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Day 324: What is really important in my life?

Recently I find myself having an experience of weariness, I have grown weary of my life, about some aspect of the way I am living. Identifying this experience of ‘weariness’ (which is kind of like a form of being bored/having grown disinterested) is important because I can see that this is what leads to the experience of me wanting to escape my reality. The tendency to escape started a long time ago, for the same reasons: there was something about my life (perhaps many things) that I was dissatisfied with, and not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to direct myself and not having any tools to support myself with – and having many options presented to me as ways that I can escape my reality, like TV, relationships, games etc. – I resorted to escaping my reality. Eventually these escapes would become addictions habits which become extremely difficult to break. But it all started with this experience of being ‘fed up’ and unsatisfied with my life.

So now here I am recognizing this point again and the subsequent desire to escape reality. My dissatisfaction with ‘life’ is really self dissatisfaction. This is because I know that so many things I have become focused on in life are really not important, they are superficial, selfish and self-serving, and really make no difference in the ‘bigger picture’ of life. Maybe it is not normal to be dissatisfied with ‘having a regular life’ – to be bored with living a life of self-interest where my main focus is just surviving, entertaining myself and keeping myself happy – maybe it is not normal to want to focus on the world around me and want to make it a better place – but to just survive becomes really boring – in fact, my survival on this earth is virtually guaranteed, and having already busied myself with massive amounts of entertainment in my life, I can’t help but feel like I am just wasting my life away if I don’t do something more, try something radically different. I mean, to just live a life pursuing my own happiness and thrills: is this really all there is? This is not to mention that in a world that is based on the cut-throat principle competition and ‘winner takes all’, my happiness is having to come at the expense of others, and I have to subscribe to this game where I am living in constant fear and spitefulness towards my fellow man, always trying to get ahead and be the winner. I’m tired of this.

And yet I fear loss. I fear that if I change my living, that if I stop participating in this game, where all my relationships are just ways where we stimulate each others ego’s and help each other try and feel good about ourselves and win this big game called ‘the human race’, where all my entertainment just serves to make me feel good by playing on my insecurities or excite me based on my suppressed fears. I fear that others will misunderstand because in fact: to be a better person and make a difference in the world requires a great degree of integrity and hard work, and it is the kind of work that gets no attention, no recognition or praise, because the only kind of work that seems to get any recognition in this world is the kind of work that appeals to peoples ego’s, to people’s self interest. To do what is best for all life is not an example that appeals to any-one because it is work that is not designed in the best interest of only the one person – it is best for all – and so no one ego will be stimulated and excited by this. I mean being stimulated into excitement by something is always ego, and as I write this I wonder how few people even understand what I am saying.

I fear to walk ‘the road less traveled’ because pleasing people, following the crowd and getting attention from others by stimulating their ego and living as my own ego are things that I have associated with success and being successful. It takes a great deal of humbleness to simply do the work that will make the world a better place. The work will largely go unnoticed and this is unnerving for me because from a very young age I have associated success with ‘getting noticed’. And yet, this is not necessarily the case at all – this is the version of success that we are brainwashed with in the media as popularity and ‘stardom’. To simply ‘set my nose to the grindstone’, put my head down and do the work that has to be done, and give up all forms of stimulation, of desiring attention – will be a great challenge that will not come without resistance.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ‘my life’ and accepting the truth about life: that life is not ‘mine’ – life is not a commodity to be owned, gained, acquired and competed for, where I focus only on my own pleasure and personal gain which I experience as ego/mind as being stimulated/excited into feelings of happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to let go of my life as my own self interest and to live a life that is best for all is the only thing that will give me any real satisfaction and wholeness: where I am fulfilled because I no longer live for the insatiable void that is created by existing in self interest, and happiness/fulfillment is no longer experienced as an energetic experience, because I accept myself as whole/fulfilled/enough, by living the statement of being satisfied/having enough, by living in humbleness and shifting my priorities so that they are aligned with that is best for all life, and within such fulfillment/humbleness, I make the living statement that I am self satisfied by focusing on the needs of others and giving of myself so that the real needs of others can be fulfilled

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that relationships and entertainment that only stimulates me and makes me happy are useless in the long term and are essentially a dead end road

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to walk away from a life of self interest and to let go of that which is based/created in self interest is going to be difficult, and cpme with resistance, and will experienced as an immense experience of ‘fear’ where it feels like ‘my world is going to fall apart’ and that this is the trap that the ego sets up as a self-experience to keep self from ever breaking out of the mind-control of self interest – and that freedom will only come as I give it: by walking through such experiences and within that, not accepting and allowing myself to give into the fears of ego, as the desire for self fulfillment within the belief that “I need this or I will not be happy/will not be a success/may not survive in this world”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must be popular and have positive relationships with others where we must stimulate each other positively in order to survive and have a successful life and within this, to believe that it is good and noble to be the best at stimulating others positively because this is what will apparently bring me success and happiness and fulfillment – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate popularity and getting attention with success/happiness

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to stick to simplicity of breath and the simplicity of what is here in this world as a guideline for my living and what is important and what are my priorities in life

I commit myself to focus on doing what is best for all life and to put in the time and do the work necessary and to take seriously my commitments to life as if they were the most important job that I have ever had: as I see, realize and understand that in reality, when I step beyond the brainwashing of fear/self interest of the mind, in fact my work/job/money/survival/relationships are not important, and the most important thing in this world in fact is to make a difference to change the systems and stop the massive amount of suffering that exists in this world

I commit myself to live the statement of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’ with regards to making a difference in this world: meaning that my focus should not be so much on ‘what should I do’, but rather my starting point and priorities, as my recognition of what really matters and what is really important, as I see, realize and understand that if I am truly self honest about what matters in life and what does not, then the ‘what should I do’ will become obvious and come naturally, as I will simply no longer be sidetracked by the bait of self interest as desire that keeps me from recognizing what is important and acting accordingly

When and as I see myself experiencing the fear of loss and the experience of ‘my world is falling apart/I am losing everything’ – I stop, I breathe, I see, realize and understand that this is the trap of the ego where it uses the addiction of pleasure and stimulation as happy feelings as a trap to never break out of the mind control of self interest and to live in a way where I am simply satisfied with being taken care of and having everything I need, so that I may then work towards the betterment of all life in humbleness as I am no longer controlled by always wanting more – and thus when this fear/experience arises as my thoughts, feeling s and emotions, I remain here as breath and do not participate in my thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather continue to breathe until the energy stops to see and prove to myself that: I am still here, I do not fear to lose the mind/energy/addiction, and that I can exist and be fulfilled in simply being satisfied by existing here as breath with a body that is taken care of and has all its needs met, and so I continue down this road less traveled by living as breath in simply supporting the physical body, in humbleness as the consideration of all life as equal and one, and in gratefulness to be here in this body/life with the opportunity to make a difference

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Day 319: Self honesty as the starting point for practical action

 

That I am here in this moment is almost the only thing I can be certain of. Life seems to move so fast and the mind reacts so instantaneously and seemingly naturally that I miss so much of what prompts me to ‘speed up’ and move at a pace where I don’t always really pay attention to what I am doing, what I am saying. This is not to say that I shouldn’t act naturally, but that there are certain things which I see, that if I just gave myself a moment and didn’t give into my mind/fears so automatically, I could then give myself a chance to direct myself more effectively in a way that is less considered/walked: as breath.

 

When I am honest with myself I can see how I have been programmed to live a life of self-interest – the base mentality that we are all programmed with because as long as we all play and support this game, those who have massive advantages over the rest of us (by virtue of their birthright) will always win a game that we create and support by virtue of our allowance and participation in it. The outflow of this is that I am addicted to certain things in my reality that I experience as “I like doing this” because it gives me some kind of inner experience of nice feelings.

 

When I look at the basics of these addictions – greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, envy, pride – it is sufficient as a guideline to at least know what not to do, to know what not to participate in – it can just be difficult at times to fully apply myself in not participating in such habits, and also to remain consistent in doing so. And yet when I do, and stick to this basic guideline of not participating in my own selfishness, my own self interest: a whole new world opens up where I can actually live for real, where I can live in a way where my starting point and consideration is what is best for all live, including all as one as me – so essentially, addictions are the ‘food’ of the mind and ego – no matter how seemingly innocent they are or how we may justify them to ourselves.

 

When I look at my life, there is so much that I can convince myself is important and that I must obsess over, ‘or else apparently I will lose out, apparently I will not survive and thrive if I do not obsess over my own self interest, if I don’t live in constant fear of loss and defeat’. This is the mentality of my culture, my society: compete and win at all costs – fuck everything else, fuck life – we just don’t want to see it that way because we present our self interest and addictions as wonderful, fun, innocent – whatever. When I look at my life, apparently: my job is so important, my relationship is so important, the experience of feelings that I have defined as “love” is so important, whether or not others like me and how they think of me is important, whether I look good or not is so important, whether or not I have lots of money to buy things for myself is important, having lots of fun and great experiences is so important, my family and friends is so important, etc. etc. If this is so – and given that humans were created equal – what does this imply of all the billions of people who live only to suffer and have no chance of ever experiencing success and dignity in any of these points I have previously mentioned? Wouldn’t my priority as a responsible human being then be to work to ensure that all beings on earth are given the same opportunities and rights of those things that I obsess over and believe are so important for myself? It is going to require a great degree to humbleness to accomplish anything of real significance in this way, in this reality.

 

I have a tendency to over-think things, to procrastinate, to worry and wonder if I am ‘doing things right’ and ‘what is the best way to get this done’ – it is simple – self honesty – you just do it. Do away with all the shit in your life that you have falsely claimed is so important, ‘get a life’ and change your priorities – stop participating in the shit that only makes me feel nice but makes no real difference in the world as the world continues to plummet into hell. Self honesty is extremely simplistic and really just requires us to give up the things we fear and resist giving up.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give priority and value to my own self interest, which includes all of my addictions and activities that I participate in which make no real difference int his reality and just give me the illusion of happiness and fulfillment because they create feelings in me that are based in separation from life as they serve only ego and self interest, and I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to justify such actions as apparently being all in good fun and somehow being that which is best for all by making me happy first.

 

I commit myself to identify my priorities, what does not require attention and what does, based on the principle of participating in actions and doing whatever is necessary that will accumulatively, eventually and inevitably create a world that is best for all life and to no longer question or doubt or delay myself through over-thinking things and giving into the fearful thoughts and resistance of the mind, and rather act here as breath in self honesty as who I really am as life, where the mind is unable to deceive me by directing me with thoughts that are programmed to only serve self interest

 

Through directing ourselves as life, our example resonates, and its effect permeates reality like water, in a way that is beyond what we have always known: trying to control ourselves, others and our reality with the mind from a starting point of fear and self interest, as this will never produce a result as a world that is best for all life.

Day 278: What is your right to life?

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As the global economy continues to collapse and there are fewer and fewer jobs available, the struggle to compete and survive among our fellow man becomes more intense. For all the intensity of the struggle, sometimes it doesn’t even seem like it is for much, struggling and working so hard just to exist, just to have a place in this earth and not starve to death. It doesn’t seem like much to ask for, does it?

And it isn’t, in reality, in a world with more than enough for all. But what is the actual context that we are living in? What about this unreal world system we have created?

Within the current world system, many people – billions of people – do not even get this opportunity to exist – and many more are living on a fine line, barely existing and struggling like no one would imagine to do so, for an extremely meager existence. When I found out that this was the case, how difficult it is and how much some people struggle for next-to-nothing, and then looking at my own life, how much is taken for granted, how surviving comes easily (although living, not so much…) I started to question my own right to life. Perhaps there is a better person who, if given the opportunities I have, may not squander them and may do much more good for so many more people, if given such an opportunity.

To this day, this understanding sticks with me, and frankly, living a normal, status-quo life just doesn’t work anymore for me – it’s really not satisfying and it is difficult to live with myself knowing that I am squandering what I have….for this short amount of time that I have it.

But I see so many people operating without this understanding – merely justifying their existence within this idea that this system is the way life really is, and thus they must fight to live and if they happen to win, it is justified because that is how the game works. Yes that is how the game that we have made out of life works – it is not how life works. We tend to throw such temper tantrums when we don’t get our way or succeed, but when I do, or see others doing it, I ask myself “but why do you deserve it?” And the fact is, we don’t – no matter what we would like to believe.

Perhaps this is the ‘wave of the future’ in business – that it is only the ones who truly have a higher calling in what they do, to make this world a better place for all life, that will be the ones to survive the economic squeeze – perhaps all the dinosaurs who have profited off of deceiving, cheating, essentially stealing from their fellow man, will be the ones weeded out. I know that for myself, those old systems of manipulation as a pathway to success are systems that no longer work – they are not sustainable and I would continue to destroy myself and this world if I continued to use them. Marketing scheme’s are just schemes after all, whether you’re marketing yourself, your business…whatever.

I would suggest that we all find a practical way to become part of this new wave – and if we can not, to get out of the way for another who might or perhaps support another who will stand in your stead if you are not ready. In this life, we have been fearing the wrong thing all along – we have feared death and the end, while never really fearing how we are living on this earth and what we will leave behind – that is the real thing we should be concerned with. The survival of the individual is meaningless at the expense of the whole, because the individual, no matter how deluded, will inevitably find himself once again as part of the whole.

Day 258: 24-Hour Abstinence Challenge

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When titling this blog, it took a few tries until I got the spelling of this word correct. Normally I am decent when it comes to spelling – I have sometimes wondered if my inability to spell a words spells the fact that I haven’t grasped that word, both in the memory of copying the word itself as well as the definitions/concepts it embodies.

In recent blog posts I have written about prioritizing that which is important, about living my life to it’s full potential, living without regret, in a way where I don’t end my days feeling unfulfilled and wanting for more. Within this, I have more clearly identified for myself that which I would like to do, what are some things I would like to get done and accomplish, some ways I would like to live. I have also identified what is problematic in my life, in terms of old habits that have no real value, and only serve to keep me from full transitioning into a new being, a new way of living life – I could really do so much more if I did not allow such pointless things to hold me back. 

As it has always been for me in this process, stopping any old habit is the same as stopping an addiction – it does not come naturally at all, or without resistance and withdrawal. I have screwed myself in the past by not being realistic about how to go about stopping long-standing habits/addictions, where I ended up getting false expectations and creating ideals about how well I was going to do, and then only ended up in disappointment and discouragement. Stopping a habit/addiction had become a form of abstinence that was really just a suppression, where I would try really really hard to just stop and keep stopping and the whole thing was very energetically driven and tiring – and eventually I would fail – yet I set myself up for failure.

I have began to learn how to walk practically, within the understanding that change is a process that requires more than just stopping, that I require support through writing and doing the necessary study and investigation to ensure that I am stopping with understanding. When I have stopped other habits/addictions in the past, because it came so unnaturally, with so much resistance, I had to actually first do a 24 hour abstaining period, just to break the habit and physically come to terms with stopping – in a way, I had to make decisions that were a form of tough love on myself, not giving myself any other options. Usually, after breaking the habit initially, things would get easier over time, and at the very least, I was giving myself a window to support myself, with clarity, without any backdoors or ulterior motives, or being under the influence of still being dead-smack in the middle of a habit/pattern, just in between doses.

24 hours really isn’t much to ask, either. It is the least I can do, and I owe it to myself, to life, to give myself the chance – no matter how much I resist, or feel as though I am ‘missing out on something’ – I mean that is just withdrawal talking. Thus I am dedicating myself to a minimum of 24 hours of stopping old habits/patterns that really contribute nothing to life. I won’t discuss here the specifics of what some of these habits are – one could gather from reading past blogs, or just use your imagination – I am a fairly ‘normal guy’ when it comes to time-wasting habits – but it doesn’t so much matter what we are wasting our time with as it does the fact that we are wasting away the bit of time we are gifted with while here on this earth.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to give myself a chance to break free from old habits/patterns that serve to keep me lost and from completely making the transition into a new life, using the experience of feeling overwhelmed, like I cannot do it, as a justification, due to past experiences where I set myself for disappointment and failure by not being practical about how to go about stopping habits/addictions – within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to test the point of stopping through giving myself the time and space to stop with simple commitments that are manageable and reasonable to ask of myself and do, to give myself the breathing room/time/space to support myself with more clarity than I otherwise would have while stuck in the middle of a habit/pattern, not realizing and understanding that stopping must be accompanied with self study and understanding, and not enforced on the physical like some unreasonable ultimatum, imposed with force as a for of suppression

I commit myself to live 24 hours without giving into an old habit/pattern of wasting time with various distractions/entertainments/preoccupations and to, within this experience, support myself with breathing and writing – when and as I see the desire to participate in an old pattern arise in my thoughts : I stop, I breathe, I remember my 24 hour commitment to myself as life, I see and understand that the desire to participate in old habits/patterns is simply the mind having withdrawal and using the illusion/belief that I am ‘missing out on something’ – and thus I do not allow myself to participate in these thoughts/this energy as desire, and continue to move myself throughout my day, here as breath.

Day 257: Looking for fulfillment

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This has been an ongoing point for me for quite sometime, although through being introduced to Desteni, and being shown what I am really capable of – that I can break free of my own self limitations through self honesty and self forgiveness in writing – I have begin to see that I can stop this experience of wanting fulfillment, of yearning for something to ‘complete me’.

I experienced the beginnings of reating this experience for myself when I was younger. I would often be left to my own devices without any real forms of direction, instruction or education, and had this experience of just like ‘being here’ – kind of like boredom, but more an experience of like – there is just nothing, like is this all there really is to life?

I remember experiencing this in my late teen years, or at least an outflow of it, when I would stay up really late at night, seemingly for no reason, just entertaining myself or listening to music or looking at things on the internet – like I was looking for this experience, this something that would fulfill me, in contrast to what I had normally experienced of life.

As I mentioned, when I found Desteni – well, life got really interesting, to say the least, suddenly I started to realize that there is so, so much more to myself and life, that I had never before given value to, recognized the value of, and that giving it this recognition was the key to living a life worthwhile. I began to see what real living actually is, and for the first time, began to learn how to stop this yearning experience – because looking for fulfillment is after all a desire – I began to see what life could be like without desire…it is beyond what one can imagine, having lived in a state of perpetual desire for so long.

And yet, learning to live this way is a process, there is all this work to be done to understand how my desires how, how I have created them, rationalized them, justified them – and so they don’t just disappear so easily. If I am not careful it is easy to fall back into old pattern and before I know it, my time is wasted and oopsie! There is this desire for fulfillment, back again.

So the key to stopping this desire to really live my days to their fullest. It is really as simple as that. Within this, I do have to be realistic about moving myself this way and to not overcompensate and become obsessively goal oriented, like possessed with the desire to make money and be successul and ‘live life to the fullest’ in that sense – no, that is a recipe for burnout. But I am able to make common sense decisions, in self honesty, to support myself – prioritizing what is necessary to be done, however not within the context of survival, or fear of loss as I am so used to doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of wanting/looking for fulfillment through not giving myself/life the value and recognition it deserves in prioritizing what actually is necessary to be done in self honest common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into overdrive through being driven in life by money and fear of loss, not realizing that this is compensation for not living and only fooling myself with the feeling/illusion that I am apparently living

I forgive myself that I have not acepted and allowed myself to give myself adequate support for my process and self expansion, not only throughout my day by taking care of daily responsibilities, but also ensuring that the proper amount of time is set aside for me to be able to support myself, investigate myself and do the necessary writing/work to expand myself

I commit myself to fulfill myself by living to my full potential, both through taking care of daily responsibilities, but also prioritizing in self honest common sense, what matters, what is relevant to my process and also giving myself the time and space necessary to support myself through writing and whatever other means necessary to support the physical and support myself to understand myself – standing-under and within myself as who I really am 

When and as I see myself going into overdrive as a heightened/excited state of mind were I am stimulated and having thoughts – I stop, I breathe, I see realize and understand how my energy I am experiencing is in fact a form of anxiety driven by fear of loss as the desire for money, and thus I see in the moment how my particular thoughts are specifically influenced/dictated by money and the drive to get money, and thus I no longer accept and allow myself to be driven by the desire for money as survival/fear of loss as my thoughts, feelings and emotions

Day 255: Who are we living for?

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So I am currently studying for my exams at University, and busier than normal every day. I noticed how diligently I had been working and how effective I was able to be with my work, by remaining diligent and putting in the time, focus and concentration. Yet something bizarre also occurred to me – why am I not always this diligent? What could be accomplished and what would my life be like if I was always such a hard worker? And more importantly, what are my motivations and priorities in life that determine whether or not I am a hard, diligent worker?

And of course it was plain to see that the reason I become so diligent and hard working is that this is something that indirectly relates to my survival – it is something I am doing for me, that benefits me. Granted, I would probably not be in University, as part of an overall effort to better myself, if it were not for what I had learned about self honesty, equality and oneness from the Desteni material, as I realized the importance of improving myself so that I could be more effective in making this world a better place – but more directly, this is of personal benefit. I notice the same thing when it comes to work and making money – all the effort and determination is there, because I see a direct benefit. 

‘No man is an island’, and yet we are conditioned in such a way where we are only focused within a limited perception of seeing the direct benefit of something to ourselves – our education of how this physical reality actually functions within a principle of oneness/equality is so poor, that we never see the greater outflows of our decisions, actions, and the greater context of life within which we make them. We don’t see the importance of living within such a context. This affects everything we place importance and value on.

We’re always ready to work hard or fight hard or do whatever it takes so that we have take care of ourselves and have the lives we want to live, or maybe for those around us who we value and consider as loved ones, or those we associate with in our own minds through associative cults like nationalism, religion etc. – but to act within consideration of anyone outside of those circles, well, it just doesn’t happen.

I will work, fight, be diligent for myself or my loved ones – why do I not work diligently in support of all life as one? It is simply not in my programming. I mean look at what typically happens when it is proposed that one live in a way that is ‘best for all life’ – and we have seen this a lot within the Desteni group – there is simply no response, I mean it isn’t even on the radar – or sometimes worse, people will actually try to demonize and slander such a proposition.

We should ask ourselves every single day, why are we not making tis world a place that is best for all life? Are we actually taking the most effective course of action to ensure that this world gets sorted out, or are we kidding ourselves that what we are doing is ‘good’ – finding and working towards pseudo solutions that do not in fact get to the core of the problem we are facing as a whole here on earth, but instead just make us feel good about ourselves because they relate back to our own identities in some way? If we actually lived and worked within the self honest and realistic consideration of what others as our equals/life are currently experiencing, as if it were ourselves or our loved ones – we’d be working our asses off in every moment trying to make a difference, because that is how bad of a condition our world is in, that is how extensive the amount of work there is to be done – it would take our entire lifetimes dedication.

I mean, how fucked is it that we cry for those who undergo injustice or suffer or die, when they are ‘close to us’ or ‘family’, while millions starve to death and experience lives that are beyond horrific, and we can just feel nothing? How does this not haunt us in our every waking moment? It should. I mean, do we even know what a ‘family’ is? The human race is a family. The earth is a family. The universe is a family – how dumbed down and limited are we? Some serious deprogramming is going to be necessary here, and some real self forgiveness is going to be required as we finally begin to understand how we have spited, neglected and disregarded life, how we did nothing when millions who endure absolute horror wished someone would come and no one came, while we obsessively pursued our own happiness, living in a bubble in our own minds. And if we don’t learn – well, all bubbles burst eventually.

 

Day 198: Stopping desire as the sustenance of the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give into those moments where I fear losing a point and will act to preserve a point of dependency/addiction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear applying myself in process/resist applying myself in process because I fear to lose something, that I have not allowed myself to continue to apply myself and learn, not considering that the only way the desires will stop is if I do continue to apply myself and learn – thus I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that as long as I fear applying myself, I will always remained trapped in my own self dishonesty’s and will never understand what life really is as I never allowed myself to let go of that which holds me back from seeing and understanding

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the problem that is my limitation as my desires and the solution that is to apply myself in process and study – thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself in believing that there is not enough time to apply myself in process, not realizing that time is created, I create time and thus having enough time is a matter of being self honest and applying myself, that this is not just my main priority, but my only real priority

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is much, much more to life, myself and others than desire

I forgive myself that I’ve never actually allowed myself to meet, experience and enjoy those who I have only ever seen as being here to help serve and fulfill my desires

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give priority to my process in every moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough time for process or other things, and to resist keeping myself as busy as possible with that which supports me because I am keeping a backdoor to have time available to fall, to fuck around and keep giving into pointless desires

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to ensure that my process is specific in doing exactly what is necessary/relevant as that which will support me to bring about a real change in myself as what is best for all life, and that I have not realize that if I am not specifying my process this way but rather just fulfilling an obligation of what I feel is ‘right’, then I am in fact just justifying my abuse/self deception and wasting my time/life on earth

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to face/consider the truth of the enslavement that everything in this world that is pre-programmed actually represents, right down to my very name which was branded on me and thus the self deception and foolishness of taking pride/attaching value to my name/how others recognize my name as my point of ego

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize the extent to which my ego as consciousness/thought/backchat has enslaved me as the way to feed my ego as the idea of me and keep it alive and thus that I have not done everything in my power in every moment where I have free choice to get out

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed to realize that in every moment of facing a desire/addiction, I am facing the decision as to whether or not to keep the ego/my enslavement alive, or not

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that thoughts and backchat are in essence the desire of the ego as that which the mind seeks to create as real to keep the illusion of itself alive, and that thoughts and backchat indicate where I am ‘less than’/inferior as the mind and thus consequentially a desire for fulfillment/validation will be created

I commit myself to stop self enslavement in all its forms as desire as feeding my mind energy and to do everything in every possible moment where I have free choice to stop desire and stop feeding the ego/participation in the mind as thoughts./backchat/desire

I commit myself to stop the ego through stopping thoughts/backchat/through stopping desire, as the living application of understanding/applying what I have learned about the mind, how it functions and thus how to free myself from it

I commit myself to stop taking pride in/desiring that which enslaves me and keeps me trapped in cycles of time – I commit myself to embracing every new moment and that which it brings/the opportunity I have within it, when and as I let go of the repetition/living in the past of giving into desires

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to realize that desire is memory based – and thus I commit myself to investigate where exactly desires where formed within me as certain memories/events