Tag Archives: life

Day 341: Integrity within relationships

 

If you’ve read some of my blogs, you may have noticed that relationships have been a prevalent point for me in my process of self change – the more I open up this point, the more I see how much it has limited my self expression.

 

Due to some fucked up experiences I had as a youngster, and coming from a divorced family, I have polarized my relationships extensively, living in a world of ‘good and bad’ relationships and people, where I’ve become longing for relationships and closeness with other human beings, while being paranoid and jaded about relationships at the same time. What I had never learned how to do was to remain stable, here, within and as breath, wherein I trust who I am and how I have defined myself within my reality, so that no matter what is going on with other people around me, I will always direct myself in a way that is best for all. What others do and how they behave is out of my control, but what I can do is to not participate in this game of love/hate that we play with ourselves, which then become projections onto others in the form of conflict emerging in our relationships. This is how wars start – it always takes two to tango, and until we learn to disengage ourselves and diffuse the situation, it will continue.

 

From a young age we learn that we need others, but when we have experiences where we feel others fail us or we are betrayed, this is where the paranoia and distrust is seeded. Too many times I have gone through the experience of seeking out others for positive relationships, only to end up disappointed and then moving to the opposite polarity: get away from people – yeah, that’s the solution!

 

Not really. Not only do we humans need each other, but if we can learn to actually understand and value each other as equals, we can really make this world an awesome place for everyone. The problem is that in seeking out others from a starting point of fearing loss, of fearing that without some kind of positive energetic experience within a relationship that we will be doomed, we end up creating what we fear. Within such a desire, I realized, it is as though I had already accepted tacitly that the natural state of relationships in life is one of failure, and thus, I must control things in every way possible to ensure the relationship is a positive experience, and that way it will work out somehow. But that really isn’t recognizing relationships for what they really are as an intrinsic part of who we are as human beings.

 

We will always be in relationships of one kind or another, that is inescapable – the question rather then simply who are we within our relationships? Do we fear loss and desire control? Or are we real – real with ourselves first in who we are, what our starting point is and what we’re all about? Are we real in not approaching relationships with fears that create secret desires and ulterior motives? Are we real within relationships that we have the integrity to not give into our fears, and rather face them and forgive them so that the relationship remains honest? Are we real enough to maintain that integrity to not deceive others out of our fear of loss, even if they may be playing the same game and want to be deceived with the same kind of fear-of-loss-based relationship? Many do not even realize they are playing this game and how artificial their relationships have become, and who they are within them that would have them use each other just to feel better about themselves and subside these underlying fears/issues by creating appearance of a positive experience/interaction with others, and you may find, when you get real, that this isn’t ‘good enough’. To be real, we are going to have to decide, with real specificity and self honesty, what is ‘good enough’.

 

It is possible to have real relationships where the commitment to life as what is best for all in equality is ‘good enough’ – but first we have to recognize such a point and stand by it with steadfastness, commitment and resolve before we can ever expect for others to recognize it

Day 335: Are we creators, or consumerist clones?

 

From an early age observed other kids in my neighborhood and how every single other kid seemed to have more than I did. When I am self honest and I really look back at some of my long-forgotten childhood memories I see that there were instances where I observed how those who had more seemed to be ‘better off’ somehow, like they were more successful somehow, had more fun, even behaved as if they were superior to me somehow – and then there were the television commercials that presented the stuff that they had (at this age it was mostly toys) as being the most amazing things – so I really had this sense of missing out on something and that I needed to get that which I did not have.

 

We all seem to go through this basic point through varying extents because to a degree, the amount of wealth we are born into does have a significant impact on the overall quality of our lives and the experience of ourselves, at least within the context of the socioeconomic climate that we live in of competition and hierarchy.

 

A common result of this is the “the grass is greener on the other side” syndrome – where what we believe we desire doesn’t so much have anything to do with the thing itself, but more so with the underlying status of it, and the fact that it is in the hands of another and not ourselves. We tend to want what others have.

 

The reason I am bringing this point up is that – if you have read some of my past blogs posts, you’ll see that I’ve written quite extensively on relationships – and my interest is how this underlying psychological condition of ‘wanting what we don’t have’ plays a significant role in how relationships so often end up being about having control over another.

 

In our world, everything has become commodified – from nature to people to animals – we are so deluded by ‘the way of the world’ of competition and the desire to be dominant and have power and control, that virtually everything that is a part of our life becomes an acquisition in the pursuit of the personal empires we build for ourselves. I was completely unaware of this point within myself until another pointed it out for me – how I had the idea of what ‘a perfect life’ would be in my mind, as I observed in my reality what it mean to be ‘successful’ – the perfect house, car, wife, family, toys – possessions – we tend to not see this about ourselves and how we live because we become possessed by our possessions and the pursuit thereof – that’s why it is called brainwashing, because you don’t know you’re brainwashed (usually until reality gives you a hard smack in the face, if you don’t take it upon yourself proactively to investigate yourself).

 

My interest at this point is how this point of ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ and desiring humans as commodities for relationships fuels the so-called ‘physical attraction’ between men and women. Each gender has what the other does not. And if the attraction is homosexual rather than heterosexual, the point is still that one is desiring access to something that another has.

 

I have not investigated this point in depth, but to ignore the way in which we are socialized and it’s influence on the way we think, feel and experience ourselves, towards ourselves and others, would be foolish. We may not understand how, we may not yet know why, and so this directly indicates that there is ‘more than meets the eye’ in terms of the underlying reason for why we are the ways that we are. After all, we are only actually aware of about %10 of our minds as the conscious mind. Most of us, if asked the question why we like what we like tend to answer “because I like it” – this is called circular logic, something we tend to attribute to those who subscribe to something religiously. Are our likes, desires and preferences our religions? Has the desire to acquire possessions and consume our way to happiness not become a way of life on earth?

 

Letting go of desire is liberating to the nth degree, but as I have found, is not always so simple as the programming/conditioning of our culture/society exist at mostly a subconscious level – but what is possible is to make a commitment to work towards understanding ourselves sufficiently to be able to let go, and to make the commitment to ourselves to be ready to let go – we will lose everything anyways – and if there is any real ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ why we are here on earth it is to show us that – that the fear of loss and subsequent desire to feel ‘alive’ through consuming, acquiring possessions and building monuments/legacies to ourselves is the greatest con we have ever convinced ourselves of, the greatest cosmic joke we have played on ourselves. What we perceive as ‘losing everything’ – that which we feat most – is giving up nothing for everything because we give up a lie to be able to embrace the truth: that there is nothing to gain: and within that, there is nothing to lose.

 

We can continue to believe that the systems of win and loss that we have indoctrinated ourselves with are real, or we can stop playing games with ourselves, grow up and take self responsibility in realizing that we are the source of it all to begin with, that there is no religion – theological, consumerist or otherwise – there is only us, and that which we experience of ourselves in this reality is only ever based on that which we create and give to ourselves. This truth of creation applies to absolutely ever facet and level of our lives and our selves. To see where we have abdicated and given away this power of ourselves is the journey to understanding what it means to create.

Day 334: The trap of comfort and what it means to live life in the moment

 

A couple days ago I wanted to watch a music DVD that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I remember enjoying this dvd, band and their music a lot at that time, and so when I wanted to watch it, I wanted to share it with my girlfriend as something ‘good/cool’. What I tend to forget about points such as this with regards to music is that, despite having some education as to the technical workings/aspects of music, much of what I consider ‘good’ and worth sharing is just out of personal opinion, based on personal preference. There is absolutely no objective facts that somehow state that my music is better than others, or special in any way for that matter.

 

Within this there is also an underlying point which is the desire to ‘connect’ with another person through sharing such personal interests as personal preferences/opinions of things I enjoy. But it is impossible to truly connect with someone on something that is based only in opinion and personal preference.

 

What I also notice is that because I have defined some music as ‘more valuable than other music’ and ‘special’ than others, there is almost a sense of urgency that I must share it, as if I am waging some kind of propaganda war, some kind of opinion war where I must show and give as much exposure as possible to my propaganda, to my opinions, to my preferences, and if I do not, it is as if something will be lost.

 

I have already been shown through many experiences that this simply does not work – to attempt to control moments within the idea of trying to ‘make something special happen’, to create some kind of special experience with special things, with special elixirs – I mean it sounds like a form of magic where I am trying to create a certain energetic experience through ‘connecting with another’ on a point of opinion – a mental connection, and thus a metaphysical connection.

 

This is not life, this is not something that is constant, stable, consistent – it is rather based on the characters that we believe ourselves to be, which have been programmed since birth through societal and media experiences/conditioning, which are the character/personality types that determine what are our preferences and opinions.

 

Life, I have found, is something that is emergent, something not necessarily predicted so specifically – though it can be predicted based on essential principles, it is not something that must take on a certain form or character. It is not something that must be so controlled and prescribed. Life is here in every moment of every experience, and every moment/experience is in fact equal – but it is our personal preferences/opinions that limit us from embracing this fully and unconditionally.

 

Real sharing can only come in sharing the reality of life, of being here in every moment equally in the physical reality that we all share in fact, devoid of personalized opinions and beliefs, where all moments are actually lived fully – there is not a single moment in our lives that is not a moment of value – but by looking for/trying to create moments of value/moments that are special, we miss what is already here, that life already in itself is special. I have had some fascinating experiences of understanding, interaction and personal growth when I have least expected it – and again it is not as though these moments were anything special, they were just surprisingly unseen, as the real life experience that can be had when we let go our our preprogrammed, predetermined and prescribed ideas/beliefs/opinions/notions of what life should be, of what is apparently valuable or special or meaningful.

 

We fear to give up that which we have preprogrammed and prescribed in our life as being special, the prescribed drugs of comfort as that which is familiar to us which keeps us drugged in a state of feeling as if ‘everything is ok’ because we feel safe and secure only experiencing and accepting and participating in what we know. But what if the only real security in life is to let go of all attempts to stick to what we have defined as secure and comfortable, to abandon all that we have grown accustomed to and comfortable with, and embrace life itself fully and completely? This is the real key to learning, to living a life where the education of life never ends and we give ourselves true purpose by living a life where we can constantly grow and become better. I mean, there is so much in this world to learn and do, it is virtually endless.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined certain things in my reality as the things that I like, based on the fact that they are familiar, known, and thus I identify with them as a way of establishing my own identity and thus establishing myself in this world within the starting point of survival as fear of loss – and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made opinions about certain things in my life as being special/better than/more important than others, whether those things be music, TV shows, movies, people, places, things, animals, activities, sports, foods, – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and limit myself according to the things, environments, people and activities that I am familiar with and accustomed to, not realizing that such points I have become attached to within the fear of surviving/losing myself, as if I am clinging onto them for dear life, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of such things, to stop defining myself by them and participating in them, and moving onto new points, embracing the unknown within the self directive principle of life and living within self honesty and self trust

 

Thus, when and as I see myself defining/believing certain things, people, experiences, places, environments, foods, cultures, activities, sports, animals as being more special/having more value than others, and thus wanting to stick to only participating in such points and promote such points as something special/’more than’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand the self limitation I am imposing on myself as self definition, ego and pride, and how I am limiting myself from actually embracing and living life – and thus I do not participate in such beliefs that what I identify with are special and the desire to participate in and promote them, as such desires arise in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – I commit myself to set myself free from the fear of loss/fear of losing myself that I have created as self definition, and live here as breath, embracing every new moment unconditionally within principles that are best for all life, as self trust and self honesty in embracing who I really am by letting go of self definition

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the implications of an underlying fear of loss/fear of death/fear of losing myself, that such fears create a tendency within me to always try to find a point of habit as experiences, which I then associate with my environment and surrounding things/people, which I find comfortable because it appeases these fears by creating an experience of comfort/stability/that I am surviving well, and that I will then always try to situate myself within/define myself by such habitual living patterns and will begin to trust them because they suit my desire to survive and be comfortable, and thus no matter where I am or what I am doing, I will always try to find this point of normality/regularity/stability through habit – not seeing and realizing the point that living life is fluid and dynamic and cannot be entrapped within a point of habits/patterns which I then define myself by/associate with, and thus that the only real stability that I am able to experience is a stability that is lived as self where, no matter where I am or what I am doing or who I am with, I am stable within/as myself within the self trust of remaining here as breath and not going into the mind to create certain habits/identities within the fear of survival, and thus by remaining here as breath in self honesty, I trust myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all life, and thus myself because I am life

 

I commit myself to stop the tendency to associate myself with/define myself by/limit myself to being a ‘creature of habit’, wherein I look for living patterns/habits that I am comfortable with which I can then automate myself into, not realizing that this is an abdication of self, of who I am, as the breath of life that I have been given as the opportunity to realize what life is and live life here as myself in every moment, as the opportunity to create a life/self/world that is best for all, that is quite cool because it is made in the image and likeness of myself of that which I would like to give to myself/create for myself, enjoy and experience

Day 325: Standing in the mess-age as the message

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Human beings are really only as good as what they know: it is the knowledge that we operate and function on that determines what we will live and the choices we make. In this ‘age of information’, the temptation to live in ignorant bliss is the greatest it has ever been, because we as human beings are given no directive guidelines/principles within which we can direct ourselves with the knowledge and information that we take on and experience as our world/reality.

In fact, the very notion of self-direction is suppressed in virtually every way possible: and we are rather just subject to the information we experience and the world systems that function according to this information, teaching us 1 thing: that we are inferior, that we cannot direct ourselves and our reality, to give up on ourselves and just turn to entertainment and other petty preoccupations, that we can never have any real true freedom or happiness, that we are forever limited to the reality and information that we are presented with. And so, the desire to live in ignorant bliss is greater than ever, because in ignorant bliss, one can attempt to escape and get away from the knowledge and information that controls their mind and their life, that they have accepted as ‘the way things are’ in this reality. At every turn our reality is bombarding us with this information about ‘the way things are’ – it is in our commercials, on our TV, in our movies, magazines, newspapers, books, schools, from friends and families – all communicating 1 essential message: you are a slave, you can never change your reality, you must follow and be content with the content that is presented to you as your entertainment. Even our knowledge becomes as polarized as we are because our reading skills and ability to assess information become subject to the ‘good kinds of knowledge’ (entertainment) and the ‘bad kinds of knowledge’ (knowledge about our world/reality).

So as we are living in this age of information, with the internet and the widespread reach of information being like it has never been before on this earth, we are bombarded and there is more pressure to conform and give up than ever before – and yet it is in this bombardment that we are given the keys to our reality: when we decide to be self directive, when we decide that we will face this world as the information it throws at us, when we decide to take self responsibility in understanding that which we are faced with as our world and how we have come to create it – a new self is able to emerge from within it all, and this new self is able to create a new world in its image and likeness. As such, self is no longer required to feel subject to all that self is exposed to as the information of this reality that has influenced and controlled the way that self lives and exists – another way is possible where we exist within it all, yet we are no longer controlled, affected or directed by it all. It takes self honesty, it leads to self forgiveness, and inevitably self change, because when standing self honestly in the face of what this world has become – a playground for demons as those lost in delusion – we have no other recourse than to stand as the solution of what is best for all life. However, no said it would be easy.

The amount of deception and delusion that exists in this reality – which is dispensed at the level of knowledge/information – is extensive and surely this endeavor of standing within it all as the message of life that holds life in the highest regard above all knowledge/information as cultural brainwashing and deception, is an endeavor that will require steadfastness, strictness, humbleness, perseverance, self will, self forgiveness, self honesty, self will and self commitment – to no longer be influenced by the information that controls our lives through spoken words and written symbols, and to unconditionally stand as a beacon of stability as self trust in self honesty, only allowing self to live by and according to the principles which honor all life equally in the highest regard. They key in self honesty is to be forthcoming as the one who is equally and the utmost responsible for what we have created as this massive deception that exists on earth as the knowledge/information that we are conditioned by, identify ourselves by and live according to – I have committed the same sins, I have fallen just as my fellow man has and as the one responsible for creating this age we are living in, as one who finds themselves equally here as part of this mess-age, I stand as the message of life: that the knowledge and information that we live by that is in conflict with life and seeks to abuse and destroy life will no longer be allowed to have any power or control over myself as life – and as such I remain here as the breath of life, directing all that may require direction as my attention given as necessary to sort out the mess we have found ourselves in. This is a commitment that can not be fickle or fair-weather, but must be done in the face of all words that are thrown at us as the continued bombardment of the words/knowledge/information that seeks to enslave us and keep us trapped in patterns of the past, where we believe we are safe, but where the system always has you the most controlled.

Day 324: What is really important in my life?

Recently I find myself having an experience of weariness, I have grown weary of my life, about some aspect of the way I am living. Identifying this experience of ‘weariness’ (which is kind of like a form of being bored/having grown disinterested) is important because I can see that this is what leads to the experience of me wanting to escape my reality. The tendency to escape started a long time ago, for the same reasons: there was something about my life (perhaps many things) that I was dissatisfied with, and not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to direct myself and not having any tools to support myself with – and having many options presented to me as ways that I can escape my reality, like TV, relationships, games etc. – I resorted to escaping my reality. Eventually these escapes would become addictions habits which become extremely difficult to break. But it all started with this experience of being ‘fed up’ and unsatisfied with my life.

So now here I am recognizing this point again and the subsequent desire to escape reality. My dissatisfaction with ‘life’ is really self dissatisfaction. This is because I know that so many things I have become focused on in life are really not important, they are superficial, selfish and self-serving, and really make no difference in the ‘bigger picture’ of life. Maybe it is not normal to be dissatisfied with ‘having a regular life’ – to be bored with living a life of self-interest where my main focus is just surviving, entertaining myself and keeping myself happy – maybe it is not normal to want to focus on the world around me and want to make it a better place – but to just survive becomes really boring – in fact, my survival on this earth is virtually guaranteed, and having already busied myself with massive amounts of entertainment in my life, I can’t help but feel like I am just wasting my life away if I don’t do something more, try something radically different. I mean, to just live a life pursuing my own happiness and thrills: is this really all there is? This is not to mention that in a world that is based on the cut-throat principle competition and ‘winner takes all’, my happiness is having to come at the expense of others, and I have to subscribe to this game where I am living in constant fear and spitefulness towards my fellow man, always trying to get ahead and be the winner. I’m tired of this.

And yet I fear loss. I fear that if I change my living, that if I stop participating in this game, where all my relationships are just ways where we stimulate each others ego’s and help each other try and feel good about ourselves and win this big game called ‘the human race’, where all my entertainment just serves to make me feel good by playing on my insecurities or excite me based on my suppressed fears. I fear that others will misunderstand because in fact: to be a better person and make a difference in the world requires a great degree of integrity and hard work, and it is the kind of work that gets no attention, no recognition or praise, because the only kind of work that seems to get any recognition in this world is the kind of work that appeals to peoples ego’s, to people’s self interest. To do what is best for all life is not an example that appeals to any-one because it is work that is not designed in the best interest of only the one person – it is best for all – and so no one ego will be stimulated and excited by this. I mean being stimulated into excitement by something is always ego, and as I write this I wonder how few people even understand what I am saying.

I fear to walk ‘the road less traveled’ because pleasing people, following the crowd and getting attention from others by stimulating their ego and living as my own ego are things that I have associated with success and being successful. It takes a great deal of humbleness to simply do the work that will make the world a better place. The work will largely go unnoticed and this is unnerving for me because from a very young age I have associated success with ‘getting noticed’. And yet, this is not necessarily the case at all – this is the version of success that we are brainwashed with in the media as popularity and ‘stardom’. To simply ‘set my nose to the grindstone’, put my head down and do the work that has to be done, and give up all forms of stimulation, of desiring attention – will be a great challenge that will not come without resistance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ‘my life’ and accepting the truth about life: that life is not ‘mine’ – life is not a commodity to be owned, gained, acquired and competed for, where I focus only on my own pleasure and personal gain which I experience as ego/mind as being stimulated/excited into feelings of happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to let go of my life as my own self interest and to live a life that is best for all is the only thing that will give me any real satisfaction and wholeness: where I am fulfilled because I no longer live for the insatiable void that is created by existing in self interest, and happiness/fulfillment is no longer experienced as an energetic experience, because I accept myself as whole/fulfilled/enough, by living the statement of being satisfied/having enough, by living in humbleness and shifting my priorities so that they are aligned with that is best for all life, and within such fulfillment/humbleness, I make the living statement that I am self satisfied by focusing on the needs of others and giving of myself so that the real needs of others can be fulfilled

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that relationships and entertainment that only stimulates me and makes me happy are useless in the long term and are essentially a dead end road

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to walk away from a life of self interest and to let go of that which is based/created in self interest is going to be difficult, and cpme with resistance, and will experienced as an immense experience of ‘fear’ where it feels like ‘my world is going to fall apart’ and that this is the trap that the ego sets up as a self-experience to keep self from ever breaking out of the mind-control of self interest – and that freedom will only come as I give it: by walking through such experiences and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to give into the fears of ego, as the desire for self fulfillment within the belief that “I need this or I will not be happy/will not be a success/may not survive in this world”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be popular and have positive relationships with others where we must stimulate each other positively in order to survive and have a successful life and within this, to believe that it is good and noble to be the best at stimulating others positively because this is what will apparently bring me success and happiness and fulfillment – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate popularity and getting attention with success/happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to simplicity of breath and the simplicity of what is here in this world as a guideline for my living and what is important and what are my priorities in life

I commit myself to focus on doing what is best for all life and to put in the time and do the work necessary and to take seriously my commitments to life as if they were the most important job that I have ever had: as I see, realize and understand that in reality, when I step beyond the brainwashing of fear/self interest of the mind, in fact my work/job/money/survival/relationships are not important, and the most important thing in this world in fact is to make a difference to change the systems and stop the massive amount of suffering that exists in this world

I commit myself to live the statement of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ with regards to making a difference in this world: meaning that my focus should not be so much on ‘what should I do’, but rather my starting point and priorities, as my recognition of what really matters and what is really important, as I see, realize and understand that if I am truly self honest about what matters in life and what does not, then the ‘what should I do’ will become obvious and come naturally, as I will simply no longer be sidetracked by the bait of self interest as desire that keeps me from recognizing what is important and acting accordingly

When and as I see myself experiencing the fear of loss and the experience of ‘my world is falling apart/I am losing everything’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the trap of the ego where it uses the addiction of pleasure and stimulation as happy feelings as a trap to never break out of the mind control of self interest and to live in a way where I am simply satisfied with being taken care of and having everything I need, so that I may then work towards the betterment of all life in humbleness as I am no longer controlled by always wanting more – and thus when this fear/experience arises as my thoughts, feeling s and emotions, I remain here as breath and do not participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather continue to breathe until the energy stops to see and prove to myself that: I am still here, I do not fear to lose the mind/energy/addiction, and that I can exist and be fulfilled in simply being satisfied by existing here as breath with a body that is taken care of and has all its needs met, and so I continue down this road less traveled by living as breath in simply supporting the physical body, in humbleness as the consideration of all life as equal and one, and in gratefulness to be here in this body/life with the opportunity to make a difference

Day 321: Desiring intimacy within a relationship

Here I am looking at the point of how I have defined the word ‘intimacy’ as something outside of myself, separate from myself. When I look at the word intimacy, I can see how I have defined this within having a relationship – preferably with my ‘ideal’ relationship partner, which is another point I have written about extensively in previous blog posts. So, I have defined intimacy as something that exists within a relationship, separating myself from intimacy and placing it within a relationship, so that apparently the experience of intimacy is only possible within a relationship. Within the relationship, intimacy is further defined as a lot of touching, hugging, kissing, sex, and ‘deep’ conversations, which is another way of saying conversations that are emotionally charged, usually with the energy of fear.

A long time ago I read a really insightful article on what intimacy really is, with regards to self intimacy – you can check out the article here: http://desteni.org/a/winged-exploring-self-intimacy – this article really opened my eyes to the fact that I have neglected myself, I have avoided self reflection and really facing who I am and what I’ve become, extensively, while in pursuit of love, relationships, and all kinds of ‘higher’ energetic experiences – living a life where I am always looking for the next high because within myself I am ’empty’ in a kind of way, because by not being intimate with myself, I had abandoned myself, and thus was this insatiable appetite for energetic highs through experiences was created, which I then searched out in romantic relationships.

Thus now it is time do bring myself back to myself, to again become intimate with myself in self honesty, facing who I am and what I have become as a living principle of doing what is best for all life, as from this starting point, I can direct myself in a way that is effective in taking all life into consideration, so that my life is not wasted in a bubble of exclusion, but is rather based on the intimate understanding that all life is one and equal, and thus who I am and how I live should be oriented as such.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself with relationships – focusing on my relationship and my partner so that I am not self directive and focused on myself, and giving my attention and concern to my partner and the survival of the relationship, rather than to first be intimate with myself and focus on myself and that what I am living and who I am is that which is best for all life. Thus I commit myself to bring myself back here through breathing, and to focus myself on myself by utilizing tools like breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application – when and as I see myself being prompted to participate in my tendency to look to others/my partner as a way of essentially taking attention away from myself and distracting myself from my only real ‘power’ as an ability to have any real effect in my living and changing this world to a place that is best for all, I stop, and I breathe, and I do not participate in such desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and rather breathe through the fear that drives me to focus on my partner that is justified as the fear of losing the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as something that exists separate from myself, that can only be achieved and experienced through romantic relationships with a beautiful woman, and that I have further defined intimacy within a relationship as touching, kissing, hugging and sex – not seeing and realizing that intimacy is here – it starts with me, alone with myself, being intimate with myself in getting to know myself and standing as life within/principles that consider and are best for all life – thus I commit myself to redefine and live the word ‘intimacy’ as starting with myself, being honest with myself, directing myself, and living a life that takes my self as life/all life into consideration as equal and one, and thus I commit myself to stop the desire to experience intimacy as something separate from myself as sex and sexual touching within a relationship and rather insist that intimacy be expressed from a starting point of self honesty: as self intimacy, equal and one to/as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as having ‘deep conversations’ with my partner that are emotionally charged, and that I have allowed myself to yearn for this experience/try and create it where I have not first been intimate and honest with myself – thus I commit myself to stop trying to ‘create an experience of intimacy in my relationship as having deep conversations with my partner as a form of trying to control the relationship from a starting point of trying to maintain the survival of the relationship, and rather I begin with self intimacy as self honesty, as the point from which all other self expression as intimacy may emerge, without the fear of losing control of my relationship as the attempt of the mind to try and continue to maintain control by keeping the definition of intimacy as something separate from self within/as a relationship – when/as I see this desire to have an experience of intimacy as deep conversation arise within me, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is the mind trying to control me through maintaining intimacy as something defined separate from self within a relationship, as the mind is extremely tricky in presenting projections of intimacy that appear real and fulfilling – and thus I remain here as breath and do not participate when such desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have defined intimacy as creating some kind of experience with my partner wherein we feel like there is a ‘connection’ between us because we have stimulated each other sufficiently into feeling good through having positive thoughts about ourselves, the other and the relationship as such experiences are in alignment with a symbolism of intimacy and love that has been imprinted in my mind through my mind and society – thus I commit myself to no longer define intimacy as purely creating positive experiences with others such as sex or other things that stimulate happy thoughts/feelings, as this can be tricky as it is only giving the mind energy and an experience of happiness but is not necessarily real, as countless relationship experiences have shown me that started out positive this way but ended up negative because once the energy ran out and we were no longer able to stimulate each other through separation (as we had come to know each other better and begin to see that in fact we are not so different and that real ‘love’ is not so elusive and thus exciting) then all of a sudden intimacy and love ceased to exist – thus when and as I see myself desiring to create a positive experience with my partner in some way where we can connect and be stimulated together sufficiently – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire only exists in the pursuit of keeping a relationship alive that is based in separation – and thus I do not participate in this desire of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather commit myself to remain here as breath and act in self honesty as breath in the physical, without fear of loss as the desire for a relationship directing me

Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

Day 317: The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following Principles:

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 304: Scheduling and the ability to be directive

 

I have written on this point before. It is proving to me a more challenging point as I have not yet been able to actualize that which is ideal. What I have not done consistently is to be persistent on the point, although I’m persisting now – so let’s say I have not been consistently persistent lol.

 

Now I am on vacation, and although it may seem strange to be focused on scheduling and disciplining myself, the truth is that life never stops and I have spent enough tie in my life vacating reality to not be persistent about developing effective work ethic and self application through organization and scheduling. Also, the vacation is a great opportunity to start with this point.

 

How will I go about this? The main ingredient in being effective with scheduling is self honesty and that is also the biggest challenge because there will be moments where I fear to give up whatever is here in the moment because I have to stick to my schedule. Keeping up any habit requires energy, attention and time, so I fear my schedule will take time away from that which I believe I must give attention to. Here self honesty is absolutely crucial because I have to recognize that old systems that I used to survive in the past simply don’t work. For instance – being obsessive about relationships and having a partner – in the past I would obsess over this point within an underlying belief that I could be saved by others, believing that the feeling I got from being immersed in a relationship and feeling ‘loved’/’cared for’ would somehow equate into surviving and having a good life, because this is what I had observed/believed from a young age with my parents and people around me.

 

Of course it does matter to be a part of this world, to truly interact – but relationships as we know them today have becoming a way of ‘interacting within a starting point of how we are different/separate wherein we fulfill fake roles that will apparently please each other. Within such a point, the drive is to become the character I believe I must be as much as possible, as fully as possible, completely immersing my whole life in it so I can live the character in absolutely every single moment – then it must be real! This is the belief system.

 

But with regards to real interaction and real living, it is important to remember the point of quality over quantity. Some of the people who had the greatest impact on my life, who could truly touch me in the core of my being beyond any form of ‘personalized intimacy’ I have ever known, did it swiftly and with effectiveness.

 

So this is the point: effectiveness: and if I am effective with myself and my own living, I am able to be effective in my living/interaction with others, and actually give more value and real meaning to my living here among others, more efficiently and effectively, which means I can do it more, and for more people. Once again, in giving up that which I fear to lose I am in fact gaining, because I am giving myself back to myself through truly living myself, truly taking the opportunities I have been gifted, truly living to my full potential. This point resonates in a way that is also beyond words and as I have found before, I will surely become more effective with my words because rather than trying to control with words, I become the directive principle in my life and thus my words become directive as an expression of myself as the directive principle.

 

Now I will begin scheduling.

Day 293: Letting go of past vices and the tools for a new life

 

One thing that I am well aware of which makes writing more difficult, is the things I do to escape reality – the habits and patterns I have developed which give me the experience of ‘taking a break’ from the difficulties I experience in life. The more I give into these vices, the more my resistance to writing – a real solution – grows. This is the essential problem that we as a species are facing: we are so addicted to our vices and the things we use to cope with our mistakes and deficiencies that we will not even consider a real solution.

 

What is different in my case is that I have been given tools to find my way out of the mess that I got myself in, also known as my mind, as the accumulation of memories/experiences I’ve had and how they define me. What I see when I look back is that I developed all these coping mechanisms during a time in my life where I had no other answers, no other tools, and no sign of help or assistance ever coming. From this a kind of experience of hopelessness emerged, and this is where I sort of said “fuck this, I’m going to just do my own thing that pleases me”, and so the vice was born, the escape artist was born. The more that I (we) move down this path of escapism as the solution, the more trapped we become in it, and it is really no way to live, it is self perpetuating weakness, it is a life of fear, anxiety and lack of self trust because we are deeply aware of what we are doing, that we have forgotten from where we came and ignore the path that we are headed towards. Who wants to live that kind of life?

 

And yet I see how I have come to believe that living this way is the only way. It is difficult to even fathom a life without my vices, like wow, it seems like it is beyond comprehension. I mean, talk about brainwashed, talk about controlled, talk about enslaved. But what I had forgotten is that this view stems from this overall mentality of escapism as the solution, and that this was formed during the period in my life when I had no solutions. Now the escapism doesn’t work anymore (or I’ve just realized it), but it is different this time: I have the tools. I have the answers, because I created the problem. I am the problem, because it is me who accepted the belief of what I apparently want as vices that I use to escape. I do not need to fear anymore to disengage from these escapes, because I have the tool – it is time to persist in giving myself the self support that I require, that I always wished for but never got because I never before realized that I am my own creator.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the act of giving up and all of the vices that I use to escape reality were formed at a time when I felt I had no other solutions/alternatives, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I no longer require to put my faith and trust in these vices, I no longer have to put faith in them as I have the solution here as me as self honesty and self forgiveness and thus it is only a matter of remaining here as breath and not giving into the desires of the mind to escape, so that I may give myself the breathing room to walk a new path of living and self discovery wherein I am the directive principle

 

I commit myself to embrace the tools I have been given as gifts with which to set myself free from the limitations of the mind and to commit myself to use these tools on a daily basis so that I may stop escaping my reality within the belief that life is my enemy, and I may embrace all that I encounter in my journey as I have the tools to live and express myself as one and equal in all that I may encounter and experience