Tag Archives: back doors

Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

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Day 266: Afraid of self-responsibility

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For so long I have feared the idea of standing absolutely in my process, I have feared it and believed that it is totally impossible. I remember moments of changing myself, literally breaking physical habits with other physical activities, and having an experience of like ‘omg I can’t believe I am doing this’ – totally amazed and in disbelief within the context of the belief that I can not do this. In a way I fear to be the best I can be, because I know that within my preprogrammed accepted and allowed nature, I would abuse being the best or being great in some way. I mean I feel like any desire to be great, no matter how noble sounding, is something that can be so easily converted into an act of self interest as the ultimate starting point. From this perspective, I now see that it is necessary to forgive the belief that doing what is best for all is something that is noble and good and profound and amazing and special, and simply accept it as a common sensical expression of who I am, in understanding and recognition of what life as the physical is. 

From this belief, which is really just based on a point of inferiority as a self belief, the tendency to create and keep back doors open is expected. The point is not to compensate for the inferiority and try to be superior and do more than what is realistic, because I know now that every time I get a big idea about how I’m going ti change myself and the world and its all going to be so amazing and great. Maybe it starts out well, but eventually fades as it was based on the mind and an energetic charge created by the friction of both positive and negative as inferior/superior that exist in my mind as beliefs.

I fear to support others, not in everyday life, but formally through the life-coaching course that I am taking, and not progressing at as quickly as I’d like to. My fear is that I will fall and then I will disappoint the person I am supporting – and yet by allowing this fear, it is in fact just a clever excuse to not have to commit myself and ensure that I do not fall – in acting like the fear is real and I have no control over it, I am actually just trying to find another way to stay the same and not change. This doesn’t make sense, I should be setting these priorities and goals, even if they are difficult at first, even with all the resistance, because eventually it does become easier and the past habits that hold me back become irrelevant. I am not saying that there are not real world conditions to consider, I mean I can’t be unrealistic about how much I can take on, but I know I am capable of more and this is only possible by stepping outside of my comfort zone and accepting new challenges. Every moment should be a new challenge, really.

I’ve got to be practical about process and not put the idea of quantity and doing more above doing what is necessary common sense. What is the point of writing a JTL blog if I have not done real work on myself that day and made real progress: to look good in the opinions of others?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that to stand up is something special or noble or profound which I am incapable of, due to how I had seen and defined being special and profound and noble as things that were virtually impossible to be because they were lived within a self dishonest starting point of self interest and a misunderstanding of life as one and equal – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself with both the temptation and the resistance to being good/great/noble/profound/special and simply see, realize and understand that this process is a simple process of walking with oneself in a process where I explore, uncover and discover who I am as life in every moment through breath and continuously stopping participation in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the privileges and gifts I have found myself with in this life in the name of my own fear and self interest, not realizing that these gifts are here to support me as who I really am as life as my starting point, not to support my self interest and success in terms of having money, things and status

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create back-doors in my process to not stand absolutely in moments where my ego attempts to take revenge on my by tempting me with the feeling/energetic experience I get from participating in the mind

I commit myself to stick to the simplicity of breath in terms of what I allow within myself and to stick to the common sense of not participating in activities that exist as old patterns/habits as what I participate in, in my outside world

I commit myself to stop the desire to be special

I commit myself to apply myself practically in this process in terms of putting myself first in addressing what really needs attention and ensuring that my work is relevant and effective, to not simply repeat patterns of things I know how to do already or talking about things I know already, and to rather walk my process of study, investigation, exploring, applying myself. I commit myself to never use process as a way of being special or getting attention

I commit myself to utilize the privileges and gifts I have been given to support myself in self honest common sense and to no longer abuse them in the name of self interest as the insane desire for an energetic experience of myself

I commit myself to live in such a way and make specific agreements and commitments to dedicate myself absolutely to this process, as participations/activities that ensure that I will remain here and continue to apply myself in self honesty and self forgiveness as breath

Day 237: Stepping up my application and tying up loose-ends

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The are points in my process which I have been leniently allowing and letting slide for quite some time now and it’s time to really step up my application, because even though I am able to fool myself that these points are more ‘minor’ and justify that which the idea that I have changed in the more ‘major’/significant ways, the fact is that even the tiniest fall//thought can fuck up everything and even lead to falls back into the ‘major’ points in my process. By ‘points’, here I am referring to addictions/habits/patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as which require self correction. Time to get strict about bullshit and let myself really live and have some fun.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define living as being recognized by others positively/getting positive attention from others/impulsing others to feel positive and by association of that, to recognize me positively – I forgive myself that I have for so long accepted and allowed myself to be limited/controlled/influenced/defined by the belief that I require this kind of experience to be able to survive, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience is real and always want to try and make that happy experience happen with others or to fear not having that experience with others or to fear when I am not having that experience with someone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly monitor my process by giving positive values or negative values in the form of thought/reaction/backchat to that which I have defined as ‘doing well in process and not doing well in process’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love is a positive feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not smiling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not feeling happy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn music and playing/listening to music into a crutch and a trap/limitation wherein I abuse music by using it as a way to boost my ego, as a way of compensating for my inferiorities in terms of where I lack skill/abilities/self confidence, by essentially drowning-out my reality by immersing myself in the drug of the experience I have when I listen to music and play music as an energetic experience, allowing myself tom in brief moments, be driven by a thoughts that bubble up as I am participating – I commit myself thus to watch who I am within the experience of playing music and to also be clear on my starting point as to why I am moving myself to participate in music 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life/process would be better or easier if I were in a relationship agreement with a Destonian

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my well-being and the well-being of others by allowing myself to fear not participating in energy/consciousness when interacting with other people within the belief that if I do not, others will reject me and I will not survive and have a pleasant experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to selfishly always want and desire to have an experience that is pleasurable as a form of energetic high as any form of mental experience/energy that takes me away from being here in the physical world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to qualify and judge my interactions/relationships/participations with others based on whether or not they agree with me or have the same principles as me 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define love and living as having friendship connections with others and within this, want and desire to ‘connect’ with others as friends a s form of having a positive energetic experience of myself that is like a drug of ecstacy that gives me a higher experience of myself that is experienced as positive until the energy fades and reality sets in again – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make good’ on instances in the past where relationships failed or I harbor some degree of guilt and regret and within that, want to ‘reconnect’ and forgive each other and have everything be ok between us, not realizing within this that making amends is not about the other and establishing a connection with the other, it is about who I am and correcting the nature of myself as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be directive with others when I see points come up that require assistance/support/direction by justifying what they are living as ‘cute’ and treat the point jokingly as if it is irrelevant, acceptable and a funny thing, simply because I fear to actually act and what may be involved in taking action which may challenge a being/contradict them, as I fear how the other may react or that they will not like me or they will reject me – thus I commit myself to stop allowing abuse in the name of ‘oh isn’t that cute and harmless’ and to direct that which I see as abuse/abuse in-the-making, rather than trying to support the other from a starting point of positivity, believing that I will have a better chance to convince them/support them if I am positive and make them feel good/positive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take that which I have defined as having value in my own mind based on my own self interest, and to impose it on others and insist that it has value and that they should recognize that value, as I now see, realize and understand that to present anything as ‘more than’ what it actually is in fact (but rather as a personalized value judgment/opinion) is actually brainwashing, no matter how well intended it may seem or how much I believe in the value I have given to that which I am sharing, as any form of presenting something as ‘the gospel’/special/profound/more than what it really is, is always indoctrination, deception and brainwashing 

I commit myself to stop feeding my mind energy in all of the smaller addictions that I have already identified in my life but have not completely let go of because I have deemed them as ‘small’ and ‘insignificant’ and thus being apparently ‘harmless’

I commit myself to stop making/looking for an energetic experience in my interpersonal relationships with other people, in my daily activities of watching videos, reading or writing, when playing the drums, when talking to my girlfriend, friends and family, with animals, the animal kingdom, nature, with anything in this reality with which I am creating some kind of energetic experience/relationship to 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anger is not real as anger is just energy which always fades in time and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others being mad at me and this madness being real/everlasting, when in fact, it is not who they are and can never be real as who they are

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within my fear of survival and desire to survive/have everything be ok/have positive experience and interactions with others in my world, I am in fact miss others completely and not seeing who they really are at all, and in no way considering them as life as equals as how they in fact exist and are experiencing themselves and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve have accepted and allowed myself to neglect others who require assistance and support just as I require assistance and support

I commit myself to stop all fear as self interest as the fear of surviving/others and to thus stop neglecting myself and others as life as who we really are