Day 274: Insecurity, part 2

 

So I mentioned in my last post that recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding come up in my relationship. At the time it happened, I found it very difficult to write about, because I was too overwhelmed by my own mind – this goes to show how important the decisions I make are, how important it is to be clear about my standing/principles and what I will accept and allow or not – consequences are inescapable and can be so severe that handling them might be no easy feat, or we might not even be able to handle them the way we would like to at all.

Basically, what the conflict/misunderstanding consisted of was each of us projecting our fears and insecurities onto each other. As I had mentioned in my last blog, fears and insecurities always stem from an awareness of how we are living and what our actions are. Obviously one of us, or neither of us, were living in a way where we would be satisfied with ourselves, and this turned into fear of loss, expressed as blame and us projecting ourselves onto another. It takes real commitment to live a life where a successful relationship is possible, because one has truly given as they would like to receive. Whenever my commitment to life and living a life that is best for all is not absolute, I end up going into this point of fear of loss, expressed as anger/blame. So to have a successful relationship, I know what is required in terms of my living commitment – absoluteness, otherwise, I know how my dissatisfaction with myself will eat away at me and consume me and all that matters to me. It is the reason why I have failed so many times in the past, so many times that I have come to almost expect like this is how it should be, and thus I resist real commitment as real change.

One point of resistance I have had towards absolute commitment is some idea that it is boring – you know, the idea of ‘sticking to the same old thing’ – because in the past, I had associated consistency with slavery – you know, doing boring and useless shit that did not benefit me, on a consistent and regular basis. It is like I have come to experience inconsistency/failure as some form of excitement, getting stimulated/high off the fear that I create and experience – it is fascinating because as much as I have written about being addicted to the positive, I have never considered that one could actually in fact be addicted to the negative – even while have a degree of understanding that when it comes to the mind/energy, positive and negative are two sides of the same coin – and the positive is not real within that.

I’m sure many experience this about some point in their lives – feeling as though being committed to something is some kind of trap/slavery – but not having learned what it means to live principles that are best for all life, we fail to consider that the fear of being trapped by consistency, is rather us fearing the trap we have created for ourselves already – believing in/subscribing to a life of inconsistency and failure, to such an extent that we believe this is what life is, and even worse, that it is who we are and that we enjoy it.

Life is too short to run away from self responsibility – to making real commitments that challenge us to be the best we can be in service of life. It is fucked that – when faced with challenges/consequences/conflict, the tendency is to want to run away, rather than sort oneself out.

So 2 points here: expecting/accepting failure as normal, and fearing/resisting consistency/absoluteness in my resolve to say consistent in my living application as if it were ‘boring’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that failure is normal, acceptable, to be expected, part of life, and even fun and enjoyable or exciting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear consistency, within a belief that it is boring or I will be trapped/enslaved and that it will be boring/meaningless/pointless/not supportive – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate consistency/ sticking with principles that are best for all life with past experiences of feeling enslaved on a consistent basis, thus associating consistency and sticking to simplicity/basics as boring or enslaving or a trap

I commit myself to stick to principles that are best for all life and be absolute in my resolve to stand, and give as I would like to receive, and to remain consistent in my application of sticking to breath and stopping destructive patterns of self interest where I do not give as I would like to receive – and thus within sticking to the simplicity of principles that are best for self/all life, I do not allow myself to be trapped by the illusion of ‘excitement’ as change as failure to stick to consistency/principles/simplicity as I experience is as ‘boring’ or ‘missing out on something’ – I commit myself to not run away from self responsibility.