Tag Archives: personal growth

Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?


Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality

Day 231: Challenges


As long as I am walking in this process I will be challenged, because this process is about giving up self definition and the patterns/habits that I am living which feed the mind as the amalgamating point of all self definitions – my ego. As long as self interest exists, then transcending these personal habits/patterns is always going to be a challenge, until no self interest exist and self movement is natural and familiar, without resistance.

We tend to not like being challenged, not hearing the things we want to hear, not being able to do the things we want to do – why? Because those things are feeding that self interest, they are giving the mind the energy it needs to be able to continue to believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’. So it is really challenging stuff and I am going to have to get better at setting challenges for myself, recognizing challenges in my life, and to begin embracing challenges as opportunities to really live – however within the consideration/understanding that this is going to be new, it is going to be uncomfortable, it is going to be difficult.

In my experience embracing moments of challenge I have noticed that these are the real moments of personal growth and transcendence. Not making things unnecessarily difficult for myself as I have in the past, but simply recognizing that ‘this is what has to be done – and I’m sticking to it’.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to set specific challenges for myself and to meet those challenges as a matter of personal growth, and simply enjoying life/living by living to my full potential/the drive towards living to my full potential

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this process is going to be a constant challenge and from this perspective, that process is one big never-ending challenge where even the attacks and fuck-ups of other people become a form of support to challenge my standing and see where there is still work to be done

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on my own challenges and stick to these points before attempting to go out into the world and help other people – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the point of wanting/desiring to help other people as a way of not staying challenged

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forget my starting point and why I am really doing this – which is to honor life and live a life without regrets – in the moments where things feel very challenging and I have the experience of wanting to give up

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, feel and believe that any challenge is too great for me to overcome, not taking into consideration that this view is from a perspective of limitation which was previous allowed my myself and thus this view is not valid as it does not take into consideration that it is influenced by circumstances of previous allowances and thus to even see these previous allowances of self limitation, I must walk through the point of self limitation through walking points of challenge to the ultimate/transcendence

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how engaging in challenging myself on a personal level is the key to living with ease at in interpersonal level and in my culture/society

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stymie my process of learning/transcending through challenges by wanting to get things done faster/instantly/easier/without resistance, by wanting the ‘difficult’ experience of being challenged to instantly be over and gone – within this, not allowing myself to become comfortable within the point of moving through challenges  through becoming comfortable with what is already automated behavior and wanting to stick with automated behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to stick to things/activities/tasks/work that is easier than doing new things/being challenged because they are automated things and thus can be done with ease – not taking into consideration how I will be dissatisfied/angry with myself for not having fully lived/grown/experienced myself and life

I commit myself to set realistic challenges for myself

I commit myself to identify and embrace moments/experience where my belief system/self identity/any aspect of my value system is challenged so that I may be clear on what I am accepting and allowing within myself to ensure that what I am accepting and allowing is in fact not a form of self-deceit as self definition but rather that which is best for all life, as a self that is not based on ideas/perceptions/beliefs/opinions

I commit myself to embark on challenges and learn to enjoy the unpredictability of the experience of being challenged and undergoing living experiences where I respond to the challenge

I commit myself to – in moments of feeling that challenges are too great/not fun/impossible/not preferable – to breathe, to not give into such thoughts/feelings/emotions by participating in them/acting on them, and rather move as breath, slowly but surely if necessary

When and as I see myself wanting to get things done faster/move past a challenge because I feel it isn’t working/isn’t working fast enough/won’t work fast enough – I stop, I breathe, I give myself the gift of time and patience through moving as breath and walk at whatever speed may be necessary to make sure that I am focused and do whatever is necessary to be done, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it seems