Tag Archives: physical

Day 300: Attraction

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Throughout my process I have been shown the importance of words and being specific with words. A long time ago I was introduced to etymology, and then the art of playing with words. This proved to be both fun and interesting, where you find things like the word ‘LIE’ right in the middle of the word ‘belief’, or that the word ‘good’ is just an extra ‘o’ away from ‘god’ while ‘devil’ is just the adding of the letter ‘d’ to ‘evil’. From this experience I became more accustomed to focusing on the ‘bigger terms’, like the ones that are more obvious or prevalent, and therefore maybe more ‘fun’ to look at and play with. What I haven’t done as much is incorporate this act of playing with words into my process as a practical tool within my process. There are many, many words that are part of my daily vocabulary which keep coming up, that I simply don’t look at.

 

Today the point of attraction came up in discussion with regards to my process. Or rather, the word attraction came up. What is attraction – when is it real? This is what I asked because the fact is that I experience attraction, but I really don’t know how it works. How can I allow myself to not even understand something that influences and controls my behavior on a daily basis?

 

Attraction

At traction

at ration

irration

at action

attack tion

attack I on

 

In a discussion today I was given some direction on this point in understanding that attraction (here I’m talking more specifically with regards to relationship/romantic attraction) is based on one’s pre-programmed design – based on this design they will like certain stuff or not like certain stuff, and they will be either attracted or repelled, accordingly. This is where ‘at traction’ comes in – I am on the right track, on the train tracks of my pre-programmed life design of what I like and don’t like, with good traction, like I’m stuck on the tractor beam pulling me along the journey of my preprogrammed fate.

 

Now this is a point I find extremely difficult to question, because it is like I don’t even know why I like the things I like, I don’t even know why I am attracted to certain things. Even more, I felt like I had already dealt with this point of letting go of the stuff I am attracted to, of giving up the stuff I believe I like – and yet here I still am living it. This is indicates the importance of being thorough in one’s process and not getting any ideas about what has to be dealt with and how to accomplish it. This is a process that can only be done in real time – as points come up, I deal with them practically. This has also been a challenge as I have found that the ingrained tendency to want to give up on myself/life is what drives me to do what I mentioned – sort of take on a point, try o get it done, get an idea about it that I am getting it done, and then it is like ‘ok, I have transcended the point now, I’m ready to change – this has been dealt with’. This can be especially so when certain points are related to others points, like in this case, the point of women and attraction – they are not necessarily one and the same, even though they may under the same umbrella of ‘relationships’ – several points may end up revealing themselves within this overall point, and each one has to be dealt with in specificity – and I have the time to do it.

 

So it is time for me to investigate this point on my own, in real time – to look at what I am experiencing with regards to attraction, currently in my life – what I am attracted to and all the points/reasons why/experiences of it. This is going to be interesting.

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Day 299: I, Fear…

Today I sat down to write out all my fears with regards to a certain point I am facing my life and certain experiences I am having, as this was suggested to me by another as a means of self support. It was simplistic, I just sat down and wrote “I fear…….I fear……I fear….” – all the fears that I experience. I mean it is not that hard to do if one just sits down and is honest with themselves about what it is that they fear. We are actually all surprisingly aware of this, if we actually give ourselves a moment to have a look. It was a cool experience to ‘get everything out’ and within this process it has allowed me to get a grasp and a perspective on the points I am facing/experiencing in a way that I normally would have not gained, through for instance just thinking about the point. Even talking out loud about things isn’t quite as effective because self expression can be limited to/compromised by the presence of another and how we feel/experience/define ourselves in relation to their presence.

 

What I then did was write self forgiveness statements on all the fears, taking the point that I feared back to myself by forgiving myself for the same points that I fear in others as they exist within myself. In just doing this, I felt a kind of release from a tension that I had been experiencing but was almost unaware of because the tension had become me, it had become what I lived and experienced as ‘normal’.

 

I then wrote corrective application statements and this is where it got interesting, because here I had to actually create, I had to actually design my living application in a way where it is actually me, for the first time, considering what would make practical sense in terms of what would be best for myself and all life. Here I was finding alternatives from the ways that I normally deal with things, which have never really gotten me anywhere but further into the mess I was already in.

 

So this was a point that I wanted to share due to such effective self support being so simplistic in nature – the problem however is that the mind tends to work solely on ideas and always wants some kind of idea to be satisfied with without ever actually going into physical practical reality to do any real work. It is a way that we stop ourselves from ever really moving ourselves towards corrective action or if we do, we just end up doing it with a pre-conceived idea that suits the mind. When we allow ourselves to move in physical simplicity, and just write, it is amazing what can step forward and how aware and directive we are actually capable of being.

 

It can be challenging to get to this point, and admittedly, I am on vacation now and not busy being engaged/stressed by things like school, work, family, friends and all the stuff that is part of our day to day living. The problem I found is that being so engaged/stressed, when I finally do have a little bit of free time to sit down and write and give myself some much needed self support, I will tend to not want to do it, but rather just find other ways to have an experience of ‘escaping’ the daily challenges/experiences of my reality. Now with having ample free time, it is a bit easier. However, given the necessity/dire need to support ourselves, that who we are is of utmost importance (even though we do not recognize this and give ourselves very little real value), it is critical that we make the time to give ourselves this self support, no matter what the conditions or circumstances. We believe that by ignoring such things and just escaping our reality through various forms of entertainment, that things will be better, when this is proven time and time again to not be true, and life just becomes more stressful, more of a grind.

 

We fear to live physically, to let our hands and body do the work, to move ourselves without any mind controlling us or telling us what to do and how we should live. It is akin to stepping into the unknown – and yet, this is all despite knowing full well that the way we are currently living is simply not ideal – nowhere close – the extent to which this point is realized being completely dependent on how much we choose to accept and allow ourselves to delude ourselves from reality and escape it, rather than facing it head on with the will, self trust, self honesty, strength and resolve to make it better. As we exist already in fear and self dishonesty, we are already lost, and so one literally has nothing to lose by facing that which one fears.

Day 296: Self monitoring and the observer

 

I have been a very competitive person for a very long time. Whatever I did in life, I wanted to be the best. My success was always measured in how others were not as good as me, apparently. If I found that I could not be the best at something, I would likely stop competing and look for another way to be the best. This has sabotaged me greatly in my process. I mean it has compromised everything about my daily living and my self response-ability to life, where everything just becomes a competition that is about me winning – even what I consider ‘doing right’ as being one who is actively engaging their process. It makes it extremely difficult to establish real self trust and self honesty because I become uncertain as to whether intentions are truly what is best for all, or what is best for me, through expecting that taking actions that are best for all will somehow reflect well on me.

 

Well, fortunately I have found out that it doesn’t – very few people actually seem to care about what is best for all life and the few people who are impressed by one who appears to be a ‘good person’ is really just impressed and excited because maybe it means there is a chance that you will be easier to take advantage of than the next person.

 

As my process unfolds and I tend to learn from consequences of operating under false pretenses such as this one, it is becoming much more of a common sense, practical living application – instead of a ‘great big idea’. There is nothing special about process and the more that is understood, the more effective I am able to be. The more I am able to understand the practical common sense outflows of the decisions I make, the more I am able to direct myself in simplicity and directness.

 

So, often times within this whole point I have had a tendency to ‘want to figure things out’ – to ‘get it done’, like, almost instantly – this is how the mind works because it tends to never factors in practical physical reality. It is like I never want to make a mistake or reveal that I am flawed. Within this starting point, I have become pre-emptive – like I am actually looking for points to deal with, but in fact what I am doing is looking for points to react to. Here writing this, I now see that this implies how I have always assumed that my movement and action in live must be within some context of reacting to something. Within this point of reaction there is no real self movement or self direction – fear is just the sole motivator. Or is that soul motivator?

 

I received some support on this point recently – although the support was somewhat indirect and I did not necessarily see it at the time – in the video “Losing a Moment of Inspiration – Losing a Part of Self” – I suggest to watch it, even if it does not seem relevant or the insight doesn’t register immediately, as it did not for me.

 

Within this whole point of competition ad wanting to be the best, making almost over-zealous, looking for points about myself to react t and deal with, I notice that the tendency is to look at points through the mind and to trust the mind within this observing. Even sitting down to write, it is like I will scan the mind for stuff to write about, like asking the mind: “what is relevant here?” – so I am in essence trying to solve the problem with the problem. This was the point raised in the video where we tend to try to look at our insights and the things we notice about ourselves, only through the mind!

 

So what I am seeing here is the importance of this process being a physically lived/applied process – not that this information is new to me lol. But it’s application certainly is. It is as if I have trusted the mind so much that I fear to allow myself ti simply sit down and write, here in the moment, simply expressing myself naturally here, physically, without any ideas or expectations. As long as I am still referencing the mind, no change will be possible, no matter how seemingly noble my intent may be.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in referencing the mind as to what is important/relevant in my process/life, and that I have allowed myself to be motivated and driven only by fear, living in a reactive state – thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and live the understanding that all that exist in the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions are of no real substance, support, and are not trustworthy, but are rather just indicators of my own twisted creation called the mind which does not deal with things in real reality but only in the mental reality where the mind always wants to win, and I commit myself to live with the understanding that no thought, feeling or emotion can ever be trusted but are merely experiences that may be explored through self writing as a physical act, here in the moment, which are the key to understanding myself and what is beyond the limitations of the mind if I allow myself to let go of the fear of living without the mind.

Day 271: Practicalities of self change – how do I change myself for real?

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Since school has started again, I have begun re-structuring my life since I have the added responsibility of school again, after about 2 weeks off. It is interesting the way I (and I’m sure many others) tend to treat work like it is something unhealthy, like some kind of horrible drain that we need to escape whenever possible, when often it is never the work itself but who we are and how we experience ourselves within ourselves that is such a drain on the body – all the thinking, the fears and anxieties that often go along with our work experiences, because after all work means money and money means survival, so work for many like myself becomes an intrinsically stressful thing, where we go into ‘work mode’. Then we also have the opposite polarity of ‘play time’ or ‘relax mode’ where we find ways to escape. The two points support each other and are two sides of the same coin – because in both cases, we are just experiencing ourselves energetically, so it is ironic that we try to escape the negative energetic work experience with the positive escape/play experience – they are both just energy. The problem is that we want just the positive experience and the more we give into that positive, the more we will resist the negative work experience, and yet it is an inevitability, and the more we chase the positive, the more intense the negative experience is going to be and the more difficult we will experience it. I mean it is essentially just throwing a tantrum because we are addicted to the positive energetic experiences we hold so dear, and thus resist giving them up to have to work.

I am constantly working with these points, in stopping the tendency to give into the positive energetic experiences that make living and working so difficult. Living and working is not in reality such a difficult thing, we just experience it that way, especially if our living/working really doesn’t contribute to anything meaningfully benevolent in our lives or in the world. There is a lot of resistance to giving up the positive and it takes time, especially when you have trusted such an experience for so long and as extensively as I have – and yet it is no excuse to not do everything possible to support myself to stop. I don”t mean that in a moralistic sense, I literally mean it does not excuse me from the consequences I am creating for myself, by trusting/giving into the positive energy of the mind. Positive thinking is a trap that makes us numb to reality as the world around us, and makes us cranky bitches when we don’t get what we want. We actually believe that such experiences are the answer. But they are just that – experiences – one might notice that their experience of happiness is always a fleeting thing, it is never constant and requires constant input and stimulation to be experienced, and the right kind of stimulation, and the right amount – just like a drug – and eventually you become numb to it and it isn’t enough and you need more, and more, and more…

But stopping this point, breathing, and through breath – directing myself to take on new endeavors, new tasks, new responsibilities, new learning experiences – I am beginning to see what it really means to live, and to live to my full potential.

I mean, I always wanted to have a great life, a perfect life, where everything works well and I am one and equal with all and everything is just as it should be – not shitty! And yet it is through my conditioning that I have been mislead: the pursuit of happiness as an fleeting energetic experience: that is not the key. The key, I am finding, is to push myself to live to my full potential as I mentioned before, but within a context that does consider others/the world around me as equal and one to myself – otherwise, what is the point of becoming a better person?

It is quite a cool experience because when you make this decision, to stop giving into the mind of positive energy/positive thinking, and actually live real positivity – that means living words/deeds that mathematically provide a certain outcome that is favorable – then all of a sudden, I find my fear and anxiety diminishes, by weaknesses that are birthed in my desires and vices begin to disappear, and all of a sudden living becomes interesting and purposeful – isn’t that what everybody would like? A life of real meaning and purpose, without a worry or fear, that functions effectively all the time without falter, where we are one with and equal to the world around us? Whereas when I give into my illusionary desires of wanting these positive energetic experiences that I’ve become addicted to, I begin to live with fear and anxiety because I know deep down who I am and what my starting point is and what I am really allowing. I become weak, nasty and reclusive, because I am harboring a secret agenda where the only thing on my agenda is living for me myself and I – nevermind everything and everyone else – they are just become tools in my eyes of how I can fulfill my self interest! That is why people use/abuse each other all the time and they don’t even see it. 

Putting this in practical application is really interesting and quite a journey where you figure out how to live for real, how to manage yourself in the physical reality effectively, with understanding and common sense. Currently I am finding it is important to breathe when desires come up, and to be practical about my ability to take on new activities/responsibilities, while not fooling myself with the excuses of “I can’t do it” or “I’m not ready yet”. These 2 points, of both stopping old patterns and being effective with new points go hand-in-hand: the more effectively I stop myself from repeating the old patterns/habits, the more clarity I have in structuring my new living/expression. If I am not stopping effectively, then I will tend to ‘get ahead of myself’ in my mind and project myself very ambitiously doing more than my physical body can actually handle – I notice this a lot. So, stopping old habits, breathing, and working with the body – making sure it is well taken care of, fed, rested – is key in establishing and creating a new self that can really live to my full potential and live a life of real value where over time I will be recognized for the fact that I have in fact stood for life with such resolve/absoluteness that others will see the trustworthiness of my consistency. The only thing stopping us from being the absolute best we can be, from having the absolute best experience of ourselves, is the belief that we are doing so already.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that over-ambition/impracticality of taking on new responsibilities and structuring my living stems from not stopping old habits, where I then project in my mind all the things that I will do, and that this will not work but rather I must breathe and stop all old habits, and be practical about what responsibilities are priority, and how to practically work with the body in accomplishing them.

I commit myself to – when and as I see myself projecting in my mind what I will do – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this is only a projection and that it is due to the fact that somewhere in my life, I am still giving into old habits/patterns , and to immediately stop and move myself as breath in taking on new responsibilities. Thus I do not give into these desires/projections as my thoughts/feelings/emotions/energy and I realize that I must also be patient with myself in stopping old habits and yet realize the importance of walking through and moving forward as if I continue to allow myself to give into desires, I will inevitably continue to create this experience of projecting myself as doing more than what is actually practically possible for my body in the physical reality

Day 261: Love is more than a feeling

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When we really take a look at how imperfect we are as human beings, the mistakes we make, the strife in our life and our world, the extent to which we deceive ourselves and others on a daily basis, the extent to which we are ignorant of the things that really matter and require our attention in this world – it is really a dishonest thing to claim that we know what ‘love’ is – the word ‘love’ implying the pinnacle expression of human benevolence.

If love as the pinnacle expression of human benevolence actually existed, wouldn’t every single human being on earth be taken care of and living to their full potential, never having to live in fear of others? I would imagine that this would be the very least that we are capable of creating as real love on earth.

Our world is in such a mess, where life is given so little value – we as living, breathing, physical beings are given so little value – that we exist in such an extensive degree of inferiority where all we are looking for is a nice happy feeling to keep up pacified from the reality of how much we have devalued and diminished ourselves, how little we have honored ourselves as life. Everyone is just obsessed with this feeling – I mean this is basically how I have always lived and it is so extensive that stopping is not just this easy, simple quick thing – and this despite the fact that all I am trying to give up is illusory in nature – it is nothing but feelings! And so all the time we are just looking for the next high – we don’t see it because we are so immersed in an entire culture of hedonism, but if one have a look, it is plain to see that virtually all decisions are only ever oriented around what will serve self – even if indirectly – so charity and altruism – yeah – bullshit.

We go to real lengths to get what we want – first we’ll use honey, and then if that doesn’t work we’ll turn sour and use vinegar – we will use words like ‘love’ to create this feeling experience, and if that fails, we will throw a temper tantrum because we are not getting what we want. This cannot be love. We have all been deceived by the love deception that by this point, we should not buy it anymore – we should be able to see how this word has been used and abused purely to create a feeling and serve self interest, and really start to consider what love is as a real, tangible physical act.

What is love as a real physical, tangible act?

It is making sure that there are no secret desires that put ourselves first and others second. It is making sure that we are honest with ourselves about who we are and thus live honest lives in turn. It is making sure that we are directive in taking responsibility for our reality. It is making sure that life is taken care of, that every person is well fed, are given proper education, proper health care, proper living necessities. It is stopping the massive amount of abuse that is currently taking place on earth and taking whatever actions necessary to stop such abuse.

Our desires for the happy feelings we are so ‘in love’ with are really so trivial, so selfish, so pointless, when we consider the real problems in this world and the real love that is needed by so many in our dying world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to obsess over love as a feeling: as the attainment of a positive energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not living with the experience of energy as positive feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throw tantrums and protest and find justifications/blame towards others because I am not getting the energetic experience I desire

When and as I see a desire for positive feelings/energy arise within me in thought: I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this desire is purely the desire to energy which I have become so addicted to, and that the mind will create any justification/rational to get this feeling, and will present a variety of ways/physical acts that I can do which I apparently ‘like’ that will create this feeling which exist as past habits/patterns, and thus I do not allow myself to participate within this desire as my thoughts/energy 

When and as I see myself fearing to not have/attain this energetic/positive feeling experience and the habits/patterns that create this feeling experience within me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this fear of loss/not having love/not having energy is a way for my mind to manipulate me to move back towards this energetic addiction to good feelings, and thus I do not participate in these fear as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

When and as I see myself becoming angry towards/blaming others because I am not getting the energetic experience I want as positive feelings, and see myself justifying this anger/blame towards others – I stop, I breathe, I see and realize that this is the mind ‘pulling out all stops’ and going to a last resort of throwing a temper tantrum because it is not getting the energy it wants – thus I do not participate in this tendency to blame and be angry towards others and judge others as it arises in my thoughts, or as a negative energetic feeling/emotional experience 

Day 251: Walking a new path without thought

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So today, I had another desire to go back into a past pattern of thought. The pattern is not so much about the specific activity I am doing (which for privacy purposes, I will not be naming) – but rather, who I am within the experience as the thoughts that are coming up within me. It is like that with a lot of things. I am beginning to understand this as before, I would simply try to avoid/suppress the act, rather than dealing with the point of who I am within the act, meaning: how do I experience myself, what are the thoughts that come up during the act?

It would be like having a past patterns of being addicted to food, where the act of getting food and eating it brings up all kinds of thoughts as a mental experience that builds up energy, and then you’re mind fucked. Or playing on Facebook – Facebook can be cool, but turning it into a big mental experience by allowing all kinds of thoughts and for self to participate in such thoughts, is a different story, it would change one’s entire experience of being on facebook.

So rather than to avoid things because I fear to fall, I am stopping the fear and trusting myself to be honest with myself about who I am within the experience – to set boundaries with myself and be strict about what I will allow (or rather, not allow) within the mind.

Now this is not to be used as some kind of justification to lead self into past patterns – if it is found that I am unable to participate in an activity without the mind/thoughts completely taking over – then yes, I will step away for a while and work on things before I dare to venture back into the point.

Answers to our problems tend to be simple it is just the things we don’t want to look at, the things we don’t want to do, the things we fear to give up that is making life so difficult – but the answers are simplistic, and only self can be honest with self about whether or not self is in fact living the answer.

I forgive myself that I’ve tried to avoid certain activities because of past experiences of who I was in the activities and within this, not realizing how I am tacitly allowing myself to fear myself and rather not trust myself to actually apply myself for real in self honesty to change who I am within such activities, not allowing myself to give to myself the opportunity to change myself for real by changing who I am within this world and all that I participate in 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind to such an extent that I actually believe that I require the mind as thoughts to participate in certain activities, and fear to let go of the mind as thoughts.energy, not realizing that I am able to direct myself here as breath and create myself anew within/as breath through no longer allowing who I am and my self movement to be dictated by the mind as thoughts/energy

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to change who I am in actual real time in physical reality by changing who I am within certain activities that have normally in the past been mental experiences, by stopping the actual thoughts/desires that come up when participating in activities – thus when and as I see thoughts pop up when participating in activities that had normally always been energy based for me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I no longer require the mind/thoughts/energy to live, experience and enjoy myself as I have believed I require to in the past – and I walk as breath exploring physical activity without the mind intervening

Day 168: Daily self forgiveness here

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to realize that within my work/job, my job is to do a specific task/fulfill a specific role, that is expected of me by whoever is employing the work and thus within this, personal opinions are irrelevant – and that if I am to ‘have fun’ and play in my work, it is to be within this context of first doing whatever is necessary to fulfill the task/role, and to ensure that I am clear on this point, even if it requires asking or getting further clarification from those who employ me – within this, I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to use the excuse of ego as ‘knowing better’ for any deficiencies in not fulfilling this task/role

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something ‘more’ to be found in personal relationships as I know them – which is a form of love as friction/separation – not realizing that this is the exact opposite of the truth: that the only ‘more’ that exist is actually that which I already am but have not realized as me here as the physical, and that this ‘more’ that I am desiring is actually a yearning to live to my full potential and discover my full potential here in reality as the physical through self directive principle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special and ‘give myself a pat on the back/believe I am superior’ due to my success: using success to justify and reason and explain self interest as ego

I forgive myself that I’ve not allowed myself to continue to explore myself as the potential of the physical as my body, here in the moment – as for instance reading, that I have not allowed myself to enjoy myself and discover/expand myself here through reading

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety and fear through wasting time, not directing myself specifically here, doing what is necessary to be done, not realizing this fear/anxiety is created through procrastination essentially, where I play head games with myself where I deceive myself by telling myself in a very serious tone “I must do this!” and yet spend the whole time not doing what I am apparently telling myself I must do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and stymie myself through playing personal games with myself where, in my own mind, I am comparing myself with others and competing with others – not realizing that within this, I am basing my self esteem/self definition on a game that is not real, and thus, inconsistency and ineffectiveness will be created within and as my personal character as my starting point is not real/self honest but rather a mind game that was deliberately taught to me to deceive and debase me