Tag Archives: peace

Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?


Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality


Day 218: On peace and freedom

Freedom peace equality

One thing I realized about my tendency to want to escape reality, which is something that most people are doing in some form or another, is that it is due to how I have defined reality as being so stressful and difficult, a hardship, like a constant struggle, a war. So within this naturally there is a desire for peace. And within feeling so trapped, not knowing how things work or a way out, there is also a strong desire for freedom. That’s essentially how I have defined peace and freedom – as the momentary perceptual escape through the intoxicating energy experience of good feelings, where you escape reality for a moment because you’re lost in a delusion/illusion and it just feels so good. That is not peace or freedom, it is just how I have defined it. My initial impression of life, how it seemed to be, how it was presented, is not at all the case in reality.

Now it’s time to investigate the words ‘freedom’ and ‘peace’. This is a habit that I am developing in my writing and investigation, is to look into words and see the disparity between the reality of what words are to represent, and the unreality of how I have defined them in my own mind.


1. The condition of being free; the power to act, speak or think without externally imposed restraints

2. Immunity from an obligation or duty


Looking at freedom, I can see that the condition of being free is the power to act, speak or think from externally exposed constraints. So this brings me back to my initial impression of the world and people and how it was all presented to me, and how I adopted this definition within my self – I personalized it and it became my personal lies. This is what is so fascinating about the mind is that while these conditions are externally imposed on us, it is us who adopt them. So the key here is to not allow that imposition to exist, as an influence over my actions, my speaking, my mind. The key here is also no longer allowing myself to subscribe to this idea of peace/freedom, that is in fact a part of these ‘externally imposed constraints’ as the belief that I am escaping them through activities which create good feelings within me. The second is the point of freedom is immunity from obligation or duty. What is that ‘immunity’? It is the immunity to the stress and mental reactions which obligation and duty have always created within me, due to how I experienced obligation and duty, and what I believed/defined it to be, and thus the stress as thoughts/feelings/emotions that was created within it has been automatically associated – so the point here is to not try to escape the duty or even the mental experience that it creates within me, but rather to understand it, to forgive myself for it and stop it in the moment through breathing.



1. The state prevailing during the absence of war

2. Harmonious relations; freedom from disputes

3. The absence of mental stress or anxiety

Looking at the first definition, what I am looking for in the experience of peace is again the freedom from the mental friction created from daily life interactions and activities, as that mental friction is literally like a state of war on the body. The same can be said for the second definition about harmony and freedom from disputes – triggering conflict within me as reactions to my daily experiences. And then of course the third definition shows this point quite directly.

Another dimension of this is believing in something outside of myself, a thing, a person, and activity – whatever it is – there is something outside of myself which I give power to by believing that it can bring me this happy/positive energy experience by stimulating things that actually exist only within my own mind. It is a form of believing in a savior except the savior is just giving you and illusion and actually fucking you up badly, in reality. This is critical because within the belief that something else determines me or can save me, is implied that I cannot save myself, that I am not the directive principle – and that goes both ways – that I am both the one who is in fact creating those positive feelings/experiences, and the negative ones too! And thus understanding that if it is me who is creating them, it is me who can stop them, and will stop them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear dealing with bullshit, and investigating ALL things, due to not trusting myself to remain here and not react and direct myself within such experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within the belief that I can trust my mind and that I must participate in the mind, believe that the experience of good feelings as an escape from reality is real freedom or real peace

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define freedom and peace as a positive feeling experience or a rush of positive feelings as excitement, within the desire to escape my reality within the belief that ‘reality’ is the negative mental experience that I have had of myself in the past

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that life, living and experiencing myself must be difficult, a strife, a war, a struggle, through creating a mental impression/representation of life in my mind and then believing this experience to be real/me/life – not realizing that I am able to stand here within and as reality and face myself/my reality through breathing through reactions to my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the illusion of positivity and good feelings is in fact sustaining the existence of the illusion of negativity as both exist within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in positive feelings and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that things that make me feel good can save me

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am in fact the one creating positive and negative mental experiences within me through allowing myself to participate in them if they are stimulated, and thus it is I who have the directive principle – not that which stimulates the mental experience within me

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that real peace and freedom are a self expression of the certainty that I will support myself and the dedication that I will do whatever is necessary to support myself – namely, to investigate the mind and breathe through mental experiences – and that real peace and freedom ‘exist from within’, meaning that true, lasting peace and freedom (among other things like joy, understanding and love) exist as the expression of me supporting myself here in the moment to be free from the mind and not allow myself to participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as reactions

I commit myself to stop all reactions and learn a new way – the way of learning and breathing, the way of existing, the way of being here, the way of life

I commit myself to never give up on myself by giving into the illusion of positive feelings and that I have no power/self directive principle, and to never again allow myself to believe that positive feelings as energy is life/the answer

I commit myself to stop all positive illusions so that I have the strength, freedom and peace of mind to take on the negative and sort out the evil that has come to exist within/as me and this world

I commit myself to face and stop and deconstruct all that which I have allowed myself to define as positive and negative so that I am not influenced/controlled by illusions that would have me abuse life

I commit myself to give up faith and trust in the mind and stop all mental experiences so that I may be able to exist/experience myself as life/who I really am and never again abuse myself or another

Day 217: Catching my breath

Today I wrote a bunch of stuff that was lost due to my not publishing it, which seems to be the theme of this entire last month. If anyone actually follows this blog, you’d notice that I haven’t written much in the last month or so.

Most of what has been written and not published has been due to the fact that it was half assed – that yes, for whatever reason, I happened to write – but the commitment isn’t there, the dedication, because that’s what is entailed in this process – the dedication that you are going to work on this constantly and never stop until you’re done, using every free moment that exists to do what has to be done, to work on myself and sort myself out. I mean I wish it was a full time job and I didn’t have to work so I could just focus on that. Working while doing process wouldn’t be so difficult if it was real work (sometimes I think this), like farming or making things, because those don’t have all the social bullshit, the anxieties and fears that are attached to our jobs. Having to function in the system, whether it is at a job or at school, takes away from my process in that I am constantly being driven to use old survival mechanisms. I mean, I’m in University now and yet I have lived in such a way during my life that I developed a defense mechanism against school, so it is quite tough – and yet the aggravation of such experiences just pushes me even more to have to face them. Perhaps if I was not given a choice, then I would not have faced them at all.

But it is strange because if I am changing just because I am being forced to, is that real change?

I developed an aversion to school and doing regular kinds of work because it simply was not was brought me success and recognition – in fact being the black sheep, being a rebel and saying ‘fuck school’ is the kind of attitude that brought me success and recognition, and even if it didn’t, I just hated school and what has become of my life.

And now it is like my whole life has just been me running – running away from what I initially perceived and believed my reality to be, running on auto-pilot in the ways that I had designed myself to behave in light of this scenario. And yet when I run, I become even more jaded, because I am running from the thing belief that I created, and by running away from it, I am allowing it to exist, I am creating it, and thus I become more angry and jaded because such a view on life would naturally make one angry and jaded. Then I am just angry at myself for what I did to myself.

The illusion that has limited me so is fear. I mean it is not real and yet it is the one thing that prevents me from living here in the moment and pushes me back into old systems/ways of dealing with things. I fear to be here, in those small moments, where I can no longer simply react and be myself – but rather I must push through and breathe and not participate in those reactions. I fear doing that in all of those little moments, I want to revert to the old ‘auto-pilot’ system, so basically I fear living, in essence. I fear life, I fear myself. Maybe it is that FEAR that is always driving me to the REAFer…oh sorry that’s ‘reefer’.

So this fear is in light of how much faith I put into the systems I had designed, which is extensive. I fear that if I do not participate in these typical, systematized ways of interacting, I will not survive, because it is going into unknown territory. I mean just breathing and not knowing what to do, is like a very threatening thing to me, because the way I have always worked is: know how to react, react that way, and everything will be fine. It is easy to be the guy everybody likes in life, to be a people pleaser – or even the guy that is liked because he challenges people but ‘in a good way’ that is pleasing to them – but to simply breathe, to simply be here, is like what I fear as not being good enough. Like old memories of my boss saying ‘move your ass!’ or your parent or teacher or coach or whoever telling you to DO SOMETHING! GET IT DONE! NOW! YESTERDAY! ACT! Life has become all about ACTing – not being and it is this being that I must focus on. Being. Breathing. Being. Breathing. When breath is my rule of thumb, when breath and silence are my standard, this becomes and easier thing to do, so the more momentum I give to breathing and not participating in the mind, the easier it will get. What I had just mentioned about the old memories where you are pressured to act, however raises an interesting point for me to look at here: even if my survival did depend on it, would I abdicate life, just to survive? I’m not saying “don’t survive! Give it all up for the cause”, I am saying that if it did come down to a choice between the two, what would I pick? My survival or life and the cost of my survival? What is the point of surviving if we have compromised life? What is the point of survival if we are not truly living? Isn’t this what we have been doing for so long? I mean for an individual that is a part of life to exist in spite of life, would be asinine, wouldn’t it?

I see so much common sense in the message that I have tried to live by and apply in my life, the Desteni message – and yet doing it in practical reality is a whole other thing, it goes against the grain of all my instincts, of everything I have ever believed, I mean it is fucking difficult – and yet life otherwise, isn’t really any easier, it is just a different kind of difficult where you’re so distracted and drugged up that you just notice less how bad things are.

Hell, I even get anxiety about applying myself in process because I fear that I will make the mistake of being zealous or judgmental as I have in the past. Sometimes things become very overwhelming. But what I am beginning to see is that if I stick to simplicity, things do get easier. I mean, I have spent the whole day today, avoiding participating in an ongoing addiction of mine. Literally thoughts have been popping up in my head about every minute for the entire day, telling me to give in – and I haven’t – and every time I do not participate in this, it gets a little bit easier. It is like I am learning to BrEathe, because this will be a long process and I have to remember that, to not just do it when things get tough. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with how much stuff there is to deal with but I can only take it moment by moment and if I stick to the simplicity of the application, I will deal with it bit by bit. So, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get overwhelmed.

I will now look at the points that I have separated myself from that have kept me stuck in this vice. Why have I used this vice? Because I get an experience of being relaxed, and that everything is fine. I basically get a flood of good feelings, which gives me an opportunity to just give into them and become intoxicated and deluded with that energy. An escape, to not be here. I mean I am basically trying to be rid of consciousness by escaping it. It is a form of suicide. The problem with this form of suicide is that it is temporary, and then you are just found back in the same mess – and whether that escape last a few seconds, an hour, a day, a year, it doesn’t matter – they all bring the same end result. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust positive feelings. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that positive feelings are the answer.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear and positive feelings are the answer when they are in fact 2 sides of the same coin, a coin that spins – thus to participate in one is to participate in another, to allow one is to allow another.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find positive feelings ‘relaxing’ and to attach myself to this feeling that is apparently ‘relaxing’ and thus believing that if I have this feeling, I am relaxing apparently.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from calmness, from silence, from peace, from relaxation, from relaxing, by defining these words as an experience of feeling good/feeling positive energy.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by allowing the positive to exist within me as energy and to believe/subscribe to this positive, actually implies that I am allowing the negative, because both are illusory in nature and in fact the positive energy was only created to escape the negative – so by allowing myself to participate in the positive, any and all aspects of it in my life as what I have defined as being positive, and to continue to define them as positive, I am in fact sustaining the existence of that which I have defined as negative

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being here in the moment and not knowing what to do, that I have allowed myself to fear breathing and following the simple principles/applications/tools that Desteni has provided.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to embrace the responsibility to life that I have and am able to employ myself within, in any facet I am able to

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to give myself the peace, relaxation and calmness of applying the tools of process, as the awareness that I am in fact moving myself and supporting myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that process is impossible within the understanding of how distant we may be to our end destination and how difficult or long the journey may be

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is no other way but life/process – there is no other way out, not even death!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the desire to escape my thoughts, feelings and emotions, in the moment they come up, by avoiding them/escaping them/distracting myself from them, as a way of life/dealing with things/dealing with myself as I was never before shown how to deal with the mind but rather simply did what I believed worked at the time

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself believe that anything or anyone outside myself can help me – not as a matter of morality, but a simple recognition of how things work, as the fact that I created the mess that is my mind, and thus it is I that holds the key and only me who can show me and see what life really is

I commit myself to breathe through resistance and stress and apply the simple tools that have helped me come as far as I have

I commit myself to be the support, relaxation, peace and calmness that I can be, that I can live and give to myself, by applying the 4 count breath and applying the tools of process which enable me to live as a physical being – as to live purely in the physical without the friction and stress of the mind is in fact a form of freedom

I commit myself to live the strength that may be necessary for a time to get me through the mess I have gotten myself into so that I never have to experience fear or abuse ever again and no one else will ever again have to experience fear and abuse in my stead

I commit myself to prioritize my process above all things – including my own survival as this individualized form