Tag Archives: happiness

Day 324: What is really important in my life?

Recently I find myself having an experience of weariness, I have grown weary of my life, about some aspect of the way I am living. Identifying this experience of ‘weariness’ (which is kind of like a form of being bored/having grown disinterested) is important because I can see that this is what leads to the experience of me wanting to escape my reality. The tendency to escape started a long time ago, for the same reasons: there was something about my life (perhaps many things) that I was dissatisfied with, and not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to direct myself and not having any tools to support myself with – and having many options presented to me as ways that I can escape my reality, like TV, relationships, games etc. – I resorted to escaping my reality. Eventually these escapes would become addictions habits which become extremely difficult to break. But it all started with this experience of being ‘fed up’ and unsatisfied with my life.

So now here I am recognizing this point again and the subsequent desire to escape reality. My dissatisfaction with ‘life’ is really self dissatisfaction. This is because I know that so many things I have become focused on in life are really not important, they are superficial, selfish and self-serving, and really make no difference in the ‘bigger picture’ of life. Maybe it is not normal to be dissatisfied with ‘having a regular life’ – to be bored with living a life of self-interest where my main focus is just surviving, entertaining myself and keeping myself happy – maybe it is not normal to want to focus on the world around me and want to make it a better place – but to just survive becomes really boring – in fact, my survival on this earth is virtually guaranteed, and having already busied myself with massive amounts of entertainment in my life, I can’t help but feel like I am just wasting my life away if I don’t do something more, try something radically different. I mean, to just live a life pursuing my own happiness and thrills: is this really all there is? This is not to mention that in a world that is based on the cut-throat principle competition and ‘winner takes all’, my happiness is having to come at the expense of others, and I have to subscribe to this game where I am living in constant fear and spitefulness towards my fellow man, always trying to get ahead and be the winner. I’m tired of this.

And yet I fear loss. I fear that if I change my living, that if I stop participating in this game, where all my relationships are just ways where we stimulate each others ego’s and help each other try and feel good about ourselves and win this big game called ‘the human race’, where all my entertainment just serves to make me feel good by playing on my insecurities or excite me based on my suppressed fears. I fear that others will misunderstand because in fact: to be a better person and make a difference in the world requires a great degree of integrity and hard work, and it is the kind of work that gets no attention, no recognition or praise, because the only kind of work that seems to get any recognition in this world is the kind of work that appeals to peoples ego’s, to people’s self interest. To do what is best for all life is not an example that appeals to any-one because it is work that is not designed in the best interest of only the one person – it is best for all – and so no one ego will be stimulated and excited by this. I mean being stimulated into excitement by something is always ego, and as I write this I wonder how few people even understand what I am saying.

I fear to walk ‘the road less traveled’ because pleasing people, following the crowd and getting attention from others by stimulating their ego and living as my own ego are things that I have associated with success and being successful. It takes a great deal of humbleness to simply do the work that will make the world a better place. The work will largely go unnoticed and this is unnerving for me because from a very young age I have associated success with ‘getting noticed’. And yet, this is not necessarily the case at all – this is the version of success that we are brainwashed with in the media as popularity and ‘stardom’. To simply ‘set my nose to the grindstone’, put my head down and do the work that has to be done, and give up all forms of stimulation, of desiring attention – will be a great challenge that will not come without resistance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ‘my life’ and accepting the truth about life: that life is not ‘mine’ – life is not a commodity to be owned, gained, acquired and competed for, where I focus only on my own pleasure and personal gain which I experience as ego/mind as being stimulated/excited into feelings of happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to let go of my life as my own self interest and to live a life that is best for all is the only thing that will give me any real satisfaction and wholeness: where I am fulfilled because I no longer live for the insatiable void that is created by existing in self interest, and happiness/fulfillment is no longer experienced as an energetic experience, because I accept myself as whole/fulfilled/enough, by living the statement of being satisfied/having enough, by living in humbleness and shifting my priorities so that they are aligned with that is best for all life, and within such fulfillment/humbleness, I make the living statement that I am self satisfied by focusing on the needs of others and giving of myself so that the real needs of others can be fulfilled

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that relationships and entertainment that only stimulates me and makes me happy are useless in the long term and are essentially a dead end road

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to walk away from a life of self interest and to let go of that which is based/created in self interest is going to be difficult, and cpme with resistance, and will experienced as an immense experience of ‘fear’ where it feels like ‘my world is going to fall apart’ and that this is the trap that the ego sets up as a self-experience to keep self from ever breaking out of the mind-control of self interest – and that freedom will only come as I give it: by walking through such experiences and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to give into the fears of ego, as the desire for self fulfillment within the belief that “I need this or I will not be happy/will not be a success/may not survive in this world”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be popular and have positive relationships with others where we must stimulate each other positively in order to survive and have a successful life and within this, to believe that it is good and noble to be the best at stimulating others positively because this is what will apparently bring me success and happiness and fulfillment – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate popularity and getting attention with success/happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to simplicity of breath and the simplicity of what is here in this world as a guideline for my living and what is important and what are my priorities in life

I commit myself to focus on doing what is best for all life and to put in the time and do the work necessary and to take seriously my commitments to life as if they were the most important job that I have ever had: as I see, realize and understand that in reality, when I step beyond the brainwashing of fear/self interest of the mind, in fact my work/job/money/survival/relationships are not important, and the most important thing in this world in fact is to make a difference to change the systems and stop the massive amount of suffering that exists in this world

I commit myself to live the statement of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ with regards to making a difference in this world: meaning that my focus should not be so much on ‘what should I do’, but rather my starting point and priorities, as my recognition of what really matters and what is really important, as I see, realize and understand that if I am truly self honest about what matters in life and what does not, then the ‘what should I do’ will become obvious and come naturally, as I will simply no longer be sidetracked by the bait of self interest as desire that keeps me from recognizing what is important and acting accordingly

When and as I see myself experiencing the fear of loss and the experience of ‘my world is falling apart/I am losing everything’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the trap of the ego where it uses the addiction of pleasure and stimulation as happy feelings as a trap to never break out of the mind control of self interest and to live in a way where I am simply satisfied with being taken care of and having everything I need, so that I may then work towards the betterment of all life in humbleness as I am no longer controlled by always wanting more – and thus when this fear/experience arises as my thoughts, feeling s and emotions, I remain here as breath and do not participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather continue to breathe until the energy stops to see and prove to myself that: I am still here, I do not fear to lose the mind/energy/addiction, and that I can exist and be fulfilled in simply being satisfied by existing here as breath with a body that is taken care of and has all its needs met, and so I continue down this road less traveled by living as breath in simply supporting the physical body, in humbleness as the consideration of all life as equal and one, and in gratefulness to be here in this body/life with the opportunity to make a difference

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Day 318: Daily self forgiveness: giving as I would like to receive

 

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that that which I fear in others is in fact that which I fear in myself, and so rather than try to control my outer-reality, the only real solution is to give everything up that I desire as the mind/ego: to give up all self interest, all greed, all desires to be special – and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to to realize that this is the only solution possible to live the life I really want to live, where all is given and accessible because I have first given to others as I would like to receive, and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize this fact – that no matter how strong my self interest may seem, no matter how intensely I experience my desires, no matter how possible it looks that I can find a way to get what I want – there is still, in fact, no other way – thus I commit myself to put in the practical work necessary and prioritize it: to write, to investigate myself in as much depth as necessary, to do as much work as is necessary, to share this process with others, and to work every day consistently with this as my top priority, giving myself back to myself and showing myself that there is in fact another way that is best, where I don’t need to feel like I need to escape reality any longer because I am given myself back to myself and within this commitment, I am free, because no matter what it takes or how long it takes, the outcome is certain as freedom within/as oneness and equality, as I have lived and dedicated the certainty that I will thus receive as the outcome

Day 284: Focusing on other people

This post is just a few self forgiveness and self corrective statements on the point of desiring an experience of comfort/escape/security through not being alone, and being in contact with others, focusing on others. The problem with this is that if the living of others can make you feel these positive feelings, then the living of others can also influence me negatively, if there is for instance something about their living which I can not accept because I see it as a problem. So it is fascinating how through the desire for an experience of comfort and security, we end up creating the opposite experience of uneasiness and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste time within the belief/justification that “I am tired” or “I need a break” – as I realize how deceptive the mind is in getting oneself to believe that it is necessary to stop and stagnate and not initiate self movement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my process is dependent on the process of others – and within this, fearing the fact that others are not actively engaging in process, and fearing having to engage them eventually inevitably when there may be some kind of disagreement or perceived differences – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this fear is in fact just a fear of myself not being directive enough to be as effective as possible in my process, and that I am only projecting myself as this fear and thus the solution is to stop all fear/judgment/projection of others and simply move and direct myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that process – as all things – is always experienced alone, by oneself alone – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can run away and escape by utilizing others as a way of generating energy and having some kind of higher experience of myself – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the key to life and enjoying myself and security and being happy, is being around/with others and being in agreement with others in all things, that I have allowed myself to believe that another can save me or make me happy

I commit myself to direct myself effectively here as breath in moments where I desire to stagnate and do what is not practical within the justification/belief that I must rest or I have ‘free time’

I commit myself to, when and and as I see myself projecting myself onto others – to stop, breathe and direct myself to simply STOP and note the point immediately so I can bring it back to myself and my own life, when I have a moment to write about it – as I see, realize and understand that all concerns/judgments of this nature are always about self, and about the fear of others which is in fact the fear of how I am existing and that the desire to worry about others and focus on them is another trick of the mind to not have me direct myself and look at myself

I commit myself to direct myself as what is necessary to be done in my process in focusing on me and doing what I must do to support and direct myself, and to stop the fear of others misunderstanding/reacting badly to this

I commit myself to focus on me here in sorting myself out, and to no longer use others as some kind of ‘nice feeling safety net’ where I can escape through being with others and focusing on others, or even believing that I am sharing my process with others – that is again how tricky my mind is

 

Day 273: Insecurity

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Today, before writing this, I experienced a feeling like I don’t know what to write about, as I often do when I go to write my blog. I always walk through this experience now because I know too well that there is all kinds of shit that requires my attention, so sometimes I will read blogs or listen to interviews/watch videos to get the ball rolling. The word ‘insecurity’ had come up recently in a song I discovered that I really liked, it is called ‘Soulmate’ by the band ‘No Use for a Name’ (the word soulmate referring to deep seeded insecurity) and I really liked the lyrics when I read them. They struck a chord with me (har har). Then tonight, I read a blog about insecurity and relationships, and recently I had some conflict/misunderstanding in my relationship, so after reading this blog it was like ok, time to look at this point of insecurity.

I suppose it is a normal thing, and just as I have not questioned it for so long, I’m sure neither have so many others who constantly live within such a point. What is insecurity? Fear of loss, the certainty that the future outcome of one’s life is one that is not desirable. It is intertwined with fear and anxiety, where -based on the way we live, and who we accept and allow ourselves to be – we create a life of insecurity with fear and anxiety as our main experience of ourselves. The fear and anxiety can then easily turn into anger when the prospect of real loss looms or even appears to loom and threatens our security – but our security can only ever be threatened if we are in-security (insecure) to begin with.

How do I create the experience of insecurity as a mathematical certainty of a future outcome that is not best? By living a life where I abdicate my self responsibility, where I do not stand in my own stead of self responsibility, living the life and creating a self that would be ideal, but rather look to/depend on others to do such a thing. We tend to believe that we can attain an ideal self/experience of self by depending on/drawing from the world around us. Just like we are conditioned to believe that we can buy our happiness, or that having a relationship will complete us, or that if we get that great new house/car/toy/job/whateverthefuckyoulike, then everything will apparently be great in our lives. The more we believe that we are not sufficient, that we can do do it for ourselves, that we can not be self responsible – we go looking outside of ourselves and this is such a great fall that we create that crippling experience of insecurity, where we obsess about controlling out reality and getting what we desire.

When abdicate ourselves and our ability to take self responsibility and live a life of real value that considers all life in equality, we create this kind of demonic/vampiric entity that needs to be fed to stay alive, and before you know it, we just become consumers, obsessed with consuming goods and whatever it is that will fill that endless void, that insatiable appetite – it will never be enough because it is a void that we created in the first place! This entity will then do anything it can to hold onto its food source, its energy source. It is insecure because it knows that – as something that was created – it is temporary. We abandon ourselves and let the demons/vampires take over, and then wonder why we are so insecure, why enough is never enough.

So, what would then happen if we did not abandon ourselves, but rather took self responsibility and do all in our power to ensure that we are creating a self/world that is best, with an outcome that is certain to be best for all life? In my experience, the more I give up, the less insecure I am. Conversely, the more I hold onto old habits/patterns/addictions and don’t get real about taking responsibility to create a life/self that is best for all – the more insecure I am, and the more I depend on others/things I have separated myself from, to fulfill me. That is no way to live. And this is a deep awareness of what we are accepting and allowing in our lives, it may not necessarily be something that one is aware of in their conscious mind.

So I have found this is the key to stopping all insecurity – stand up and take self responsibility for one’s life in stopping old vices as habits/patterns/addictions, and rather take self directive principle and create a self/world that is best for all life – then you will have all the security one could ever need because it has been created so.

That’s all for today. To be continued.

Day 265: Depending on others to be happy

 

 

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I have made the mistake recently, yet again, of depending on another for how I was going to feel and experience myself, for what I was going to do. I have done this enough times, actually it is really just lie a way of life, where how I am and who I am is determined by others and the standing of others. We do this constantly as a state of survival, we have yet to mastered the art of ‘being in this world but not of this world’: doing what we’re required to do to survive, but only because we have not lost ourselves within it and simply recognize that to even be ourselves and make a difference, we are going to have to do what is necessary to survive – not to actually take those requirements and go ‘ok this is the way my life should be, this is what matters, this is what is important, this is what life is – all about everyone else and fitting in to survive’.

I have developed these systems to interact with people where I actually become very good at the survival game and getting peoples attention and getting people to like me and shit like that, and for anyone who has ever wanted to be popular because they have never experienced it: it sucks. It kills you on the inside, because you’re fitting in and doing well is all just based on what you think others want to you to be. Then we (I) can further the fuck up by feeling good about ourselves when we get all that recognition and attention for being something we’re not. I mean, the flip side of all this is in a certain perspective I don’t even like people, I want to get as far away from them as possible, so there is this polarization where I love people, for how I feel and who I can be in the cult of personality, and then I hate people because in truth I hate myself for having been dishonest with myself and compromising myself so extensively.

It is like being a celebrity where you lose touch with who you really are to such an extent that you actually trust that feeling you get for being liked by others, and before you know it, this feeling becomes all that matters, and you start throwing a tantrum and acting up when you don’t get it.

I mean if there is one thing I know, it is that the mind LOVES energy, it absolutely feeds off of it. Most of my life, for as long as I can remember, this has been all that life is about, getting this energy, getting high essentially. If anyone reading this knows what I mean by this mental energy, and feels like they’re not getting enough or can get more or there is something that you think if you do it, it will make you happy because it will give you this great experience: stop, don’t go there, you may as well start a heroin habit because that is all one in such a circumstance is looking for in essence: the greatest high. And if you think climbing mount everest is a ‘clean high’, I’ve got to bear the news that your mind can produce lots of strong drugs too that simply use another kind of physical input as stimulus.

When I really get back to myself, what do I enjoy? Practicality. The simplicity of function, the simplicity of self expression. Enjoyment is not something I do, it is who I am. Happiness is not something I make or find or create – it is who I am – and only by accepting myself as something which I am not, can the desire to find happiness be created – the pursuit of happiness is an illusion!

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend on others to make me happy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to copy the ways of the world by expecting others to conform to me in some way to please me, the same way I have made myself conform to what others want by internalizing the belief that others must like me and that making other feel good/feel good about me is all that matters. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe feelings to be real and something that must be participated in and if I do not, I will be rejected by others

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to enjoy practicality and the simplicity of function, the simplicity of placing myself effectively and doing whatever is necessary to be done in this reality, without bias or expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be a personality to survive, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must react to others to survive and that the quicker I react, the more likely I will survive – when in fact survival is pointless and there is really no point in being on earth unless you are giving as you would like to receive

I commit myself to recognize and live by the law of my being: that who I am is determined by what I accept and allow of myself to be and do both within as thought and without as deed – regardless of others as others have no directive principle in who I am and how I experience myself – thus I hold the key to me in every moment

I commit myself to not do my process from any past starting point of wanting to please others under the guise of ‘helping others’ – recognizing that each one can only help themselves 

I commit myself to stop trying to make something positive out of my interaction with others and always look for a positive outcome that reflects well on me

I commit myself to enjoy the simplicity of breath as me as who I am and to grow and transcend limitations through breath so that there is no mindfuck about it, and to continue this physical (not mental) process of walking as breath in my actions/interactions/work/new endeavors

I commit myself to decide to I am by living the words that I am unconditionally in every moment

Day 257: Looking for fulfillment

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This has been an ongoing point for me for quite sometime, although through being introduced to Desteni, and being shown what I am really capable of – that I can break free of my own self limitations through self honesty and self forgiveness in writing – I have begin to see that I can stop this experience of wanting fulfillment, of yearning for something to ‘complete me’.

I experienced the beginnings of reating this experience for myself when I was younger. I would often be left to my own devices without any real forms of direction, instruction or education, and had this experience of just like ‘being here’ – kind of like boredom, but more an experience of like – there is just nothing, like is this all there really is to life?

I remember experiencing this in my late teen years, or at least an outflow of it, when I would stay up really late at night, seemingly for no reason, just entertaining myself or listening to music or looking at things on the internet – like I was looking for this experience, this something that would fulfill me, in contrast to what I had normally experienced of life.

As I mentioned, when I found Desteni – well, life got really interesting, to say the least, suddenly I started to realize that there is so, so much more to myself and life, that I had never before given value to, recognized the value of, and that giving it this recognition was the key to living a life worthwhile. I began to see what real living actually is, and for the first time, began to learn how to stop this yearning experience – because looking for fulfillment is after all a desire – I began to see what life could be like without desire…it is beyond what one can imagine, having lived in a state of perpetual desire for so long.

And yet, learning to live this way is a process, there is all this work to be done to understand how my desires how, how I have created them, rationalized them, justified them – and so they don’t just disappear so easily. If I am not careful it is easy to fall back into old pattern and before I know it, my time is wasted and oopsie! There is this desire for fulfillment, back again.

So the key to stopping this desire to really live my days to their fullest. It is really as simple as that. Within this, I do have to be realistic about moving myself this way and to not overcompensate and become obsessively goal oriented, like possessed with the desire to make money and be successul and ‘live life to the fullest’ in that sense – no, that is a recipe for burnout. But I am able to make common sense decisions, in self honesty, to support myself – prioritizing what is necessary to be done, however not within the context of survival, or fear of loss as I am so used to doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of wanting/looking for fulfillment through not giving myself/life the value and recognition it deserves in prioritizing what actually is necessary to be done in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into overdrive through being driven in life by money and fear of loss, not realizing that this is compensation for not living and only fooling myself with the feeling/illusion that I am apparently living

I forgive myself that I have not acepted and allowed myself to give myself adequate support for my process and self expansion, not only throughout my day by taking care of daily responsibilities, but also ensuring that the proper amount of time is set aside for me to be able to support myself, investigate myself and do the necessary writing/work to expand myself

I commit myself to fulfill myself by living to my full potential, both through taking care of daily responsibilities, but also prioritizing in self honest common sense, what matters, what is relevant to my process and also giving myself the time and space necessary to support myself through writing and whatever other means necessary to support the physical and support myself to understand myself – standing-under and within myself as who I really am 

When and as I see myself going into overdrive as a heightened/excited state of mind were I am stimulated and having thoughts – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand how my energy I am experiencing is in fact a form of anxiety driven by fear of loss as the desire for money, and thus I see in the moment how my particular thoughts are specifically influenced/dictated by money and the drive to get money, and thus I no longer accept and allow myself to be driven by the desire for money as survival/fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 191: Insulating myself from my fears and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to escape onto the ‘highroad’ of being one of the ‘successful’ people on earth wherein I am insulated from the fear of survival/threat of not surviving by having a stable/’normal’ home and job and that I have used these circumstances and things around me to get a sense/feeling/experience of comfort/safety/security, not realizing that this feeling/experience actually comes in contrast to the fear of surviving and that I can only have this feeling/experience and want/desire this feeling experience if I am still allowing the fear of survival within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the comforts of having a privileged life and a comfortable experience to separate myself from the reality of the experience that many millions of people are having on earth; a miserable experience where life is a strife and all about survival, living in absolute fear and despair – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to escape this reality through privilege, not realizing that the excitement of the experience I get from being privileged and is worthless and not real if it is only me experiencing it and not everyone

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to remain within a survival mindset wherein making a living and ‘how good of a living can I make for myself’ becomes the only thing that matters and the standard from which I base all of my decisions – not realizing that my survival and comfort is merely a means to an end and only one mouth fed out of many who are not fed – and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined by my living conditions, standards and history of ‘how successful am I’ and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the same, constantly and consistently, not dependant on my conditions/terms of living in terms of what I have or do not have and what societal standard I am living within

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my process and within the moment of being overwhelmed, finding ways to escape myself through doing the easy thing, which often tends to be entertaining or preoccupying myself with things that are not important

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in any given moment I have 2 choices – the first is to continue to do the easy thing which is to ignore what is here and preoccupy/distract myself with entertainment or physical pleasures/comforts, because by doing the easy thing nothing is changing, I am wasting my time, diminishing and squandering my opportunity live change in this world – the second choice is to challenge myself in every moment to do that which is necessary to be done as that which is pertinent here and if that point is not clear, then to stand here and breathe and have a look at myself/my world as what is here and from this, then see how I must move/place myself – and that this second choice is ‘the hard way’ because it is going to come with the challenge of the fear of loss, fearing losing a feeling or experience that I have grown addicted to and within this I must stand here as the breath – proving to myself that I am self sufficient and am all that is required to exist here and move myself – no longer allowing myself to be moved/controlled by feelings/emotions as energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to go ‘above and beyond’ the call of duty and compensate for not doing what is necessary to do here and not giving attention to what is necessary to be done here as that which I must do/face in self honesty, through instead focusing my attention on other matters which seems noble and important and can be regarded as ‘good deeds’ according to our current accepted and allowed system morality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use my personal success within the system to give myself and others the experience and impression that ‘everything is ok and fine’ when it in fact is not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to use ‘free moments of time’ where there are no tasks to attend to, to educate myself and enjoy myself and exploring my world through education

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decisions on personal fears that are based in circumstances of personal wealth in relation to survival, and use these fears to justify not living in a way that is best for all life, rather than making decisions based on that which would be best for all life equally, based on principles that is best for all, lived in integrity

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up the security blanket of feelings that I have isolated myself in from the world as a way of perceiving that I am escaping the reality of my situation and circumstances in the world – not realizing that it is does not make sense to fear giving up an illusion as giving up the illusion is my only opportunity to make my life and the life of others that which is best for myself and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat doing that which must be done to support myself/life as some kind of chore/task, within the fear of giving up my security blanket of feelings/energy and within this, to make doing what is necessary to be done seem so difficult and un-enjoyable as if there were something better, and then to tend to want to rush/race through such tasks wanting to ‘get them done’ so that I can ‘get back to that which is apparently more enjoyable to do’ – I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is nothing ‘more’ enjoyable to live here as breath as that which I am

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that words are alive as the words that I am living as my programming as my thoughts/backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to specify every action within my process to ensure that it is absolutely what is best in terms of working with what is here and relevant, rather than simply busying myself and giving myself the feeling that I am apparently doing something good

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be diligent and direct in applying myself within my process unless there is an absolutely valid reason in self honesty as to why I am not at the moment able to apply myself in my process – and thus within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat applying myself in process as only being defined by participating in certain tasks when in fact applying myself in process is an entire way of life wherein I decide in every moment to act on principles which are best for all life equally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insulate myself from my fears through the experience/feeling/illusion of success and wealth

When and as I see myself in moments wherein I have 2 decisions to make and I am wanting/desiring/inclined to make the ‘easy’ decision of going into entertainment – I stop, I breathe, I embrace myself here within and as breath and embrace/accept the lack of feelings/energy that is not being fed and thus I accept myself here living as the physical, without dependency on energy to ‘feel like everything is ok’

When and as I see myself wanting to do good deeds – I stop, I breathe, I realize that this desire is a form of compensating for where I have not taken responsibility for myself – and I do not participate in this desire but rather look for how I can find and address that which I am not giving my full attention to where it is needed