Tag Archives: people

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Day 294: No said it was ever going to be perfect

No one ever said life would be easy.
But they did say,
IT WOULD BE WORTH IT.

The title of this blog is a statement I am going to need to learn to accept. While the ultimate goal is always perfection as the purest living expression of ourselves, it will never be possible to travel down that road of continuous improvement if I do not begin to face the current reality of things, which is far from perfect. The question is: who am I within such situations? If I am reactive, I will copy that which I see as I am easily influenced, and I will use the examples set before me as excuses and justifications to allow myself to be weak and be tempted by illusory desires that have been fed to me by my society to make me weak.

 

How can I provide for those who I care about if I allow myself to react and be influenced by the failings of others? How am I to stand and be dependable and trustworthy, with integrity, to always ensure that what I accept and allow is what will create a world that is best for all life, if I cannot even stop my fear of what others have become and the dangers they may pose to themselves and life in general? How am I going to face my day if my reactive nature has me subconsciously anticipating the next unfortunate/negative event that may be waiting for me that may be out of my control to stop, will I just allow myself to be defined by some negative experiences or events, just because I am able to find reasons to blame other people and things for such events?

 

No. Of course not. That is what equality would imply – I am required to become a humble servant to life within the understanding that I am life and as such, the harmed state that life is currently in is my cause and responsibility to correct. This is my only reason to have virtue or ambition.

 

This blog post seems to be shaping up into a point of dealing with discouragement, deterrence and the overall point of giving up on myself and this world – an old habit of mine that seems to be dying hard. I suppose everyone does this to some degree or another – we use the bad things that happened to us in our lives, at times where we did not consider or understand why these things happened – and we use them by taking things personally and adopting these experiences as reasons why we don’t live life fully – we are trapped in memories of harm and helplessness. Sometimes we create beliefs through the explanations that we use to explain these events, and from these beliefs we also get ideas about what we want and what the solution is – this is also a form of deterrent because it keeps us from letting go of a point that is likely holding us back because we have accepted this as ‘the way’ and thus fear that ‘there can be no other way’ – especially when we have committed so extensively to the old way.

 

But there is a new way – to live without fear as breath. “keep your eyes on the prize” is what someone said to me today, in the context that: “keep your chin up, because even if things don’t go as planned you will get to where you are going, as long as your head is facing straight forward to see the way”.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become deterred from engaging in my process and living my life to the fullest in every moment, because I fear bad things happening along the journey and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use bad things happening in the past – and thus the fear of bad things happening in the future – as an excuse/justification to not push myself to express myself and live life to the fullest in every single moment

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate my process and my goals with/to be defined by particular things or people, and to then become discouraged when things do not go according to plan – conversely, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to set myself up for disappointment and failure by associating my process/goals with certain things/people and then once I have achieved/acquired such things or associated/interacted with/had certain experiences with certain people, and then becoming discouraged when I perceive myself to ‘lose’ such things/people/experiences – not realizing the limitation I am placing on myself by defining myself by only certain things that I know (knowledge = thoughts)

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create ideas/beliefs/associations/definitions of how things should be ideally and how I should experience myself ideally, and then become deterred/discouraged when things do not go this way – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and belief that process is going to be an easy, perfect or painless process – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowd myself to be deterred by pain or other negative experiences

 

I commit myself to ‘keep my eye on the prize’ in terms of not allowing certain events/experiences such as disappointment or other judgments, or the fear of these events happening to define who I am and my motivation and how I will live

 

I commit myself to not copy the failures and flaws that I see and to not judge them because if I judge them I will believe them, and if I believe them I will fear them, and if I fear them I will copy them

 

I commit myself to not define my process/goals by certain things/people/experiences so I am no longer defined/influenced by the perception of loss or potential fear of loss but rather am able to always consider alternatives and other possible outcomes, through letting go of fear and the subsequent desire/belief of how things should be

 

I commit myself to never be influenced/defined by painful or negative experiences

 

Day 284: Focusing on other people

This post is just a few self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of desiring an experience of comfort/escape/security through not being alone, and being in contact with others, focusing on others. The problem with this is that if the living of others can make you feel these positive feelings, then the living of others can also influence me negatively, if there is for instance something about their living which I can not accept because I see it as a problem. So it is fascinating how through the desire for an experience of comfort and security, we end up creating the opposite experience of uneasiness and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time within the belief/justification that “I am tired” or “I need a break” – as I realize how deceptive the mind is in getting oneself to believe that it is necessary to stop and stagnate and not initiate self movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my process is dependent on the process of others – and within this, fearing the fact that others are not actively engaging in process, and fearing having to engage them eventually inevitably when there may be some kind of disagreement or perceived differences – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear is in fact just a fear of myself not being directive enough to be as effective as possible in my process, and that I am only projecting myself as this fear and thus the solution is to stop all fear/judgment/projection of others and simply move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process – as all things – is always experienced alone, by oneself alone – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can run away and escape by utilizing others as a way of generating energy and having some kind of higher experience of myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the key to life and enjoying myself and security and being happy, is being around/with others and being in agreement with others in all things, that I have allowed myself to believe that another can save me or make me happy

I commit myself to direct myself effectively here as breath in moments where I desire to stagnate and do what is not practical within the justification/belief that I must rest or I have ‘free time’

I commit myself to, when and and as I see myself projecting myself onto others – to stop, breathe and direct myself to simply STOP and note the point immediately so I can bring it back to myself and my own life, when I have a moment to write about it – as I see, realize and understand that all concerns/judgments of this nature are always about self, and about the fear of others which is in fact the fear of how I am existing and that the desire to worry about others and focus on them is another trick of the mind to not have me direct myself and look at myself

I commit myself to direct myself as what is necessary to be done in my process in focusing on me and doing what I must do to support and direct myself, and to stop the fear of others misunderstanding/reacting badly to this

I commit myself to focus on me here in sorting myself out, and to no longer use others as some kind of ‘nice feeling safety net’ where I can escape through being with others and focusing on others, or even believing that I am sharing my process with others – that is again how tricky my mind is

 

Day 244: Making connections

Image 

One thing that I notice about myself in the way that I have been changing in this process is that I have become much, much more attentive to others than I have ever been. I have come to see the that there is much, much more to people than what meets the eye, and I was only enabled to see this in others once I began to recognize it about myself, within a process of becoming intimate with myself and learning to be honest with myself. I find myself glad, even eager sometimes to just sit with people and listen to them, to get to know them and their experiences, their feelings, their thoughts – everything – and this has been coming at a more unconditional level where it is not about opinions of finding others who agree with you – I will gladly sit there and listen to anyone because it is really an invaluable learning experience, and an opportunity for support.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I even like it too much. I mean when I have such interactions, I tend to come out of them with some really nice feelings and thoughts. The intensity of this has decreased dramatically from what it used to be, but I still see it there. Conversely, sometimes where I want to connect and it just isn’t happening, I mean the person just isn’t interested or maybe I am approaching the interaction with too much eagerness/gusto, I can then feel not so good and have some not-so-nice thoughts.

 

One of the reasons that ‘connecting with others’ this way, you could call it, has a sort of ‘place in my heart’ in terms of having an energetic charge/experience to it, is that this is the kind of attention, recognition and support that I felt I never got. Not only never got, but was promised, expected, and never received. Yes it is a sad thing, that life in general does not receive the value, recognition, attention and support it requires, to say the least, but taking my past experiences of this and allowing them to influence who I am today is really useless and limiting. There is a song about this very subject that, when I listen to it, brings up all kinds of feelings/reactions, you can check out the lyrics here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3liCmuiPTY – the significance of this experience with the song is really just that obviously, because I have such reactions, this point of past experience is still having an influence on me today.

 

So it is not like I am going to change this point of interacting with others, I mean that is a part of me that is here to stay in terms of the attention/recognition point, but the extra ‘feeling experience’ that I get out of it is something to deconstruct. So much of that happy feeling of ‘oh wow, we have just connected and we understand each other better now!’ is taking a reality of events and making something ‘more’/extra out of it than what it is. This energetic feeling experience is actually based on separation. It is based on how we have already accepted within ourselves definitions of ourselves that separate us which we are currently busy believing and living-out. It is like the sigh of relief you experience when you fear someone due to how you misunderstand them through each one having defined each other as separate, and then all of a sudden, because a connection is made, you realize that ‘oh, this fear isn’t real, they’re just like me!’ it is in that moment of relief/realization that one may tend to mindfuck themselves and make something more out of it than what it is. We’ll tend to cling onto that feeling/moment and believe in it and even give it names like ‘love’.

 

But if such separation didn’t exist, would such a mental experience exist? If you were already equal, would it possible for a connection to be made? Wouldn’t be necessary, would it?

 

Still, equality is something that starts with self, done by self, for self. It is necessary for one to equalize themselves within and as themselves – meaning to actually be equal to that which you are as the physical body, by living it completely – not living in alternate dimensions/realities of the mind. Only through stopping ideas/beliefs/definitions of ourselves can we see and understand what our equality really means, and what it means to be equal to others. You don’t have to have the agreement of others to be equal to them. They might not even understand who they are…yet. But if you understand who you really are, you understand who others really are, and those who have done the work for themselves this way may have to serve as an example/support for others in the meantime by standing as that example of equality, no matter what the others may believe of you and themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the feeling/energetic/thought experience that I get from making connections and relationships with others is in fact based on a form of separation, wherein I experience a sense of relief that ‘everything is ok’, because my experience with them is positive which contradicts the fears that exist deep in my mind, and negative expectations that stem from such beliefs

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make enough connections or that if the connection is ‘strong enough’ as the feeling/thought/energetic experience I have with others, that my life will be better and everything will be ok because I am apparently now loved

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ensure that my interactions with others is effective and specific as conducive to the process of self realization

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anxiety as the fear of others as a way of activating all kinds of character/personalities to entertain, endear and impress others in some way

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for equality in experiences with others instead of establishing equality within and as myself as breath as the starting point

 

I commit myself to check in the moment what my starting point and experience is with another in interacting with them, and to rid myself of any secret desires/mental experiences that I am having in my interaction with others

 

I commit myself to stop the positive mental experience of thoughts/feelings as energy with others due to my interaction with them, as I see understand and realize that such thoughts are actually based in separation as deeply engrained self definitions/definitions of others and that the positive mental experience is only in contrast to such separation as the temporary/illusory relief of fear through believing that we now ‘understand each other’, when and as I see such thoughts/feelings/energies arise, I stop and I breathe, as to stand equal to others in fact means to stand equal to and as myself as the physical, and I stop and give up this desire to make a connection with others and have a positive illusory mental experience of myself – rather, I live positivity, I live support, I live equality and oneness, in whatever capacity is necessary to be effective in actual physical reality

Day 231: Challenges

 

As long as I am walking in this process I will be challenged, because this process is about giving up self definition and the patterns/habits that I am living which feed the mind as the amalgamating point of all self definitions – my ego. As long as self interest exists, then transcending these personal habits/patterns is always going to be a challenge, until no self interest exist and self movement is natural and familiar, without resistance.

We tend to not like being challenged, not hearing the things we want to hear, not being able to do the things we want to do – why? Because those things are feeding that self interest, they are giving the mind the energy it needs to be able to continue to believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’. So it is really challenging stuff and I am going to have to get better at setting challenges for myself, recognizing challenges in my life, and to begin embracing challenges as opportunities to really live – however within the consideration/understanding that this is going to be new, it is going to be uncomfortable, it is going to be difficult.

In my experience embracing moments of challenge I have noticed that these are the real moments of personal growth and transcendence. Not making things unnecessarily difficult for myself as I have in the past, but simply recognizing that ‘this is what has to be done – and I’m sticking to it’.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to set specific challenges for myself and to meet those challenges as a matter of personal growth, and simply enjoying life/living by living to my full potential/the drive towards living to my full potential

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this process is going to be a constant challenge and from this perspective, that process is one big never-ending challenge where even the attacks and fuck-ups of other people become a form of support to challenge my standing and see where there is still work to be done

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to focus on my own challenges and stick to these points before attempting to go out into the world and help other people – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the point of wanting/desiring to help other people as a way of not staying challenged

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to forget my starting point and why I am really doing this – which is to honor life and live a life without regrets – in the moments where things feel very challenging and I have the experience of wanting to give up

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, feel and believe that any challenge is too great for me to overcome, not taking into consideration that this view is from a perspective of limitation which was previous allowed my myself and thus this view is not valid as it does not take into consideration that it is influenced by circumstances of previous allowances and thus to even see these previous allowances of self limitation, I must walk through the point of self limitation through walking points of challenge to the ultimate/transcendence

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how engaging in challenging myself on a personal level is the key to living with ease at in interpersonal level and in my culture/society

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stymie my process of learning/transcending through challenges by wanting to get things done faster/instantly/easier/without resistance, by wanting the ‘difficult’ experience of being challenged to instantly be over and gone – within this, not allowing myself to become comfortable within the point of moving through challenges  through becoming comfortable with what is already automated behavior and wanting to stick with automated behavior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to stick to things/activities/tasks/work that is easier than doing new things/being challenged because they are automated things and thus can be done with ease – not taking into consideration how I will be dissatisfied/angry with myself for not having fully lived/grown/experienced myself and life

I commit myself to set realistic challenges for myself

I commit myself to identify and embrace moments/experience where my belief system/self identity/any aspect of my value system is challenged so that I may be clear on what I am accepting and allowing within myself to ensure that what I am accepting and allowing is in fact not a form of self-deceit as self definition but rather that which is best for all life, as a self that is not based on ideas/perceptions/beliefs/opinions

I commit myself to embark on challenges and learn to enjoy the unpredictability of the experience of being challenged and undergoing living experiences where I respond to the challenge

I commit myself to – in moments of feeling that challenges are too great/not fun/impossible/not preferable – to breathe, to not give into such thoughts/feelings/emotions by participating in them/acting on them, and rather move as breath, slowly but surely if necessary

When and as I see myself wanting to get things done faster/move past a challenge because I feel it isn’t working/isn’t working fast enough/won’t work fast enough – I stop, I breathe, I give myself the gift of time and patience through moving as breath and walk at whatever speed may be necessary to make sure that I am focused and do whatever is necessary to be done, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it seems

Day 229: Making a difference at the grass-roots level

Lately I find myself increasingly engaged in political discussions with regards to my native country, Canada, particularly pertaining to social change and effecting social change to address the issues that we as a society face which require our urgent attention. If we do not start paying attention to what is really going on in this world – at all levels – there are going to be some terrible and unforeseen consequences.

First things first – before we can even begin to address the problems that exist in our outer world as the society that we are living in, we have got to begin sorting out our inner world. This world is built on relationships: it starts with our relationship with ourselves, which determines our interpersonal relationships as our relationship to one another, and then our cultural/societal relationships as the relationships we have to the culture/society we are living in.

As individuals within our society, we tend to be apathetic about what is really being allowed in our society, and our great contribution to allowing that is our ignorance. Yet when I look at our interpersonal relationships, I see the exact same thing: a large degree of apathy in terms of what we allow in our interpersonal relationships, as it is really not a difficult thing to see how pervasive the conflict and friction we have with our fellow humans on an interpersonal level. Looking then at our relationships with ourselves, the word apathy and ignorance barely even begins to describe it: the degree to which we are dishonest with ourselves and what we accept and allow in our own lives, as the people we allow ourselves to be and exist as, is grossly neglected. So it is no wonder why on all three levels, we tend to believe that it is impossible to change, to change ourselves, our relationships and our societies – or at least that is the convenient excuse to now have to take self responsibility.

What are we allowing on all three levels? Fear, greed, desire, jealousy, spitefulness, neglect, gossip, theatrical drama, anger, spitefulness, ignorance – I mean the list of abuses goes on and on.

The fact is that we cannot even begin to consider having an effect on our outer world if we do not start from the bottom up, from the ‘grass roots’ level. Unfortunately that term has been limited to the second level I have mentioned, the interpersonal level, and that’s why grass roots movements have not prevented the world from becoming the horrific mess that it is today – we have never actually taken self responsibility for who we are within this whole mess.

Let’s face it – our leaders are people just like you and me, and they have their own problems just like we all do, they can’t sort their shit out the same way we as individuals can’t seem to sort out our own problems. Why? Because we completely take for granted and ignore the people we have been socialized as – the way in which we have defined ourselves in our own mind. We point out how fucked up our leaders are when the time comes that we are finally affected by their decisions, and yet we don’t seem to be able to do the same thing with ourselves and give that priority, since after all, that is the first place we are able to make a difference, is in our own lives. I mean, what has everyone been busy with that they believe is so important while the world has been allowed to be reduced to the state that it is in now? It is not valid to suddenly wake up one day after a life of self-interest and ignorance and say you are angry about the system, to blame others for having let the world become what it is today – no matter what role others are playing.

People get the leadership they deserve – this is an old adage in many cultures for a reason. Sadly, those who have the facility (money) that allows them to actually stand up and do something about all of this, take for granted their privilege, and ironically we tend to only get serious about questioning our reality – all of it – and making a difference, until we have lost everything or experienced some kind of extreme trauma/hardship. It is the same kind of mass ignorance and illusion that keeps us from seeing catastrophe in the making – the illusion of self importance. I mean, what was everybody busy with until World War 1 and 2 broke out? If our eyes were actually open, we would clearly see disastrous events such as these in the making, and I’m sure that there were a few lucid people screaming at the top of their lungs, warning us of what is to come – just as we have today.

It doesn’t have to always come to this, we don’t have to keep learning the hard way, and more importantly, will we ever learn, will we ever have a real change, if it is only forced upon us as a matter of consequence? I would wager that we’d rather simply be wiped out. We can be proactive, but it will take some actual doing, some actual self trust and self honesty in application of common sense, it will take the realization that we as individuals are part of something much, much greater than what we have always given importance to in our personal worlds. We are going to have to face, forgive and give up our self interest and resolve our personal conflicts, sort out our inner demons, if we are ever to make a real difference. It takes time, hard work – that how you know it is the real way to make a difference, because you’re mettle will be tested. Once again, it is people that make up our society, and we are going to have to begin looking at these people that we accept and allow ourselves to be and exist as.

In my own personal process, I have had to come a long way before I could even consider taking on broader social issues with any kind of effectiveness and clarity. I had to get self honest about who I really was and who I had become. I had to get down to the nitty-gritty of what is actually going on in my mind, of facing my secrets, my skeletons, my demons. I had to change all kinds of old useless habits to become studious and educate myself about myself and my reality, how things really work, giving myself the education that my society never has and never will. I had to forgive myself extensively for who I had become and learn how to give it all up – myself interest, my desires, my fears, my blame, my judgmental thoughts – all of it. In no way would I have ever had the right or capability to do so, given the person that I had become as a product of this culture. We are products of the culture that we protest – stupid, isn’t it?

I am not saying that one has to be perfect to begin to try to make a difference and start caring about their world, I am saying that taking on your outer world and taking on your inner world must be two parts of the same point – taking self responsibility for this reality and who we are within it. Separation and blame are the name of the game we have been playing with ourselves to no avail. Without taking self responsibility for the people we are – fully, in every way – we will continue these endless cycles of conflict, friction and getting nowhere. Everyone has played a part in this mess, everybody has contributed either actively or tacitly to it, and so we are going to have to learn to stop judging, to stop blaming. We are going to have to learn some understanding and compassion and learn what it means to love our neighbors as ourselves. However, as long as we keep avoiding the reality of the way we treat ourselves, the way we do not love ourselves, the way we are dishonest with ourselves, the way we abuse ourselves – NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

There is support available for this – I suggest life coaching with a group of people who have decided they have had enough abuse, enough horror, and to actually stand up for themselves as life and do something about it. For more visit www.desteniiprocess.com – become an individual or excellence so that we can begin contributing and creating a society of excellence.

Day 224: Clinging on to positivity part 2

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a positive energetic charge to that which I see as contributing to my own personal survival – whether it be the things I say, how I appear or present myself to others, the things I do or accomplish, the things I write, the people around me, the things in my environment and the places and the environment that I am in – limiting myself to an existence of survival where I am then moving between points which I see as positive and negative and never actually standing here, stable as breath

I commit myself to stop ‘talking up’ and giving extra positive value to things, people, places, experiences and events in my world as a form of inflating my own ego, in the attempt to create a sense of self/life that is better than it is in fact as a form of wanting to escape/not face/not take responsibility for my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that pride is my downfall, and that pride is only created through identifying myself/my life as positive and within this, the fear of loss is created where I fear to lose that which I am defining as positive

I commit myself to stand stable in the face of stimulation as that which I see as positive/contributing to my survival

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that by creating something positive out of/giving a positive energetic charge to things in my reality is a trap where I then become stuck and limited to that which I see as positive, as this value judgment is rooted in fear of the negative of my reality and eventually turns into an obsession, the further I travel down this road of believing/perceiving/convincing myself of the positivity that I have attached to things in my world – whether it be myself, others people, places or things.

When and as I see myself obsessing over/thinking about/trying to create/trying to attract the positive – I stop, I breathe – I let go of my desire as it is in fact rooted in fear, belief and escapism and I do not participate in this desire/obsession

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to actually enjoy life and every moment here by assessing self honestly what my priorities are and thus what is necessary to be done here in the moment, and simply going into it physically and within this, allowing myself to enjoy my reality and not try to attract the positive but simply live and experience all facets of life, without expectation, pre-judgment or preference

I commit myself to let go of the bias of that which I tend to define as positive and within this, stop obsessing over the positive and give myself the strength as clarity to stand here alone, embracing myself, accepting myself and stopping all fears that I will be alone/lost/have a bad experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that it is that which I desire as the positive that is making my life a struggle, and the foolishness of the belief that these things will ‘make me happy’ that is based on memories of enjoyment in the past which I associate with these things in my life

I commit myself to walk through the fears of letting go of/not obsessing over/not constantly trying to create the positive, to be able to see, realize and understand the freedom from bias as the desire for a positive experience and what is means to remain here as breath and stand as life

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to place myself effectively as required in my world, do my work, and walk away – without adding any extra value judgments as positive or negative to the experience, so that I am free to move from experience to experience without bias or resistance

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am allowing the fear of loss to control, influence and direct me and the detrimental effects it is/will have on my well being and quality of life and future

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make things out to be more positive than they are in fact by judging them/adding an extra positive value to them in my mind to cover up the fact/escape the reality of the fact that I am actually living in a world that is quite a mess which will require hard work, dedication, fearlessness and clarity to be able to sort out

I commit myself to stand without fear through stopping my participations in things that is based on fear as the desire to create a positive experience for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by attempting to create/attract/attain/experience the positive as I have defined it in my mind, I am in fact creating/attracting/attaining/experiencing the negative as that which I desire/have defined as positive is in fact based on fear and the desire to escape

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look towards things, people, places and experiences which I have defined as positive to help me/save me from myself as the negative/fear that exist within me – not seeing, realizing or understanding that is useless and futile as it is only me who is able to support me and save me from myself

Thus I commit myself to, in the moments of feeling lonely and yearning for the positive as an experience or someone/something to save me, to stop, breathe, and even support myself with writing if necessary, so that I do not participate in this desire to experience the positive and I can be free to live without the dependency of having a mental energetic charge

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not stand absolute and alone in supporting myself to stop the addiction to the positive as the mind/a mental experience of myself through things/people/places/events/experiences which I have defined as positive in my world, I am useless to support another and I am useless in terms of having any opportunity to enjoy myself/my reality without bias

I commit myself to stop adding positive values to things in my world, and to stop chasing the things which I have already defined as positive so that I may learn to see that that which I have defined as positive which I have for so long believed and perceived I depend on in order to survive, is not real, and does not in fact support me but rather harms me and those around me as it is based in fear/fear of loss