Tag Archives: illusion

Day 338: The Freedom of giving up



I have noticed many times that the desire and attempt to control my reality is really prevalent. It is absurd from a certain perspective in that it assumes that we know what we want, which we often find out when we get what we want, that we have no clue what it is that we want or even where the idea of what we want comes from – ‘be careful what you wish for’.


The desire/attempt to control is obviously an exhausting experience, it takes a lot of energy and stressful effort, the fear is so draining. When this energy depletes us, we then sometimes have the opportunity to consider what the hell it is that we are doing. Giving up may become a considerable option when we have had enough of this tiresome exercise in futility.


But what it is interesting is that we fear to give things up, because of how we perceive giving things up: that our world will somehow fall apart if we stop trying to control it – not realizing that we are only giving up an illusory idea.


From the perspective of what real life is, it is impossible to give up, because you cannot escape who you are. And in the attempt to control our world within an idea of the mind about who we are and what we want, we are giving our real selves up, and denying the fact of who we really are as life – the point we cannot give up but attempt to.


So when considering what it means to give up, you cannot, for instance, give up on your world, other people, your job, the world systems etc. – all the things that you are intrinsically a part of that are inescapable – you can only give up how you have defined them and judged them, and how you have defined yourself to be, and who you believe yourself to be within them. You can only give up on the desire to be special within them, on the desire to escape them, on the desire to fight them, on the belief that you are separate from them, on how you have defined them as something to be feared, on how you have defined yourself as being limited to/controlled by them. One way or another, you are always here within/and as this world, among others. The only thing that prevents us from taking responsibility for this situation and making it a situation that is really ideal and one that we would like to experience, is the belief in something more, in the belief that we are not responsible and thus must somehow escape it or fight it or deny it or whatever.


Ultimately it is not our outer world that is the problem, it is the reflection of ourselves that we see in it. We don’t see how we are existing within ourselves as beings that are responsible for our outer world, and that the primary focus should be on who we are as this determines the experience of our outer world. The more we attempt to control our outer world, the more we miss this point, our real point of power in taking self directive principle and self responsibility. We see the absolute prison and police state that our world is becoming – is this not enough evidence to see that this line of thinking/these courses of actions are completely futile? Who would have thought that change comes from within and starts with self? It is only when we give up how we view ourselves and our reality in an attempt to control things within a pre-programmed idea of what life should be that we give ourselves an opportunity to give back to ourselves a world of real enjoyment that we would like to experience and live in.


The reward of giving up the desire to control things to have an outcome that you believe you desire, is firstly the massive sigh of relief you get from no longer attempting to control things, followed by the realization that none of it really mattered at all in the first place, and the lastly, the reward of being able to focus on things that really matter, of living a life where control is not necessary because what matters becomes obvious common sense as it is within the context and consideration of what is best for all life as one and equal.

Day 303: Some times we are living in…


One of the greatest things I was ever shown was how the mind has become an absolute trap – that the information which comprise the mind which is that we have been taught through experience in our culture/society, is not taught in my best interest – it is only here to lead me astray, to disempower me, to make sure that I am stuck in the mind that is based on belief, ideas, ideology, opinions, perceptions – never based in reality – so that I am not able to have any real effect in my reality whatsoever.

This is how we are all raised (razed?) and it is no wonder hoards and hoards of people – the vast majority of humans – are essentially useless, ineffective and are thus able to be controlled by a tiny percentage of the population who wield no real power but the ability to have us deceive ourselves within/as our own minds – we control ourselves for them. Having as much of an ego as I did at the time that I found this out, it was a great shock, and in vast contrast to how I had wanted to perceive myself: as being powerful and in control. It is that same ego that felt insulted, ridiculed, embarrassed – which drove me to zealously want to uncover the truth and figure things out.

It was only then later after I did sufficient research from sources less heard, walking a road less traveled, that I began to figure out that ego itself was part of the problem – that no matter what the illusion is that I am trapped in, the essential point is that my delusions were all about ME – self serving, and never in consideration of all life as equal and one. I began to see that the problem is not the brainwashing per say, but the brainwashed, following the religion of self-interest – a game that only a few people in positions of privilege and advantage will ever win.

I sometimes found it difficult to make this connection – between my own weaknesses, fears, insecurities, and the ‘bigger picture’ of the absolute mess that our society/world has become. But the more I let go, I see that it is the combined self-limitations of all people on earth, administered as brainwashing and mind control, that have us collectively creating the world as it is today.

Sometimes we stop because we realize what we are doing to ourselves. Sometimes we stop because we see what we are doing to others. Eventually, stopping becomes a point of common sense that is really what is best for all, and this is what stopping is becoming for me in my process. It is less about my reaction and anger and disgust with what I have seen in the world, and more of a common sense point because the way my life had become was no way of life at all – it had just become normal.

Sometimes it seems so difficult to question what has become normal and the way we have always existed and done things. How much is enough? How much does it take to make us stand up and take self responsibility to sort things out? Everyone has a threshold – no matter how lost, deluded or trapped – everyone has a ‘breaking point’ where they can take no more, once it dawns on us what we have actually been doing. That dawn is upon us and better we open our eyes than to resist what is here.

We all require to take a long, hard look in the mirror, we need it so badly that it should be a top priority in every free moment of our lives, if we actually were to recognize how much life matters. That long, hard look is best done through writing. Is it really such a big deal to question that which we have always trusted? Is it really so hard to consider that maybe there is another way? Is it really so hard to look at our world and consider – maybe this is not working, and maybe I am this which I observe in my external reality – maybe it is me.

Day 287: Positive Illusions and the desire to control

Recently stress has been occurring in my life due to my attempts to control things that are simply out of my control. I have been attempting to control things from the starting point of believing that “this thing is a good thing, and thus I must hold onto it, I must maintain and sustain it”. It is really only due to this belief that I have struggled and become so stressed because if I were to let go of this belief, I would not simply fear losing the point but rather consider who I am without it and who I will decide to be without .

By believing that this point is ‘good’ from a starting point of believing that I need it or that I will be worse-off without out it or I am missing something. So much needless stress and anxiety could have been averted if I had simply questioned my belief.

I know I am being vague and not specific about what exactly this particular point is, but it is interesting because now that I see the principle of what I am describing through being general/vague, I can see how it applies to so much in my life, so many others points, and also applicable to so many other people in this world. It is the one thing that keeps us from really changing for the better: the belief that what we already have is positive. We hold onto positive illusions and fear the negativity of reality, when in fact the only positivity that can ever exist, exists within letting go of all illusions, no matter how seemingly positive, and simply remaining here in physical reality so that we can direct it in a way that is best for all life.

Now what remains for me is only the fear of others judging and misunderstanding me for letting go of/disengaging in what is believed to be positive. But if I fear this point, if I react to this point, it is only showing that I too still fear letting go of this point and have doubt/uncertainty about it. If I am ever to expect others to come to the same understanding or to be able to support others in any way to break free of their own positive illusions, I have to be absolute in my standing, I can not allow myself to fear or react when others judge or misunderstand. Even if I go into the other extreme/polarity of fighting with others or trying to prove something to others, I am in fact tacitly still supporting these positive illusions by fearing losing them or still believing that they are so real that I fear their might and power over me through their power and might over others – when others are really just under positive illusions, nothing more, no matter how real they make it seem.

Thus the point is to remain honest with self in every breath, to not react or fear but rather trust self through self honesty, and simply explain or clarify to those who misunderstand/judge if necessary or even possible – in many cases I will need to be ready to have others simply judge, misunderstand, get nasty even – and still just remain here within and as breath, trusting myself, being honest with myself, and within this, establishing myself and what is really real in this reality as my self directive principle – I trust myself to remain here in self honest common sense and do not allow myself to be influenced by the grip of fear from the positive illusions I have created which only serve to enslave me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of that which I believe is positive, or to try to fight to let go of it or somehow prove that it is not positive – when in fact all that is necessary is to remain here within and as breath and direct myself to not give into fear/desire. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require a point that I have defined as positive/good that exist outside/separate from myself in order to live and thus fearing that if I lose this point, I will somehow be worse off or damned.

I commit myself to no longer stand by that which I have come to believe is positive, and when the tendency/urge arise to act on this belief as actions that are designed to sustain and maintain these positive illusions that I have created – I stop, I breathe, I remain here as breath and I do not allow myself to succumb to fear as self doubt, but rather trust myself through sticking to breath and giving myself the credit and self support that I do not require points of positivity that exist separate from me in order to live and have a fulfilled, dignified life – thus I do not give into this fear as desire to hold onto, defend or fight for illusions, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I embrace myself here in self trust as breath.

Day 268: Do I have time? Or does time have me?


Time is a strange thing in that it is perceptual, and how we perceive and experience time is essentially just a reflection of how we experiences ourselves within ourselves. Everyone has had those experiences of tiny moments that feel like an eternity and long moments that seem to have flown by.

We tend to correlate time with how we experience ourselves and use time as a way of contextualizing how we live and what we do. Do we have the time? Time is money, after all. Through this correlation, we tend to obsess over time itself and then begin basing life on the clock that we are watching. As if it is time who decides who we are and what we will do. Sure, we are only given a limited amount of time on this earth, but who we are and what we do within it should in no way be determined by something that we made up. I mean time is a measurement system – how the hell can we base the way we live on a system that we use to measure our living? Just the same way money is simply a system that measures and assesses value, and we then live our lives according to money.

I noticed today, my tendency to live according to time. Now what is interesting is that time is something that is created – when we really want something or need something or at least believe that we do, we will usually make the time for it. We tend to not have time for the things we don’t like, we just don’t spend time doing them. Within my frame/perception of time that I am living in, I notice that I have made time for all kinds of useless habits/patterns and addictions, because I have come to believe that I enjoy them – while there are many things I should really be giving my attention to, that I don’t – I don’t make the time for them because there is no desire as self interest. However I do have a conscience and know that I should be making time for these things – and I do – but just barely. Usually, I will wait until the end of a day to do personal self support writing or begin writing a blog. I will waste my time on meaningless shit because I am telling myself “it’s ok, I have the time, I can spare it”. This point of wasting time and postponing self responsibility is a big fuckup because in reality, given the state that we and our world are in, time is the last thing that we have to spare.

It takes practice to become effective with time, it takes discipline, it takes the self directive principle in each moment to say “ok, what am I going to do with this moment” and do it – then move onto the next moment and whatever is necessary to be done in the next moment – but as a self direction in self honesty, not just sort of going “ok, I think I’ll do this now, oh I feel like doing this so whatever I’ll just do it – never mind it’s relevance and whether or not it has any real value to life.

Basically, I have been managing my life according to time, managing it within the clock and how I have given the times of the clock different values and connotations that apparently make some things valid and other things not valid, depending on where I’m at in time. Rather than managing what I want to live and do according to time, wouldn’t it make sense to manage time according to what I want to live and do?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manage my life according to time, believing I have to do certain things at certain times or that I do not have time to do certain things or because it is the ‘wrong time’ to do them – I commit myself to learnt to live each moment equally and apply myself in each moment equally as doing what is really necessary to doing that moment, rather than to ignore the gift of time that I have by stagnating and using the belief of having time to spare to justify not using my time effectively.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘not having the time’ is an excuse to not have to do something that I might not prefer, as time is in fact created as it is based on priorities – thus I commit myself to stand and direct my moments of time to ensure that I am using time effectively in a way that is best for self as life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manage my life and what I will do according to time, and thus I commit myself to rather establish my priorities, who I will be and what I will do, in self honesty, and use time as a way to manage and measure my effectiveness with regards to my living application – I commit myself to direct myself effectively in self honesty as breath from moment to moment, taking on each new moment as the self directive principle with clarity as breath

Day 259: My life is so awesome



So just a quick follow up on yesterday’s blog, about challenging myself to stop useless time-wasting habits of entertainment for 24 hours. I really just stopped 1 habit, completely, which was my tendency to read sports news – although I found that this habit led to me participating less in other habits. The main thing I noticed about stopping this point, aside from generally having more focus, was that I had a lot more extra time than I expected – falling into entertaining oneself is easily able to be justified as just having a quick bit of fun, but we live in a world so immersed in access to extensive amounts of entertainment that it is easy to get lost in it. I would also attribute having more time to the more than usual focus I had, from not spending all this time preoccupied with something that stimulates me in such a way where I become excited and unfocused, and thus more effective/directive in the things which I participated in today. I can’t deny how much this helped, and how I really missed out on nothing – what I in fact ‘missed out on’ was wasting time on something that adds no value to my life whatsoever – giving myself newfound clarity and opportunity for new experiences and personal growth as a result of stopping. Thus, I will continue to abstain on this particular point.

Now onto todays point. I have noticed in recent times how fortunate I am to have been born into a life where I have access to basic resources, healthcare, some education, to have the money sufficient to explore myself and some of my own potential, this is something that so many in this world never get, purely because they were unlucky. I noticed that sometimes I even have thoughts about how great my life is, especially with the more success I have in my life, I actually have thoughts like ‘man, my life is awesome!’. Now here the delusion alarm bells are going off because: my life really isn’t that awesome, especially when you consider that no man is an island and thus for my life to be experienced as awesome is only relative to how shitty some have it in this world – how awesome can my life really be when millions of people don’t have the equal opportunity to have as good a life as me? Wouldn’t it be total self-absorption/greed to see it that way?

I look at some other people in this world, sometimes I don’t even need to hear their story, just a photo will suffice it to show that they simply never had the same opportunity to live to their full potential as I did – and I empathize, because that could have been me. Really, getting high on myself and my own individualized experience in this world is like a big ‘fuck you to them’, is a big superiority-complex-trip, where I am getting high off the fact that I am ‘better than’ someone who never got a chance. It is easy to imagine being that person who never got a chance – just imagine the life you completely fear to live – that is what they are living, and it is from the relativity of not being that person that one’s own ‘feeling high on life’ experience is based.

Better to learn some humility, some humbleness, some acceptance of the fact that all of the good qualities and skills and knowledge and all of these things I have been lucky enough to have experienced, attained and developed, were not of my own doing – it was all just luck – I can not take any real pride in that. The only real pride that can be taken is in using those unfair gifts towards the cause of giving everyone else on earth the same opportunity to live such a life. There is nothing else to want – I have already had it good enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that my apparent success and great life is in fact based purely on luck and the fact that others in this world don’t have such opportunities for a good life and that I have an awareness of this and a fear of living such a life – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get high off the experience of having success, not realizing that such success is not so much of my own doing as it is a matter of preprogramming, and thus to ‘feel good’ about my success is to accept and feel good about this preprogramming, which includes those who were preprogrammed into horrible lives of slavery and suffering

I commit myself to use my preprogramming as the success and advantages, skills and qualities I was pre-programmed to have, and put them to proper use by utilizing them to create a better world for all life, to use them to make myself better and into a being that cares for all life, and to no longer allow myself to lose myself in self interest, greed, and the insane, paranoid drive to have success and attain more, as if I do not have enough or there were a real possibility of my not surviving – which there isn’t – I commit myself to stop having such an ‘awesome life experience in self-interest and rather walk in humbleness as I live myself, express myself, improve myself, within the equal consideration of others and understanding that that which I have is not my own, but rather than which was unfairly given to me which is only mine to share and give to others as myself

Day 255: Who are we living for?


So I am currently studying for my exams at University, and busier than normal every day. I noticed how diligently I had been working and how effective I was able to be with my work, by remaining diligent and putting in the time, focus and concentration. Yet something bizarre also occurred to me – why am I not always this diligent? What could be accomplished and what would my life be like if I was always such a hard worker? And more importantly, what are my motivations and priorities in life that determine whether or not I am a hard, diligent worker?

And of course it was plain to see that the reason I become so diligent and hard working is that this is something that indirectly relates to my survival – it is something I am doing for me, that benefits me. Granted, I would probably not be in University, as part of an overall effort to better myself, if it were not for what I had learned about self honesty, equality and oneness from the Desteni material, as I realized the importance of improving myself so that I could be more effective in making this world a better place – but more directly, this is of personal benefit. I notice the same thing when it comes to work and making money – all the effort and determination is there, because I see a direct benefit. 

‘No man is an island’, and yet we are conditioned in such a way where we are only focused within a limited perception of seeing the direct benefit of something to ourselves – our education of how this physical reality actually functions within a principle of oneness/equality is so poor, that we never see the greater outflows of our decisions, actions, and the greater context of life within which we make them. We don’t see the importance of living within such a context. This affects everything we place importance and value on.

We’re always ready to work hard or fight hard or do whatever it takes so that we have take care of ourselves and have the lives we want to live, or maybe for those around us who we value and consider as loved ones, or those we associate with in our own minds through associative cults like nationalism, religion etc. – but to act within consideration of anyone outside of those circles, well, it just doesn’t happen.

I will work, fight, be diligent for myself or my loved ones – why do I not work diligently in support of all life as one? It is simply not in my programming. I mean look at what typically happens when it is proposed that one live in a way that is ‘best for all life’ – and we have seen this a lot within the Desteni group – there is simply no response, I mean it isn’t even on the radar – or sometimes worse, people will actually try to demonize and slander such a proposition.

We should ask ourselves every single day, why are we not making tis world a place that is best for all life? Are we actually taking the most effective course of action to ensure that this world gets sorted out, or are we kidding ourselves that what we are doing is ‘good’ – finding and working towards pseudo solutions that do not in fact get to the core of the problem we are facing as a whole here on earth, but instead just make us feel good about ourselves because they relate back to our own identities in some way? If we actually lived and worked within the self honest and realistic consideration of what others as our equals/life are currently experiencing, as if it were ourselves or our loved ones – we’d be working our asses off in every moment trying to make a difference, because that is how bad of a condition our world is in, that is how extensive the amount of work there is to be done – it would take our entire lifetimes dedication.

I mean, how fucked is it that we cry for those who undergo injustice or suffer or die, when they are ‘close to us’ or ‘family’, while millions starve to death and experience lives that are beyond horrific, and we can just feel nothing? How does this not haunt us in our every waking moment? It should. I mean, do we even know what a ‘family’ is? The human race is a family. The earth is a family. The universe is a family – how dumbed down and limited are we? Some serious deprogramming is going to be necessary here, and some real self forgiveness is going to be required as we finally begin to understand how we have spited, neglected and disregarded life, how we did nothing when millions who endure absolute horror wished someone would come and no one came, while we obsessively pursued our own happiness, living in a bubble in our own minds. And if we don’t learn – well, all bubbles burst eventually.


Day 244: Making connections


One thing that I notice about myself in the way that I have been changing in this process is that I have become much, much more attentive to others than I have ever been. I have come to see the that there is much, much more to people than what meets the eye, and I was only enabled to see this in others once I began to recognize it about myself, within a process of becoming intimate with myself and learning to be honest with myself. I find myself glad, even eager sometimes to just sit with people and listen to them, to get to know them and their experiences, their feelings, their thoughts – everything – and this has been coming at a more unconditional level where it is not about opinions of finding others who agree with you – I will gladly sit there and listen to anyone because it is really an invaluable learning experience, and an opportunity for support.


Sometimes I wonder if I even like it too much. I mean when I have such interactions, I tend to come out of them with some really nice feelings and thoughts. The intensity of this has decreased dramatically from what it used to be, but I still see it there. Conversely, sometimes where I want to connect and it just isn’t happening, I mean the person just isn’t interested or maybe I am approaching the interaction with too much eagerness/gusto, I can then feel not so good and have some not-so-nice thoughts.


One of the reasons that ‘connecting with others’ this way, you could call it, has a sort of ‘place in my heart’ in terms of having an energetic charge/experience to it, is that this is the kind of attention, recognition and support that I felt I never got. Not only never got, but was promised, expected, and never received. Yes it is a sad thing, that life in general does not receive the value, recognition, attention and support it requires, to say the least, but taking my past experiences of this and allowing them to influence who I am today is really useless and limiting. There is a song about this very subject that, when I listen to it, brings up all kinds of feelings/reactions, you can check out the lyrics here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3liCmuiPTY – the significance of this experience with the song is really just that obviously, because I have such reactions, this point of past experience is still having an influence on me today.


So it is not like I am going to change this point of interacting with others, I mean that is a part of me that is here to stay in terms of the attention/recognition point, but the extra ‘feeling experience’ that I get out of it is something to deconstruct. So much of that happy feeling of ‘oh wow, we have just connected and we understand each other better now!’ is taking a reality of events and making something ‘more’/extra out of it than what it is. This energetic feeling experience is actually based on separation. It is based on how we have already accepted within ourselves definitions of ourselves that separate us which we are currently busy believing and living-out. It is like the sigh of relief you experience when you fear someone due to how you misunderstand them through each one having defined each other as separate, and then all of a sudden, because a connection is made, you realize that ‘oh, this fear isn’t real, they’re just like me!’ it is in that moment of relief/realization that one may tend to mindfuck themselves and make something more out of it than what it is. We’ll tend to cling onto that feeling/moment and believe in it and even give it names like ‘love’.


But if such separation didn’t exist, would such a mental experience exist? If you were already equal, would it possible for a connection to be made? Wouldn’t be necessary, would it?


Still, equality is something that starts with self, done by self, for self. It is necessary for one to equalize themselves within and as themselves – meaning to actually be equal to that which you are as the physical body, by living it completely – not living in alternate dimensions/realities of the mind. Only through stopping ideas/beliefs/definitions of ourselves can we see and understand what our equality really means, and what it means to be equal to others. You don’t have to have the agreement of others to be equal to them. They might not even understand who they are…yet. But if you understand who you really are, you understand who others really are, and those who have done the work for themselves this way may have to serve as an example/support for others in the meantime by standing as that example of equality, no matter what the others may believe of you and themselves.


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the feeling/energetic/thought experience that I get from making connections and relationships with others is in fact based on a form of separation, wherein I experience a sense of relief that ‘everything is ok’, because my experience with them is positive which contradicts the fears that exist deep in my mind, and negative expectations that stem from such beliefs


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make enough connections or that if the connection is ‘strong enough’ as the feeling/thought/energetic experience I have with others, that my life will be better and everything will be ok because I am apparently now loved


I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ensure that my interactions with others is effective and specific as conducive to the process of self realization


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use anxiety as the fear of others as a way of activating all kinds of character/personalities to entertain, endear and impress others in some way


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for equality in experiences with others instead of establishing equality within and as myself as breath as the starting point


I commit myself to check in the moment what my starting point and experience is with another in interacting with them, and to rid myself of any secret desires/mental experiences that I am having in my interaction with others


I commit myself to stop the positive mental experience of thoughts/feelings as energy with others due to my interaction with them, as I see understand and realize that such thoughts are actually based in separation as deeply engrained self definitions/definitions of others and that the positive mental experience is only in contrast to such separation as the temporary/illusory relief of fear through believing that we now ‘understand each other’, when and as I see such thoughts/feelings/energies arise, I stop and I breathe, as to stand equal to others in fact means to stand equal to and as myself as the physical, and I stop and give up this desire to make a connection with others and have a positive illusory mental experience of myself – rather, I live positivity, I live support, I live equality and oneness, in whatever capacity is necessary to be effective in actual physical reality