Tag Archives: abuse

Day 324: What is really important in my life?

Recently I find myself having an experience of weariness, I have grown weary of my life, about some aspect of the way I am living. Identifying this experience of ‘weariness’ (which is kind of like a form of being bored/having grown disinterested) is important because I can see that this is what leads to the experience of me wanting to escape my reality. The tendency to escape started a long time ago, for the same reasons: there was something about my life (perhaps many things) that I was dissatisfied with, and not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to direct myself and not having any tools to support myself with – and having many options presented to me as ways that I can escape my reality, like TV, relationships, games etc. – I resorted to escaping my reality. Eventually these escapes would become addictions habits which become extremely difficult to break. But it all started with this experience of being ‘fed up’ and unsatisfied with my life.

So now here I am recognizing this point again and the subsequent desire to escape reality. My dissatisfaction with ‘life’ is really self dissatisfaction. This is because I know that so many things I have become focused on in life are really not important, they are superficial, selfish and self-serving, and really make no difference in the ‘bigger picture’ of life. Maybe it is not normal to be dissatisfied with ‘having a regular life’ – to be bored with living a life of self-interest where my main focus is just surviving, entertaining myself and keeping myself happy – maybe it is not normal to want to focus on the world around me and want to make it a better place – but to just survive becomes really boring – in fact, my survival on this earth is virtually guaranteed, and having already busied myself with massive amounts of entertainment in my life, I can’t help but feel like I am just wasting my life away if I don’t do something more, try something radically different. I mean, to just live a life pursuing my own happiness and thrills: is this really all there is? This is not to mention that in a world that is based on the cut-throat principle competition and ‘winner takes all’, my happiness is having to come at the expense of others, and I have to subscribe to this game where I am living in constant fear and spitefulness towards my fellow man, always trying to get ahead and be the winner. I’m tired of this.

And yet I fear loss. I fear that if I change my living, that if I stop participating in this game, where all my relationships are just ways where we stimulate each others ego’s and help each other try and feel good about ourselves and win this big game called ‘the human race’, where all my entertainment just serves to make me feel good by playing on my insecurities or excite me based on my suppressed fears. I fear that others will misunderstand because in fact: to be a better person and make a difference in the world requires a great degree of integrity and hard work, and it is the kind of work that gets no attention, no recognition or praise, because the only kind of work that seems to get any recognition in this world is the kind of work that appeals to peoples ego’s, to people’s self interest. To do what is best for all life is not an example that appeals to any-one because it is work that is not designed in the best interest of only the one person – it is best for all – and so no one ego will be stimulated and excited by this. I mean being stimulated into excitement by something is always ego, and as I write this I wonder how few people even understand what I am saying.

I fear to walk ‘the road less traveled’ because pleasing people, following the crowd and getting attention from others by stimulating their ego and living as my own ego are things that I have associated with success and being successful. It takes a great deal of humbleness to simply do the work that will make the world a better place. The work will largely go unnoticed and this is unnerving for me because from a very young age I have associated success with ‘getting noticed’. And yet, this is not necessarily the case at all – this is the version of success that we are brainwashed with in the media as popularity and ‘stardom’. To simply ‘set my nose to the grindstone’, put my head down and do the work that has to be done, and give up all forms of stimulation, of desiring attention – will be a great challenge that will not come without resistance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ‘my life’ and accepting the truth about life: that life is not ‘mine’ – life is not a commodity to be owned, gained, acquired and competed for, where I focus only on my own pleasure and personal gain which I experience as ego/mind as being stimulated/excited into feelings of happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to let go of my life as my own self interest and to live a life that is best for all is the only thing that will give me any real satisfaction and wholeness: where I am fulfilled because I no longer live for the insatiable void that is created by existing in self interest, and happiness/fulfillment is no longer experienced as an energetic experience, because I accept myself as whole/fulfilled/enough, by living the statement of being satisfied/having enough, by living in humbleness and shifting my priorities so that they are aligned with that is best for all life, and within such fulfillment/humbleness, I make the living statement that I am self satisfied by focusing on the needs of others and giving of myself so that the real needs of others can be fulfilled

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that relationships and entertainment that only stimulates me and makes me happy are useless in the long term and are essentially a dead end road

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to walk away from a life of self interest and to let go of that which is based/created in self interest is going to be difficult, and cpme with resistance, and will experienced as an immense experience of ‘fear’ where it feels like ‘my world is going to fall apart’ and that this is the trap that the ego sets up as a self-experience to keep self from ever breaking out of the mind-control of self interest – and that freedom will only come as I give it: by walking through such experiences and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to give into the fears of ego, as the desire for self fulfillment within the belief that “I need this or I will not be happy/will not be a success/may not survive in this world”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be popular and have positive relationships with others where we must stimulate each other positively in order to survive and have a successful life and within this, to believe that it is good and noble to be the best at stimulating others positively because this is what will apparently bring me success and happiness and fulfillment – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate popularity and getting attention with success/happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to simplicity of breath and the simplicity of what is here in this world as a guideline for my living and what is important and what are my priorities in life

I commit myself to focus on doing what is best for all life and to put in the time and do the work necessary and to take seriously my commitments to life as if they were the most important job that I have ever had: as I see, realize and understand that in reality, when I step beyond the brainwashing of fear/self interest of the mind, in fact my work/job/money/survival/relationships are not important, and the most important thing in this world in fact is to make a difference to change the systems and stop the massive amount of suffering that exists in this world

I commit myself to live the statement of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ with regards to making a difference in this world: meaning that my focus should not be so much on ‘what should I do’, but rather my starting point and priorities, as my recognition of what really matters and what is really important, as I see, realize and understand that if I am truly self honest about what matters in life and what does not, then the ‘what should I do’ will become obvious and come naturally, as I will simply no longer be sidetracked by the bait of self interest as desire that keeps me from recognizing what is important and acting accordingly

When and as I see myself experiencing the fear of loss and the experience of ‘my world is falling apart/I am losing everything’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the trap of the ego where it uses the addiction of pleasure and stimulation as happy feelings as a trap to never break out of the mind control of self interest and to live in a way where I am simply satisfied with being taken care of and having everything I need, so that I may then work towards the betterment of all life in humbleness as I am no longer controlled by always wanting more – and thus when this fear/experience arises as my thoughts, feeling s and emotions, I remain here as breath and do not participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather continue to breathe until the energy stops to see and prove to myself that: I am still here, I do not fear to lose the mind/energy/addiction, and that I can exist and be fulfilled in simply being satisfied by existing here as breath with a body that is taken care of and has all its needs met, and so I continue down this road less traveled by living as breath in simply supporting the physical body, in humbleness as the consideration of all life as equal and one, and in gratefulness to be here in this body/life with the opportunity to make a difference

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Day 312: Always give the integrity you expect from others

(This post was written with regard to a reaction of anger and frustration I had towards another persons behavior recently, as I judged them as ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘secretive’, fearing what they might possibly do to me)

So about my reaction. It was so strong and intense. It was all about control and being pissed off about ambiguity. The desire to control is pattern, I am seeing. Due to my reaction, it was difficult to write with any clarity, I was completely fucked and the things I was writing were taking things way too far.

What is this control and desire to control about? It is about the fear of ‘what could happen’ – that ‘what if’ fear. It is the fear of what others could do to me. And that is, in a way, just the fear of myself and what I could do to others. It is just memories that haunt me, which have me in this permanent state of paranoia, and before I know it, I am already ready to ‘strike at others’, whether that is anticipating being hurt and how I would strike back, or whether being preemptive of this fear of being hurt my others.

Why is self preservation all that matters? If I did not exist this way, would the ‘what if’ possibility of what others could potentially to do me be of any concern? No. Just the same way it would be pointless to live in constant fear of being hit my a bus. Sure it could happen, it COULD. Does it matter? Not really. Because who I am is all that matters, as it determines how I experience myself for as long as I am here.

What I fear is my own self interest – because, even if faced with the evil of another, how can I possibly trust myself to direct the outcome in a way that is best for all, if I have not transcended the same evil myself?

The ego takes this ‘what if fear’ and projects it very deceptively onto others. But if I give up that which I desire that exist as self interest – what is there to fear of others really? What is there to lose? I just end up becoming intolerant of others because of these fears, I create desires and expectations about what others should be. But as someone said to me once: “always give the level of integrity that you expect.” And – save for situations where it is proven that I am being outright abused by another – this holds true. Nothing else matters and to ‘risk everything’ (in the eyes of the mind/fear) is what will be necessary to give such a thing.

This will be a brief post for tonight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what others can do to me, not realizing that this is in fact the fear of myself as how I am existing, and within this fear, that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control others through placing expectations of how others should be, and that I have rather not accepted and allowed myself to be that which I would like/desire others to be, as I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is the only way to create that which is best for all – to risk everything and live as the example

I commit myself to take self responsibility for myself first and foremost and to investigate and stop my reactions towards others and my desires/expectations of what others should be – and to rather remove such controls, which are birthed in fear, through standing myself as that example and to live with the integrity that I would expect from others as I see, realize and understand that this is in fact what is best for all.

Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life

 

One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.

 

What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?

 

And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle

 

I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience

Day 158: Sports and competition as a mental game

A couple days ago, I decided to go out and play some basketball. It has been quite some time since I’ve played, as the last time I played I had a serious ankle injury that kept me away from the game for some time.

I ended up playing 1 on one with a competitive basketball player, a guy who played for the local university who was much bigger and more skilled at the game than was. Now I noticed an interesting thing: playing the game and competing had becoming for me nothing but a mental experience, meaning that it became about nothing but my own ego, which is rooted in fear of loss and the consequent desire to win. Unfortunately, the game has become about nothing but winning, and what I noticed after this guy beat me yesterday was that, the game is absolutely no fun when you lose! It’s a shitty experience – why? And how can the fun of winning be a real fun when it is simply based on the fear of loss?

Another thing which I had noticed before when I had my injury, is that within the desire to win, the human body – that which is real and which I depend on for my very existence – becomes completely neglected, and is made sacrifice to the pursuit of winning. I literally had destroyed part of my physical body, just because I was trying to win, just because I was trying to get this mental high experience of ‘oh, I’ve won, I am so great now, I feel so much better that I have put on this very convincing show to compensate for my own accepted and allowed inferiority.

And when I went back to play yesterday, this was very easy to see. This guy, being much bigger and physically aggressive, literally beat up on me as he worked towards his own victory – and I took the abuse, I allowed it. I even pushed my physical body beyond its limits with regards to my cardiovascular capacity, pushing myself when I was already too tired to continue (again I have not played in a very long time) – all just to ‘win’.

The fact is that this has become an engrained habit over time because throughout the course of my life, I had become accustomed to being the one in the winning position, and when this is the association that a person makes with the game they play because they tend to be the winner, it becomes very dangerous because there is a completely skewed view of what the game really is as its true nature – you actually begin to believe that you like the game, that it is a part of your life, of who you are – yet you are only seeing one side of the coin, you are not considering the ‘losers side’ and even that the ‘winner’ is just a loser who uses another loses to feel like a winner by contrast.

All of this, even despite the fact that looking back I had abused my body extensively even en route to ‘victory’. It is amazing the chemicals, the endorphins and what not (I’m not sure about the proper scientific names) that the body can produce – all from the mental experience of ‘I am winning!’- to mask the pain and hardship that one is actually putting the body through. The body becomes so disregarded for the mental experience of winning that we come up with motto’s like “no pain, no gain” – like we actually enjoy the pain! Because apparently, we are winning – we will see about that when the consequences of neglecting the body take their toll…

As an example of this, I watched a mixed martial arts fight recently, where one man had the other man at his mercy, he could do nothing but protect himself from the attacks of the aggressing man, and so the referee stopped the fight and the aggressing man was declared the winner and defending man the loser. However, when the fight was over, the defending man who was declared the ‘loser’, had minor bumps and bruises on his body, while it was revealed that the man declared the ‘winner’ had dislocated and torn one of his big toes out of place – a horrendous injury and sight to see. He could not walk properly, and was looking now at months of rehab and healing where his foot and walking would not be the same. While the other man was fine…the ‘loser’ – that is like amazingly delusional shit. And yet, no one seemed to even notice this, let alone notice that both men were in fact losers for the mere fact that they would deliberately abuse their bodies all in the name of the success and the pursuit thereof. As has been said before, there are no winners in war.

Perhaps one day, we can make sports and competition real – meaning that we can re-define ourselves and what sports/competition is as a purely physical exercise where we learn to move as one and equal to our physical bodies, developing skill, ability, presence and self trust within this, where competition is to simply be competent as the competence of the physical body, moving in self trust, equal to and one. But for now, it is time to stop and investigate how we were brought up to think this way, how we have defined competition and sport because we are literally destroying ourselves for a pipe dream.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse and disregard my physical body within the desire to have an experience of being a ‘winner’ and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of loss to exist within me and from this, create the desire to win as a mental escape from the inferiority/fear of loss which I experience myself as within.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a positive association with pain, putting the body through stress/hardship, and the adrenaline rush which is produced within this experience, not realizing that this is the deception that has been created within the mind to keep me enslaved in competition.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined competition, sport and winning as something that is personalized where I am attempting to compensate for accepted and allowed inferiority’s through using others and the idea of them ‘losing’ and myself ‘winning’.

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to compete and ascertain the experience of ‘winning’ – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept and allow myself to participate within these desires as I see, realize and understand that I am compensating for accepted and allowed inferiority’s – rather, I support myself as my physical body to stop all inferiority’s and develop myself into a being of excellence that excels in the name of life – and not as self interest as inferiority.

I commit myself to stop the desire to compete as an individualized ego in the name of self preservation of the ego as separated, mental experience/entity, and to stand here as life, one and equal, no longer separate from self, creating within this the desire to compensate for this separation I have accepted and allowed through the pursuit of the mental experience of winning/superiority – I stand here as equal.