try and change things ‘out there’, in another person, in a relationship, in an experience. Fear is always the point that ‘pulls me in’ to trying to do this – the fear of myself is projected onto other/my situation because I have not established a point within and as myself as self certainty. It is important to first equalize myself within myself, to come to grips with and forgive my fears, before I can ever expect to experience life in the way that I really want to.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to change my reality outside of myself and from a starting point of separation as a reaction to a thought/fear/feeling/emotion – and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must first understand my reactions, stop the through understanding the point as it exist both within myself and another, allowing myself to be able to direct myself and another from a starting point of oneness, equality and understanding

 

I commit myself to – when and as I see a fear exist within me as some for of backchat/voices in the head – write on the point, establish what the point is, give it a name with clarity, and to work on this point so that my living is equal and thus the point will be directed effectively – before allowing myself to act on the point from a starting point of fear as reaction – I stop all temptation to react and breathe, allowing the energy to pass for so that I may deal with the point effectively through writing

 

Day 285: Self support when reacting to another

So today I had a negative reaction to another person in my world, for points that I observed about them that I consider to be not cool and problematic. What is interesting about observation, is that we as humans tend to project ourselves onto that which we are observing. What is even more interesting is that every human being tends to exist the same way in essence, so it can be rather confusing because: here I am in a situation where what I may be observing in another is real: yet if I am reacting to it, my reaction is not real, but rather a projection of myself of how I am actually existing within and as the same point – that is why we tend to react to others by judging and blaming them, rather than having the self directive principle through insight and understanding to be able to assist, support and direct them. So it is always important to take the point back to self, which requires the application of self honesty – identify what it is that self is reacting to, and look for where self may be living out the same points. Once this is done and self is no longer accepting and allowing self to participate in the same points, then it is possible to assist, support and direct another with effectiveness to also stop the same points for themselves. From writing in my journal about today’s experience of reacting to another, I have identified the following points, which pertain to blogs I have been writing recently which have been oriented around the tendency to want to be accepted by others and seen/viewed a particular way where I please others, within a starting point of fear and survival. Here are the points I identified in today’s writing:

Ok, so I have to clarify these points that I am reacting to: the desire to be attractive and be perceived by others as being attractive. The desire to get attention from others and have a nice experience with others. The tendency to use relationship experiences with others as a way of stagnating myself, where my starting point in interaction with others is not specific, direct or self expression, but rather just ‘looking for a good time’, and through creating the experience of ‘just having a good time’, I am drugging myself with distractions and laziness that keeps me from self movement and truly being effective with my time – additional to this, is also the point of not just moving myself because I have to, but developing that point of specificity in moment to moment management wherein each moment accumulates to a point that is practical – I mean, I have things to take care of, sort out, and get done in my time here on earth, and I have to be self honest about assessing whether or not my actions in every moment are conducive to those goals, or not.

Got to get to sleep – will continue this in the next post.

Day 284: Focusing on other people

This post is just a few self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of desiring an experience of comfort/escape/security through not being alone, and being in contact with others, focusing on others. The problem with this is that if the living of others can make you feel these positive feelings, then the living of others can also influence me negatively, if there is for instance something about their living which I can not accept because I see it as a problem. So it is fascinating how through the desire for an experience of comfort and security, we end up creating the opposite experience of uneasiness and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time within the belief/justification that “I am tired” or “I need a break” – as I realize how deceptive the mind is in getting oneself to believe that it is necessary to stop and stagnate and not initiate self movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my process is dependent on the process of others – and within this, fearing the fact that others are not actively engaging in process, and fearing having to engage them eventually inevitably when there may be some kind of disagreement or perceived differences – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear is in fact just a fear of myself not being directive enough to be as effective as possible in my process, and that I am only projecting myself as this fear and thus the solution is to stop all fear/judgment/projection of others and simply move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process – as all things – is always experienced alone, by oneself alone – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can run away and escape by utilizing others as a way of generating energy and having some kind of higher experience of myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the key to life and enjoying myself and security and being happy, is being around/with others and being in agreement with others in all things, that I have allowed myself to believe that another can save me or make me happy

I commit myself to direct myself effectively here as breath in moments where I desire to stagnate and do what is not practical within the justification/belief that I must rest or I have ‘free time’

I commit myself to, when and and as I see myself projecting myself onto others – to stop, breathe and direct myself to simply STOP and note the point immediately so I can bring it back to myself and my own life, when I have a moment to write about it – as I see, realize and understand that all concerns/judgments of this nature are always about self, and about the fear of others which is in fact the fear of how I am existing and that the desire to worry about others and focus on them is another trick of the mind to not have me direct myself and look at myself

I commit myself to direct myself as what is necessary to be done in my process in focusing on me and doing what I must do to support and direct myself, and to stop the fear of others misunderstanding/reacting badly to this

I commit myself to focus on me here in sorting myself out, and to no longer use others as some kind of ‘nice feeling safety net’ where I can escape through being with others and focusing on others, or even believing that I am sharing my process with others – that is again how tricky my mind is