Tag Archives: self improvement

Day 322: Wasting a moment

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Today I am experiencing this feeling of being ‘lost’. I feel tired now, because it is late and I didn’t get as much sleep last night as I am accustomed to. I did not accomplish nearly as much as I would have liked to today, because I gave into an old habit/desire of mine that really threw me off of my own self-directive principle. So now I am here late at night feeling regretful, as if I have wasted most of my day, like I have done almost nothing. I have done some things, but not nearly as much as I’d like to. When every day is not an improvement on the last, where I have not made progress and built on the days before, where I have not pushed myself to be more and do more: this is a loss for me. Every day should be an improvement on the last – otherwise what is the point of being here with this time on earth?

 

I gave into this habit, telling myself ‘I could handle it’, ‘I could recover and just carry on with my day’ – but something was different after I fell back into this habit, like I changed. Within allowing myself to fall back into this habit, I made the statements that: “this habit is more than me, I can just give into my desires, I don’t need to direct myself, I don’t need to stay focused, I don’t need to care about the lives of others and this world, my self interest is more important”. As a result there is a small experience of regret. How many beings in this world suffered and died unnecessarily today? Untold, countless amounts.

 

Within the mind/ego, where my self interest is the most important thing, I am completely separated and cut off from this reality. So by indulging in the alternate reality I am making a statement where I essentially give momentum and power to the mind, which becomes very difficult to then move against. As I was told a long time ago, “you can’t do two things at once”.

 

This is what makes process so difficult at times, this is what makes becoming a better person so challenging: you have to make the decision absolutely and walk it in every moment. In this moment of disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself, all I can do is forgive what I have allowed, learn from it, and move on – and not judge myself for falling, because it is our resolve to be better – in the face of all the evidence that ‘it is impossible’ – that will truly define us as worthy beings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have wasted a moment and taken my time for granted, by allowing myself to fall to a desire and neglected how reality and making/living a decision actually functions: as a process of accumulation – by believing that I can fall and somehow recover from it and be the same afterwards, not taking into consideration what I am allowing, and thus the consequences and how difficult it will then be to recover from it, and that this recovery process is a difficult, not cool experience – I commit myself to not give up moments, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant, as I see, realize and understand the principle of accumulation and momentum, and that to truly make progress I must treat all moments equally in not squandering the moments, and equally using all moments as my opportunity to forge a life that is best for all

Day 298: Removing energetic attachments to process

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Currently I am on holiday and am getting a bit of a break from all the stimulation of being engaged in the matrix – work, school, friends, family etc. – so I am able to just come to my computer and write out points as they come up. On three separate occasions I ended up writing about the same essential point, which is process itself (my process of self change through self forgiveness and self corrective application).

 

The first writing was with regards to the positive/negative relationship that I have developed with process, where I allow my process to be limited and controlled by energetic charges, still trying to get some form of stimulation within my process and justify the stimulation as being necessary and real through the belief that this is how I must move myself, that there can only be self/movement as progress in my process if it is energy based:

 

on the ‘negative side’: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be intense in order to affect change, meaning that I must use some kind of energy such as anger or vengefulness or contempt as my motivation for affecting change, not realizing that within such a starting point I am only existing as energy and thus change is not real but rather just another way to get energy and live/experience myself as a high, as the mind is so insidious and tricky that it will justify this kind of behavior as rational and good because apparently it makes some kind of change happen, when this is not in fact so

 

on the positive side: I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘be in a good place’ mentally where I feel good and satisfied before I can work on myself/my process/affect any kind of change, or that things must be perfect in my life or everything has to ‘be right’ or that I must have certain wants/demands met before I allow myself to work on myself and affect any real change, believing that I need or require to be stimulated into some kind of positive experience as the experience of positive energy to be able to move myself, as this is just another way for the mind to justify getting what it wants under the guise of ‘doing something good/positive’

 

I commit myself to not move myself in my process according to energy as positive/negative feelings and to no longer depend on energy for self movement, but rather to breathe through energy and not act on it, even if it is presenting itself/justifying itself as being ‘for the better’/’for change’, I do not follow such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions and simply breathe through the energy

 

the second entry:

 

process doesn’t ‘feel good’ for the mind because in essence you are constantly correcting and disproving the mind, and the mind as ego doesn’t like to be wrong – what is then experienced as being ‘hurt’ and ‘unpleasant’ is actually allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow as the point is then opened up once the illusions of my mind are shattered, which is experienced as this perception of ‘feeling hurt’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in process by existing within/as the desire for positive energy wherein I place the condition on my living/application that process must ‘feel good’ as an energetic experience, within the belief that good feelings are what is important in life and that process as self improvement/change should somehow be a positive feeling experience – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make this association and within it, stop myself when facing points that I experience as ‘difficult’ or ‘being hurt’, especially in contrast to this belief, and within this not realizing that the bad feelings, which are essentially just a form of fearing change/tricking myself into not changing, is not real and just another trick of the mind experienced as ‘feeling hurt’/’feeling wronged’ by another, and I no longer allow myself to use this justification as self sabotage/self limitation as I see, realize and understand that this energy is not real but just the mind not wanting to accept the truth and lose illusions, unwilling to accept this experience of ‘being hurt’ and unwilling to support myself to breathe through this experience and keep moving

 

I commit myself to, in the moment that I am experiencing negative energy as the experience of being ‘hurt’ by others/’having my feelings hurt’, to stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is a trick of the mind as ego to stop self from moving forward through the justification that I don’t want to have negative experiences, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am able to breathe through such experiences as they are not real, and just the mind fearing to lose itself/lose illusions – and thus when I experience this, I stop the fear through breath and keep moving in humbleness and humility

 

third entry:

 

feeling ‘stumped’ investigating words: I was not able to tell whether or not the word ‘process’ carried a positive energetic charge – but when I ‘talk it out’, it is like ‘of course it is good, how could process ever not be good?’ and then I realized ‘well, it is difficult as hell sometimes and not experienced as good!’ – so already I am seeing here how the word can easily get polarized – I also see how in looking at how I view this word, I was actually just trying to view it again, rather than looking at my actual experience of it, meaning: how am I living this word? How am I experiencing it n real time? And this is where reality sets in: I experience process as all kinds of things – specifically, I experience it positively as an idea in the mind, because process is like, awesome, right? lol. And then in reality I experience it as difficult and arduous. So the arithmetic here is quite simple. I am creating the negative experience in reality through the positive experience/definition that I have created within/as the mind – process requires no positive connotation/energetic charge, because after all, process is just common sense. It is who I am and the process of self discovery wherein I remove the layers of systems that limit me and see who I really am – and thus process can in reality carry no positive connotation because it is simply who I am – and thus if I am to live process for real, no connotations/positive energetic charges may be allowed to exist

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have given process/applying myself in process a positive energetic charge/connotation as I see, realize and understand that my process is an expression of who I really am and simple, obvious common sense as the necessity to express myself as who I really am

 

Thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe where and when I see myself defining/believing/judging process to be a ‘good thing’/positive thing as if it were some kind of tool/commodity for the mind/ego, as I see, realize and understand the common sense of process and that if I continue doing it from a starting point of believing that it is good/positive, I am in fact making process more difficult to effect in my reality because I believe it will be fun (as the mind experience fun as energy) when in fact it is just straightforward physical work/application and carries no energetic charge, and thus I am simply setting myself up for disappointment as this experience will feel negative in contrast to the positive experience that I created in the mind which I then believe/expect process to be – I stop all judgments of process as they arise as my thoughts

Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?

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Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality

Day 193: Improving my performance at work


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my job due to not performing up to expectations, within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to fear losing my job due to lack of performance implies that I do not believe that I am capable of performing up to standard or doing what it takes to learn how to perform up to standard

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others such as my boss or students when my ego is hurt because I am challenged for something being inadequate which must be improved or corrected – not realizing that this is in fact an opportunity to improve myself if I allow myself to be humble and let go of the fear of not being perceived as perfect

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to present myself to others as perfect

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to question others around me/my situation/my world, in terms of them being ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘not dependable’, simply because I fear change/looking at myself/being challenged/being exposed, and within this believing that my success and experience is dependent fully on where I am/my situation/others around me, not realizing that it is me that determines who I am and thus what my experience is in a particular environment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to push others to realize their own potential in terms of gently finding ways to impulse them and sometimes being patient with them – within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘they are not capable/they don’t want to do it/if I make them, they will not like me’ to justify my own giving up on my effort to encourage and prompt my students

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to form opinions about teaching and learning in a scramble to defend my ego because I feel threatened and thus my survival comes into question at a subconscious level

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, worrying about what I will only DO to improve my experience at work, not realizing that my experience/performance is based on who I am, both inside and outside of work and thus to improve my experience/performance at work I must improve the person I am as my habits and behavior outside of work as the two points are not mutually exclusive – I am the same person no matter where I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it will be too boring if I only have conversation at my work with my students, not realizing that just because my initial efforts to do conversation are slow and quiet, does not mean that it will continue this way and that even if it is to improve, the only way is to push the point and insist on speaking and explaining the things necessary to speak

When and as I see myself wanting to give up on my students/not put in the work to encourage them to speak – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am projecting myself onto them as the belief that they are not capable, as my own self belief of not being capable because there is an element of the unknown in trying, with no certain outcome – and yet if I give up, there is a certain outcome of failure – and thus I do not participate in the desire to give up and the justifications I have made for it as they arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – rather I direct myself here from a starting point of breath as silence and embrace the unknown within the certainty of self movement in any situation, with any interaction, and any participant

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others and justify my inadequate performance – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is in fact me wanting to resist improving myself and having a better experience of myself – and thus I do not participate in my desires to resist change and criticism as my thoughts, feelings and emotions which seek to justify why I am right and others are wrong

I commit myself to improve my teaching experience and let go of the belief that if I really put effort into every moment, that it will apparently be difficult and draining

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that putting effort into every moment will be draining and compensate for this by using personality/characters to try and please others, not realizing that the reverse of this is true; that putting real effort in as self movement is easy and that compensating with personalities/characters within fear and inferiority as the belief that ‘I can’t do it’ is in fact difficult draining

I commit myself to be the best teacher possible within the terms of what is expected of me as a teacher and to put the real effort in to do this, and to stop compensating with efforts that are based in using my personality/characters to try and make the situation better by manipulating feelings, thus even if I am not sure what to do to improve my situation and do what is expected of me, I commit myself to find out what exactly is expected of me

Day 4 – it’s impossible!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the weaknesses and falls and failures of others and as excuse and justification to be able to control and abuse and manipulate others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to transcend my own self created limitations and stop the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without a relationship and love

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without all my old friends and family relationships and the multiple personalities which I take on to participate within them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without fear of money and survival

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to live without defining myself/believing myself to be special and having others believe that I am special – through drumming or any other skills and abilities that I may possess

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that my possessions in fact possess me when I am using them from the starting point of self interest as the desire to be special within the fear of surviving/fear of death

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to think about believe that it is impossible to live without a program to follow as a daily habit/routine and limit myself to existing within and as daily habits and routines that are not based within the principle of what is best for all life

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear that I am not able to/will not be able to stop the kind and direct myself in living a happy and fulfilled life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to sleep if I face the mind within my process of self application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting enough sleep, food or money or support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear of not being loved is inevitable when I do not stand and support myself in self love as fear of not being loved is in fact me fearing me as who I am as I am not currently existing as self love and self support

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that It is impossible to change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I have become is who I really am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make self change impossible through believing that self change is impossible and through this belief, doing nothing and waiting for something to happen or someone to come save me or change me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of self change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not deserve a better life or to be part of a new world because of what I have done in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that I must give myself self worth through standing absolute in living in a way that is best for all life and that this is the only way that I am able to find retribution and forgiveness for what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use self pity, shame and regret as excuses to not change myself and take self responsibility as I wallow in self pity and indecision and inability to actualize self change