Tag Archives: writing

Day 340: Writing as a tool

 

In the past I had kind of a mystical idea about writing self forgiveness. It made complete sense to me to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allow myself to be and become as I could see that what I had become did not serve me and was not really who I was, but was just an idea of who I am and how I should live that I copied from my society and those who came before me, in order to fit in and survive. But when I would do self forgiveness, aside from understanding what needed to be forgiven, I had vague idea about it, like if I just wrote the forgiveness then there would be this magical shift within myself where suddenly all of my desires and habits would just stop and I would just sort of magically change. I did not see the importance of being specific in exactly how that self forgiveness would be lived in real time.

 

My self forgiveness was impractical and that is what I am focusing on at the moment – making sure that writing is a self directive tool, akin to how, for instance, a scientist may use writing as a tool in his process of discovery and testing things out. The scientist will observe what is going on and then take notes so he can understand the habits/qualities/properties etc. of something, then will attempt and try different things to try and achieve whatever it is he is trying to achieve, but in that process, will use writing along the way to script and outline what he is going to do, and also to write about the effectiveness of it, what worked and what didn’t, why it did or didn’t work etc.

 

The same thing applies to my writing in my process. Yes, sometimes I will write blogs on general points that give general insights or perspectives or stories on certain points, but for myself, in being practical in moving forward in my process, remember what this process is all about in the first place: changing myself to live a life that is best for me and all life, so that I can practically correct myself and live life anew, it is crucial that I use writing effectively in real time: that means to write about real events, to write about the actual thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience, to outline, point by point, what are the mental processes that unfolded so that when the same point arises, I can see the point and ‘stop the mind in it’s tracks’ as these same habitual mental processes unfold.

 

I remember someone once pointing out to me that I can’t even remember all the thoughts I had yesterday, and it was true, and I didn’t necessarily see the relevance of this (other than the obvious point of how oblivious/controlled I am), which he then pointed out to me: that that would be self honest. To actually remember, is an act of self honesty – not ignoring what transpired and what happened that formed who I am now and what I do/how I behave now, so actually see and understand what created me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be impractical in my use of writing, believing that if I simply write and do self forgiveness, then things will just magically change and be better, within defining such acts as simply ‘good’ without considering how the point of writing must be a practical tool to identify and forgive patterns, and then script exactly how I would walk the process of change practically in real time, and to use writing to directly support and facilitate this process

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not utilize writing as a specific tool to support myself and direct myself and establish my self change in walking my process, then there is no point in writing at all, as I would then be justifying my mistakes through the belief that I am doing something good and changing while no actual practical change is taking place

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with who I am and what I have become as all of the mistakes that I make and everything that is wrong with me, and judge myself because of this, and that within being overwhelmed, I attempt to try and deal with everything at once, and become unspecific and vague and too broad in my writing, and that I have not allowed myself to stop, breathe, and give myself patience and time to deal with myself one point at a time, within the certainty and commitment of applying myself every day to make progress, point by point in effectiveness, until it is done

 

I commit myself to ensure that my writing is effective in taking on one point at a time, and working with the actual points as thoughts/feelings/emotions that I experience in my daily living so that I can investigate what has transpired, how it played out, and thus how I can correct myself practically the next time such a point arises in my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I commit myself to write with self direction and specificity

 

I commit myself to not try and take on too many points at a time and look at a point too broadly, and simply work with what is here as my inner experiences of the mind, as I see, realize and understand that I now have the tools to practically do so with effectiveness, and commit myself to walk this process and walk through the resistance that I may experience to utilizing such tools

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Day 333: Daily habits and thinking

Observe your thoughts for a day, a week, a month” – this was something that I read today that really stuck with me, even though it may seem a simplistic point. I notice that actually, to even observe my thoughts for a whole day is very difficult, because of the nature of thinking: that you are the one doing it, and so while you’re busy doing it, it is difficult to be able to step back and observe what you are doing.

This is where words like determination, dedication and strictness have to be lived and applied, because such a habit of taking note of one’s own thoughts does not happen naturally at all, it takes real effort and concentration, it requires one to be steadfast, almost vigilant, if it is to be done properly. I happen to have started reading this new book on habits and habit formation and that is one of the points that is brought up: that forming new habits take real work and concentration. Over time they become easier to activate as the path has already been walked – practice makes perfect.

Crucial within this is to stop participating in habits that take away from this point of concentrating myself on what matters. It is crucial to actually direct myself here in the moment in making specific decisions where I am fully aware of what I will do and I do it, based on the understanding that deciding on and sticking to certain activities will in fact support me. There is always something there to entertain myself with, there is always someone else to focus on, and then there is always my partner, who is quite frankly very attractive and charming to me – all of these points are things that I experience as nice, good feeling habits that are just so easy to fall into, as they have already been formed – and I notice that when I fall into these habits, because they are based in the energy of the mind, I become like hazy, clouded and unfocused, it becomes very noticeable when I then try to focus myself/concentrate on something. Again, strictness with self, and not fearing that I will ‘lose anything’ is crucial here, because what I tend to do when I fear losing something, is that I may apply myself, but I will kind of ‘try too much, ‘focus too hard’, where I become too intense, obsessive and zealous, because within that fear of loss within giving up old habits, a new energy is created which is then the energy that I end up feeding and building-up in the attempt to stop and change.

This reminds me of an interview series I watched recently from Desteni with regards to Michael Tsarion and his work, where they discussed the point of how we try to be good and not be evil, but how being good takes so much effort and energy because it is only based on judging evil and thus trying to suppress/not be evil. This is simply not necessary and doesn’t work, especially when I have the tools and even some of the experience to be practical and effective in dealing with the mind. So, back the notebook I will keep in my pocket for when thoughts come up, back to breathing as a self support as often as possible and when I see myself falling into old habits – there is no need to judge and then fear – but to simply recognize, breathe and within breath the common sense is always here to move myself directly, in one single moment as breath as I see, understand and realize what it is that I must do – move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to the simplicity of breath in directing myself here in every moment – of being determined to breathe whenever I see myself participating in a habit/pattern/addiction, and to then move myself to make a decision in self honesty in participating in that which is practical and relevant which supports me. I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be disciplined in writing out my thoughts and observing the patterns of my mind as thoughts consistently so that I may begin to know and understand how I work and thus know how to support and change myself effectively

When and as I see myself getting lost in a habit/desire.pattern/addiction, or even the thoughts of participating in it – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand where this is going and that I will only delude myself with energy as the habit/energy takes over and I lose control over my own self directive principle, and thus I remain here as breath and direct myself in self honesty as a decision that self honestly will support me in my process of stopping the mind

I commit myself to stop my habits/patterns/desires/addictions effectively so that I may support myself to understand myself, and thus within stopping I commit and dedicate myself to writing out my thoughts and to observe and write out my thoughts as much as possible, within the commitment of getting to know myself and thus getting to know all beings as the mind, and thus being able to change myself and direct myself and within this, be able to direct and support others effectively, making my existence on this earth relevant as I can actually have an effect on my reality that results in an outcome that is best for all life as change

Day 320: Strengthening my resolve to stop daily addictive habits

 

What am I experiencing today? I am experiencing the desire for attention, I am experiencing an inability to stop myself when the prospect of having sex arises, I am experiencing desires to eat food that I really don’t need, it just takes good, I am experiencing the desire to smoke weed, I am experiencing resistance to getting down to doing real work like writing and self investigation or school work, excitement over my coffee habit where I get excited about drinking coffee and being productive, but don’t end up being productive. Also the addiction to pro sports thing, pointlessly checking sports updates for entertainment/distraction. I keep justifying the desire to smoke weed as ‘I can handle it, just do a bit once in a while’ or ‘I can put checks an restrictions on it that are out of my control so I have no choice to stop’, but it is like, how can I trust myself on that? Also fears about my relationships and whether or not it is practical or if I am ‘wasting time’ – which I should not project onto my relationship or the other because really a relationship is not even a real thing lol and the other is not to blame. I also notice I have this tendency to worry and be indirect in handling point I am facing by not being simplistic in writing about them, but rather reacting to them in moments of insights/moments where I notice them, or even when I write about them. This is unnecessary as it just takes simple self honesty to see the point with my own 2 eyes and it will then be obvious what to do – self forgiveness and self corrective application. That seems to be it, other than the regular thoughts that arise, which I should really start jotting down in a notebook – I just noticed that I found an excuse not to do this, and so I will in this moment go grab my notebook and a pen, to keep on my person.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to crave and desire attention from others as the stimulation that the mind needs/requires in order to define itself and move itself and have a purpose – when and as I see myself desiring attention from others, I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this desire is the mind looking for self definition, purpose and direction – thus I do not participate in this desire and rather ‘keep my nose to the grindstone’ of directing myself in humbleness to simply continue to apply myself in doing what is really practical/relevant/necessary to be done, point by point

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into the desire for sex when I see myself being stimulated by and reacting to the sight of another’s body and the opportunity/possibility of having sex – thus when and as I see myself having such reactions to the image/feeling/sensation of another’s body and the opportunity to have sex and the excitement at having the opportunity for an energy high, and the desire to act on these reactions: I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in these desires as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see the patterns where sex has become a mental experience/high of wanting an experience of an energetic high which the mind experiences as power, control and good feelings/sensation, and thus I remain here as breath when experiencing such sights or physical contact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to eat food that stimulates my mind because it tastes good, rather than simply giving the body what it requires practically, in gratefulness and humbleness – thus when and as I see myself going for the delicious food because I desire energy, I stop, I breathe, I realize that the body simply doesn’t need this and that if I do not participate, I will still be here/fine, and thus I do not participate in such desires no matter how the mind justifies it as I see that the mind is tricky and will tempt me in every way possible with thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make a habit out of getting coffee as a ‘nice big idea’ because apparently it means I will do work and be more effective, as this is the ultimate deception to actually justify wasting more time once I’ve got coffee, putting my work off and procrastinating further – thus I commit myself to use coffee in a way that is practical wherein I set my plan of what I will be doing once I get my coffee, drink the coffee, and then simply do what I had planned immediately

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste my time, distract myself and generally lose self direction and focus by paying attention to pro sports updates – thus I commit myself to simply stop checking pro sports, and as a support I have already blocked all the pro sports sites I normally visited so that I have the reminder every time I may try to give into my desire, as I see and realize that stopping is sometimes difficult, and yet I am missing nothing of real benefit by simply stopping ‘cold turkey’

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to smoke weed as a way of escaping my reality and completely not having to focus on doing anything real or making any real difference in myself and in this world, so I can just escape my reality and create a fantasy reality that is apparently blissful and deny life, just because I have defined myself as weak and incapable and defined making a difference in myself/this world as apparently difficult or not enjoyable – thus I commit myself to stop the desire or act of smoking weed as it is simply impractical – when and as this desire arises, I simply stop and breathe and do not participate in this desire as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I see that it is the mind/ego attempting to destabilize me and that I am in fact not ‘missing out on anything’ by not escaping my reality through smoking weed

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self dishonesties onto my relationship and partner, such as impracticality and lack of self direction, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is in fact no such thing as a ‘relationship’ and that this is only a projection of who I am and how I am living onto this imaginary creation, as well as my partner, and that this point about me can be corrected so that I do not have such negative experiences projected onto things outside of myself – thus I commit myself to take the point I experience towards my relationship, whether it be doubt or fear or dissatisfaction or anger or impracticality or whatever it is, and take these points back to self and correct my living by correcting myself and my relationship with myself so that all other forms of relationship I experience and participate in are a real self expression of myself as that which is effective, directive and best for all life – when and as I see myself experiencing things like this towards my relationship/partner – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that I am projection me and my relationship with myself and my living application onto my relationship and partner, and thus I do not participate in these projections as my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to worry and think too much about the points I am facing when I have a moment of insight, realization or noticing a point, and then go searching the mind for answers/solutions. When and as I see myself noticing a point or having an insight, and then immediately going into reaction/fear/searching the mind for what to do – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is impractical and only further complicates my process and is unnecessary over-thinking things, and that I can stop all this by simply breathing and also by writing out the point immediately, thus I do not participate in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as fearing points, reacting to them and trying to solve them with the mind, but rather simple breathe and do self forgiveness or write out the point

Day 316: Judgment and projection: who I am in relation to others

 

Nothing moves unless I move myself

 

I have not written for the last 3 nights in a row now and after writing more consistently before that, it is amazing to see the contrast, as from not writing, I now have a compounding of points that I did not previously deal with, with the time I had available that I could have dealt with them, so now here I find myself dealing with a ‘build up’ of mental shit from the last few days where I am having to do extra work today, and not necessarily ‘reaching ahead’ to deal with my own mind as would be ideal – to be proactive and preemptive in facing myself as the mind instead of waiting for consequences to arrive. So this is the reason why today’s blog may not be focused on a specific point but deals with several points. Additionally, due to having not written and not progressed, also I have not been able to produce anything – either written or in my actions/beingness – that would be of benefit to another person, as the last time I wrote, it was brought to my attention that my post was supportive to another being, who is someone who I actually never would have expected to find self support in one of my blogs – so this also goes to show what has been ‘lost’ in not writing for just 3 days, with regards to how it has not only ill-served me but has also been a disservice to others and the world around me.

 

The following is from my journal entry for today:

 

we all have the ability to ‘turn inwards’ when we react, rather than to continually misdirect ourselves to ‘someone/somewhere out there’ where we will find no answers as we were the origin and starting point of ourselves and our own creation – thus important to remember that who we are and what we do is never about the other, and to never take my own reactions/behaviors and the reactions/behaviors of others as real/personal

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that “I am bored of another person being superficial” and within this that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I feel, not realizing that I have made myself feel this way and react this way through caring about how I look, and believing that I must be handsome/attractive in order to have people like me and to be successful in this world, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be handsome and ‘good looking’ from a starting point of fear and submitting to the system as the belief that I must present a certain picture presentation of myself and that I must meet a certain standard of ‘looking good’ as fitting a system criteria, and to believe that if I have achieved this look that apparently I am superior and special and better in comparison to others, and that if I do not, then I apparently am less/inferior and will lose and be bested by others somehow, where I fear I will somehow lose-out and have a lesser experience than that of others who I believe are unjustly having a better experience of themselves than me when I feel/believe I deserve the same experience

 

When and as I see myself thinking/believing that I am bored of another person because of how they make me feel – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand that in fact the source of my feelings/experience of myself is me, and thus the importance of taking the point back to myself to see how I am creating this experience of reaction to another – thus I commit myself to not participate in this tendency to blame another as my thoughts, feelings and emotions – and so in this case, when the desire arises to look attractive and be superficial/vain – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by believing I must be this way and playing into this game of the system, I am accepting it at a deeper level through justifying it as being ‘for work/survival purposes only – and thus I commit myself to no longer participate in this desire/rush to be attractive and compete with others through trying to look attractive, and no longer give into these desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all I ever wanted in fact was to be equal and that the desire to compete and be better is an illusion/self deception and thus the point here is not to compete within a game of inferiority/superiority from a starting point of fear/ego but to rather remain here as breath and do the work necessary to equalize myself to myself/others as life as who we really are as life is already equal, and whether or not we choose to recognize this and live in reality as life one and equal will determine our experience of ourselves as one that is best for all life, rather than one of separation, fear and inferiority, experienced/upheld as the desire to be special and compete

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to others through the humbleness and humility of exposing myself and how I am in fact no different to any other humans beings, and by giving up the desire to be special and compete and have power, and within this, giving myself the key to who I really am as life, one and equal to all – I commit myself to stop the desire to win and breathe through such desires as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged another person/other people for being ‘shallow’ and ‘vain’ and ‘superficial’, as I realize the irony that within judging another as being shallow, I am in fact also being shallow by only ‘judging a book by its cover’, meaning that I am simply looking at the behavior of another as the outflow of their overall mentality, and by only looking at and judging this behavior, I am restricting myself from actually looking/investigating the being more deeply, and from even getting to know and understand the mentality and the history of how it was created that has resulted in the behavior, and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself from ever being able to deal with a point effectively here in the moment by simply reacting out of fear of another, which is in fact the fear of myself, by judging another as being shallow

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being ‘shallow, vain and superficial’ – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that by judging another within such a point, I am restricting myself from taking the point back to myself and thus from ever being able to direct the point, and within this, actually living the word ‘shallow’ myself by not allowing myself to look deeper into understanding the being because I am too preoccupied with my own judgments by allowing them – thus I do not participate in these judgments as my thoughts, feelings or emotions about another

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and profile others based on my own personal desires for a relationship which are born out of the fear of not having a relationship, being rejected and being alone – wherein I judge women according to how closely they ‘fit the profile’ of the ideal partner that would apparently ‘be good for me’ and within such judgments/profiling, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act on such judgments by thinking/believing that people who meet this criteria are ‘special’ and ‘to be desired’ and thus for gravitating towards/being attracted to such people – as I see and realize that such people/characteristics/attributes will not satisfy me, will not ‘complete me’ as they are only based on what will fit the desires of my ego, as an experience with someone that will just be easy where I am never challenged and never have to deal with difficult points that will have me look at and examine myself

 

When and as I see myself judging and profiling others according to what I believe will suit me and make me happy – I stop, I breathe, as I see, realize and understand that such profiles/projections about others are based on the minds idea/ideal of the ‘perfect companion’ that only serves the mind as self interest – thus I do not allow myself to participate in such judgments of others as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as I understand that ‘the grass is not greener’ on the other side and thus I am not ‘missing out’ on anything real that is to be desired.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I find someone who is not superficial and does not carry other qualities that I do not first have in me, that my life is apparently better, as I understand that this is a projection of the mind to not have to take self responsibility for who I am and what I’ve become and rather look for a ‘better half’ to ‘lead the way’ – thus I commit myself to not go looking for an ‘ideal partner’ as I see, realize and understand is based on that which I have separated myself from as higher ideals so that I do not have to live them and take self responsibility in fact

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as guilt and to act from a starting point of guilt, and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the positive experience that harboring guilt actually brings me, wherein, when I act from a starting point of guilt, I get an experience/sense of relief, where I feel like I have ‘righted my wrong’ and ‘atoned for my sins’

 

I commit myself to stop living and acting from a starting point of guilt and to rather make the decision to change for real and no longer accept that I am flawed/guilty and that I am powerless to change for real

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be a ‘protector’ and a ‘hero’ not seeing and realizing that this point is one of the characteristics that living/acting from a starting point of guilt creates, wherein I first accept myself as ‘bad and shameful’ for who I am and what I have done, and that I cannot change it, and then rather just feel guilty and overcompensate for this by acting like the hero/protector character which exist purely as this mental projection in an attempt to be recognized by myself and others as being good/benevolent/noble/heroic, thus further justifying and seeking validation that my self belief of being inferior, unable to change, and my subsequent guilt/attempt at heroics as being real

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to participate in/participating in habits/actions that are from a starting point of projecting myself as a hero/protector – I stop and breathe, as I see, realize and understand that this is not where I want to be as it is an indicator of a starting point of guilt within a belief that I am unable to change myself and thus a self acceptance of being forever flawed, and that I am only overcompensating for this self belief while not actually being real in fact, and that I am only doing this to have others recognize me as being good, and thus not really standing as goodness as a self directed decision of who I am, seeking validation and life outside of myself – and thus I do not accept myself to participate in this pattern any longer as it arises in my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior patterns

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have judged others as cute as this is not who they really are, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that the shallow judgment/projection of another being ‘cute’ is actually just a positive mental experience that is based on fear of others who can harm me, which I associate with certain pictures of things that may pose a physical threat in my minds eye as a form of stereotype (for example, brutish looking men or spindly insects or reptilian animals), and thus within this fear, I will project this idea/ideal of ‘cute’ onto things that I have associated with being harmless and ‘not a threat to me’ in any way (things that are small, look like they cannot move fast, are young-looking and thus apparently innocent) – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the enjoyment of the mental experience of something being cute is in fact just based on fear and the desire to not be hurt and the experience of mental relief from my fear through experiencing something that is ‘cute’ and therefore apparently not dangerous/a threat to me

 

when and as I see myself judging something as being cute – I stop and breathe as I am in fact being shallow in not seeing a being as who it really is in its entirety, but rather just making a projection onto it as being something it is not, which is something ‘harmless and not a threat to me because it is too cute and thus weak’ through the association I have made between this harmlessness and certain picture presentations of what is defined as ‘cute’ – thus I do not allow myself to participate in these judgments/projections as they arise in my thoughts, feelings and emotions as these projections are based in the desire to have power and control, while placing myself as superior and the one I perceive as cute (and thus harmless) as inferior – I no longer accept and allow such condescending and demeaning judgments of others and myself, both in thought and spoken words

Day 299: I, Fear…

Today I sat down to write out all my fears with regards to a certain point I am facing my life and certain experiences I am having, as this was suggested to me by another as a means of self support. It was simplistic, I just sat down and wrote “I fear…….I fear……I fear….” – all the fears that I experience. I mean it is not that hard to do if one just sits down and is honest with themselves about what it is that they fear. We are actually all surprisingly aware of this, if we actually give ourselves a moment to have a look. It was a cool experience to ‘get everything out’ and within this process it has allowed me to get a grasp and a perspective on the points I am facing/experiencing in a way that I normally would have not gained, through for instance just thinking about the point. Even talking out loud about things isn’t quite as effective because self expression can be limited to/compromised by the presence of another and how we feel/experience/define ourselves in relation to their presence.

 

What I then did was write self forgiveness statements on all the fears, taking the point that I feared back to myself by forgiving myself for the same points that I fear in others as they exist within myself. In just doing this, I felt a kind of release from a tension that I had been experiencing but was almost unaware of because the tension had become me, it had become what I lived and experienced as ‘normal’.

 

I then wrote corrective application statements and this is where it got interesting, because here I had to actually create, I had to actually design my living application in a way where it is actually me, for the first time, considering what would make practical sense in terms of what would be best for myself and all life. Here I was finding alternatives from the ways that I normally deal with things, which have never really gotten me anywhere but further into the mess I was already in.

 

So this was a point that I wanted to share due to such effective self support being so simplistic in nature – the problem however is that the mind tends to work solely on ideas and always wants some kind of idea to be satisfied with without ever actually going into physical practical reality to do any real work. It is a way that we stop ourselves from ever really moving ourselves towards corrective action or if we do, we just end up doing it with a pre-conceived idea that suits the mind. When we allow ourselves to move in physical simplicity, and just write, it is amazing what can step forward and how aware and directive we are actually capable of being.

 

It can be challenging to get to this point, and admittedly, I am on vacation now and not busy being engaged/stressed by things like school, work, family, friends and all the stuff that is part of our day to day living. The problem I found is that being so engaged/stressed, when I finally do have a little bit of free time to sit down and write and give myself some much needed self support, I will tend to not want to do it, but rather just find other ways to have an experience of ‘escaping’ the daily challenges/experiences of my reality. Now with having ample free time, it is a bit easier. However, given the necessity/dire need to support ourselves, that who we are is of utmost importance (even though we do not recognize this and give ourselves very little real value), it is critical that we make the time to give ourselves this self support, no matter what the conditions or circumstances. We believe that by ignoring such things and just escaping our reality through various forms of entertainment, that things will be better, when this is proven time and time again to not be true, and life just becomes more stressful, more of a grind.

 

We fear to live physically, to let our hands and body do the work, to move ourselves without any mind controlling us or telling us what to do and how we should live. It is akin to stepping into the unknown – and yet, this is all despite knowing full well that the way we are currently living is simply not ideal – nowhere close – the extent to which this point is realized being completely dependent on how much we choose to accept and allow ourselves to delude ourselves from reality and escape it, rather than facing it head on with the will, self trust, self honesty, strength and resolve to make it better. As we exist already in fear and self dishonesty, we are already lost, and so one literally has nothing to lose by facing that which one fears.

Day 296: Self monitoring and the observer

 

I have been a very competitive person for a very long time. Whatever I did in life, I wanted to be the best. My success was always measured in how others were not as good as me, apparently. If I found that I could not be the best at something, I would likely stop competing and look for another way to be the best. This has sabotaged me greatly in my process. I mean it has compromised everything about my daily living and my self response-ability to life, where everything just becomes a competition that is about me winning – even what I consider ‘doing right’ as being one who is actively engaging their process. It makes it extremely difficult to establish real self trust and self honesty because I become uncertain as to whether intentions are truly what is best for all, or what is best for me, through expecting that taking actions that are best for all will somehow reflect well on me.

 

Well, fortunately I have found out that it doesn’t – very few people actually seem to care about what is best for all life and the few people who are impressed by one who appears to be a ‘good person’ is really just impressed and excited because maybe it means there is a chance that you will be easier to take advantage of than the next person.

 

As my process unfolds and I tend to learn from consequences of operating under false pretenses such as this one, it is becoming much more of a common sense, practical living application – instead of a ‘great big idea’. There is nothing special about process and the more that is understood, the more effective I am able to be. The more I am able to understand the practical common sense outflows of the decisions I make, the more I am able to direct myself in simplicity and directness.

 

So, often times within this whole point I have had a tendency to ‘want to figure things out’ – to ‘get it done’, like, almost instantly – this is how the mind works because it tends to never factors in practical physical reality. It is like I never want to make a mistake or reveal that I am flawed. Within this starting point, I have become pre-emptive – like I am actually looking for points to deal with, but in fact what I am doing is looking for points to react to. Here writing this, I now see that this implies how I have always assumed that my movement and action in live must be within some context of reacting to something. Within this point of reaction there is no real self movement or self direction – fear is just the sole motivator. Or is that soul motivator?

 

I received some support on this point recently – although the support was somewhat indirect and I did not necessarily see it at the time – in the video “Losing a Moment of Inspiration – Losing a Part of Self” – I suggest to watch it, even if it does not seem relevant or the insight doesn’t register immediately, as it did not for me.

 

Within this whole point of competition ad wanting to be the best, making almost over-zealous, looking for points about myself to react t and deal with, I notice that the tendency is to look at points through the mind and to trust the mind within this observing. Even sitting down to write, it is like I will scan the mind for stuff to write about, like asking the mind: “what is relevant here?” – so I am in essence trying to solve the problem with the problem. This was the point raised in the video where we tend to try to look at our insights and the things we notice about ourselves, only through the mind!

 

So what I am seeing here is the importance of this process being a physically lived/applied process – not that this information is new to me lol. But it’s application certainly is. It is as if I have trusted the mind so much that I fear to allow myself ti simply sit down and write, here in the moment, simply expressing myself naturally here, physically, without any ideas or expectations. As long as I am still referencing the mind, no change will be possible, no matter how seemingly noble my intent may be.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind in referencing the mind as to what is important/relevant in my process/life, and that I have allowed myself to be motivated and driven only by fear, living in a reactive state – thus I commit myself to see, realize, understand and live the understanding that all that exist in the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions are of no real substance, support, and are not trustworthy, but are rather just indicators of my own twisted creation called the mind which does not deal with things in real reality but only in the mental reality where the mind always wants to win, and I commit myself to live with the understanding that no thought, feeling or emotion can ever be trusted but are merely experiences that may be explored through self writing as a physical act, here in the moment, which are the key to understanding myself and what is beyond the limitations of the mind if I allow myself to let go of the fear of living without the mind.

Day 292: Resistance to writing, self support and fear of loss

I am here again to write about my experiences of resistance towards writing as a self support tool in my process. What I do know about not writing is that I am making a decision to suppress myself, to ignore myself, to neglect myself. I mean I give all these other people and things attention on a daily basis in my life, and yet I don’t even want to give the same attention to myself. Even helping and supporting others seems easier – and yet it is not effective to do this without supporting self too. What I also know is that if I do not engage myself in this process, I will be angry. I will be angry at myself for this decision I have made and how I have limited and neglected myself so extensively, and I will continue to be unhappy about my living conditions and the state the world is in because of the fact that I know that I did absolutely nothing to be able to change it. I know, I know, I know…and yet during times where I am stuck in a rut of resistance, knowing doesn’t seem to make any difference – only DOING makes a difference.

 

This is the problem with knowledge and information in the way that we utilize it: that knowledge and information without practical application is useless. This doesn’t have to mean anything profound, it just means that I might know all this stuff, but I’ve got to speak it, look at it, study it, consider it, explore it, expand on it, investigate it, question it, question myself within it – I mean, I’ve got to live, and no matter how much I know or what I have learned as acquired knowledge – without the natural flow of self expression, including expressing myself with/as myself here alone – nothing I learn is of any use.

 

Sometimes I get a little extreme with this point of applying knowledge, where a solution really looks and sounds great, and I just want to force it onto my life, just try to impose it and stick with it, and then it is like, if it doesn’t work, I feel shitty and I judge myself because “I had the answer, why did I fall? How could I have fallen, I did everything right!”. I can see that this kind of assessment is what ends up fucking with me because I think I have the answer, and then there are like these rules formed – what to do and what not to do – and based on how I follow this, I judge myself – good for following the rules, bad for not following the rules. What I fail to consider here is that there are no rules – just directive principles that are necessary to be explored in terms of how they can be practically applied in my particular situation. This takes quite some doing because with the mess that this world is in, to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ requires doing so within a system that is inherently abusive towards life. I mean, everything about the way we live is evil by virtue of our participation in an evil system which causes massive and untold suffering.

 

By giving myself the gift of writing, I am giving myself an opportunity to work out practically what it would mean to apply the principles which I want to live by – equality and oneness. It is through writing that I can ask myself simple questions, where I can consider decisions and choices and through the principle of 1+1+1+1….I am able to eventually work things out. If I come to a limit in what I can do in writing, then perhaps a point requires more research or physical investigation. I can see that the desire to ‘want to know what to do’ and ‘have all the answers already’ is something that fucks me and in the past has pushed me to make rash decisions. I have to hold my own hand and actually walk this process, with a kind of patience – the ind of patience that does not require effort but rather only breath, because within this I am trusting myself to always be here to support myself in walking this process, and thus the fear of loss diminishes and I can allow patience as self expression to emerge.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for/try to create answers within the desire to do so that is birthed in the fear of loss, as a result of not applying myself in self writing and making the unconditional commitment to simply support myself and get to know myself through writing and whatever other tasks/activities my process may entail

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create rules for myself to follow within the belief that I have things figured out – not stopping to question why it might be so difficult to follow these rules and to investigate this experience as part of the overall process of walking myself through this experience and directing myself within it

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for knowledge as the desire for ‘profound answers’ rather than simply living myself in physical application as living knowledge as who I am

 

I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing as a self expression here in the moment and to direct myself within self writing without preconceived ideas – I commit myself to ask myself questions and consider decisions and possible outcomes in working out what equality and oneness in practical application would look like

 

When and as I see myself wanting/desiring to make rash decisions based within the fear of loss or because I fear a point – I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate in my desire – rather, I continue to focus on breath until this desire passes.I simply remain here as breath as a form of self support and self comfort, to show self that ‘hey, I’m here, I am stable, I am not going anywhere, I do not have to obey my mind, I do not have to believe my fear’, I do not have to be a slave to this fear’ and that life is in fact possible without the mind – I embrace the nothingness of breath within and as the certainty that I am here and as long as I am here in self trust as the commitment to live self honestly as breath – I will always make decisions that support the breath of life