Day 339: Childhood memories influencing my relationship

 

Recently, through working on a mind construct on relationships, I have been looking at and working through through several past memories of relationship experiences and how they have influenced who I am today and how I am living the experience/word of ‘relationship’. As I work with these memories, other memories have been coming up of even earlier childhood experiences that also played into what I ultimately experience/live as my relationships.

 

I see that a great deal of my pursuing relationships and, frankly obsessing over them, was based in experiences as a child where I felt I needed others to take care of me but did not get the proper care/attention that I required. Whether or not I truly needed this care that I felt I did not get is still unclear to me, as I was at a young age where I was vulnerable and couldn’t do certain things for myself, other than perhaps express effectively that I required support – perhaps I did this but still did not get the support I required, hence the urgency and obsession that later developed as my need for fulfillment through a relationship. But this does not change the fact that currently I am an adult and am fully capable of supporting myself in whatever it is that I require, even if this sometimes involves participation with others.

 

And within this obsession/being stuck in past memories wherein I believe that I require the help of another, my tendency has been to utilize relationships from such a starting point, and the major problem here is that this then keeps/prevents me from effectively supporting myself, as I often notice that my relationship can be a distraction from myself/my process and focusing on what really matters – who I am and directing myself to support myself effectively so that I do not need/experience the feeling that I require another to be fulfilled.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a relationship can save me, that I need and require a relationship and for my partner to give certain things such as love, attention, affection and consideration for me and within this, that I have used this point of belief as a way of not focusing on myself and giving to myself that which I require as self support, in self directiveness and self responsibility. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give attention to my relationship and put work into my relationship wherein it is from the starting point of making another like me and care for me and be obsessed with me so that I can have them conform to this point of servitude within the belief that I need and require them to be fulfilled

 

When and as I see myself obsessing over my relationship/partner, putting energy, attention and effort into it within the belief that I need a relationship/need a partner to love and obsess over me – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is a belief that I created from childhood experiences where I felt that I went without sufficient support, attention and consideration, and thus believed that I require to find another and convince them/control/manipulate them or give them sufficient attention in order to ensure that they give me the support/consideration that I believe I require from them – thus I remain here as breath, releasing myself from these memories and the belief that I require another to take care of me, and do not participate in such desires to control another/be fulfilled by another, as these desires arise as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to obsess over give attention to, control and have power over another

 

I commit myself to ‘be here for myself’ within awareness as breath, no longer accepting/believing that I am ‘not enough’ for myself and that I require another to fulfill me as I see, realize and understand that I can never be fulfilled by another, that this is an illusion of the mind and that the feelings thereof will never last or fulfill me

Day 324: What is really important in my life?

Recently I find myself having an experience of weariness, I have grown weary of my life, about some aspect of the way I am living. Identifying this experience of ‘weariness’ (which is kind of like a form of being bored/having grown disinterested) is important because I can see that this is what leads to the experience of me wanting to escape my reality. The tendency to escape started a long time ago, for the same reasons: there was something about my life (perhaps many things) that I was dissatisfied with, and not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to direct myself and not having any tools to support myself with – and having many options presented to me as ways that I can escape my reality, like TV, relationships, games etc. – I resorted to escaping my reality. Eventually these escapes would become addictions habits which become extremely difficult to break. But it all started with this experience of being ‘fed up’ and unsatisfied with my life.

So now here I am recognizing this point again and the subsequent desire to escape reality. My dissatisfaction with ‘life’ is really self dissatisfaction. This is because I know that so many things I have become focused on in life are really not important, they are superficial, selfish and self-serving, and really make no difference in the ‘bigger picture’ of life. Maybe it is not normal to be dissatisfied with ‘having a regular life’ – to be bored with living a life of self-interest where my main focus is just surviving, entertaining myself and keeping myself happy – maybe it is not normal to want to focus on the world around me and want to make it a better place – but to just survive becomes really boring – in fact, my survival on this earth is virtually guaranteed, and having already busied myself with massive amounts of entertainment in my life, I can’t help but feel like I am just wasting my life away if I don’t do something more, try something radically different. I mean, to just live a life pursuing my own happiness and thrills: is this really all there is? This is not to mention that in a world that is based on the cut-throat principle competition and ‘winner takes all’, my happiness is having to come at the expense of others, and I have to subscribe to this game where I am living in constant fear and spitefulness towards my fellow man, always trying to get ahead and be the winner. I’m tired of this.

And yet I fear loss. I fear that if I change my living, that if I stop participating in this game, where all my relationships are just ways where we stimulate each others ego’s and help each other try and feel good about ourselves and win this big game called ‘the human race’, where all my entertainment just serves to make me feel good by playing on my insecurities or excite me based on my suppressed fears. I fear that others will misunderstand because in fact: to be a better person and make a difference in the world requires a great degree of integrity and hard work, and it is the kind of work that gets no attention, no recognition or praise, because the only kind of work that seems to get any recognition in this world is the kind of work that appeals to peoples ego’s, to people’s self interest. To do what is best for all life is not an example that appeals to any-one because it is work that is not designed in the best interest of only the one person – it is best for all – and so no one ego will be stimulated and excited by this. I mean being stimulated into excitement by something is always ego, and as I write this I wonder how few people even understand what I am saying.

I fear to walk ‘the road less traveled’ because pleasing people, following the crowd and getting attention from others by stimulating their ego and living as my own ego are things that I have associated with success and being successful. It takes a great deal of humbleness to simply do the work that will make the world a better place. The work will largely go unnoticed and this is unnerving for me because from a very young age I have associated success with ‘getting noticed’. And yet, this is not necessarily the case at all – this is the version of success that we are brainwashed with in the media as popularity and ‘stardom’. To simply ‘set my nose to the grindstone’, put my head down and do the work that has to be done, and give up all forms of stimulation, of desiring attention – will be a great challenge that will not come without resistance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ‘my life’ and accepting the truth about life: that life is not ‘mine’ – life is not a commodity to be owned, gained, acquired and competed for, where I focus only on my own pleasure and personal gain which I experience as ego/mind as being stimulated/excited into feelings of happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to let go of my life as my own self interest and to live a life that is best for all is the only thing that will give me any real satisfaction and wholeness: where I am fulfilled because I no longer live for the insatiable void that is created by existing in self interest, and happiness/fulfillment is no longer experienced as an energetic experience, because I accept myself as whole/fulfilled/enough, by living the statement of being satisfied/having enough, by living in humbleness and shifting my priorities so that they are aligned with that is best for all life, and within such fulfillment/humbleness, I make the living statement that I am self satisfied by focusing on the needs of others and giving of myself so that the real needs of others can be fulfilled

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that relationships and entertainment that only stimulates me and makes me happy are useless in the long term and are essentially a dead end road

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to walk away from a life of self interest and to let go of that which is based/created in self interest is going to be difficult, and cpme with resistance, and will experienced as an immense experience of ‘fear’ where it feels like ‘my world is going to fall apart’ and that this is the trap that the ego sets up as a self-experience to keep self from ever breaking out of the mind-control of self interest – and that freedom will only come as I give it: by walking through such experiences and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to give into the fears of ego, as the desire for self fulfillment within the belief that “I need this or I will not be happy/will not be a success/may not survive in this world”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be popular and have positive relationships with others where we must stimulate each other positively in order to survive and have a successful life and within this, to believe that it is good and noble to be the best at stimulating others positively because this is what will apparently bring me success and happiness and fulfillment – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate popularity and getting attention with success/happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to simplicity of breath and the simplicity of what is here in this world as a guideline for my living and what is important and what are my priorities in life

I commit myself to focus on doing what is best for all life and to put in the time and do the work necessary and to take seriously my commitments to life as if they were the most important job that I have ever had: as I see, realize and understand that in reality, when I step beyond the brainwashing of fear/self interest of the mind, in fact my work/job/money/survival/relationships are not important, and the most important thing in this world in fact is to make a difference to change the systems and stop the massive amount of suffering that exists in this world

I commit myself to live the statement of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ with regards to making a difference in this world: meaning that my focus should not be so much on ‘what should I do’, but rather my starting point and priorities, as my recognition of what really matters and what is really important, as I see, realize and understand that if I am truly self honest about what matters in life and what does not, then the ‘what should I do’ will become obvious and come naturally, as I will simply no longer be sidetracked by the bait of self interest as desire that keeps me from recognizing what is important and acting accordingly

When and as I see myself experiencing the fear of loss and the experience of ‘my world is falling apart/I am losing everything’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the trap of the ego where it uses the addiction of pleasure and stimulation as happy feelings as a trap to never break out of the mind control of self interest and to live in a way where I am simply satisfied with being taken care of and having everything I need, so that I may then work towards the betterment of all life in humbleness as I am no longer controlled by always wanting more – and thus when this fear/experience arises as my thoughts, feeling s and emotions, I remain here as breath and do not participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather continue to breathe until the energy stops to see and prove to myself that: I am still here, I do not fear to lose the mind/energy/addiction, and that I can exist and be fulfilled in simply being satisfied by existing here as breath with a body that is taken care of and has all its needs met, and so I continue down this road less traveled by living as breath in simply supporting the physical body, in humbleness as the consideration of all life as equal and one, and in gratefulness to be here in this body/life with the opportunity to make a difference

Day 317: The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

I hereby commit myself to live the following Principles:

1.       Realising and living my utmost potential

2.       Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

3.       Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

4.       Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

6.       Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well

7.       Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

8.       With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own

9.       Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me

10.    Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE

11.    No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone

12.    Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today

13.    Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves

14.    Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one

15.    Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.

16.    Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come

17.    I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth

18.    I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world.

19.    Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath

20.    Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me

21.    We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without

22.    The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

23.    The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on Earth

Day 257: Looking for fulfillment

 

This has been an ongoing point for me for quite sometime, although through being introduced to Desteni, and being shown what I am really capable of – that I can break free of my own self limitations through self honesty and self forgiveness in writing – I have begin to see that I can stop this experience of wanting fulfillment, of yearning for something to ‘complete me’.

I experienced the beginnings of reating this experience for myself when I was younger. I would often be left to my own devices without any real forms of direction, instruction or education, and had this experience of just like ‘being here’ – kind of like boredom, but more an experience of like – there is just nothing, like is this all there really is to life?

I remember experiencing this in my late teen years, or at least an outflow of it, when I would stay up really late at night, seemingly for no reason, just entertaining myself or listening to music or looking at things on the internet – like I was looking for this experience, this something that would fulfill me, in contrast to what I had normally experienced of life.

As I mentioned, when I found Desteni – well, life got really interesting, to say the least, suddenly I started to realize that there is so, so much more to myself and life, that I had never before given value to, recognized the value of, and that giving it this recognition was the key to living a life worthwhile. I began to see what real living actually is, and for the first time, began to learn how to stop this yearning experience – because looking for fulfillment is after all a desire – I began to see what life could be like without desire…it is beyond what one can imagine, having lived in a state of perpetual desire for so long.

And yet, learning to live this way is a process, there is all this work to be done to understand how my desires how, how I have created them, rationalized them, justified them – and so they don’t just disappear so easily. If I am not careful it is easy to fall back into old pattern and before I know it, my time is wasted and oopsie! There is this desire for fulfillment, back again.

So the key to stopping this desire to really live my days to their fullest. It is really as simple as that. Within this, I do have to be realistic about moving myself this way and to not overcompensate and become obsessively goal oriented, like possessed with the desire to make money and be successul and ‘live life to the fullest’ in that sense – no, that is a recipe for burnout. But I am able to make common sense decisions, in self honesty, to support myself – prioritizing what is necessary to be done, however not within the context of survival, or fear of loss as I am so used to doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of wanting/looking for fulfillment through not giving myself/life the value and recognition it deserves in prioritizing what actually is necessary to be done in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into overdrive through being driven in life by money and fear of loss, not realizing that this is compensation for not living and only fooling myself with the feeling/illusion that I am apparently living

I forgive myself that I have not acepted and allowed myself to give myself adequate support for my process and self expansion, not only throughout my day by taking care of daily responsibilities, but also ensuring that the proper amount of time is set aside for me to be able to support myself, investigate myself and do the necessary writing/work to expand myself

I commit myself to fulfill myself by living to my full potential, both through taking care of daily responsibilities, but also prioritizing in self honest common sense, what matters, what is relevant to my process and also giving myself the time and space necessary to support myself through writing and whatever other means necessary to support the physical and support myself to understand myself – standing-under and within myself as who I really am 

When and as I see myself going into overdrive as a heightened/excited state of mind were I am stimulated and having thoughts – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand how my energy I am experiencing is in fact a form of anxiety driven by fear of loss as the desire for money, and thus I see in the moment how my particular thoughts are specifically influenced/dictated by money and the drive to get money, and thus I no longer accept and allow myself to be driven by the desire for money as survival/fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 243: The joy of work

Today, before writing my blog, I got that feeling again like have nothing to write. This is partly because I have been doing work all day – from the moment I woke up to now, I have been busy with both school work and job work, and because I have been so busy, I haven’t ben having many experiences and thus not many as many reactions/thoughts or accumulated energy as I might on a normal day. Then I realized, this is then the point to blog about.

Because earlier tonight I noticed a particular thing: as much as I tend to think, believe, say and complain that I hate working and doing school work and even justify such things with beliefs/knowledge – I actually enjoy working. I enjoy who I am within working, and how I experience myself after a hard days work. I am happier when I work. He thing is, this enjoyment is not an energetic experience as I’m used to defining my enjoyment – it is a physical experience, of living, applying myself, applying my gifts and talents, and expanding the person I am. It is participating in things that I have no energetic attachment to, that I have not developed a dependency on. It is in doing these things that I actually step out of my daily habits/participations and expand myself. There is a noticeable difference between the end of a day like today, and the end of a day where I am racing around, moving from one habit/pattern/addiction to the next – they are the kind of days where I am exhausted at the end of the day and yet I am so mentally stimulated that I can’t sleep. Perhaps it is fitting; that I have simply not earned that good nights rest. I even notice the degree to which I am less concerned and worried about pointless, trivial shit that normally occupies my mind as thoughts.

I would like to work with this degree of discipline, commitment and resolve everyday. It has always been a nice ideal of mine. I always sort of wanted to, at the very least, learn how to be like that in my old age, using the idea/excuse that by this time, I will be ‘past’ my young stupid years and will be ready to give up interests associated with youth and become like a wise, well read quiet old person. This is just a pipe dream, and even if it were true; why wait for this ind of ideal to be realized?

The truth is that I am able to live with this kind of steadfastness in self-application and really live/work to my full potential, if I allow myself to give myself the discipline to do so. I am able to do this without making a ‘thing’ out of it, like turning it into the kind of aforementioned dream/ideal. All it takes is self honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hard work is the key to contentment and fulfillment, and serves as an effective way to stop and get out of the mind which drives me to follow old habits/patterns/addictions

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to push myself in every moment that I am faced with choice/challenge, to work hard and apply myself

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to live to my full potential and apply myself in hard work by using the excuse/justification/idea of having ‘free time’ and thus believing that I can just ‘relax’ and that this ‘relaxation’ will apparently make me better – when in fact this is only a temporary, illusory feeling/escape

I commit myself to realize the real value of hard work through a physically lived realization and exploration of myself, applying myself in every opportunity that I have to do work

I commit myself to push myself to engage in hard work until the behavior becomes natural and automated as common sense

I commit myself to stop the belief that there is ‘nothing to do’ or something better to do, and rather be proactive in looking for ways in which I can apply myself in living by working hard, as there is always hard work that needs to be done and I see, realize and understand this point that every moment is an invaluable opportunity to do hard work and really live